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crashdevlin · 9 months

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Purgatorio

Author’s Note: This is part Thirty-three of The Best Laid Plans series

Summary: Y/n navigates the rough terrain of Purgatory.

Pairing: none

Word count: 4380

Story Warnings: angst...A/B/O dynamics, canon divergence, reader illness, a bit of a suicidal ideation

~~~

You felt like you’d been running for days, but you were sure it couldn’t have been more than a few hours. You killed half a dozen monsters in the time since you arrived in Purgatory, but they seemed like a never-ending tide. Running was exhausting, but it was better than fighting forever. You were on a mission, and that didn’t involve spending the rest of your life fighting monsters that had already been killed.

You could feel Dean, but it wasn’t strong enough to pinpoint his location. You just kept moving.

There was no sun, just a haze of foggy grey filtering through the trees. You didn’t seem to need food or water, but you stopped at a river out of habit and a lifetime of Bobby’s survival training. It was a poor choice, of course, as a werewolf jumped you from behind while you were analyzing the safety of the river for drinking. Claws dug into your right side as you tried to maneuver away from the attack and work through the pain. You grabbed blindly at the machete attached to your left hip and lashed out at the monster, but before the blade could make contact, a familiar sound met your ears.

You twisted to see the werewolf hit the riverbank mud, its eyes blown out with divine power. Standing behind it was the blue-eyed angel.

"Castiel? What are you doing here?" you gasped, adjusting your grip on the machete as you pressed a hand into the claw wounds on your side.

"I could ask the same of you." He stepped closer, and you moved away, fearing a trick.

"I'm here to save Dean. What else?" You shook your head. "John didn't even mention you. What the hell?"

"I can only assume John Winchester is hoping I have perished in the inhospitable landscape of Purgatory." The sullen way he spoke threw you off more than his words. “Let me heal you.”

You licked your lips and moved your hand, shifting to allow him access. “Why would John want you dead?”

“A lot transpired while you were absent, Y/n. I made several shameful, regretful decisions in the pursuit of victory in Heaven.”

“Wait, what?”

“Raphael wanted to bring Lucifer and Michael back, negate all of the sacrifices that marked that day in Stull Cemetery. I fought against it, but…the ends did not justify my means.” He reached forward and laid a hand on your side, healing your wound with a bit of burning divinity.

“What did you do?” you asked softly, pulling on every bit of omega comfort you could manage.

He looked away toward the horizon, looking for the river's end. “I betrayed Dean…and I hurt Sam.”

“How?”

“I broke the wall in Sam’s head. I made him remember. I drove him insane.” Your eyes went wide as the angel turned to you. “He remembers everything.”

“Everything?”

"Everything he endured in the Cage…but also, everything he did and said, everyone he harmed."

"I'm sure he had some tearful words with Dean and John over the things he did."

"From what I saw in my more lucid moments, the guilt seemed to better him." You couldn’t help but roll your eyes. A better Sam was still not worth your time. "How did you come to Purgatory, Y/n? John sent you? How?"

"John didn't send me; he found me and made me start remembering. I volunteered to come once I remembered Dean."

“And how did you come to be here?”

You looked down at the hole in your shirt and the blood on your hand. “Hades brought me. I’m supposed to find Dean and get him to the exit down south.”

“There is an exit?”

You nodded and looked back up. “Apparently, God wanted humans to be able to escape if necessary…which is a great thing considering that Hades can’t get me back home.”

“I’m surprised he was able to transport you to Purgatory; it is not usually the purview of the God of the Underworld.”

You shrugged again. “Hades has always been much more powerful than he’s given credit for.” You cleared your throat and looked down the river. “So, do you know where Dean is?”

“Only based on the movements of the monsters."

"And why haven't you found him?" you asked, adjusting your pack on your back.

"The Leviathans have been tracking me. It is best for me to stay away from him…and you.”

“Wait, you’re not going to leave me, are you?” you demanded, reaching out to grab the Angel’s coat. “Look, I’m a bit out of my depth here, okay? I’ve been running since I got here, and I’m exhausted. Please, don’t leave me.”

Castiel sighed and nodded. “Of course. I understand. But it will not be safer for you.”

“It’s better than running around alone.” You licked your lips and gave him a tight smile. “So, thank you for staying with me, Cas. I haven’t been back very long and just jumped into this rescue mission, kinda.”

“I understand, believe it or not. I was in a mental institute for many months before I was needed to send the Leviathans back to Purgatory,” Castiel said as he started walking away.

“You were crazy?” you asked, following him.

“Yes. When I broke the wall in Sam’s mind, he lost his sanity for a time. The only way I could heal his infirmity was to take it upon myself. It might have been better if I never came out of my catatonia.”

“But you said that they needed you because of the Leviathans…which are…what are Leviathans, by the way?”

“John didn’t explain?” You shook your head. “Of course, that does make a bit of sense. If he didn’t explain about me, then-”

“Well, I dreamed some stuff,” you interrupted. “So I know they were…pretty much about to eat the whole world.”

“You dreamed of the Winchesters?”

“Is that so weird? I used to be the Junction, remember?”

“Of course, I remember, Y/n. I remember everything.” He turned to you and tilted his head as he looked down at you. “But you were away from them. You didn’t remember your connection to Dean and John. It makes little sense that you would be dreaming of them.”

“Maybe I just missed them, and my soul reached out and made contact for me.”

“I suppose that is a possibility, of course. I find it strange that these dreams didn’t inspire you to contact the Winchesters.”

You shook your head. “There was a block. Every time I thought about contacting Sam or Dean, something made me change my mind. I suppose that was Death’s doing.” You cleared your throat and tried not to think about lost time. “So, how far away is Dean?”

“I estimate it will take us two days…and you will need to sleep soon. You are unwell.”

You didn’t feel like sleeping, but as soon as he said the words, you knew he was right. You couldn’t keep going much longer without rest. “Will you keep watch?” You followed him away from the river and into the woods.

“Of course.”

~~~

Sleep was hard-won with the environment and the pain in your ovaries, but you must have fallen into a deep one because you didn’t know a blade was tucked under your chin until you pulled yourself out of whatever dream you found yourself in that night.

“What the fuck are you?” the familiar gruff voice of Dean Winchester demanded. Overwhelmed tears filled your eyes before you even opened your lids to look up at him. He looked dirty, angry, almost feral, but it was Dean. “Shifter? Djinn? Siren? What are you?”

You blinked the tears out of your eyes and took a steady breath. The tears slipped down your face to disappear into your hairline. You made sure to catch his eyes and hold the contact as you tried to stay as still as possible. “Now, tell me what kind of monster could connect to your soul like I have, Winchester. Unless you wanna say that you don’t feel it.”

His bottom lip trembled as he glared down at you. “No, you…you can’t be her. She can’t be here. I’m not stupid, I-”

“If there was anyone other than your brother or father that could get here to try to get you out-”

“It’d be Y/n, but she’s gone. Death took her, and he didn’t bring her-”

“Of course, he didn’t bring me here. Hades did.” You took a chance and carefully reached up to pull the drachma necklace out of your shirt so that he could see it. “John said you were in trouble. Of course, I’d do whatever it took to help.”

Dean’s eyes fell to your necklace, then jumped back up to your eyes. “You gave up what Death gave-”

“Yes.”

It seemed to take a moment for the words to sink in, but he stumbled backward after they did and dropped the blade. You sat up and looked down at the weapon. It looked just as primitive and feral as he did. “I looked for you…for over a year,” he whispered. “I begged Death to tell me where you were. He said you were where you belonged and…” He took a deep breath that didn’t seem to do its job and blinked a few times to clear his eyes. “Dad found you?”

You nodded. “Yeah. John broke into my office and pulled a Bourne Identity on me.”

“Figures he finds you as soon as I’m out of the way,” he muttered, a bitterness to his words.

“It wasn’t like that, Dean. He only found me because-” The words stopped in your throat and refused to leave. You just found him. You weren’t going to ruin the reunion by dropping the news of your cancer. “Another hunter came across me, and let him know where I was.”

“Oh, so he was just lucky.”

“Right, and that leads to your luck, Dean.” You stood, picking up his primitive blade as you did. “I’m here to take you home. There’s an exit.”

“I know.”

“You know?”

Dean nodded and reached out his hand to take the blade back. “Somebody told me about it a couple months ago. We’ve been trying to find Cas so we can all get the hell outta here.”

You looked around for a sign of the Angel. “Wait, Cas was just here when I fell asleep. And, wait, who told you about the exit?”

“Well, if Cas was just here, then I’m sure we’re not too far behind. Grab your shit, and let’s see if we can find his trail.”

“Wait, who told you about the exit?”

He ran his free hand through his hair and chewed on his bottom lip for a moment before clearing his throat. “There’s this fang that’s been here a few years. He found out about it and wanted me to help him get out.”

“Monsters can’t get out. That defeats the purpose of the exit. It’s for humans only.”

“Yeah, well, Benny used to be a human, okay?” Dean argued. “And he’s had my back for months, and I think he deserves us at least trying to get his soul back home.”

You nodded, shocked at how fiercely he seemed to defend his new friend. “Okay. It wouldn’t be the first time we’ve worked side by side with something we should be hunting, right?”

“Yeah. Right. Hey, Benny!” he called out, looking behind him.

A man with a beard walked out of the foliage and stepped beside Dean. “She’s actually her?” he asked an accent that you couldn’t quite place on his words.

“Yeah. She’s real. Y/n, this is Benny. Benny, Y/n.”

“Benny Lafitte. Pleasure to meet you, cher,” the vampire said, offering his hand.

“Cajun?” you asked, guessing at his accent as you took his hand.

Benny smiled. “Yes, ma’am. Dean hasn’t been able ta keep his mout’ shut ‘bout ‘chu.”

Dean rolled his eyes and looked away. “Come on, Benny.”

“All good t’ings, o’ course,” Benny clarified.

“Of course. Well…do you know where the exit is, Benny?” you asked.

“Yeah, but Dean won’ let me take us dare ‘til we fine Castiel.”

You turned your focus back to Dean and licked your lips. “Cas was just here. When I fell asleep, he was with me, but…” You took a deep breath and sighed it out. “He told me he felt it was better to stay away from us. The Leviathans are tracking him, apparently.”

“Well, I’m not leaving without Cas, all right, so we need to find his feathery ass.”

Your eyebrow raised. “You’d keep us stuck here just for Castiel, who refuses to be found?”

“Castiel deserves to-”

“Cas doesn’t agree,” you argued.

“Why does that matter?!”

“Keep your voice down, Dean,” you demanded.

He looked around and licked his lips. “Okay. Look.” He stepped closer to you and looked down into your eyes. “You just saw Cas. He said he doesn’t deserve to go home, but you and I know him, and we know that he deserves everything we do.”

