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Heartbreak confessions

Hi, my dear followers! Long time no read. I am glad to be back and hopefully, this time for good. I am not sure how many of you actually know my story so far; about the struggles I have faced, the obstacles I have overcome. I have shared my journey about a battle with eating disorders, anxiety about my work life and other struggles. When I think back about this time now, I actually have to admit that it wasn’t that bad. Well, it was, but by the time I felt comfortable enough to start sharing my journey, I had already managed to fix my life in one aspect that helped me to handle everything else: that is, love, of course. I had found a person who made me believe that nothing is impossible. I had somewhat lost faith in love. But he was the first person to whom I honestly admitted that I have issues. That I need help. That I am a mess. I did it quite early in our relationship; about 6 months after we had met. None of my ex-partners knew about my ED, I never told it to anyone. He was the first person I actually trusted. He was amazing. He helped me to get through it, he stood by me and every downfall actually made us stronger. We struggled both with our careers, our families.... and we kept our backs together, we pushed each other through the massive shitstorm and we managed to achieve a point in life where we were both managing our own work, our own time, our own decisions. Few months ago I realized, that I am finally cured, my ED is in my past and I am ready to move on, stronger than ever. With him. I have had several relationships, but what me and him had, it was out of this world. I was happy. I think that I have never been as happy as I was with him.

That was until a month ago, when my whole world collapsed. “I don’t have feelings for you anymore.” I still hear that sentence, clearly, like someone is still citing to me every single second of every single day. 

It has been now 35 days and I am alone. The month has slowly flown away. It is the most beautiful season of the year in Estonia. It’s warm, nature is blooming, the air is full of amazing scents, it’s romantic, it’s the main time of the year to drive around, seek adventures... live, love, laugh. And I am alone. Even though I have not lost hope that this might actually have a turnaround, he will come back, I am slowly starting to open up to the possibility that, well... nothing is impossible, and that anything can happen, whether in my favour or not.

The past 35 days, I have walked 10 km every single day. This is the time that I allow myself to literally walk away from everything. To let myself cry, shout, scream. The hurt I feel is unimaginable. But the walks have become some sort of a get-away for me. I look forward to these walks every morning. And boy, let me tell you: they say that the nights are the worst? No. Mornings are. You spend the entire night dreaming about the love of your life, and when that alarm goes off, and you open your eyes, and you realize that you are not cuddling him, but your extra pillow.... THAT’S the worst.

They say that time is the best medicine, but for me, as the days go by, the harder it gets. 

Since this topic is extremely triggering to a lot of people, I wanted to post this and see the reactions. I have learned a lot during my first month of break up and how to keep going.

I am willing to share my story of an extremely hard break up, how to cope, what to do, share the most honest feelings, quotes, mantras, ideas and ways to cope with the pain, hope, self-growth, self-care, anxiety and struggles. 

Let me know, if this is something you would be interested in reading and I will start recording my journey openly to everyone.

#heartbreak #breakup #breakup story #sad #depressed #self love #self care #love yourself #broken heart

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Perfect day at the beach

#dog videos #my dog #dog walking #dogs #dog #cutest pets #cute dog #beach #sunny #kite surfing #autumn #fall

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Charlie can smell the fresh fallen leaves

#my dog #dogs #dog #dog and me #dogs of instagram #dogs of tumblr #nature photopragpy #nature #autumn evening #autumn vibes #Autumn #fall mood #fall vibes #fall #leaves #falling leaves #colours

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Vegan Cinnamon Rolls. Smells like winter :).

