love-advice-on-call

[love-advice-on-call]

Its plan change anon: the plans were to come to mine and spend the night, he instead went out(no like special occasion)

We did have a conversation about it where we we both like hey thats kinda shitty actually so its been dealt with mostly. I still don’t really understand what went on in his brain(probably need for distraction slash cabin fever) but it was nice to like have a proper conversation about it at least

Okay, well it's good that you guys had a conversation about it because that would have been my advice. My opinion is yeah it is ass hole-ish to cancel date night plans to go out with your friends. If I were in that situation, I would mostly feel bummed out, especially if we had planned ahead of time to do something together.

I do understand the desire to want to go hang out with friends, but at the end of the day, the plans you scheduled with your significant other should take priority. Like, if he wants to hang with friends, that's cool, just don't plan it over your significant other.

Posted February 22, 2024

#advice #love advice #relationships #relationship advice #relationship help

[love-advice-on-call]

Hii, my bf cancelled plans with me for other plans. Generally im pretty sure that is considered sn asshole move, am not sure. He did try to reschedule plans with me bit went trough with the changing plans without it being clear that that was possible.

He tried to make it feel fairer by asking me if it was okay and like, in the moment couldn’t deal with telling him that sucked somehow.

How do i bring it up now? I feel like rationally im in the right but my brain tends to skew everything into its fine territory so i want outside confirmation. How would you feel if your (hypothetical?) partner did something similar? And how does one bring it up

Would you be able to tell me what the plans that got cancelled are and what are the other plans he replaced them with? I think it really depends what the situation is since the motivation of the cancelling is what drives the asshole-ness

Posted Feb 19, 2024

#advice #love advice #relationships #relationship advice #relationship help

[love-advice-on-call]

Hiii

I have a friend who invited me to join his poly, it's hard to explain the full dynamic they have but it basically he's dating 3 other people and he wants me to be the 4th.

I personally don't think that I will be able to join a poly, for the main reason being that I tend to get jealous easily and I worry I would get jealous of the other partners. That's not an attitude I should introduce into a poly. So i've been trying to find the right time to tell him i can't and shouldn't join

my conundrum is that i'm not the only person he's asked to join, the last person that turned him down put him into a pretty intense depressive episode. How do I let him down without hurting him or also putting him into a sad spell??

Hellloo,

I think it is totally fair of you to not want to join a poly. It's not for most people. As far as turning this guy down, I don't think there is anyway to do it without putting him into a sad spell. That being said, his feelings are not your responsibility and just because you turn him down doesn't mean you should feel bad for his poor reaction. His reactions are because he has problems with handling rejection, not because you did anything wrong. This also won't be the first person you have to turn down in your life and just because there is the threat of depression, it doesn't mean that you should make it your problem and stress about it. He's also being a tumultuous person who is landing himself in these situations in the first place which is not your fault.

To be honest with you, this guy sounds pathetic. I understand that he is your friend and understand it sounds insensitive, but like come on. When I read this I just thought it was kind of laughable that he gets into a depressive episode because he gets turned down. We've all been turned down before, but he's out here literally going around begging folks to get with him while already having 3 other partners. And then he does this to you, knowing that you know that he'll get all mopey if you don't say yes as if this is some kind of leverage. I can't imagine how many times he's done this.

I think you can just respectfully decline and let him know that you aren't interested in being a poly relationship. I think with someone like this, you can keep it pretty simple because more info might give him more to ruminate on. I think you should also be firm in your decision and don't let him try to guilt you for making your own decisions.

Posted Feb 10, 2024

#advice #love advice #relationships #relationship advice

[love-advice-on-call]

Helloo 💗! it's the same person from the last ask. I just wanted to say thank you for your kind words and advice. Your words really encouraged me. In light of everything. I've got an update.

With some planning and courage. I thought to ask her out!! We always meet up at a library to study together every weekend. We were chatting up on our break and there was moment where we looked at eachother in silence till we both coincidentally said "I have to tell you something" there's was this whole back and forth of you go first till we started laughing. She said she needed to get something of her chest. So, of course I listened intently, and she told me she had liked me for a year and a half now, and she still does. I almost cried. But anyways I confessed that I like her back. I told her I had something prepared (the thing is i was planning on confessing but like always she was one step ahead of me, smart and knowing the right time as always :)) she's amazing i swear everything about her is just so loveable.) So back to the story I gave her the crochet bouquet that I made and a 3 page letter about how I felt for her. We are now dating and are going on our first official date as a couple this valentines Day! Thank you so so much again for your advice. You definitely helped me realize that I can't live life, not telling her how I felt.