“I don’t know him that well, but I know that we need to get out of here. He’s a goddamned Angel. If anybody could get out of here, it’s him, but he doesn’t want to go-”

“He can’t stay here, Y/n!”

You glared up at him. “Dean, you should understand better than anyone the feeling of being unworthy of salvation. But he actually did something worth feeling that way. He told me what he did to Sam. You’ve forgiven that?”

“He thought he was doing the right thing. I should doom him to this place for it?”

“No. He doomed himself, Dean, and I’m telling you, if anyone could make it out of here, it’s Castiel.”

“Then why is he still here?”

You sighed. “Come on. We just talked about this. He doesn’t think he deserves to go home.”

“Then we find him and force him to-”

“Dean, bruddah, we needa get movin’. I hear somethin’ comin’ our way,” Benny said, calling attention to himself quietly.

“We’re finding him.” Dean’s voice told you that he wasn’t arguing about it anymore, so you stopped saying your piece and followed the men further into the woods of Purgatory.

~~~

“Your dad found her just to get you back, and you gonna risk it all for the Angel? You gonna risk her for the Angel?”

You could barely hear the two talking in the clearing ahead of you. Dean was facing away from you, but Benny kept one of his eyes on you.

“Benny, she’s not at risk. She is the strongest woman I’ve ever met. I’m not joking. Dad went to her because he knew that she would do whatever it took to get me back, and that means she’s going to have to wait for me to find Cas and convince him to come home.”

“I think dat’s probably frustratin’ for her. She came all dis way an’ you won’t go wit’ her?”

“Look, I know you wanna get out of here, too, man, but I gotta try to get Cas-”

“This ain’t about me. I know you gonna get me out if you can, but look at her.” Dean looked over his shoulder at you, but you pretended you didn’t notice as you sharpened your machete. “You said you’ve been sick over her for years. She’s here. She came for you. Don’t you think she needs a little bit of an explanation?”

Dean ran his tongue along the inside of his cheek and nodded, letting out a ‘yeah’ under his breath. He cleared his throat and walked over to you. “So, uh, you probably want an explanation, huh?”

You focused on your machete and the whetstone in your hand. “If you want.”

“Okay. Um.” He licked his lips and dropped down to sit on the log you were sitting on. “So, I pretty hard on Cas when everything went down. He hurt Sam, so I’m sure it’s not a shocker that I was pissed. But when we needed him, when everything was coming to a head, and the power and the Leviathans had thoroughly flown his cuckoo nest, I gave up on him. I thought the Cas I knew was gone, and the world was gonna end, and it was gonna be his fault. I was bitter and angry at him and angry at Death and…” Dean reached up and ran his hand through his hair. “Sam had faith. Even after what Cas did to him, Sam believed in him…and it worked. Cas came through, but it was too late. The Leviathans ripped him apart, or at least I thought they did. I thought he was dead. I thought he was gone forever and that he went out with me barely able to look him in the eye.”

The emotion in the tone of his voice made you turn to look at him. “That’s not your fault. Cas betrayed you. You had every right to think that he was irreparably changed. I mean, this is Castiel, the Angel that rebelled against Heaven for you.”

“Yeah. That’s pretty much what I was thinking, but…his heart was in the right place. He was tryin' to make sure that Sam throwing himself in the Cage and you and Dad and Bobby…”

“Yeah. He said that. There was so much sacrifice, and he didn’t want it to be for nothing.”

Dean nodded. “Right, and he just got so deep in trying to do the right thing that he ended up way far off the mark and buried so deep in Crowley’s bullshit that…Point is, I should never have given up on him, and I can’t give up on him now. Does that make sense to you?”

You took a deep breath and twisted to face him. “Of course, it makes sense, Dean. But you still have to figure out what you’ll do if you can’t convince Cas to come with us. Are you going to stay?”

“No, of course not. I got people waiting for me back home. Until a few hours ago…gettin’ back and finding you was on the top of my list.”

“I’m sorry I disappeared,” you whispered, leaning forward to put the whetstone back in your backpack.

“Did you know what Death was going to do? That he was going to…”

“Erase half of my life and put something completely different in its place so that I don’t go searching for my past and everything I walked away from?” you finished for him. “No. He just said he was going to take away my damage. I figured he was going to wall off or take away my memories of Hell, but Death didn’t think that was where my damage started; he thought it was a symptom of the damage that started when I got way too close to the Winchesters.”

“So, he took all of your memories of us?”

“Nope, not all of them, just everything after my eighteenth birthday. Everything went bad after John and I…”

Dean scoffed. “Wow. I thought things were bad with Sam not being able to remember the time between going into the ground and waking up in the Panic Room.”

“He replaced what he took with other memories. I never imagined that I was missing so much.”

“But you remember it all now?” You nodded. “Why did you leave?” You placed your bottom lip between your teeth and chewed on it for a moment, trying to figure out a way to explain what you were thinking when you took Death up on his offer. “I know you were angry about me taking Death’s ring and about me working so hard to save Sam, but-”

“It wasn’t fair that he got to forget,” you interrupted. You zipped your pack and stood. “He got to forget Hell and everything he did and said when he was soulless. He got to forget stalking me, treating me like a piece of meat, and trying to kill your dad, and all the other horrible shit. I had to remember. It wasn’t fair. I just didn’t want to remember. I wanted to…” You took a deep breath. “Death gave me a chance. He let me be what my father wanted me to be; a normal girl with a head for antiquities and a reliance on no one except myself.”

“What about Bobby? You weren’t there when-”

“No, I wasn’t, and I don’t think Bobby would have wanted me there. He wouldn’t have wanted me to see him lying in a coma from a gunshot wound. A gunshot!” you hissed. You looked away in disgust at the thought of it. “But Bobby would have been happy with who I became. The very last conversation I had with that man was him telling me that I should leave.”

“What?” Dean sounded shocked.

“He saw that you weren’t treating me well, putting everything and everyone else above me, and he told me to consider leaving. He told me to move on from you because you were never really going to be mine because you can’t allow that. He said that I could go pretend to be normal with someone else somewhere.”

“And Death stepped right up and made it happen. So, who was he?”

You rolled your eyes and picked up your backpack. “It’s so like you to pick up on the least important part of the story. There was no one. I thought I was a virgin, blissfully ignorant of all the times I was used or forced to use someone I didn’t want. I didn’t remember pining sickness or Winchester family drama. I was actually happy, but as soon as John found me, I knew I had to come to get you. So, here I am, with all my damage firmly in place, waiting for you to get your guilt over Cas assuaged so we can go home.”

“You were happy?” he asked quietly as you started walking away toward the river.

“Don’t worry; it’s been remedied.”

~~~

A few weeks later, you and Dean walked down a Louisiana backroad heading toward Benny’s grave. He’d been quiet since you made it home and you knew it was because Cas didn’t make it through the portal. Benny made it through, though, in Dean’s forearm. Souls were weird.

“Maybe you should go back,” Dean said suddenly, after hours of silence.

“To Purgatory? No, thank you.”

“No, I mean, back to the life Death made you.”

You scoffed. “What would be the point?”

“You were happy,” he insisted.

“I was blissfully ignorant. I’m not anymore. I can’t just go back and be that again.”

“You could find somebody to make you forget about…everything.”

You chuckled, thinking about the email you read as soon as the two of you made it to a motel. It was from your other-life doctor prompting you to call him to discuss the rest of your treatment and how important it was to find out how to deal with the prognosis, because if it was ovarian cancer, the survival stats were low. “I’m gonna be dead a few months, anyway, so there’s really no point.”

“What?”

“I’ve got cancer, Dean.” You kept your tone even, keeping a Hunter-appropriate amount of nonchalance in your stance.

He reached out and grabbed your elbow, effectively stopping you and turning you to face him in one motion. “You what?”

You looked up and saw fear in his emerald eyes, but you felt loss emanating from him. “I have cancer. I’ve been taking the strongest suppressants available since 2009. I’m probably going to be dead within the year if projections are right.” Dean looked a mix of lost and confused, so you reached up and patted his cheek. “But unlike last time, I’m going to Heaven and I’m gonna stay.”

“W-wait. If it’s just, just normal cancer, then why don’t you-There’s chemo and shit, ain’t there?”

“Spend my last few months without any hair, nauseated, and weak? Why would I do that?” you dismissed.

"You could live! You…or we could…we could find an angel or…why didn’t you have Cas fix you?”

“He was barely standing, Dean; I wasn’t going to have him waste his energy on me.”

“Why the hell not?!” He scoffed. “You can’t seriously want to die, can you?”

You scoffed right back. “You know, a week ago I was terrified of it. It was the worst thing I could imagine, but…now that I know everything I’ve been through, dying seems like a sweet fucking reprieve, ya know?”

“Look, I know that things haven’t been the best for you but…” Dean looked lost for words for a moment so you interrupted.

“Things have been worse than not the best.”

“I can’t lose you again, Y/n.”

“Yes, you can,” you disputed, trying to walk away. Dean stopped you.

“No, I can’t,” he insisted, getting in your way. “I’ve had you on my mind every day since Death took you and I cannot lose you again. Heaven, Hell, the Underworld, the other life, I can’t…” He took a deep breath and looked down into your eyes. “My soul hurts with you gone and I can’t…I can take any kind of pain the world throws at me, honey, but I can’t take that anymore.”

There it was; that honesty that completely disarmed you. “Dean…we don’t work. We never have.”

“Because we never let ourselves work. Between me pushing you towards Sam and putting him before you and letting everything get all messed up all the time, we never let it work, but I promise you, okay, I promise that if you go get healthy, I will never put Sam before you ever again.”

Your jaw dropped a little. “You can’t promise that.”

“I am. I am promising that I will never allow my brother to come between us again, and I am promising that if you get this cancer shit dealt with, I will finally mark you and spend the rest of your life being the worst decision you’ve ever made. Understand me?”

Your eyes went wide as you searched his face for any sign that he was being insincere. You saw only love and fear. So you nodded. “Okay. I’ll call my doctor.”

#cassie writes stuff #spn fanfic #a/b/o dynamics #alpha!dean #omega!reader #angst #canon divergence

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crashdevlin · 9 months

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Losses and Gains 7- Canon

Author’s Note: This is the seventh chapter of Losses and Gains, the second part of To Have it All. This is Something More...from Jensen's side!

Summary: Sometimes, it's easier to just move forward and celebrate the now.

