misshappilyfading

[misshappilyfading]

reflections + hopes vii

still here but in EST finally : ) referencing last year's post

again, i did a LOT this year. the whole year was kinda weird but not at all in a bad way. im happy with my 2023

good things:

i kept my exercise promise! and i found new fun ways to work out which really helped things : )

was my fandom regression to SJ a good thing? idk but it really jumpstarted my korean study and listening skills. and it was fun

watched a lot of really good kdramas and knowing brothers eps

my parents got to visit me in japan! they saw my apartment and stuff which i didn't think was gonna be possible

i went to south korea!! the trip was really fun and i had lots of good food

morning royal bread + smoothie + sausage and eggs :) or ikea meatballs + eggs

i saw twice in tokyo!

lawson ebi-kun

spring anime season was amazing. the shojo revival was wonderful

my kyushu (+hiroshima) trip!! i saw so much and ate so much

my trips to chubu, nagoya, and nagano were also fun. got to wrap up my last few bucket list trips in japan

went to 2 real cultural festivals

took a birthday trip to okinawa, sanrio puroland, and decorated a cute tiny cake!

okinawa food is good as fuck man

finally went to karaoke in japan

started grad school with full funding at a super prestigious school

actually having so much fun in grad school!! and i've made new friends easy peasy!

went on my first date (liked someone who liked me back for once)

finished my first semester with all A's : )

i learned 35 kpop dances this year! and they were all super fun

came home for christmas and made some kick ass food

i didn't eat great all year but i did try + i exercised so i'll give myself 0.75 points. i guess i technically have savings?? haven't taken N1 yet and I didn't do one song a month...so 7.75/11 goals completed? which is better good imo

2024:

(even more seriously this time) eat better this year

keep exercising consistently and try a new routine

maintain perfect dental hygiene (brush and floss the right way, 2x a day)

put down the bottle! limit myself to 1-2 drinks per week

get back to budgeting and making strict grocery/expense lists

take N1 (and pass)

study abroad in South Korea

start returning "i love you"s to my parents

finish grad school with my 4.0 intact

learn at least 3 kpop dances each month

get rid of my student loans

continue staying safe from covid, rsv, flu!

#and that's that! #these become more fun as i get older and am less depressed #like wow i have actually stuff to do #i have a life! #hoping these good vibes continue into 2024 and my...mid 20s :0

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i might start posting long personal stuff on here more often

hardly anyone i know irl follows me here so there's no like...expectation for someone to acknowledge (validate) what im saying like there is for me on twitter...

it's been over a month since i left japan but sometimes i think about going back. there were so many things i disliked, but i liked my autonomy, i liked traveling, i liked my routine and lifestyle (the good parts, at least). i think it's just hard being back in the suburbs where you can't do anything or go anywhere if you don't have a car. im also low on cash, so not much money to splurge on fun stuff. which really doesn't matter too much because i leave for grad school next week

i have a summer assignment and my lack of motivation to start working on it kinda scares me. like is this a precursor to a year of struggling with procrastination? or am i just not grad school material? im going for something stupid that isn't work much money, but would hopefully help my resume stand out? even though articles say that's one of the worse reasons to get a master's. idk i just thought it'd help me decide if i wanted to pursue a PhD and help me stall from job searching. i don't have a lot of confidence in my ability as a student, never have really, so im feeling..a lot as next week approaches. i also haven't received my stipend yet but im too scared to ask about it so that's fun

i don't wanna put too much faith in one thing, but im hoping if i can get back on a nice daily schedule once im on campus, i'll be in a better headspace to work on academic stuff and somehow get through the year. idk, we'll see

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more stuff that's too long, too tmi for twitter

it's been 8 years (oof) since i had my initial sexuality crisis and it seems like i've had (am having??) one again. august seems like a special month for me.

alll the way back in 2014/15, i had that period where i felt super uncomfortable looking at women's bodies bc i was trying to..repress something. and then for like 3 days i thought i was homoromantic het bc i needed some explanation that was not "i'm gay". then i had my little ace rabbit hole spiral, freaked out for a couple days, then realized that im asexual. het ace. and i felt so firm in this sexuality that i summed up my suppressed preoccupation with women's breasts, thighs, etc. as aesthetic appreciation. a superficial one at that. nothing deep. bc im still partially straight

then in 2016, i had my first(?) crush on a girl in the most stereotypical, cliche way possible and i didn't know what to do with myself for a whole year. so that was the beginning of my bi(romantic)-questioning saga.

in 2017, i ran into the same girl again but didn't have my dokidoki kyun moment so i figured i had overreacted and was still straight. the rest of 2017-2018 was me being het ace but getting bolder and bolder about looking at girls, thinking about girls, making jokes about being a lesbian, etc.

