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asking-jude · 3 months

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Hi, so, i dont usually do stuff like this, but i don't really feel like i have anyone irl i can talk to about this right now. So I've recently gotten into a relationship. Its my first actual relationship and my gf seems lovely, shes always been really supportive and kind to me, even before we started dating. However, im not sure i really like being in a relationship, i find myself missing when she and i were just friends and i feel like I've jumped into a relationship to soon. I didn't have time to properly think through my feelings for her and i dont think they're really as strong as i initially thought. Ive started to notice this is a pattern for me, the second someone shows a mutual intrest in me i seem to start to lose intrest, even if i dont want to. My friends haven't havent been much help either, they're all currently upset with her for various and admittedly completely valid reasons, and they have proof of some really inconsiderate and honestly rude things shes said about them and to them (we're all in the same friend group btw). I dont know how to feel about any of this, i mean i don't want to break up, but how much of that is just me wanting to go with the flow? And staying when im not really feeling it feels unfair. Should i end things before they get to deep? Should i stick it out for a while? I'm sorry this is so long.

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Hi love,

Thank you for reaching out to Asking Jude. I am sorry that you are going through this difficult situation. Please understand that what you are feeling is completely valid. It is commendable that you are comfortable enough with your feelings to reach out for advice.

I would recommend taking some time to reflect on yourself and your feelings. Assess whether or not you genuinely want to be in a romantic relationship with this person right now, or if you want to be in a romantic relationship at all. You could also ask yourself questions, such as, “Would I be happier if we were just friends?” or, “Do I see myself with her two years from now?” These questions can help clarify your genuine feelings about the situation.

Communication is vital in both romantic and platonic relationships. Try to have an open and honest conversation with her. You can discuss how you have been feeling about the relationship, and what you both can do moving forward. Telling her that you’re trying to understand your emotions will allow her to give you time to evaluate the relationship. You don't have to rush into decisions about the future of your relationship. Allow yourself to explore your emotions without feeling pressured. If you conclude that a romantic relationship is not what you are looking for right now, make sure to clearly communicate that with your partner.

I have linked some articles that can help you navigate through this situation. The second article could be particularly helpful because it explores what you should ask yourself when considering your relationship, and it contains further steps to help you with the conflict of the desire of being in a relationship:

https://www.marriage.com/advice/relationship/relationship-feels-like-friendship/; https://www.elitedaily.com/dating/do-i-want-a-relationship-questions/2015423.

Ultimately, it's important to be true to yourself and prioritize your own well-being. If you find that the relationship with your girlfriend isn’t fulfilling, it’s okay to make decisions that align with your needs. Please remember that all of your feelings are valid, and always be patient with yourself. Thank you again for reaching out to Asking Jude! Please do not hesitate to reach out again.

Best of luck,

Irene

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asking-jude · 3 months

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I really need some help...

I have periods of time (could be from 1 minute to over a day) where I either feel like I'm not real, everything else isn't real, or both. At first it was every once in a while, but now it's gotten a lot more frequent, to the point where it makes it difficult for me to do anything. It's really bad, and I can't even look at the sky anymore without feeling like I'm going to throw up. For a while, it was manageable, but now whenever I look at an object I feel like something's off; it's either too detailed or not detailed enough, a slight shade different than it "should" be, doesn't look like how I remember it to be, etc. I think it's going to keep on getting worse, because earlier today I couldn't even look at my reflection. There's just a voice in my head now that tells me that nothing is real. I don't even feel like I am actually in my body, I have a constant headache all the time, and I can barely remember my name. I think this started happening because I've consumed so much media (for example, books, webtoons, TV series, movies, sometimes even daydreaming), but now the only way for me to get my mind off of feeling like nothing exists is to consume more media, which then furthers the problem. I really don't want to be alive anymore because my brain just hurts all the time. Any suggestions on how I could try to fix this?

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Hi love,

Thank you for reaching out to Asking Jude. I am sorry that you are going through this; I am sure it has been a difficult and confusing situation to navigate. From what you have described, it sounds like you are experiencing dissociative episodes. These usually serve as a coping mechanism in response to stressful events or high-anxiety situations, and can be challenging to live with.

Here is some information that might help you understand what you are going through: https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/dissociative-disorders/symptoms-causes/syc-20355215; https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/conditions/dissociative-disorders/.

