ahnsael

[ahnsael]

So there is a thing I should tell you. I had a thought.

I apartment-sat for a friend of mine a few weeks ago, when I was still working. She invited me over one night because she wanted to talk about something and wanted me to apartment-sit for the next day when they were at work (it's complicated and related to the death threats so I bring pepper spray and a stun gun, but not an actual gun). We shared a bed (not in any romantic or physical way) so I could already be there when she left for work.

And her dog, who was SO hyper when I arrived, curled up against me as we slept. She says he does not like men. But he likes me. But I just realized that he curled up between us. I think he was making sure I wasn't going to cross any lines. He is a protective dog who has seen her through a couple abusive relationships so I respect the dog wanting to keep me a little bit apart from her. That is one good dog.

She wants to hang out again soon, but there is no timeline set for when that will be.

At one point, my friend was kicking her legs and whimpering like she was having a nightmare. I reached over and put an arm around her when the legs started kicking. When she started whimpering like she was in fear, I started rubbing her back. I was reaching over the dog to do both of those things. But I think he knew that my intentions were pure and that I was just trying to comfort her, and he let me do it, but he did give me a look like "cross a line, and you're butt is mine." But dogs are a good judge of character. So knowing that he does not like men, but allowed me to do that, he trusts me with her.

This is nowhere near a romance. But it is a good friendship. I would take a bullet for her. And if I knew she was safe, I would die happy. Or, since I do bring a small degree of personal protection (nothing lethal -- I do not do guns), I could also maybe protect her without taking a bullet. I just enjoy being her friend. I enjoy being her dog's friend. I like that he positioned himself between us to make sure I did not do anything untowards. He protects her. And the times we cuddled a little closer (even as a friend, sometimes it is just nice to hold someone, and like with another friend who confessed a crush on me, we agreed that now is not the right time but that does not mean that we cannot be there to support each other), and another has invited me to Thanksgiving dinner.

That last one is complicated. I would be dining with one of the people who is out to get me. But at the same time, over my casino career I got to know a lot of local Native Americans, a tribe which has multiple reservations near here (and I will be on "the rez," as they call it, when I go to Thanksgiving dinner). And I have been accepted as an "honorary member" of the tribe. They tell me that "honorary tribe member" has never happened before in their tribe. I consider it a great honor.

The tribe protects their own, and they have shown over and over again that they have my back. If there is a commotion, and they hear it, they will come running. They know my car, and it would be in her driveway or in front of her house by the curb. I have a distinctive Goofy vynil sticker on the back of it. They have seen it many times and know it is my car. If they think I am in danger, they will come. I know so many people in the tribe. In some cases it took years, but I gained their respect, even given the history of this nation. But I think I will park along the curb instead of in their driveway in case someone pulls unto the driveway after me for an easier escape if things go south.

It pays to treat all people with respect and compassion. In this case, it may save my life. I am glad I built so many good relationships from all sorts of people in my casino years (not just Natives, but every regular we had when I worked there). Not just for my safety, but because they are good people who I enjoyed having in the casino and talking with. I am very glad for the years I spent at the casino, getting to know my community. Learning the history of Native Americans in school is one thing; hearing from actual Native Americans has taught me a lot more about history than I learned in school. And the fact that I was an active listener and learner, I think, is why I am accepted in the tribe. I could literally be arrested for being on certain parts of their land by Tribal Police, unless I am with a tribe member. But going to this person's house, I have no fear of going there. They all know that I had this person's back when they needed something.

Not that they are hateful people (not in the slightest), but they see that I am learning, and honestly, when one said I would never see her 300 acres of beautiful land because I am a white man, I understood. I don't see it as racism, given the history between our peoples. But this is also an elder who has accepted me and would look out for me after years of knowing me. She is one of the few regular casino guests that I had a chance to say goodbye to when I went in to pick up a few personal items. She thought it was good that I made a point to tell her that no longer worked there, and that I have enjoyed her company over the years. She is one that took years to win over. But I had those years, and I won her over. Again, not in any way romantic. But I FINALLY earned her respect. And sometimes earning respect can indeed take years. But I got there.

Other times it can just take a five minute conversation, like the elder I met a couple nights ago. She said she saw in my face that I was troubled (which s true) and that I was a good person. An I think she is one of the people who will be there tonight, though I am not sure. But if she is there (her name is Angel, and she just may be my angel tonight if she is there), even this guy probably would not act if she tells him not to, even if we just met).

But this is my first Thanksgiving dinner where I have to bring pepper spray and maybe a stun gun (which I was given after the casino was robbed, but against two people with guns it would be useless; I could give one an incapacitating shock and then the other would likely start shooting, and it would put everyone in the casino in danger in that situation). But tonight there is only one person who I am worried about, and I met another tribal elder a couple nights ago and they approve of me). In a Native American tribe, the elders are the ones who call the shots. And I know and am on good terms with several elders in the tribe, so I think I will be okay. I probably won't even need pepper spray.

But I may have to act fast at one point. Pepper spray or taze him, then get the heck out of there.

I wouldn't go at all except for not wanting to let my friend and her little sister down. My friend has been planning on having me over for Thanksgiving since early in the year when we were a couple for about a month and a half, and she has put a lot of work into this. I couldn't care less about the guy who could be a threat as a person. But I don't want to let the others down.

Even when I quit with 18 hours notice, my boss was understanding. Another boss told me I did the right thing for me, even though he was sad to lose me. I have struggled for all my life (even at Disneyland, though it was not fellow cast members, just life happening). This is the first time that I feel safe dining with someone who may cause me harm because I feel like that, with pepper spray (the stun gun is too obvious), plus the support I have gained from being such a public face in a small town and treating people well is nice to know I have.

Sure, something could still happen. I just talked to my mom about the Thanksgiving situation and she thinks I should go. She knows the threat but agrees that I will be safe. I think I will go.

This is my first Thanksgiving where my biggest fear isn't "someone might bring up politics" but rather "someone may try to kill me."

