mighthavebeenaddison

[mighthavebeenaddison]

January 2nd, 2021

Alright kids, top surgery time. I had surgery on December 30th and here’s the rundown.

I didn’t get much sleep beforehand. Maybe two or three hours. We had to be at the clinic at 6:00am so I was up at around 4:00am to shower and get ready. My mom dropped me off in front of the surgery center though she wasn’t allowed in because of covid restrictions.

They showed me in and I changed into the hospital gown. They asked a bunch of questions to confirm I was there for the right reason and to make sure I knew what kind of surgery I was getting. They put in the IV and drew incision lines all over my chest. They gave me some meds to help with anxiety while they did some nerve blockers in my chest through a series of injections on either side to help with post-op pain. That part probably hurt the most throughout the whole thing. The sedation was weird too; kinda like being drunk. After that I kinda hung out in my room and dozed until it was surgery time. I went in, probably around 9am.

They came and wheeled me in. The surgery suite was really cold but they gave me a couple of blankets in the mean time. I chatted with the nurses for a little bit while they got me on the table and strapped down my arms and legs like Jesus. One was asking me about where I’d want to travel and I remember describing an island near Dubrovnik and I just conked out. It didn’t feel like any time had passed but I remember half-waking up a while later. I remember the overwhelming feeling of the bandages being too tight and I think I passed out again.

I woke a while later, probably around noon. I felt fine, though kinda loopy and drunk still. A nurse kept an eye on me for a while and gave me some crackers and apple juice, which I promptly threw up. She called my mom and I was wheeled out to the car and I slept the whole car ride home.

#lgbtq #lgbt #transgender #trans #ftm #nonbinary #queer #top surgery #dysphoria

[mighthavebeenaddison]

explain your gender in 10 words or less without using boring words like “male”, “female”, “nonbinary”, “masculine”, “feminine” or “androgynous”.

go!

#Kinda off-color and a little to the left

[mighthavebeenaddison]

November 29th, 2020

I was just approved and scheduled for top surgery! I go in on the morning of December 30th. I got a message from my provider giving me the scheduling for my surgery as well as all the pre and post op appointments.

They gave me a whole list of instructions and procedures and prepping a month before, the week before, the day before, and the day of. It’s a lot of information and I need a lot of reading. I think it’s also time for me to do some last minute research from other transmasc people.

I’m open to any advice or questions ya’ll got.

#lgbt #trans #transgender #transmasculine #ftm #nonbinary #queer #top surgery #double mastectomy #double incision #surgery prep #i'm having a lot of emotions #I'm nervous

[mighthavebeenaddison]

October 15th, 2020

Mammograms are hella uncomfortable. Looking forward to never doing that again.

[mighthavebeenaddison]

October 2nd, 2020

I had my titty consultation appointment today! This is going to be a long one so it’ll be under the cut.

Here’s what happened:

I got a bunch of paperwork a few days prior and had to fill that out and bring it to the appointment. They took the paperwork as well as the letter from my therapist to verify that they had the right information.

After that the surgeon went through the surgery information. Basically how it’s done, the basics of recovery, and how everything works. I asked a few questions but for the most part, he answered them before I could ask. They also took some measurements and some pictures which honestly weren’t as awkward as I was expecting. The surgeon and the assisting nurse had a very laid back “yup, seen it all before” kind of attitude which I appreciated.

Apparently they’ll verify with my insurance and I’ll have to get a mammogram to send to them. I’ll also have to get one more pre-op appointment before the day. He said if everything goes well, he could do the surgery as soon as mid to late November! That’s crazy ya’ll! I don’t think I’ll be having it that soon though. I’m still in school and part of that is working with horses on the daily. I’m shooting for end of December or early January so I’ll have a full 4-6 weeks to recover before getting back to the grind and I won’t have any chance of injuring myself while working with the animals.

After the surgery, there’ll be a post-op appointment a week or two afterwards to remove dressings/drains and show me how to take care of the incisions. And then another one about a month down the line, and a third four or five months down the line to see how it’ll be long-term.