If you are able, I would recommend speaking to a mental health professional. A therapist can provide you with coping mechanisms or medication that will help you feel more grounded and connected to your surroundings, and they can help you manage your episodes when they happen again. Many people who experience dissociative episodes benefit from breathing exercises and journaling. You can try writing detailed descriptions of your life and your identity, and you can read them when you feel like you are dissociating.

Here are some resources that discuss dissociation and how to cope with it in further detail: https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/dissociation-and-dissociative-disorders/coping-with-dissociation/; https://newviewpsychology.com.au/strategies-to-reduce-dissociation/.

It is also important to address your thoughts on not wanting to live anymore. I completely understand how overwhelming it feels to dissociate continuously, but it is important that you communicate these thoughts to someone (for example, a therapist, your parents, your close friends, etc.) so that they can help you cope with them. If you are not ready to communicate with them yet, there are other resources available so that you receive the help you need.

Here are some examples of 100% anonymous hotlines and online chats with licensed therapists: The 988 lifeline is a 24/7 available lifeline that offers anonymous care for those with suicidal thoughts: https://988lifeline.org

Here is a link where you can anonymously chat with a therapist: https://www.7cups.com/?correlationId=9e0ee25e-9b29-48fe-b015-cfbfc3657197. Here are a few more additional links that relate to suicide prevention: https://www.suicidestop.com/suicide_prevention_chat_online.html; https://befrienders.org/.

Please remember that whatever feelings you are having right now are not permanent, and that there are numerous amazing things you have yet to experience in your life.

Thank you again for reaching out to Asking Jude, and please do not hesitate to reach out again. I hope that some of this information was helpful, and I wish you all the best.

Love,

Jimena

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asking-jude · 3 months

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Hey Jude I’m really struggling with a situation that stresses me out. So in March I became friend and started to hang out with this guy at uni. I introduced him to my other uni-friends and we hang out all together. So I noticed that he was very flirtatious with me and at the beginning I just acted as if nothing was happening. I then slowly started to develop feelings for him but I didn’t realized yet so in meantime I was seeing other people (he was doing the same btw). We used to text every day and spend hours in phone calls but everything changed when one night I was hanging out this girl (I’m bi) and I met him. He knew that I was dating her but I think seeing me with her in person was different for him. He started to distance himself and would take hours to answer a text so I stopped contacting him. We barely texted during the summer and when September started we started seeing each other again for the lessons. My feelings for him were clear now and I wasn’t seeing anyone else and he began to talk to me as he used to do (even if at the start he was a bit cold). After some weeks I decided to make a move and one time when we were alone I kissed him. He was surprised but not in a bad way and we decided to go on a date the same night, but after few hours he texted me that he couldn’t go anymore. The next day he showed up at uni and acted like nothing happened. Since he wasn’t talking about that I decided to not talk about that either. Until some weeks later we were alone on the train to go home and for a specific motif (who would take too much space to explain) I called out his behavior and called him a coward and other things and I finished by saying I wasn’t sure to be friends anymore. He stopped coming to uni (it’s been three weeks) and I didn’t contact him since. I have to add that his mother is really conservative and made him very clear that she wouldn’t tolerate him dating a bi girl (he said this one time during a call before he distanced himself) and I think me being bi is a problem to him (even if he would never admit that). This stresses me out because he eventually will come back to uni and he will stay constantly with me because we are in the same group.

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Hi there,

Thank you for reaching out to Asking Jude. I am sorry that you are struggling with this situation. Friend group dynamics can be challenging, especially if there is someone in the group with whom you are no longer friends. I would recommend setting and enforcing boundaries in your relationship with him. Boundaries are rules or parameters that you can set to keep yourself safe, and it can be anything that will help you feel more comfortable around him. For example, leaving a situation if he is being disrespectful towards you, or deciding to take some time away from your relationship with him if he does or says a certain thing.

Here is some additional information on boundaries: https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/setting-healthy-boundaries-in-relationships.htm.

Biphobia is a terrible issue in modern society, and I am sorry you are experiencing discrimination from someone close to you. If you feel comfortable, I would recommend talking to him. You may not receive the explanation or closure you want after this conversation, so try to prepare for the possibility of a negative reaction. If he refuses to change his mindset regarding bisexual people, it may be best to reevaluate your relationship with him.

Here are some general tips on how to have difficult conversations: https://www.mindful.org/how-to-navigate-difficult-conversations/.

