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Person: *talks to me*

Me: uh oh *pulls out DBT workbook and flips to the interpersonal relationship section*

Person: ...

Me: ah, yes, here we go

#dbt #actually borderline #borderline personality disorder

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My in-patient DBT programme is over now. It was up and down and up and down down down and up again. I’ll try to sum it up for you and I’m really sorry for how long this post may become. The eating programme was horrible, I hated it. We were only two patients there, and the other was at a much darker point in her eating disorder than I was. Plus, there was always one nurse on our table to watch us and this made me pretty angry (I had issues with a lot of the nurses, my psychologist said this was most likely because of my passive-aggressive pd traits).

The DBT group was much better, I learned quite a bit from it, I guess. I’m probably going to post some particular DBT stuff that has helped me personally later, if you guys are interested in that.

But what helped me the absolute most was being in contact with the other patients. I never thought I would meet so many wonderful people there and make such good friends (I’m going more into detail about my friendships there in a separate post somewhen next week). I also had something going on with a boy (me with a boy, WTF, I know!). They all helped me to see that I do not have to be an asshole to protect myself from the people around me, that, if I stay positive and open and kind, it will attract people who are the same. And so on. I started taking walks and sometimes, one of my friends would go with me. We cuddled this beautiful cat whenever we met her. One of my friends dyed my hair pink.

Oh, and the doctor got me pills that, for the most part, are making things easier for me. Fluctine, 60mg per day.

My diagnose now: combined personality disorder with emotionally unstable, passive-aggressive and avoidant traits, recurrent depressive disorder and EDNOS. I was so shocked they first told me the results from my pd test (bc the test said that I had every single personality disorder that was tested, except for histrionic pd and schizotypic pd), but they assured me that’s only bc the symptoms tend to overlap and that I shouldn’t worry too much about the results anyway.

I’m home since tuesday, and I miss all of my friends, but tomorrow I’ll already see them again, so it’s ok. I’m still taking long walks. I listen to music a lot. I sleep long and deep. I think more positively and stay out of our usual family drama. I think, for the first time, I might've found my way to a better life.

#recurring depression #borderline personality disorder #passive-aggressive personality disorder #ednoz #borderline recovery #recovery #dbt #in patient #therapy #avoidant personality disorder #actually borderline #avpd #bpd #personal post

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The words will one day come back to you, birds returning, the movie run backward.

Robert Creeley, from “The Movie Run Backward,” Lights, Camera Poetry! American Movie Poems, the First Hundred Years, ed. Jason Shinder (Harcourt Brace & Co., 1996)

#fav #mental illness #positive thinking #bookseller

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personal comic about being sad

#mental illness #actually borderline

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how do you like dbt? I can't join a group because of my work schedule:/ but maybe one day.

Hey, as I mentioned in my latest personal post, I like it quite a lot so far (but I must say, I only had one DBT group last week!). What I’d recommend is: if it’s your first time in DBT, it’s best to go in-patient (since it’s a lot easier to practice mindfulness and new ways of coping in a ‘safe space’, with some distance from your ‘old life’).

I had to quit my job for my in-patient stay as well (I’m in the fortunateposition that I still live at home and I was able to put some money on the side in the last few years) and I’m positive that it is worth it. I hope you’re able to find a solution that fits your situation as well. :)

#asks

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Me: hey u know what I look good today

Also me: sees literally any other human being

Me again: actually

#bdd #actually borderline #borderline personality disorder

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Alright so I’ve finally got some spare time to write another personal post for you guys. 

So first off, the Halloween party was a lot of fun. A little strange, too, and I drank a little too much, but I was enjoying the party and met some new people. I’m glad I went there for my last ‘weekend of freedom’.

And since I’ve been asked that a lot: my in-patient stay is good so far. I mean, my feelings are still up and down and up and down again, but even though I’ve been there for just three days, I feel like it’s already helping me a little. 

For homework for example, I’ve got to identify the skills I’ve already been using in the past, and I’m surprised by how many there are. I always thought I used about zero skills. 

The other DBT and Schema patients are very kind and we all support one another, I really like that. I never knew something like that before in my life. 

The only bummer is, that I was supposed to take part in the eating program, but then I decided against it, and now I’ve already lost quite some weight and I’m having a difficult time eating enough. I still have to write down what I’ve eaten each day and if I’ve eaten a full meal, only half of it or nothing at all, or if I purged. So I’ll probably have another chat about this mess on Monday or so.

