abrowngirltales

[abrowngirltales]

I wish it's only a dream

The whole world doesn't matter when you are in the arms of the person you love the most. Everything around you just disappears. You hold hands, which gives you the most secure feeling in the world.

You laugh, play, and talk, not with words but with your senses. And you just have the most fantastic time together, no matter where ever it is. No matter the circumstances, what matters is that you are with this person.

Of all the people in the world and the people you'll meet in your life, you have been fortunate enough to meet this person. He sees you, for the person you are and nothing else. You feel heard, understood and secure, which are rarer than most things. It's not love, this feeling transcends love. Love fades but this understanding, and camaraderie, it can never fade, it will never.

And one day, this person decides to leave you. He is nowhere to be seen. You run far and wide with tears in your eyes, searching for him. You want to enquire about him. That's when you realise he is the only person who can see you, and you're invisible to everyone else.

Now you are left alone in this void, and you feel abandoned. Truly alone, because no one can hear your cries and pleads for him. You feel he's somewhere near and watching you, but he's not stepping forward, he disappeared so someone else can start seeing you.

You know in your heart, soul and mind that he is the only person who can see you because you chose him. Still, nowhere to be found, you cry and cry, revisiting all the places you have been together. You're not giving up, you are still searching and hurting profoundly.

I wake up still hurting, feeling it in my heart like a knot, fear in my stomach and my whole body shattering with the pain of losing this person.

I reach over to my phone to call this person, be I hesitate, I was (still am) way too emotional to talk. And I finally call him.

Still haven't heard back yet.

#dream of the endless #dream journal #dream #love #honest #life #blog #Rd #abrowngirltales

[abrowngirltales]

Offering and Receiving

Tonight I was on a call with a friend, and we discussed the latest study by MS that said by 2030 52% of women in the age group 25-44 will be single. When I read that article a chill went down my spine. I just thought about the state of relationships among Gen-Z.

It's pathetic, we are all too afraid to get hurt, played and lose identity. Every one of us struggles to identify and fit in a place or among people. Everyone has mental health issues, so much so that the words 'anxiety' 'panic attack' and 'stress' has become words we use on a daily (if not hourly) basis. We are almost losing the sense of honour and respect towards the opposite sex is at an all-time low.

As an individual in my mid-twenties, I think about these things. I think about how to have a healthy romantic relationship that lasts and stands the test of time. How can I find joy within myself and with my partner? How can we grow together as individuals and as a couple? Currently, I do not have a partner, then how do I find someone who sees and respects relationships like I do?

In the call, I realised everyone is ready to 'receive'. Receive love, care, respect, and whatnot. But do people actually think about what they bring to the table? Everyone is ready to receive, but what do they have to offer in the first place? Nobody thinks about that.

Generally speaking, as a person who is open to offering and receiving, I am scared. I am scared of only offering and never receiving and that makes me protective, vigilantly protective. It is so easy to be used and to be taken for granted these days, it's so easy, and it's scary.

But I cannot let fear rule over my beautiful and generous heart. Because choosing to offer is my choice. Choosing to love is my choice. And one can't really blame the other for one's own choices. Choosing to care for and adore this person is my choice. Reciprocating or taking me for granted is their choice.

Understanding this is power. It saves me from heartache, and it gives me closure where there isn't any. And I just wish more people would realise this. Realise that to love is to overcome the greatest fear within oneself. Trust me that's the biggest triumph of all.

#love #lovelife #self love #loveislove #tenderness #relationship #romantic #couple #intimate #affection #grateful #gratitude #universe #personal blog #blog #life #abrowngirltales

[abrowngirltales]

Crucial

These coming days until the end of this year is highly crucial. I have slowly started to weigh my options and choose what's right for me.

Today at my counselling session, I talked with my 3-year-old self. I told her her life, about the people she'd come across, the mistakes she'd make and how they would shape her. And in turn, all she could tell me was thank you and that I look pretty. It was very emotional. So emotional that I cried in front of someone. Through this exercise I realised, I have become the girl I always wanted to become.