Unfortunately, we cannot control the feelings and opinions of others, so it is important to not live for someone else’s approval or acceptance. Though it is a nice thing to have, it cannot be our only source of validation. Here are some tips on how to handle family and friends who are unaccepting of your sexuality: https://www.onemedical.com/blog/healthy-living/how-to-deal-unaccepting-family-if-youre-lgbtq/.

Try to recognize and accept all of your feelings, and understand that they are always valid. Thank you again for reaching out to Asking Jude, and I hope that some of this information was helpful. Please do not hesitate to reach out again.

Hang in there,

Andrea

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asking-jude · 3 months

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Hey

I struggle with mental health issues; just throwing that out there before I ask: what are some reasons a girl might reject a marriage proposal but also still say she wants to marry you? How does one handle a situation like that? It's been a few months now, but I'm still haunted by this utter humiliation..

Do you want free, fast mental health help? Visit askingjude.org.

Hi there,

Thank you for reaching out to Asking Jude. I’m sorry to hear that you are struggling with this situation. Dealing with rejection is always challenging, especially when you are receiving mixed signals from the person who rejected you.

Here is an article that offers some tips on how to cope with rejection: https://www.betterup.com/blog/how-to-deal-with-rejection.

There are many possibilities as to why she rejected your marriage proposal, and yet still claims that she wants to get married. She may be interested in a relationship with you, but maybe she isn’t emotionally ready for the commitment of marriage. Perhaps she would like to be more financially stable before she marries you, or maybe she’s afraid of how her family and friends will react. It may not even be about you specifically; she could be dealing with other complications in her life that she wants to handle prior to marriage.

It is important that you talk to her to figure out what is going on, and to understand her side of the story. Communication is important in all relationships, and clarifying the situation will provide you both with closure. Try to have this conversation when both of you are calm and focused. Here are some tips on how to communicate effectively: https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/effective-communication.htm.

Rejection is difficult for everyone, even those without mental health issues. You may want to try talking to your friends and family about how you are feeling about the situation. It can be therapeutic to speak your feelings aloud to people who care about you. Try to remember that you are not alone in this, and that these negative feelings of confusion will not last forever.

You could also benefit from journaling. It is similar to talking with friends and family because you are able to freely speak your mind without fear of criticism. There are many different ways to journal, but the stream-of-consciousness method is particularly effective because you do not have to worry about proper grammar or punctuation. Journaling will likely improve your mental health, and it can help you work through your thoughts and emotions about the situation.

Here is an article that discusses journaling and its benefits in greater detail: https://www.urmc.rochester.edu/encyclopedia/content.aspx?ContentID=4552&ContentTypeID=1. Also, I have linked an article that talks generally about how to move on from rejection: https://www.goodtherapy.org/learn-about-therapy/issues/rejection/overcome.

Thank you again for reaching out to Asking Jude. I hope that some of this information was helpful, and please do not hesitate to reach out again if you have any further questions.

Hang in there,

Andrea

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asking-jude · 3 months

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I think I might be pan, but I'm afraid to come out to my parents (especially my dad) because they're both kind of homophobic/conservative. My mom said she would still love people if they were lgbtq+, but it means there's something mentally wrong with you.

I don't really know how to come out to them or when (I'm kind of on the younger side). I don't know if it even really matters coming out to my dad since I plan on going no contact with him since he's manipulative and narcissistic.

I'm also unsure of how to come out to my friends, or if that's even necessary. I could always just be like "Hey here's my girlfriend" but everytime I think I might be able to, my heart rate goes up wayyy more than it should and I feel really dizzy.

I'm just really confused and I don't even know if any of this made sense. I'm sorry for the long post of nonsense.

Thank you,

Anon

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Hi there,

Thank you for reaching out to Asking Jude. Deciding to come out to your friends and family is a big deal, and it can be terrifying if you are unsure of how they will react. Many LGBTQ+ people only come out to the people with whom they are comfortable and safe. Remember that you do not owe this information to anyone, and if you decide that you do not want to come out to your mother and father, there is nothing wrong with that.

Here are a few articles that discuss coming out in greater detail: https://www.thetrevorproject.org/wp-content/uploads/2019/10/Coming-Out-Handbook.pdf; https://kidshealth.org/en/teens/coming-out.html.