But I love love love art therapy already! I never thought it could be so relaxing and helpful, but it is. Now I’m home for the weekend, and I already wish I was back in the clinic, haha.

#in patient #dbt #actually borderline #borderline personality disorder #personal post

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Difficult clients/patients:

#actually borderline #mental illness

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Borderline means you’re one of those girls who walk around wearing long sleeves in the summer because you’ve carved up your forearms over your boyfriend. You make pathetic suicidal gestures and write bad poetry about them, listen to Ani DiFranco albums on endless repeat, end up in the emergency room for overdoses, scare off boyfriends by insisting they tell you they love you five hundred times and hacking into their email to make sure they’re not lying, have a police record for shoplifting, and your tooth enamel is eroded from purging. You’ve had five addresses and eight jobs in three years, your friends are avoiding your phone calls, you’re questioning your sexuality, and the credit card companies are after you.

Stacy Pershall, Loud in the House of Myself: Memoir of a Strange Girl (via youre-my-definition-of-fun)

#i'm screaming #i feel exposed #borderline personality disorder #bpd relationships #bookseller #actually borderline

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You're wonderful and I hope something amazing happens to you today~

Thank you so very much, so are you… And oh yes, indeed something did happen!

#anons

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I’m pretty productive at the moment, and I’m stepping out of my own comfort zone a lot.

I agreed on a goodbye-party in the bookshop I’ve worked at until this Tuesday, and even baked some lemoncurd filled cupcakes. And I’m so glad I didn’t talk my co-workers out of it because it was such a lovely evening. I almost teared up when I opened the gifts they had bought me, because they got just exactly what I like and it was all so thoughtful of them (I got three sketchbooks in A5, A4, and A3 for example, which I really really needed).

And as you can tell by the pictures, I’ve really taken up drawing again. Mostly still all pencil though, but I’ve started experimenting with watercolours as well. And on the bottom left you can see my first ever sculpture made out of modeling paste, paper maché, one huge nail and a cube of wood. I didn’t throw a tantrum when something didn’t come out perfectly, which is a huge progress.

Which may be because of the girl I already mentioned, we text a lot and she studies art and encourages me to keep going. I’m texting with a lot of new people these days, and I’m loving it. Next weekend I’m going to meet some of them for the first time, at some LGBTQ+ Halloween party (I’m excited, and not even all that anxious yet. Yey!).

The start of my in-patient DBT is now only 6 days away, and I have done all the things I had to do before that (writing down my own bio, doctor’s appointments, and co.) and that makes me at least a tad less nervous. And I now already have two people who will visit me there, since I met a girl who went to a similar DBT program, also here in Switzerland, just a few months before, and she would like to get to know me better, as it seems. So I’ve got at least a few things to be looking forward to right now. :)

#personal post #actually borderline #borderline personality disorder #in patient #bookseller

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me: I'm going to draw!

me: *sees someone else's art*

me: my art is horrible and worthless I'm never drawing again

#actually borderline #perfectionism #borderline personality disorder

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#bdd #disordered eating

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OMG. That girl I was talking about earlier. She’s going to visit me when I’m in DBT, the clinic is much closer to Austria than my hometown. I’m so happy! Makes me less anxious about starting my therapy (only three more weeks to go!) alltogether!

#personal post #actually borderline #in patient

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…and you tried to change didn’t you? closed your mouth more tried to be softer prettier less volatile, less awake but even when sleeping you could feel him travelling away from you in his dreams so what did you want to do love split his head open? you can’t make homes out of human beings someone should have already told you that and if he wants to leave then let him leave you are terrifying and strange and beautiful something not everyone knows how to love.

Warsan Shire, “For Women Who Are Difficult to Love” (via theminnieproject)

#actually borderline #bpd relationships #fav

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You guys know that feeling when you just ‘click’ with another person? You start talking and there’s just this instant connection, you share the same views and they find all the right words and everything is just so easy for once and you talk for hours and hours and it never makes you tired and you could go on forever and it just makes you feel really cozy and warm inside?

I think I just clicked with a girl that lives several hours from where I live in Austria, and I’ll probably never meet her in person. Yikes.

#seriously how is it 2 am already #bpd relationships #personal post #actually borderline

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#bpd relationships