Pairing: Jensen x Reader, background Reader x Tom Hiddleston

Word count: 5312

Story Warnings: mutual masturbation, pining, a bit of Jensen not knowing what to do with himself

~~~

Jared and I went to work while Y/n rested. Part of me wanted Rich to give her the day, but I knew she would resist that. She wouldn’t want to be the reason we ended up behind on shooting. In fact, she pushed through faster than I expected because less than an hour later, Richard was calling ‘Cut!’ and everything ground to a halt as Y/n walked onto the stage. I kept an eye on her as Richard talked to her.

“She looks okay now.”

“Yeah. Looks like.” I tried to look away from her and not stare, but I couldn’t stop myself.

“You know you can’t sleep with her, right?” That sentence made me turn my attention to Jared again, just for a moment.

“What?”

“She’s right. Until Dee actually divorces you, you can’t sleep with Y/n. Before was sanctioned and this-”

“I know,” I growled, turning my attention back to Y/n. “But not because of Danneel. I’m not gonna push things with Y/n because she has made it clear that she can’t deal with it. But the moment she is ready, I’m going for it.”

“And are you gonna stay sober long enough for that to come to fruition?”

I rolled my eyes. “Are you serious, dude? I’ve got Y/n back. What do I need to drink for?”

“You understand that is the worst possible way to look at this situation, right?”

I turned back to look at him, not understanding what he meant. “What’d’ya mean?”

“You know how people always point out how codependent and toxic Sam and Dean’s relationship is?” He looked at me like I should have caught a clue from what he was saying. “That’s what you’re doing with Y/n. Her being a part of your life should not be the thing that keeps you from destroying your life, okay? She’s not your sanity, Jensen. You gotta be able to hold your shit together without her because this relationship is on shaky ground…if she decides to dump Tom, and that’s a big if.”

The idea that there was a question of if made me scowl. “No, it’s not. She’s in love with me. She never stopped being in love. Why would she stay with him? He’s a dick.”

“Yeah, he is, but he’s also told the entire world they’re together, and he’s gotten close with her family, and apparently Nova likes him and his ‘funny accent.’ They’ve been making plans. You think it’s gonna be easy for her just to walk away from all that? She had a panic attack over this decision.”

I turned back to look at her as Rich patted her on the back, and she nodded. “Not gonna be easy, but…she’s gonna do it. Besides, I may not have an accent, but Nova’s gonna love me.” I smiled as she approached the set. “How you feelin’?”

“Better now.”

“That’s good. You excited about-”

“Jensen, can we just…work? For now, can we just do the job and talk tomorrow?”

Her words were cold, but her eyes were sad, and I could feel the confusion rolling off of her, so I just nodded, and we did just that. We worked. She seemed to be having trouble focusing, but we made it through the scenes. She left as soon as Richard gave her the all-clear, which Jared seemed to think was a bad sign.

“She’s fine,” I assured him. “She’s just got a lot to think about, obviously. There’s a lot on her mind.”

“Are you trying to convince me or yourself?”

I shook my head. “Look. Obviously, I don’t know what’s going on in her head, but I know that she loves me, so that’s what I’m gonna focus on.”

“And if she decides to stay with Tom? Are you going to break down again?”

I had to fight off a wave of rage at the thought. “She was only with him because she thought it would save my marriage. Now that she knows it was a lost cause anyway, she’s going to come back. I know it.”

"You didn't answer the question. Will you crawl back into a bottle if she decides to stay-"

"She won't!"

"You can't put the whole of your mental health and wellbeing on Y/n's head! It's not healthy, it's not sane. It's the epitome of toxicity, man!”

I rolled my eyes. “I’m not tryin’ to be toxic; I just don’t wanna think about her leavin’ again! Is that so wrong?”

Jared sighed and shook his head. He looked like he was sad for me. “No. No, man, it isn’t wrong. I know you just want to be happy again.” He patted me on the back and headed toward the door.

I went home and sat on the couch, kicking my feet up on the coffee table and pulling out my phone. I took a deep breath and pulled up Dee’s contact page, running my hand down my face before calling her cell.

“Yeah?” Her voice was cold as she answered.

“Hey, uh, hey, Dee. I know you’re mad at me an’ all, but I was wondering if I could talk to the kids.”

“How would you know how I feel about you, Jensen? You haven’t called in weeks.”

“Well, the tone of your voice says a lot.”

“The tone of my voice says my husband is only calling because Y/n is back in Vancouver, and his sanity is restored enough to remember he has a family.”

I clenched my jaw and closed my eyes, forcing myself not to snap at her. “Y/n has nothing to do with this. I just miss JJ and the twins, and I figured you wouldn’t keep me from talkin’ to them. Was I wrong in that assumption?”

There was a long moment of silence before she sighed. “No. You weren’t wrong. The kids miss you too. Let me go get them.”

I waited silently for a few moments as she grabbed the kids.

“Hey, daddy,” JJ’s voice came through the phone.

“Hey, Jay Bird. How’ve you been, baby?”

“I’ve been okay. Mom bought me a laser tag game, and we’ve been running all around the house and playing.”

“Oh, that’s really cool! I wish I could play laser tag, but I gotta work all day.”

“You get to play pretend guns with Jared!”

I chuckled, a smile coming to my face. “You are very right. I do get to play pretend with Jared. Lasers are more fun than blank bullets, though.”

“Lasers are a lot of fun! Maybe when you come home, we can play!”

I held back the urge to sigh sadly. “I mean…yeah, maybe.”

“Will you be home soon?”

I scratched at my neck and shook my head. “No, I won’t. I won’t be home for a while or…maybe ever.”

“What?”

“Mommy hasn’t talked to you about this?” I figured Dee would’ve been talking shit about me to everyone she could.

“No. Mommy just said things were changing.”

“Um…Mommy and I…we, uh…we’re not going to live together anymore.”

“Why?” she exclaimed, and I swallowed down my emotions at the sound of her sadness.

“It’s really complicated. But Mommy and I still love you and the twins very much, and nothing will ever change that.”

“But you’re never coming home.”

“I’ll come back to Austin, baby, but I’m not gonna live in the house with you guys.” I didn’t want to have this conversation over the phone…or ever, really. "You're gonna have a home with Mommy and a home with me.

“Why?”

“Because Mommy is mad at me and I’m not… thrilled with her and-”

“But you love Mommy!”

I sighed and ran my hand through my hair. “Of course I do, but…Mommy took something really important away from me, and I can’t…can’t get over it, okay? Hey, how are the twins? You teach ‘em anything new since I been gone?” I asked to change the subject.

JJ went on a tangent about teaching the twins a new game which was basically Hide and Seek with extra steps, and I smiled as I listened to her. When my doorknob started jiggling, I got off the phone and stood up, heading for the bar. Only one person had my key at that point. “What’s up, Padalecki? Wanna beer?”

“I told her to pick you,” he said, stepping into the hallway and kicking the door closed. I couldn’t help the smile as I pulled out two Cowboys. “Don’t look at me like that. I didn’t do it for you.”

“Yeah? Why’d you do it, then?” I handed him a beer and leaned against the doorway into the kitchen.

“I did it for her. Tom is an asshole, and she deserves better, and despite the way you’ve been acting to Dee since you met her, you are a lot better than him. You were singularly focused on her, and you wanted her to be happy and healthy, and he wanted her to be someone completely different.”

“Hmm. I thought he ‘wasn’t so bad’. I thought he was doing better, and he’s-”

“Shut up. I was trying to support her decision to date him and keep you from worrying about her, but he’s a douchebag, and I don’t like him.” He took a drink and shook his head. “She’s gotten so much worse since she left for Atlanta…and so have you. I need you to do the right thing here.’

“Okay? So, what is the ‘right thing’?”

He sighed hard and licked his lips. “Jensen, you have to stop drinking. You have to focus on the job and doing the right thing for your family….and you can’t let your mental health and obsession with Y/n destroy her.”

"I'm not obsessed. I'm in love."

"Doesn’t seem like you know the difference anymore, dude. You can't put so much of yourself in her hands. She doesn't deserve that pressure."

He wasn't wrong.

It's not like I was trying to put that kind of pressure on her; I just didn't know how to be okay without her. After Jared left, I spent an hour lying on my bed, staring at the ceiling, wondering how I ended up so lost. Y/n wasn’t the kind of person that you would think I would lose my mind over. So, what was it about her that made me feel like this? Act like this?

It got me thinking about Tom, too. He’d fallen deep for Y/n. I wouldn't be shocked to hear he'd been looking at rings, planning out the perfect proposal. It'd be public, lavish, and grand in a way that was utterly undeniable. She would never be able to say 'no' to him. Thank God she was coming back to me.

The idea of her getting stuck with him made my stomach sick. She was too good for him. Oh, yeah, his fans might not have thought so, but they didn't know that he was a controlling prick. What kind of guy takes over a woman's life like that?

Like, I never took over Dee’s life. She was always her own woman. Independence is part of what made the open relationship work.

I missed her.

I missed having my family and my home with Dee. I wanted to go back in time to when I had both of them. Things were so much simpler before everything got messed up.

That night, I dreamed of Dee. I dreamed of her smiling brightly at me and laughing at me in our bed…and then I dreamed of Y/n. Her smile was just as bright. I’m not lying when I say I woke up unhappy and confused. I drove into work, debating calling Dee again. When I got to work, I let my inner turmoil out on Jared.

“You should. Fuck, you should definitely talk to Dee!”

“Make up your mind, man! Do you want me with Y/n or not?!” I exploded as quietly as I could.

“I’m not saying you should call her up and beg forgiveness and try to save your marriage. You lost that battle weeks ago, but that doesn’t mean you guys have to hate each other! You guys need to play nice, for the kids’ sake.”

“I haven’t been playing mean.”

“You are the most indecisive, infuriating person sometimes!” he exclaimed before walking away.

I wasn’t indecisive. I knew exactly what I wanted, and that was Y/n. It wasn’t like I was going to try to get Dee back. She caused me too much pain. She caused Y/n to find solace in Tom and that was unforgivable. At least, it was unforgivable in that moment.

When Y/n walked on set, she was almost limping, at least emotionally. She looked like crap, despite the wonderful job our makeup department did to hide it. I approached cautiously, hoping I wasn’t the reason she had redness in her eyes.

“You okay?”

She swallowed and looked away from me. “I broke up with Tom.”

I could have flown at that moment, powered only by the pure elation that shot through me. I think I hid it pretty well, though. I am an okay actor. “Really? Jared said you were probably gonna wait until Tom was back in town so you could do it face to face. What changed?”

“Yeah. That was my plan, but then he blew up my phone with a bunch of…” She shook her head and sniffled. “It doesn’t really matter why. It’s over. But that’s not an invitation, Jay.”

I nodded. Jared and Y/n were adamant about waiting, so I was prepared to respect that. “I know.”

She cleared her throat and looked up at me. “Anyway, we have work to focus on. Dean and Tara becomes canon today.”

“Yes, it does. Come on, Baby Girl. Let’s get to work.”

She seemed thankful for the work and Richard seemed crazy excited to work on the episode. He kept calling the scene “The most important scene of the episode”, even shouting it out as we got our blocking and readied everything. I checked with Y/n a few times before we started the scene, making sure she was okay and that we were going to be okay, and she seemed fine, so I got up on the Library Stage and sat on the table behind her.

I took a deep breath and put my foot up on the chair beside me. Richard called us to action. I bit my bottom lip as I watched Y/n stacking Tara’s spell components into a large copper bowl. “Ya know, it seems like you keep saving my life,” I said. Y/n twitched a bit, but didn’t turn her attention away from the bowl. “Why? Huh? It’s not like we got anything on you. We don’t have any leverage or any incentive for you to keep showing up and saving our asses. It can’t just be my rugged good looks.” She took a deep breath, steadying her character for the questioning. “So, why is it that the Grand Coven’s star tutor keeps poppin’ up to save a couple hunters that have killed more than a few witches in our time?”

“Do you want to know how I ended up in with the Grand Coven, Dean?” She turned around and leaned against the table, an amazingly balanced look on her face between sadness, anger, and fear. Y/n’s such a great fucking actor. “I was orphaned when I seven. My parents were murdered by a werewolf.”

“Damn. I’m sorry,” I whispered, looking at Dean’s boots.

“Wolf would’ve gotten me too, but a hunter and his son showed up and killed it. They pulled me out of my hiding spot and took me to the hospital. I blocked out a lot, but the most vivid memories I have of that night are…” She sniffled and took a deep breath. I looked up and caught her eyes. “...the sounds my parents made when they were drowning in their own blood, the smell of gunpowder on the hunter as he picked me up and carried me out to his car, the green of his son’s eyes, the dirt brown of the leather jacket the boy wrapped me in while we were on the way to the hospital, and the rumbling of a Chevy engine so loud I couldn’t hear my own sobbing.”

