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eXistenZ (1999)

David Cronenberg’s eXistenZ is centered around a video game that doesn’t feel like any game we would ever play - and not because of its violent or disturbing content. This makes it a bit messy if seen as a criticism of Doom and similarly controversial games from the '90s. You'll find it more enjoyable as a snippet of a disturbing world that has nothing to do with our own, at least at a glance...

In the near-future, the most popular pastimes are virtual reality games played via biotechnological consoles that plug into bio-ports inserted into players’ spines. Antenna Research’s Allegra Geller (Jennifer Jason Leigh) is demonstrating her latest game, "eXistenZ", to a focus group. Suddenly, the demonstration is interrupted by an assassination attempt. Going on the run with her security guard and publicist, Ted Pikul (Jude Law), they must evade the Realists, fanatics who want Allegra dead for her "crimes against reality".

Above everything else, eXistenZ is concerned with one question: “How real is too real?”. In the real world, Allegra Geller seems so wooden. She’s just been shot but she's more concerned about eXistenZ than her safety. The pod containing the only copy of the game has become damaged and she’s obsessed with getting it repaired. When we see her inside a game, she’s a completely different person. It’s like the real-world version of her is fake and vice versa. Maybe the Realists are onto something when they call this technology dangerous. You thought the entry ports in the back of people’s skulls in The Matrix were unsettling? This movie takes it on a whole other level. There’s something infinitely more disturbing about seeing Allegra manipulate the boils on a fleshy device that looks like it was surgically removed from a living being. The fact that the cords have to be lubricated before being inserted into people’s spines, can become infected and bleed when cut makes you all sorts of uneasy. Then, there’s the obvious addictive nature of these virtual reality games. It's grotesque.

In most films, it’s easy to tell the real world from the fake one. Even if you don’t have a hazy border around the edges of the screen, the second something is amiss, your guard goes up. eXistenZ begins with its weirdness at an 8. Going up to a 9 is not a big leap, which makes it difficult to discern whether the latest jaw-dropping sight is just a dream, the next level of a game or the next step in a bizarre journey. With games within games, it becomes impossible to tell virtual reality from actual reality - a fact highlighted by the very last scene. Technology this convincing is dangerous and the only people who seem to realize this are the antagonists.

This unsettling, gooey picture has a strong visual identity that makes it unforgettable. eXistenZ is so strange, so committed to its grotesque vision of the future that even if you don’t subscribe to what at first appears to be an anti-video game agenda, you get sucked into this world and are hungry for more… even if your stomach is going to feel very very queasy.

Your instinct is to say that writer/director David Cronenberg has something to say about video games but I’m not so sure. See, eXistenZ (the game, not the movie) is unlike anything in our world. There aren’t any objectives and no health bars or power-ups. People play roles in its story but it would be wrong to compare it to even the most sophisticated RPGs 1999 had to offer. Initially, you wonder why anyone would want to play it. Later, you understand the appeal: it's fake. Why live in the real world with limits when you can live in the imaginary world where anything is possible? That could easily become addictive.

Most films about technology age poorly but time has been kind to eXistenZ. The special effects hold up, and the ideas seem more relevant now than ever. How much time do we spend watching photos and videos of people who've made them more appealing than real life via filters or other special effects? Why have we become so much more comfortable interacting with people through apps than in person? Granted, what we’re doing isn’t gross like it is in the movie, but to someone who isn’t acclimated to it, whole evenings spent in front of glowing screens might seem as perverse as the bags of flesh the people in this film cling onto so dearly. (On DVD, May 7, 2022)

#eXistenZ #movies #films #movie reviews #film reviews #David Cronenberg #Jennifer Jason Leigh #Jude Law #Ian Holm #Don McKellar #Callum Keith Rennie #Sarah Polley #Robert A. Silverman #Christopher Eccleston #Willem Dafoe #1999 movies #1999 films

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Lawnmower Man 2: Beyond Cyberspace (1996)

What circumstances could’ve possibly led to the making of Lawnmower Man 2: Beyond Cyberspace a.k.a. Lawnmower Man 2: Jobe's War? There couldn't have been too many fans of the original thanks to its flagrant disregard for the source material, terrible special effects and hammy characters. Even if you did enjoy it unironically, this sequel isn’t for you because it directly contradicts the ending of the first film before repeating everything it did in the last act for about an hour. At best, this picture can be enjoyed as something that’s “So Bad It’s Good”. Even so, it doesn't measure up to its predecessor. This is a movie without an audience.

Six years after the events of the first film, now 16-year-old Peter Parkette (Austin O’Brien) lives in a cyberpunk Los Angeles with a group of runaway teens. This futuristic society’s favorite pastime is navigating through virtual reality, which makes them vulnerable to the megalomaniacal Jonathan Walker (Kevin Conway) and the Chiron Chip he's developing with the help of Jobe Smith (Matt Frewer) - now legless, disfigured and living nearly entirely in cyberspace. What the corporate tycoon doesn’t realize is that Jobe has sinister plans of his own; plans only the Chiron Chip’s creator, Dr. Benjamin Trace (Patrick Bergin), can thwart.

Forget the “dun, dun, dun!” ending of The Lawnmower Man. Forget the fact that Jobe’s body was clearly disintegrated, that he went on a murderous rampage sending cyberbees after people and setting others on fire. In fact, forget most of the movie. Remember only the vague idea that Jobe was experimented upon until he became a galaxy-brained virtual world wizard. As for whether you should remember that he’s evil or not… I’m not sure. The film has an obvious villain in the form of Jonathan Walker but he eventually gets supplanted by Jobe, who wants to become a cybergod and rule over all humanity. First, he has to destroy the real world by ruining people’s credit ratings, making ATMs spit out money non-stop, and messing around with the water & power supply. He knows that within minutes, such disruptions will have people jacking onto the internet so hard they’ll never want to jack off again. No, that’s not me making a joke. I’m demonstrating what the funniest part of this movie is. Not the special effects (which are actually better than the ones we saw in 1992); the constant stream of unintentional references to masturbation.

If it wasn’t obvious already, the film’s writing is ghastly. It’s only been six years since Jobe’s ascension, making this Blade Runner-lite LA as convincing as low-budget 1996 CGI. It’s clear Farhad Mann - whose name appears in the end credits at least 5 times - really wanted to make a cyberpunk movie but couldn’t figure out how to make this set this sequel in the future while still featuring the same boy Jobe befriended when he was a simpleton. Speaking of that friendship, we’re told that Jobe suffered burns on 80% of his body, that his legs had to be amputated and his face was reconstructed. Is that why Peter recognizes him immediately? The film doesn’t even do the obvious thing, which is to have Jobe appear as he originally did in Cyberspace and then morph his appearance to look like his current self to create that bridge. That’s a nitpick, really. This film is loaded with dubious security measures, technology that makes no sense and relationships that would have even aliens who’ve never encountered people raising their eyebrows. Why Dr. Cori Platt (Ely Pouget) and Dr. Trace suddenly fall in love, no one could say.

Beyond Cyberspace/Jobe’s War is inferior to The Lawnmower Man in every way, and since its plot is basically a repeat of the former’s last act, there’s really no reason to watch it, except one. Without a doubt, this film features the best “we don’t really know what hacking is like” scene of all time. Instead of a password, we've got a mathematical equation that needs to be solved. Said equation then turns into a virtual maze the characters have to navigate through. Combined with the techno jargon soup, it’s a laugh-out-loud riot that plays out like a cross between magic and an FMV video game puzzle. I wish I could commit to memory the exact words exchanged but it’s impossible; those lines could never be written down or uttered by a person whose sanity is intact. For that alone, Lawnmower Man 2 might be worth checking out if you like bad movies and you had a great time with the first. (May 7, 2022)

#The Lawnmower Man 2 #The Lawnmower Man #Jobe's War #Beyond Cyberspace #movies #films #movie reviews #film reviews #Farhad Mann #Patrick Bergin #Matt Grewer #Austin O'Brien #Ely Pouget #Camille Cooper #Kevin Conway #1996 movies #1996 films

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A Fish Called Wanda (1988)

Some of the jokes in A Fish Called Wanda haven't aged well - this shouldn't be a surprise considering it was released nearly 35 years ago. They’re worth forgiving for the amount of laughs and memorable scenes the film has to offer.

