livcly

[livcly]

@thrustfists

“two thoughts, equally as terrifying: WHAT IF I SEE YOU AGAIN? WHAT IF I DON’T?”

— Untitled, Margaret Schnabel (via starrymar)

#˗ˏˋ i am caught in between who i am and who i’m supposed to be ━━ izzy andrews. ˎˊ˗ #izzy and katherine

[livcly]

thrustfists‌:

Kathy’s throat feels STICKY, her mind fuzzy. this is so .. STRANGE. the image and memories of her mother had been put in a locked box in the furthest corner of her mind, never touched, the key long gone. almost forgotten about for all these years. She doesn’t feel angry, which surprises her, no, the anger went years ago, the bitterness disintegrated. ‘‘ how did you - how did you find me? ’’ she finally manages, unable to process everything else the woman is saying.

izzy can’t help but stare, eyes searching her daughters face. “i- i asked your cousin georgia. she told me where you live. i had to. i couldn’t go any longer without seeing you,” izzy said. “it’s been too long.” she shifts. she’s not sure if she should close the distance between them with a hug, if she can. the space between them is tangible. “i saw douglas,” she says. “he told me where you work.”

#˗ˏˋ i am caught in between who i am and who i’m supposed to be ━━ izzy andrews. ˎˊ˗ #˗ˏˋ i’ve become so cynical these days ━━ threads. ˎˊ˗

[livcly]

Children under, say, ten, shouldn’t know that the universe is ever-expanding, inexorably pushing into the vacuum, galaxies swallowed by galaxies, whole solar systems collapsing, all of it acted out in silence. At ten we are still learning the rules of cartoon animation, that if a man draws a door on a rock only he can pass through it. Anyone else who tries will crash into the rock. Ten-year-olds should stick with burning houses, car wrecks, ships going down – earthbound, tangible disasters, arenas where they can be heroes. You can run back into a burning house, sinking ships have lifeboats, the trucks will come with their ladders, if you jump you will be saved. A child places her hand on the roof of a schoolbus, & drives across a city of sand. She knows the exact spot it will skid, at which point the bridge will give, who will swim to safety & who will be pulled under by sharks. She will learn that if a man runs off the edge of a cliff he will not fall until he notices his mistake.

Nick Flynn (via forherbyhim)

#˗ˏˋ i’m a big boy now and i’m very scary ━━ caleb turner. ˎˊ˗ #this is my ultimate caleb muse poem

[livcly]

thrustfists‌:

“I know ” she whispers, eyes still on the ground. That’s all they all want, to protect each other, and she knows that’s the reason they’re all still here, the reason Josh came back, the reason they put up with it. They need each other. 

it takes her a moment to process his words. And for a split second, she considers that maybe it could work, maybe they would do something. But then she thinks about the countless CPS visits, the hospital trips, everyone else who has seen or heard things but turned a blind eye, even if it was subconsciously. ‘‘ it won’t..she won’t, Caleb. you know that she won’t leave him. Roo won’t leave him. ’’ Panic begins to rise again in her chest, her throat feels like it’s closing up. She needs to stand up, she needs to ger out. ‘‘ no - stop – you can’t, they’ll come and we’ll be taken away and .. and separated … I can’t -  and Theo, what about Theo? he won’t survive in care, and Mila won’t even .. she’ll forget who we are she won’t .. we can’t. we can’t Caleb. ’’ sure, the police had come before, but it’s always been because of red flags being waved from the outside, nothing from the inside. nothing from the victims themselves.  ‘‘ I don’t want to lose you. ’’

she won’t leave him. caleb felt poppy’s words in his throat, they tasted bitter. he bit his lip, heart racing. he knew she was right, and it made him want to hit something, but he couldn’t break down in front of poppy, or ask why. he needed to be her big brother, he needed to have his SHIT together, because that’s what big brothers did. that’s what danny and josh did for him, so that’s what he would do for poppy. 

he panics when poppy begins to spiral, because he does, too. why does she have to be so SMART for her age? why can’t she be a KID, naive? douglas beat practicality into them from the very beginning, and it wasn’t FAIR. “its okay, hey, i won’t- i swear, i swear. it was a dumb idea, i’m sorry- i know,” he promised, standing up, hoping he could calm her down. he felt TRAPPED. there was no way out. well; that wasn’t true. he wouldn’t say it out loud, not to poppy, but he DREAMED of something terrible happening to his father- sometimes cartoonish, like a piano falling on his head, sometimes tantalizingly realistic, like one needle too many. caleb’s hands shook. “we... we’ll be grown ups, soon,” he offered. soon wasn’t true- five years was forever, and he had all of the littles to think of, too. “he can’t do this to us forever.”