I let my jaw drop a bit, astonishment falling over my expression. Dean would have wanted to say something, but the script said she kept telling her story, so I kept quiet. “Olivette was exceptional at one thing: sensing potential. She saw me in that hospital and she knew. She just knew that she had to take me and teach me, or she was going to be dealing with a very motivated hunter in fifteen years. So she adopted me, made me a witch, swayed me from the path I was going down…and then forgot about me. She found something better to do. That’s why I had to make a deal with Rowena to even finish my learning.” She scoffed and looked away toward the map table. “But I don’t have to be a hunter to save people. I can keep the people alive that have the skills to be a hunter. I can prevent other people from going through what I went through if I keep you alive…and that’s just as good, right?”

I waited a beat, seeing Rich out of the corner of my eye as I nodded once. “Ninja Turtles,” I said, finally.

“What?” she almost snapped the word in Tara’s confusion.

I smiled. “I let you wear my jacket that night because all you had on were these thing Ninja Turtles pajamas.”

She nodded, sad and wistful. “Donatello. He was always my favorite…but those PJs got taken from me at the first foster home I was sent to. Mister thought girls aren’t supposed to like Ninja Turtles.”

I stood from the table and stepped in front of her, waiting a moment as the cameraman readjusted the shot. “Tara, why the hell didn’t you say anything?”

She looked at her feet, a shyness that I recognized as being a pure Y/n emotion taking over her. “I wanted you to trust me based on my merits, not because you pity me.”

I took another step closer to her, shaking my head in disbelief. “Tara, I do not pity you.”

She scoffed and refused to look me in the eyes. “Well, you don’t really like me either, do you? You don’t hide how you feel about witches, Dean, and-”

I reached forward and grabbed her head, pulling her into a kiss that I was far too eager for. She made an adorable, forced squeaky noise that was supposed to make it seem like she was surprised about it, but she melted far too quickly to maintain that image.

“Cut!” Richard shouted, jumping up from his chair and rushing over to us. He gave a disappointed look to Y/n and shook his head. “I’m going to need you to look a bit more shocked about that kiss.”

“What?” She obviously couldn’t believe what Rich was saying.

“Look, you’ve obviously been preparing for the kiss. Of course you have. It’s a kiss with Ackles. You didn’t want to embarrass yourself, I get it, and I can tell that you enjoyed yourself, but Tara hasn’t prepared. She’s completely off-guard. Dean Winchester is kissing her! She’s shocked, so you have to be shocked. Then you can enjoy yourself.”

Always the type to take criticism to heart, Y/n licked her lips and made a bit of a pathetic noise. “Okay, but…I mean, I am prepared.”

“That’s why it’s called ‘acting’, sweetheart,” Richard teased and I could see a bit of fire flare in Y/n’s eyes. “Why don’t you go get a coffee while I talk to Jensen for a minute?” Y/n nodded and stomped off toward the coffee cart, trying to hide her irritation, but not doing very well. “So, you know how important this scene is, right?”

“Yeah. You’ve been going on about Dara being canon since you got the script. It’s really important.”

“Exactly. It’s game-changing for both characters. So this kiss, this sudden show of affection that kicks off the whole rest of the scene, it’s pivotal. You’ve worked a lot with Y/n, you know her a thousand percent more than I do. Do you think she can pull this off without making it look fake?”

I looked over his head at where she was standing with her back to us, ordering herself a coffee. “I think so, but…she’s nervous. She’s had a rough go of it lately, her emotions are all over the place, she’s been having panic attacks again. I just don’t know if she can let go an be shocked about something she knows is coming.”

“Okay, so…I have an idea and it might be completely outside of the realm of possibility but give me a chance here…” My eyebrows came together as he threw a look her way. “What if you distract her, I get the cameras in place, and we roll while you talk, and then you kiss her? Y/n would be shocked that Jensen is kissing her, just like Tara is supposed to be shocked that Dean is kissing her. What do you think?”

I smirked. Jensen kissing Y/n would definitely shock the hell out of her. I could definitely make her squeak and push me away by doing that shit surrounded by other people. “I think that might work. We’ll give it a go when she gets back from the coffee cart. Make sure the cameras are rolling.”

“Way to be a team player, Ackles,” he said, jumping off the stage to tell the cameraman the plan.

Y/n finished her coffee and came back to the table, pulling items out of the copper bowl and replacing them on the table to reset for the next take. I saw Rich surreptitiously get the camera in place and waited for him to nod at me before I walked over to her. “Hey, so I was thinkin’ that me, you, and Jared could all go get somethin’ to eat after we wrap tonight.” She turned to look up into my eyes and smiled. “What do you think? Black Bear or something?”

She nodded, an eagerness in her eyes that I was just so fuckin’ happy to see. “Yeah! I mean, Jared and I went to Black Bear last night, bu-”

I cut her off with a kiss. I put as much passion and longing and lust and love into that kiss as I could muster, pulling her body against mine and slipping my tongue across her lips. Her eyes went wide and she tried to pull back from me but I wouldn’t let her. I dropped my hand to her hip and pulled her even closer. She couldn’t fight it after that and she melted, closing her eyes and wrapping her arms around my neck. It was exactly what Richard needed, and exactly what I wanted.

I stepped back, keeping my hands on her hips as I smirked and looked at Rich. “You guys got that, right?”

“Yep! If she can’t get her shit together for the next few takes, we can cut that one into the footage.”

She playfully slapped me in my chest and scoffed. “You jerk!”

I laughed, reaching up to grab her hand before she could ‘attack’ me again. “Hey, it wasn’t my idea! It was Rich’s, and it worked, didn’t it? You were shocked.”

She nodded and bit her bottom lip. “Yes, I guess…I was very…shocked.”

We tried a few more takes of that scene but none of them came out any better than the one we tricked her into. I honestly didn’t think any of them would come close. Richard excitedly sent all of the non-essential crew off so that we could be comfortable with our upcoming sex scene. Of course, neither of us were going to be comfortable. We were bound to be hot, hard, and frustrated by the end of the day, and ya know what? I hadn’t looked forward to anything that much in a long time.

“Okay, so we’re going straight from the kiss to the push onto the table, everything clatters to the ground, neither of you cares. There’s heavy breathing, heavy petting, Dean rips Tara’s blouse off, she pulls his shirt off over his head. There’s more kissing and the fun thrusting motions. You guys wanna run through it without the camera to see if everything clicks or do you just wanna go for it?”

I smirked and stepped up in front of her as Rich sat in his chair. “I think we got this.”

She gave a shy look but stepped closer to me. “We do.” She wrapped her arms around my neck and looked up into my eyes.

“You ready?” I whispered as quietly as possible and she gave a little nod. “We’ll be fine.”

“Action!”

I launched into the scene, kissing her hard and pushing her backward into the table, sweeping the ingredients away to hit the ground on the other side. I used my body to press her into the wood of the table, only pulling back to breathe and kiss my way down her jaw. It was almost like we were alone when she started moaning so it took me a minute to remember that I wasn’t just supposed to be groping her, I was supposed to be ripping open that light blue blouse and making a show of getting her all worked up.

I leaned back just enough to get my hands on the fabric and wrench it open in both directions. A few buttons flew through the air at the camera, which was unintentional, but would be cinematically awesome if the cameraman caught it. Y/n gasped loudly, but managed to keep in character as I started kissing down her body. “Dean! What are you doing?”

I pushed up on my arms and looked down at her, smirking. “Do you really need to ask, sweetheart?” I kissed her before she could answer, just as scripted, and she pushed me back to grab the black shirt I was wearing and hastily pull it over my head. She tossed it aimlessly and it got caught on one of the bookshelves. She reached out to run her fingernails lightly across my chest and I almost hissed when she scratched across my nipples. By the look in her eyes, I knew she was getting back at me for groping her in exactly the right way to get her hot and bothered.

It didn’t take long for me to be in the exact same state of mind as she was. She managed to only let out a few moans and an in-character “Oh, my gods” as she clung to the edge of the table for dear fucking life while I dry-humped her in front of half a dozen of our friends and colleagues. I started thinking about taking her back to my trailer and sinking deep into her, which did nothing to help how horny I was feeling.

“Cut!” Rich interrupted and I went stock-still. I took a deep breath to steady myself and avoided looking at Y/n’s chest.

“Hey, could we get a minute?!” I called out as the cameraman stepped back from us and Y/n dug her teeth into her bottom lip.

“Sure. That was pretty intense. I’ll let you guys have a break. Grab a snack and be back in twenty minutes!” Richard yelled.

I waited for everyone to disperse before grabbing her wrist and sliding her off the table. “My trailer.” I wanted nothing more than to fuck her again, to feel her warm and wet around my cock, but she whined that we couldn’t and told me ‘no’ as I pulled her toward the lot so I had to change tact. I couldn’t fuck her. I couldn’t feel her. But I could watch her. I could hear her.

I pulled open the trailer door and let go of her hand as I walked over to my couch. “I know we can’t have sex, Y/n. But…I really need to rub one out and I get the feeling you probably do, too. I figured, we can’t touch each other, but who says mutual masturbation’s against the rules?”

I could see that she wanted to argue with me. She wanted to tell me that it was a bad idea, that we were going to get caught, that it wasn’t sanctioned, but I knew she wanted it too. She needed it too. She sat in my recliner and fiddled with the button on her jeans. I couldn’t see her well enough, so I kicked my foot out and turned the seat, lightly complaining that I couldn’t see her. We both pulled out pants down to our knees and went to work.

I’m almost embarrassed to admit how fast I nutted. Usually, I’d hold off for a bit. It’s more fun if you don’t just…give in and make it happen, but we were on a time crunch, and it was all a bit too much. Between the way she was staring at me, the noises she was making, the way her hand was moving so furiously between her thighs, I couldn’t stop the inevitable. I didn’t really want to, honestly.

I jumped up and grabbed a rag from the bathroom, cleaning the cum off my hand and arm before fixing my clothes and walking over to watch the show up close. I wanted to help so badly, just reach out and bury a couple fingers in her, press the spot I knew would make squeal. But I knew I couldn’t touch her.

I could use my other talents, though.

“Are ya havin’ a bit of trouble getting there?”

She whined and shook her head in exasperation. “It’s not as easy for a woman, Jay,” she complained.

I shrugged a bit and leaned a little closer. “I’m not so sure about that. I always got you there pretty fast, Baby Girl. You remember the first time I did it, in the cab?” I could hear her swallow. “Think about how easy it was for just these…two…fingers to get you off.” I was very deliberate about my wording and cadence and I could see her own fingers falter a bit as she whimpered. “You remember those noises you made? You ever make yourself make that noise, Y/n, or is it just me?”

I could tell it was working, that she was almost there, so I decided it was time for the final blow. “Oh, sweetheart, I cannot wait to get inside you again. I have had dreams about the way your pussy feels like hot velvet around me, how you taste like fuckin’ Heaven, the way you dig your heels into the small of my back when I-”

I’ve never loved being interrupted as much as I loved her moaning my name as she came hard and practically melted into my recliner in the afterglow. I smiled as I walked over and grabbed her a bottle of water from the fridge. “I didn’t even have to touch you to get you off.”

“Don’t sound so proud of yourself,” she tried to snap but it did nothing to dim my mood.

“How can I not be proud of that spectacle? Now, get hydrated. We gotta run that scene several more times.”

She looked distraught for a moment and then groaned. I couldn’t help but laugh. She downed the water and we headed back to set. Everything seemed a lot fucking better after that. Things were going to be okay.

#cassie writes stuff #spn rpf #jensen x reader #mutual masturbation #angst

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crashdevlin · 9 months

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The Kitchen Sink Tags- @flamencodiva @sacriceria @lyarr24 @440mxs-wife @nancymcl @mariekoukie6661 @alwayskeepfightingsweetheart @cosicas-cuquis @queenoftheunderdark @myheartbelongsintz @squirrelnotsam @akshi8278 @muhahaha303 @agirlwithdemonblood @this-is-me19 @mrswhozeewhatsis @leigh70 @maliburenee @deans-spinster-witch

Remembering

Author’s Note: This is part Thirty-two of The Best Laid Plans series

Summary: John helps Y/n call upon the only beings powerful enough to help her.

Pairing: none

Word count: 4116

Story Warnings: angst...A/B/O dynamics, canon divergence, reader illness, reader amnesia, memories of non-con, memories of abuse

