oishishie

[oishishie]

Hi, it’s me again, for a rant.

Well, what a glorious night to have a breakdown. Today feel’s so dull and cold, and the worst way to end it was having a broken phone. Couldn’t help but break it all down to waterfall.  I feel like I have no one to depend on right now, I just feel so alone. I feel like I have no one to turn to. I want to be held, I want to be comforted by the world. I feel like, I have detached too much from everything that I have lost it all.  I’m afraid that I did. I have become the introverted person I did not wish to be. Just because of healing my traumas. And I hate it so much, I resent it, it makes me angry that I burst into tears.  So here I am, ranting on this old account, because I feel like I have no safe space anymore. I feel like I have no one to trustm or just mainly no one cares about the current me anymore. And I’m ghjaving difficulty typing because I can’t see my screen anymore. 

#hello #goodbye

[oishishie]

[oishishie]

[oishishie]

Life has been great lately.

Wow, here we are once again with my mushroom appearance here on tumblr. Hi! It's me again. I am now doing well. In a good relationship, post-midterms relaxation, and my clear skin-but-suddenly-a-huge-pimple appeared phase. Not quite the most perfect but, I'm honestly doing great. This is what being financially stable does, huh? I am now being funded (academically and necessary stuff) by my aunt and uncle who have migrated in another country (I call them mamu and papu now). Basically, I am now their other child. They've given me my mac, a printer, and even an ergonomic pink office chair! It's easy to be productive now, when you have the right things with you. I am grateful for them. Back then, I would break down just thinking how I'm about to stop college soon because I couldn't afford it. Now, my manifestations have grew and I'm so grateful for the progress of my life. Time has gone by so fast and reading through my old posts, hell, I've surely grown. I'm glad that I'm out of this phases of heartbreak and downfall and even picking myself up. Sure, I'm still growing and making my way towards the best version of myself but, I'm happy now. I am content. Thanks, Reiiel for suggesting I get some time of social media (tiktok, facebook, ig, & twitter). We may be too busy nor having problems with our line of communication but I'm glad to have a mature partner. I don't even know if you'll read this 😂 but honey, thank you choosing me. I'm glad that you're here with me through all the phases of my life. Enjoy this photobooth pics of mine ❤️this was a week of me feeling pretty yet so comfy with my own skin. That's all, ciao!

#blog #selfie #life update #personal #aesthetic

[oishishie]

How would you know if someone is perfect for you? Would it be the way he touches you? Or by the way his pupils grow when he suddenly looks at you?

How would you know?

If someone truly cared for you, will he spend nights with prayers and goodnight? Would it be an act of wishing you luck or will it be a wish of spending eternity together?

How would you know?

If someone really loved you? Would it be the way he stays at dark days and bright nights? Would it be the amount of warmth of embrace through cold weathers? How would you know if someone truly loved you?

I guess, its by the way he call at times of divided attention. Or the way he listens to novels that I love. Sometimes, its in the posts and pictures he'll send or the amount of words that he have said.

I am not a mathematician, nor have memorized every basic statistics lesson. I have less knowledge in counting and weighing, especially in different units. I have no idea on the ways I have counted the ways he hasn't loved me. But I sure do am grateful at the times that he did, especially when I didn't love myself. So here I am, weighing the ways a person has loved me more than I have ever thought. I don't know when will someone love me the way he has priced a high amount of dedication and love he has given, but I hope someday, someone will come not to replace but be better.

I always had the bad habit of counting flaws, whether its me or the person around me. It is rare that I shove it down throats, but when I do, I do it harshly and have no control of hindering it.

It was definitely my fault. The way I sink it into my brain how flawed I am and the way I put it into his mind how imperfect he was too.

And maybe, that was enough reason to let me go. Maybe, at some point, we were all great at calculating enough to find limits of points. And at some point, we got tired too.

Loving sure is easy, getting hurt from it isn't. Hurting others sure is easy, but never was it easy to love someone who has done it to ourselves. That may also be a reason we find it hard to love ourselves. So maybe, throughout the travel or one point to another, we have lost the love we had for ourselves. Enough to give it all to an exhausting sharing of love for another.

But, hell it was worth it, wasn't it? I guess, in my side. Who knows about the other? All we know is we've hurt each other.

It is nice to love someone, and get hurt throughout the process. Atleast, I have expressed it to my extent, and made sure he knew it at times that he needed it.