#˗ˏˋ i’m a big boy now and i’m very scary ━━ caleb turner. ˎˊ˗ #˗ˏˋ pick apart the parts of me i think are too soft ━━ threads. ˎˊ˗ #tell me why i thought i responded to this and i did not

[livcly]

thrustfists‌:

Kathy was packing up to go home, she had done the night shift and was completely EXHAUSTED, desperate to get home to her babies, anxious to see that everything was OKAY.  She went into the office for a moment to say goodbye to Billy, promising to bring the littles in to say hi sometime in the next week. She was lucky, really, to have people around her who care so much. she should be more grateful. Putting on her leather jacket, she walked back through to reception, but before she reaches the door something, someone stops her in her tracks. ‘‘ m-mom? ’’ the words feel sticky in her throat, foreign almost. ‘‘ what are you - how - what’re you doing here? ’’

izzy’s body all but shut down when she saw her daughter. she choked on any words that she could think of, and her hands begun to shake. sixteen years. sixteen years since she’d seen katherine. “i... i needed to see my daughter,” she choked out, tears springing to her eyes. “katherine, i-” any platitudes or apologies she could think of seemed minimal, hollow. “i’m so sorry. you have no idea.” the words fell flat, made izzy feel ineloquent and stupid. how she’d let something so irrelevant grow this chasm between her and her daughter, she’d never know; katherine looked TIRED, much older than the last time izzy had seen her. it brought to mind memories of the day katherine was born: izzy was fourteen and terrified, but when she saw katherine’s face, that was it. she was taken. “i met your daughter,” izzy said, voice broken and far-away- she didn’t know what else to say. 

#˗ˏˋ i am caught in between who i am and who i’m supposed to be ━━ izzy andrews. ˎˊ˗ #˗ˏˋ i’ve become so cynical these days ━━ threads. ˎˊ˗

[livcly]

LOW TIDE (2019)

#˗ˏˋ you only like bad news ━━ visage. ˎˊ˗ #˗ˏˋ absolutely nothing to me ━━ jacob crain. ˎˊ˗

[livcly]

Let me see what’s in there.

Low Tide (2019) dir. Kevin McMullin

#˗ˏˋ you only like bad news ━━ visage. ˎˊ˗ #love these gifs sm #˗ˏˋ absolutely nothing to me ━━ jacob crain. ˎˊ˗

[livcly]

@thrustfists @derekwgames @felixmyers

Finn: I think we’re all gonna be like, friends forever and ever. There’s no other way.

#˗ˏˋ you only like bad news ━━ visage. ˎˊ˗ #we havent even plotted yet but those first two gifs are them #˗ˏˋ absolutely nothing to me ━━ jacob crain. ˎˊ˗

[livcly]

Bill Denbrough + Anger

#˗ˏˋ you only like bad news ━━ visage. ˎˊ˗ #˗ˏˋ absolutely nothing to me ━━ jacob crain. ˎˊ˗

[livcly]

jacob crain tag dump !

#˗ˏˋ absolutely nothing to me ━━ jacob crain. ˎˊ˗ #˗ˏˋ i understand that i’m a mess but i’m not ready to address it ━━ music. ˎˊ˗ #˗ˏˋ you know me; i’ve always been a little masochistic ━━ threads. ˎˊ˗ #˗ˏˋ hating all the same things too ━━ imessage. ˎˊ˗ #˗ˏˋ you only like bad news ━━ visage. ˎˊ˗

[livcly]

meet jacob crain, my newest muse who i love deeply. i figured i’d add a little about him, since unlike izzy, caled and jude, he’s brand new and not connected to anyone else (so far- bring jake a sibling or a parent perhaps!)

so, this is jacob oliver crain, but he will also answer to jay or jake. he’s 17 (i need to make more gifs of jaeden when he’s older lmao) and he works at the local music shop where he mans the front desk and answers the phones.

jake’s been playing guitar since he was 13, and he’s not great, but i mean, he’s okay. he likes it a lot, and that’s what’s important! he wants to start a band really bad. he’s also a skateboarder, and he thinks he’s cool because he wears neon orange carhartt beanies and long sleeve black vans t-shirt over his ripped jeans. actually, he’s kind of a nerd- he likes d&d, is a huge comic book fan, and the ultimate old horror movie nerd. but he’s COOL, okay? he’s not a nerd. it’s IRONIC.