~~~

“What are we doing?” you asked, shaking your head as you watched John Winchester dig a hole in your back garden with his hands.

“You need to take the drachma out of the necklace,” he instructed, absentmindedly gesturing toward you with his dirt-covered left hand.

“But why?” It seemed like complete nonsense to you. Why was he digging a hole and why did he need your special drachma? You pulled the necklace off and unclipped the glass case holding the coin anyway, dropping the silver into your palm and looking over at him.

“The drachma was a gift to you from Hades and Persephone. I figure a pagan god might be able to either get your memories back or find a way to get Dean back.”

You looked at him for a minute, blinking slowly as the words sank in. “Hades and Persephone?”

He nodded, still not looking at you as he piled soil to the side of the hole. “Yeah, yeah, it’s a long story, but they saved you from Hell when you sold your soul for Dean. They’re the reason you got your first second chance.” He stood, wiping his hands on his jeans as he turned to you. “You just need to bury it. Hades should show up.”

“Are-are you sure?” You rubbed the coin between your fingers, fear falling over you. “I have had this almost all of my life. I don’t want to mess it up or-”

“Dirt won’t hurt it…and calling on them didn’t do any damage last time you did it,” John assured you, covering your hand with his own and looking down into your eyes. “I promise that it’s going to be okay.”

“Oh…okay.” You nodded and stepped away from him, toward the hole. You took a steadying breath as you dropped the coin into the spot and swept dirt over it.

“It has been far too long, louloudi mou.” You gasped at the deep voice with the slightly Greek accent and twisted. He was tall and well-muscled with a thick, dark beard, dressed in a deep blue hoodie and jeans. His presence was overwhelmingly alpha and yet…comforting in the strangest way. Hades’ eyes moved from you to John and back. "You have no sign of recognition. Do you not know me, Y/n?"

"I'm sorry." You shook your head. "I...I guess, um, my memories were altered?" You looked to John for support as the larger alpha's eyebrows rose.

“Death went digging in her brain,” John answered for you. “He was trying to give her a fresh start, which he did, but it wasn’t worth it.”

Hades sighed and reached out to touch your shoulder. Part of you wanted to flinch away from the touch, as he was a stranger to you, but the comfort in his presence made you stay stalwart. “Y/n. All that was you has been taken?”

There was so much concern and caring in his words and in his eyes that you felt yourself calming down completely. “Not…not all of me…I don’t think?”

“She’s still in there. Her memories have just been hidden, buried under a lifetime of false ones.” John cleared his throat as he stepped closer to Hades. “She’s shown that she’s still there, and she can still fight, and she’s…”

“She’s sick.” The god’s head tilted as he examined you. “There is disease in your loins.” The fear flooded back for a minute, but then his hand tightened its grip on your shoulder. “Louloudi mou, you have been through so much. Do you truly want to remember it all?”

You swallowed thickly and nodded. “I’m not right. I’m not me. I need to be me so that I can get Dean back.”

“You do not remember Dean. Why do you feel you need to get him…back?”

You cleared your throat and let out a shaky breath. “He’s in Purgatory. He’s living in fear and pain. I can feel it.”

“She’s been dreamin’ of him since she’s been-”

“Dreaming of both of them,” you interrupted.

“You are connected to them, yes. You would be dreaming of them. It is inevitable.” Hades nodded and stepped back. “If you have called upon me to mine the memories out of the mountain of falsities the Horseman created, I fear I will be forced to disappoint you. This is beyond my capabilities.”

“What about Mnemosyne?” you asked, a bit desperately. “Can you just try and get her to-”

“Ah. You haven’t forgotten your lore, then?” The god smiled and nodded. “I can call upon Mnemosyne. The Titanis is a bit inconsistent and there is no guarantee of her acquiescence to the request. In fact, she might be more apt to agree if Persephone were to ask,” he said thoughtfully.

“And if she won’t help…can you, at least, help us get Dean out of Purgatory?” John asked.

Hades didn’t even look at him; his eyes focused on you entirely as he gave a singular nod. “Yes. I will get your mate back.”

“He’s not my-” you began, and Hades laughed. It was loud and stopped you in your tracks.

“You are, indeed, still in there, Y/n, because that is the same lie you used to tell me in the Underworld. I will return, hopefully with the assistance you require.”

He disappeared in an instant, leaving you staring at an empty garden. You turned to John and let out a shaky sigh. "So…what now?"

He smiled. "Now, we have a beer and wait."

You nodded and dropped to your knees to get the drachma back. "I have beer…but I think whiskey might suit the situation better."

John chuckled, heading inside. “There’s a hunter in you, after all.”

“Bottle’s above the fridge!” you called as you wiped the drachma on your pants and held it up to ensure you’d gotten all the dirt off it. You slipped the coin back into the necklace and sighed. Why was everything so crazy all of a sudden? You licked your lips as you walked into your home to see John pouring two glasses of whiskey. “Make it a double.”

“Of course,” he said, pouring more into both glasses.

~~~

“So I was in a relationship with Dean?” you asked.

John shrugged. “A bit.”

“What does that mean?” you asked, a bit miffed at the evasive answer.

Before he downed the rest of his whiskey, he seemed to contemplate which words to use. “You were in love. For years, you were both in love. Everyone could see it, but Dean was so scared that he would hurt you, and you were so tired of being treated like you were…disposable?”

“What?” You shook your head, not understanding. “What do you mean, ‘disposable’?”

John ran his hand down his face and sighed. “Look, you guys loved each other. You slept with all of us…mostly from necessity, but you were in love with Dean. And you-”

“Why would Death take me and make me into someone else?” you interrupted, sipping at your drink.

“You…weren’t happy.” He cleared his throat. “Things with Dean were rocky. Sam was a bit of an issue…always.”

Your eyebrows came together. “Why was Sam an issue? Sam was my best friend before he went off to Stanford.”

John hesitated, avoiding your eyes by looking at his lap. “Sam lost his mind a bit a few years ago. He hurt you.”

“Hurt me, how?” you pressed.

He sighed and you got the feeling he didn’t really want to go into detail for you. “It’s very complicated, Y/n. There are alternate timelines and death and resurrection and a nasty little demon bitch that got Sam addicted to her blood and-”

“Her blood?” The very idea of someone consuming demon blood in any manner was shocking.

John nodded. “Yeah.” He looked up and cleared his throat. “Do you really wanna know all this? Or do you wanna wait until your memories are fixed?”

You shrugged. Part of you wanted to know, but part of you wanted to keep the bliss of ignorance a little bit longer. “It was that bad, huh?”

“Bad enough that you wanted to forget half of your life to get rid of it.”

You couldn’t imagine what sweet Sammy had done that was so horrible. You couldn’t imagine him hurting you at all. “Yeah. I’m…not sure I want to know yet.”

“I would always choose to know, agapite mou. Knowledge is the only way to move forth,” a sweet, lovely voice said.

You turned to look up at the most beautiful woman you’d ever laid eyes upon, standing next to Hades and a large blonde woman. You stood, feeling warmth in your heart as you gazed up at the brunette. “Persephone?”

“I wish that were not a guess, dear girl,” Persephone said, smiling sadly as she walked forward. “But my cousin has graciously agreed to work her wonders on you.”

The blonde stepped forward as John stood, a coldness in her stance and voice. “Are you worth this?”

“Mnemosyne.” Hades’ voice was a warning.

She rolled her eyes and gestured at the chair you vacated before walking over to stand behind it. Persephone nodded in encouragement and smiled at you, so you sat down.

“Is this gonna be safe?” John asked.

“Is safety something you take stock in, asudden?” Hades asked.

“Point taken.”

Hands covered your eyes, taking your vision with darkness.

