melodramatq

[melodramatq]

there's no such thing as an unhaunted house

there is a box in my closet full of memories i wish to forget. i hide you away like a bruise or a scar; i pretend you do not call to me. it has been over a year, now, since i packed you away. and yet some days i uncover something else forgotten, reread your words and feel that old ache start to settle in my chest. i hate that i will never be able to walk away. but i have removed the knife, stopped the bleeding. you are a wound that will never quite heal; you pain me in bad weather. the sharpness of the blade in my heart is but a memory, tugging like a phantom limb. i look in the mirror and see only myself. when i'm ready i will throw you away without opening the box. i am proud of the person i'll be then. but i still have a road ahead. so i'll buckle my seatbelt, give myself rest when the weather gets rough. i will read your words until the pain eases. i will read your words until i can let them go.

#poetry #spilled ink #friendship #memories #moving on #closure #heartbreak #my poetry #poems

[melodramatq]

blood in the floorboards

relentlessly, the thought resounds: will it ever stop hurting? will the memories we never made release me from their haunting? i've wasted enough of my heart on you and the lives i wished we'd lived, i lost you once, then over and over, went through grief and back again. i don't blame you for how things turned out or that we were never really friends, but all i ask is that you leave me be, and let us reach our happy ends. someday i will learn to heal and how to leave us all behind. i hate to lose such a part of myself, but for you -- i bleed every time.

#poetry #spilled ink #heartbreak #moving on #poems #my poetry

[melodramatq]

graduation thoughts from your former college roommate

in a world where i am a better person, less caustic, more gentle, i forgive you for this, for abandoning me when i moved away as if happy to see me go. loneliness and i are old friends but now she visits at your insistence, settling between the unsent texts and cancelled invitations. she wishes me happy birthday and reminds me of yours, and i try so hard not to be bitter: after all, she is my only companion. sometimes i hate that i still miss you but when your friendship was all i had it was all i needed, giving me home and healing when i was always searching for both. but beneath my hardened heart there is a place that always loves you, and it screams out pride and joy at your successes on this day. when our roads diverge please take that with you above all else: the happiness that what once was mine has grown to highest heights, and you, fully and beautifully yours, have brought me such joy.

#poetry #spilled ink #friendship #graduation #poems #my poetry #this has been sitting in the drafts since may

[melodramatq]

as the lights blink out

six months ago i thought the hardest part of all this was going to be following your name with my friend instead of my roommate, but so much more has changed since then. and it’s not like we’re not friends anymore, not exactly, but i remember when i needed to cry you were just in the next room and now i can’t even text you when i’m happy. and it’s supposed to be okay, right, because life took us down different paths and i’m happy, i tell my therapist, but happy comes at the cost of having no one to call home except for three coworkers and a dog, but you’re living life how you want and i guess i have to accept that you didn’t save a spot for me.

one of the things they don’t tell you about growing up is that one day you’re best friends with the people that mean more to you than anything you’ve ever called your own and the next you’re sitting on your bedroom floor with birthday presents you bought for people you don’t talk to anymore, and it’s like that post that said baby shoes never worn but this time it’s best friend’s love returned to sender in a package that was left out too long in the rain.

i bought a pair of fuzzy socks in your favorite color and some nights i still can’t sleep because it’s too quiet sleeping alone. it could be okay a thousand times over and i’ll still cry when i think about you because your name is a wound i can’t stop picking. sometimes i wonder if you feel the same, choking on the ghosts of who we used to be. i don’t think i’ll ever get rid of the feeling.

#my poetry #poems #spilled ink #poetry #friendship #longing #heartbreak #growing up #things left behind #coming of age #sr

[melodramatq]

denouement

i should have left a million times, but i’ve always been too stubborn to give up and walk away. your eyes that shone bright like warning signs, and all i did was stay. sometimes i think i didn’t know better but sometimes i’m sure that i saw what i wanted to: a version of you that loved me enough to stop running. but i have a new place to stay, now. new arms that love me, new lips that keep no secrets and tell no lies. i leave my memories of you on the doorstep. instead of closure i have guilt, but i’ve stopped asking for  permission to heal. i should have left a million times sooner, but now i am gone, gone, and never coming back.

#my poetry #poems #spilled ink #poetry #heartbreak #moving on #healing #love #goodbye

[melodramatq]

PRIDE (n.)

i.   head filled with half a teenage daydream,      girl tries to love boy but falls short,      falls into chasm of disappointment.      girl sees pretty girls and learns      to keep secrets from her parents.

ii.   on a night with a sky like exit wounds,      girl utters the truth to a hostile room      and leaves feeling empty and unloved.      girl wonders when love      became a reason for so much hate.

iii.  two years pass with a scabbed heartache,      girl loves girl without shame,      celebrates herself with pride.      girl whispers her bravery to the stars,      sings her hopes to the moon.

iv.  identity and soul searching never cease;      girl loves boy like girl,      finds joy to spite the judgment.      girl knows others don’t define her worth,      and above all the voices, waves her flag.