After a successful jewelry heist, four thieves are forced to stall their escape when their ringleader, George (Tom Georgeson), is arrested. While animal lover Ken (Michael Palin) waits for his boss’ instructions, femme fatale Wanda (Jamie Lee Curtis) and her lover (who is pretending to be her brother) Otto (Kevin Kline) try and deduce where the jewels are hidden so they can run off with them. They hope George will disclose their location to his barrister, Archie (John Cleese). To get the information out of him, Wanda begins seducing Archie. Jealousies and double-crosses make this already complex situation much messier.

The characters are this film's strength. Michael Palin is hilarious as a man suffering from a horrible stutter who is assigned to take out an old woman who will be the key witness at George’s trial. An obsessive animal lover, his attempts to take out the lady wind up traumatizing him because he keeps screwing them up and killing some of her many dogs instead. What’s that? Are you upset because a beloved pooch might bite the dust instead of a human being? Well, it if makes you feel any better, Ken is upset about it too. The woman though? Nah, she can die. He doesn’t care.

Next, we have to talk about Otto. He’s this wannabe lothario who is crippled by his insecurities and incapable of keeping his jealousy in check. He knows Wanda is only putting the moves on Archie so they can get rich and leave the country but he can’t stop himself from making what should be a simple situation needlessly complicated. He’s so dumb you wonder what Wanda sees in him. Then, you realize she has this uncontrollable fetish for foreign languages. So what if the only Italian Otto knows is pasta and cheese-related? It’s all it takes for her to start tearing off her clothes.

Speaking of Wanda, she’s double-crossing everybody. Despite her excitement for foreign words while in bed, she’s way too good for Otto. She’s too good for George - whom she has fooled into thinking they’re a couple. An expert manipulator, she could have anyone wrapped around her finger… except maybe Archie. Well, no. She can definitely get the barrister’s attention. The question is whether his brick-solid Britishness will get in the way. All of these characters thrown together in this whirling dervish of a heist gone wrong make for big laughs over and over. Sometimes it gets dark, sometimes it gets absurd. It’s constantly making you wonder what’s next and filled with memorable scenes. There is a running gag about Otto pretending to be gay - it's so Ken doesn’t suspect he and Wanda are in cahoots - that feels a little weird and the movie feels a bit like it’s making fun of Ken for his stutter, but the gags still work for the most part.

A Fish Called Wanda is a smart film that uses its characters wisely, contains nothing but great performances and never holds back. That may ruffle a few feathers nowadays but it's hard to argue with the results. The characters are so great and they make for many big, memorable laughs. (On DVD, April 29, 2022)

#A Fish Called Wanda #movies #films #movie reviews #film reviews #Charles Crichton #John Cleese #Jamie Lee Curtis #Kevin Kline #Michael Palin #1988 movies #1988 films

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Ocean's Twelve (2004)

Making Ocean’s Twelve must’ve been a blast. You can tell the actors were certainly having a good time. Too bad the fun can't extend to the audience as well. This film thinks it’s so clever, so funny. All I want to do is punch it in its smart little face.

Set three years after Ocean’s Eleven, Terry Benedict (Andy García) has located the Ocean's crew and demands they return his money - with interest. Fearful for their lives, the group schemes to pull a few quick jobs to pay him back but their efforts are hindered by the master thief “The Night Fox”. He agrees to help Danny Ocean (George Clooney) and his friends out of their jam if they can best his legendary skills.

Immediately, the film is in trouble. Either Danny and his friends will succeed in their mission and pay back Benedict - which will make us unhappy because we don't like him - or they will fail and the villain will have them all killed - which will make us unhappy because we like them. The only possible way to avoid audience disappointment would be for the scoundrels to somehow steal from the man - again - and beat him so decisively that he gives up trying to get his revenge. Unfortunately, that’s what the first movie was about so you know it’s not going to happen.

Ocean's Twelve can’t even figure out what to do with its characters. The problem is that although we sort of got a vibe that they got along, we never really believed the people rounded up by Danny were friends. It was pretty clear that at the end of the first movie, they were going their separate ways. Maybe some of them would keep in contact but no one was ringing up “The Amazing” Yen (Shaobo Qin) to see how he was doing. Like many others, he was hired to fulfill a role in a con and nothing more… but he was in the first movie so he has to come back again. How does the screenplay by George Nolfi use him? It shoves Yen into a bag and then accidentally ships him off to the wrong country so he can be “in the movie” but off-screen as much as possible.

Forget Twelve. This movie only has a few important characters. There’s Danny and Rusty (Brad Pitt), Danny’s wife Tess (Julia Roberts) and Rusty’s old flame, Isabel Lahiri (Catherine Zeta-Jones). Then, you have the villains with Vincent Cassel as The Night Fox and Andy García. Everyone else could’ve been condensed into one or two people. Similarly, the plot could’ve been thinned a lot. As is, there are so many twists and turns it’ll make your head spin. In another heist film, that would've been good but so many revelations are then revealed to be completely useless by the final scene it makes you feel like you wasted your time. In this instance, the main plan is so dumb you know director Steven Soderbergh is trying to pull a fast one on you and you don’t buy it for a second.

The most infuriating scene is also the unfunniest. The crew's target is the Fabergé Imperial Coronation Egg (quite the step down from a vault full of money if you ask me) so they recruit Tess (who is the twelfth member of the team) to help. Their plan? Capitalize on the running joke that she “sorta” looks like Julia Roberts by distracting the people in the museum while the others steal the egg. Not terribly clever, this gag also breaks one of the unspoken rules of filmmaking. The audience promises to ignore the fact that we know these are actors on-stage as long as the movie doesn’t draw attention to it and pretends the story is set in a world other than ours, “Last Action Hero”-style. As Oceans Twelve does this whole “I don’t look that much like her”, “Oh no! There’s Bruce Willis! Now I have to pretend like I know what he’s talking about” thing, you make a mental promise to hate the film no matter what it does later.

The worst part of Ocean’s Eleven” was the hint at a sequel right at the very end because deep down, you knew the magic couldn’t be replicated, that only the most convoluted of scenarios could bring these people together again. Ocean’s Twelve proves that so thoroughly it’ll make you wish the actors would all retire. (April 28, 2022)

#Ocean's Twelve #Ocean's Eleven #movies #films #movie reviews #film reviews #Steven Soderbergh #George Nolfi #George Clooney #Brad Pitt #matt Damon #Catherine Zeta-Jones #Andy Garcia #Don Cheadle #Bernie Mac #Julia Roberts #Casey Affleck #Scott Caan #Vincent Cassel #Eddie Jemison #Carl Reiner #Elliott Gould #2004 movies #2004 films

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The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring (2001)

It feels like every single fantasy film has been building up to The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring. This sprawling world of myth and magic is a landmark achievement. The special effects, characters, art direction, score, scale and faithfulness to the source material make it the kind of picture that will shape generations. It’s big, wonderful and epic but also small, intimate and emotional. This is a labor of love and it shows.

In the Second Age of Middle-earth, the Dark Lord Sauron forged the One Ring. With its power, he was poised to conquer all. Defeated through sheer luck, his evil dissipated. 3,000 years later, the One Ring is discovered in the possession of a humble hobbit named Frodo Baggins (Elijah Wood). To save the world, from Sauron's return, the ring must be snuck back into the shadowy land of Mordor and thrown into the volcano where it was forged. On this quest, Frodo is accompanied by his friends Samwise Gamgee (Sean Astin), Pippin Took (Billy Boyd) and Merry Brandybuck (Dominic Monaghan), his mentor, the wizard Gandalf (Ian McKellen), and representatives of the free races of Middle-Earth: humans Strider (Viggo Mortensen) and Boromir (Sea Bean), dwarf Gimli (John Rhys-Davies) and elf Legolas Greenleaf (Orlando Bloom).