he’s also into science, but only like forensics, biology, space, stuff like that. he hates anything math related.

jacob wants to be a comedian when he grows up, and he wants to write for SNL. between his love of comedy and music, he basically aims to be the next bo burnham.

basically he’s pretty laid back, and super goofy. i feel like he just thinks everyone else in the gang is a fucking nerd and just looks at all of them skeptically all of the time and then writes comedy routines about them. (can u IMAGINE his comedy routines about felix and jude kfdjlkjas. and then danny and derek im losing it imagining that) 

im not super sure abt his home life, i feel like he has a much older brother and maybe a younger brother or sister? and maybe one parent that’s kind of absent because they travel a lot for work or the army or smthn. idk if anyone wants to bring a crain i’ll love u even more and then we can plot <3

#intro.

[livcly]

izzy had managed to find the magic castle on her GPS, pulling up into the parking lot with shaking hands. she spent a great deal of time wringing her hands and stretching her muscles before she finally got out of the car. it’d been two decades since she’d seen her daughter, and she missed her terribly, but she knew, she knew she had made a mistake, and if kathy didn’t forgive her, izzy couldn’t blame her. taking a deep breath with her heart in her throat, she walked in to the waiting room, the bell ringing as she did. mustering her courage and trying not to let the tears spring to her eyes, she approached the desk. “katherine...” she said, eyes searching the face of her daughter.

@thrustfists​

#˗ˏˋ i’ve become so cynical these days ━━ threads. ˎˊ˗

[livcly]

thrustfists‌:

‘‘ yeah? well tough shit, because she doesn’t want to see you. ’’ he says with BITE, shaking his head as she speaks. ‘‘ you’re about sixteen years too late. ’’ Mila has wondered over, smiling up the woman but edging to hide behind her father’s legs. ‘‘ don’t talk to my kid. ’’ There’s a BORED tone to Douglas’ voice - like Elizabeth really isn’t worth his time. ‘‘ why would you? ’’

izzy shifts. she doesn’t wanna fight- well. maybe she does, but she’s a GROWN UP now, she knows better, she’s not going to. she’s not gonna fight him. “she might,” izzy shrugged, “i’d like to see her, hear that from her in person. i know i’m late, douglas. there’s nothing i can do about that now, but i want to see my daughter.”

she doesn’t answer his last question- just offers mila a smile, ignores douglas. the child looks- well, she’s not kempt, exactly. and she’s a toddler in a bar, so there’s that. and it worries her, it does, but she just wants to make it out of here with the information she needs. “where’s kathy, douglas?”

#˗ˏˋ i’ve become so cynical these days ━━ threads. ˎˊ˗ #˗ˏˋ i am caught in between who i am and who i’m supposed to be ━━ izzy andrews. ˎˊ˗

[livcly]

thrustfists‌:

‘‘ who’s asking? ’’ he says, turning back to his drink and signaling for Keith to get him another. He doesn’t look at her when she says who she is, but he does roll his eyes internally. of course, Elizabeth FUCKING Andrews, crawling out of the woodwork after all these years. ‘‘ what do you want, Elizabeth? ’’ 

she crosses her arms when she hears his tone; how stupid it was of her to presume that after all this time, she’d been wrong about the man who drove her daughter from her. of course he was an asshole, but that didn’t matter- katherine did. “i want to see my daughter,” she explains simply. “my family.” not that she really thinks of douglas as that, but she hopes the civil implications of the statement will soften him, at least enough to lead her to kathy. “speaking of which-” she leans down from the bar stool, smiling at the little girl, “who’s this pretty girl?” her voice goes up, taking the kind tone of someone speaking to a child. “i didn’t know you two had a daughter.” and that’s her own fault, she knows, she didn’t fight hard enough. how much has she missed?

#˗ˏˋ i’ve become so cynical these days ━━ threads. ˎˊ˗ #˗ˏˋ i am caught in between who i am and who i’m supposed to be ━━ izzy andrews. ˎˊ˗

[livcly]

thrustfists‌:

Douglas is a couple of beers in and feeling JOLLY. It’s not even fucking happy hour and he’s at his favorite bar, with his favorite bartender, his kids are at school (well, except for the little one, but she seems pretty content fiddling with the jukebox in the corner of the room), his wives at work, what a fucking time to be alive!  it feels like it’s gonna be a good day, although he probably shouldn’t have this next one, Kath says he gets nasty when he starts number four, but FUCK IT.  ‘‘ Cheers, Keith,’’ he says, holding up his bottle to the bartender, turning around when he hears the familiar bell above the door. The woman looks familiar, but he can’t place her right now, so he just takes another sip and turns to check the kid is still alive. 