Aaaaand the feelings:

Guys... Ya’lll... I’M SO EXCITED. This is also when the nerves are getting real. I’ve never been put under before (with the exception of a tonsillectomy when I was like five but I don’t remember that). I’m a bit nervous about that but I’m more worried for the pain afterwards and having to wear a post-op binder for two weeks afterwards. I know it’s not as tight as a normal binder but I get very anxious when I have to wear anything tight around my ribs. I guess that’s something I’m going to have to work though.

I’ll be briefly moving back in with my mom during recovery. Thankfully we get along so that part shouldn’t be too bad. Another thing I’m worried about is being vulnerable. I haven’t been this vulnerable in years so it’s going to be strange.

Thing’s are bound to get pretty eventful over the next couple of months so I’ll keep you updated. Sorry for the long read!

#lgbtq #queer #trans #transgender #ftm #nonbinary #transmasc #transmasculine #gay #lgbt #i'm having a lot of emotions #i'm very excited #holy shit #this is actually happeneing #WOAH #top surgery #double mastectomy #double incision #i'm nervous #nerves

[mighthavebeenaddison]

September 20th, 2020

I’ve been going to a gender clinic for a while in order to get a letter for top surgery.

The surgeon called a while back to reschedule so now my consultation date is scheduled for October 3rd. I’ve been putting together a list of questions for my surgeon. I’m pretty nervous but I’m hoping I’ll get a surgery date over winter break so I’ll be able to get back to work by the start of spring semester.

#lgbt #lgbtq #trans #transgender #ftm #nonbinary #transmasculine #queer #top surgery

[mighthavebeenaddison]

June 30th, 2020

Are you happy? If not, what do you hope will grant you happiness in the future?

I am. I’m actually really happy right now.

I’m in a good situation and I have so many plans that I’m excited for.

I’m really, really happy.

#transgender #transmasculine #trans #ftm #nonbinary #queer #lgbtq #traveling #norway #top surgery #pride month

[mighthavebeenaddison]

June 29th, 2020

What are you the most scared of?

If we’re talking about everyday fears, I tell people I’m afraid of deep water and space. It’s the concept of being in a place I can’t breathe and the idea that there are things out there that I can’t see, or have no knowledge of.

If we’re talking about a deeper fear, well that’s a whole other story. I’m afraid of losing my memory. I already have a terrible memory but I’m worried about it getting worse. In the midst of my depressive episode, I had this sort of brain fog that made it so much worse. I was in such a haze that I couldn’t tell how much time had passed or follow a conversation. By the time someone had finished a sentence, I had already forgotten the beginning of it. It was one of the most terrifying things I’d ever experienced and I never want it to happen again.

#fears #pride month #well this took a darker turn than I expected

[mighthavebeenaddison]

June 28th, 2020

People that mean a lot to you.

My college best friend

My parents

My sister

My high school best friend

My friend down in Wisconsin

My cats (does that count?)

If so, literally any horse I’ve ever ridden

#transgender #transmasculine #trans #ftm #nonbinary #lgbtq #queer #pride month

[mighthavebeenaddison]

June 27th, 2020

Five ways to win your heart

Take me hiking

Talk D&D to me

Teach me about something you’re interested in

Exist in the same space as me

Don’t leave things unsaid, don’t hint at things (I won’t catch it)

#transgender #transmasculine #ftm #trans #nonbinary #lgbtq #queer #pride month #idk man

[mighthavebeenaddison]

June 26th, 2020

Things that cross your mind a lot.

I think a lot about traveling. My mom traveled for work a fair amount and I got to go with her every so often when I was a teenager. More recently, I’ve been looking at grad schools in the Europe. There’s a program in Norway I’m really interested in and I hopeful for. I still have to talk to my school counselor about what kind of qualifying exams I need to take and how the application process is different from in the US.