~~~

“Do you really want to know?” John’s voice echoed in your head. Opening your eyes, you found yourself in Bobby’s study, lying on the sofa. You sat up and looked over at the only other person in the room. It was John, but he looked so much younger than he did before you fell asleep. Maybe 25 years old. He looked handsome…and you weren’t sure why that didn’t upset you. “You can stay ignorant. You have the option to stay happy.”

“I’m not happy.”

“You only think that because I told you you weren’t happy. Come on. I’m a man you barely remember; a man your father told you to stay away from.”

You shook your head and stood. You could tell this wasn’t John. This was a memory or a representation. “John, or whoever you are, I might not be able to remember you, but I remember your sons. I remember Dean…and if I’m going to die soon, I need to get him back from Purgatory.”

“So you’ve got cancer. Big fucking deal. People survive the big C every day.” It was so nonchalant and cavalier. It didn’t seem right coming from him. “Why don’t you take your chances with the doctors and chemo?”

You scoffed. “No. I’m sorry, but no. Dean needs me.”

“Okay, fine. Where do you wanna start?” You turned behind you to see Sam Winchester standing in the doorway to the kitchen. He was young, too, maybe 22. He stepped away from the partition and ran his hand through his hair. “Because there’s a lot, Y/n, and I’m not just talkin’ about what we did to you. I’m talking about Hell.”

You swallowed as fear rose in you like a lava flow. “Hell?”

He nodded, a small smirk on his lips. “Hell. You know…downstairs.” Sam pointed at the floorboards. “Fire, brimstone, torture. I’m talking about a distortion of time that made it seem like hundreds of years while demons carved chunks out of you over and over with no sign of relief.” He stepped closer and the smirk turned into a sad, tight smile. “You don’t want to remember that, Y/n.”

“No. I don’t. But…”

“You have to.” Sam shook his head, his fluffy hair swaying a bit. “I get it. You don’t know who you are because you think there’s so much of you missing.”

“There is a lot-”

“Death replaced all of it. Everything he took away, he replaced, Y/n,” Sam insisted. There was an insistence in his voice, a sadness in his eyes. He seemed so much like the boy you remembered that you couldn’t help but wonder what became of him after he came back into your life. What was he hiding? “He took away your pain. He gave you a normal life. Don’t invite the pain back.”

“It’s done, Sam. I’m here. I know that I’m missing pieces. I can’t go back to pretending! So where do we start?!” you exploded. “What did you do to me, Sam Winchester? Why did I forget you?”

He sighed and dropped to the couch you woke up on, sprawling his long legs out and scratching at his head. “You know, I knew you loved my brother the moment I saw you two together. There was so much tension and neither of you would say why but I saw it. It was a few months after I got back into hunting and I was still broken up about Jessica so it didn’t feel like I was losing much when I noticed the way you looked at him in the diner.” He shook his head in exasperation. “You wouldn’t say it, because of course you wouldn’t, and Dean couldn’t see it because he thinks he’s garbage, but I saw it. And I…I ignored it. Because it only took one smell of you when you went into heat for me to remember how much your scent used to turn me on. I wanted you, Y/n, and something in me…that deep, dark, controlling, angry part of me that Azazel put in me when I was a baby…it told me I could take you.”

A flash of sickly yellow eyes went through your mind at the name ‘Azazel,’ and you gasped. Memories of torture and hellfire welled up and turned to nausea in your chest.

“Dean didn’t make it difficult, really,” Sam continued. “He practically threw you at me. You didn’t want me. You didn’t love me, but…I took you, anyway. Every chance I got.”

A quick succession of images went through your mind: you and Sam in an apple orchard, you and Sam kissing beside Dean’s hospital bed, you and Sam in the back of the Impala. You looked away at Bobby’s desk, hoping to find comfort in the stacks of books and clutter.

“But then you went to Hell. You went to Hell for Dean, and that burned me up inside, ya know? It would have been one thing if you’d just gotten killed for him. God knows we’ve had enough of that in our lives, but you, you sentenced yourself to unimaginable torture for him…and you did it with a smile on your lips because you thought he deserved to live more than you did. Dean paid it forward to me, wanted me to live because he just couldn't live with me gone." You chewed on your bottom lip and let out a huffing sigh. “You got back just in time to fail to save him, and I thought you would be mine after he went down. You should have been mine after he went down, but you fled, and you fell apart, and you left me to fall apart alone. I was alone! Of course, I wound up in a relationship with Ruby!” His words were filled with accusation and blame.

Blond hair and red lips flashed in your mind. Brown hair and pretty eyes. Blood covering Sam’s mouth. A wild look in his eyes.

A memory hit you like a Mack truck.

“You marked me!” you accused right back.

“I had to!” He jumped up, anger rolling off of him. He looked older, his body thicker and more alpha than before. “You were supposed to be mine, and you were being disrespectful by denying me!”

You scoffed at the idea that he had to mark you to make you respect his imagined claim to you. “Are you kidding me?! You bit me! I had to turn to your father to curb my heats! I-”

“You were mine! Dean was in Hell! You had no reason to deny me anymore!”

“I obviously did! You forced me to be your mate like we were back in the 17th century! Am I not a human being to you?!”

“You’re not really a human being to any of us, honestly.” You turned your attention to the kitchen where Dean Winchester was leaning against the counter, a coffee mug in his hand. “I mean, whether we love you or just want you, the Winchesters historically don’t do well with seeing you as more than just an omega.”

Your heart fell a bit as you walked toward the kitchen. “Dean, I-”

“You’re lookin’ good, Y/n…, but you’re not doin’ too good, are you?”

You swallowed. “I’m sick, but…that’s not a big deal. I’m…looking for you. I’m…”

He smiled a little and reached back to set the mug on the counter. “I appreciate it. I spent a long time looking for you before I got stuck in Purgatory, but…” He shook his head. “Baby, you don’t have to do this. I’m not worth throwing away your perfect life.”

“My life’s not perfect. I’m not happy.”

“You keep sayin’ that, but why do you trust my dad over your own heart, huh? You thought you were happy before you got sick, and he showed up, right?” Dean crossed his arms over his chest and looked across the kitchen at you. “Dad’s not any more trustworthy than Sam or me. You cut him out of your life before too.”

You swallowed thickly and chewed on your bottom lip for a second before taking a deep breath. “Why? What did John do?”

“What do you think he did? Remember what we told you about him when we were growing up. What do you think he did to you?” You looked down at the ugly tile floor. Dean’s boots entered your vision as you thought about it. The biggest complaints the boys had about their father were neglect and abuse. “So you’re going to take the word of an abusive piece of shit like John Winchester over your own emotions? You’re not that dumb, kid.”

“I knew something was missing,” you whispered. “I knew something wasn’t right. I…” You looked up, getting caught in his beautiful eyes. “He cares about me. John didn’t mean to hurt me.” You knew that in your heart.

“You know…he never meant to hurt me, either, or Sammy. But he did, didn’t he? He hurt everyone he ever came across. He left a trail of bodies a mile wide, and we just let him get away with it. Why are you so determined to be a body on the pile, Y/n?”

“It’s not for John…it’s for you.” You looked away. “Ya know what, though? John did horrible things, but he has also saved a lot of lives.” You looked back up into his eyes. “We’ve all done horrible things! We’re hunters, Dean! There’s been collateral damage, broken hearts and destroyed lives. There’s a few hundred people that probably think we’re the worst thing that ever happened to them, and that is no one’s fault. It is the nature of the job!”

“You’re making a mistake,” Sam said, forcing your attention to the study again. He was younger again, his face sad. “You can still be normal. Don’t you know what I would give to be normal, Y/n? Anything. Everything. I would sacrifice-”

“I don’t want normal; I want Dean!” you exploded.

“Your choice is made,” echoed through the house.

~~~

You gasped as your eyes snapped open. You looked across the room at John, Hades, and Persephone. Your emotions were a tempest, and you were exhausted. The trio looked hopeful, but there was little hope in your heart. Everything hurt. All of the memories that Death had so carefully hidden from your consciousness were warring at the forefront of your mind now.

“Did it work?” John asked, stepping around Hades. You nodded, not trusting yourself to speak without breaking down and bursting into tears. “Welcome back, baby girl.” He seemed to understand that it wasn’t necessarily the joyous occasion that it might have been.

“Are you well?” Hades asked, walking up and taking your hands as Mnemosyne walked around to stand beside her cousin.

You shook your head. “I’m as well as I can be…” You sniffled and chewed on your bottom lip for a moment. “I’m…me, I guess.”

“Thank God.” John rushed forward and hugged you, but you just shook your head before pushing him away lightly.

“We need to get ready to go.”

“Wait. We need to-” he started, but you stepped backward.

“We brought me back so that we could save Dean! We have to go to Purgatory!”

“Breathe, agapite mou,” Persephone said, walking over and taking your hands in hers. Every motion was meant to be calming and soothing. “You’re feeling overly emotional.”

“You asked for this, mortal. Your mind tried to shield you but you would not heed.”

You turned to glare at Mnemosyne. “I also asked for what Death did to me!” You took a deep breath and tried to calm yourself as you focused on Hades’ bearded face. “I’m sorry. I’m just…overwhelmed. I’m sorry. I asked for all of this.”

John walked forward and wrapped his arms around you. “You need to take some time and come back to yourself, darlin’.”

“No. We need to go to-”

Hades grabbed your shoulders, easily wrenching you from John’s grasp and pulling you into a tight embrace. “Listen to my wife, my girl. You need to breathe.”

You took a deep breath at his urging, resting your head against his chest as you worked to calm yourself. It wasn’t until you let out the second long exhale that you started to sob into his chest. “It’s so hard!”

Hades rubbed his hand up and down your back until you stopped crying. “Is that better, louloudi mou?”

You sniffled as you stepped back away from him. “Thank you. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to…show weakness.”

“You’re allowed to cry,” John said, stepping up.

“No. There’s so much-”

He shook his head. “There’s been some hard facts that you had to find out over the last few hours. You are allowed.”

You wiped at your eyes and sighed. “I’m fine.” You cleared your throat. “Let’s go get ready to head out.”

“We have to talk about that, actually,” John said, looking between the god and goddess of the Underworld.

A cold feeling fell over you as Hades nodded solemnly. “What?”

“Only one of us can cross into Purgatory.” Your face fell as John licked his lips. “It takes a lot of power to get there and Hades can’t take us both.”

“No.” You shook your head. It was a blow you couldn’t deal with. Only one of you heading into Purgatory? Trying to navigate that place with no support was going to be Hell. “N-no. We need-”

“I’ll go,” John volunteered. “He’s my son and I should be the one to-”

“No. Are you stupid?” you snapped. You scratched at your scalp and looked away, feeling ashamed at letting your emotions continue to be wild. “I am dying of cancer. You need to stay here and protect the people here. I will take my dying ass to somewhere worse than Hell and get your son back.”

“You don’t have to do that.”

You rolled your eyes and turned to Hades. “I’m going to grab some equipment and then you can take me.” Hades just nodded without a word, so you went into a rush to grab a camping bag, provisions, and a hunter’s toolkit that Bobby gave you. Even your other self kept a hold of that kit.

“You’re not dying,” John said when you emerged from the back of the house. He seemed resigned, not trying to keep you from going. “You’re sick, but you aren’t dying.”

“I have cancer, John,” you said, matter-of-factly. “I’m dying.” You turned to Hades and smiled tightly. “Let’s go.”

“You will survive that, just as you will survive Purgatory, louloudi mou.” You reached out and took Hades’ offered hand and the world swirled around you. A grey and brown forest appeared. “There is an exit. To the South, there is an exit, just for humans to escape Purgatory. Find Dean and take him to the door.”

You nodded, adjusting your backpack straps and looking around. “Thank you so much.”

“This land is filled with monsters, Y/n. Care for yourself.”

“I will. Thank you.”

As Hades disappeared, you took a deep breath, hoping that you could calm the intense feeling of being watched. As you looked around the trees surrounding you, you knew that feeling was going nowhere, because you were being watched by every set of eyes in Purgatory.

#self reblog for tags

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crashdevlin · 9 months

Text

Losses and Gains 6- Reunited

Author’s Note: This is the sixth chapter of Losses and Gains, the second part of To Have it All. This is Something More...from Jensen's side!

Summary: Jensen gets Y/n back in his trailer, and back in his arms, but does that mean everything's going to be okay?

Pairing: Jensen x Reader, background Reader x Tom Hiddleston

Word count: 4378

Story Warnings: open marriage, mentions of depression and heartbreak, bad things, alcohol as a crutch, anger, fighting, divorce, anxiety, panic attack