I feel more girly now than I ever felt in my life. I feel more feminine than ever, but at the same time stronger. I am proud of myself and I realised that I have much work to do now. I need to make goals that will further grow even after achieving them. I don't want to go deep into what happened in the session. It'll always stay with me.

I am just really proud of how far I've come and I hope to put in the foundation for the rest of my life.

#abrowngirltales

[abrowngirltales]

Letting go

I have always had this at the back of my mind and my heart, the guilt. The pain I caused to Sarath and for the breakup and everything. Even tho there were huge faults on his side. I always had this guilt, maybe because I knew that was my only chance at love.

But that's gone now. But I have always wanted him to get what he wanted and he did. He's in abroad now studying and doing well. Recently, he got engaged, to a girl who's fair, has long hair, is lean, and fits all the impossible beauty standards his family has.

So I guess it's time for me to let go of this pain and guilt I have held on to for all these years. I did what I did, even tho It pained me to do so, parts of me died in the process, and true faces were revealed. I am grateful for all of the above. So I am letting go of that heaviness I have been carrying for four years.

I need to focus on my own life now. I don't know what that is, yet I want to start looking and living. I want to find and do what makes me content. Hope I do well from here onwards.

#self #self realization #self love #self help #love #lovelife #life #life plan #blogging #life blogging #tumblr #blog #abrowngirltales

[abrowngirltales]

Dear me,

It is scary, but it's okay.

I doubt it, but it's okay

Because all that matters is that I am willing to put myself on that spot over and over again until I find what is mine. Until I belong where I am meant to be. Until I find the love of my life. Because I deserve it.

All this healing, growing and self-care is to ensure that when I find what is mine, I already know I am happy. I already am happy and proud of the person I have become, and evolving into. Because, I already lead and will continue to lead a happy, peaceful, and fulfilling without any self-doubts.

So it is okay to be scared of meeting someone new, opening up to them and letting them be a part of your life. And it's okay to have doubts about them, it will only help you understand them better.

It's okay to hope and dream about that person. It only means that is what your heart desires and it does not mean you think little of what you have accomplished thus far.

I am really proud of the conversation I had with Ven yesterday. It was my innermost calling and desire. I never thought I could ever put that into words. I said "I want someone in my life to just be there. I am doing it by myself all the building and growing. But I would feel better doing it all with someone by my side. I know life, the higher you go the more lonely it gets. I want such a person because I want to witness us growing together. I want to understand a person through our struggles and take joy in our growth together. I don't think that is unfair to ask, and I definitely don't think that is wrong of me to want it."

This just brings tears to my eyes. Because all I ever want is this. All the work I put in on myself and on my life is for this. Just because I am a confident, strong and independent woman it doesn't mean I shouldn't want this. There is nothing wrong with longing and waiting for the right person. To me, it's not a flaw, it just makes me stronger. Knowing that I am capable of wanting and feeling all that.

#self realization #self love #love #life #selflove #blogger #blog #lovelife #tumblr #life blogging #abrowngirltales

[abrowngirltales]

The Answer

The Universe did it again.

In this past week, I had so many doubts about myself and my tendencies in certain areas of life. Each night I wondered, I wondered and wondered: "After all I have been through, After all the heartbreaks, the hurt and the lessons. Do I still have it in me to love? Do I still have it within myself to open myself? Would I care about someone the same way (or at least in a similar way) I care about myself? Would I ever touch a person again? Or allow someone to touch me? Would I ever see myself peacefully in a relationship? Would I make someone happy? Would I be open enough to emotionally support someone? Am I ready to take care of this other person's mental health and my own together?" So many questions were plaguing my mind. Instead of bottling it all up, I 'prayed' or 'meditated' with these questions in my mind, I searched for solid answers. "Do I still have it within me to wear my heart on a sleeve?" Turns out the answer is "YES".