#my poetry #poems #spilled ink #poetry #lgbtq #pride #love #bi #wonderboy

[melodramatq]

nemesis and her lover

a girl on a corner smokes a cigarette, exhales a cloud of half smoke, half it’s-too-damn-cold-for-this-shit, eyes water over something more than the boy she loves’ bad habit. a train rumbles by and it echoes of tainted memories in another life; the same life, too far gone. a girl on a corner smokes a cigarette, the sixth empty slot in a package she took off the girl who broke everyone’s heart, called it retribution. she’d promised him payback,  hadn’t she? a small price for love. a girl on a corner smokes a cigarette and hides bloodied knuckles  beneath a sweatshirt, hers this time, and wonders when her hands  became a staple in all her battles. thinks that there’s something real cruel about three people loving each other when nobody can stay; knows that one never really belonged, anyway. a girl on a corner smokes a cigarette, and under the light of the stars another flash of fire makes its way toward her, smoke mingling with hers. his tired eyes meet bloody hands meet her electric gaze, and there’s a story here, one for morning, maybe, but he offers his hand and she thinks that it was all worth it, to end up here, together.

#my poetry #poems #spilled ink #poetry #love #kind of? idk it's unhealthy #this is old but i like it so #have some greek myth inspired poem

[melodramatq]

what they don’t tell you about losing people

no, i don’t want to speak to you anymore. but there will always be a part of me sitting on your bed every november, when it bleeds from midnight into your birthday, singing happy birthday to you. and in february i will watch you unwrap a book and another painting. and in march i will pretend it’s not your birthday, and i will give you another bear and something sweet. i will not text or call you, but i will remember you on your birthday. you will get twenty seconds of my most cherished memory. and maybe, on my birthday, you will remember twenty seconds of me.

#my poetry #poems #spilled ink #poetry #heartbreak #moving on #yeah.

[melodramatq]

the butterfly effect

in which i decide that i want a future where i don’t love you anymore

sometimes i think i would give this all up if it meant i could have you again— but who would i be if not for my pain? i would undo every step i’ve taken if it meant having you, only you,  and happy; i’d walk away from a hundred other paths that ended up with a hundred other people. but every movement i’ve made has caused everything that’s ever happened—  butterflies in my stomach causing hurricanes in your skies. if you asked i would say i want us, happy. but if you asked me to choose: i do not know how to live without my pain. i could not love you happy, nor could you love me. so i stand in the rain and i cry, and i do not tell you that i wish i could redo all this and love you happy. i will flap my wings and cause a few more hurricanes. and someday i will become someone who can love without sacrifice, who can be happy and sad and okay. i will love someone who is not you and you will love someone who is not me and we will not talk anymore, but it will be okay, and we will be everything that right now feels impossible— ebbing and flowing, not drowning.

#my poetry #poems #heartbreak #moving on #spilled ink #poetry #chaos theory #i'll tell you the truth but never goodbye #i hope the people we become are happy

[melodramatq]

my coworker asks how i’m doing today

and i say i’m okay, i had therapy today, which isn’t so much an answer  as it is a way to say that i’m not doing very well, but someone listened to me, so i haven’t killed myself yet. but no one wants to hear that. those are the kind of thoughts that leave therapy, but are never spoken in that quiet beige room because admitting to it makes it real, and i prefer only throwing stones down that road. my scars are my own  and i pick at them when she asks me if i’ve ever wanted to hurt myself. my mouth says no but my body says, look at my hands. my body says, i want it to end, sometimes. my body says, i don’t know how to tell you this and maybe i never will.

#my poetry #spilled ink #self harm / #poetry #this has been in my drafts since november #here's to the things we don't talk about

[melodramatq]

my beholder

inspired by mary lambert’s shame is an ocean i swim across

you once asked me what did i feel shame about because i had just bought a new book of poetry and said shame is an ocean i drown in you were watching me in the dark from the passenger seat and i whispered i am ashamed of what i carry and the people i’ve disappointed and the things i could’ve become you replied with something quiet a reassurance that i didn’t deserve it wasn’t until much later that i realized you had to ask because you were not ashamed of me and that was when i knew i loved you too

#my poetry #poems #spilled ink #love #shame #poetry #otp: art therapy #there's a quote #'i need you to be ashamed of nothing that i carry' or something #it makes me think of you

[melodramatq]

as the lights blink out

six months ago i thought the hardest part of all this was going to be following your name with my friend instead of my roommate, but so much more has changed since then. and it’s not like we’re not friends anymore, not exactly, but i remember when i needed to cry you were just in the next room and now i can’t even text you when i’m happy. and it’s supposed to be okay, right, because life took us down different paths and i’m happy, i tell my therapist, but happy comes at the cost of having no one to call home except for three coworkers and a dog, but you’re living life how you want and i guess i have to accept that you didn’t save a spot for me.