If that does happen, which I doubt will since I will have pepper spray and (maybe -- not sure yet) a stun gun, then it happens. But there are two specific people I do not want to let down, and it is worth the risk. If I do not go, I am the jerk. If I show up and later leave based on behavior of someone else and feeling in danger, they are the jerk.

Wish me luck tonight. You thought a family Thanksgiving can be rough? Try having one with someone who has made death threats towards you.

But I;ll make it thrugh, I do not think tonight will be a time he thinks it is a good tie to make good on it. I should be okay. Especially if an elder is there. But other than him, my friend, and her younger sister, I do not know who will be there, but my friend did say there would be eight people, including me. But Thanksgiving just started a few hours ago and it's already the most stressful one ever.

[ahnsael]

This is really cool.

#Youtube

[ahnsael]

I just heard back from one of them. They are not feeling well but they are not in danger.

Thank goodness. This is the one not involved in death threats unless it is because she is my friend.

[ahnsael]

I'm getting worried.

I have several death threats that have been made against me recently. I know only one of their first names and none of their surnames. So it's not like I can report it. The Sherrif's Office would have nothing to go on, and it's not like I can prove it. They were made verbally.

But the two people who I stuck by when they had issues have not responded to me for days. And I got a phone call a couple days ago from who I thought was a former friend calling, but it was someone else using their phone.

Another friend, uninvolved in the threats as far as I know, hasn't answered either. But I know I've been being watched. One friend pointed out people who were watching me and I've seen it ever since.

I'm not worried about me as much as I am worried about my friends. Not that I want anything carried out against me, but I care more about them. Especially since one is not involved in the other situations and I really hope they did not become a target because of their friendship with me.

But at the same time, at least in that one case, one would think they would come after me, not them. One former friend I am trying to avoid because they have been making bad decisions and it was starting to affect my life (like one of the death threats). Obviously, that does not mean I wish them any harm. They and I had good times together for a while. They took me to a hot spring that I could be arrested for visiting if I had not had a Native American as my escort since it is on tribal land. The other has been a good friend for years. I apartment-sat for them a few times while they went to work to make sure her neighbor didn't sneak into their apartment (again). Then they got a new lock on their door (they were unable to lock it from outside when they left because their neighbor stol their door key when they were in the apartment uninvited) so they did not need me to apartment-sit anymore. But I was there to guard the place. I would bring pepper spray and a stun gun. I don't do actual guns. One day I brought a very sharp knife as well. But mostly I just played with their dog. I was always in view of the door just in case. I could have locked it from the inside, but their kids needed to be able to get in. One should not have to knock on their own apartment door to get in (ad the first time, they were not told I was there but they do know me so they just called thefriend I was apartment sitting for to confirm that I had permission to be there, but my friend confirmed that they had asked me to be there). The other times they told their kids beforehand that I would be there.

I am not panicking yet. But I am concerned. Hopefully it is just that life is just hectic for them and they are busy dealing with that. Goodness knows it is hectic for me right now. I've asked them (well, not the one I am avoiding but "I need someone to talk to" are magic words that make me reply, but I have asked the other two) to at least just send a text saying "I'm okay." That way I do not take up too much of their time if they are dealing with bigger issues. And if they are not okay, I will have their backs as best as I can. The two I am not trying to avoid, I would die for if needed. Obviously, dying is not the goal. But I would take a bullet for either one of them. Which is kind of a silly phrase, unless that someone is Barney Fife who was only allowed to carry one bullet. But I would put my life on the line for two of the three involved. The other one burned their bridge but I could not ignore "I need someone to talk to." But again, that does not mean I wish them harm.

I'm scared. But I'm more scared for them than I am for myself. I'm not much of a fighter, but I'll throw down if needed. If their lives are on the line or my own is on the line, the adrenaline will take control. If it comes down to that, que sera sera. My life is kind of in a shambles right now anyway. Not suicidal at all, but willing to die for a friend.

But it's like the casino being robbed at gunpoint in July (I guess there's not much point in hiding where I used to work now: https://www.kolotv.com/2023/07/18/suspects-arrested-after-minden-casino-robbery/). I was in the back on break when it happened. I feel bad I wasn't there to support my coworkers. Now I feel helpless again because even though I am avoiding the one making bad decisions, I cannot protect both of the others at the same time. One I am not allowed to visit, outside of the motel where they are living due to life circumstances, the other works different hours than when I am awake.

As I said, if I don't hear from the one in the motel, I will go talk to the manager who knows me from the casino. With the other, the best I can do is knock on their apartment door and hope they answer. The third, I know that one of the people who threatened me has been living there with my former friend, so I could be met at the door with a shotgun. So I will not go there. When one welcomes a 30-year felon into their home, there is only so much I will do. Plus, what he went to prison for was casino robberies. And they get together, and we get robbed. All the money was recovered (the article says they got away with an unknown amount of money -- we know how much it was but news articles try to hide the amount by saying that).

This has been one hell of a year for me. I hope I see the end of it. But I am always looking over my shoulder and checking my surroundings now. I never used to live with such paranoia. But when there are active death threats against you, "it's not paranoia if it's actually happening." Hopefully they are hollow threats, but I do not know.

I know I haven't been so active lately. I will try to check in once in a while just so you all know I'm still around.

I don't want you all to worry too much about me. My health issues are more likely to take me out than somebody else. I cannot fix some of the health issues but I can fight my ass off if confronted. And I will. And if there is one thing I've learned over the years, it is that I am stronger than I give myself credit for. And if I lose, I lose. I just hope my friends are okay.

I am trying to figure out what to do. Even with the former friend, I want to call for a welfare check. But she lives on native land so I would have to call tribal police to check in and they might not find anything out. Another friend was just in legal trouble for threatening to defend her apartment (how theygot in trouble for that but the guy who broke in got off scot free is beyond me). The other I do not have a room number for. I know the motel, just not which room they are in. Granted, the manager would know if sent deputies there to check in. But that could also be unwelcome by my friend.

Again, I hope it is just life happening and them taking time to deal with it.