To get us up to speed, the picture begins with a history lesson that’ll knock you off your feet. The armies clashing seem immeasurably large. Sauron effortlessly radiates evil despite having no dialogue. You can feel the thousands of years of culture in the fighting styles, weapons and scenery. Middle-Earth feels real. The scale is immense, which makes director Peter Jackson’s decision to focus the plot on an ordinary hobbit a genius move. In a story with caverns so large our civilization could never dream of carving them, elven cities that seem to grow from the trees that surround them, seamless towers of black stone and all sorts of monsters, it would be easy for audiences to feel alienated. We’d all like to think that when push comes to shove we’d be great heroes but in reality, there’s no way. The best a tiny person like you or me could hope to do is stay brave, which is exactly Frodo’s role.

Several times throughout, we hear that “Even the smallest person can change the course of the future.” There couldn’t be anyone smaller than Frodo Baggins - except, perhaps, his friend to the end, Samwise. The hobbits are humble little people who have lived peaceful, simple lives free from adventure and are now thrust into a journey that will be the stuff of legends. Their joys are simple: warm meals, fields of brightly-colored vegetables and parties with friends & family. One particular scene that shows you just how small they are comes towards the end of the story. Sam and Frodo are traveling down a river. In the distance, they spot these enormous statues, the kind that would make the Statue of Liberty blush. Like us, they gaze at them in wonder, wondering who could’ve built them and who they represent. None of the other members of the Fellowship seem to give them more than a passing glance - and yet, these simple people prove themselves just as brave and reliable as the seasoned guardians they are traveling with. It’s awe-inspiring in so many ways.

By focusing on Frodo and his part of the journey, the film has a strong emotional core. The Fellowship of the Ring knows it has this time-tested story that’ll enchant audiences but before doing anything else, it made sure to get the basics right. Even if it hadn’t, it would’ve been an impressive production. Surrounding the inspirational battle of good vs. evil are incredible visuals, standout special effects and exciting action scenes. The film contains elements of horror in the form of its shadowy Ring Wraiths and scenes set in the deep mines of Moria. It’s got comedy to lighten the mood when necessary, chases so perfectly paced they should be shown in film school and battles that remain exciting whether they feature millions or a handful of fighters. There are so many great lines and iconic scenes you’ll love to quote it to your friends. The score by Howard Shore is this powerhouse that immediately sets up residence in your mind.

Though it ends in a "to be continued", The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring is the kind of movie you need to watch just to be part of the cultural conversation. Don't worry if you're weary of following trends; you would fall in love with this film even if you discovered it on your own. (Theatrical version on Blu-ray, April 26, 2022)

#The Lord of the Rings #The Fellowship of the Ring #movies #films #movie reviews #film reviews #Peter Jackson #Fran Walsh #Phlippa Boyens #J. R. R. Tolkien #Elijah Wood #Ian McKellen #Liv Tyler #Viggo Mortensen #Sean Astin #Cate Blanchett #John Rhys-Davies #Billy Boyd #Dominic Monaghan #Orlando Bloom #Christopher Lee #Hugo Weaving #Sean Bean #Ian Holm #Andy Serkis #2001 movies #2001 films

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The Fog (2005)

Unfortunately, only two kinds of movies seem to get remade: great movies with a built-in audience that are almost guaranteed to disappoint viewers, and fan-favorite horror movies. Of all the films you could remake, I don’t know why anyone chose John Carpenter’s The Fog. Even in 1980, it was basic and didn't leave much of an impression. In 2005? It’s so unimaginative it fails to justify its own existence.

As the residents of Antonio Island prepare for their town’s centennial, artifacts from the Elizabeth Dane begin washing up on the beach. Soon, a mysterious fog rolls in. Within roam vengeful spirits tied to a dark secret.

The film basically gives away the reason for the ghosts in the opening scene but even if it didn’t, you’d guess it immediately. The Fog is so familiar. You swear you’ve seen this tale somewhere before. More than likely, it was in an episode of Are You Afraid of the Dark, around a campfire or in a children’s collection of spooky stories. It’s so generic you’re shocked by the ending. Was that it? No twists? No new angles? Nothing? Well, that’s not entirely true. There is a crazy reveal at the last minute but it makes no sense, whatsoever. In a way, it’s the ultimate “Gotcha!” because no one could ever foresee it. I don’t mean that in a good way. I realize I’ve just been criticizing this movie for doing nothing new and now I’m criticizing it for making the “interesting” choice to mix two seemingly contradicting versions of the afterlife but it isn’t enough for something to be unexpected; it also has to have some sort of logic to it.

I suppose we should talk about the film’s characters. They’re all descendants of the four founding fathers (though that seems impossible considering that opening flashback…), which should make the reason for the specters coming back even more obvious. Nick (Tom Welling) is surprised when his former girlfriend, Elizabeth (Maggie Grace), returns to Antonio Island after being away for six months. Her return isn’t tied to the fog. Something else has drawn her back. How "peculiar". She and Nick are… in love? Not really. They’re just together. We learn that in her absence, Nick and local radio personality Stevie (Selma Blair) were an item but nothing comes from it. In fact, I don’t think Stevie and Elizabeth do more than acknowledge each other during the whole film. Anyway, they’re the people we follow as the town gets torn apart by spooks hidden in the mist. You don’t care about them or about anyone put in danger. Driving to work with low visibility is scarier than The Fog.

The best thing about this effort by director Rupert Wainwright (whose well-known film might be Blank Check, not exactly an exciting filmmaking career) is the makeup effects. I wish I had more positive things to say, as even these raise more questions with no answers when we see them in modern day.

This picture is instantly forgettable. The “unrated” cut is so mild and dull it makes you wonder what the poor chumps who saw this in theaters did to stay awake. What’s frustrating is that John Carpenter’s The Fog isn’t particularly jaw-dropping either. It’s fine but from someone who kicked off the slasher genre, you expect something grandiose, and it isn’t. Remaking it was a golden opportunity to try something different. Apparently, “trying” was too much to ask. (Unrated version on DVD, April 26, 2022)

#The Fog #movies #films #movie reviews #film reviews #Rupert Wainwright #Cooper Layne #Tom Welling #Maggie Grace #Rade Serbedzija #Selma Blair #2005 movies #2005 films #horror movies #horror films

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Pets United (2019)

While I didn't enjoy this film, that doesn't mean you won't. No matter what I say, the people involved in this project did it: they actually made a movie. That's something to be applauded. With that established...

I thought I was done with Pets United but here I am again. At least the first time, there was this illusion of unpredictability. Now, I’m just sitting, alone, on my couch, wishing for a power outage or robot apocalypse. Maybe writing down my thoughts will ease the pain.

In Robocity, stray dog Roger (voiced by Patrick Roche) takes care of other street animals by stealing food. When the city’s mayor (Eddie Marsan) suddenly announces that anyone with emotions is no longer welcome in his mechanical Utopia, everyone leaves. Only a few animals now remain to take down the mayor and his army of robots.

Pets United might be fun to discuss but it’s a slog to get through. The brainchild of Reinhard Klooss, this film doesn’t really have characters; all it has are out-of-place accents randomly applied to animals. Why do the tiger, komodo dragon and hyena have Slavic accents? Beats me. Why do they like to sing in what is otherwise a non-musical? Maybe to pad out the running time? It’s a veritable United Nations with a British robot (Stephen Mangan as Bob), a posh cat (Natalie Dormer as Belle), an Italian-accented muscular poodle named Ronaldo (Jeff Burnell), an Irish proboscis monkey (Bryan Larkin), a hillbilly bushpig (Sophie, voiced by Teresa Gallagher) and more. They don’t even do the thing where animals from a specific region of the world have accents to match. It’s infuriating.

