everyday-diaries

[everyday-diaries]

03/07/2021 -

a list of things that are my fault according to my mom (updated list)

- her back problems

- my depression

- the economy

- not wanting to do a half assed college

- the country job crisis

- being anxious

- the fact her dad left her when she was 17

- having to look for college stuff for me when she doesn't want to (i didn't ask for her to she's doing it to make herself feel better than me??? idk

- my dad not cleaning the kitchen

- being depressed over the years of emotional abuse and neglet from her who always saw me as a doll with no feeling that she could dress up and put in a corner that nothing would happen

[everyday-diaries]

29/01/2021

new year, same old bullshit..

i remember when i was at my old job and my coworkers dad called her everyday on her luchbreak to check on her, she was 26, and married just living in a different town, but he still called her, at my new job i see people talking to their families, letting them know how they are doing, and it hurta me to know i can't have that and never will. I think abou being a mother sometimes but how am i gonna do it alone? i don't have family support, it's just me, my mother only asks me if i'm doing ok when she needs somethig or when she fought with my father and wants me to back her up. no real interest. when they talk to me is to nag about each other it's so tiring, and draining. i can't get with anyone out of fear of their critisism and i really can't have another person sucking the life out of me. maybe it won't be like that but all i know from "love" is what i see from my parents and is not good, lying, secrets, fear, spite, no respect. is this what love looks like? is this what happens when you marry someone? am i going to loath a human for the rest of my life too? just because i don't want to be alone? i learned how to be my own company since i was a kid, been doing it for 22 years guess i can do it for the rest of my life too, be alone, at least the only person hurt is myself

is love suppose to hurt?

[everyday-diaries]

10/09/2020

when i was a child i had no idea of what mental health, or narcissism was so i didn’t understood what things meant or how it would affect me. not having so much affection from my parents was just normal i thought it was normal, that every parent acted like this with their children, i had my friends and they acted out, screamed and got their way and i always assumed they’re were just spoiled because i never acted that way, i was always taught not to show emotion so yeah i lived my life like this and everything was fine.

but now that i’m older, i really don’t know how to act, i know now that acting out is a normal thing for a child to do and you should talk to them and calm them down. i found out i tried acting out once and my mother pulled me outside of the store and pinched my arm so hard that left a mark and told me if i ever did that again she would hit me in front of everyone in the store. i was terrified i was 3 you tell this to a child it will terrified them 

i’m starting to remember some fucked thing she did too like tape my feet to my slippers and hold me down to hit me while i cried murder just because i showed her the tongue. i realized i was traumatized growing up and she used me all this time to get her way, it is not my fault she was wronged in the past, it was not my fault, why does she keep using me for her revenge 

and i have no one to turn to, i was taught not to rely on anyone, so i have no best friend, no family, no one i trust nothing i have no one to turn to , i only have myself as support and i’m getting really tired of fighting is getting harder by the day 

i don’t know if i can take this for longer 

#im only staying alive because #i don't trust this woman with my cats #i worry for them #and im not leaving them #personal

[everyday-diaries]

23/02/2020 -

It's unfair you know, all people my age gets to act like it. It's carnaval, they're thinking what block should i go? Is x friend going? Is a happy time of the year for most. But not for me (as always) i can't leave the house so my parents don't kill each other. I'm worried about what to do if my schoolarshio don't work. Praying it does, if it doesn't i'm scared i'll kill myself. Is horrible for once i wish i could just act my age i wish i could go to a party, get drunk, laugh with friends, meet a person, go home with them, have a wild night and come back home when the sun is already up. But i never got act my age they say i'm very mature for a 22 year old o course i always had to be 10 years ahead so i could survive my house, i have to deal with marital problems even if am not married, i have to deals with finacial problems even if i don't have a house, i had to raise myself because i know nobody else would and till this day i have to look after myself because if i don't no one will, like my mom said she doesn't care. That's all is just unfair all of this

#emotinal trauma #emotional abuse #emotional abandonment #childhood trauma

[everyday-diaries]

I know that's bad and stuff but I kinda hate that all my friends have someone and they out there being loved.I mean i'm happy for them but i never had that, never had the liberty to love someone or to let someone love back, all i ever known was rejection so I closed myself to everyone aroud me. And it doesn't get better if my mom keeps making "funny" jokes about being fat, m not even that big but she still makes me feel like shit. I look at everyone and they all had or have love in their lives, is unfair that i neever got that.

#actually traumatized #im traumatized #fucked up #bpd #actually bpd #toxic people