[ahnsael]

I did put a "read more" in that post. It shows up if I try to edit, but not in the post I see. I apologize if I took up too much room on your dash.

[ahnsael]

I'm surprised to realize that I have not mentioned this here.

I left my job at the casino. I was under a microscope from somebody above my boss. I don't know who, but that doesn't really matter.

I have health issues. I was in the emergency room twice in a week. Then I went home early a few times after throwing up into trash cans at work because it would come on too suddenly for me to make it to the restroom. As a result, I was put on probation.

The writing was on the wall, so instead of getting fired I terminated my own employment. Everybody has been nice about it (at least those I have spoken with). And I hold no anger towards the casino or anyone there. Not even whoever it was who decided that I was on very thin ice, and tap dancing. Depending on what comes next, they may have done me a favor.

For now I am resting after over seven years of working on my feet, and adjusting back to a more "normal" sleep schedule. I used to wake up at 9pm for my graveyard shift. Today I got up at 6pm. It's a process.

I still wake up for moments to roll over and think "Who am I wrking with tonight? What specific things do I need to get done tonight?" And then I realize that neither question applies anymore.

I know I burned the bridge with the company. I only gave 18 hours notice. But I am honestly thanking everyone I speak to with whom I worked. Until receently, it was overall a wonderful experience. I even enjoyed it recently, but had added stress because of the situation. But I generally like (almost) everyone I worked with (and those I wasn't a fan of are gone -- I even get along with employees who almost everyone else does not like; it's all about how you approach them). I had over seven good years there. But it was time to move on.

There are a LOT of times throughout my career, and different jobs, where I ask an employee to do something they would rather no do and they respond "If any other manager had asked me to do that, I would refuse. But since it is you, I'll do it." When I was new at the casino, I told a porter (read: custodian) that my first rule of being a manager is to never ask someone to do something that I would not do. One night, someone vomited on the restroom floor. I couldn't just walk away from it, so I grabbed a handful of towels and started cleaning it up. My porter just happened to walk in as I was doing it. I did not advertise that I would be doing it. He walked in, saw me on my hands and knees (back when my hands and knees worked right) and said "Wow, you really did mean it when you said you wouldn't ask us to do anything you would not do!" From that point on, he never complained when I asked him to do something.

Iam really going to miss both my coworkers and my guests. I went in last night just to collect a few personal things. I forgot about my umbrella, but it felt awkward being there so soon after resigning. I refused to go into the office. That wouldn't feel right. The office is employees only. So the other manager grabbed a few things, then we spoke for a bit and shook hands. This is the manager with whom I did not get along for months. They we had it out and understood each other better and then we got along. We shook hands. I got to wish my security guard the best and shake his hand. I got to say goodbye to a bartender with whom I generally only worked with once per week, but we had good conversations on that one night per week. I got emotional enough that I had to let it pass before I drove home. Driving home with blurred vision from crying would probably be about as dangerous as drunk driving.

I still get emotional over it. I had been there since mid-July 2016. This is the end of a long chapter in my life. I am still a little surprised I went through with it. But I was going to be pushed out if I didn't walk out on my own. And I know this was not what my boss wanted. He did not want to suspend me Friday morning. It was onlytwo days, but it also came with 90 days probation, like when I first hired in, but more strict suspension. If I even left work early, I was likely going to be fired from the sounds of it, even if I am sick.

I woke up to a message from the assistant property manager (he was part of the disciplinary meeting when I was suspended) telling me he thinks I did the best thing for my physical and mental health.

There is only one sour taste that I have in my mouth.

We were robbed at gunpoint in July of this year. Our county has an app where I can make sure they are still in jail. But one of our employees has severe PTSD after having a gun aimed at them. I was in a break area when the robbery happened and didn't know it had happened until the robbers had left. I called 911, not knowing that another employee was already on the phone with them. AFTER I called 911, the employees said that the gunmen had said they would come back to shoot and kill us all if we called law enforcement. I may not have been out there, but I have been robbed at gunpoint. This was mid-2000s. I still have flashbacks.

So if they said they didn't feel safe and wanted to go home, I would let them. I have a heart. Sure, it left us short staffed, but my most recent boss would agree that part of being a manger is running the business, but we also have to care for our staff.

Then it came down from HR that if this person called off or went home early, we had to give very specific reasons.

First, they already know the specific reasons. They are just being picky. They have a note from this person's psychiatrist detailing how deeply her PTSD goes. One other time she had fallenwhile getting out of bed and felt like she may fall again during her shift, and I put that down as the reason. But I was being askedd to go deeper into asking about and announcing her private medical information. That rubbed me very much the wrong way.

This is not the bartender I saw last night, but they are one of the first people I told after I made it official and we spoke on the phone and wished each other well. We do have each other's phone numbers so it was not necessarily goodbye. But she is this sweet ld lady who can party. Emloyees are entitled to one free "after shift" drink whether they are gambling or not (if not gambling they have to pay for any further drinks but the casino's drinks cost less than any other bar nearby). She ordered a shot of Fireball and a manager who is thinking of leaving early next year (one of two planning to leave -- I don't know that they will be able to maintain a 24-hours-a-day operation with as many of us as they are losing) decided, as a joke, to fulll a "bucket glass" with Fireball (if you aren't familiar with "bucket glass," think rum & Coke sized, but not the tall 12 or 16 oz glass). He figured he was just wasting booze but that it would be funny.

Then this sweet old black lady, always demure and quiet, picked up the glass and slowly downed the entire thing in one go. The rest of the graveyard crew and the manager just stared and dropped our jaws. It really was impressive. The manager asked if she wanted another one and she wisely said no.