Awww, I'm so glad to hear it worked out and that is such a cute story

Wow! a crochet bouquet and a 3 paged letter??? That is just too sweet! You're going to make the rest of us look bad!

So excited and I hope you two have a great first date!

Posted Feb 7, 2024

[love-advice-on-call]

My best friend of 3 years confessed that she liked me for 8 months. At the time I was scared so I also told her I liked her in the past. We're both in this position of best friends with a little something more. Everyone who knows us knows what's between us but no one is confronting it. I don't mind it. I understand why. Both me and her agreed our friendship is very important. I wouldn't want to lose her. She's everything. I want to ask should I risk it? If not how can I move on?

My opinion is that you should always risk it given that not too much time has passed since she has confessed (I don't know how long ago she confessed to you, but if this was almost a year plus, then you should check in to see how she feels about you first). There aren't that many down sides. You guys already got the hard part out of the way which was telling each other that you like each other.

Not pursuing this would be a really big missed opportunity. You guys either go the rest of your lives seeing each other date other people and wonder what could have been OR you guys give it a shot and date each other and it might be forever. Even if things don't work out, you would still know that you two care about each other greatly, enough to have dated.

Posted February 1, 2024

#advice #love advice #relationships #relationship advice #relationship help

[love-advice-on-call]

Hello hello love advice on call person I hope you are doing well :D it’s “I said I love you to my partner” again, and I wanted to give you an update! Late one night after our internship they wanted to talk to me about something (and as the nervous person I am I started running through all things they could bring up, including that incident which I PRAYED THEY DIDNT BRING UP) so we sat in their car and of course the thing they bring up is THAT. But they gave me their reasoning for not saying I love you back, since they had noticed it had affected me that previous night. And to sum it up they explained they have problems with feeling love to everyone (friends family etc), not just me, and affirmed I was incredibly important to them and they cared for me oh so much <3. AND OH GOD WAS THAT A RELIEF!!! It was a very nice heart to heart moment, and after they had admitted “I was worried you weren’t going to take this well and break up with me” and I exclaimed “I thought you were going to break up with me after this!!” Then we both looked at each other horrified yelled “NOOO :((“ and hugged very tight while laughing Heshe

they are sweet and amazing and such a sap <33 I am such a bleeding heart and need to not worry as much and be more open with my emotions and needs for sure, I am so lucky to have them :D

anywho I should also thank you for reading through my ramblings and giving articulated responses, I very much appreciate it :D

Hello!

This is so heart warming to read and so cute, I'm glad that you two were able to talk things out! I also think it is super cool that they brought it up to you, it shows that they really care how you are feeling

Posted January 23, 2024

[love-advice-on-call]

Hiya, sometimes i get the feeling my partner only tells me things hed tell any friend, and doesnt really ask me about what’s happening in my life either. I know this isn’t completely fair maybe, but i do want to communicate to him i feel this way, even if im maybe making it bigger than it is? I dont know how to talk about this in a gentle way though, and it seems really silly to ask someone to show more interest and ask more questions, but its still clearly important to me? So aah yknow.

Hello,

I do feel like it can be fair! I understand why you might feel like it might not be, but people should be talking evenly. If you are looking to have a deeper relationship with your partner, then totally you guys should start dabbling in more complex topics and he should also be asking you questions about your life.

I think it depends on his personality as far as how to approach. For me, I totally had this problem early into my relationship (and still occasionally now) with my GF and she straight up said to me early on "Hey! You talked about YOUR day, but you didn't ask me about my day!" and my personality is just like "oh damn! sorry, yes how are you? what did you do today?" It took well for me and it is that simple. She had to kind of train me to get used to doing it. Sometimes people just need a nudge in the right direction. It doesn't mean he doesn't care, it just means he gets caught up in talking about stuff. He could also be just used to talking to friends at a higher level so getting into deeper things may be something for him to learn. Overall, you really just got to tell him to ask you more about how your day/life is going.

