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Someone Blazed this so might as well reblog and also let me know if you guys would want to see a full book based on this concept! I started re-reading and immediately saw a vision of a 50-60,000 word novel of these two dumbasses.

Three Conditions -- Original Story

A/N: Finally posting some of my original writing after centuries of not doing so! This is from a college writing class of mine so I hope you enjoy!

Summary: Randy is being forced, by his very famous mother, to attend a fashion gala where he's Absolutely Certain to run into his toxic ex-girlfriend. He can't not attend which means he has only one option: he needs a fake partner.

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Three Conditions

Finishing up his rather long-winded and rambling explanation and plea for help, Randy focused on keeping calm as he took a sip of his drink in the silence that followed. “So,” he finally said. “What do you say?”

Alex, one of his closest friends that had stood by his side for the hell that was his college years, laughed. Randy resisted the urge to end the phone call there and then. He didn’t bother to resist the urge to down half his drink in one go, though.

“So- So, okay, let me get this right. Your mom is forcing you to attend some rich person ball and you need a fake girlfriend or boyfriend to get through the night so you don’t get proposed to? Seriously?”

“Gala,” Randy stressed, absolutely certain the silence that followed was judgemental as all hell. “Alex. My mother is a fashion designer icon and this gala is essentially a who’s who of those in the industry. And as archaic and insane as it is, it’s also the perfect opportunity for about a dozen families to push their children at me and hope a marriage comes out of it.”

“It’s about time for you to settle down, you’re getting up there in years, after all, and you’ll need someone to take care of you-”

“I am twenty-five, you are an asshole, and you are also my last chance. Andy already said no because he’s out-of-state still for the next week, Novan told me to go fuck myself, Luna laughed in my face, and Lizzy… Lizzy was a little too excited about the idea.”

“So I’m your fifth choice, huh? You really know how to flatter a girl, Randy.” His bad. That- Yeah. That was his bad. “Before I crush all of your cliche rom-com hopes and dreams, what’s the real reason you need a fake date for this thing? Avoiding marriage proposals is a little too big a lie even for you, bud.”

“Yeah… that’s what all the others said, too,” Randy groaned, raising his hand for another drink and ignoring the slightly judgemental look the bartender gave him. So what if he was sad and alone and on his phone with a drink? That didn’t mean his life was miserable! He did make sure to pay for that drink and his previous, though, to lessen the glaring. “I really do have to go, especially with how much I help with designs now, but… Tabby’s going to be there.”

A sharp hiss of breath crackled over the phone, Randy feeling the sympathy through the phone. “Crazy ex Tabby who tried to control you like a dog and then said you were only on a break after you dumped her?” Randy figured his silence spoke enough for him. “Damn. I’m sorry, Randy, I- I have work that night, and the bitch manager is on duty so if I try to flake I’ll risk this job.”

Randy groaned, trying to make it pained and dramatic and hating that a little bit of his hopelessness was genuine. “Can’t I just pay you off? Come on, this is basically one of your novels come to life!”

Alex started saying something, but it could have been in another language for how little Randy was focused on the words. Instead he was focused on the young woman who took a seat next to him at the bar and gave him a serious look with a tinge of desperation before saying, “I need you to pretend to be my boyfriend for the next three to five minutes.”

“Uh…” Hm. It was New York. He was in New York and this was a New York bar. This wasn’t even the strangest thing to happen to Randy that day. “Sure? Alex, I’ll call you back as soon as I can, I need to go play white knight.” Hanging up and ignoring the shouting and complaining, Randy felt two hands wrap around his arm.

“Cool, I’m Sage Ashton, twenty-one, we started dating six months ago, we’re taking things slow, but it’s starting to get serious between us and we’re thinking we might move in together in the next few months.”

At least three of his friends would be yelling at him to turn around and get himself out of the situation he now found himself in, Randy mused. On any other day he probably might have, but considering Randy was trying to do the same thing she was of finding a fake partner, he couldn’t exactly go around throwing stones at glass houses and all that. Plus, when he had agreed, there had been a lot of relief in her expression.

“Randy Beaumont,” he finally said, deciding he’d deal with whatever consequences came later. Besides, it wasn’t the first time he played pretend boyfriend to a scared person in a bar. “Twenty-five. We started talking about moving in a couple weeks ago and we’re even looking at possibly getting a cat together.” The dazzling and relieved smile he was given came a few seconds before the shout of her name.

