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Just been for a haircut and they made me the worst cup of coffee I’ve ever tasted 😵‍💫
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What I ate today:
Pre run: 2 mini malt loaf bars spread with margarine
Immediately post run: spoonful of marmite peanut butter, mini bag of maryland cookies
2 poached eggs on 3 slices buttered toast, spoonful of biscoff
2 rice cakes, large bite of blue cheese
Gousto box: full portion of salmon puff pastry tart, roast potatoes and rocket salad, dark chocolate kitkat, glass of white wine (tried to resist and failed 😱)
Yoghurt with granola and drizzle of maple syrup
2 squares of dark chocolate
The supermarket shop is due tomorrow so we are really low on supplies in the kitchen and my graze box and marmite cashew nut supply have run out. I don’t know why I made this list other than out of interest. My instinct looking at it is that it wasn’t quite enough with the big run this morning, so maybe I’ll be super hungry tomorrow. I just kind of eat to my hunger cues these days and don’t think about it too much. T would probably have suggested I have a milky hot chocolate in there. I could bear that in mind tomorrow if I’m extra hungry before the food delivery arrives. Eggs on toast is my staple meal.
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Running update
After today, I have seven training runs left before my half marathon. I might skip the last few to taper, depending on what they are (I can only see the details as far as four runs ahead). Today I did 75 minutes at an easy pace, followed by 10 minutes fast and 5 minutes really fast. I ran 9 and a bit miles. I take on board all your sensible comments about my knee, and then I ignore them and go out running on it and hope for the best. Don’t be like me. I’ve just bought a massage gun so I’ve been giving my legs and gluts a good blitz. The two easy runs this week are only 45 minutes each so I think the total weekly mileage is decreasing. I’m ready for this race.
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I’ve been thinking about messaging T for a week now, I wanted to tell her about d3 turning 18. Today I finally got round to it. We had a brief message exchange. Kind of unsatisfying. I feel really torn between wanting to keep our therapy relationship as the special time it was and keep T kind of idealised, versus keep some sort of relationship now that risks diluting that therapy time we had and will probably only serve to de-idealise her.
I read a thing somewhere about how after therapy ends, your therapist lives in on in your brain in the hippocampus, helping you make decisions and manage emotions as if you still had your therapist and therapy there. That can only happen because you keep them in that idealised position where they are wise and all-knowing. If you get to know them too much in real life, you lose that image of them and your brain no longer feels them as that nurturing, regulating, stabilising imaginary presence, and the therapy magic wears off. (That was probably a terrible paraphrase but it does make sense)
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This was a fun jigsaw puzzle but it’s made me think a lot about eating cupcakes!
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I was supposed to have a 11 mile race this morning, but it was postponed so I volunteered at parkrun instead. Then I did my own run, 15 minutes warm up, 15 minutes tempo pace, 15 minutes cool down. Two weeks till my half marathon. Bring on the taper. My right knee is a bit iffy. It swells up after a run and my knee cap doesn’t track properly when I bend it. I should probably rest it. But instead I take some anti inflammatories and sit with a bag of frozen sweetcorn on it and hope it’ll hold out for 15 more days till I’ve done my race.
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I did a doodle during a meeting this evening
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My diary is empty today and I have the house to myself. Not quite sure what to do with myself!! All the support care I’ve been doing for four little ones is coming to an end as they move on, just one overnight stay left with the non-sleeping baby (who now sleeps reasonably well). It’s maybe time to think about taking a new placement.
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I’m so sad. My close foster carer friend has given notice on their placement because they’ve been so screwed over by the fostering team that it just wasn’t tenable any more. These are two little ones that I have looked after countless times, including having them for a week of holiday care. They are moving to live with new carers and we won’t see them any more. It’s so sad for everyone but the biggest losers are the children who will now have another attachment loss 😥 💔
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I hope Kate Middleton is photoshopping those pictures herself. I hope she had a fight with the royal family and they are all outside her door, begging to just please, let us take one normal picture of you, they all think we murdered you! Kate! Kate!
And then she puts another, even shittier, photomanipulated pic on twitter.
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Did you make D3's cake? If so, fantastic job!
Yes I did - thankyou!