#food #foodgasm #food photography #vegan #vegan food #cinnamon roll #cinnamon #autumn #fall #food aesthetic

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Charlie loves nature

#autumn evening #autumn vibes #autumn morning #fall mood #fall blog #fall vibes #my dog #dog walking #dogs #dog #animals #nature #nature photopragpy #hiking

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Smell of those freshly fallen leaves and sound of the sea on the beach pebbles

Valaste, Ida-Virumaa, Estonia

#autumn #forest #autumn leaves #autumn morning #nature #autumn aesthetic #colours #seaside #beach #hiking #alone #nature photopragpy #Estonia #Eesti

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Ruins, ruins, ruins... And the bittersweetness of Autumn

Kunda, Lääne-Virumaa, Estonia

#autumn #ruins #autumn vibes #autumn morning #lost ruins #history #abandoned #leaves #estonia #Kunda #eesti #nature #nature photopragpy #halloween

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Our family Eurotrip. Most nights in our van near seaside. Heaven ❤️

#eurotrip #family time #family #my dog #dog and me #dog #dogs #pets #dogphotography #love #sunset #Netherlands #vacation #summer #holiday #travelling #van life #van #road trip #adventure

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First time ever in my life I have strong and insanely long fingernails. ❤️

#nails #nailart #nail art #long nails #pretty nails #shiny #summer aesthetic #summer nails #summer #white #Silver #manicure #beauty #healthy nails

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Plateful of vegan chocolates. Snickers, Rocky Road, Cream Liquor chocolate bar, Spotted Dog cake. Hand made.

#vegan #food photography #food #foodgasm #vegan food #veganism #comfort food #chocolate #chocolate bar #handmade #dessert #sweet #candy

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-20 degrees, Kohala, Lääne-Virumaa

#nature #estonia #winter #cold #nature photopragpy

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Vegan is love, vegan is life

#vegan #food photography #food #foodgasm #vegan food #veganism #comfort food #vegan burger #burger #dinner #fastfood

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Birthdays and Afterlife

What are the first things that pop into your head when someone says ‘All Souls’ Day’ aka 2 November? Candles, commemorating the deceased, visiting the cemeteries, everything is a mystical, blurred line between life and death ... But for me, the first main fact is that All Souls’ Day is my birthday. I am always so pleasantly excited that the whole nation lights candles on my birthday, slows down for a bit and remembers those who are no longer among us. This day has always been full of joy, laughter, celebration, delicious foods... but yesterday's birthday could almost be my last day on this Earth. More on this in the second half of the post.

However, let me start with a happy note. I've always been the type of person who otherwise hates being the center of attention, but when it comes to this once a year day, when my age goes up by one number, this picture perfectly describes me:

I just LOVE my birthdays and not even because of the gifts or flowers, material things are only bonus. Rather, it is the knowledge that people remember me, think of me, and show me how much I mean to them. Every SMS, call or Facebook post makes me so happy and I always feel beautiful and special and loved.

 In the morning, for example, my dear family woke me up with a table like this:

 Gert said that he searched the whole of Rakvere to get me a vegan cake from somewhere. "It's not possible at all to just go to any store and grab a cake! There are no such cakes. ” Of course, he wanted to get me this cake without any help, so he didn't want to ask for a tip or advice on where to order the cake, otherwise I would have recommended him a brand new vegan café, Nurk. Anyway, he was able to place a vegan cake order in Pihlaka, and so he was all set and there to wake me up at 8:30 in the morning, a vegan cherry chocolate cake in his hand, non-alcoholic chamapagne in the other hand with a beautiful bouquet of carnations. He then slipped a gorgeous red envelope into my lap. "For your first real kite!" it was explained in the the envelope. So soon we'll have a visit to Surfikaubamaja, so that I can finally grow a set of lady balls and bring home my very own kite. Charlie curled next to me, hoping to get a piece of cake. A virgin bublly and a piece of cake for breakfast: let the feast begin!

Then I did a mini-cleaning ritual, also went to my annual birthday morning run, and managed to take a shower and make myself look decent just before my first guests arrived: my mother came and brought me the coolest gift box, which made me say exactly: yep, this is my Mom who knows me better than anyone else.

In addition, I made a personal birthday present for myself and ordered an autumn box from Rohebox, which arrived at the pick-up statio by November 2nd. The content was a-h-mazing!

