Awaking
I asked for a calm evening
When people will just let me be
So my brother proves yet again
That siblings sometimes just get you
And so here we are, in the living room
And Nik is playing a guitar
Practising and quietly singing.
The TV went on a sleeping mood
And showing a picture
Of a camp next to some lake.
And I am writing and debating
If I want to call a taxi
Or to crash here for a night.
It’s been so long since
The poetry flew so well me
So easily and unbothered.
Then again. It’s like my life
Went the full circle
And I’m again making
The first unsure steps
On a new road that
I can’t see properly.
I don’t know where it’ll take me
And for how long I’ll stay
On this road, uncertain
Of both future and present.
But something inside me waking
An almost forgotten sense of adventure
And deep down I know
That the road is my destiny
And those steps feel more
Like coming home than
Anything else.
20 August 2022
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Coming back
A bit of vodka
And orange juice
A stressful week
A calming evening
One brother, music
And a realisation
That life chose a
New turn and yet
Again everything is
Uncertain. Unclear.
Yet promising.
And apparently
That is exactly
What I needed
To start figuring
Out poetry again.
(It greets me as an old friend
Who was walking around far too long
And now they’re finally going back.)
20 august 2022
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Guitar lesson
A light sound of a guitar
A bit unsure for now
A bit too quiet and
Full of uncertain pauses.
A whisper of singing voice,
Practicing and caring more
About keeping up with a melody
Rather than its own beauty
Or rightness. A voice slowly
Turing into humming,
A simple practice, a short
Self-educating lesson
With a guitar and a phone
With a good friend as
An honoured listener
Of this first steps
Of someone’s music.
20 August 2022
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Im standing in front
Of a traffic light,
Patiently waiting
For a green light.
There are people next to me
Carefully watching cars
But once they're gone
(Even if our light
Is still red)
People start running
Hoping to get to
The other side
As soon as possible.
I'm still standing,
Isolated by my choice,
Following the rules
(And common sense
Because I honestly
Don't think it's worth it)
And wondering
Which one of us
Is an idiot.
(Life's been a lot
Like this traffic light
Lately)
5 April 2021
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Lonely artist
A lonely artist
Selling paintings
Both when it's sun
Or when it's raining.
You see him sitting
In the corner
With his sad hat
And dirty trenchcoat.
His paintings — small,
But full of life.
Yet no one wants
To give a look.
He's sharing
All his soul with you
But people just
Too scared to learn.
28 February 2021
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Someone's help
The words won't come
It's kinda funny.
They used to fly
Across my brain
Expressing worry,
Fears, joy..
Now it's silence.
Now I'm tired.
I can't, some days,
Get up and think.
I just exist
Like blank small space.
Not sure which
I might prefer -
Anoxious thoughts
Were scary too.
Sometimes I felt
Like it's a race
The one I can't
Win nor escape.
But this - apathy,
Lack of strengths,
I can do this.
Like I have fallen
But haven't raised.
I try to say
That I need help
But they insist
I can do this.
P.S.: So, tell me, friend,
How to explain
That yes, I can.
With someone's help.
3 Sep 2020
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Phone that’s almost dead
20%,
20 percent,
Like a phone
That is almost dead.
So you put it to charge
And wait for it
To re build its energy
But then you need something
So you take it
And it’s a bit alive
And ready to help
With all 20%
That it has.
But then it gives
Everything
And is almost dead
Again,
So you put it to charge
And the history
Repeats itself
Around this
20 percent.
That’s how I feel
These days
Like a phone
That can’t chagre
For more than
20 percent.
13 June 2020
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Rumpelstiltskin
They tell me not to trust
His gentle touches
And not to listen
To his sweet words.
They tell me that
He’s dangerous
And that his reputation
Terrifies even the worst.
It’s not that I’m
A naive girl
Who believes that
They don’t know the
Real him that I see.
I know the truth.
I know he can be cruel
And that he’s done
Something unforgivable.
But I also know he
Cares about me,
Against all odds,
And that he’s trying to change.
It’s not about him after all.
His past and his crimes
Are part of him and
When time comes
He’ll be answering
And letting others
To decide his fate.
It is, however, about me.
How he makes me feel -—
About myself, about the world,
About life and everything in between.
He teaches me, leads me
Not to follow his steps
But to think, to stand for myself.
He is teaching me to live.
I used to feel small, unimportant,
Invisible and easily forgotten.
He shows me that I
Can be someone’s treasure,
Someone’s happy moments.
He smiles proudly
When I speak my mind
And cheers when I win.
He might be a Rumpelstiltskin
Everyone believes he is,
But he makes me feel
Like I’m straw turned to gold,
Like I was worthy all along
Even when no one saw it.
And just for that
I’ll forgive him anything.
14 May 2020
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Forgive yourself
Forgive yourself
For being stupid,
For being stubborn,
For not knowing.
Forgive yourself
For being mean,
For trying hard,
For bad behavior.
Forgive yourself
For all those times
You’ve tried to protect
Your bleeding heart.
Forgive yourself
For being young
When you were
Somewhat not enough,
Forgive yourself,
Accept mistakes -
You’ve learnt from them,
You’ve changed yourself.
Embrace this, see it
And forgive.