There is no easy way out, but I'll make sure to be always within.

[oishishie]

An open letter for Arby,

I sometimes wonder how will my wedding end up. Would it by judge, by a local mayor, or in church? Would I be pregnant, would I be old, would I be young? As I lay in bed wondering, I knew you couldn't assure me anymore. Not anymore. And it piles up the amount of sadness in wondering.

I want you to be full of self love, to the point that it overflows to the next lady you'll love. A bottomless love that will never stop overflowing, you'll love your present woman better than you did with mine. We we're full of love, but we're young. We both had problems with ourselves and we took time fixing it, without thinking if there could possibly be "us" again or never.

You had physical touch as your love language, while mine was words of affirmation. We both didn't understand and consider each other, that by the time I was begging for time, your love felt tired forgetting my language... And by the time I didn't felt your love, I have forgotten your language all over again. Another is our emotional capacity. Arby, I admit I lost respect over you everytime we fought. I don't wanna blame you, but you did it to me too and now that you're drained of it, we've lost each other, because I didn't grew and changed like you do. But you see, you were tired of communicating, you were tired of helping me, us. You were tired of making me understand, you were tired of saving our relationship because I know, you didn't want it anymore.

And it's because you have lost yourself, and I am the one to blame.

So, I wish that by next time you have found the woman who can maintain and nurture you, I hope you accept who she really is. I hope her words and actions won't bother you anymore, it's not just because you love her but because you love yourself. I hope you love her with confidence, enough to trust her and yourself. I hope she loves you without thinking that she has to fix you, but take care of you. And that is what I wish for every night, for you to learn something from me, and apply it to someone who is never like me.

You deserve to smile within the happiness you have for yourself and laugh because of the overflowing joy you have with her.

I may never be the mother of your kids anymore, Arby. But someday, I could help their lives exist in this world, but you can't call me your wife, but your wife's doctor. I love you always.

Nics.

[oishishie]

the bittersweetness of having arrived in the future, seeing how things turn out, but not being able to tell your past self.  — énouement

The mere idea that Arby was like this before with his ex, completely giving up on her. It scares me the most, knowing I could never really have him the way he was mine before. I want him to grow so bad, but knowing that he doesn't have the same feelings as before, let me get my tissues first from crying so hard at this fact.

This is the first time I've been inlove and my first time being loved. I don't want to be hurt too bad, haven't I had enough? Is this really what I'll get? I want it better, I want us to be better. I have nothing else, this is all I'll ever have. He's all I got, he's all I want 'till the end.

You see, he doesn't want me that much anymore. He doesn't see me as his best girl anymore. And that hurts.

[oishishie]

[oishishie]

[oishishie]

[oishishie]

Back then, you went crazy over our “day-offs,” when i demanded some time because I was finally free from school works, you also went crazy. Its kinda funny how people change, huh? 

Not to be nsfw but imagine someone actually wanting to talk to u all the time and not get bored of you wow

[oishishie]

Hi RB!

What we had was really something beautiful, wasn’t it? It was really magical, it was a love I thought I wouldn’t have. You’ve exceeded my expectations, not just in ways that you can love me but also in ways you would hurt me. But hey, I’m glad I gave it to you all, every ounce of love I’ve earned for years. I gave it all to you. I’ve had a lot of realizations ever since we separated, one would be... I wasn’t really for you. We were the perfect couple, but we weren’t just perfect for each other. You hated parts of me and I hated that you hated parts of me. That’s alright, that’s the point of dating and relationships, right? To discover who is really for you. So, cheers for us! We’re one step closer to our endgame. Another thing that I learned is that, yes, what we had was magical... you made believe in love so much that I know someday... I’ll get to have the love that I really need. Thank you for making me realize that... I was worthy of love. I hope that you see it too, and have the chance to love again much better than we did with ours.  I have loved you so much, I hope that it reaches out to every girl that you will love. Nourish it. I want to see you happy not just in ways that we did but in ways that you did when you knew you did it. Our relationship was our trophy left back then, I think that its time that we earn more of achievements more than what we had. I hope that I will meet someone... who did better... not in how you courted me and exerted all of your efforts, but someone who can handle situations just like they were in our hardest of times. Until now, Arby, you bring me hope. You always will. No amount of sorries could be said but... I hope you forgive yourself and of course, me. Do not waste any chances for you to be happy and to be in the best version of yourself! I’m always your number 1 fan to support you in that. But I guess, I have to move down on my throne because I’m giving the seat to you, Arby. Be the number 1 fan of yourself. 