Oh, and what an answer it was! It was a tall and sensible one. In the first six hours, all the doubts vanished and my mind was calm as a lake.

I was afraid, "what if I am fooling myself?" it turns out "nope" I am not. I am surprised at how well I am handling myself in this situation. How well I am respecting my boundaries and theirs. I am learning new things about myself and that's a good feeling. Can't help but be proud of myself. The little girl in me has come a long way from where she began.

She is no longer clingy and quickly gets attached to just about anyone. She waits until she knows where she's needed and then be herself. She is cautious of her heart and knows all too well, not to mess it up any further. I am proud of her.

That being said. Now, about the answer. It truly was sent by the universe. I have absolutely no doubt about that. Because it exactly answered my doubts and honestly, that's enough for me right now. Even if the answer leaves me, I'll be happy in my own little world, knowing what I know now. I am grateful for it, all 5'11 ft of it.

#life #love #life blogging #blog #self realization #lovelife #tumblr #abrowngirltales

[abrowngirltales]

Gratitude

I never write about stuff I'm grateful for. Menial stuff which only fascinates me. Past Sunday I was typing out a post, I forgot to save. Thank the Universe because it was half-assed. It wasn't from the heart. But today I did something which made me more grateful for what I have and for the abundance of it all. I am truly grateful and thankful for each and every single thing I have in life right now.

This internship, I am currently doing. It is teaching me very hard stuff. The good, the bad and the ugly parts of a corporate job. We hear stories of people who lost their jobs even before they could begin, who got the offer letters but were called off at the last moment. Today I had to be that person who delivered the bad news. It was testing. It was brutal and honestly, I felt violated. Now I understand it is all a part of the job. But it broke my heart every single time I called to tell a person that they wouldn't be able to join the company.

I understand this isn't something to be grateful for. But it's all about perspective. I called my mom immediately and told her what I had to do. She told me it's all part of the job and at times like these, you have to count your blessings and be grateful for all of them. Say your gratitude twice every day. And those people will definitely find something better than what your company had to offer. I hope she's right. I mean moms are always right. And I truly am grateful for everything I have right now.

I am grateful for my state of mind I am grateful for the food that nourishes me every day I am grateful for the roof over my head I am grateful for my environment and surroundings I am grateful for all the good and the bad that's been happening to me I am grateful for all the new experiences I get to experience I am grateful for all the beings in my life right now I am grateful for every single penny I have I am grateful for my parents. The kind, supportive and understanding (at times) parents I could ever wish for. I truly am honoured to be born as their daughter. There isn't a thing I would change, forever.

And the list would go on and on. For all the tiny little things I have, I am grateful! And I will continue being so.

#life #gratitude #grateful #thankful #love #working #blogging #personal blog #personal development #rant #life blogging #tumblr #abrowngirltales

[abrowngirltales]

New City

It's been exactly 10 days since I have been in this new city. I have been here before for 10 months. But this time it feels different. My parents understand me more and trust me a lot more than they did last time. Hence, the feeling of reassurance on the home front is definitely a boost.

The internship is going as expected. Except the company is very unethical and they are making us do morally wrong things. Like lying. I don't like it, hoping to find something I like soon and just change.

On the outside, everything is working out, in its own way (my way). I am happy but not fulfilled. I'm happy on the surface. I should be ecstatic, the things I wanted are in the making, and my deepest manifestations are unfolding right in front of my eyes. But all I could think of is that I don't have a person to enjoy it all, by my side. I shouldn't be feeling this way. I know I shouldn't, but all I want is a person to hug and cuddle every night. Guess things will progress linearly. I don't want to hope. But I do hope. It's innate, hope engraved in me. I can't get rid of it, even if I want to.