It is great that you are thoroughly thinking about this decision. Since your father is manipulative and narcissistic, I would exercise caution in coming out to him if you decide to do so. Since he is homophobic, he may eventually try to use this information against you at some point. It is ultimately your decision, but try to weigh the pros and cons of telling him. If you cannot come up with a decent reason for telling him, I would recommend you don’t formally come out to him.

You also mentioned that you were likely going to go no-contact with him eventually. Here is some information on that topic you may find interesting: https://cptsdfoundation.org/2022/08/24/tips-for-going-no-contact-with-a-toxic-parent/.

It sounds like your friends are accepting and welcoming of all aspects of your identity. It is completely normal to still feel uneasy or unsure about coming out, even if you understand that they will not judge you for it. If you don’t feel ready, that’s totally fine; there is no time limit for when you need to come out, and it is totally fine if you decide not to do so. If you do eventually decide that you want to come out to them, you may find it easier to come out to one friend at a time. Try to always prioritize your safety and comfort as you navigate this situation.

Thank you again for reaching out to Asking Jude. I hope that some of this information was helpful, and please do not hesitate to reach out again if you have any further questions.

Hang in there,

Andrea

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asking-jude · 3 months

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Hello, I'm in a difficult circumstance and could appreciate some objective advice and insight. To put our relationship into context, I'm a 23-year-old Australian girl, and my boyfriend is a 22-year-old Korean guy who is more culturally westernised. We've been dating for five years and have been living together at his parents' house this year. We started living together in a new area at the beginning of the year. It's important to point out that, as he states, the problems we're facing are the result of "trauma." This is due to the fact that I shared, at the beginning of our relationship, that I had been the victim of sexual assault before ever meeting him. Since then, I've moved past the trauma, and it no longer causes me any problems in my life. Here are the positive and negative aspects of our relationship to give you a better idea:

There are undoubtedly some elements of our relationship that I greatly value. He's very loving, which makes me feel valued and appreciated. Also, his financial assistance is a lifeline, especially because I am concentrating on full-time study and am unable to find a job or government benefits at this point in time. He has a terrific sense of humour and always knows how to make me laugh, even when things are going bad. He's a rock of emotional support, and his willingness to help with housework, responsibilities, and simply everyday stuff is a huge comfort. Above all, I have no doubt that he loves me, and it is something I value about our relationship.

Unfortunately, there are numerous troubling parts of our relationship that I'm finding difficult to confront. First and foremost, I am unable to travel out on my own or use public transport on my own, which is extremely restricting. Also, there are tight restrictions on what I can wear, including no shorts or exposing clothes, as well as no baggy shirts or anything that might show underwear lines. His overbearing concern for my safety in public is a cause of stress, frequently resulting in anger when any guy comes remotely near me for whatever reason, as well as continual reminders to be cautious. Our physical intimacy has dropped substantially, and he is not addressing my sexual needs. To complicate matters further, he regularly makes jokes about my hygiene, implying that I'm stinky or haven't brushed my teeth despite all of my efforts. Unfortunately, our conversations about these concerns often seem to return to promises of "being more careful," leaving me feeling caught in a loop.

Our problems have been recurring lately, and just to put things in perspective, here are a few of the ones I've recorded:

A straightforward dinner with a couple friends on October 11, 2023, turned into an awful experience. After she'd kissed her boyfriend, I shared a straw with her, and he became irritated because he thought that meant I was kissing her boyfriend. On top of that, he became irritated throughout our dinner when one of the waiters walked right up to me to deliver our food. He didn't believe me when I told him that I hadn't been bumped, and it took a lot of work to get him to believe me.

A few days later, on October 14, 2023, we had to go vote, which caused our troubles to worsen once more. He saw that I wasn't "aware enough" when a man approached me to take something, like a pen, and became upset. I was left feeling confused and upset since he refused to talk to me for a full day, claiming my perceived unawareness as the reason.

We've had several conversations about these issues, but each one ends with me promising to "be more careful." This is some more information about our circumstances. Even if things have gotten a little better over time, I'm somewhat worried that these issues might continue forever. It's important to note that, except for these moments, our relationship is amazing overall. Even when I'm staying at a friend's place, he has such control over my movements that I can't leave her house without him, but I do go and end up lying about it. In the middle of it all, I sometimes find myself daydreaming about a life free of these restraints—one in which I could travel anywhere I pleased, whenever I pleased, and wear whatever I pleased. But these ideas are always followed by the weight of guilt.