things kinda reached a head in 2019?? i had a really bad crush on a girl (+ maybe 2-3 minor ones??) but i gaslit myself out of all of them and i generally started realizing that my thoughts..were not straight. ((me watching chuang with my mom around this time and noting how i felt/reacted to seeing some of the girls kinda had a big impact too)) cue a 4 year bi-questioning era. which i also kinda felt would be impossible to figure out bc on top of being ace, i also have a big fear of like...non-sexual intimacy with other ppl?? + relationship commitment/expectations? so i was kinda like, if i scared to date a girl, how am i supposed to know whether i actually like girls???

but then after 4 years of "idfk" this year, i at least came to the conclusion/realization that all those crushes i retconned in my memory were actual crushes. with all the same physical reactions and emotions i'd felt before with boys. so now i have tentatively slapped the label bi ace on myself. but now im kinda ??? bc i've never really identified as lgbt. seeing all the discourse around asexuals, esp het aces, made me kinda feel like there was no need to identify as lgbt. but now im like...what. do i do? im also kinda 😬 thinking about all the times i led my brother to believe i was gay...and now that it's not really a joke anymore the consequences of my actions are 🥹 which is fun :)))

but whatever. in short, i am a dumbass. idk what im doing but i doubt i'll ever come out to my parents at this point. does that actually matter? idk. i don't know anything. i hope nobody reads this. i have no profound thoughts or insight to offer

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reflections + hopes vi

wow im still in JST and referencing last year’s post : )

i did so much this year. a lot happened to me, but i think the latter half was better than the first half? so overall 2022 was a good year (in comparison??)

good things:

i traveled a LOT. i have never traveled this much in my life. i went to tokyo for the first time (then like 6x afterwards), around kanto, tohoku, hokkaido, and kansai. very very fun trips

passed N2!

i got used to my job and ended up doing lots of things i never saw myself doing like designing posters or running an entire program on my own!

this year’s idou was really what my coworkers needed and im happy i got to meet more nice people

i grew closer to some of the ppl i met through J*T

my GW trip was so fun. i literally went across the country for a tkrb exhibit and it was amazing. i saw mt. fuji! i stayed in tokyo for over a week and went to the beach for the first time in 13-15 years!

my sanrio birthday (ice cream) cake was so cute

finally went to an animate cafe for the first time and ran around southern tohoku

hokkaido was so much fun and i’ve wanted to go there since i was like 16. i got so much good food and souvenirs

i FINALLY went to the naruto theme park i’d wanted to go to since high school! and it was so so fun!

i went to the k-on school in shiga! i saw kyoani’s studio in kyoto!!

got to see a bunch of tobira spots in kyoto

had a nice little christmas at home : )

i watched a LOT of good anime this year. and good netflix shows

my fall shopping spree was much needed. my wardrobe is so much better for it now

i didn’t take N1 (yet) but i do think my speaking skills have improved so i think...6/11 goals completed! not the best but better than nothing : )

2023:

(seriously this time) exercise and eat better all year

have savings again by the end of the year!

take N1 (and pass)

start studying korean (consistently)

get into a grad school program (that’s right for me with full funding)

go to the dentist on my own like a real adult!!

learn 20 kpop dances by the end of the year

maybe translate at least one song per month?

maybe just maybe...learn how to play the shamisen?

pls Joe and supreme court, take my debt away

continue staying safe from covid!

#all done! #ngl my mental health rn is maybe the best it's been all year who knows #im excited to finish up my time here in japan in the most fun way possible #i hope 2023 is a good year for me #sankyuu 2022

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reflections + hopes v

let’s pretend im in EST

referencing this post from last year. i can’t believe it’s been 5 years since i started doing this... um. this was our first full year of covid and a LOT of life changes happened for me. i think 2021 was an okay year overall for me though. really thankful that those close to me stayed safe the whole year

good things that happened:

finally got a 3rd piercing!

got to attend my last few classes and a*ko in-person

got a super cool dorm room and decorated it really nicely

tkrb without actually playing tkrb

graduated(!!) with double honors and my goal gpa!

tried some new hair styles that turned out great

got to spend a lot of time with my parents over the summer

got to see my sister again!

and my friends :)

i7 without actually playing i7

exercised consistently for a while and got better at dancing (imo)

just dancing in general

finally go to go to japan, just in time before things got shut down again

quarantine tonkatsu

bought some cute clothes

babbies first series

that electric citrus sake

i watched so many good anime this year, it was kinda ridiculous

took N2 (probably passed) and felt like my japanese imprved a lot

im also writing this from tokyo and i got to do lots of fun stuff here

possibly 4/6 goals completed? i took the N2 but don’t have results yet and uh...i have no control over ending covid...or getting my license at this point. but everything else i did more or less!