“Sage! I’ve been looking everywhere for you!” A man probably somewhere between their ages came up to the bar and leaned in on Sage’s other side, two other guys hanging a few feet back before awkwardly moving to order drinks. “Come on, baby, you know I wasn’t serious, right?” His gaze trailed to Randy, a frown appearing. “New friend?”

“New partner,” Sage said firmly, leaning back into Randy and wrinkling her nose. Going by the slightly glazed look in the guy’s eyes, he had already been at the bar for a few hours, at least. “And I thought I remember telling you this conversation was over months ago.” Ah, right, Randy and her had been ‘dating’ for six months. “Randy, this is Jake. He’s… someone I don’t talk to anymore.”

“How long has this been going on for?” Jake smirked, looking like he was about to catch them in a lie as he kept his gaze focused on Randy. Personally, Randy thought he did a great job of raising his eyebrows and looking a mix of disdainful and annoyed.

“‘Bout six months,” Randy said with a convincing glare, using the grip Sage had on his arm to pull her closer, ‘lowering’ his voice. “Do you wanna get out of here?”

Before Sage could answer, Jake was raising his voice, “Six months! So what, you left me and then had someone waiting in line for you! Or was he there before you walked out-”

“On you and Jessica having the time of your lives on my bed?” Oh. Oh, damn. That was… no wonder she had wanted a fake boyfriend as backup. “I wasn’t the one cheating, Jake. Besides, I met Randy a week after that.”

“Mutual friend set us up, in case it actually matters to you,” Randy said, really selling the story. He hoped so, at least. “C’mon, let’s get out of here, hun.” Standing up, Randy threw a couple bills down for a tip and to cover any of Sage’s possible drinks before he was placing an arm around her waist lightly and tugging her along. When it looked like Jake was about to say something no doubt degrading, Randy stood up straighter and narrowed his eyes. “What.”

“Bitch,” Jake muttered, acting as if he had gotten the last word in before slinking off to re-join the two others he had walked over with.

As soon as they were outside and on the sidewalk, Randy removed his arm and smiled at Sage, “Sorry if any of that was uncomfortable.”

“No worries,” Sage beamed, looking a lot more relieved once outside. “Jake’s not really, you know, violent, but… seeing him at a bar drunk with his brother and idiot best friend? Better safe than sorry, you know? You looked like you could throw a punch, at least.”

“I have been in my fair share of bar brawls,” Randy nodded, going for wise elder and probably hitting annoying considering the jab he got to his side. “Seriously, do you need help or to talk to the police or anything? Any stalking from him?”

“Just bad luck,” Sage shook her head, giving him a smile. “Thanks for the worry, though. But, no, I was about to move when that whole thing went down anyways, so, you know. He doesn’t even know where I live. I’ll now be changing bars, too, so with luck on my side and the enormity that is New York, I should be just fine. Shall we now break up and go our separate ways? I can even throw in some crying, if you want, or screaming to make you really look good.”

“But how would my heart ever heal?” Randy asked, placing a hand over his chest and grinning at Sage’s laugh that definitely seemed to have taken her by surprise. For someone who had grabbed him in a bar and asked him to be a pretend boyfriend, she wasn’t half bad. In fact… he just had an idea. “Actually, my wonderful pretend girlfriend, while we’re on the subject of needing fake partners…”

Sage didn’t miss a beat for even a moment, instead starting to grin, “Yeah? Need me to scare off a crazy ex-girlfriend who can’t let you go because you’re soulmates?” Oh, Randy was definitely going to get Sage’s number after this. It was like talking to himself only with more sarcasm and attitude.

“Honestly? You hit the nail on the head. Plus, if you say yes, it actually might be one of your top weirdest New York experiences.” A fake boyfriend for five minutes was a lot less to ask than an entire night as a fake girlfriend at a fashion gala.

Sage didn’t respond right away, which was relieving in a way, and instead simply stared at him as if she was trying to figure him out. It felt like a couple of years before she finally nodded and asked, “Are you hungry?”

“I could eat.” Rolling with the punches seemed to be the best way to navigate a conversation with Sage from what he could tell so far. It was like improv only with less comedy. Probably.