I really don't know what to do next. I love him, but I can't live with the stress and limitations these problems are bringing about. Should I leave? And if so how would I go about bringing up this conversation? He thinks there is nothing wrong so I have no idea where to begin.

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Hi there,

Thank you for reaching out to Asking Jude. I am sorry to hear that you’re going through such a challenging situation. It’s clear that there are aspects of your relationship that are causing you significant distress.

First off, it would be beneficial for you to take some time to yourself to reflect on what you value in a relationship and in a partner. Consider the qualities of a partner that you find important for your well-being and happiness. Take what you learned from your time by yourself and try having another open and honest conversation with him. Choose a calm and quiet place to talk with your boyfriend, and use statements that clearly express your feelings and concerns. Try to emphasize your experiences rather than blaming him. In this conversation, you can also provide specific examples of situations that have caused you distress, like the incidents you mentioned. This will help him understand the impact of his actions on your well-being.

Seeking professional help could also be beneficial for you and your relationship. If the issues persist and communication doesn’t lead to positive changes, you should consider seeking the assistance of a relationship counselor. An objective third party can help guide your relationship to a healthier state. You mentioned that you are questioning whether or not you should break up with him. When considering this option, you want to think about your long-term happiness and whether or not the relationship is meeting your needs. It’s important to compare the positive aspects of the relationship to the negatives, and to ask yourself if the relationship is ultimately healthy for you. The fact that you fantasize about a life without his restrictions and criticisms may be indicative of your genuine feelings about this relationship.

In the case that you don’t see yourself being happy in this relationship anymore, make sure you have a strong support network of friends or family to ensure that you have the resources you need to heal. I have linked some websites that will help you identify if your current relationship is toxic, and how to cope with toxic relationships: https://collective.world/if-youre-wondering-if-you-should-break-up/; https://www.verywellmind.com/toxic-relationships-4174665; https://www.healthline.com/health/toxic-relationship.

Once again, thank you for reaching out to Asking Jude. I wish you luck, and remember that it’s okay to prioritize your own happiness. Healthy relationships are built on mutual respect, and if your boyfriend is not respecting your wishes and is unwilling to make a positive change, you may want to consider whether this relationship is the best place for both of you.

Best,

Irene

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asking-jude · 4 months

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asking-jude · 5 months

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Hi I’m not sure if this is the kind of stuff you answer but I’ve been talking to this guy for a while and we’ve met twice and really got on but he’s away for work for a while and we had been chatting nonstop until one day he stopped replying. Three days later he replied not really explaining his absence and when I replied he’s gone awol again. I know he’s active online so it’s like he’s ignoring me. I don’t know what to do whether to message him again on a different app or does that make me look crazy? I just feel like I’ve had no closure from this and it’s me crazy anxious and affecting my mood bc I’m worried I’ve done something or that I’m obviously not good enough. I sound desperate but I really like him and I find it hard to move on without people telling me straight up it’s over. What should I do? Just ignore or try and reach out again? Im kinda fed up but there’s a part of me that really wants him to reply.

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Hi there,

Thank you for reaching out to Asking Jude. I am sorry that this is happening to you. You are not desperate for wanting closure; it can be frustrating when people stop communicating inexplicably. Here is an article that contains some tips on how to cope with ghosting: https://www.counselling-directory.org.uk/memberarticles/how-to-effectively-deal-with-being-ghosted. One of the most important things is building self-esteem. You can do this in many different ways, such as prioritizing self-care, trying to avoid comparing yourself to others, finding what hobbies bring you joy, and becoming comfortable with spending time alone. You could also try to create mental boundaries, such as defining what things are deal-breakers in a relationship. Being comfortable and confident in solitude can help you not feel as hopeless if this happens again, whether it happens with friends or potential partners.

I have linked an article that discusses how to improve your self-esteem in greater detail: https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/self-esteem/tips-to-improve-your-self-esteem/.

Also, I would not recommend trying to contact him from another app. If it feels like you are forcing the connection with this person, it may not be worth having in the first place. While you were not in an official relationship with him, moving on from a potential relationship is still challenging. Try to reach out to your friends and family for support during this time; talking to someone with an objective viewpoint on the situation can help you organize your thoughts and process your emotions. Here are some tips on how to move forward after the end of a relationship: https://www.helpguide.org/articles/grief/dealing-with-a-breakup-or-divorce.htm.

