feelingslikefire

[feelingslikefire]

12/2/20

I cut myself again tonight for the first time since my friends left me. That was about a year and a half now. He told me that he doesn't want to go to Japan with me at all, so we're just going to cancel the trip we took so long planning and that we were so excited about.

I've sent him a lot of long messages tonight which I'll probably regret tomorrow. I told him him he's ruined my life.. I planned my life with him in it. I was going to go to Europe with him, help him through uni, help him open a cafe. They were all his dreams and I wanted to be a part of them. I can't even do the only dream I had for myself, buy my own house. He doesn't want me anymore and he doesn't want to buy a house with me. All of my life plans involved him and now none of them will happen.

I feel like life is pointless at the moment. I don't even want to make new goals because I still want him to be in them. Too bad he doesn't want me anymore. He hasn't even given me a good answer about how long he's been pretending to love me. He won't give me any answers and he gets annoyed when I ask. I don't know what's going on with him but it's unfair. He hasn't though about me at all in this even though he said he did it so he wasn't leading me on. He got to that point and then that was it, I'm dealt with so the rest doesn't matter.

I hate him and I love him both at the same time.

#depressed #self harm #cutting #breakup #ex

[feelingslikefire]

10/2/20

Here we go, third night without him. It was Monday today. He doesn't work on Mondays so he usually either comes into the city to pick me up and we go do something after work or he meets me home and we go out. Neither of those things happened tonight.

Everything feels so wrong. Pitch Perfect 3 was on TV tonight and I couldn't even watch it because it felt wrong to watch it without him, as if he cares to watch it with me anymore.

I am so so mad but I can't be mad at him.. it's so hard to explain.. how dare he just rip my life out from under me and dump it upside down. How dare he leave me with hickies from that morning knowing full well that he didn't love me enough to last the day. How dare he ruin every little thing in this world for me. Everything seems wrong. I can't watch Jenna Marbles on YouTube because it reminds me of how I dreamt of one day having that life with him. I can't do anything without a reminder that he doesn't want me anymore and yet I can't hate him..

I still love him more than anything. I still think I want to marry him. I still want to have kids with him. I fucking love him but I can't believe he did this to me..

[feelingslikefire]

8/2/20

I haven't posted here in a while because up until today I've been having a really really good year happiness wise. Up until today I had spent over a year with the most perfect boy, he broke up with me today... He said he didn't feel that same anymore.. I'm glad he told me and I don't hate him, we've agreed to be friends still, but I feel so empty... I'm home alone right now and I don't know what to do with myself.

I miss him so much, I spent two hours at his house just crying after he told me.. I suspected something was up because he'd been acting a bit off the last week or so and he didn't answer my 15+ calls that I made to him.. he told me he'd pick me up in an hour so when two hours had passed I was worried sick and asked my sister to drop me at his because I couldn't drive my own car..

I don't know what I'm going to do with my life.. he was my life.. we have a huge holiday to Japan booked that we were meant to leave for in 19 days but I don't think I'm gonna go anymore.. I've been so excited for it for so long and now nothing... back to normal life where nothing happens and there's nothing to look forward to..

I really don't know what to do with myself right now.. I'm so empty...

#breakup #ex #love #depressed #sad #empty

[feelingslikefire]

"If I could change the way that you see yourself, you wouldn't wonder why you hear 'they don't deserve you'."

Billie Eilish

[feelingslikefire]

you didn’t mean to say i love you.

[feelingslikefire]

[feelingslikefire]

28/8/19

I've been in a really bad rut of missing the guys for a week or so now. Like I feel really depressed and its starting to affect my current relationship a bit too.

I don't know how to help myself get over them... it's not even really "them" that I need to get over. Its HIM. K.

I know I've written about him on here before. I realised something the other day. I loved that boy. I loved him so so much, maybe even a little more than just a best friend love. I loved him so so much and he just ghosted me. Never replied.

It's been almost a year since I spoke to him, or any of them for that matter. I don't know why it's not getting better, I feel worse. I had a patch in the middle where I didn't care but now it feels like it was yesterday that they left me.

It's honestly killing me, it's making me so depressed. I'm dreaming about them for fucks sake.. it's so hard all of a sudden and I don't know why

#thoughts #friends #old friends #sad #depressed

[feelingslikefire]

24/8/19

So this might sound really fucking stupid but hear me out.

Me and my partner have just finished house sitting for my uncle for three weeks. Tonight is the first night not at his house in three weeks. It's a Saturday. I always sleep at his house on weekends and it just feels really weird that I'm not there tonight. Like he literally told me not to come over because he has work tomorrow morning (like always).

I feel so fucking dumb about it because we've lived together for the past 3 weeks but that's the thing, we've lived together for three weeks and it feels like we didn't actually do anything together. It felt like I left for work, worked, got home and cooked dinner for both of us every single day and then we sat in bed on our phones before he decided he was tired and went to sleep pretty much without talking to me.

It's like we weren't really living together. We never DID anything for fucks sake! I sent him a text earlier telling him how I'm frustrated about it and want to spend time doing stuff rather than what we've been doing and he didn't reply to it. Then I sent him another message about staying at his and he replied to only that one saying for me not to bother coming over. It bothers me so much but I feel so stupid.

Weekends are my time off. I work a normal 9-5 job in the city. He only has Mondays off because he works in a fish and chip shop. Some days he's 10-8 and some he's 4-8. And on top of that he takes up shifts at a cafe he worked for in high school on the days he doesn't work until 4. This wouldn't bother me so much except he always takes these shift on Saturday. Saturday is one of the days he does 4-8 and Sunday he always does 10-8. So he takes up these shifts and takes up the only fucking day I get to see him and then acts shitty when I get upset about it. I'm so fucking frustrated.