For diving into deeper topics, I think you should mention this in the same convo and let him know that you'd like to have some deeper/sensitive conversations to help strengthen or build your relationship. I think/write in terms of "straight forward words" so you may want to change my suggestion to something a bit more comfortable to him or closer to how you talk.

Explaining what you want to talk about will make it easier (hopefully) for him to understand what you need since I think people like that generally need a more clear cut example of what you would like from them. If he doesn't want to talk about deeper things yet, then I still think it is a win since you would be learning something new (and sensitive) about each other which means one day he could expand on it when he's ready. Sometimes people also only offer deeper conversation if you offer it first. So him asking you things will help open this area up as well.

Posted January 21, 2024

#advice #love advice #relationships #relationship advice #relationship help

[love-advice-on-call]

Hi,

I occasionally, like tonight, feel suddenly quite resentful of my partner. I don’t really know where these feelings come from, and wether i should take them seriously. I think i feel in some sense uncared for pr unappreciated, and i can think of instances where my parter may have been inconsiderate. Im not sure tough wether they are really acting badly or wether its me bottling up small things and not talking about them that is the problem ? I just feel so far away from them, and like im asking for so much and i dont know where to put those feelings. I dont think its fair to my parter to blame this on her, and I wouldnt want to tell her shes hurt me if i font have a clear point, because i know she’s terrified of hurting me, but if i feel so lonely clearly something isnt right

Hello,

It's my opinion that any resentment for your partner should be taken seriously. Resenting your partner is what can build up a bitter taste in your mouth when you think of them because you are training yourself unconsciously to associate them with bitter feelings.

It sounds like they are coming from the sense of feeling uncared and unappreciated which I think are totally valid to feel. They may or may not be acting badly or you may just be bottling up small things. Sometimes it could be something totally unrelated, but the anger for the unrelated topic flows into you getting annoyed at them for something else.

There is the terror of not wanting to hurt someone, but there is also the very real threat of resentment growing in you. Even if there is a chance your partner might not take things well, you kind of need to tell her what is going on because one day you might find yourself snapping at her for a little thing and that is what will really hurt her.

My advice to you is, if you haven't already, sit her down and have a conversation about how you have been feeling. It doesn't have to be "oh you hurt me and have been totally neglecting me." You can always soften the conversation. It helps to say that you understand how things are for her and maybe why she may have a lot of things on her mind (maybe link that later in the conversation as to why you feel like you haven't been heard much). Then you can talk about how you have been feeling and that you feel that you feel like you haven't gotten a lot of chances to talk about how you are doing or what you are struggling with. Phrase it as an opportunity to discuss your feelings rather than a statement that your feelings are being unnoticed. After the conversation opens up, then you can start telling her how certain things have been making you feel like you weren't considered. I feel the consideration thing should be brought up and discussed even though it might be a hard topic, because it is where the most friction can start.

If you have already sat her down and let her know how you feel, and what you want, then you need to consider more if you want to keep dating this person or tell them how badly they are hurting you and what needs to change. Just because she might feel bad for hurting you, doesn't mean she can just go around doing it because that just leaves you battered to spare her feelings.

Posted Jan 21, 2024

#as a side note #I like that people started saying “hi” in their messages #for years everyone just sends them in without saying “hi” or “how you doing” which is OK but it is just nice to say hi sometimes #love advice #advice #relationships #relationship advice #relationship help

[love-advice-on-call]

hi, it’s the panicking person who said I love you to their partner again :P except I’m not panicking anymore :D I still feel wierd thinking about it, but literally nothing has changed between us and you were very right, it’s not the end of the world! Thank you for being very blatant and straightforward with me, I definitely needed that :]

hahaha awww I'm so glad you wrote back in to say this! I'm so glad you aren't panicking anymore, thank you for sending this in!