~~~

“She’s okay.” That’s all Jared had to say after he got back from lunch with Y/n on Sunday. I raised my eyebrows at him and silently demanded more information. “What?”

“That’s all? She’s okay? That’s all you have to say?”

“That’s all I feel comfortable sharing.”

I scoffed and shook my head at him. “What the fuck, dude? She’s not okay! We talked about this yesterday!”

“She’s okay enough…and even if I was willing to share, you don’t want to know what she told me.”

“Of course, I-”

Jared shook his head and patted my shoulder. “No. Listen, I talked things out with her. If things are the way she says they are, then it’s a simple fix. If it’s worse than that, then she knows what she needs to do. It’s going to be okay, either way.”

“You’re really not gonna tell me what’s wrong?”

“It’s not mine to tell. If you want to know, then make friends with her again, and maybe she’ll be okay to tell you eventually.”

I rolled my eyes and let it go. He wouldn’t tell me, so I moved on. “I don’t think I could be friends with her again. I love her, man. I don’t think I’d be able to ignore that.”

“Yeah. I understand that. You gonna be able to work with her?”

It was a valid question and I wasn’t sure of the answer, even as I responded, “Yeah, of course.”

When I got back to Vancouver, I knew I had to put on a brave face. I had to act like I had everything together…which was really fucking hard when the writers sent me the script for the episode Y/n did Second Unit shooting for a couple weeks before.

"You've gotta be fucking kidding me." I was in awe. I couldn’t even be mad about it because I was shocked…and a little bit excited that I was gonna get to kiss Y/n again, even if it was gonna be in front of a dozen people on set.

"Not just kissing, Ackles. This is a real sex scene. You haven’t done one of these since the Born Again episode." Jared flipped through the pages and sighed. "This is bad. This is gonna set you back weeks and-"

"Are you kidding me? I'm a professional, Jared. I think I can draw the line between-"

"Who do you think you're talking to right now?" He tossed the pages on the coffee table and pointed at the fresh beer in my hand. "That's your second beer and it's not even 10am and you're at work. You're a consummate professional." I set the beer next to the script and started to tell him to shut up but he kept going. "I know that you're excited about this and you're happy to pantomime getting her back in your arms but you have to end that shit right now. You have to approach this like a sex scene with any other actor, completely detached and looking out for their emotional welfare. She's gonna be in agony over this."

That took me aback for a minute. "Agony?"

"First off, this is gonna be her first sex scene…and it's with an ex. Not just any ex, but the one she can't tell people is an ex. So she has no one but me and Tom to complain to. Beyond that, she's still in love with you and she remembers exactly how you really are in the sack and she's probably missing that about now and she can't have it because she's with the gentleman bastard. And you think you should come in and act like everything is good?"

"Since when have I been acting like everything is good?" I snapped. "Like you said, it's not even 10 and I'm on my second beer. I'm not expecting everything to be magically better since Tara and Dean are gonna fuck, but maybe, just maybe Y/n will talk to me since we have to work together. Maybe we can start making things better. And in the very least, I get to kiss her again. I get to hold her again. I get to feel just a bit like things are going to be okay…and that’s all I want."

“Dude, detach. Things are not going to be better. Not now, not in a few months. You need to act like everything is over because it is. Move on. Don’t make this harder for her than it already is.”

Why was it about her and not me? Why did I have to tippy-toe around her emotions when I was feeling shit, too? Why did I have to fucking detach?!

I seethed a bit as Jared left, knowing that he was ultimately right, but still hating to hear it. I needed to be calm and cold and not show how I was feeling. It was better that way. It was better for both of us.

So when she knocked on my trailer door and came in, looking shaky and nervous, I locked my emotions away as best I could and welcomed her back.

“Did you get Wednesday’s pages?” she asked, looking around the trailer.

I nodded. “Yeah.”

She leaned against my counter, careful to keep her eyes anywhere but my face. “So, how, uh…how do we-”

“We follow the script,” I interrupted. “Just like every other scene we’ve ever done. You’ll be Tara and I’m gonna be Dean and they’re gonna share a messy first kiss and then Dean is gonna fuck Tara on one of the tables in the Men of Letter Library and then I’ll come back here and you’ll probably go back to your hotel and call up your boyfriend.”

Well, cold and detached didn’t last long.

Her eyes glistened as she looked up at me and she started to say my name but I cut her off again. “Y/n, look, I know this probably isn’t any easier for you than it is for me, but I…I really fuckin’ miss you and the fact that you are standing right there in front of me and I can’t-” I convinced myself to shut up, reminding myself that my emotions were not important in this moment. “At least he treats you well. That grand declaration of love on Facebook…something I could never do.”

“I didn’t want him to,” she asserted weakly. “I told him not to do that.”

I rolled my eyes. “Well, that’s fuckin’ nice. The man ignores simple requests.”

“Come on, Jay, don’t be-”

I put my hand up, a finger raised to get her quiet. “Don’t call me that. We’re just coworkers now. I’m fighting calling you ‘Baby Girl’ so you’re gonna respect my efforts and call me ‘Jensen’.”

Fuck, I didn’t mean to make her cry. I didn’t mean to snap like that. “Jensen, please. You can’t tell me that you don’t understand,” she begged.

“I understand. I understand just fine.” And I did. I completely understood exactly how I managed to get to that moment in time. “But it doesn’t make any of it hurt less. It doesn’t matter that you saw the end of my marriage rapidly approaching because I couldn’t get you out of my head and you distanced yourself for my family’s good. It doesn’t matter that Tom capitalized on that distance the moment you created it.”

I don’t know what came over me, just trying to get the honesty out, maybe. Maybe I was just trying to rail against Jared’s decree about detachment. “What matters is that I haven’t talked to you in months, but I still pick up my phone to call you after we wrap every night. What matters is that you left that bottle of your perfume in the bathroom and I can’t bring myself to throw it away because the pillows on your side of the bed don’t smell right if they don’t smell like CK Eternity. What matters is that I’m so in love with you that it hurts and you saw that, saw how I feel, and you left so that I wouldn’t fuck up my life over you…”

I could see the pain in her eyes as I reached out to cup her cheek. “All of that just makes me love you more.”

She closed her eyes but she didn’t move away. She leaned just a little closer. “You can’t,” she whispered.

I pulled her closer to me, hand on the back of her neck. “Shit, that doesn’t change a thing. Baby Girl, your protests don’t change a goddamn thing.”

She gave a full-body shiver but then she pulled away. It was like she didn’t really want to pull away but she felt like she had to, so I put my hand on her hip and pulled her back again. Gently, not aggressively, not in a bad way, just in a ‘please don’t leave me’ kinda way. Her eyes snapped open and she looked me dead in mine as she pushed me away just enough to get her point across. “Jensen…I can’t. I’m not that woman.”

I knew exactly what she meant. She couldn’t cheat on Tom…and she didn’t want to hurt me, either. So I let her go and stepped away from her. “I know. It’s part of why I love you. You’re too damn good for me. But you’re also too good for fuckin’ Loki.”

She wiped her tears away and shrugged, sniffling. “I don’t know about that. There’s a lot of people on Twitter who seem to think I’m not good enough for him…if the death threats are any indication. I mean, Tom’s got some rabid fans…but I’m sure they’re not as bad as our fans would be if they found out-”

“That Danneel is divorcing me?” I finished…even though I know that’s not what she was planning to say. I couldn’t help but laugh at the shock and confusion on her face. I picked up my warm beer from earlier in the day and took a drink. “Yeah. It’s not official, but Gino said she’s talking to lawyers.”

“No!” she shouted and slammed her fist down on the counter. My eyebrows went up as she grabbed her wrist. “No, you have to fix it! I did not walk away so that you could still fuck it up!” Seriously?! She’s blaming it all on me? “You love her! You love her and you love your kids and you just have to get over this stupid other feeling-”

“My feelings are stupid, now?” I demanded, offended to my bones but somehow…excited to be having an honest conversation with her about everything.

“That feeling is! You feeling like you think you’re in love with me is stupid! You…” She looked lost and frustrated as she threw her hands in the air. “Go to counseling! Go see a fucking shrink! Go fucking fix it! Fix! It!” she demanded.

“We fucking were! We’ve spent months talking to a shrink. Ever since you left, we’ve been trying. It hasn’t worked!”

“Try harder!” She scoffed at me and I could see it. She wasn’t mad at me. She was regretting it. She was regretting leaving because it didn’t stop the end that she was trying to stop. “Three months isn’t enough! Between the show and the cons and everything, it’s not enough time. Try to-”

“I don’t want to!” I admitted, tossing my beer at the floor. I didn’t want to drink anymore. The desire was fucking gone in that moment. I just wanted Y/n. “I’m tired of trying to not love you. I tried! I really did. Everyone told me to stop and I tried but I’m fucking exhausted and I can’t fuckin’ do it. It fucked my family, but I can’t stop how I feel.”

Everything stopped. We were both breathing heavy. My heart was pounding, I’m sure hers was too. But neither of us moved for a few moments. We just stared at each other, shoes and legs covered in beer…and something in the air said this was one of those pivotal moments. This was a moment where literally everything could change if we let it.