So that's that. Honestly when I think about it, seems to me like this universe is playing a sick, sick game with me. Because when I want to talk to someone or proceed with someone seriously, they tend to walk away from me. It has happened way too many times to ignore it as a coincidence. I have to face it. I won't find someone. I won't find anyone. I am just going places alone, and that's fine too. That's completely alright. I just have to console my tiny little heart and ask her to not hold out hope anymore.

#lovelife #love #life blogging #life #selflove #self realization #tumblr #abrowngirltales

[abrowngirltales]

Expectations create disappointments. But I wasn't even expecting anything and I am still Disappointed.

#sigh #life #tumblr #abrowngirltales

[abrowngirltales]

yeah i’m stupid. i’m also the smartest man in the world and God’s favourite princess. i cannot die, i’m the best person you’ll ever meet, and the worst girl who’s ever lived. let’s kiss with tongue.

[abrowngirltales]

I figured it out

Ever since the incident, I could feel. I was blocked. Mentally I blocked myself, I prevented myself from healing. I just didn't want to think about everything that happened. I feel ashamed, humiliated and frankly embarrassed to the core. I couldn't fathom how such a thing happened to me. How could I have gotten played for trusting and loving someone? It felt really unfair. I thought I had finally found peace, I finally found someone to be at peace with. I was ready to let my hair down and do bat shit crazy things with this person.

I guess it's just karma I owed. What hurts the most was the realization of my reality. Back when I thought I was going to get married, I felt free. A sense of true independence was at my clasp. I was ready to get out of this house and start living my life the way I wanted. To be free without anyone asking me where am I going? what am I doing? all the time. I was ready to be unsupervised. And now that it's not happening, it's just hard for me to accept it, that I just sort of blocked everything out.

I realised the above today, It felt wrong. So wrong, I should be able to do those things without being married. I should be able to do bat shit crazy stuff right now, in my current situation. But the realities and practicalities are impossible. My parents wouldn't understand. I have suppressed myself for far too long, so much that now I just feel so suffocated being at home. All the time I just want to run out, be outside. No one around me can understand this. Not even my own parents would; just would just take this in a very personal way and make this all about them.

I can never have a sad day, I always have to be happy even when I am not; because it would upset them. I have to ask permission every single time I have to go out of the house, and always need to have an itinerary. I could never just go somewhere. It always has to be planned and shared upon permission. Hell, I can't even go upstairs to my own room without my mom asking 'why?'. I just can't do things by the flow, I always need to have an explanation and a reason valid enough for them. I was gladly playing my part all these days, now it's just too suffocating and I can't even catch a break.

Even after all the shit, I have been through, I still can't catch a break. I honestly have no idea how I am going to navigate out of this predicament. It's just I constantly suffer for some reason, I honestly don't know what I have done to deserve this. No matter whatever I do, I consciously make sure I do it with good intentions and positive energy. I don't think even think of causing harm to anyone. I isolate myself to stay away from unwanted drama. I consciously do so many things to stay motivated and to be what's required of me. I still don't understand why stuff keeps happening to just bring me down.

The worst part is I still don't back down. Every time these things get bigger than the last one. Even when I say "I can't do this anymore" I plead and I beg the universe that "I can't do this anymore" it still keeps happening. I can't really blame anyone else but myself. Why am I built this way, why am I enduring everything and still keep going? I know I can't give up. I am so stubborn, I am not a coward. I can't mentally, and physically give up. But when will it stop? When can I just breathe in the air and feel at peace?

Am I brazen enough to feel still hope that good things are coming? Even after all this. Everything. I am still holding out on hope. I have nothing but hope.

#self realization #realistic #life #love #family #familia #life blogging #selflove #blog #blogger #tumblr #abrowngirltales

[abrowngirltales]

Grief

Last night was a the night. The Night I finally broke down, cried and Grieved the love I had with Marx. Yesterday marks one month since it was over. I still can't believe I loved someone so much that I got engaged after a month and it was over within a week. I know better not to wonder what went down with us, but I know better not to. Because no matter how much times I go over the details from different perspectives, I still can't find fault with anything me and my parents did. So I'm just going to write it off that, they weren't worth me or my family. That's the only explanation I can come up with and the one I'm going with.