Posted Jan 17, 2024

[love-advice-on-call]

Hisolike I'm technically in a relationship but not really? My partner classes me as their girlfriend, but I'm the only one who puts in any effort in meeting up, starting conversations, ect. There's no like affection or compliments- they won't even hold my hand unless I bring it up which is really hard because asking for that kind of stuff makes me super nervous (like, chest-pain and headache inducing levels of nervous). They're the one who confessed to me first, but it's been years and I don't even hear 'I love you' anymore. I feel like they don't even want to be with me, and I don't know how to bring that up or if I'm just being needy and shouldn't say anything. I don't know what to do and it's at the point where they'll call fictional characters hot and I just sit there looking at their status posts about it and just have to silently envy these 2D people.. I don't get why they confessed to me when they never acted like we were in a relationship afterwards? It's been 3 years of me starting everything and getting nothing back. I don't know if I should bring this up or how. -🌸

Hi,

To be honest with you, it doesn't really sound like you are in a relationship. If you are the one putting in all the effort and they (based on what you said) appear to be almost absent emotionally, then it is hard to call this a relationship. Plus, the fact that they seem to be really into fictional characters doesn't bode well as describing your partner as someone who even wants to be in a relationship. I just feel like if you are in a relationship, you don't go about posting statuses about 2D characters appearances. It is totally bogus that they were the ones who confessed to you yet give you the cold shoulder.

My recommendation, is if you are still interested in continuing this and feel you are/could-be gaining a lot from being with this person, then you should bring up to them how you feel and how you've been feeling like they have been making you feel neglected. I'd put them on a short leash though and expect a strong consistent recovery if they want you to stick around. If they can't meet your expectations, then it is time to leave because 3 years and getting nothing back is not the best situation. If you feel like this person might be too lost and you feel too disconnected, then I think you guys should break up.

#advice #love advice #relationships #relationship advice #relationship help

[love-advice-on-call]

hi, I just did something very stupid and I don’t know what to do. I told my partner I think I loved them, and they didn’t say it back. I know this isn’t the worst thing in the world, but I feel HORRIBLE! I didn’t even mean to say it, it just finally slipped. I apologized profusely afterwards, because I didn’t know what to do after. They said I didn’t need to apologize, I felt so embarrassed, I couldn’t look them in the eye. This is my first real relationship, (not theirs, they have more experience with this stuff) we are both still in Highschool. And I’m so afraid I’ve ruined everything. I don’t think I did? Ok we made out afterwards (sorry tmi) but I still feel weird. I’m afraid that this might be the tipping point. But also, we’ve had no trouble before so it wouldn’t make sense that they would break up with me over this. But also I am asexual and they are not and I’m uncomfortable performing any kind of sexual act besides kissing which this doesn’t really have to do with anything but I feel bad for that as well and I just feel like a nonhuman mess because I don’t have sexual urges LIKE A NORMAL HUMAN BEING and it’s stupid stupid But I’m an overthinking mess and take everything too seriously and I’m afraid because not only are they my partner but a good friend of almost 3 years and I don’t know I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO :( this is dumb dumb silly dumb but I’m crying and hyperventilating over it (once you answer this I probably won’t be so do abt that :P) I wear my heart on my sleeve and tend to blow small things out of proportion, am I doing that? Or am I an overbearing person that needs to not be so insane? I really really really care about them and UGHFJFB WHY DO I HAVE TO BE AN OVERBEARING MESS??? anywho it’s late I’m going to cry out of embarrassment to sleep

Yeah you don't need to apologize, the best way to get through this is to keep going. The more you make a fuss over this and the more you worry about it, the more it will affect your relationship. Saying "I love you" to your partner and them not saying it back just lets them know that you love them and they know what level you are at. It is great they know, but you don't have to read too much into it and just because they didn't say it back doesn't mean they feel any type of negative about you or what you said.

If you want this to blow over, then you just need to calm down about this. These types of things happen and it's not the end of the world.

#advice #relationships #love advice #relationship help #relationship advice

[love-advice-on-call]

Hi!! Idk if you remember me but I was your high school ask from a while ago. I said I that I wanted to kms cause i literally didn't have any romantic experience and was going to gr 11 rlly soon? I also said I like got really anxious around boys and went to an all girls middle school. Anyways, now that I’m done with the lore I’m back 🥹 Thanks sm for the advice u honestly made me feel sm better. I kinda need adivce on smth and I don’t really want to ask someone I know abt this. So basically I think I might have had a crush on someone I’ve known for three years but didn’t realize🧍🏾‍♀️idk what to do and I need someone to tell me if i’m genuinely tweaking or just in denial.