Worse than the voice acting are the character designs. The visuals of Pets United are reminiscent of a commercial made for a local grocery store chain. The textures are there but the faces are all wrong. I suppose if I can give the film any credit it’s that the animators are somewhat aware of their limitations, which is why the action cuts away from difficult shots constantly. A bit of music will start playing and before anyone can actually bust a move, we cut to a tight shot of someone bobbing their head. You might not even notice the tactics used until the climax.

During the conclusion, so many corners are cut that the frame practically becomes a circle. The villain’s chief weapon is a giant mechanical spider previously disguised as a Ferris wheel in the middle of a busy intersection. How could a bunch of furry animals defeat it? By getting the thing to destroy itself. Largely absent for most of the film, the spider shows up just as Bob is placed onto a magnetic conveyor belt that will feed him into a combination crusher/grinder/furnace. Belle - having suddenly overcome her fear of spiders for no reason - gets the mechanical colossus to step on the belt. From there, it's slowly dragged towards the gaping maw designed to destroy all machines fed into it. To the audience, it’s clear the thing would never fit. In fact, the foot wouldn’t even make it up the ramp since the beams surrounding it would be in the way. Cut to the animals looking amazed. Cut back to the spider, who is completely engulfed in the furnace. How did that happen so fast and with so little a struggle? Shut up. That’s how!

This 2020 Chinese film looks and feels like a bootleg of The Secret Life of Pets with a by-the-books generic story slapped on top. I get a distinct feeling that the robot invasion was introduced as a way to clear the streets of any vehicles and people - making outside shots much easier to animate. Turns out animating characters is easier than writing a decent story if you judge by this picture. There are so many characters, and about half of them contribute nothing to the plot. If they had been cut, maybe someone could’ve gotten some character arc. As is, here’s how this film handles character development: First, Walter (a pug, voiced by Harvey Friedman) says he tried skateboarding once but couldn’t do it without falling. A few scenes later, he jumps on a skateboard and manages to keep up with a speeding train. See? Before he couldn’t do the thing. Now? He can do the thing!

No one could ever call Pets United entertaining. At best, it’s perplexing. There are definitely things to keep you baffled, from typos in the background to ridiculous dialogue, disappearing characters, bad designs, story arcs that fizzle into nothing and morals so badly worded that what's said can't possibly be what the film wanted to say. At least it’s memorable in that way that sticking your hand in a deep fryer is memorable, which is to say you’d never do it again and will hopefully learn a lesson from it. (April 23, 2022)

#Pets United #movies #films #movie reviews #film reviews #Reinhard Kloos #Patrick Roche #Natalie Dormer #Eddie Marsan #Jeff Burrell

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How to Train Your Dragon (2010)

It’s been over 10 years since the release of How to Train Your Dragon. Unfortunately, this means you can’t catch it the way it was meant to be seen - on the big screen and in 3D - but it still dazzles. This animated film has it all. A great story of friendship, stunning visuals, memorable character designs, an instantly memorable score, terrific voice acting and a great message. It doesn’t matter how old you are, it becomes an instant favorite.

Much to his father’s disappointment, teenaged Viking Hiccup (perfectly voiced by Jay Baruchel) is hardly the dragon killer his village needs him to be. When Hiccup knocks down a Night Fury - the most elusive and deadly of all dragon species - he finds that he cannot kill it, and instead befriends "Toothless".

We've seen stories about sons rebelling against their parents because they would rather dance ballet, sing, or do anything other than do what they're expected to do before. How to Train Your Dragon differentiates itself first and foremost with its visuals. No dragon we've ever seen looks like the ones in this film. Taking inspiration from the book of the same name by Cressida Cowell, the animators went to town on the creature designs, which range from the two-headed Hideous Zippleback - one head spews flammable gas, the other, sparks - to the bumblebee-like Gronckle. All of them are memorable, as are Hiccups classmates. You’re like the overenthusiastic Fishlegs (Christopher Mintz-Plasse), excitedly looking at these beasts and trying to figure out what makes them tick. I predict in about five to ten years, we’ll be seeing highly detailed and articulated action figures of the creatures in this film sold to adults who grew up with this franchise. That’s how iconic they are.

As you can deduce from the title, Hiccup and Toothless eventually form a close bond and our hero becomes the first dragon rider. The first scene in which they take flight together is pure movie magic. The emotions bubble up inside as if it’s you soaring through the air for the first time. Even on a flat screen, the way they zip alongside cliffs, through rocky formations and above the water is so exciting - particularly with the score by John Powell - it threatens to bring tears to your eyes. You recognize the emotional weight of this moment and the visuals are incredible.

The emotional power of Hiccup and Toothless' flight comes from the character work. Directors Chris Sanders and Dean DeBlois have made the genius choice to give a lot of cat-lie attributes to Toothless. He’s effortlessly loveable but also a little wild - if you’ve ever owned a cat, you know what I mean. You’ve seen how Hiccup and his father are. It’s not that Stoick the Vast (Gerard Butler) is a bad father, it’s that they just have nothing in common, whereas Hiccup and Toothless? they get along but they do so well. It breaks your heart knowing they’re from two worlds and that there’s no way this is going to work out. Training with Toothless means Hiccup becomes more knowledgeable about dragons than any other Viking. At his school, he’s acing every course, which breaks down the barrier between him and his father. It raises your spirits but creates a dark cloud on the horizon.

In the end, the screenplay by the directors (who co-wrote with Will Davies) finds a surprisingly elegant way to give the audience the happy ending they want and deliver a big action scene that brings together everything we’ve learned about dragons. It’s revealed that every dragon has been stealing food for the biggest dragon of all, a Godzilla-sized mega beast that will eat anything. The genius of this revelation is that it recontextualizes every dragon attack. If only this big bully were gone, then everyone could live harmoniously. In Independence Day: Resurgence, The Great Wall and similar films, this “Queen” that can be defeated to save the day feels artificial. Not here. In hindsight, it all makes sense.

It's one of the best cast animated pictures in recent memory. Christopher Mintz-Plasse as the big, but squeaky-voiced dragon nerd Fishlegs, America Ferrera as Astrid, Hiccup’s rival and possible romantic interest and the other Vikings are terrific. Even these secondary characters are memorable, making you eager to see more. Then we get to the ending, which is mature and somber. How to Train Your Dragon is much more than the sum of its big, action-packed sequences of aerial pyrotechnics, dizzying flying scenes and narrow getaways. It's packed with emotion, action, and fun. I can’t recommend How to Train Your Dragon enough. (On Blu-ray, April 15, 2022)

#How to Train Your Dragon #movies #films #movie reviews #film reviews #Chris Sanders #Dean DeBlois #WIll Davies #Jay Baruchel #Gerard Butler #Craig Ferguson #America Ferrera #Jonah Hill #Christopher Mintz-Plasse #T.J. Miller #Kristen Wiig

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Firedrake the Silver Dragon (2020)

Firedrake the Silver Dragon a.k.a. Dragon Rider may have good intentions and serve as passable entertainment for young children but I can’t recommend it. Any way you look at this film, it’s just an inferior version of How to Train Your Dragon. Even it knows this, which is why it makes direct references to the 2010 DreamWorks production.

Ages ago, the world’s dragons were forced into hiding. As mankind approaches their home in the wilderness, Firedrake (voiced by Thomas Brodie-Sangster) and his friend, a forest brownie named Sorrell (Felicity Jones), decide to go searching for the legendary “Rim of Heaven”, where all winged firebreathers will be safe. Mistaking a common thief named Ben (Freddie Highmore) for the fabled “dragon rider”, they have no idea that Nettlebrand (Patrick Stewart), a mechanical dragon-eating monster, is on their trail.

The creatures in How to Train Your Dragon all looked unique when compared to every dragon we’d seen before and to each other. The ones in Firedrake are completely forgettable. They might as well be stock assets they’re so bland. It’s not necessarily a damnable flaw. In cases like this, I always go back to Hoodwinked, which looks super cheap but made up for it with songs, humor and a clever story. "Firedrake" is a wet noodle of a film not because of the passable-at-best visuals. It's the screenplay that makes it fall out of the sky like a parachute made of cement. The villain, for instance. He sucks. Nettlebrand is never intimidating. He’s an utter buffoon that any protagonist who was worth their weight in bricks would overcome effortlessly. The fact that Firedrake can't makes you angry.