Yesterday, I cried for the first time in a month. The words, thoughts and the love (it was, for me) we exchanged it all came back screaming at me. It was all so loud in my mind, I just wished it would get over soon and it did.

Grief is an important step in getting over anything and everything. I was avoiding it, then I realised there is no use in avoiding it, we have to face our demons at one point. There is no use in postponing it, cause it will eventually catch up with you in very ugly ways.

#life #love #grief #blogger #life blogging #tumblr #blog #abrowngirltales

[abrowngirltales]

Nope that was not "Finally"

So much has happened since I have last blogged here. Me and Marx are no more. The engagement has been called off. After the engagement, within a week there were so many issues and that eventually lead to the calling it off.

There were communication issues, misunderstanding, and lying from his side. I thought about it over a thousand times in my mind, spoke to my friends and family about it, even talked about it to a professional they are said one thing "you couldn't have done or said anything more". I knew that, my heart knew that. Marx broke my heart, ruined my trust and lathered concrete to the new heights of my walls, I can feel that.

He broke the confidentiality and the covenant between us. Whatever his reason might be, he was cruel. He could have just told me out right that he's not ready or whatever his reason might be. I don't know why he did what he did. He stopped communicating with me, so how am I supposed to know what his reasons were?

I thought to myself, I knew I had to be smart here. I could either sit and wonder about the whats, whys and hows or I could start thinking about what's best for me under these circumstances. Because I know in my heart, that I am not responsible for the turn of events. It was all because of him. I can't convince or help him face his fears about me or our life together, he has to do that by himself, like I did. But he did not, so I have nothing to feel guilt or I don't have to feel guilty about anything.

I have to say I am very proud of myself, I wasn't expecting this kind of behaviour from myself. I handled myself very well and got out of this situation with grace. Because I cannot see myself so miserable and crying and cursing this universe, basically I did not want to become a victim. I made sure that I did not have that 'victim' mentality.

Hence, that's that. I am no longer involved with Marx. All I want is to focus on my family. My parents are important to me, their peace of mind and there energies are important to me. So I am going to work on that. I am working on that. All I can do now is pray to the universe to take care of me and my family, and honestly I am just grateful that I got to know the things I know now, now and not after things got permenant.

#life #love #blogger #life blogging #selflove #tumblr #marx #abrowngirltales

[abrowngirltales]

Finally

Finally I find myself in love. Happily, unquestionably and recruited in love. I can't believe I have someone in my life who loves me as deeply as I love him. Marx, you have changed everything for me. You have become my everything.

It's been a journey, a rollercoaster at that. But finally I'm here. I'm grateful to be here. The Universe has done its magic and I'm just grateful for it.

Marx and I met 34 days ago. It only took us the initial 9 days to decide that we want to spend the rest of our lives together. I did have my doubts when I said 'yes'. But both my heart and mind believed it was the right thing to do and that he was the right person for me.

He said it feels good to know that he is needed and that he feels inner peace with me. When I heard him say that, it was at that moment I felt proud of myself. Because I give him peace, to me this is the biggest honour of my life. That I am a persons peace it makes me want to take care of myself more and safe guard us.

A month ago I didn't imagine, I'd be here in life. He is everything I want and so much more. He proposed to me, kissed my forehead first, then asked for my hand to my parents, and he did so many other sweet romantic things. The best part is he doesn't even understand how much I live for this kind of chivalry.

A month ago I didn't know I would say this but, I'm getting engaged next week!!! I knew this day was going to come. But I wasn't expecting it so soon.

#finally #life #love #tumblr #marriage #engagedcouple #marx #abrowngirltales

[abrowngirltales]

Marx

We only started speaking last Thursday night. We were complete strangers.

