myselfdoubtcontained

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Every now and then I wonder about my sexuality. I have my romantic attraction pretty well pinned down (for the moment) but my sexuality can still give me troubles. I know that I am only sexually attracted to women but I also don’t need sex in a relationship. If my partner said they didn’t want to have sex anymore I don’t think I would mind at all. Do I still get horny? Absolutely. But I have little interest in actually having sex, I could just as easily masturbate instead. Is it just a low sex drive? Is it on the spectrum of Asexuality? I have no idea

#lgbt #lgbtq #personal #sexuality #leabian #asexuality #relationship

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I wish that anxiety and depression were like physical illnesses. At least with a stomach bug you can throw up and feel better. I can’t just throw up to get rid of my anxiety.

#personal #school #stressed #anxiety #depressed

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I understand why people kill themselves now

#tw: suicide mention #suicide tw #tw death #tw: death #stressed

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Do you ever just, not want to be perceived. Like, just don’t look at me, I don’t want to exist. But you know if you talk to anyone about it they’ll just tell you that you look great and will compliment you which would be nice any other time but right now you just want them to tell you that sometimes it’s okay to just not want your physical form to exist? Thank you, I understand that you think I’m pretty, but I do not want to have a physical form rn thanks

#personal #body image issues I guess #do not perceive me

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Listening to someone talk about costs and legality of having a child as a lesbian couple and holy shit it just makes me not want to have kids. Ducking sucks that my girlfriend wants one.

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Ugh. I feel like shit. My girlfriend and I have been talking to each other less due to scheduling conflicts and I’m just starting to feel lonely and shit. But I know it’s not her fault.

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Lol just gonna cry myself to sleep tonight I guess. Kms

#personal #sad #upset

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My girlfriend is such a pessimist (she admits this too, this isn’t me calling her out for that specifically) and I am such a hardcore optimist most of the time that dealing with her shooting me down every time I try and offer her something about her situation to be happy about is so FUCKING EXHAUSTING. Most of the time I just drop the topic and disengage. I can’t.

#personal #pessimist #optimist #upset #exhausted

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I never thought I would be so glad to be exhausted physically and mentally. If I had any energy I’d probably be relapsing into self harm right now. But I don’t. So instead I’m gonna cry myself to sleep.

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I am sad. And tired. And lonely. That is all.

#personal #sad #lonely #tired

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Oh god. I can feel myself approaching the point where everything is just too much. I’m about to topple over the edge and right into a breakdown. Fuck.

#personal

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Haha, I just curbed a panic attack all on my own while on call with friends and no one caught on to me. I am winning at mental health lol

#personal #anxiety #panic

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I’m so stressed I think I might be making myself physically sick. I feel like I might throw up.

#personal #sick #stressed #school

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The hardest part about being polyamorous while in a relationship with someone who is strictly monogamous (and I very clearly agreed to be monogamous with her when we got together) is that my ideal relationship is with my current girlfriends and one of our mutual friends.

#personal #relationship

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Have you ever done your best, just given your all to something only to have it still turn out not as good as you know you can do? Because I think that is the worst feeling in the world. I tried so hard, did my absolute best, and I’m still falling short. I don’t know what to do.

#personal

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So, COVID hasn’t really taken that much from me. I’m really lucky and the biggest inconvenience has been wearing a mask around. I always had a job when I wanted one, I hadn’t been planning on walking my college graduation anyway, and I luckily haven’t gotten sick, nor has anyone important to me gotten sick. And I understand what a privilege it is to be able to say those things.

However, I’ve been going to see Trans-Siberian Orchestra since I was six, and I’m twenty-two now. First it was just my dad and I, and then my younger sister joined us. Each year I got a tour book with the year printed on it and pictures from the show in it. I treasure those books with my whole heart and I look forward to getting on every year. It CRUSHES me to know that I won’t get to see them in person this year. That I’ll have a gap in my tour books. That this year I don’t get to do that special thing that I always look forward to.

It feels like such a first world problem right now, but it really sucks. And I worry even more about how I’ll feel at that point. When the day comes and then passes. I don’t know what I’ll do.

#personal #it’s late okay #trans siberian orchestra #sad #upset #COVID

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I was all excited to buy my girlfriend a gift and I picked up a duplicate of the product for myself because I thought it was an incredibly fun product. I still think the price I got it for was a steal (it was homemade, and I expect to pay more for homemade stuff) but now I feel bad about spending so much money. Maybe I should have only ordered one, but it’s too late now. Why can’t I ever just let myself be excited over something?

#personal