This same guy once made me a Jack and Coke in a tall glass and filled it up about 7/8 of the way (after icing the glass) with Jack Danieals, then just added a splash of Pepsi (they are a Pepsi company). I nursed that thing for about an hour and a half. I wasn't going to down it like a bucket glass of Fireball and then drive home. The other crew member who had a drink with us had a wine glass ful of tequila. And the company wonders why the cost of goods for the bar is so high. That bar will never in the history of the casino make a profit. It's their loss leader. Most drinks are complimentary. But it keeps people at the slot machines, which is where the profit comes from. Even when someone wins a huge (and my huge, at this casino that is as high as $15,750), it is actually good for the bottom line. Because they tell their friends, who then come in thinking they will win. And paying jackpots was my favorite part of the job. There is just something about laying out thanksands of dollars in front of someone while counting it out to them. I always loved when people win.

After all, I also watched people go completely broke chasing the big win. I saw one once (well, I didn't actually see it, but I saw the afttermath) run out of money, drain their bank account, run out of money again, then beg people for $3 in gas money to be able to get home (if I would have seen that, I would have had to ask her to leave, but I found out after the fact). When someone (another sweet old lady who I haven't seen since COVID hit so I have a feeling she is no longer...capable of visiting, let's put it that way) told me, I saw the one who had asked for $3 -- you guessed it, gambling that $3 to try to turn it into more.

But people do not seem to understand how slot machines work. Sure, they pay back generally close to 90% of what they take in. That is mandated by the state. But that is an OVERALL percentage. The machines will take and they will take. Then one person will get lucky, and the machine stays in compliance. There is never a guarantee that a guest will win at all. I once put $60 in a machine, bet the minimum of 75¢, and ran out of money without a SINGLE winning spin. Not even a win that paid less than my bet. Not even a one penny win. I never played that game again. But I have paid jackpots on that machine. I was just the unlucky one that time.

Another time, before I started spending more for better health insurance (and thank goodness I did that), I had a game that I liked to play. Most machines have higner payout percentages if you bet more. I would take $200 of each paycheck and use it in that game and either play until that money was gone or until I hit something good. And even if I lost, I had the means to make it until the next paycheck. After upping my health insurance, I was gambling maybe $20 per month at most.

But this one day I was betting $8.80 (it has a Chinese theme and the way the number 7 is considered lucky by many here, there it's the number 8 that is considered lucky). I got a reel combination that resulted in a win of $4,320. On that day, I was the lucky one. For that matter, every employee working at the time (other than the manager -- graveyard is supposedly the only shift where managers can accept tips because we are wearing more hats as far as job duties), some other managers do, but I figure that is between them and the company) -- but every employee other than the manager was handed a $100 bill by me. Tips/tokes/gratuities are NEVER required. I've had to have this conversation many times over the years when employees help with a jackpot and there is no tip. I have to tell them "Yes, they just won $4,000, that does not mean they have not lost a lot more than that." And I could look at their stats if they were using a player's card and see that even after a jackpot like that, they have still lost a lot of money.

It was a very interesting business to work in. I do not at all regret my time with the company. And my boss was very kind when I called him at 5am to tell him I would not be working there anymore, effective immediately. SSo yeah, I deefinitely burned the bridge with the company. But I am staying positive about the people I worked with and the overall experience. Behind Disneyland, this was the second favorite job I have ever had. I may be sad about how it went down at the end, but overall it was a fantastic experience and I will remember the good years I had. I met good people. I worked with good people. I served guests who were awesome to have in the casino.

Granted, there was the guy who tried to jump through a window trying to escape deputies. There was the robbery. There was the guy (who thankfully moved to the other side of the country) who would come in hammered off his rear and want drinks. He once offered me $10,000 for one beer. I said that even if he pulled out $10,000 on the spot, I would still say no. I doubt he had $10,000 on him. I would show him the door, then he would come back even druner, and with no memory of having been there earlier. There were fights. We had a guy break one of our doors (not the window thing -- he actually slit the wood slamming it open because he was upset that I asked to check his ID to make sure he was old enough to be there).

There was some workplace drama between people, but I did my best to stay out of it. If I could understand where both were coming from, I would sit with them and help them hash things out. But if one person came to me complaining about an issue they have with someone else but I'm not seeing what they were (I wrote "are" -- I have to get used to past tense with this job), I just tell them I don't want to hear the complaints. I heard it already, made a decision not to act because I don't see the thing they are complaining about, or it does not involve my shift at all,but people tend to just harp on it (sort of like me with this post).

There was once (quite a few years ago) we had an emplyee ask to go home sick. Their request was granted. Then they sat at a slot machine gambline for hours. We had a manager have too much to drink and cause a HUGE scene. Because of them, a rule was made that managers could not have more than two drinks in a day at the casino (just the one Jack and Coke I had that one day broke that rule). But that rule went away when that manager left. It was a specific rule to keep them in line.

But the good FAR outweighs the challenges. Iam curious to see how things go now that I am gone. But it would probably have to be through the grapevine. When I went in to pick up a few personal items, it felt strange even though I refused to go into the office (after all, the office is "employees only" and I no longer qualify). Just just being there, at least this soon after my employment ending, felt odd.

But I will find something new. It is a new chapter. A fresh start. A chance to maybe sleep normal hours (not sure I will get there; depends on what the nex step in employment is). And two fellow managers have offered to write me glowing recommendations, so that is good. I have definitely burned the bridge with the company. I have not burned any bridges with those with whom I worked. And Ihave no reason to burn any bridges. I worked with a good group of people. This boss was up there with the best bosses I've ever had. And I know everything coming down on me was not his decision (trust me, I've worked for him for over seven years; he is not a liar so if he says he is being told to do something by above him in the company, I believe him). He has proven over the years that he genuinely cares. He once LITERALLY saved my life by sending me to the hospital. Nurses, after doing blood work, were shocked I was still even alive. I had told my boss that the next day was my Friday, so I would go then to not miss work if I was kept overnight. Nurses said that if I would have ignored my boss and waited, I would have definitely died that day. Three days and two blood transfusions later, I was back on my feet and back at work.