You told me about yourself. You told me everything you wanted your future wife to know. You told me everything I wanted to know, even before I asked you.

I didn't realise at those moments how much I would miss hearing to your stories. I didn't realise how much I'd miss you. I don't really know how to tell you, But I miss you. I want to talk to you, I want to know the things that goes on in your mind. I want to tell you how I feel about you. I regret not telling you how I felt that Sunday night.

I understand you. We are very much alike. We are both honest, straight-forward and most importantly good people. We both have similar interests not tastes, similar core beliefs but not personalities. I love the balance we have.

That moment, during our call at Saturday night, you recognised the change of tone in my voice and you knew the right words to say. That was the moment I knew, I would be happy with you. And that was the moment I started trusting you.

I like you Marx Nithyananad. I still have so much to tell you and I hope we have our lifetime to talk all about it.

#life #love #tumblr #marx #abrowngirltales

[abrowngirltales]

that *urge*

Sometimes I just want to disappear and see if someone comes looking for me. I don't know if it is actually a good or bad thing.

Sometimes I just want to be dramatic (not in an annoying way) for no reason.

At times, I just want to listen to entire albums of Taylor Swift and just feel it all in.

Suddenly, I would want to isolate myself and spend time by myself.

Many things I feel that urge for, but I don't actually end up doing it. (But, I have done all the above)

These days my urges are different, it involves other people in it. I have that urge to fall deeply and hopelessly in love. I want to love a person so passionately and truly. I don't know if it is okay to have this thought or not. I am not open to anything temporary. I want permenant things. If I want a person, I want him to stay. Just stay.

Is it wrong to feel this way? or would I be better off without the thought?

No one would come out this and tell people that they are ready for love, and that they want that person. I don't know why we don't say it out loud and more often. I once felt, I would be judged and mocked for saying it. But then I actually came out and said it to my friends. God bless them! They understood what I meant and that I was serious.

They say 'Love will find you in the most unexpected of ways and time'. I wonder isn't it my time yet? Sometimes it pretty to wonder about myself, seeing myself being so deeply in Love, unquestionably and requited in love.

Dear Universe, I am waiting for you to do your magic ✨

#life #love #taylor swift #tumblr #personal blog #blog post #life blogging #abrowngirltales

[abrowngirltales]

It sucks being right all the time

Sometimes I feel proud that I recognise and figure out drama long before it happens. Sometimes I feel proud that I was right about something all along. But this time it's sad. Sad because it's true and it's a little heart breaking really.

Even tho I've found my soulmate, something in my heart was pressing. I didn't feel the need to do anything about him. I didn't feel the need to have a relationship with him. Like, I didn't see us being together right now. I thought he needs time to grow up a little and experience few things before he comes to me. This thought came into my mind. I wish I was wrong, I hoped I was wrong for the first time. But I wasn't. I was so damn right to the bulls-eye.

Being with him on a daily basis, observing his every move and word made me realise he has a lot of growing to do and life to live before he becomes the man I want. My intrusion also tells me it's not my lessons to teach him. He's got to learn it on his own. He has got to live his life on his own before he becomes mine.

I recognise this. The hard part is the waiting, the variables and the endless possibilities of various outcomes. I know in my heart that I can only be his friend in this life time. And frankly, I have accepted that fact and made peace with it. And that's why these days I can be around him without any guilt and I can be at peace knowing he'll be in my life, somehow. And that's enough.

For the first time, I feel that it sucks to have this sort of clairvoyance. To see something for what it actually is. No matter how badly I want him, or need him in my life, I know I can't hold him. He's meant to fly, fly so high!

It's so sad. Because I know my days with him are numbered. I mean we will still be friends but I won't see him on a daily basis. I'll miss him, I'll need him, I'll feel the need to tell him everything. But I know, I possibly can't do that forever. It's sad, so sad.

#soulmate #twin flame #life #love #abrowngirltales #PS #tumblr