Gert’s mother and father also came to visit, and so we had a decend small gathering, respectin all the COVID rules, and we munched on buns from Nurk, pizzas from Päts, the cake from Pihlaka and my own Snickers cake I made the night before

So overall I had a great day. I never worried about calories but ate what I wanted, when I wanted and how much I wanted.

 In the evening we decided to go to and visit graves of Gert’s passed awayrelatives and lit some candles. The evening was dark, foggy and our route took us through Tamsalu, Simuna and Väike-Maarja. When driving away from Tamsalu cemetery, there was silence in the car. Gert and I talked about life and the weather, Charlie sat comfortably in the back and enjoyed the ride. We were driving at a calm speed, with a speed limit of 30-40, and I was trying to find a suitable radio station at the same time. We approached a level crossing, which is regulated by signal lights in Tamsalu. When coming from the cemetery, there is a proper 90-degree bend before going to the crossing, so you have to look behind you several times to make sure that the train is not coming. Since the signal lights did not flash at the crossing, we both glanced in both directions, but we didn't see the train. We were still talking, and my gaze was on the radio to find the right radio station, and… the next few seconds seemed like hours. It was as if through sleep I heard a train giving us a screetching and desperate signal and Gert’s trembling voice:"Oh...shit...” I nailed my gaze to the right, and I was faced with an image I had seen in an abnormal amount of nightmares in my life: I stared at the icy train lights that were at a maximum distance of 100 m from my car side and rushed closer at breakneck speed. It took a few seconds for us to cross the crossing, but during that time I realized that we had too high a gear for such a low speed and hitting the gas was not sufficient. At the same time, I saw the red lights in the traffic light start flashing, and just as we got across the railroad, the carrot-orange coloured Elron passenger train raced past us. There was silence in the car. Gert kept shaking his head and whispered "Damn… the lights… didn't blink… the train wasn’t visible... the trees and street lights…" and the only thing in my head was how seriously scared I have been of the trains all my life. My childhood friend got hit by a train at the age of 12 and died, I have witnessed a little girl almost step in front of the train and I will never be able to as a pedestrian cross the rails in front of the train, the train has to leave the station before I can go. Honestly. I can wait on the platform for half an hour, but I won't step on the rails if the train is stil there. And what happened yesterday - the three train lights rushing towards me were exactly the same as in the many nightmares where I get into a train accident over and over again.

At first, hysterical bursts of laughter tried to slip over my lips. I do not know why. I wouldn't let myself start laughing and then reality started to hit me and I was in for a terrible shock. My hands trembled, my breathing wanted to stop, and tears began to flow. Gert was as pale as snow, he stopped the car and we calmed down together. I don't remember much about how we got to next cemetry anymore, but the next moment we were already in Väike-Maarja cemetery. Gert stopped the car, took me deep into his arms. I realized without words that he was feeling extremely terrible. After all, his whole family was in the car, and as a driver, you always blame yourself for such a situation. We are both convinced that there was no signals working in the lights. I will probably write to Elron and ask them to check the camera at the moment to see if there was really a fault with the traffic lights.

The fact is that something got in the way yesterday and we barely got out of it without a scratch. I have never been so close to death. On my birthday. On the All Souls’ Day. We promised to try to put this situation behind us and be grateful that we are here today, alive and well, but I have been thinking about it over and over again the entire day. Slowly, somehow, everything starts to hit me. What's interesting, though, is that I don't have any "OMG I'm so grateful for life, a full enlightening experience, I'm going to be a good person now" feeling. No. Rather, I am calmer and… more at peace? I don't want to change anything in life or start doing anything different. Does this suddenly show that I am doing the right thing and that everything I do in life is as it is meant to be? Or rather, maybe it's that I know and feel that someone is watching over me. And I even know who this * someone * might be. I have felt his protection and closeness in a life-threatening accident before, and it seems to me that he is still with me.

I have always deeply believed that All Souls’ Day has a special aura, magic and power, and I have the special honor of being a Scorpio girl of All Souls’ Day Anyway, yesterday reminded me how true this really is.

 Thank you!