So again, despite the fact that it came down to "leave on your own terms, or their terms?" I will always look back at my years there as a good experience. I learned a lot. Not just about the casino business, but how to be a more effective manager. As inconvenient as the times of training classes can be (great, let's go to a noon two hour training class when I have to be up at 9pm for work), the training program is good. And ongoing. You don't just go through initial training and then you're on your own. Classes are even repeated to keep it fresh. There is a binder of shift manager operating procedures in the office that we are told to read four times a year. Most of it is mundane and simple and there were pages that I skipped because I was there for so long I knew them. But there are also some special circumstances covered that it was helpful to re-read. Tehnically I was breaking a rule when I gave CPR at the casino one night. But if a 911 operator is telling me to do it, I am not going to argue. It's like the casino attendant who saw the robbery starting and was not seen, and immediately went outside to call 911, and told them -- when the robbers left -- which way they went, he could have gotten fired for that even though he did EXACTLY the right thing; not per policy, but as a person. All of the managers, including me, GANGED UP on HR to make sure he would not lose his job for having his cell phone on him or not having a manager be the one to make the call (I was uot back, and the other manager was a little busy being held at gunpoint and being threatened with death if he so much as touched his cell phone).

There are things about the company I will never understand. Like, I have an Apple Watch, and a new policy was emailed from HR a few days ago saying they are not allowed. And yet when I was part of drop night until this past monday, whoever was counting money would call me on my personal number (even not carrying my phone, even though I did start carrying it against the rules), I could answer on my watch. If I am not supposed to have it, why did my bosses call me on it?

But I did like when people would see me talking to another manager on my watch. I felt like Inspector Gadget. The difference is that his calls with Penny or Brain (did he have video calls with Brain? I forget) were video calls. Mine were audio calls.

Anyway, I need to shut up. I just have a lot of emotions in me right now. But the fact that my boss did not try to convince me to stay (he can be VERY pursuasive) and my other casino-level boss is telling me that he thinks it was the right thing makes me feel better about the decision. They know I got out before I was forced out. I was not sure about the "forced out" option but I had a feeling. Their reactions tell me that my intuition was correct. I do not know what is next, but I needed to turn that page. I just happen to be on a blank page right now. But the text will continue. I am going to miss the heck out of that job. Not as much as I miss Disneyland, but they were good to me for a long time. It's just a shame that I fell under the microscope because of health issues that they have documentation from doctors about. But I will not let that spoin my memories. A few people say I should sue them for holding medical issues against me, but I do not want that hassle. When I went down in January, I called my boss to tell him that I was ready to return to work, but told him that I would be using a walked. He said "absolutely not in a walker." Then he got chewed out about reasonable accomodation, and he let me back. And the funny thing is that whoever enforced reasonable accomodation is likely the same person who now wanted me out. I do not know that for sure.

So, yeah. That happened. I will see what the next chapter entails. All I know is that she won't discover that it's him 'til chapter three (Beauty and the Beast reference unrelated to my situation). As emotional as this time is, I have to find those moments of humor and happiness. It is a huge change in my life, but I have to remain myself, even under stress. And the encouraging words of even my bosses tell me that not only do they accept my decision, but they want what is best for me in the long run.

It's almost like the last time I was at Disneyland in 2019. I saw one of my old managers on the parade route irecting the sales of glow merchandise (it was always his thing) and I walked up to say hello. I look a LOT different than I did as a cast member. I'm much older and balder and more wrinkly. He recognized me as soon as he saw me. And right before the Main Street Electrical Parade (I think -- maybe it was Paint the Night by then; speaking with a former colleague who was maybe my best boss ever was more important to me than the parade). I remember "shooting out the lights on Main Street." I would take two glow swords and recreat the 1992 opening ceremony to the Barceloa Olympics (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gmRf41SVHS4). Except opposite. That guy used a bow and flaming arrow to light the Olympic torch (and it really was an impressive shot). I used my (fake) bow and arrow to turn the lights off for the parade. I always got at least some applause directed at me, not just the parade. I used to walk down Main Street U.S.A. and get cheered. Even during other parades, I would (badly) dance (I am not much of a danceer). But people recognized that I was trying and they would applaud.

I will not remember the casino QUITE as well as I do Disneyland. But I wil remember it fondly.

There will come a time when I will make another appearance at the casino. After I am employed again, I may even gamble some. But it is too soon, other than picking up some personal items yesterday.

[ahnsael]

Another update

Several years ago, a lady told a now former manager that she had a big crush on me. This manager was not always trustworthy, so I let it go.

A couple months ago, I finally asked this lady if it was true. She said it was -- as in past tense. I told her I was interested, but she is in a rough life situation and wants to focus on that. She said she needed time to fix her situation before even thinking about whether it was something she still wanted.

She is still in her situation, but she made her decision. It did not go my way. It never does.

But she and I are still friends. So that's a good thing. We don't want to give up on friendship. She and I both agree on that. I'd rather have her in my life as a friend than to lose her completely. I have to accept and respect her decision and not try to push anything unless she chooses on her own to change her mind. I had hopes. Not only had she told another manager that she had a thing for me, but her son, after I included him in a dinner, flat out told her she should date me. I thought that was going to be a deciding factor when she told me he had said that.

But life moves on. This year has been such an anomaly after 15 years of being single. Two girlfriends in the same year. Almost a third (well, I don't know how "almost" it was).

I need to stop putting myself through this. Because the two girlfriends I had (one for three days, one for a month and a half) didn't last long. I don't know that romance is even worth trying for. I see happy couples. People who work well together. I thought this one who turned me down was a good match. I still think we would be. But again, I have to accept and respect her decision and not try to change her mind. After my last girlfriend, who turned 24 after we dated (yes, less than half my age -- I turn 49 in less than a month), this one is 57, so next month when I turn 49, she would be 8 years older than me. And the difference is amazing. This one who chose not to date me is so much wiser and more mature. The last one, I see her making bad decision after bad decision. I do not see the young one as a friend anymore. She seems to think we are, but every time she calls or texts me, it is to ask me for something. A ride, some money, or to help her with something else. She tries to just use me. Even though she is with someone else now. She dumped me to move away, then never moved away. And then quit her job, meaning she cannot possibly afford to move away. She may have thought she was telling the truth about moving, but it turned out not to be true. The one before her, who is 40, was much more honest with me when she ended things after a few days. She didn't want to risk losing me as a friend if things did not work out. Well, things did not work out and that was her decision, and we are still friends. I told her she would not lose me as a friend no matter what, and I have proven that. I think she and I had a chance to work out (I was more sure about the most recent older lady), and would have loved to try. But things are what they are.