one of the things they don’t tell you about growing up is that one day you’re best friends with the people that mean more to you than anything you’ve ever called your own and the next you’re sitting on your bedroom floor with birthday presents you bought for people you don’t talk to anymore, and it’s like that post that said baby shoes never worn but this time it’s best friend’s love returned to sender in a package that was left out too long in the rain.

i bought a pair of fuzzy socks in your favorite color and some nights i still can’t sleep because it’s too quiet sleeping alone. it could be okay a thousand times over and i’ll still cry when i think about you because your name is a wound i can’t stop picking. sometimes i wonder if you feel the same, choking on the ghosts of who we used to be. i don’t think i’ll ever get rid of the feeling.

#my poetry #poems #spilled ink #poetry #friendship #longing #heartbreak #growing up #things left behind #coming of age #i cried at least twice while writing this

[melodramatq]

my mind goes abstract when i think about the future

i am alone at a stoplight that is red in all directions, nothing on this night-heavy road except for me and the gentle glow. i sit patient at the stalemate; i’ve nowhere better to be than waiting. the light on the trees looks like  blood-stained, like autumn joy. looks beautiful. it glows in its own irony - full stop. the night moves around me. when i catch up with the earth’s rotation, in a burst of changing light, i try to leave the colors behind. but as i turn away, a single red light watches me go. the steady light over my shoulder -  think gatsby, think empty in all directions. the light never turns green.

--boats against the current.

#my poetry #poems #coming of age #abstract #gatsby #spilled ink #poetry

[melodramatq]

arrival

rain and wind and dark, thundering nights, the world one lightning strike from setting ablaze, sweeping a floor that never stays clean; this is what’s left behind. what i mean is-- a washed up lifeboat carried you to shore, put aside with the driftwood, and here you are. what i mean is-- you make me laugh again and the storm is so much lighter. what i mean is-- welcome home.

--and from the water we return.

#my poetry #poems #friendship #homecoming #new beginnings #healing #spilled ink #poetry #otp: art therapy #<3

[melodramatq]

departure

we say goodbye on a shoreline at sunset, the sky weeping gold into the ocean. you’re braving these unknown waters, a journey you must take on your own, but beneath that half-brave face i see the fear bubbling like the sea in a storm, churning within your heart. i know this feels titanic but you are stronger than the battles you fight, and on the sandy horizon of your homeland i will be waiting, a welcome home for our strongest fighter. for now, i hold your hand, and wait till you are ready to drop the anchor and begin. i am proud, i whisper to the waves. in the distance, you hear me, and your little boat paddles on. there will be no sinking tonight.

--no matter where you go, you’ll never be alone.

#my poetry #poems #friendship #healing #home #spilled ink #poetry #otp: art therapy #i'm proud of you

[melodramatq]

a cry for persephone’s lover

three oceans away from my soul, i tell you i miss you like the moon. i love you like something dangerous, like religion, heart bruised like wine, like knees stained from years of penance. the chasm between us calls to me like hades, a pomegranate kiss of death lingering on your lips. call for me, goddess, and i will come home. the flowers round your head are wilting. through phases i still love you; all, now most, then some of you, drifting, fading, now none of you. pull me from the depths and taste the blood red retribution spilling from my mouth. the sun rises golden like an ache, and the water glows of salvation. you hold me close and i whisper my prayer, and i dream that you ask me to stay.

--and when i wake, i’m in your arms, and we kiss each other’s tears.

#my poetry #poems #love #longing #greek mythology #persephone #spilled ink #poetry #otp: nine hundred years of time and space #i have no idea what this is #stream of consciousness

[melodramatq]

tiger striped sky

the sky was a dark blue bruise when you said / i don’t think she loves me anymore / and the plane overhead drowned out the heart break / your admission has shifted the axis just enough / to make our gravity heavy / i could ask why but i see in your eyes / that who you are now is not the person she fell in love with / and i wish there was a more convincing way to say / that it isn’t your fault / i tell you instead / the person you are now is still deserving of love / and we watch your cigarette ash flicker across the asphalt / you haven’t loved anyone like you’ve loved her / and i can’t blame you for your pain / but atlas you have shouldered your burdens alone long enough / i take your hand as we watch the sky explode / turning thunder purple and softest pink / and you ask me softly / where do i go from here? / and i think the world has gone on long enough so i say / you have to put it down / you’re not ready yet and that’s okay / but when you crush your smoldering cigarette against the ground / and the clouds glow golden against the tiger striped sky / i see the burden lift / ever so slightly

--tell me, atlas, what is heavier: the world, or your broken heart?

#my poetry #poems #heartbreak #loss #love #friendship #spilled ink #poetry #otp: art therapy #you are not alone #i hope this helps