#blogging #foodblogger #my story #my life #birthday post #birthday #near death experience #all souls day

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Surmapäeva sünnipäevalaps

Mis seostub Sulle esimesena sõnaga hingedepäev? Küünlad, lahkunute mälestamine, surnuaedadel käimine, kõik müstiline, ähmane piir elu ja surma vahel... Minu jaoks on aga esimene peamine fakt see, et hingedepäeval on mu sünnipäev. Ma olen alati nii mõnusalt elevil, et kogu rahvus minu sünnipäeval küünlaid süütab, aja korraks maha võtab ja meenutab neid, keda meie seas enam ei ole. Alati on see päev olnud mu jaoks rõõmu, naeru, pidu, head-paremat täis, ent eilne sünnipäev oleks ilmselt väga suure tõenäosusega võinud jääda ka minu surmapäevaks. Sellest täpsemalt postituse teises pooles.

Alustan siiski rõõmsa tagasivaatega. Olen alati olnud sellist tüüpi inimene, kes muidu vihkab tähelepanu keskpunktis olemist, ent kui saabub see üks kord aastas, mil vanusele üks number juurde tiksub, siis kirjeldab mind ideaalselt just see pilt:

Ma lihtsalt ARMASTAN oma sünnipäevi ja isegi mitte kinkide või lillede saamise pärast, materiaalsed asjad on boonuseks. Pigem just teadmine, et inimesed mäletavad mind, mõtlevad mu peale ja näitavad, kui palju ma neile tähendan. Iga SMS, kõne või Facebooki postitus teeb mu nii rõõmsaks ja ma tunnen end alati ilusa ja erilise ja armastatuna.

Hommikul näiteks äratas mind mu kallis perekond üles sellise lauaga:

Gert ütles, et otsis terve Rakvere läbi, et mulle kuskilt vegan torti saada. ,,See pole ju üldse reaalnegi, et lähed suvalisse poodi ja haarad tordi! Selliseid torte pole ju olemas.” Muidugi tahtis ta ise ilma kõrvalise abita selle tordi mulle saada, seega ei tahtnud ta ka vihjet või nõu küsida, kust torti tellida, muidu oleksin talle uhiuut vegan kohvikut Nurk soovitanud. Igatahes suutis ta Pihlakasse esitada vegan tordiletellimus ning nii oligi ta hommikul kell pool 9 platsis, näppus kirsitort, täistaimne, teises käes laste šampus koos imeilusa kimbu nelkidega. Kõige peale libistas ta ümbriku. ,,Sinu esimese päris lohe jaoks!” seisis ümbrikul selgitus. Nii et varsti seisab meil ees Surfikaubamaja külastus, et ma lõpuks ometi oma naismunad pihku võtaks ja päris oma isikliku õppelohe koju tooks. Charlie limpsas rõõmsalt mu nägu, lootes ka tükikese kooki saada. Hommikusöögiks lastešampus ja tükk kooki: let the feast begin!

Seejärel tegin kiiruga minikoristustalgud, käisin ka oma iga-aastasel sünnipäevajooksul, jõudsin täpselt käia pesus ja end enam-vähem korda teha, kui juba saabuski esimene külaline: emme tuli ja tõi mulle kõige vahvama kinkekarbi, mis otsast lõpuni täpselt selline, et yep, this is my Mom who knows me better than anyone else

Lisaks tegin omale isikliku sünnipäevakingi ka ja tellisin Roheboxist sügisekarbi, mis täpselt 2. novembriks pakiautomaati jõudis. Head paremat oli sees sealgi :)

Külla tulid ka Gerdi ema ja isa ning väikses seltskonnas nosisime Nurga pirukaid, Pätsi pitsasid, Gerdi toodud Pihlaka torti ja minu meisterdatud Snickersi kooki

Nii et üldjoontes oli mul väga tore päev. Kalorite pärast ei muretsenud ma kordagi vaid sõin seda, mida tahtsin, millal tahtsin ja kui palju tahtsin.