I don’t want this whole review spent comparing this film to How to Train Your Dragon but it can’t be helped. Maybe director Tomer Eshed is a big fan of DreamWorks and they wanted to pay homage. Maybe they knew the comparisons would be made by audiences so they decided to roll with it. Whatever the reason, there is a movie-within-the-movie called Dragon Rider and when you see the billboards for it, they are basically stand-ins for “How to Train Your Dragon”, complete with the same font. It’s been modified since we first saw the "Easter Egg" in the trailer but in the movie itself, it’s still unmistakeable. We get another reference later when we see a bootleg of Scrat from Ice Age frozen in a glacier. These references are so glaring it’s kind of funny in a way but at best, they are temporary distractions from the profound boredom you will feel.

None of the characters have anything resembling depth and the jokes are lame. The gags are so bottom-of-the-barrel that most of them don’t even make sense under scrutiny. Nettlebrand is on a dating app that allows its users the option of enhancing their photos. Wouldn’t that just lead to loads of bad dates? and yes, I know it’s a gag and isn’t meant to be taken seriously, but it isn’t funny so why should I give it a pass?

I guarantee that even if you see Firedrake the Silver Dragon “for free” on a streaming platform and make it all the way to the end credit scene that brings back the most unfunny of all the unfunny characters we encounter on this global adventure, you won’t remember this picture down the line. To me, that makes it worse than if it left audiences angry. Seeing "the worst movie ever" makes for a good story. This? It’s just diet water. (April 15, 2022)

#FireDrake The Silver Dragon #Dragon Rider #movies #films #movie reviews #film reviews #Tomer Eshed #John R. Smith #Thomas Brodie-Sanger #Felicity Jones #Freddie Highmore #Patrick Stewart #How to Train Your Dragon #2021 movies #2021 films

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Ocean's Thirteen (2007)

Inexplicably, the Ocean’s franchise didn’t sink into oblivion after the sewage that was Ocean’s Twelve. This third chapter in the series fares much better than its predecessor but never reaches the level of the original (neither the original original or the 2001 remake). Still, as another installment, it does offer the remaining fans more of what they want to see, which is something.

After Reuben (Elliott Gould) loses his investment in a new hotel-casino to his business partner, Willy Bank (Al Pacino), he suffers a heart attack and becomes bedridden. Danny (George Clooney) and the rest of the Ocean Club decide to get even by ruining Bank and his new establishment.

If you’re not endeared to the Ocean’s crew, this plot will be an uphill battle. "Boo hoo. Poor Reuben is so upset he’s not making millions off this gaudy casino that he’s become catatonic. Guess it’s up to his buddies to get revenge on his behalf instead of just convincing the proper authorities that he was strongarmed into signing a contract?" Towards the end of the film, the crew’s old nemesis, Terry Benedict (Andy García, whose character is brought back under dubious pretenses), sees millions of his money donated to charity without his consent. I wonder if any of the cash the protagonists end up swiping from Banks would’ve gone anywhere except their pockets had they not had a score to settle. While some of this is mitigated by the fact that Willy Bank is a jerk, what we're seeing feels like a whole lot of “the 1%’s problems”. There isn’t a love plot to make us believe this is about anything but money unless you count the brotherly love between the Ocean’s crew. Even that seems like a stretch.

In the first movie and even in the second in a “sure, whatever”, kind of way, it made sense for these 11 people (we’ll get to that number in a moment) to join forces. Now? It seems overly optimistic to think the random Chinese acrobat who doesn’t speak English would put himself at risk as he does here. Now to be fair, this story makes much better use of its characters than Twelve did. No one gets stuffed into a bag and shipped off to nowhere halfway through, for example. Everyone has a role to play and it works though it should be noted that neither Julia Roberts nor Catherine Zeta-Jones return.

You’re wondering who the two new members of the crew are. One is the aforementioned Benedict, who plays the role of a benefactor. The other is… Eddie Izzard as Roman Nagel. I think. The motif of adding a new expert to the crew with each sequel has basically disappeared, and for good reason. This series can barely handle the people it has on its roster. Adding more is becoming increasingly problematic but it’s also necessary. See, “The Bank” has insane security measures, the kind no one in their right might would even try to circumvent. On the one hand, this makes for exciting scenes that make you wonder how the lock will get cracked. On the other, it makes the plot feel manufactured. For example, there's this super secure room that contains expensive jewelry. The plan to get in? Have Linus Caldwell (Matt Damon) and his phoney-looking rubber nose seduce Bank’s right-hand woman, Abigail Sponder (Ellen Barkin). With the help of some magic pheromones, she’ll get so hot and bothered she’ll have no choice but to bring Linus into the only room in the whooooole building that's guaranteed to be deserted. Apparently, there are cameras in the bathrooms, the closets and her private office. It’s a horrible subplot made unintentionally comical by the fact that nothing happens between her and Linus. The movie teases nudity for at least 15 minutes. Ellen Barkin's chest is ALMOST falling out of her dress for so long it’s ridiculous. I thought she was slobbering at the mouth for some man meat but she’s not even taking off her clothes? What’s going on here?!

I’ve been mostly bad-mouthing Ocean's Thirteen because the film is constantly on the brink of crumbling under its own weight. I will still call it a “good” sequel because fans of this series will be happy with it. You hate the bad guy, there are enough laughs to keep you smiling consistently and the con is so complicated it’s fun to see all the pieces coming together. All of the actors are obviously having a great time. I’m in no hurry to watch it again but if you love love love the first, you didn’t mind the second and you want to know if you should watch the third, then I say “sure”. I say this despite feeling like twice was too many for me. (April 29, 2022)

#Ocean's Thirteen #movies #films #movie reviews #film reviews #Steven soderbergh #Brian Koppelman #David Levien #George Clooney #Brad Pitt #Matt Damon #Andy Garcia #Don Cheadle #Bernie Mac #Ellen Barkin #Al Pacino #Casey Affleck #Scott Caan #Eddie Jemison #Qin Shaobo #Carl Reiner #Elliott Gould #2007 movies #2007 films

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Big Trouble in Little China (1986)

Big Trouble in Little China is an odd duck that blends several different genres together. It may not be for everyone but it’s got a lot of personality and is certainly memorable. It’s got such a unique feel that those who like it are sure to call it a new favorite.

Trucker Jack Burton (Kurt Russell) is accompanying his friend Wang Chi (Dennis Dun) as he travels to the airport to meet his fiancé after years apart. After landing, Miao Yin (Suzee Pai) is immediately kidnapped by a Chinese street gang. When our heroes learn that she is to be wed to an ancient sorcerer named Lo Pan (James Hong), what choice do they have but to infiltrate his lair and rescue her?

As soon as you meet Jack Burton, you know this will be a different kind of movie. Kurt Russell’s performance, his dialogue and his swagger make this protagonist an instant icon. He sticks out even more once we're properly introduced to the story because he doesn’t belong. He’s a no-nonsense meat-and-potatoes kind of guy. What does he know about ancient prophecies, a trio of warriors armed with elemental powers, or magic? It’s like the movie was originally meant to have Wang Chi as its protagonist but Jack stumbled in at the last second and stole the spotlight - which is precisely the appeal. He’s so out of place that everything feels like a surprise. The fact that everyone but him (and the audience) are “in the know” means that sometimes, this movie is just plain weird. There was no buildup to that monster! Where did it come from? Where did it go? If this was “Grave Dangers in the Great Kingdom” with Dennis Dun and Suzee Pai as the main characters, you wouldn’t question it. With Jack? it’s wild stuff.