I just have to move on. And I have some serious thinking to do about whether to ever try for romance again. The pain when it does not work out is real. But while romance (or even the possibility of romance) feels wondrful (emotionally -- I'm not talking about physical things), when it ends it hurts a lot. The hurt may outweigh the happy moments.

So it may be best for me to just give up on ever finding someone who is right for me.Two of the three I pursued this year, I thought could be "the one." Actually, all three were in that category at some point. The one making the bad decisions, I am glad I lost. I dodged a bullet on that one.

The other two I would date again in a heartbeat if they changed their minds. No way with the younger one. The maturity level is just not there. She and I had some good times (she is Native Americanand took me to a hot spring that I would be arrested for visiting if a Native American didn't have me there as a guest). I do not regret her. But it is for the best that she and I are no longer together.

But for the other two, I would give all of my love to either of them if one was to change their mind and want me back. If both change their mind, I would probably just stick with whoever did it first. Then again, maybe the most recent prospect would be the one. The first does not like the second. I can talk to the third about the first. I cannot talk to the first about the third. I cannot talk to the middle one about either one of the other two. So it would probably be wisest, on the off chance that I GET another chance, to go with the one who is older than me. She is the one with whom I do not feel like I have to keep certain things surpressed.

But I don't think it is likely in either case. It's silly of me to even think of who I would choose when all three of them chose not to date me. Even if they did for a little while.

Oh, and I had to go to the emergency room twice two weeks ago. The first time they kept me overnight. The second time, the doctor just told me "I am not well-versed in something like this; here is a list of specialists I found on Google."

I won't go into detail. They were both scary situations but it would be WAY TMI to tell you what I was there for. I am not dying any faster than anyone else. Some antibiotics that played badly with my stomach otherwise did their job. I am okay. Mostly. Mentally, maybe not so much, and actually not that great physically, but I am better than I was. I will live until I die, but I don't expect death any time soon. Of course, we never know. I only drive four miles to work, and have almost been T-boned on the driver's side of my car twice by people running red lights and going 50 in a 25mph zone. And the casino had guns pulled when it was robbed in July. They shot at a deputy. They would have definitely been willing to shoot at any of us if we hadn't given them the money.

But the plan is for me to stick around in life for quite a while.

[ahnsael]

An udate

Okay, I cannot be completely open on Facebook but I think I can be here. There was a lady I mentioned a month ago. I had been giving her rides to and from work out to California (but only maybe 15 miles away from my place in Nevada). Then she asked to switch to a different shift and had no ride. I start work at 11pm. I am long asleep when she needed to get to work and when she got off work, I was already working so she would have no ride home.

One night my boss told me to take her home but for me to stay on the clock since I wa helping an employee.

Then she quit. We had dated for about a month and a half.

Now she is seeing a felon of 30 years who went in for robbing casinos. Then they get together and we were robbed. Suspicion mounts. He was not one of the robbers but they both may have helped plan it. I cannot prove anything but I was out back on a break, and they knew EXACTLY where to find the other manager and point guns at him.

She recently asked me for money again because she had found a new job and needed the money for a drug test. She would not pass a drug test unless the company was marijuana friendly. I do not know if that is the case and I wonderred if she wanted the money to buy synthetic urine.

This time I refused. And the felon made me do a thing I wasn't entirely comfortable with (nothing illegal) then she brought him to my home. My mom was smart enough to not let him in. She doesn't know his history but she had a good gut feeling. I am trying to avoid her at all costs.

On the other hand, there is a lady who I dated for all of three days who broke it off because she was worried about losing my friendship if things didn't work out. I said," you just said it didn't work out, but I am still your friend.

Recently I finally asked someone about a thing I was told years ago. A coworker told me about a lady who frequents the casino who had a crush on me. I sat on that for years. I finally got the guts to ask if it was true. She said that it had been. But her life circumstances have changed so she wants at least a month before even thinking about whether she still has a crush.

We've talked several times since then. We have been to dinner twice. The second time I invited her daughter, who knows me. Just so she would know it wasn't officially a date.

Her daughter got sick, so the lady asked if she could bring her son since I had never met him. Agreed. Then she told me he is transgender. I told her I have no problem with that.

At one point she misgendered him (granted, he is 23 and grew up being her daughter so I didn't judge).

Her son got this panicked look on his face and looked at me and I just said "Don't worry, I already know, and I am good with it" and then he offered me a fist bump. That was when he went from "nervous third wheel" to a more active part of the conversation. It was a good night.

She and I have gone from acquaintances to friends. She needss time so I am not rushing anything. I will give her all the time she needs to think about it when the time is right for her to think about it. I am not getting my hopes up. But at the very least I gained a friend. She said her son thinks she should give me a shot, and her daughter has also given her blessing. But it has to be this lady's decision. She asked if I was interested in trying and I said yes and that was when she asked for some time. As of now, she is a friend. And if that's where it stays, then hey, I gained a friend. If she wants to try more, I want to talk about not pressuring each other. Just let both of us decide if it is right.

So yeah, that's the latest. I know I'm not here very often anymore, but it is an outlet.

[ahnsael]

Wow. I knew Dan Reynolds (the lead singer of Imagine Dragons) liked rap, but this was pretty epic.

#Imagine Dragons #Kendrick Lamar #Radioactive #m.A.A.d city #grammys #2014 #Youtube

[ahnsael]

A coworker, for whom I was their ride, because their car is inoperable and I have been giving rides wo and from work, just asked off my shift yesterday because they couldn't handle the hours (I know graveyard is rough, and I also know it complicated their life situation).