Õhtul otsustasime, et käime Gerdi sugulaste haudadel ja viime mõned küünlad. Õhtu oli pime, udune ning meie marsruut viis meid läbi Tamsalu, Simuna ja Väike-Maarja. Tamsalu surnuaiast ära sõites valitses autos vaikus. Rääkisime Gerdiga elust ja ilmast, Charlie istus mõnusasti taga ja nautis sõitu. Sõitsime rahulikus tempos, piirkiirusega 30-40 ning mina kruttisin samal ajal raadiot. Lähenesime raudteeülesõidule, mis Tamsalus on reguleeritud signaaltuledega. Surnuaia poolt tulles on enne raudteele sõitmist korralik 90kraadine kurv, mistõttu tuleb mitu korda selja  taha vaadata, veendumaks, et rongi ei tule. Kuna ülesõidul tuled ei vilkunud, heitsime mõlemad nii muuseas pilgud mõlemasse suunda, ent rongi ei näinud. Rääkisime endiselt juttu ning mu pilk oli raadiomakil, et õiget raadiojaama leida ja... järgmised sekundid tundusid tundidepikkused. Otsekui läbi une kuulsin verdtarretama panevat rongi kiledat ja meeleheitlikku signaali ning Gerdi värisevat häält: ,,Oi.... kurat....” Naelutasin oma pilgu paremale ja ma seisin silmitsi pildiga, mida olen oma elu jooksul ebanormaalselt palju õudusunenägudes näinud: ma vaatasin jäätunud pilguga otsa kolmele eredale rongitulele, mis minu auto küljest maksimaalselt 100 m kaugusel olid ning kaelamurdva kiirusega lähemale sööstsid. Ülesõit kestis paar sekundit, ent selle aja jooksul ma taipasin, et meil on liiga suur käik nii väikse kiiruse jaoks, et gaasile tammudes kiiremini teelt saada. Samal ajal nägin ma, kuidas alles sel hetkel valgusfooris punased tuled vilkuma hakkasid ning täpselt siis, kui me üle raudtee saime, kihutas porgandoranž Elroni reisirong meist selja tagant mööda. Autos valitses vaikus. Gert korrutas veel paar korda ,,Kurat... tuled...ei põlenud...rongi ju ei paistnud....puud ja tänavalaternad...” ja minu peas keteras ainult see, kuidas ma olen terve elu paaniliselt ronge kartnud. Mu lapsepõlvesõber jäi 12-aastasena rongi alla ja hukkus, olen pealt näinud, kuidas väike tüdruk peaaegu rongi ette astus ja ma ei ole võimeline mitte kunagi jalakäijana enne rongi ülekäiku ületama enne, kui peatuses seisev rong on lahkunud. Ausalt. Ma võin seal perroonil kasvõi pool tundi oodata, aga mina enne rongi eest üle ei lähe. Ja see, mis eile juhtus... need kolm minu poole kihutavat rongituld olid täpselt samasugused nagu neis mitmetes õudusunenägudes, kus ma ikka ja jälle rongiõnnetusse satun.

Kõigepealt tahtis üle mu huulte tulla hüsteeritsevad naerupursked. Ma ei tea, miks. Ma ei lubanud endal naerma hakata ja siis hakkas reaalsus kohale jõudma ning mu peale laskus täiesti kohutav šokk. Mu käed värisesid, hing jäi kinni ja hääletud pisarad hakkasid voolama. Gert oli näost lumivalge, peatas auto ja me rahunesime koos maha. Edasist ma enam hästi ei mäleta, ent järgmisel hetkel olime juba Väike-Maarja surnuaias. Gert peatas auto, võttis mu sügavale kaissu. Sain sõnadeta aru, et ta tunneb end täiesti kohutavalt. Autos oli ju kogu ta pere ning juhina süüdistad sellises situatsioonis ju alati ennast. Me mõlemad oleme veendunud, et tuld fooris ei olnud. Ilmselt kirjutan Elronisse ja palun, et nad selle hetke kaamerast üle vaataks, kas tõesti oli foorituledes mingi viga.