So for context I was bullied in my childhood and middle school and didn’t really talk to anyone when quarantine hit ( other than my family) My social anxiety was at its peak and gr 9 was starting and I was just a ball of angst and thought nobody would think I was cool and that nobody would like me and blah blah you get the picture. I met this girl randomly on the bleachers and decided to grow a pair and talk to her and we became friends. She was my first real friend, someone who didn’t call themselves my friend just by name. She was like a breath of fresh air. I liked everything about her and I wanted her to think I was cool too. We had some moments where she had me screaming in my pillow at 5 am and made me question if I liked girls??? I once sent her loads of TikTok’s pretty early in the morning cause my fyp was just immaculate that day. She straight up replied to it saying “up so early sweetie?” WHEN I TELL YOU I STARED AT MY PHONE AND SCREAMED I DID ☠️☠️ I mean looking back on it the sentence might be a bit cringe but I was getting FLUSTERED. Mind you we had a strict poking fun at eachother teasing type of relationship. She probably meant it as a joke but whewww

To make things clear I really cherished her and our friendship, I don’t know if I liked her romantically or just very strong platonic love because she was the first person to make me feel liked/treat me well 🫠 Also literally nobody calls me pet names and that was the first time. I think I’d melt if a rock called me sweetheart. But my current friend ( also a girl ) calls me pet names all the time and I’m not melting?? The thing is, as much as I loved our friendship I kinda felt like I always had to entertain her and the others. I am extroverted ( with very shitty social skills ) and my friends were mostly introverted. I felt like If I didn’t come out the gates swinging, we wouldn’t have as much fun and we wouldn’t talk as much. I got burnt out really quickly, and just exhausted after school. Not to sound narcissistic but I felt like the glue holding us together.

In second semester I got some health problems and went online and didn’t go back to school till the start of gr 10. I would talk to them online a lot and keep in contact, but things in my life just took a turn for the worse and I just got overwhelmed with school and my health. I ended up ghosting them and literally not responding at all 🥲 One thing I’d like to mention is that I introduced the girl to my cousin in our grade and she really really liked her. She started eating lunch with my cousins friend group and just being excited to see her. Not to be possessive either, but I just felt left out. I did a lot to keep her interested with me, and my cousin and her friend group got it like it was nothing? She was my absolute no1 in everything, and I didn’t even feel like 2nd to her. She was so much more excited and initiating with them as well. When I went back to school I tired to talk to her but she lowkey snubbed me abt the ghosting thing. I tired to talk to her friend group since I literally know most of them but I kinda felt like a kid trailing their older siblings friends and it was so awkward. Our friendship just died after that. For some reason on my birthday she texted me even though we barely even talked to each other??? She was literally the only person who wished me a happy birthday too 😭😭 I genuinely thought I got over our ‘friendship breakup’ and moved on since I’m literally in gr 11. We were at the school remembrance day assembly and the Music club was performing a song. Now my friend was unsure if she wanted to join and I told her to do it and pushed her to learn how to play the guitar in gr 9. A girl behind me asked if I could record for her since I was in the front and I did and I saw her come out in a little cute dressy outfit and she straightened her hair and just looked so pretty. She normally wears sweats so it was so different. She was smiling excitedly and my cousin and her friends were waving at her and stuff. She started to play and I had to sit and record her the whole time. It made me remember all the jokes we had and how she said she’d play a Justin briber song for me ( yes I was also obsessed with him ☠️)

I remember I saved a video she sent me of her singing to Baby karaoke with the kids at the music club. She sent a text like “for you ❤️” and I remember feeling so happy. I mean she probably was just singing with her friends and remembered I liked the song and sent it randomly but it made me so happy she was even thinking of me and remembered. After the performance I literally bawled my eyes out and I don’t even know why??? Like I missed our friendship but she wasn’t the best to begin with. I don’t get why I cried so much. Now anytime I see her in the halls I literally want to evaporate :/ My birthday is coming up in like three days and I can’t stop thinking about her and if she’ll text. Should I try and talk to her again? How would I even do that 😭 I never really gave it much thought but I think I might have a crush on her? I don’t know if I do though as well. I mean I do like guys and I think girls are hot but idk if would go as far as to say I’m attracted to them. But idk if I can say I wouldn’t scream and picture our wedding day if a girl kissed me ☹️ The worst part is, Ik she isn’t even thinking abt me.