I think a lot about horses. I rode horses in high school and have been able to continue riding in college because of the program I’m in, with pauses due to a brief stint as a neuroscience major, and then for the virus. I just recently signed up for riding lessons to improve my seat in a western saddle for a training program I’m interested in next year. The place is small and a bit barebones but I don’t need anything fancy. I’m excited to be riding again.

I think a lot about trans stuff (obviously).

I think a lot about art. I write and draw, but my favorite at the moment are grey-scale markers.

I think a lot about my books. I read... A LOT. Probably too much according to my parents and professors.

#travel #grad school #study abroad #horses #equestrian #lgbtq #art #transmasculine #nonbinary #pride month

[mighthavebeenaddison]

June 25th, 2020

Weirdest things about you

Today I listened to the first verse of Get Down from Six: the musical, for about an hour straight

And then listened to Six from the same musical for another hour

I’m a firm believer that the forks need to go on the left in the silverware drawer and the knives need to be on the right

My left side is my lucky side

I don’t talk to myself but I do sing to myself

I’m not superstitious... but I’m a little superstitious

I’m learning Norwegian and plan on learning Dutch or Icelantic next

I’m told I don’t share a lot about myself

unless I’m with my family; then I don’t shut up

I still watch certain kid’s cartoons on netflix

My phone is always on silent. I don’t even know what my ringtone sounds like, but I have personalized vibration patterns for each of my friends

Most of the time, I can’t tell if my dreams are real or not

I’m incapable of doing nothing. I always need something in my hands, even when I’m watching a movie. That’s why I embroider

I hate the texture of mushrooms and shrimp

I can’t sleep unless I’m basically exhausted

I’ll be so focused on specific tasks that I don’t hear anything else, even when someone is saying my name

I always get an iced mocha from the cafe

I talk with my hands

I have one random speck of brown in my left eye

I’ve been debating whether or not to shave my head for the last year

#transgender #transmasculine #trans #ftm #nonbinary #lgbtq #queer #pride month

[mighthavebeenaddison]

Things they don’t tell you about top surgery

- Talk to the surgeon about the size you want your new areolas/nipples (don’t be afraid to ask)

- Numbness. No one talks about this for guys who are about to have surgery. You’re going to be numb all in your chest area, especially where the incisions were. They cut nerves as they pass along your chest, and it can take up to a year to regenerate those nerves. Still, feels super foreign for the first two weeks

- Make your bed into a pillow chair, body pillow, two on each side, and two for your head. 

- Sleep alone. I tried to sleep with my girlfriend and it was miserable. You really do need the entire bed for yourself

- Go on Groupon, & get yourself a 10 foot lightning cable iPhone charger, BEST THING EVER, can reach from wherever you are

- Don’t take a week off from work, take two. You will regret the one week, and love the extra time

- When they say “don’t move too much, even after the first week”. LISTEN. I moved way too much and got so sore super quickly. 

- Drink lots of water & eat if your taking the pain medication, otherwise your stomach feels super funky.

- Get stool softeners, & don’t be afraid to take those babies. Don’t wait a week to poop. you’ll surely regret it. 

- The drains are scary & they may hurt while draining or rewrapping your dressings, but once they come out, the second they do, its no more pain, its crazy. 

i hope this helps someone, because i wish i knew all of this when i was having mine a month ago. Looking back its like everyone forgets all the real negatives, its a great experience, & i healed very well & quick compared to most, but the first few days are crazy. They hurt, suck but it gets better. 

#transgender #nonbinary #ftm #trans #lgbtq #transmasculine #queer #top surgery

[mighthavebeenaddison]

June 24th, 2020

Today my speech coach sent me a link to a survey that my high school administration put out, asking for reports of racism, homophobia, transphobia, sexism, or any other negative experiences with administration or teachers. I once told her about an experience I had with another teacher and she asked that I consider reporting it through the survey.