We all deserve
To be forgiven.
14 May 2020
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How to love
How is it, to love
And to be loved in return
So fiercely, so passionately
That you actually believe
That you’d move the mountains
Just for each other?
How is it, to look at the stars
And to know deep down that
Someone is looking at them too
And thinking of you?
How is it, to trust, to know,
To be willing to open up
And share every dream
And long-forgotten
Embarrassing stories?
How is it, not to be afraid of love,
To welcome it with a hug
And a playful smile
And fall in the warmth
Of familiar eyes
And forget that there were times
When you didn’t know what it’s like?
7 May 2020
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Kind words for a bad day
There are days when
Life seems hard, much darker
Than any of us would like.
With no hope or light or smile
And you just want to, well,
Give up. Throw it all away,
Because why not? What’s the point
When you are feeling so
Exhausted?
But stop. And think.
Remember
What you’ve done and
What you’ve been through.
How far you’ve come,
How big you’ve made it.
We like to criticise ourselves,
Focus on bad, ignore the good
But the irony of life is that
For others, it’s the exact opposite:
They do remember all the greatness,
They are more tolerant of mistakes.
They think of you with a warm smile
Grateful for lessons, talks, support
That you’ve been giving them so long.
They don’t care what your demons say
They just hope you’ll feel great again.
We all have bad days, even awful
Don’t feel embarrassed or ashamed
Don’t blame yourself for being weak
We’ve all been here, more than once
And you’ve been there then for us.
So here we are, returning the favour
Giving kind word on this bad day.
8 March 2020
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Birthday Message to Myself
Hello, world, how are you now?
About an hour ago
I’ve turned 23.
That’s quite surprising.
I’ve never cared for the numbers,
But here we are. There'll be a party.
It feels important,
It’s a crossroad.
I’ve done so much
And yet look forward.
It’s like the road of fate is mine:
I am deciding when to run.
(I know that I want to run,
Just need let go of the past).
There are some memories,
Not nice,
About falling, coming last,
About stones that wait for me,
About people who are mean.
I choose to ignore them,
There’ll be more.
But there’ll be more
Of pleasant moments,
There will be friends
And maybe romance,
There will be road
Of opportunities
And happy smiles,
And cheers, and glory.
There is a beauty of
Yin and Yang,
The balance of the
Black and white.
You can’t just win
If you choose easy,
So here I am
Making my wishes:
I wish to learn
Accept what’ll come,
Have faith that I’ll
Achieve my goals.
But more importantly
I hope
That I won’t stop
Running this road
6 March 2020
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A Plot on your plate
Red wine and Italian food
And the lines are flying through you.
I am trying to eat, can't you wait,
Fantasies?
But they are here to paint
On your plate, if they will.
They take creamy cheese
To create frozen lands
Then mix it with greens
To fulfil the hero's quest.
With a drop of red wine
They'll create the main battle
And the gold of the chicken
Will become the king's crown.
Somehow just within
Only ten minutes
You have a plot of the book
Running, waiting for details.
That's all great and incredible,
Very impressive
But I still want to eat
Will you give me a minute?
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The Art Cafe
I love this
Unjudging atmosphere
Of small cafes,
Where everyone
Has a laptop
Next to a cup of coffee —
Or tea, all accepted —
And half of the people
Wearing headphones,
Even if there is
Music playing.
They all work together
On individual projects
Distractively eating
Something, mostly to avoid
A worrying barista’s eye
Because they’ve been watching
How you sit there for hours.
Everyone is free here,
Sometimes staring at nothing
Getting lost in the thoughts,
Sometimes chatting with friends,
Mostly typing in a hurry
To catch the idea before
It runs away somewhere far
Far away...wait, that’s already
Been somewhere. Let’s create
Something new but equally
Beautiful,
Captivating,
Meaningful.
We turn around,
Looking for a supportive nod
And somehow
It’s always here
(Usually from the same barista
Who you know will come soon
To suggest you eat something,
Because they know you’ve been here
All day and haven’t had anything,
And no, coffee doesn’t count).
So you come back here
Over and over
To keep believing
And keep working
Hoping that one day
Our dreams will
Come true.
And for now,
Can I please have a coffee
And alright. A biscuit too.
4 March 2020
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Insecure Genius
It’s probably difficult
To live with someone
Who is a genius but
Doesn’t believe in themselves.
And you watch them
Create something beautiful
And yet doubt themselves
Constantly.
16 February 2020
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A Pirate Mark (to my brother)
A pirate mark
On bare hand
So random
At the kitchen’s light
With modern t-shirts,
Phones and dishes,
It’s so out of the picture,
Like old reality,
Still breathing
Through time and space,
Through reincarnation.
It looks so out,
And yet so right,
Like a wave from past,
Like your old life
Finding a way
To reappear
In films, reminding
You were there.
You might be young,
Confused and lost,
But here’s the mark
To guide you through.
16 February 2020
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Orange
Orange.
Going close
To yellow.
It’s almost
Art in tall
Old glass.
It’s funny —
Evening. Glasses.
They talk about
Life and husbands,
And here I am
So off from time,
Thinking about
Juicy colours
And how they
Look in tall
Old glasses.
16 February 2020
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