Vanya: I’m this close to falling in love with sissy
Allison: Vanya, your fingertips are literally touching
Vanya: exactly
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Klaus: is there a spirit in this house?
Ben: yes
Klaus: good, the rent is 750 every month and is due every 1st
Ben: wtf
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Diego: I need you to swear—
Lila: fuck
Diego: I meant like, promise...
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Ben: adding ‘LMAO’ doesn’t hide your pain
Klaus: yes it does LMAO
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Five: I have an empty notebook and no idea what to put in it. Any suggestions?
Klaus: put spaghetti in it
Five: I am currently taking suggestions from everyone except you
Diego: put spaghetti in it
Five: I am currently taking suggestions from—
Luther: put spaghetti in it
Five: I am currently—
Ben: put spaghetti in it
Five: I am no longer taking suggestions
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Vanya: Everything’s going to be fine! It’s just a crush—
Sissy: Hey, Vanya!
Vanya: I love you
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Dave: I just need to hear those three little words
Klaus: I love you?
Dave: try again
Klaus: I will behave
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Klaus: I am not interested in being polite or heterosexual
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Do we think there’s a season 2 in our future or.....???
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Five: Luther, give Klaus his boa back. He looks naked without it. It’s creeping me out
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Would never stab someone: Ben, Vanya
Would stab someone out of retaliation: Allison, Luther
Yells “I won’t hesitate, bitch” First: Klaus
Would stab someone without warning: Diego
Would stab someone as a warning: Five
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The Handler: what’s your greatest weakness?
Five: I’m uncooperative
The Handler: give me an example?
Five: no
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Reginald: sometimes I feel like I have failed as your father
Klaus: sometimes?!
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[first day at work]
The Handler: Mr. Five, tell us about your family
Five: I have one
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Diego: and our second option is surveillance footage of Luther soliciting drugs using perfect grammar
Luther: it’s not weird to say “may I have some cocaine”
Klaus: it is
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The Handler: Hello, Mr. Five. How do you like my new office? Twentieth floor
Five: yes, I never thought I’d see you this high without a broom under you
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