Sophomore year I took a forensics class with a teacher we’ll call Mr. Johnson. At some point during that year I came out as trans and emailed all of my teachers informing them that I’d be changing my name and pronouns. Most of my teachers were really supportive, Mr. Johnson included. He used the right name in pronouns. He was my favorite teacher at the time. I loved the class and we would often have long (off-topic) discussions and debates on various social or science topics. During finals week, our conversation turned towards LGBT+ topics. He said that trans people don’t exist, are not discriminated against, and compared the difficulty of being a trans person to the troubles of being left-handed. This was said, not just in earshot of me, but directly to me only a few weeks after I came out to him.

I freaked out a bit. I was newly out and it was the first time I had ever received any kind of negative reaction to my identity. I left the classroom with a friend and we walked the halls until I calmed down. When we came back, class was just about over. Mr. Johnson knew he had upset me and apologized. The ironic thing was that in my next class, I had to give a persuasive speech about protections for trans people. I had to give that speech puffy-eyed and still shaking from our conversation.

It was really difficult, but I sent it. I’m kinda nervous about what kind of follow up there might be, but I suppose we’ll see.

#transgender #transmasculine #lgbtq #queer #nonbinary #pride month #honestly fuck mr johnson though

[mighthavebeenaddison]

June 23rd, 2020

Music (talk about it how you will).

Okay, I’ve been called weird because of this before, but until recently I wasn’t a huge fan of music. I didn’t really get why people listened to music. However, my dad and my best friend really liked music so I listened to their stuff. It wasn’t until I was sixteen or seventeen that I really started listening to my own music.

For some reason, music became an incredibly private thing for me. I only listen to my own music when I’m driving alone. When anyone else is in the car, I hand them the aux cord or turn on the radio. My best friend from high school has only heard my music once or twice in all the years we’ve known each other. My current best friend has heard more of it but that’s still very rare. My last girlfriend and I had been going out for over a year before she ever heard my music. I don’t know man, it’s just a weird thing with me.

Here are some of my favorite songs at the moment. 1. The Bullpen (live) by Dessa 2. Story of My Life by 4th & Orange 3. Daughter by Ryan Cassata 4. Hustle by Pink 5. Closer to Fine by Indigo Girls 6. Friends by Animal Years 7. Sky Full of Song by Florence + the Machine

#transgender #transmasculine #ftm #nonbinary #queer #lgbtq #music #pride month #song list

[mighthavebeenaddison]

June 22nd, 2020

Things that make you euphoric.

1. When I’m traveling to a new place or trying something new. That feeling of excitement when you get to the airport or get in the car for a road trip; nothing better.

2. When I know I’m passing out in public. I either get very confused looks from people trying to determine my gender or when people say “Oh, he was here first” when referring to me.

3. When I’m on a horse. The best moments are when we’ve been learning something more difficult and I’m able to do it correctly. That short “good” from my professor or instructor is awesome.

#transgender #nonbinary #ftm #lgbtq #trans #transmasculine #queer #pride month #horses #equestrian

[mighthavebeenaddison]

June 21st, 2020

Something you’re most proud of and why.

I’m really proud of how I’m doing in school and in general. I was always The Smart Kid all through middles school and beginning of high school which was great back then. However, I didn’t know how to study and that started effecting my classes. Junior year, I was hit really hard with that good old depression and anxiety. Not only did I feel like shit, but it was affecting my memory and I didn’t have any healthy habits to fall back on. I failed an english class and came very close to failing a couple of others. I had to make up the class and I went back to therapy, I started figuring stuff out and got some more healthy habits, including learning how to study, and I did a lot better senior year (though still not wonderful).

I got into a couple of nice state schools and decided to go to one pretty close to home and save some money with in-state tuition. Over the last couple of years, I’ve been trying really hard in school and I feel like I’m doing well. My grades are slowly improving, I’m having fun, and I feel like I’m in a better mental place than I’ve been in for a while.

#transgender #transmasculine #trans #ftm #nonbinary #lgbtq #queer #grades #mental health #mental illness #school #college