Fakt on see, et miski pani eile käe vahele ja me pääsesime väga napilt üksnes ehmatusega. Nii lähedal surmale ei ole ma elus kunagi olnud. Oma sünnipäeval. Hingedepäeval. Lubasime, et proovime selle situatsiooni selja taha jätta ja olla tänulikud, et me täna siin, elus ja terved oleme, ent ma olen terve päev sellele mõelnud ja asjade üle juurelnud. Vaikselt kuidagi hakkab alles kõik kohale jõudma. Huvitav on aga see, et mul ei ole mingit ,,OMG ma olen elu üle nii tänulik, täielik valgustav kogemus, ma hakkan nüüd heaks inimeseks.” Ei. Pigem olen ma rahulikum ja... kindlam? Ma ei taha mitte midagi elus muuta või midagi teistmoodi tegema hakata. Kas see äkki näitab, et ma ajan õiget asja ning kõik, mida elus hetkel teen, on õige? Või pigem on äkki asi selles, et ma tean ja tunnen, et keegi mu üle valvab. Ja ma isegi tean, kes see *keegi* olla võib. Olen ta kaitset ja lähedust ka varem eluohtlikus õnnetuses tundnud ja mulle tundub, et ta on siiani veel minuga.

Olen alati sügavalt uskunud, et hingedepäeval on eriline aura, maagia ja võim ning  mul on eriline au olla just hingedepäeva skorpionineiu. Eilne igatahes tuletas mulle meelde, kuivõrd tõsi see tegelikult on.

Aitäh Sulle!

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Vegan Snickers Cake for my 32 birthday!

Recipe:

For the crust:

🍪400 g of digestive cookies

🍪4 1/2 tbsp of vegan butter or coconut oil

For the caramel:

🍮180 g dates, soaked in hot water for 10 minutes

🍮Few tsp water

🍮A dash of sea salt

For the Snickers cream:

🥜300g of natural firm tofu (not silken), broken into smaller chunks

🥜130g natural peanut butter

🥜60 ml maple syrup or agave nectar

🥜1 can of coconut cream (the thick part only)

For the glaze:

🍫170g dark chocolate

🍫80 ml almond, oat or other plant based milk 🍫Handful of salted, roasted peanuts

1) Prepare 18 cm round cake tin. Add baking sheet to the bottom of the tin and grease the sides with butter or oil. For the crust, crush the cookies. I used Nutribullet for my cookies, did the job very well. Then, add melted butter or oil and mix thoroughly. Press the crust to the bottom and use fingers or spoon to push up to the sides as well. Pop into the freezer until you preparer caramel

2) For the caramel, add soaked dates with few splashes of water and sea salt to the blender and blend until a smooth paste forms. Spread evenly to the cookie crust, to the bottom and sides as well. Pop again into the freezer until you prepare the cream

3) For the cream, blend together all the ingredients until a thick cream forms. I used nutribullet and since the consistency can be very thick and some blenders/food processors might have difficulties with it, what I did, is I made it in two batches and then just using spoon to mix it even in the bowl afterwards

4) Pour the cream into the cake tin and keep in the freezer for 30 minutes.

5) For the glaze, heat up the milk in sauce pan. Break chocolate into smaller chunks and pour over the hot milk. Mix until the chocolate is completely melted. Spread over the cake and decorate with salted peanuts. Keep in the fridge until cake has firmed up. Since the cream is quite thick, it will not take much time.

What I do, is I prepare the cake the night before and keep it in the deep freezer overnight. Then, few hours before serving, I keep it in regular fridge so it will be still firm but not frozen anymore.

#vegan #food photography #food #foodgasm #vegan food #veganism #comfort food #cake #Snickers #Snickers cake #chocolate #peanut butter #birthday #birthday cake

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Ready for cold nights!

#christmas cozy #cozy #red #winter #food #hot chocolate #socks #warm

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My time has come ♏

#november #Halloween #pumpkins #pumpkin #pumpkin carving #spooky #autumn #fall blog #fall #fall mood #bulletjournal #bullet journal #bujo #art