2022:

i want to improve my japanese (especially speaking skills)...maybe aim for N1 and pass??

i want to see some personal and professional growth in my job

i want to improve my self-control and budget better (or rather stick to my budget more)

i want to apply to a good grad school program (and get accepted and fully funded!)

i want to stick to my loan payment timeline

still wanna exercise more consistently and eat better

i wanna move to a better apartment!

maybe...make a japanese friend? or just a close by friend

I WANT TO BE OSHARE and i really want to find a fashion style that suits me

want to explore japan more

...maybe join a local organization..like taiko?

take care of my mental health. please

stay safe from covid!

oops many goals now. guess i am...“adulting”

#thanks for taking one of the shittiest times and giving me nice little things 2021 #you weren't an awful year #2022 pls be nice to me im kinda fragile

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I’m going to japan tomorrow! im excited but scared. I hope I don’t miss my parents and friends too much

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oyasumi punpun

*6 years later*

got too embarrassing to leave on twitter so i’m putting these here:

i tried to read oyasumi punpun when i was 15 and it was too much for me. i think because i had started reading violent manga like tokyo ghoul the year before, i thought i could handle adult themes. i think i heard somewhere that opp was the first manga to show female pubic hair??

at any rate, on top of the sexual content, which i was unfamiliar with, the overall tone was so grim...i felt like the more i read, the heavier and darker i felt. so about 30 chapters in, i stopped and told myself i'd finish it when i was older. 

i did a lot of stupid shit as a kid, but i'm still a little surprised that i actually came to the conclusion that i was probably too young to be reading it if it was making me feel so bad emotionally. and then me actually putting it down and walking away. 

so almost 7 years later i have finally finished! i thought it'd be different this time since i've had depression and read porn now and i was right. that heavy feeling i used to get never really came. maybe it wasn't the best manga to read when i'm kinda sad, but it was good. 

i guess it's obvious but i feel like i have some sort of proof that i've matured? sometimes i feel like a kid, sometimes i'm starkly and abruptly aware that i'm an adult.

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re: acnh 2020

i wanna post this on twitter but it’s super fucking long

Recently, I saw a video about playing acnh during quarantine vs afterwards and it inspired me to start playing again. The guy in the video basically had the same experience I did where he played for hours during March/April 2020, trying to catch up/compete with his friends but ultimately ended up overwhelmed and discouraged knowing that he just...never would.

iirc, I played every day from March 20th to around the end of May/early June. There was just so much I wanted to do and it wasn't just my friends' islands I'd compare mine to, but also like...hundreds of people on the internet who'd post their amazing designs and layouts. It's not like I was unhappy with my island, but I knew certain things just weren't possible for me to create and that frustrated me. Every morning as soon as I woke up, I’d open ACNH so I could:

check my mail

buy/sell turnips (I spent HOURS on turnip exchange)

water my hybrid flower patches

check nook’s crossing for new items

check town hall’s catalogue for new items

check able and sister’s for new clothes

collect the daily DIY in a bottle

harvest foreign fruit from my (4) groves

Outside of my morning routine, I’d spent even more time doing construction on the island, decorating my home, flying to friends’ islands for DIYs or cataloguing, making pro designs, searching for rare islands and cuter villagers, trying to catch all the seasonal bugs and fish, so on and so forth. It was extremely fun, but after 2 months, it began to wear on me. The beginning of the end was definitely the Flick Incident.

To sum things up neatly, one of my friends and I began storing our bugs so we could sell them to Flick at a higher price. Even though most guides at the time said that Flick should visit every 2 weeks, he didn’t show up on my island until ~5 weeks after I’d started stashing my bugs. It was torture because I’d wake up every morning hoping that today was finally the day I could stop playing from 5-7pm just to farm expensive butterflies, could stop having an entire section of my island lag horribly because there were so many bugs in one spot, could finally earn my bells and begin construct on the spaces taken up. And every day for 5-ish weeks, he wasn’t there. Everyday, I became angrier and angrier. On top of that, I was still trying to get my island to 5*, get KK to come, search every night for shooting stars to get DIY materials, get more bells so I could expand my home-- it was just a mess. I had random, ugly villagers I hated but couldn’t afford to spend hours searching for new ones. I’d spend about 3-4 hours a week searching for the islands with good turnip prices and low visit fees. All the while, I’m still trying to copy other people’s designs to make my island look nicer. (I also went back to work in May while I was enrolled in a summer class, so there’s some extra outside stress.) 