I’m always here watching for your growth. I’m proud of you even if you are at your lowest. 

#open letter #you are my sweetest downfall

[oishishie]

Hey, I’m back. How are you?

Things... are unexpectedly going well. I still want to cry everything out. This is probably the first time I would let my heart out.  I am doing okay, but I’m still afraid of making mistakes from the lingering past of the relationship. There’s still the fear doing everything wrong, and receive a lash of hatred.  I have learned a lot and still grateful from all the lessons... that I know I will and can only apply to the next person I’ll love. There’s still hope, don’t worry! for me to fall in the hands of someone who’ll never drop me nor remove a single finger just to keep a hold of me. I hope I fall in the hands of someone who’ll vibe with me easily... someone who’ll accept me for who I am and will still love me despite seeing the most vulnerable state of mine. One who won’t degenerate me just because I wasn’t the strong woman that I was when we met, one who’ll be eager to fix and talk rather than lash out on me when I rant online. Someone who’ll make me better... because they treat me better. Someone who is better, radiating enough for me to do better soon.  I want to love that kind of person, someone who is easy to love because they love me genuinely and wholeheartedly too. Someone who holds my hand and squeeze it tight when I’m going through a rough time, knowing that it’s enough for them to be there while I handle my own sword too.  How loving and easy would that be? To be at ease with someone. Rather than banters, you get discussions. When you fight, you still feel loved. Where arguments aren’t filled with hatred and disagreement, rather, full of genuine concern and worry - a soft-spoken person who’ll never get to stomach a single shout said. How comforting would that be?  I have been loved in the best and harshest way. I have learned what I don’t deserve and I have learned what I shouldn’t have done. Even after all that, I’m still not ready to apply these learnings to someone new. All I know is that... someday... someone will come along too. Someone who’ll never change when I say yes... someone who’ll also be deserving of my love too.  I just hope that I get to nourish all the love I’ll give to someone soon. Hang on there, future. I’m saving up for you. 

#cheers

[oishishie]

Hi, Arby!

I don’t know if you’ll see this, but its nice to leave messages somewhere where I’m unsure if you’ll read it. They hold much much feels and longing, that I honestly look like a clown that still talks to you.  But it eases my soul, to think that somehow I’m still messaging you for updates. I know you don’t want me anymore, and I’m the biggest bother ever. I’m still longing for the universe’s (or yours) assurance of us going back and ending up together someday, one day. But opposite of that, if ever there was an assurance of us not having any chance from you (or the universe), I’ll gladly walk away for me. I’ll probably take time finding someone. But thinking of that still is uncomfortable to me (sheesh i take promises to serious huh?), but if you want me to wait, to grow, to make myself better for us, just tell me. I’m there, I’m in the process.  I hope you are too. I’m manifesting it. Be the person you’ll be happy that you are and you’re proud of. Still, no matter what, I’ll be proud of you. 

I love you always,  Nics. 

[oishishie]

Day ?? - September 24, 2020

I’m losing my acne :)) I’m falling inlove with my course, and studying well for you. 

I'll keep coming up to this post to track my days of moving on/self care.

Day one – June 17, 2020

Today is supposed to be our 9 months together as a couple. I cleaned and trimmed my nails, giving myself a manicure.

Day two – June 18, 2020

I pampered myself! I applied oil in my body, and aloe vera on my hair before taking a bath.

While taking a bath, i took time to condition my hair and wash my body 🥰 After that, I brushed my teeth, applied lotion, cleaned my ears, and did my skin care routine.

I did a semi-photoshoot that shows my flawed body. I did it to empower myself no matter how much acne, underarm hair, and belly fat I have. With the help of a mirror and LED lights ✨

After that, I replaced my Christmas lights with the LED lights given to me by the love of my life. He once did the attachment of Christmas lights, but now that he's not here anymore, I did it alone. It was tiring and difficult. Sweat A LOT, and my legs hurts from putting it. Still, it was worth it. It is a sign of better changes.

[oishishie]

i just want a hug to sleep

[oishishie]

i just want everything to be ok if i dont want anymore panic attacks please