“Good. It’s a fast food kind of day. Let’s go get dinner.” Sage bumped their shoulders together, giving a grin. “You can give me your pitch as we’re walking.”

Thankfully, it was New York and they were in the Lower East Side of Manhattan. There were fast food places everywhere. Even more thankfully, Randy was done explaining about the situation by the time they had their food in front of them — the real one, and not the fake marriage proposal one.

“So.” Sage finished sprinkling three packets of salt over her fries before starting to eat them, Randy watching in a mixture of fascination and horror. “You need a fake partner to go to this fashion gala with you since you’ll almost definitely be running into an insane ex-girlfriend who wants to own and control you like a poodle.”

“That covers all the major points of it, at least,” Randy nodded, not even surprised when Sage took a sip of his drink before drinking from hers and then swapping them. He supposed he would be drinking Coke instead of Sprite. “I’d offer to pay you, but that makes it sound like something vaguely illegal is happening.”

“As opposed to you living out a fanfiction trope used by fourteen-year-olds just learning to write gay fanfiction.” Sage decimated a quarter of her fries before Randy found his voice again because that description had been horrifyingly beautiful — and accurate.

“Moving on.” Yeah. Okay. He deserved the laugh to his face on that one. “I really am out of options. All of my friends are either working, out-of-state, or don’t feel comfortable enough to go. But this is also a voluntary experience. You can opt-out at any time.”

“Is this conversation being recorded for training purposes?” Ah, the sass never stopped. Randy hated how much fun he was having. “Alright, more seriously, I’m… not totally against it. I guess I do kind of owe you after the whole Jake thing.”

“That was a debt-free fake-boyfriend event,” Randy said, shaking his head when Sage looked ready to argue. “No, seriously. I know how that kind of thing goes, and I’d rather play boyfriend to someone actually decent than have you end up in a bad situation, especially when you’re on your own in a bar.”

Sage was quiet and Randy was starting to think he had offended her or had gone too far before she placed a hand to her chest. “Randy… I think I’m ready to move in with you.” Randy wasn’t even done laughing before she broke and laughed herself. “Seriously, though, I’m not against it. Attending a fancy party with free food and getting the chance to piss off some rich jerks? I’m in — but on three conditions!”

“Name them,” Randy said at once, not at all caring how desperate he came across because, well. He really was desperate. He needed to be at that gala, both to support his mother and to start making his own name in the industry. The idea of running into Tabby, though… he had barely managed to scrape together the courage to leave her the first time. She knew just what to say to tear him down and keep him under her heel and he’d rather avoid re-living and going through more emotional abuse if he could.

“Alright, condition number one, I get to take my own transport there. I am not showing up in some damn limo or fancy looking car. I have standards, Randy.” Sage grinned, Randy feeling the tension drain out of him as he relaxed. “Two, I’m not going to kiss you or anything just to fool some rich snobs. My emotions are far too delicate for such a thing like that.”

“Oh, absolutely,” Randy nodded quickly, trying to hide his smile behind his drink as Sage ‘glared’ at him. She then stuffed another handful of fries in her mouth and looked more like a chipmunk than anything until she swallowed.

“Three — the last and most important one.” Sage looked solemn, but Randy wasn’t willing to buy it quite yet. “We are not going to be a trope, Randy.” Sage didn’t even pause at his laughter, instead talking over him. “I’m serious! We’re not going to fall in love and get together and have 2.5 kids and a white picket fence and- Hang on. We’re in New York. Right. We’re not going to fall in love and move into a two-bedroom apartment with our rescue cat!”

Randy was still laughing even as he held out his hand, Sage clasping it firmly with a grin. “Sage Ashton, I agree to your terms.”

“Then Randy Beaumont, I’ll see you tomorrow night.”

***

Adjusting his outfit and doing last checks for the fifth time in the rearview mirror, Randy continued speaking towards the call he had going. “Yes, Mama, I’m on my way there now. Remember, Sage and I are madly in love and you’re looking forward to your future daughter-in-law joining the business.”

“Where did these dramatics come from? I know they couldn’t have come from me.” Ha. This from the woman who convinced three models to quit at a rival’s fashion show and then gleefully took credit for it. “Will my future daughter-in-law that you met while playing hero be dressed appropriately, at least?”