izzy thinks she’s crazy- but maybe not. could that be- douglas? speak of the devil and he shall come. no, shit. she’s almost certain by his voice; it’s got to be him. and he’s got a KID with him, a little girl- she’s cute. looks like kathy, when she was that age. she takes a seat next to him and orders a drink before turning to him. “douglas turner?” she asks, even though she’s growing more and more sure the longer she watches him. she places a hand to her chest. “izzy andrews. long time, no see.” she doesn’t ask him what he’s doing with a toddler in a bar, or why she’s wandering around, more-or-less unsupervised in this skeezy dive. 

#˗ˏˋ i am caught in between who i am and who i’m supposed to be ━━ izzy andrews. ˎˊ˗ #˗ˏˋ i’ve become so cynical these days ━━ threads. ˎˊ˗

[livcly]

caleb sees red, mostly. it’s not usually like this- he doesn’t want to FIGHT. not like poppy, no, he just wants to keep everyone safe. he just wants to be by HIMSELF, usually- but the whole day has been AWFUL from start to finish, all because of douglas. he’d been PISSY, screaming and throwing shit at the kids; poppy’d slipped out and gone to hang out with her friends, or cause trouble, or whatever- she was OUT, thank god. teddy was quiet, and safe, in their room. danny and josh- caleb wasn’t sure. BUSY, probably, which was better. but mila was harder- she’d been getting on their dads nerves, crying and asking for her pacifier, saying she was hungry, NORMAL KID STUFF. and douglas, needle in hand, and grabbed her and hauled her off towards him. panic flashed in caleb’s mind, and he shoved mila out of the way, screaming, screaming at his dad, becuase what the fuck? what the fuck did he think he was doing? she’s fucking LITTLE, he’s gonna KILL her! caleb just broke. all of the words he couldn’t keep pushing down spilled out past his teeth. and when douglas started hitting him, caleb started hitting back, fists flailing, as mila began to cry, and ran to be with theo. had it not been for DANNY, who dragged him out and into the bite of frigid air, his dad might have killed him. face raw and swelling, adrenaline in overdrive, caleb kept punching the air (and, accidentally, his brother’s chest) even though the threat was long gone. tears streamed down his swollen cheeks: “he-was-gonna-hurt-her-he-was-gonna-hurt-her-i-couldn’t-let-him-we-can’t-keep-living-like-this-we-can’t-we-can’t-why-us-why-us-it’s-not-FAIR!” breathless, all one word, gasps in the air. 

Danny hears the fight from outside the house, and it causes a wave of anxiety to hit him like a tsunami. not again, please, not now. He pushes through the front door, determined to break up whatever’s going on before it gets out of hand, before someone gets hurt. He doesn’t think when he enters the scene, he doesn’t look at his dad, just Caleb. He grabs the younger by the arm and practically drags him out the room and into the front garden. ‘‘ CALM DOWN - what the hell happened, caleb? ’’

@judehq​

#˗ˏˋ pick apart the parts of me i think are too soft ━━ threads. ˎˊ˗ #˗ˏˋ i’m a big boy now and i’m very scary ━━ caleb turner. ˎˊ˗ #this is too long #im sorry

[livcly]

ALL THINGS CONSIDERED, izzy needed a drink. she’d never been to this town before, but it’s where her niece said katherine would be, and that’s who she needed to find; she missed her daughter, had gone sixteen years without speaking to her, but now, now, she’s going to fix it. she’s going to see joshua again, and meet daniel. for years after becoming a registered nurse, izzy had thought about contacting kathy: that’s her DAUGHTER, it doesn’t matter who she married- douglas can’t be as bad as izzy’s memory is shading him out to be, right? right? but something, all these years, stopped her. now, though, she couldn’t wait to see her granddaughter and her grandsons anymore. WELL- she could wait, at least, until she had a beer and something to eat. she walked into the bar, rolling up the sleeves of her shirt, eagerly anticipating getting to see her daughter again that night.

@thrustfists​

#˗ˏˋ i’ve become so cynical these days ━━ threads. ˎˊ˗ #˗ˏˋ i am caught in between who i am and who i’m supposed to be ━━ izzy andrews. ˎˊ˗ #this is a little bit rough but!! im excited #also she just DOESNT know about caleb poppy theo or mila