Everything I’ve told you about this film so far should be a detriment. Instead, it’s a strength because this movie is effortlessly cool. Big Trouble in Little China does its own thing and is having a great time. You get the sense that everyone on set probably didn't understand what this was all building towards but they all got along so well and had such a great time that it didn’t matter. The enthusiasm is infectious. Though best known for his horror and science-fiction films, director John Carpenter’s mark is all over this movie. It's unmistakably his, even if it stands out among everything else he's made.

All that said, I wish I liked this movie more than I did. While it is fun, sometimes it can feel aimless and unpolished. Maybe it has a few too many characters. Jack and Wang Chi are joined by lawyer Gracie Law (Kim Cattral), an old enemy of Lo Pan played by Victor Wong, Wang’s friend Eddie Lee (Donald Li) and Eddie's love interest Margo Litzenberger (Kate Burton). Then there’s this other girl the villains mistake Miao Yin for… but then it turns out she also fulfills the role Lo Pan wants her to in the prophecy… and it gets to be a lot of a lot. It’s clear Jack Burton is not the kind of character that could ever learn any sort of lesson or change. He’s exactly who he needs to be now, and forever. That’s why you like him. Everyone else, however, is in major need of story arcs or character development, particularly in a story like this one that is under constant threat of being overwhelmed by its special effects, creatures and wild developments.

I was hoping a second viewing of Big Trouble in Little China would make me fall in love with it. Looks as though this movie just isn’t my thing. That makes it sound like I don’t like it. I do like it. It’s just that everything I see on screen tells me I should fall head over heels in love and I'm not. A funny thing happened when I did view it, however. Someone else in the room did fall for it completely. Their instant enthusiasm makes me wholeheartedly recommend the picture. I hope it turns out to be your kind of thing. Even it isn’t, there are a lot of laughs, surprises, and memorable moments in Big Trouble in Little China. (April 7, 2022)

#Big Trouble in Little China #movies #films #movie reviews #film reviews #John Carpenter #Gary Goldman #David Z. Weinstein #Kurt Russell #Kim Cattrall #Dennis Dun #1986 movies #1986 films

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Road House (1989)

Road House makes you wonder what kind of yesmen director Rowdy Herrington surrounds himself with. A surefire way to make a film unintentionally funny is to take a mundane subject way too seriously. This film makes your average season of Yu-Gi-Oh! seem grounded in reality by comparison.

James Dalton (Patrick Swayze) is a professional “cooler”. He will enter even the rowdiest bar/club and de-escalate any fights that break out like no other man could. He's hired by Frank Tilghman (Kevin Tighe) to help transform the Double Deuce into a renowned, classy establishment. Unfortunately, the man with a mysterious past may be biting off more than he can chew.

With that setup, I bet you wouldn’t expect to see threats, vandalism, arson, murder and a monster truck destroy a building in broad daylight but Road House has all that and more. This movie is ridiculous with a capital R. The Double Deuce sees the kind of nightly brawls that would require it to replace every piece of furniture and glassware daily. They must sweep up at least 5 centimeters of glass, alcohol and blood off the floor every night before closing. It’s the grown-up version of Pleasure Island in Disney’s Pinocchio. People are breaking things, dancing on tables, pulling out weapons, throwing each other out of windows, etc. You wonder whether the Double Deuce’s lead singer (played by Jeff Healey) is blind because he got hit in the face while performing, or whether he performs at the Double Deuce because he can’t see what’s going on every night. Mad Max was more civilized than this Missouri club and that was set after World War III!

In this world of chaos walks James Dalton and his set of cool-dude rules that are sure to bring order to the asylum. First order of business? get rid of the problematic staff. I could’ve told you that one. If Mr. Tilghman had any sense he could’ve spotted the one doing drugs, having sex with ladies in the back, or skimming from the till from a mile away. Actually, if he had any sense, he would’ve just burned the place down and rebuilt it from scratch. No matter how much they clean the place, they can't expect the clientele to change overnight, can they? Surely all of the nightmarish patrons weren’t all brought over by the film’s main villain, moneybags Brad Wesley (Ben Gazzara). Well, maybe they were actually. The man’s got nothing better to do than systematically ruin other people’s lives for the thrill of it. His character is so flat and badly written the biggest surprise is that he doesn’t turn out to be a rapist - which helps make this movie a lot more fun. He’s so evil you half expect him to get banished by a crucifix at the end.

Road House wants to be cool, wants to be adult so bad it’s one of the most juvenile pictures you’ll ever see. There’s so much nudity in the film and the sex is so gratuitous it’ll make you blush. The violence is equally over-the-top, with what has to be one of the greatest movie deaths ever coming out of nowhere - even though it was foreshadowed ahead of time. You thought what you heard was an exaggeration? Oh, you poor thing.

Road House is exactly the kind of movie you want when looking for something “so bad it’s good”. It has the bad acting, the ludicrous dialogue, the implausible plot, the I-can't-believe-they-just-said-that quotes. Best of all, it’s always moving. It may be bad but it is never, ever boring. This is one for the ages. I’m calling it a must-see if you like your laughs ironic. (April 7, 2022)

#Road House #movies #films #movie reviews #film reviews #Rowdy Herrington #R. Lance Hill #Hilary Henkin #David Lee Henry #Patrick Swayze #Ben Gazzara #Kelly Lynch #Sam Elliott #1989 movies #1989 films

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Black Hawk Down (2001)

All war films walk a delicate line. You don’t want to portray war in a good light but movies are entertainment. You have to show combat without glorifying it but unless you have a good reason to, you probably shouldn’t show members of the armed forces as monsters (well, unless they're Russian). Black Hawk Down features too many characters to keep track of, the running time is way longer than is probably necessary and the character development is almost non-existent but these “weaknesses” are actually features. This powerful film immerses you in the chaos and trauma of armed combat.

In 1993, Somalia’s civil war rages. United Nations personnel are on a peacekeeping mission when the Mogadishu-based militia suddenly declares them enemies. To put an end to the conflict, United States forces make a move to capture Mohamed Farrah Aidid, the country’s self-proclaimed president. The mission should've been done in thirty minutes. Instead, there's no end in sight, with many men now stuck behind enemy lines.

This is a long movie. The theatrical cut lasts 144 minutes (and there’s an extended edition that’s even longer). Inside it, there are A LOT of characters played by familiar faces: Josh Hartnett, Ewan McGregor, Tom Sizemore, Ewen Bremner, Ioan Gruffud, Jason Isaacs, Tom Hardy, Orlando Bloom, and more. What roles do they play? It’s almost not important. I say this because once the operation goes wrong, you’ll quickly lose track of who’s who. You know you saw one soldier take off parts of their armor because “the operation isn’t going to take long and I won’t need the extra weight”. This almost certainly means they will be shot and killed at some point. The thing is, you can’t remember who it was that did that until they are hit. Once the titular Black Hawk helicopter is shot down, chaos erupts. People die, people are left behind, people are brought back to the camp to be treated and reinforcements are sent out. All hell breaks loose. Names, ranks and personal stories don’t matter anymore. It's all about the enemies all around them, the diminishing resources and the ever-increasing number of wounded. You feel like at any point the characters on-screen could be shot and killed. There are no certainties.

What makes Black Hawk Down so effective is how it shows us the bravery of the men involved in this military catastrophe and the futility of war as a whole. The militia who hound the U.S. troops are seemingly endless. When a man gets shot, there’s another right behind them to pick up their gun and take their spot. You wonder how these people can so carelessly throw their lives away. Did they not see their predecessor die seconds ago? Why do they insist on fighting? At least two scenes beg this question so vividly that they will leave a scar. One involves a woman who reaches for a gun. The other features a boy and his father roaming Mogadishu's streets, looking for soldiers. The U.S. military personnel are in a similar position. Their vehicles are constantly pelted by bullets. Inevitably, the gunner above will get hit and fall down, dead. Less than a second later, someone is ordered to take their place. At the end of the movie, we see the names of the people killed but that feels like an incomplete list. That severed hand we saw. Did it belong to one of the dead, or is it from another soldier who survived despite an injury you can never recover from?