Thanks for reading this all if you stayed to the end! This was definitely wayyy too long and I over shared to the max but I just want to give you context ( and ramble ) so you could understand? Sorry if this was too much, you can ignore this if it is😭😭

Hi, I did end up fully reading it, though I had to use google translate to read it for me (sorry! it was just long). What I can say is that for someone who says you don't have a crush, you sure sound like you have a crush. Like you wrote out this whole ask for her! I think it sounds like you like her based on your message and you could be bi.

You are in high school so I think it is totally cool to not know for sure if your feelings would work out in a bigger way, it's part of self-discovery. I get that you two might not be good friends now or possibly as close as you used to be, but there used to be something so it may be worth it to see if you can start talking to her again and then move towards asking her out.

I think with something like this, it may be best to go with a simple "Hi, I am how are you doing? I know we haven't talked much recently." then you can go from there. Establishing contact is step one, then comes acknowledging that you guys hadn't talked in a while. Then she can bring up whatever she wants and you can focus on getting to know her again. I don't know for sure if she likes you too. I wouldn't rule it out, but it is hard to tell sometimes. She clearly cares a lot about you. It is clear you two care about each other, so the least that can happen is you get this friend back who clearly means a lot to you.

Posted Dec 10, 2023

P.S. This is so funny "I think I’d melt if a rock called me sweetheart."

#advice #love advice #relationships #relationship advice #relationship help

[love-advice-on-call]

My girlfriend has a hard time being vulnerable, i know this has to do with trauma so i dont blame her, but it makes me feel disconnected from her and it can really hurt. She often doesnt want to discuss hows shes feeling or how something was for her and she often takes it really hard if I communicate something she did hurt me in some way. After a tense moment like that i cant help but want to talk about it even more but she prefers/ is satisfied with mutual reassurance which is important and nice but doesnt make me feel heard. iIl know she needs time, and i know i still want to be with her, but this is not going smoothly and because it inhibts communication i dont know how to talk to her about it really

Sometimes there is only so much we can do. I empathize with how if she feels bad, then it can cause a disconnect. It becomes very hard to be present with each other if one of you is upset in that way.

Being able to talk about how you are feeling is a fundamental building block of our relationships and if she isn't comfortable with doing it, then it is something she needs to be working on resolving. I know you care about her and are concerned, but pushing it may not end up helping either. At the same time, it does sound like she is communicating to you what she needs which is that mutual reassurance so you need to take that at its full value and respect that.

This all being said, I don't know what she is saying to make you feel hurt. I don't want to disregard your feelings either and I don't know what she is doing to hurt you. If it is something negative bad like calling you names or blaming you for something you didn't do, then you still need to stand up for yourself because there is a difference between being sensitive and just hurting someone's feelings.

I do recommend bringing up how much she has been hurting you lately and if she isn't receptive, then you may need to consider if you still want to be in this relationship or if she is even ready to be in one if she can't meet your needs because to me, it sounds like this relationship is having its difficulties.

Posted Dec 3, 2023

#advice #love advice #relationships #relationship advice #relationship help

[love-advice-on-call]

Hi! I hope you’re having a good day :) Me(f) and my gf have been dating for 7 months, and i love her so much. She has been trough a lot, and i also am not the most mentally healthy person, and am struggling with some difficult circumstances rn. I sometimes feel like we are both so overwhelmed we can only make eachother feel worse, and i dont know what to do with that. When we get like that it feels like everything either of us say is wrong and we just seem to get stuck in this pattern. When were both okay its really nice, but its hard for me to not get sad when she feels bad. I also notice that i am very sad if shes not around and i dont know how to deal with that, we both have pretty busy lives. I dont want to miss her all the time. I am afraid some of these things are bad signs, i dont know how i should approach them

Hi! Hope you are (or are eventually) doing well :)

I get that.  When two people are dating and you are both having a tough time, it can definitely result in you two being like porcupines.