All this to say, there were a lot of things making me unhappy and waiting for Flick was adding fuel to the fire. But eventually Flick came and I got my bells. I finished my big plan for a playground area. I wished on lots of shooting stars. I made millions of bells on turnips. I reached my last house expansion. Things were...okay. Just okay because by now, I was forcing myself to play. Near the end, I was so tired of the game, I’d finish my morning routine and not touch it until the next day. The very last straw was when I started crying over the prospect of buying $30-50 amiibo cards. I had like this moment of clarity like...why the fuck am I crying over a video game? Because I don’t want to spend more money on it? Because I’ve grown that frustrated? If I’m unhappy, then what’s the point of playing?

I still played every morning for maybe a week after that, but one day I kinda told myself, “If I don’t wanna play anymore, then just stop” and so I did. Everyday became once every few days, then once a week, then...nothing. I felt disappointment that there was seemingly nothing left I wanted to do on my island, but I also felt intense relief not forcing myself to play anymore.

So, fast forward a year and some change after launch and I watch this video. After taking a break from the game, he talks about how he came back and learned to just...enjoy it. For himself, at his own pace. And then I started to wonder if 10 months was long enough for me to restart. So I charged my dead switch and started to play.

I think today is the...3rd(?) day in a row I’ve opened acnh. Most of my friends don’t play anymore and those who do don’t post about their islands often. I don’t have switch online now, so it’s not like I can them visit either. I feel like I’ve missed a lot, but I’m excited to try things differently this time. Maybe I’ll make it to Fall this year. Or maybe I’ll be stop after the bug tourney. I’m not sure. Now is not the best time in my life to dive headfirst back into playing but I don’t know. Maybe just for this spring break, I need a little time to myself and this is how I’ll get it.

#i did not think this would be so long #back to thesis hell

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reflections + hopes iv

I am referencing this post from last year : )

2020 was shit for everyone. Therefore, I feel like there’s no reason to really dwell on all the bad stuff that happened. This year was just kinda...???

Good things that happened:

- Visited my sister in D.C./Maryland

- Got better at Japanese??? I got N3 certified

- Got better at my job? Made lots of money and bought lots of nice stuff

- Made new friends at GSU

- I bought LOTS of cool prints and nick-knacks

- Started playing lots of mobage and bought a switch

- acnh/enst quarantine month : )

- (The mobage made really good jpn practice!)

- Turned legal, tried lots of alcohol, got used to the taste

- Got to watch some really good fall anime

- Got closer to some college friends and made a new friend!

- Got an(other) internship

- Went the whole year without contracting COVID!!

I had concrete plans to complete 3/6 of my goals from last year, but COVID killed them. But I did complete all my other goals!

2021:

- I want to graduate on time with both my majors!

- Driver’s license...please

- I want to find a really nice job and move out successfully

- I still wanna take and pass the N2

- I want to keep exercising and eating better

- I want COVID to end : ) pls

#im still alive #that's all that matters tbh #goodbye 2020 #oof

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reflections + hopes iii

As you can see, I’m really not active on this blog anymore but this is the best place for me to post this! References this post from last year : )

2019: not as bad as 2018, but not that great either. I have a lot of good memories though.

Good:

Dyed my hair for the first time and it looked great 

Finally got to experience having a good roommate

Made lots of friends!

Made lots of great memories with a*ko ppl

Successfully worked 4 jobs while taking 5 classes

Drank alcohol for the first time!!

Had a great summer working and hanging out with my friends

TWICE concert!

Went to NYC for my birthday

Saw the Dear Evan Hansen musical in Boston

Started collecting enamel pins

Binged some reaaaally good anime over the summer

Got drunk for the first time

Met a seiyuu for the first time(!!)

Popeyes spicy chicken sandwich 

Took the N3 and (probably) passed

lol I only completed one goal from last year oops

2020:

今年こそ、日本！ I will get to Japan come hell or high water.

I want to pass the N2

I want to eat better and get back to the gym

I want to go all year with a great A1C and no DKAs

I want to start my thesis and finish my majors smoothly

I want to get my driver’s license 

#goodbye 2019 #thank you 2010s #if anyone's still around: happy new years

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#i listened to this A LOT senior year #strange memories #good music

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#aestethic

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https://www.instagram.com/p/BnIbekkF884/

#idk where to put this #they're peaches

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#aestethic

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名古屋グルメ みほの食べ歩き

#strawberries #dessert

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anyone: *says something to me*

me: haha yeahh

me in head: what did they just say

#sad yee

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190615

#jimin #bts