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Went for a swim but mistimed it so it coincided with aquarobics, which means the 5 swimming lanes become 2. The fast lane gets amalgamated with the medium lane and I have to try and swim my front crawl in a not too obnoxious way in and out of the breaststrokers. Although you could look at it that they are swimming their slow breaststroke in a not too obnoxious way as to get in my way. I don’t think they saw it like that. The rules of swimming etiquette 🤷‍♀️
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Happy 18th birthday to d3!
It’s been a crazy busy but wonderful weekend of celebrating with friends and family 🥰 I was very pleased with how her cake turned out - six layers of chocolate fudge cake with chocolate buttercream.
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Ive been a bit awol the last week. First of all I downloaded a solitaire game and developed a massive fixation on it. Partly because the game involves such intense concentration that I just go into the zone and everything else ceases to matter, which is quite pleasant when my brain spends most of its time overthinking. I wasted a lot of free time and evenings tapping on red and black cards and winning small amounts of money before promptly losing it all again. I’m hoping the fixation is wearing off a bit now because it wasn’t very healthy.
Then this weekend it has been d3’s 18th birthday and she had a big party and we spent the entire weekend hosting friends and family and celebrating. Everyone has finally gone home and I am sitting on the sofa with a glass of wine hoping nobody speaks to me for the rest of the evening.
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I just did a run as per my garmin half marathon training schedule. It was called a “Progression run”. It was an hour running at an easy pace, then 10 minutes running at my goal race pace, and then 5 minutes running at a really fast pace. Yep, it sounds like torture. I’ve done this run before a couple of weeks ago and it was so hard, I was dying by the end. So I wasn’t feeling very enthusiastic about doing it again. However, when I ran it today, the speedy bits of it were easier (definitely not easy, but easIER). I feel really encouraged that my training must be paying off and increasing my fitness. It sometimes hard to tell from one run to the next if I’m actually getting fitter and closer to my goal, but here I am. Onwards and upwards!! 🏃‍♀️ 🏃‍♀️ 🏃‍♀️
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I love that. Nail color
Thanks! Over the weekend d3 went out and got the same colour in her nails 😂
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We have been away for the weekend to visit d2 and to celebrate Mothers Day. d3 didn’t come as she has exams this week so stayed at home to revise.
The weekend has had some really lovely bits but also some really stressful bits, and the really stressful bits are overwhelming and leave me feeling so exhausted and drained. H seems to be in this phase where he doesn’t pay attention when driving, last month he randomly crunched into the side of another car as he parked because he didn’t see it, and then on Saturday he was doing a three point turn and reversed at full speed into a high kerb and scrunched the exhaust. Like literally the exhaust pipe that should be horizontal now has a kink in it and points at the ground. Then when he drove the car after that, there’s an ominous squeaking form underneath the car like something is loose.
This nearly sent me over the edge, I am all like “the exhaust is going to fall off and how are we going to drive four hours home and the car is doomed” and H is like “ah well there’s nothing we can do about it just now” and I’m like “that’s exactly my issue!! there is nothing we can do about it it!! And we are stuck with this situation that leads to certain doom!!” I don’t know how to get myself out of situations like this, my anxiety just runs riot and takes me over so I go into a shutdown spiral. I had to self medicate with alcohol to even get back to minimal functioning. I do try and do a bit of CBT on myself and think about what evidence is there that my worst case scenario will happen, and what might the best case scenario be etc but it just has minimal impact.
Then at the end of last week, H’s phone died. This was an entirely predictable event that I have been telling him to get a new phone ordered for the last couple of weeks before this exact scenario happened, but of course he left it to the last minute grrrrr. So now his phone has died and we cannot communicate when apart. So in the complex situation of checking out of air bnb, retrieving the car from a mile away and collecting d1 and d2, he went awol and I couldn’t get hold of any of them to find out what was going on, and none of them thinks how I might be feeling and therefore they should let me know. So I got in another anxiety spiral thinking of the worst case scenario.
Anyway I probably sound really whingy but these things are really difficult for me and make me feel really sad that nobody in my family thinks or cares enough to take the care of me that I take of them, and then I’m expected to be all happy and cheerful about my Mother’s Day treat when I’m actually feeling sad and invalidated. I did manage to say how I was feeling and we all did some repairing and then I put my negative emotions to the side and enjoyed the lovely and thoughtful treat that my girls had bought for me.
If you were friends with me on Facebook you would just see all the highlights and it would look like I had an amazing weekend being spoilt, which I did, but its only half the story. This is the other half.
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