It sounds like there are 2 challenges here.  One is the "when we're both upset, we might rub each other the wrong way" and "im sad when she's not around"

Being sad that she's not around is a little simpler of a problem.  I think that sounds very normal and it sounds like you just miss her.  I think that's a good sign if anything.  I don't have much advice except maybe you guys can do cute little things when you're away from each other like leaving notes in each other's lunches or making sure you two do savor the time you have when you are together.  Just things that pull you guys away from being tense with each other and lightens things up.

As far as you both being upset, that is a little harder to handle since it is more of awareness and patience if anything.  I think definitely you two seeing separate therapists where you can dish out about your separate problems would help ease some tensions.  Outside of that, you both can try checking in with each other. One thing my girlfriend and I do is if she's feeling bad and I'm feeling bad, we'll ask each other "what percent we are on".  If she's at 30% and im at 60%, then we both know how we feel and how much interaction or patience we probably have.  It is also really relieving to find out what percent she's at since I get insight into how she feels ahead of time so I know if we don't have a good interaction or if she seems tired, then it isn't because of me.  You also need to focus on not taking her grief personally.  I understand feeling sad when you see that she's sad, but she also needs you to be strong and vice versa because you being sad might help to fuel her sadness more.  I also recommend just asking her "hey, what can I do when you are feeling bad?"

Something like this takes effort from both of you if you want things to work and there is only so much you can do as one person so make sure you guys are communicating.

Posted Nov 29, 2023

#advice #love advice #relationships #relationship advice #relationship help

[love-advice-on-call]

Hi there, I really need some advice, to put a long story short I absolutely hate most of my boyfriends friends, they’re horrible influences, one of which is the ring leader who happens to be his best friend, this guy is a horrible horrible person, he has some disgusting beliefs which are racist and homophobic, he regularly lies to his wife, has cheated in the past, and is a total drunk, which has put my boyfriend in dangerous situations more than once. The guy drunk drives and recently got into some trouble after a night of drinking and handled it so poorly his life could have been in danger. My boyfriend knows how much I don’t like his friend but frankly I’m finding it to be a point of distance between us. I have no intention of “making him choose” nor asking him to distance himself from the guy, they’ve known each other since they were young kids, but I hate the situations he puts my boyfriend in and the influence he has, I also don’t like how passive my boyfriend is about this. I’ve spoken to him about this because I believe we should call out our friends when they’re in the wrong, but he is very non-confrontational and while he agrees with what I think about his friends behaviour - he never challenges it. If I’m being honest I’m now becoming resentful of this, I am finding it difficult not to become frustrated when his friend is discussed and I feel like it’s really putting distance between us, I just have no idea how to navigate this. Help?

I understand that you really care about your boyfriend and that this guy is really close to him, but you have to understand that your boyfriend is the one tolerating the behavior as well as the behavior of the group. If someone's core friend group is racist and sexist and they stick around knowing this, then chances are they share those same values because if they didn't then they wouldn't put up with it as easily. Especially when it is people so important and close to him that he chooses to spend a lot of time with.

I get that you don't want to be the boss of your boyfriend or do something that a parent would do, but from my opinion, you either tell your boyfriend what's up or you need to just accept that his friends are like this. Asking him to do nothing wont change anything and if he hasn't realized that he shouldn't be around him by now, then he probably never will unless you tell him. I think you need to tell him what worries you about the situation and ask him to make some changes with whatever would make you comfortable and let him know why you are so uncomfortable with the influence of this guy. To me, this sounds like it may be a deal breaker for you so you may need to start considering if you'd break up with him over this.

Posted Oct 31, 23

#advice #love advice #relationships #relationship advice #relationship help

[love-advice-on-call]

Hi, I'm new to your blog and I love what you are doing here! It's very nice of you. I'm 23, almost 24 years old in a few weeks. I'm having a lot of issues. I'm monogamist and I want to be for many reasons, other than I think it's best suited for me. I am because it's the one thing my drug addicted, alcoholic, abusive in every fucking way to every woman he's been with, cheater and deadbeat of a father, who couldn't, for once in his fucking life, dish it out without hurting anyone he supposedly proclaimed to be with, my mother not excluded. To prove to him and myself that, it can be done, and you can be happy with the simpler things in life without being a dick. I also want the love my mom deserved to have without the trauma and anorexia caused from it, the one that my sister and my brother should've gotten an example of but didn't. I also like structure, and this feels structural to me. However, I'm afraid, that I won't find anyone on my level that'll agree to that. I don't want to settle for anything that I don't want, but my stupid anxiety always questions if I'm being stupid and wrong. The things I've been surrounded by and seeing lately have not helped. If I can get over this, how do you think I can?