Today they posted a request for a ride. I offered but they said no, they were already there by the time I saw it. That's good. If hey miss one shift in the next 90 days and they are done (due to past attendance issues). The ENTIRE REASON she was on my shift was so I could give them rides to and from work so they could keep their job. And on their FIRST DAY on a different shift, they did not have a ride lined up.

Tumblr friends, I have tried SO HARD to help her keep her job. Then they thought a different shift would work better. And after convincing the boss to change their schedule, they had no ride.

Y'all, I will do almost anything I can for a friend or a coworker. I did everything I could. If they lose their job it will be on them, not me.

Oneshift they missed was my fault -- I took a friend to the hspital. Upper manage knows that they were relying onme and I had a reasn notto be there. I don't think they got in trouble for that (if I find out that was held against them, I will fight it HARD).I know I am also on thin ice because (Yakov Smirnoff voice if you are old enough to remember or know how to use YouTube) "In America, people get fired for being sick (I do not have an "in Soviet Russia" second part because there really is no punchline to the fact that people lose their jobs for getting sick here).

I have done everything I am can do to save their job, but I can only do so much. I cannot save their job. At this point, I just have to accept that I cannot fix everything.

Now she wants to borrow $20 when they know darned well that they needed (like REALLY NEEDED) to pay certain bills and knows that I saw them gambling away their money. On a check that was pretty small. I am stupid, so I am going to give them the money.

[ahnsael]

I need to go to bed but I have food on the way. And I need food. I have a little in the fridge at work but I think I may need more tonight. It's our hardest working night of the week. In case somebody ate my sliders and chips (which wouldn't be all that odd -- people just eat anything they see sometimes but it is my fault for not writing my name on it most of the time. But I hope the restaurant doesn't cancel the order like yesterday. It was too late to order from someone else. So hopefully they come through today.

[ahnsael]

Don't skip the photos. I almost didn't enlarge them, but it's worth it.

#Disneyland #Haunted Mansion #Zillow

[ahnsael]

The court actually set bail amounts for the robbers -- one of which also shot at a deputy (missing him by 12 inches). The one who shot at the deputy has a bail of $2,500,000; the other one had his bail set at $1,000,000. They shouldn’t be eligible for bail at all. They even involved both guests who were in the casino in the situation. We had guests with guns pointed at them. That is not cool. Robbing the casino is one thing. Everyone working in a casino knows that robberies are possible. Guests do not work in a casino and should be involved in the robbery.

One guest who was there, Audrey, and I have become fairly close over the years. My boss suggested I reach out to her this morning. I can’t believe I hadn’t thought to do that. I tried to call, but I had an old phone number which is not in service. But she lives near me. I had never been to her house, but I knew which house it was. She has a horse, so there is a stable on the side of the house. So I stopped by and rang the doorbell, hoping she was still awake (she works graveyard, but her graveyard is earlier than my graveyard). She was awake and invited me in.

We talked for a while. She is coping as well as can be expected after such an experience.

My boss will be in early tomorrow morning and wants to sit down with all of us to see how we’re doing mentally. I invited Audrey to join us, since she is someone we all love and care about, and she was part of the robbery situation. I told my boss that I invited her and he is glad I did. Randi (the one whose drawer was robbed) won’t be there; that was her last graveyard shift before moving to swing shift today. I’m sure the boss will sit down with her as well.

I was thinking yesterday how it was supposed to be Randi’s day off the morning of the robbery, but I asked a boss if I could have her for one more shift. I was supposed to take her to the DMV right after work but it would be a long way out of the way to pick her up at her house and then backtrack. Much easier to go straight from the casino. And the day she wasn’t scheduled to be there but was, we get robbed. I felt really bad that I put her in that situation.

But I thought about that more today. I think the fact that she was there saved lives. Had she not been working, I would have had two cash drawers (one for the casino and one for the sports book). A casino attendant would have the other.

The casino attendant was standing where the robbers didn’t see him and saw them pull the guns on the other manager (who did not have a cash drawer -- it was his Friday and when it’s one of our Fridays, the other manager gives them as little to do as possible so they can be sure to start their weekend on time). Once they were out of view, he left the building and went across the street into an alley to call 911.

I was on our back patio taking a break. If Randi hadn’t been there, there would have been nobody in the building with access to cash. The other manager would likely have been shot had Randi not been there with the sports book cash drawer key.

#casino robbery

[ahnsael]

I think I’m gonna mess around and stay up again today to avoid the nightmares that will be coming. If I can do 48, why not 72?

[ahnsael]

We got robbed at gunpoint over the weekend.

First time in almost 9 years of our operation that this has happened. When I saw the names of the suspects, I thought, “I know these guys” Not personally, but I am familiar with both.

I haven’t slept in almost 42 hours. I keep replaying it in my mind with different scenarios. If I go to sleep, those scenarios just will play themselves out in my subconscious. I may go a second day without sleep. I haven’t decided yet.

I KNOW this is not healthy. But my work family is my extended family. And they were in danger. AND I WAS ON A BREAK AND HAD NO CLUE WHAT WAS GOING ON UNTIL IT HAD HAPPENED. I feel like I let them down. My adrenaline from the situation hasn’t faded. If I had beenin there with them and not on a break when it happened, I might have closure. 

I know I couldn’t have prevented the situation. But I would have been there with them. And I could have taken the hit (robbery) out of my drawer as a manager easier than it was for her as someone who is a casino attendant.I KNOW it’s’s not my fault (don’t go all Good Will Hunting on me with “it’s not your fault; I KNOW it is not but I am still allowed to feel bad that I wasn’t there for them when they needed me because I wasn’t informed until it was over).

Detectives wanted us to stick around for interviews. After crying on the shoulder of the one I felt I let down the most, they called my name and I said no. When I turned at my name, one detective said “Are you okay” as tears were streaming down my face. I said, “We were just robbed at gunpoint. You tell me if I am supposed to be okay.”

Another manager came in and I filled him in and he mentioned the HOURS of overtime I could have been getting, but I said “but then I would be drinking on the job and that would be bad.” And he said “If you are about to be interviewed by a detective, why are you drinking?”

