are-you-sick-of-me-yet

[are-you-sick-of-me-yet]

[are-you-sick-of-me-yet]

Does anyone else feel like they live a life where they’re repeatedly being punished for wanting closeness and and intimacy?

We’re told we should be open to love and create bonds and we crave intimacy and connection and we need it more than most people, since we already lost our bond with our parents, but every single time we reach for it, the pain of being betrayed or abandoned gets worse. To the point where we learn to not seek it out anymore, despite the craving, despite opportunities.

I’m at a point where I get flashbacks of pain when I as much as think about being close to someone, and I have to calculate if I could handle the pain of it, and most of the time I couldn’t. I think it plays a role that I’ve been socialized to respond positively to abusers and they can tell I’m a good target regardless of how much I try to act cold and distant to hide it. I can still get fooled by covert types and fall for their manipulation even though I have all red flags memorized. I just don’t notice until it’s too late and then I have another imagionary friendship to mourn. Anyone else living this life?

[are-you-sick-of-me-yet]

[are-you-sick-of-me-yet]

i relapsed

[are-you-sick-of-me-yet]

I can’t let go of a boy I met four fucking months ago. I literally obsess over him and I know I should t and it’s kinda wrong but I’ve tried to stop and I just can’t. I just want someone to love me just a little bit. Then they could kill me for all I care

[are-you-sick-of-me-yet]

me @ myself: what the fuck happened to you

[are-you-sick-of-me-yet]

Every once in a while I think “why do I have all these mental disorders, surely my childhood wasn’t that bad” and then I have an interaction with my mother and I understand.

[are-you-sick-of-me-yet]

[are-you-sick-of-me-yet]

[are-you-sick-of-me-yet]

abusers are always so fucking confident even when they’re completely wrong 99% of the time

[are-you-sick-of-me-yet]

i think there is something about people who were abused/neglected as kids that makes us embrace things that others consider monstrous. i dont think its a coincidence most of us like “creepy” animals like rats and crows. i dont think its a coincidence that we are the first to jump to the defense of “worthless” plants like dandelions. its why we get so attached to old toys and broken things. when you spend your whole life believing you’re not wanted, it turns you into a defender of the other unwanted things in the world. and you’re not just protecting them - you’re protecting the part of yourself that still believes you deserve to exist. just like they do. just like we all do.

[are-you-sick-of-me-yet]

It’s my fault I’m traumatized? Do you realize just how much work goes into traumatizing a person to this level? Can you imagine how much lies and gaslighting it took for me to start doubting my memory and start asking myself if I was insane? Do you understand what amount of violence it took to make me flinch at every movement, expecting a blow? Do you get how many insults and screaming it took to make me believe that everything was my fault, that I was less than a human being, irredeemable and worthless to the core? Do you understand how much humiliation, hatred and threats it takes to make someone this terrified and isolated? This was years and years of hard work! I could never take the credit, for once I lack the dedication, I would yell at myself maybe once and then go “meh lets leave it at that”. I would never have the energy to do this to myself! All the credit goes to my parents, they fought tirelessly to make me this exhausted, terrified, panicked mess overridden with grief and rage, they really put in the effort, and made it all possible.

[are-you-sick-of-me-yet]

[are-you-sick-of-me-yet]

i pray you heal from things no one ever apologized for

[are-you-sick-of-me-yet]

Kinda tired of being okay with things I’m not okay with

[are-you-sick-of-me-yet]

i love the part of growth that allows you to look back on a previous period of your life and recognize that parts of it were unhealthy. something that felt so normal wasn’t in hindsight. you’re not supposed to feel that tired all the time. you’re not supposed to be treated like that.

[are-you-sick-of-me-yet]