Finally, she broke the moment. “Fuck, Jay,” she whispered, covering her mouth with her hand and looking away from me.

“I know…” I started, but I bit my bottom lip to give myself a minute to think. I had one chance. I had one opportunity to make this work. “I know that you’re with Tom. I know he loves you. I’ve spent…months wanting you to not love him, but I saw you on Colbert and you looked so happy, but when you talk to Jared…”

She stepped closer to me, regret etched across her face, and she wrapped me in a hug. “I’m so sorry, Jay.”

I wrapped my arms around her, excited that she initiated the embrace. “You got nothing to be sorry for, Baby Girl.”

“No. I do. If I’d never come here, you wouldn’t be in this situation. Everything would-”

“No, no, hey. Never say that. If you hadn’t come here, you’d be in a worse-”

“I’d be depressed, but you wouldn’t be. It’d just be me sad and you’d still be happily-”

I kissed her before she could finish that thought. She was regretting everything, which meant she was regretting Tom. She was back in my arms. It seemed like the right way to move forward. It seemed like the best way to get both of us happy. Her hands went to my hair. Mine went to the back of her thighs. I hauled her up so her legs wrapped around my waist and I held her close as we kissed. My hands roamed her body as I walked her to the bedroom. It was almost like I was on autopilot. She was making these breathy little noises and she was grabbing at me and it was like things were the way they used to be.

We found the bed and dropped to it, still kissing. I wasn’t going to waste any opportunity, and I was gonna go as far as she’d let me…and as fast as possible before she realized we might be making a mistake. I didn’t want either of us to focus on the mistake. I wanted to focus on the way her skin tasted, the way she whimpered when I started inching my hand up under her shirt, and the feel of her lace bra under my fingertips. God, and I wanted to feel the matching lace underwear I knew she was hiding in her jeans, but she stopped me as soon as I went to unzip them. I can’t even lie and say I wasn’t disappointed at her cockblocking, but I understood.

“I’m sorry. I swear I’m not trying to be a tease, Jay, but I can’t.”

“I get it. You don’t wanna do to Tom what Nate did to you.” I rolled off of her, staring at the ceiling and willing the discomfort in my pants to go away. More than that, I was willing for this to be the start of a new chapter of us. I had her back. She was literally lying in my arms. She was nestling in close to me. As long as she didn’t go back to Tom, everything was going to be okay.

“I’m sorry that everything is so messy,” she whispered, half into my chest.

I kissed the top of her head. “It’s okay. I can handle it. I can handle any mess, as long as I’ve got you.”

She hugged me a little bit tighter and sighed, the adrenaline falling and exhaustion taking over.

As long as I had her…

~~~

My trailer door opened about fifteen minutes later and I slowly extracted myself from Y/n’s embrace. She looked so peaceful and I was happy that I could get up without waking her. The bedroom door opened up and Jared’s eyes zipped from me to Y/n. I didn’t want him waking her up, either, so I put a finger to my lips and pointed toward the living room. He took the hint and I followed him, closing the door as softly as possible and turning to him.

“What did you do?” he whispered, pointing at the door.

“Nothing! I didn’t do anything!”

“Bullshit! What the fuck, Ackles?”

I rolled my eyes. “Don’t give me that. She came here of her own accord, she talked to me of her own accord. I tried the detached and cold thing but it didn’t fucking work.”

“And how’d she end up in your fucking bed?”

“We didn’t do anything. She’s not a cheater.”

“That doesn’t answer the damn question. How did she-”

“It just happened. We were talking and we both admitted to some regrets. I told her that Dee was divorcing me. She said she never wanted to cause anybody any harm and…we kissed and we ended up in the bedroom but nothing happened and she fell asleep, okay?”

“It’s asking for fucking trouble.”

“Jesus, Padalecki, Danneel’s already leaving me. What more trouble could she give me?”

“She could take everything. She could take the house, the kids, the brewery; she could take your good fuckin’ clubs, Jensen, just for spite.”

“She can have ‘em!” I snapped in a whisper before processing all of what he said. “Well, not the kids, but anything else she wants to use against me? She can have it. I lost Y/n once already. I’m not letting it happen again.”

He sighed. “What about Tom?” I rolled my eyes and opened my mouth to respond with a well-thought-out “Fuck Tom” but Jared continued. “Hey, we may not like the guy, but she has a boyfriend.”

“And that’s the only reason why she’s still got clothes on right now; because she wanted it just as much as me, dude, and as soon as she breaks up with him and it’s not cheating anymore, I’m gonna make her scream and I do not give a damn who hears it.”

“You idiot. Danneel hasn’t even filed yet. You can’t start fucking another woman when she hasn’t filed, because then she can list infidelity as the reason for filing.”

“You say that like I give a fuck about the money. I don’t.”

“You should,” Y/n said as she stepped out of the bedroom.

I smiled at her, hoping she’d smile back, but she didn’t. “Hey, Baby Girl. How was your nap?”

“You should care about the money, Jay. Because even if she doesn’t hit you for everything, the judge is probably going to-”

I shook my head. Already back to worrying about me. “You don’t need to worry about any-”

“Jensen, of the three of us in this room, only one of us has been through a divorce. I have specific, sad expertise about this, so let me help you see things correctly.” Jared smirked as she walked over to the fridge a grabbed a bottle of water. “She’s gonna get a shitload of child support out of you, whether she asks for it or not. The judge is just going to give it to her, for the kids’ benefit. I mean, you’ve got three young children, two of whom are still in diapers. You’ve gotta pay for daycare, private school, the nanny, it’s going to be a lot. If she wants, Danneel can definitely come at you for alimony, since she hasn’t done much acting since One Tree Hill, except the Harold and Kumar movies, but I can’t really imagine that those made bank for anyone except John Cho, Kal Penn, and NPH-” She stopped her lesson to take a drink of water from the bottle she pulled out of the fridge and cleared her throat. “If she files with infidelity as the reason, the judge is going to hand her your life on a silver platter.”

“I feel like she’s gonna do that anyway. I mean, she’s leaving because I couldn’t stop loving you.”

“That was different. The old agreement wasn’t infidelity. You had her express permission to have a relationship with me. Hell, she apparently suggested me, and if you’ve still got the phone you had in January of last year, then you’ve got proof of that. I did a screen recording of the Skype call between me and Danneel.”

I pulled my phone out and looked at it, a bit shocked. “No shit?”

She nodded and opened up my videos folder. “Yeah. I figured that if the media found out, it’d be a good idea to have proof that I wasn’t a homewrecker.”

I bit my bottom lip as I watched the beginning of the conversation that led into it all. “You thought of doing this in the few seconds after I handed my phone over to you?” I asked, looking over at her.

“My dad taught me to cover my ass. As soon as I knew we weren’t doing anything wrong, I wanted to have some sort of proof that it wasn’t a bad thing. Back then, it wasn’t infidelity, but anything we do now…it would be, because that relationship is over. I left, she withdrew her permissions…and then there’s Tom.”

“Tom’s a dick,” Jared said, obviously pulling on the knowledge he didn’t feel he needed to share with me.

“No, he’s not,” she disputed, running her hand from her forehead backward. “He’s a good man and he was so fucking worried that he was going to lose me and that’s why he was so controlling and-”

“Controlling?” My eyes went wide. I knew it. I knew that there was something wrong there. I schooled my expression into something serious. “Tom’s controlling?”

She looked down at her feet and bit her lip. “It doesn’t matter.”

Yes, it fuckin’ did. It definitely mattered. “It does fucking matter, Y/n. What did he do?”

“Tom thinks she belongs to him,” Jared said, and Y/n flinched. He didn’t think to tell me that before all this?! He didn’t think I should know? She wasn’t fucking happy and he made it seem like I was making it up because I didn’t want her happy and that was fucking horrible.

“No, I talked to him about it. It wasn’t that big of deal anymore. He stopped.” She looked down at her phone and sighed. “I will tell you about it later, okay? Right now, we need to get to work.” She started to walk out.

The way she turned suddenly so cold and was still defending him, it worried me. “You are gonna dump him, right?”

She threw her hands up in the air and shook her head. Her voice took on a high-pitched sound as she shouted, “I don’t fucking know! I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. I don’t know what the right thing is here!”

I smiled and reached for her, attempting to calm her down and soothe her. “Y/n/n, you just need to-”

“No, shut up!” she cut me off and I could see the panic welling up in her eyes. “Don’t tell me to calm down. Don’t tell me that everything is going to be fine, because nothing feels fine right now!” She started tugging lightly at her hair and looked at the ceiling. “You’re getting divorced, Jensen. Your beautiful and amazing family is going to be broken in half a-and that’s not fine, and Tom told the world about me and him and if I break up with him for my not-even-divorced-yet coworker, what kind of whore am I? What kind of bitch am I?”

I hadn’t even processed my shock over the way she was talking about herself before Jared had rushed over to her. “You’re having a panic attack, aren’t you?” He put his hand on her shoulder. “Do you have any PRN anxiety meds?”

“No. I haven’t needed them. I…I can’t breathe,” she rushed to say as she sat on the steps of the trailer and Jared followed. “I can’t breathe.”

“Hey, Jensen, go tell Rich that Y/n and I are gonna be late,” Jared demanded.

My jaw dropped a little as I debated staying and trying to help. But as Jared rubbed his hand up and down her spine, I knew that I was part of the problem. She needed someone who could help her calm down, and it wasn’t me in that moment, so I left.

I took a moment to calm down myself before heading to the set and cleared my throat as I approached Rich at the director’s chair. “Hey, uh, we’re gonna be runnin’ a little behind. Maybe we should switch some scenes around or something, ‘cause Y/n is having a bit of a panic attack and she’s not going to be able to-”

Rich’s eyes went wide. “Shit, is she okay?”

“Yeah, yeah, Jared's in my trailer with her and he’s talking her down, but it’s gonna put us off schedule. I know that we’ll make it work and we won’t make a big deal about it.”

"Of course not, but she's going to be okay, though, right?"

"Yeah. Definitely. She just needs a little time to breathe."

Rich nodded and sighed. "We'll wait for her. It's a Tara-heavy episode so we can't do much without her. But, hey, at least you two aren't fighting anymore."

My eyebrows came together and I cocked my head to the side a bit. "What do you mean? We weren't fighting."

He scoffed and grinned up at me. "Come on, man. I may not be a genius but I have eyes. Your little breakup was killing the con scene." I opened my mouth to argue, my brain telling me to keep to the rules despite the fact that the rules weren't going to matter much longer, but he reached out and patted my shoulder as he walked toward the set. "When you lost your con cooch to Hiddleston, everything went sour. I'm glad you guys are getting over that. Tomorrow would be very awkward otherwise."

I chuckled and watched him sit in his director's chair. Con cooch. At least he hadn't put it all together. He didn't know we were in love…and I’m sure he didn’t know we were going to end up together for real.

#self reblog for tags

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