There is so much chaos that Black Hawk Down could’ve easily become a slurry of violence - credit to the editing, cinematography, sound design, and score for making it a well-paced, "easily to follow" story. You only feel the movie’s length at the very beginning when we get at least a couple of paragraphs’ worth of text to set up the stage, and towards the end when all the soldiers are so exhausted they feel like they can’t go on any longer. It’s yet another way in which director Ridley Scott and writer Ken Nolan make you feel the way the characters feel. Then, you're hit with a wallop of a scene that shows no one - not even the people in the country you’re fighting for - can understand the inhumanity of war. I don’t know how anyone could watch this film and think “I need to enlist so I can experience this for real”. Watching it unfold from the comfort of your couch is traumatic enough.

Black Hawk Down hits some similar beats as Saving Private Ryan in that its carnage serves a purpose. It makes you wonder how anyone could choose to make war. In one scene I’ll never forget, a soldier’s gun is shot out of their hand. Their thumb is so badly mangled you doubt it can be saved. The weapon? It’s perfectly fine and fires like nothing's happened once it's picked off the ground. That moment says a lot, but rather than condemn the people who choose to serve, it shows that sometimes, you HAVE to intervene if you want a clean conscience. It fills you with all sorts of emotions in so many ways I foresee myself revisiting Black Hawk Down again in the future. Specifically, because it’s so well made on a technical level. (April 1, 2022)

#Black Hawk Down #movies #films #movie reviews #film reviews #Ridley Scott #Ken Nolan #Josh Hartnett #Eric Bana #Ewan McGregor #Tom Sizemore #William Fichtner #Sam Shepard #2001 movies #2001 films

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Warriors from Hell (1990)

The question isn't whether a low-budget action movie called Warriors from Hell is bad. The question is, why is it bad? Laughable performances? Special effects that would be boo'ed out of a high school play. Maybe a cheezy plot with one-dimensional villains? How about because it's boring? I know. I never expected a film titled Warriors from Hell to nearly put me to sleep.

Jacob (Glen Gabela) is heartbroken when Col. Dankov Esperato (Shayne Leith) and his soldiers massacre the women and children of his village. The men are taken captive and brought to the communist’s camp to be trained as members of his army. As the red menace’s influence in the southern African country grows, lone wolf Matt Buttler (Deon Stewardson) is sent to help.

Written and directed by Ronnie Isaacs, there isn’t a germ of talent in this entire movie. The pacing is dreadfully slow. I swear half the running time is spent walking through endless African-looking forests, plains, canyons, or encampments. For the first hour, the only excitement comes whenever a hapless prisoner is sent to run through a minefield or is torn apart by a hungry crocodile. You watch these poor souls in envy because, for them, the movie is over.

The film promises Rambo: First Blood-style carnage and action but you’ll be waiting a long time for that. Meanwhile, you’ve got to sit through embarrassing scenes of our heroes making one bad decision after another. The villain might be a rapist and a child murderer but at least his moves all make sense. Why Jacob and his fellow tribesmen think they can escape from the Colonel in broad daylight when they can easily be spotted and then gunned down, I don’t know. The monotony is too much to handle and what’s worse is that you know the movie is nowhere near the end because Matt is still making his way through who-knows-where while his fellow mercenaries are disturbing graves. In this moment, the energy you have left in your body manages to spring you awake for one last, desperate gasp. Early in the film, we heard about a curse of hell warriors. Now, Matt’s stumbled upon a supposedly mystical cave. Could this slow-as-molasses-going-uphill movie deliver some awful magic zombies? No. There is a prophecy brought up towards the end but it’s the most non-exciting waste of words you’ll ever have the misfortune of hearing. It’s bad enough you have to sit through an attempted gang rape. Now the movie’s dangling a carrot of false hope in front of your eyes? It’s almost infuriating enough to make you want to hunt down Ronnie Isaacs and treat him the same way Col. Dankov treats these poor Africans.

If Warriors from Hell was merely tasteless and dull, it would be one thing, but the writing is dreadful too. In no time at all, Jacob has forgotten all about his dead son and wife. Now, he’s not only crushing on a fellow captive at the slave-labor camp, he's fallen in love with her. They’re not the only couple that forms despite their loved ones’ corpses not even growing cold either.

Characters who were clearly killed in previous scenes show up again later, alive and well. When people do die - for real - their last breaths don’t evoke any sort of emotion. You might laugh at one pathetic attempt at dramatization, but that’s one unintentional chuckle in a film that feels as long as an entire school year. The platform I watched it on interrupted the main event with ads and each break was like a foot massage it was such a relief to see.

It’s hard to imagine anyone - even people who were involved in the creation of this abomination - sitting down and watching it all the way through. Warriors from Hell is an absolute waste of time and anyone who’s seen it, who’s even seen a few minutes of it, will feel their soul shriveling a little bit afterward. (April 1, 2022)

#Warriors from Hell #movies #films #movie reviews #film reviews #Ronnie Isaacs #Connie Chiume #Ivan Dean #Glen Gabela #Shayne Leith #1990 movies #1990 films

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A Dangerous Place (1994)

Ever wonder what The Karate Kid would look like if it also featured a ghost and a murder mystery? Well watch A Dangerous Place and wonder no more! Or… don’t.

When Greg (Dean Cochran) is found dead after an apparent suicide, his younger brother, Ethan (Ted Jan Roberts) suspects the Scorpions - a group of ruthless schoolmates who practice karate - are somehow responsible.

Though you won’t recognize the similarities at first, this is undoubtedly a Karate Kid clone. Unfortunately, this film contains none of the 1984 classic’s charm. The Mr. Miyagi equivalent (played by Mako) barely plays a part in the film. He’s only there so Ethan can already know how to defend himself and set up the big confrontation with the Scorpions at the end of the story. They’re of course led by Gavin (Marshall R. Teague), a ruthless white teacher who believes compassion is a weakness and that no trick is too dirty if it means victory. Even for this type of character, he’s broadly written. During his class, he quizzes students about whether Machievelli’s tyrannical advice should be followed - he already knows the answer. When Ethan gets into a fight in the cafeteria, Gavin asks his fellow teachers to stand back and watch. At least all Kreese from Cobra Kai wanted was to defeat Daniel. This guy? He asks his lead pupil, Taylor (Corey Feldman) to go for the throat and kill his opponent!

All that stuff’s primarily in the second half. The first has Greg get in over his head with the scorpions, die and have his murder covered up so Ethan can start investigating what happened. I don’t know whether to praise the film for not wasting our time pretending we don’t know who is responsible for Greg’s death, or to criticize it for doing this basic plot wrong. I suspect writer Sean Dash had no choice but to go with this unusual direction because the movie would’ve been too short if we didn’t have all those scenes of the Scorpions leading the police on surprisingly destructive car chases, committing crimes and otherwise establishing themselves as delinquents to Ethan. Considering the business they’re up to after hours, the over-the-top bullying they do at the school is beneath them and a waste of their time.

I’m surprised the picture didn’t try and lean more into the romance or student-teacher relationship that would’ve fit naturally into the story. Of course, that would’ve made A Dangerous Place even more similar to The Karate Kid and then, there would’ve been no room for Greg to return as a ghost. Now, at first, you might think the dead brother isn’t actually there. Whenever Ethan sees him, it’s when he’s dreaming, or feeling deep emotions. I thought he was just a figment of our hero's imagination too, until Greg gives his younger brother information only the dead boy could know. It’s probably just bad writing (it wouldn’t be the only instance in this film) and if that’s the case, I think this is the only movie I’ve ever seen to accidentally feature a ghost. I guess that sort of makes it amusing.

