On all levels except physical, I AM Gigantamax Pikachu
Lol what if during your drunken stumbling along the beach you briefly saw me standing knee deep in the water, bloated and pale and covered in barnacles but staring right at you with cold, malevolent eyes? And then u blinked and I was gone… Hahaha jk… 😝🤭🙈
… Unless? 👀👀
There’s just something so sexy about being lost at sea, with no clues to your whereabouts save for a waterlogged journal containing oblique references to horrors in the water, and what could either be the cry of gulls or a person’s haunted screams echoing distantly offshore
historical text: contains the word “urinomancy”
rational brain: This is the medieval word for the medical evaluation of urine, which was an important source of information before the era of modern medical tests.
me, beating my fists on the table: PISS WIZARD PISS WIZARD PISS WIZARD PISS WIZARD PISS WIZARD PISS WIZARD PISS WIZARD
You, an edgy mall goth: Personal Jesus by Marilyn Manson
Me: an even edgier mall goth: Personal Jesus by Mindless Self Indulgence
Me, a cowgoth: Personal Jesus by Johnny Cash
Me, a gay cowgoth: Personal Jesus by Depeche Mode
don’t worry, i’ve compiled at least 121 distinct and discrete personal jesuses so no one else has to
there are over 7 billion people on this planet which means approximately 58 million people have to share a “personal” jesus. what a fucking scam.
“we’re going to get nasty letters saying ‘where’s my personal jesus?’ ‘why don’t i have a personal jesus?’”
my partner: i hope you’re doing well
me: i just stubbed my toe and screamed out loud
my partner: i’m glad my hopes are for naught
having immigrant parents means learning to translate legal documents at the tender age of The Instant You Learn How To Read Chapter Books
you read books? what are you, an idiot? a baby? some kind of fool?