“Mama, please, there’s no need to insult me. I managed to tailor some spares I had while working on the Spring collection.”

“Premaire or Coupled?” More smug at the question than he probably should have been, Randy thought back to when he had invited Sage over the day before the gala to try on outfits to find something for the ball. It had been a fun afternoon teaching her about fashion, the industry at large, matching and combining fabrics, and creating something entirely new for her to wear — as well as something that would match his own outfit.

“The silk-lined plum chiffon blouse from Premaire and the combined wool leggings and skirt in black from Coupled. Also threw in the boots from the Fall Lessons collection.”

The sound of clapping over the line had him beaming, “Bravo! That’s my boy! Some excellent choices and I look forward to seeing them in person! Hopefully my future daughter-in-law fits the clothes?” Ah, she was so protective.

“Trust me, Mama, I think you’ll actually like her. She’s… fun. Nice. I think I might actually see if we can be friends after this. Some of the others would love to meet her.”

“Mm…” Oh, he did not like that teasing, knowing hum of hers. “I’ll be sure to expect us to see a lot more of my future daughter-in-law, then.”

“Now, hold on a minute there, that doesn’t mean-”

“Ta, darling, I’ll see you soon!”

The call ended before his phone switched back over to his music, Randy suddenly finding the whole ‘daughter-in-law’ joke a lot less funny after that last comment. Honestly. Years of trying and still he couldn’t get the last word in when it came to his mother.

At least traffic was actually decent for once, Randy making good time even with him seemingly hitting every red light in the state- Oh. Now that was interesting. Randy was eighty percent sure he was seeing Sage come out of an apartment complex. He wasn’t absolutely sure, considering the distance, but chances were good considering the woman who had just come out was dressed up in the outfit he had tailored and put together along with make-up done to absolute perfection and curled, wavy hair that was woven and braided in around a headband with a black and gold butterfly on the top.

Ah, well, even if he was wrong people had heard weirder shouted out to them from cars with their windows rolled down. “So how firm was that first condition,” he shouted, grinning as the woman jumped and looked over at him, expression blank before it became angry as heeled boots started stomping towards his car and oh, yes, that was definitely Sage.

The light turned green just as Sage finished sliding into the car and shut the door behind her, Randy doing his best to not laugh as Sage ‘glared’ at him. It was more like a pout, if anything, and even that was stretching it. “Randy Beaumont, you are on thin ice right now.”

“I’m sorry, but we’re still five miles away and do you really want to step on public transit dressed like that when it’s getting to be night?”

“You sound like my dad,” Sage huffed, Randy seeing what was coming the second realization sparked in her eyes and a smile started growing.

“No- No, no, don’t-”

“Does this mean I get to call you Daddy?”

“Get out of my car right now. I'd rather deal with the emotional trauma.”

Randy couldn’t even try to be angry as Sage laughed loud and bright, almost bent over with the force of her laughter. Honestly, it was a sight that put him at ease and made him think that the gala wouldn’t be near as bad as he was expecting.

It was a shame that he had forgotten that God hated him and cursed his existence each day he managed to survive.

While the ride to the gala had been delightful, and the first half hour had actually been fun with the low, scathing commentary Sage happily whispered to him about everyone they saw, the current moment he had managed to find himself trapped in was a moment from hell. Of course it had been just as Sage had left to hit the bathroom.

“Really, Randall? You hired someone to pretend to be your girlfriend just to avoid me? I’m almost hurt.” Tabitha Fields smiled beautifully and coldly, dressed beautifully in shades of red and gold, and Randy felt like he had swallowed ice. He didn’t like the fact that she had obviously been watching him and had waited for him to be alone. “Darling, when are you going to quit all this fuss and stop running away from me?”

“I didn’t run away from you, Tabby,” Randy said firmly, the words feeling like a lie. “I left you. I also didn’t hire anyone to be my girlfriend. Sage is here of her own free will.”

“I doubt that. It couldn’t be more obvious that she doesn’t belong here, darling,” Tabby laughed, bright and sweet and one of the first things Randy had fallen in love with. “Baby, don’t you think it’s time for our break to end? I promise I won’t even be upset with you.”