I feel like its partly to do with the way things used to be with my old friends. We would see each other every weekend, always actually properly hang out, and we all worked normal weekday jobs. I really fucking miss them..

I really really fucking miss them.. I wish I had that back, that group dynamic with the guys that I genuinely loved.. it has fucking killed me for the last year that I haven't even spoken to them since they left me.. I hate it.. I want them back...

#thoughts #friends #boyfriend #old friends #sad #upset

[feelingslikefire]

one thing i hate about media is how there’s no sort of representation for how badly friendship break ups fuck you up. like there are a million and one films about romantic break ups but i have yet to see a film or television show that accurately depicts how difficult friendships falling apart can be and how that stuff can really leave you with wounds and behaviors that take ages to heal

[feelingslikefire]

14/8/19

So last night I found out my best friend overdosed. She messaged me from the hospital after being put in there for an overnight stay. I had no idea that she was feeling that way and still really don't know why she did it..

I feel like such a shit friend, I feel like I should've known even though she didn't talk to me about it at all...

None of it feels real. My best friend tried to kill herself and yet it seems like nothing right now.

Part of me is thinking that shes lying. As shitty as that sounds, part of me thinks shes just making it up cos how could that have possibly happened... I'm not here to judge her or try to make things harder but it just doesn't register with me..

The part of me that thinks shes lying wants to contact her mum or sister and ask them in secret how shes going.. just to get confirmation. That's such a betrayal of trust though so I couldn't do that...

It's all a lot.. I get a message saying she needs to tell me something and then she tried to say she'll tell me later and that it's not important and I pushed cos I thought it was gossip like it normally is and she tells me shes in hospital after she overdosed..

I feel like I should've gone to the hospital even though she wasn't in there too long.. if I did I would've gotten more proof that it's real and I wouldn't feel so shitty about not believing that it is real..

Honestly the last few months have been a nightmare. My mental health had gone down hill rapidly, I've been surrounded by death and close calls recently, I haven't even told my partner any of this because I find it so hard to open up about any of these real feelings because they're so intense. I write them on this secret account that no one knows about and barely anyone reads them and I guess that's a good thing.

These last few months have hit me hard and I think I honestly need a time out from everything

#thoughts #friends #best friend #overdose #OD #mental health

[feelingslikefire]

[feelingslikefire]

“I’ve NEVER. Eaten a DONUT. In my ENTIRE LIFE. And I’m NOT. About to start NOW.”

-Crazy customer I had today, upon being offered a complimentary donut

[feelingslikefire]

So I have my dog trained to sit when she wants pet (she used to be very wild and jumpy when we first got her, it’s been a long road) so now when she wants attention she just sits very still and stares VERY intently at you (she’s extremely non verbal and hardly makes sound in general)

So, today I let her out and didn’t realize the fence gate was wide open, and she just shoots right out at this older man and a small girl (bc she just LOVES PEOPLE. A lot) The girl kinda shrieks and the man pulls her behind him (which I get it, my dogs small but she’s still part Pitt, and she was running full throttle at them) and all of a sudden my dog just pulls up completely, full stop, and plants her ass on the ground in front of them, staring and wagging her tail.

And they just stand there, staring at each other. She’s like, vibrating with energy, waiting for pets, and these people are like “wtf” so I run up and explain and the old guy was just so thrilled honestly. The little girl starts petting her and the old dude was gushing about how trained and well behaved she is (I mean, ignoring the fact that she shot out of the gate LMAO) but like, that just made me so happy. I’ve put so much time and effort into training her and making her feel safe and comfortable after he (horrifying) past and I’m just so so proud of her.

TLDR; my dog is a good gorl and I luv her

[feelingslikefire]

11/8/19

So I'm house sitting for my uncle at the moment and it's both really nice and freeing and super stressful.

One of the first times I house sat for him was when my old friends decided that they'd leave me. This house has so many shit memories and some really nice ones too but all I've been able to think about for weeks now is them..

I wonder if one of them in particular, who I've talked about in other posts, ever thinks about me.. I wonder if he regrets ghosting me. If I messaged him again would he reply this time? I deleted them all from my social medias and it helped for a bit but now it's just all back..

I don't understand why I'm so hung up on them still, they don't care about me, I'm starting to doubt if they ever really did..

This missing them has started taking over my life.. I keep thinking of the social structure we had around hanging out, we would do something ever weekend, even if it was just go to someone's house and drink. We would still do something. It's not like that now and it hasn't been like that since them.

I recently reconnected with a few people I knew in high school and had one really great night out with them at the same pool bar that me and the guys used to go to and it was amazing, but we haven't been back since and I think I'm having withdrawals..

I just love the format of 5-10 friends going out or to someone's house, drinking a bit, just having fun.. don't get me wrong, having nights by myself of just with my boyfriend is nice too but I want that big chaotic friend group like I used to have.. I want that Saturday night activity back.. I want to be able to get drunk with a bunch of friends and just talk shit and have a really good time with people I love..

I used the be able to act differently with them too and my boyfriend wouldn't mind because they were both of our friends and that's just how it was with them. If I acted like that now I think my current boyfriend would be mad.. I don't like that, I'm not trying to be a bitch or cheat, that's just how I want to act with my friends...

It's such a complicated situation and it just keeps going over and over and over and over in my head and it's all I can think about

#thoughts #friends #boyfriend #ex friends #upset #angry #depressed #frustrated #love

[feelingslikefire]

„Do I even miss you or do I just make up a better image of yourself in my head?“

-C.M.

[feelingslikefire]

dear ex,

i miss you but i dont think i want you back

[feelingslikefire]

Me losing respect for you is worse than me being mad at you.