You likely haven’t done anything to cause his silence, but if you have, it is up to him to tell you. If he’d rather not communicate his feelings, that is his choice. If you have already reached out to him and haven’t received an answer, there is nothing more you can do. While accepting this fact is easier said than done, this feeling of hopelessness will fade with time. Here are some tips on how to cope when you don’t get closure: https://www.coaching-online.org/moving-on-without-closure/.

However you are feeling at the moment is completely fine; all your feelings are valid. Working through these complex thoughts and emotions will take time, and remember that it is not a linear process. You may feel fantastic and confident one day and completely different the next, which is normal. Try to be patient with yourself.

I hope that some of this information was helpful. Please feel free to reach out to Asking Jude again if you have any further questions.

Good luck,

Andrea

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asking-jude · 5 months

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Hey Jude. I have this thing that happened with my boyfriend about 7 months back and I don't know how to feel about it. We were at this rave having a great time and he started acting kinda weird, he kept telling me "I know what you did" over and over again. When we got home he said he knew I slept with a classmate of mine (which i didn't), and got aggresive and manic. At that moment I realized he was high and found out he had taken a really high dose of MDMA. I didn't feel safe but I stayed with him through the night to make sure he was ok. We talked about it the next day and he apologized but i still feel kinda icky about it, he's always been insecure and has these bursts of jealousy from time to time (he hasn't had them in a while). I haven't brough it since but i still think about it and it makes me anxious. I have regrets about staying with him on that night and feel like I should've left as soon as I started to feel unsafe. How do i get over what happened? Should i bring it up again? I feel like we've both moved on form the incident and he's been great. I don't want to feel like I can't trust him when we go out or wait for the next jealousy episode.

i know it's a lot. Thanks for your help xo

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Hi there,

Thank you for reaching out to Asking Jude. While some time has passed since this incident, it sounds like it is still weighing on you. It is understandable that you would have residual feelings about that night; someone you love was irrationally and inexplicably angry towards you, which can be scary. This event has caused you to view your boyfriend differently, and you may be doubting the relationship as a result. If you feel unsafe or afraid, or if you fear a similar outburst may happen again, I would recommend trying to talk to him about it. This conversation may be uncomfortable, but these feelings of doubt will likely not go away until you talk to him about that night. Open-minded and honest communication is vital to all relationships, and though it may be a difficult discussion, it is important that you tell him about how that night has been affecting you. This conversation will also allow you both to come up with solutions to prevent this from happening again, and you both can make a plan for how to proceed going forward.

Here are some tips on how to have difficult conversations: https://www.ccl.org/articles/leading-effectively-articles/5-steps-for-tackling-tough-conversations. I have also linked an article that discusses how to rebuild trust in a relationship: https://www.lovediscovery.org/post/activities-to-rebuild-trust-in-your-relationship#:~:text=The%20key%20to%20rebuilding%20trust,equally%20important%20to%20listen%20actively.

It is also important that you are patient with yourself. Working through these complex emotions may take time, and healing is not a linear path. Try to lean on friends and family as you process the situation; having a strong support system is vital for your mental and physical well-being. You should also try to lean on your boyfriend; you should always be able to rely on your partner to help you through difficult times. To help reestablish trust and mutual respect, you could also try to go to smaller and quieter events together, such as going to the movies, going on a walk, going to dinner, etc. These will strengthen the bond of your relationship, which will help you feel safer and more at ease the next time you go to an event like a rave.

Here are some tips on coping with traumatic events that you may find helpful: https://www.helpguide.org/articles/ptsd-trauma/traumatic-stress.htm.

As you work through this situation, try to remember that all your feelings are valid. While it is important for you to recognize and accept your feelings, you should also keep in mind that you cannot change the past; it is important to focus on making a plan moving forward instead of ruminating on past events unnecessarily.

Thank you again for reaching out to Asking Jude. I hope that some of this information was helpful, and please do not hesitate to reach out again if you have any further questions.

