fuckmessier16

[fuckmessier16]

[fuckmessier16]

Yeah, im depressed and tored of being depressed

And im still sonee, more than a thousand days now

Ive been doing stuff like cleaning the house, making food, going to gym, but i dont have the strenght to do more, like to search for a job lol

#mine #depresion #depressive

[fuckmessier16]

THE CAVITY AND THE WOUND; THE OPENING AND THE EYE; THE CYCLE AND THE ANOMALY

[fuckmessier16]

[fuckmessier16]

Fhf

#garotanemo

[fuckmessier16]

sense(less) of self

[fuckmessier16]

[fuckmessier16]

Are you still gonna love me when I become a stressed wife exhausted from college, work and houseworking?

[fuckmessier16]

Yesterday i read that kinds start to think in a similar way as adults when they 5-8 years old.

I passed through an accident when i was 5. 2 weeks after my birthday i put my hand where i shouldn't and lost 4 fingers there. I never blamed me, but i see myself as responsible for that, because i made the choice of putting my hand there.

And thinking about that, i was remembering that i used to feel like a failure human being, searching for "im 25 years old and never had a job", because i felt useless and old and tried to feel less bad about my situation.

And everyday now i think about the assaults i passed through. That i could blame other people, not only me. Well, i dont really believe on that. If i did stuff to trigger me on sexual context, it's because i wanted to, i choose that.

This is boring

I was listening to my mother in law talking about her abusive ex. Of course i see her in casual moments, but i compared me to how i project her.

I cry almost every time i masturbate. I get anxiety attacks when i try to have sex and i feel weak for that, i feel weak for feeling like that. I've been assaulted like 6 times and i feel weak for hacing anxiety attacks.

I have so much of empathy. A fucking guy showed me his dick on a dark empty street and i think "oh, maybe he is a voyeuristic and didnt want to make me cry".

My boyfriend who STEALTHED ME IS SLEEPING ABOVE ME RIGHT NOW.

I saw on instagram today that the BARE MINIMUM you should expect from something is, besides other stuff, is to have your sexual boundaries respect. I dont believe this is the bare minimum. All of the 3 guys i once dated assaulted me in some way.

Am i dumb? Am i dumb for planning to live with Frog (actual boyfriend)? I know i am. I know i am. I know.

[fuckmessier16]

I wish I could have sex with my boyfriend Frog without getting triggered and anxious.

Last time we had sex it was all romantic, he was like "can you feel it inside you?" And i cried, had an anxiety attack. Sad.

He says he worry, but doesnt mind if we stop for me to cry. But i dont trust it, also i hate that.

The past few days i've been thinking about kissing all his body and stuff, but im afraid i'll cry again.

Since february 17 we had sex 3 times, i cried twice

I really compare me to him, i never told him this because its awful, but he had been abused when he was younger and he is fine with sex (sometimes he dont get hard and gets frustrated about it, idk), the only mental illness (idk if its a mental illness or another word, whatever) adhd.

And i cry all the time

[fuckmessier16]

Sometimes i think that if i'd died when i tried to, i would have just prevented 2 cases of sexual abuse :)

[fuckmessier16]

I dont understand how is possible for a girl to never experience sexual assault. How a girl can never experience sexual assat with her partners.

All my boyfriends already assaulted me. Everyday i wonder if I should break up witj Frog. At thr same time i feel like all my future male partners would assault me too, so at least Frog knows that what he did was wrong.

Some days ago I was reading some comments on a video about sexual assault, they were on these lines: "my brother was sexual assaulted and now he is addicted to heroin", "i was raped and i tried to kill myself", like the abuse makes them sick of the head.

Okay that i think i have depression because i have 4 fingers amputated, but....... I cry during sex almost everytime try to have sex.

Im 645 days sober, im an alcoholic. Sex makes me anxious,before getting sober, i would only have sex blackout drunk. Now i cry.

Part of the anxious part is because i was extra destructive when i was all alone in my room in 2019. And now sex is a trigger.

Can i say "i was abused 6 times, that's why sex triggers me"?.

It's weird writing this.

Today i was talking about this to my friend, i told her about a situation and she used the word "molestation". It's weird having those things associated with me.

I want to talk about abuse a lot, but i dont wanna bother.

It's rare, but since my boyfriend stealthed me, i've been having suicidal thoughts. Can i blame him? Can i blame everyone who already assaulted me?

#sexual assault #rape #alcoholism

[fuckmessier16]

Patrick Alston - Double Consciousness #03, 2023

[fuckmessier16]

[fuckmessier16]

Words from 5AM by EX:RE sewn onto fabric

[fuckmessier16]

life is so much better when u stop hyperanalysing urself and realise u can’t hate urself into being better u just have to accept ur a lil weird n fucked up slightly but it’s not that deep just live

[fuckmessier16]