“Because we were robbed at gunpoint this morning and we all agreed we needed a stiff one after that.”

We coped. We made jokes. We laughed together to keep from sobbing together. We were scared. I am still scared. I told one bos that I would not be getting any sleep and he took that to mean I was calling off and said “we’ll figure something out.” I had to reiterate that I would indeed be showing up to work, but that I would be emotional. I recognize the two who pulled guns on my extended work family.

They said that if we called the cops they would come back and shoot us all. I didn’t know that until AFTER I had called 911 to report the robbery. After another employee (he didn’t know the threat either) and I both called 911, deputies were EVERYWHERE. We went into lockdown mode. We chained and padlocked the doors shut (I was the one to do that, knowing that it might mean I would be the one to die if they did come back since deputies were already all over the place looking for them).

But the worse part was not being there for my extended family at work. If you know, you know. And ifyou don’t know, now you know.If you don’t see your coworkers,even the ones you don’t like, as extended family (who agrees with their uncle on everything?), you are in the wrong job. The fact that I wasn’t there for them hurts me.

I know it’s not my fault. Don’t you DARE tell me there is nothing I could have done. I know it’s not on me that I didn’t know what was happening. But I am still allowed to feel bad that I wasn’t there to take one for the team. My drawer would have gotten them a lot less money. Even if they knew about my second separate drawer with back up cash. I would have given them that too, if they mentioned it. They still would have gotten a lot of money, but not as much as they got.

One shot at a cop. He hit the cop’s car door and not the deputy. Thank goodness.

But my mom looked up an article and I saw the names and I immediately thought , “I know exactly who they are.” They were regular sports bettors. So apparently while they were placing sports bets (which they did do), they were also casing the joint. They put my extended family’s lives on the line for maybe a year and a half of salary at my pay grade. That will cost them both decades in prison. That pisses me off and puts me in a LONG line of people who want to be let into the jail to kick their asses. I am not a violent person. But they put the LIVES OF MY EXTENDED FAMILY on the line. And the fact that one of them shot at a cop proves he was willing to use that power.

Nothing pisses me off more than some coward, who is only a man if he has a gun to back him up,thinking it makes him a man. . I have no gun. If I had one, I would not be allowed to carry one at work.

But there is a LOT of discussion going around about how to to prevent this in the future. In almost nine years of being open, this is the first time we were successfully robbed. And while some ideas I agree with and some I do not, I welcome ALL ideas. The trouble is that I am the security department manager, and the security department consists of ONE security guard, and while he CAN look intimidating when he needs to, he is a eddy bear.

And he was off the day we got robbed.

But I am done waiting for detectives for hours. after work. They made me wait for four and a half hours and then called it off because I was emotional because I almost lost some of my extended family  If they want to interview me, I welcome it. But come in while I am on the clock. I am tired of working wrounf their schedule and getting no sleep as a result. I gave them my schedule. If they don’t come in, that’s on them. I waited 4½ hours after they arrived (6½ hours after the robbery) to talk to someone. At that point I was too upset and how everything was handled. I told the detective off and left.

They can interview me on MY schedule or not interview me at all. I played by their schedule and it messed me up sleepwise.

#casino robbery

[ahnsael]

I think the status of my job just took a turn in my direction. The other graveyard manager put in his two-week notice yesterday, then called in sick last night. Even if he really was sick and finishes out his two weeks, we’re already down another manager who is taking some time off. We are desperate. So I doubt they fire the guy who has covered graveyard for seven years when most other graveyard managers last less than six months (we re-hired one that lasted two weeks, and the second time he was with us I was an hour into my shift when I realized I hadn’t seen him since  minutes into the shift -- he won’t be rehired again).

I’m not sad about losing the other manager. Not only is it a good thing for my continued employment, but he is kind of a jerk.

What I am sad about is losing one of my coworkers to another shift. But inall honesty, it’s best for both her and the casino. For the first time ever, Graveyard is the most highly staffed of any shift.. There are nights when there are five of us, and we’re relieving swing shift which has a bartender and a manager, and that’s it. That shift needs her more than I do. Plus, she has really struggled with graveyard hours. Her body just couldn’t really adjust to the schedule.

But I will miss working with her. She is scheduled off tonight for her transition to swing, and I’m trying to change that. I am supposed to take her to the DMV in the morning and was planning on going to the DMV from work. If she is not there, I have to drive out to California to pick her up and then backtrack to the DMV, which would add about 30 miles to my morning driving. I’ve been giving her rides to/from work since her car was first damaged, then finally fixed, only for her to have her plates pulled due to expired registration.

She has told me to pick her up tonight whether she is allowed to work or not. If not, she will just hang out in the casino for eight hours. I will tell the bartender not to serve her any alcohol (I don’t want her going to the DMV drunk), and we may have a farewell breakfast with her, me, and our grave bartender. So I may or may not have had her on my shift for the last time. I’ll still see her for 30 to 45 minutes on days she works and I come in for graveyard, but I’m gonna miss the fun we had joking around.

She scared the HECK out of me twice by sneaking up on me and just waiting for me to turn around to see her right in my face. I told her I WOULD get her back. I failed EVERY SINGLE TIME. Until this morning, and I wasn’t even trying to do it. I had accepted defeat. We decided to have one last after-shifter drink together (since even if she works tonight, no drinks before DMV). But we had one this morning. And she was just sitting there and while we were talking and having a good time, I could see she wanted to gamble a little. So I broke a $20 bill and then came back and walked up to her machine on her right (I had been sitting on her left) and put $5 into her machine. It freaked her out. She was expecting me to come back on the same side. All of a sudden she has this arm in her eyesight putting money into her machine. I GOT HER BACK AND WASN’T EVEN TRYING! It was a proud moment for me. I didn’t need to get her back twice since she got me twice, just once was enough.

#work things

[ahnsael]

Why do they want us dead so badly

#Terry Pratchett #Discworld #GREAT book series #queue ball corner pocket