Hang in there,

Andrea

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asking-jude · 5 months

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So I just came back from a youth training and we'll. It was intense but I'm so proud of what I accomplished there. The project coordinators were genuinely really helpful. My issue is that I'm in love with one of them

So in love you don't get it it's not a crush

I'm 20 (and I have a boyfriend)

He is 28 and he has a gf

Maybe it's because I low key saw him as a supportive father figure who cared for me that made me fall that badly but idk

We couldn't be together too much of age difference and I don't know him that well. I just am so touched about how sweet he is. I genuinely can't get over him. I wanna be with him but I can't. He is from the same country as me

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Hey love,

Thank you for reaching out to Asking Jude. Acknowledging and processing strong emotions can seem overwhelming, but it is great that you have the self-awareness necessary for recognizing your feelings towards this person. I would recommend trying to talk through your emotions with a close friend or family member. Talking to someone with an objective viewpoint on the situation can help you precisely determine what specific thing is drawing you to him. If you do not feel comfortable discussing this topic with anyone, I would recommend journaling, which can also help you better understand your feelings. There are many different ways to journal; you can journal with specific prompts in mind, or you could try a stream-of-consciousness method. The stream-of-consciousness method is particularly effective because you simply write whatever comes to mind, and you don’t have to worry about grammar or sentence structure. There may be a brief period of trial and error before you decide which method works best for you.

Journaling can also help you recognize and work through the stress you are feeling about this situation, which will allow you to make an organized plan for what to do moving forward. As you mentioned, your idea of him as a supportive father figure may be contributing to your intense feelings. Pinpointing what specific thing is drawing you to him and writing out why you think you are having these feelings can help you determine whether or not you genuinely feel love towards him, or if you are just heavily infatuated.

Here is a link that talks more about journaling, its benefits, and how to get started: https://dayoneapp.com/blog/emotional-journaling/.

Next, although it may seem terrifying, I would suggest discussing this issue with your boyfriend, especially if these feelings persist. If you genuinely have feelings for this other person, it would be unfair of you to lie to your boyfriend and continue your relationship with him. Honesty and maintaining open communication is crucial for all relationships, and having a conversation with him will prevent any feelings being hurt later.

Here is an article that discusses some advice for effective communication with your partner: https://alchemy-of-love.com/expert-relationship-advice/how-to-communicate-relationship.

Love and emotions are incredibly confusing, so please remember to be kind to yourself. Striving to understand your feelings and maintaining honesty with your partner will hopefully help you through the situation.

I hope that some of this information was helpful. Please do not hesitate to reach out to Asking Jude again if you have any further questions.

Love,

Jordan Sadan

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asking-jude · 5 months

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anonymous said:

How can I think of myself as a good person and allow myself to experience good things, if I have done something horrible to my partner , breaking his trust and making him think about that all the time, almost leaving his mind even after months, essentially giving him ptsd, because every cute or lovey or couple-y thing he sees reminds him of us and me..... He didn't physically assault me, and he is very sorry when things like that accidentally happen, but he slapped me right after he found out and one time when we were discussing about it, he threw my half eaten hot dog in the trash and .. I'm used to ppl being mean to me, so it didn't really affected me, but stil :c It's okay if u feel too pressured to answer this, u don't have to, but I would appreciate it because I don't have the money, guts and anonymity to ask a therapist (at least at the moment) For context, what I did was sexting with a guy, even sending him photos of my naked body, something sacred, that only he should have seen in all of our lives..... and complain about stuff I didn't like about him to a friend, because I wanted someone to agree with me when he would get angry at something I did or did not, but now I know he said those things because he wants (or wanted...) us to grow and get better together:C Thank u <3 Also, sorry for the long ask:<

asking-jude said:

Hi love,

Thank you for reaching out to Asking Jude. I appreciate your openness in sharing your situation with me. Rebuilding trust with a partner and working through the aftermath of complicated situations like this can be challenging. Self-reflection and honest communication are the most important things to practice moving forward.

While it’s evident that you’ve reflected on the past and understand the consequences of your actions, you should still continue this path of self-reflection to better understand the motivations behind your choices. It’s important that you acknowledge your mistakes, and that you take responsibility for your actions and ultimately learn and improve from them.

Having an open-minded and honest conversation with your boyfriend will help rebuild a foundation of trust in your relationship. Sitting down and explaining your side of the situation, specifically what motivated you to do these things, can help your boyfriend put your actions into perspective. Sharing your reflections and listening to each other’s feelings and concerns without judgment can help you and your partner grow.

Try to forget your sense of pride and genuinely apologize to him. Showing remorse for your actions, and showing that you are willing to make amends with him, can help rebuild the trust in your relationship. Using this experience as an opportunity for personal growth is also important. If you understand the root causes of your actions, you can explore healthier ways to cope with challenges that may arise in the relationship.

Rebuilding trust and mutual respect is a slow process. It may take time for your relationship to recover, so practicing patience in your efforts is crucial.