There are a few unintentional laughs in A Dangerous Place but not many. This is an utterly forgettable film that you would never recommend to anyone because everything it does, you can see better elsewhere. You’d even rather watch The Next Karate Kid than A Dangerous Place. (March 29, 2022)

#A Dangerous Place #movies #films #movie reviews #film reviews #Jerry O. Jacobs #Sean Dash #Ted Jan ROberts #Corey Feldman #Mako #Marshall R. Teague #Dean Cochran #1994 movies #1994 films #the karate kid

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John Wick: Chapter 2 (2017)

How do you follow a film like John Wick? The 2014 ballet of violence was such a pleasant surprise because it took a plot that’s been done to death and revitalized it. That’s where John Wick: Chapter 2 finds its purpose: by expanding on the world at the characters within it to make what was familiar new.

Set about two weeks after the first film, everyone now knows that assassin John Wick (Keanu Reeves) has come out of retirement. For crime boss Santino D’Antonio (Riccardo Scamarcio), this is the opportunity to collect a debt John owes him.

Like before, the stunt choreography is the reason to buy an admission ticket. By now we sort of know Wick’s preferred method of dispatching his enemies but it’s still plenty of fun to watch him efficiently and methodically take out anyone foolish enough to stand in his way. Director Chad Stahelski even throws in a couple of new tricks to make our jaws drop, like a scene in a bar that involves a pencil and not much else. There’s a particular death in that scene that’ll have you squirming, and you’ll love it.

If you think the only appeal is the violence, you're wrong. There are several points where the cinematography and staging are a wonder to behold. A climactic scene set in a hall of mirrors is a great example. Amazingly, cinematographer Dan Laustsen was able to shoot real people performing real stunts in this tiny enclosed space while keeping the cameras out of any reflections and making it look as good as it does. Oh, and shoot it in a way that’s easy to follow, which is the most impressive aspect.

So far, we’ve talked about what you’d expect from a John Wick film. What’s new? The side characters and large chunks of world-building. John is back in an environment he sought to escape. We caught a glimpse of it previously but now, writer Derek Kolstad gives us a good look. This world hiding in the shadows has its own politics, codes of conduct, currency, honor system and rules. Piecing how it all works is loads of fun because it makes so little sense it makes perfect sense. Countless assassins are hiding among us. The busker playing violin in the subway? They’re hiding a gun in their instrument and are ready to take someone out as soon as they get the call. Think that’s weird? Try wrapping your head around the secret society of killers disguised as vagrants! You have to believe these people spend most of their bullets taking each other out rather than high-ranking politicians who’ve made enemies, which actually makes the movie much more digestible than you’d expect. Like Sin City’s Marv said “I love hitmen. No matter what you do to them, you don't feel bad.” When these hired killers take each other out, they’re not people with jobs; they’re targets for John to take out. The secret society is so busy with itself that there's no room for police officers to respond or innocent civilians to get in the way/be taken hostage. Anyone and everyone has a gun hidden on their person. It’s so absurd it removes you from the weight of what all of these deaths would mean had this film been set in the real world.

John Wick: Chapter 2 (which is not going to be the last in the series) is not as surprising or fresh as the first but it makes up for it. Common, Ruby Rose, Laurence Fishburne and Claudia Gerini all play memorable characters with small but important roles. They join Lance Reddick, John Leguizamo and Ian McShane in the pool of actors who give the world a lot of personality. Once again, the fight scenes and gunplay are spectacular. It’s got more than a few brilliantly shot scenes, and its fast pace means the 122-minute running time flies by like nothing. If you liked the first, you'll want to see this one too. (March 26, 2022)

#John wick: Chapter 2 #John Wick #movies #films #movie reviews #film reviews #Chad Stahelski #Derek Kolstad #Keanu Reeves #Laurence Fishburne #Ruby Rose #Riccardo Scamarcio #Common #Lance Reddick #Bridget Moynahan #John Leguizamo #Peter Stormare #Franco Nero #Ian McShane #2017 movies #2017 films

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The Dallas Connection (1994)

The Dallas Connection is hilariously inept. In many ways, it’s got everything you want out of a "so bad it's good" action film. The performances are awful, with the title of “least convincing” constantly moving from one actor to the next. The plot is simplistic, bordering on idiotic, making it easy to follow even if you’re spending more time shouting insults at the screen than paying attention to what’s going on. The script contains gems like “I’d like to suck the polish off your toes” to keep you laughing. There aren’t a lot of action scenes but when bullets are exchanged, they usually result in some unconvincing dummies blowing up. Most important of all, it takes itself completely seriously, with several final act twists proving that some of the “mistakes” we saw previously were actually intentional. Only one thing prevents me from wholeheartedly recommending it to everyone. What is it? Read on.

A trio of beautiful assassins - Black Widow (Julie Strain), Cobra (Julie K. Smith) and Scorpion (Wendy Hamilton) - eliminate three of the four scientists involved in the creation of an advanced satellite system. To ensure Antonio Morales (Rodrigo Obregón) doesn’t fall prey to the same fate, special agents Chris Cannon (Bruce Penhall), Mark Austin (Mark Barriere), Samantha Maxx (Samantha Phillips) and Nicholas Lang (Roland Marcus) are sent to protect him.

Though the plot is easily summarized, it’s made to seem needlessly complicated. This is because of some equation that was split up among the scientists and then converted into microchips that need to be brought together so the satellite can be activated by a meteor shower. This will allow whoever uses it to detect any weapon on earth, anywhere - even underground. Huh? What? It makes no sense but doesn’t matter. The point is, we have a bunch of male scientists with something the evil people want. How do you get a man to hand over something useful? By seducing them, or blowing them up. Enter the trio of female assassins, all of whom are played by Playboy playmates. Like I always say, if you can’t be good, be sleazy and this movie takes that mantra to heart. Unnecessary shower scenes, prolonged sex scenes, a trip to a strip club and loads of inappropriate outfits make this the kind of movie that would be watched over and over by teenage boys late at night. It’s not quite as bad as Skyscraper, but it’s close. The most hilarious R-rated moment has to be a sequence set in a fancy restaurant. Mr. Morales begins fantasizing about what his bodyguard would look like in lingerie so of course we see Samantha Philips out of her clothes. They had to find some way to get it done… beyond the sex scene she had earlier.

While this obsession with the female body is hilarious and pleasing to anyone who might enjoy the female form… it might also be the one thing that won’t make The Dallas Connection fun for every crowd - especially if your group contains couples. Reportedly, Bruce Penhall’s wife was pretty upset by his enthusiasm in the hot tub scene. It’s easy to see why.

The ladies were cast primarily for their ability to dazzle audiences with their shirts off but the male characters aren't exactly Shakespearean all-stars either. One-liners that should have you cheering will instead make you groan, important dialogue is thoroughly unconvincing (and contains grammatical errors at least once) and everyone comes off as an idiot. It certainly doesn’t help that the story is full of inconsistent behavior - even if you take the twists at the end into consideration. You can spot a boom mike in the upper left corner of an early scene and the story will have you scratching your head. You’d think with the villains’ team being primarily composed of three “strong” women that Samantha would be the big hero at the end. She’s the only one that can’t be seduced, she’s the one that gets closest to Morales, and as the only woman on the team, she stands out. Except she’s a terrible agent. One punch and she’s down for the count - hardly a badass. You might say I was expecting too much but some of the reveals at the end are proper "Oh!" moments that force you to pause and think. Not much, but for a movie of this level, that counts for a lot.

Ultimately, The Dallas Connection is light on the action but makes up for it with the gratuitous nudity. At first, you'll say “Alright, I see what you did there” but it’s expected out of a film like this one. It’s what the poster is promising, after all. The third, fourth, fifth, sixth, etc. time the film finds a way to get the women out of their clothes are so absurd you'll be howling. Once in a while, it also switches things up with some bad performances, unconvincing dummies, lousy dialogue, and nonsensical writing. From my research, it sounds like this is par for the course for director Christian Drew Sidaris. If that's the case, I’m looking forward to seeing more. (March 26, 2022)

#The Dallas Connection #movies #films #movie reviews #film reviews #Christian Drew Sidaris #Bruce Penhall #Mark Barriere #Julie Strain #Rodrigo Obregon #Samantha Phillips #1994 movies #1994 films