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Always in a constant state of "hmm maybe I wasn't as normal in that conversation as I thought I was"

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y'all are really missing out on this one

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In 1400s a dog dueled who he suspected to be the murderer of his owner

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my parents who have been married for like a billion years are having their billion year anniversary in a few days and theyre renewing their vows. they put me in charge of planning and program and emcee-ing and they told me to “have fun with it” so heres my first two slides of the program

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unfortunately i want to make purchases :(

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my one fear is if a vapire drank my blood and made a face and then tried to politely cover it up for my sakes like 'nooooo your blood is fine i swear mmm yum' i think id literally kill myself in front of them

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I’m sorry, I can’t come into work today. I didn’t get a long rest and god gave me a point of exhaustion. All my skill checks are at disadvantage.

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tbh if someone just handed me a pressure washer and set me loose in the streets i would go into a trance and just start hosing shit down indiscriminately. it's not a question of how much i could clean, but how long until i get hit by a car and die

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I read an AITA post a few weeks back about a woman who liked having snacks in the bath when she's had a long day (a result of residual trauma iirc - the bath was her safe space). Her brand new husband of three weeks, a man twice her age who had no job, made her pay all of his bills and do all housework, and spent all day every day gaming because he wanted to make it as a Twitch streamer, had always been fine with this; but, on the day in question, had whisked her bath snacks out of her hands as she was on her way to the bathroom and tried to bin them, telling her it was time to 'break her of that filthy habit in his home'. She told him if he ever actually paid anything towards the house she owns outright he might get a say, took her snacks back, and had her lovely bath. He was since giving her the silent treatment.

(Obviously the judgement was an avalanche of 'NTA and also he's abusing you', which she agreed with, and decided to kick him out, so happy ending.)

Anyway I told my husband about this and he was outraged. "I would never do that!" he told me, furious. "I would find it adorable if you had bath snacks!"

Since then, every time I try to have a bath (which I only do as a rare treat) after about ten minutes there has been an anxious scrabbling at the bathroom door.

"Elanor!" he says. "Do you have bath snacks? Do you need anything?"

My answer is irrelevant. He brings me wine and poptarts. Now I have bath snacks. I'm a bath snacks person. Last time he was literally sleeping on the sofa when I went for the bath. Somehow this still happened. I now have an eager bathroom butler. How did this happen. I have never been so decadent yet bewildered.

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so apparently sleeping doesn’t make your problems go away. I woke up and everything still sucked. shocked and upset

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domestic sweetness!!!! getting groceries together, buying home decor together??? making traditions??? cooking dinner while badly singing along to the radio??? making each other breakfast in bed??? leaving notes around the house for each other??? i’m so soft,,,,

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“you support gay rights so you must be gay”

i support animal rights do i look like a fucking alpaca to you

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It's incredible how much all deep sea creatures are just little guys. They're only scary because you can't see them. But if you could they would just be moseying

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