daily-best-jokes
Jokes: Get Your Funny On!
Only the BEST jokes carefully selected for you. Get ready to laugh!
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A lion , snake and dog walk into a bar , the bartender pulls out a shotgun and says
“How the fuck did that snake just walk in here?”
submitted by /u/_shadow05_
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Why does Earth Day not affect /r/jokes?
Because everything is already 100% recycled.
submitted by /u/matluc9
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A lady was on a train sitting opposite an old man.
A Lady was sitting opposite a very unruly old man on a train, the old man was eating fresh Shrimps Every time he ate one, he spat the tail in her direction, requiring her to deflect it away. He finished the box and threw it out of the window. Seeing this, the Lady had enough and pulled the train emergency cord. The old man said, "You'll get fined £300 for doing that, you stupid fucking bitch". She laughed and said, "When I cry sexual assault and they smell your fingers, you'll get 10 years, you fucking old Prick."
submitted by /u/Buddy2269
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So a French lady walks into a bar.
She takes off her jacket and sits down at the bar and she’s got the bushiest nest of armpit hair you’ve ever seen. She tries to wave down the bartender.
A drunk at the other end of the bar says, “Bartender! Get the ballerina a drink!” and the bartender looks over at her and asks the drunk, “How do you know she’s a ballerina?”
“Only a ballerina could lift her leg that high!”
submitted by /u/lookitsajeep
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A Canadian visits America and gets held at gunpoint by a stranger
The stranger says, "give me all your money and I'll let you live!"
The Canadian replies gleefully, "Oh! You must be what they call a doctor!"
submitted by /u/OGPrinnny
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I finally bought the limited edition Thesaurus that I've always wanted, but when I opened it, all the pages were blank.
I have no words to describe how angry I am.
submitted by /u/RainRepublic
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$tudent
Dear Dad, $chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you. Love,Your $on.~~~
Dear Son, I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh. Love,Dad
submitted by /u/gary6043
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Why do condoms come in packs of 3, 6 and 12?
A man walks into the pharmacy with his 8-year old son.
They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called Condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex."
"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"
The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one For Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."
"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"
"Those are for college men," the dad answers, "two For Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack. With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replies.
"Those are for married men, son. One for January, one for February, one for March..."
submitted by /u/xavi24
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Why does a programmer prefer dark mode?
Because light attracts bugs
submitted by /u/FuzzyFanta724
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Zebra dies and goes to Heaven
The giraffe asks him, "Why you look so depressed? "
Zebra says, "I never knew if I was black with white stripes or white with black stripes."
Giraffe says, "We you can go to God and ask Him any question."
So the Zebra goes and comes back looking confused.
Giraffe asks, "Well what did He say?"
Zebra replies, "He said 'I am what I am'"
Giraffe goes, "Well then you are white with black stripes!"
Zebra asks, "How do you figure?"
Giraffe says, "Cause if you were black with white stripes He say 'You IS what you IS.'"
submitted by /u/igillyg
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A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10 million .
The bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would not have to testify in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where's the money? "
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "where's the money?"
Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about"
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's temple and says, "Ask him again!"
The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."
Guido signs back, "OK.! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."
The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"
The lawyer replies, " He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."
submitted by /u/carlosjab11
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Spider-Man sensed a green figure levitating in the distance on a glider. “Hey! Who are you?”, he yelled.
“Well, I’m the foe.”
submitted by /u/zekrinaze
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The joke store
A guy gets a job at a practical joke store.
To help him learn the ropes, the proprietor has him spend the first week just sorting through all the different practical jokes they sell, learning what they do and making sure everything's correctly labelled and organised. And what a variety! They've got all the classics - fake spiders and snakes, handshake shock buzzers, flowers that squirt water in your face... There are birthday candles that magically relight every time you blow them out, and 50 dollar bills with invisible thread attached so you can whisk them away when someone tries to pick them up.
But amongst the greatest hits he finds some jokes he's never seen or heard of before. He finds motorised fishing reels that jerk and spin like you've got a bite, but when you reel it in there's nothing on your hook! He finds boiled sweets that make your voice really high and squeaky or low and growly a demon; liquorice that makes you moo like a cow and mints that make you squawk and caw like a bird. They're all kinda jumbled up and mislabeled, so he gets to work sorting them all out and eventually has everything nicely organised and sorted into their own sections on the shelf.
The next morning he's getting stuck in to a new day of work, but realises that the whole section he spent hours organising the previous day is in shambles again. The shelves are all messed up, the voice-changing mints are in with the joke fishing reels, there's just no rhyme or reason to it. He sees the proprietor walk past, so he calls out to him and asks - "hey, I sorted this whole section right before I left last night, but first thing this morning it's all mixed up again. Any idea what happened here?". The proprietor smiles and says: "oh, don't worry about trying to organise that section... I think you'll find the reel jokes are always in the caw mints".
submitted by /u/Meowface_the_cat
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Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers.
'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
submitted by /u/thayamaalves1
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Something tasteful...from Playboy?
Joke from Playboy Magazine in the late 80s...
After years of regular meetings at a local bar, one of a trio of friends stunned his companions by announcing that he was really a woman trapped in a man's body and had finally decided to have a sex-change operation.
Months later, she reappeared at the old haunt and greeted her friends. Both men congratulated on her new appearance and began questioning her about the most painful part of the grueling operation.
"Lopping off your dick must have been the worst part," one said, wincing.
"Uhm..." she pondered, "Not really!"
"Cutting off your balls, then," decided the other.
"Nope," she said. "That was bad, but not the worst."
"What could be worse than that?"
"Getting my salary cut in half."
submitted by /u/UnluckyLich
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A man's walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows.
A man's walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows.
"Twenty bucks," she says.
He's never been with a hooker before, but he decides what the hell. They're going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them... it's a police officer.
"What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.
"I'm making love to my wife," the man answers indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know."
"Well," said the man, "neither did I until you shined that light in her face."
submitted by /u/arnitsu1
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My mum used to feed me alphabet soup when I was a kid
She insisted on me telling everyone that I loved it.
I didn't really, she was just putting words in my mouth
submitted by /u/jackassbiker1
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