Here are some links that contain tips on how you and your partner can rebuild trust: https://www.therelationshipcentre.ca/betrayal-8-steps-to-healing-broken-trust/; https://www.verywellmind.com/rebuild-trust-in-your-marriage-2300999.

Everyone makes mistakes; it is what makes you human. What matters now is how you choose to grow from them. Try to always prioritize your mental and physical well-being, and consider talking to a trusted friend or family member for support during this time.

Thank you again for reaching out to Asking Jude. I hope that some of this information was helpful, and please do not hesitate to reach out again if you have any further questions.

Best of luck,

Irene

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asking-jude · 5 months

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Hey, I’m gonna be honest I don’t know what I’m looking for right now as I write this maybe someone to listen to me, probably just attention knowing me but if you have any advice that’d be nice. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Lately I’ve been feeling like I let down everyone around me and it’s worse than usual I right now. I feel like any time I build an identity for myself it’s all based on a lie and all I am is just some idiot who draws a lot. I feel like I built this identity and image recently of a confident, smart, capable person but as soon as I saw I wasn’t as smart as I thought I just felt like I let everyone down. This is a pattern pretty much. I don’t even feel like a whole person just a bunch of pieces with nothing to connect them. No real core or true identity just nothing. Now I’m afraid because I let these people down they’ll stop hanging out with me so I still try to stay on their good side and give them something to like about me but it feels like I cant. At least not a genuine part of me. It seems I do stuff like this to people often because I don’t want to be hated. I don’t even know why I’m like this, my life hasn’t been great but it’s not awful. I feel like I’m barely holding on anymore and at this point I feel like all that motivates me is positive attention from peers and loved ones. I don’t even know why I need so much attention. I just want a normal life but I doubt that’ll ever happen. I don’t want to be a bad person but it feels like I am and I’m afraid to talk to people in case that’s true. Why do other people find it so easy to be kind? What’s the secret? I want to be a kind person but it feels like I’m not and never have been. In fact I don’t even feel like a person just an unfocused mass of pieces or a shell of a person. I want to be a person but I don’t know if I can. I don’t even know if this’ll be seen or answered but I hope it is I just want someone to acknowledge me.

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Hi love,

Thank you for reaching out to Asking Jude. Your feelings are completely valid; building an identity for yourself can be challenging and confusing, and it is never a linear process. The people around you may also have certain expectations for you and your life, which is likely exacerbating your confusion over your identity. It was incredibly brave and commendable that you had the courage to reach out and express these thoughts and emotions. Struggling with identity and the fear of disappointing those around you are challenging issues, and you took the first steps towards healing by asking for help.

You may find it beneficial to reach out to your close friends and family for support. If you share what you’re feeling with them, and if you are honest with the challenges you’ve been facing, they should offer support and a listening ear to your struggles. If the idea of speaking to someone you know feels too daunting, you can always reach out to a mental healthcare professional who can provide a more confidential and non-judgemental space for you to navigate through your emotions. Here is a link where you can find therapists in your area: https://www.goodtherapy.org/find-therapist.html.

You may also benefit from journaling. It is similar to speaking to a therapist because you are able to freely speak your mind without fear of criticism. There are many different ways to journal, but the stream-of-consciousness method is particularly effective because you do not have to worry about proper grammar or punctuation. Here is an article that discusses journaling and its benefits in greater detail: https://www.urmc.rochester.edu/encyclopedia/content.aspx?ContentID=4552&ContentTypeID=1.

It is also important for you to explore your passions and hobbies. You can try new things, like crocheting or making bracelets. Try to be patient; there will likely be a learning curve with any new activity, but you will find what works best for you eventually. Taking time to explore your interests without thinking about other peoples’ expectations will likely be beneficial to you. Here is an article that contains a list of new hobbies you may enjoy: https://bucketlistjourney.net/hobbies-list/. These new activities will help strengthen your sense of identity because you will get to know yourself better.

I have also linked some additional articles that contain tips on how to cope with identity confusion: https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-an-identity-crisis-2795948; https://www.betterup.com/blog/identity-crisis.

Try to be patient and kind to yourself. Always treat yourself the way you would treat your closest friend, and remember that it is normal to have occasional bad days.

Thank you again for reaching out to Asking Jude. I hope that some of this information was helpful, and please feel free to reach out again if you have any further questions.

Love,

Irene

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asking-jude · 5 months

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