“I-”

“Last I heard he had dumped you!” The warm, happy look in Tabby’s eyes went cold and flat like he had last remembered, Randy taking a breath as Sage wrapped her hands around his arm and leaned in close to him. “You must be Tabby! I’m Sage Ashton, Randy’s girlfriend. A shame Randy didn’t manage to fully convey how much of a bitch you are, though.”

Tabby stared and Randy couldn’t blame her because, well… people normally didn’t just come out and call someone they just met a bitch. Especially not at a fancy fashion gala where the average outfit cost more than a year’s worth of salary for some people. Sage, he was starting to fully realize, wasn’t exactly someone normal. He was… surprisingly okay with that. Besides, Tabby deserved it. “I beg your pardon-”

“Then beg,” Sage said cheerfully, Randy shaking as he tried to hold in laughter because that- Who went up to people they didn’t know and said those things? “Sorry, I’m just a dumb little commoner around here, you know, I don’t know all these fancy unspoken rules and regulations. All I know is how to spot an abusive bitch.”

Tabby’s expression had changed to something more suited to an apocalyptic rage, Randy swallowing and tugging Sage closer to him, who only laughed. “Easy, Tabby, easy. See, right now I’m smiling and laughing, but you’re looking more and more angry. If you were to break and start yelling, and I went from smiling to crying, what do you think that would do to your reputation?”

Randy felt himself freeze the same moment Tabby did and oh… Sage was brilliant. At a gala like this, where so many people in the industry were as well as reporters? None of them could afford to make a scene. Part of why Randy had been so scared of coming alone was that he knew he couldn’t make a scene against Tabby without bringing negative repercussions to himself and his mother’s business.

“The beautiful, composed Fields heiress yelling and insulting the sweet, starry-eyed girlfriend of Randall Beaumont? It’d look pretty bad for you, I think.” Huh. Randy hadn’t thought Sage had been paying attention when he had started rambling about the political and reputation side of the fashion industry. “So, why don’t we just smile and go our separate ways and avoid each other for the rest of the night?

“Oh, and Tabby? One more thing, before I forget.” A hand cupped his cheek and Randy realized what was happening a second before lips were connecting with his. He had expected a quick brush, something similar to what was done for a play or a joke, but instead he got a kiss. He did his best to relax and make it feel like it was something natural, something they had done before a hundred times, at least. He was… a little scared, actually, of how easy that was to do.

When Sage finally pulled back from where she had been leaning up and huh, apparently Sage, even in boots with a heel of three inches, had to lean up to kiss him. That was a detail he hadn’t thought he’d need to know, but there it was. He should probably focus on what Sage and Tabby were saying, no doubt making enemies of each other and Tabby threatening to bring Beaumont Fashions down, but Randy couldn’t drag his focus away from how nice of a kiss that had been.

It wasn’t steamy, or overwhelming, or some true love’s kiss, but it had been- It had been nice. It felt like something soft and familiar. It wasn’t just that, either, but Sage seemed to be soft and familiar around him. Even as they were surrounded in an environment where she had to pretend to be in love with someone she had essentially just met, she was relaxed. She had been joking with him and teasing him and acting as if she had known him for years. It felt like they had known each other for years. She was leaning into his side and tangling her fingers with his and-

“Randy.” Snapping to attention, Randy realized Tabby had left and Sage was grinning up at him like he was an idiot. He was very quickly becoming alright with that. “As I was saying, your personalized demon from hell just left. Maybe we should introduce her to Jake. They can be toxic assholes together! At least, I’m assuming she was toxic going by what you’ve told me and how terrified you looked there when I came back.”

“I-” Right. Get it together, Beaumont. “Yeah. That’s pretty close to it, at least. Bad parting. And relationship. Um, about the… the-”

“Yeah,” Sage nodded, playfully glaring at him again. “That’s two conditions broken, Beaumont. Don’t think I’m not keeping track.”

“Wouldn’t dream of it,” Randy managed to respond in a tone that was probably normal, not even fighting it as Sage dragged him over towards the table where his mother was sitting and yeah… Yeah. His life had definitely become the manuscript of a romantic comedy.

That made him feel kind of alright with how he was about to break condition number three.

#my og writing #original #absolutely loved writing this it was for a writing class #much better than the first draft lmao

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