Hello, thank you and welcome to the blog :)

I can understand where your fear can come from, but I think that monogamy is something that you will find many people showing representation for. It can be done and I think you may just need to broaden the type of people you see besides your family who are in committed couples. So I'm just letting you know that it is possible to be monogamous and successful in building a healthy relationship.

I think this is something that can be helped, though I do feel the resentment from what you wrote in. For something like this, I would really just recommend that you try to get into counseling and therapy since it seems to be something with a lot of compounding resentment over the years and especially since you've kind of lost the idea/faith of what a relationship could be. There are multiple aspects to what you said. It was the anger in your father, the being unsure in what a relationship looks like, and dealing with this entire situation in general since it sounds like it has kind of been your whole life. Therapy can help you get through these feelings about your family as well as give you a good basis and metric on building a healthy relationship and how to pursue it.

Posted Oct 7, 2023

#advice #relationships #relationship advice #relationship help

[love-advice-on-call]

hi! I’m a junior in Highschool right now, and this person I’ve liked for a while now asked me out, and I said yes! I’ve like them for quite some time, and we’ve been good friends for even longer. But my issue is that Im not very good at processing my emotions (I think). Whenever I have any intense emotion, wether it be excitement, dread, anxiety, anger, giddiness, etc, i get this tightness in my chest. And this also goes for my hyperfixation, where just thinking about it makes me feel like my esophagus is getting squeezed. I’ve gotten better at determining the “good tighness” and the “bad tightness”, but usually the good leads to the bad because, well the tightness gets worse the longer I think about my partner. BUT I REALLY LIKE THEM HES THE MOST AMAZING PERSON EVER HES SO SWEET AND FUNNY AND HAS THE DORKIEST LAUGH AND THEYRE SO PRETTY!! So I don’t not like them that’s not the problem, but I’m worried that I’ll just think the wrong thing and it will turn sour? I’m sorry this is very discombobulated and scrambled, good luck decoding this if you decide to and thank you in advance if u do ♥️😭

Hello! Sorry for the late reply, I came down with a sinus infection for the first time ever so I needed some time to adjust. I'm OK if you're wondering!

Now I'm no doctor or psychiatrist, but it sounds like to me that you have anxiety.

Feeling that intensely and your feelings being magnified is usually associated with being anxious. But the biggest indicator to me is your esophagus feeling squeezed. I've got a couple of friends with anxiety so bad that they need medication and they usually say they feel that exact feeling.

Being worried about thinking the wrong thing or messing things up is very normal. Especially for new relationships no matter how old you get or how experienced you are, but I can image that it feels even stronger when you feel your emotions so intensely all the time.

For now, what I recommend is that you try to pick up some tools to deal with your anxiety. That means things like reading articles/books on managing your emotions and understanding what you are going through. You can also try mindfulness meditation as I have personally found that it helps to stop me from spiraling when I get too fixated on something. There are videos on YouTube for that and plenty of meditation apps available. I know all of this may be really lame, but it does help in the long run from personal experience. This isn't something that can be fixed over a message on Tumblr and does take time and practice to learn to live with.

Great articles written by mental health professionals can be found here: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/archive?search=anxiety&op=Search§ion=All&page=0

If you are feeling open to it or feel that it may be necessary, then you can always bring up to your partner how you are feeling. I don't mean you tell them every time you feel scrambled or worried that you did the wrong thing because then it is going to happen A LOT. What I mean is that you could tell them that you do feel emotions intensely and that you get the feeling in your esophagus so they can better understand what you go through because it's always important for your partner to know what lens you experience life from. From there, you two can have a better understanding of each other and maybe he can take steps to re-assure you from time to time.

When you get older, you should also look into getting into therapy to dig deeper into why you feel the way you do. I think you may find that the way you feel is more common than you think and more manageable than what you've had to experience so far.

Posted October 3, 2023

#advice #love advice #relationships #relationship advice #relationship help #anxiety #sinus infections are weird and make my teeth hurt