onlybucket

[onlybucket]

They stare at people who need to confront their emotional issues.

[onlybucket]

Saturday, May 23 2020 11PM

I stayed up until 4AM this morning and I have concluded that I want to plan an ARG. But not just any ARG, I want it to be incredibly elaborate and difficult. I started planning it and creating puzzles, but I realized if I wanted to do something REALLY exciting that I should learn how to program and learn basic cryptography. This is probably going to take a while but if I stop distracting myself during the day with Youtube, Discord and Roblox, I could probably do it.

#saturday #may #23 #2020

[onlybucket]

Thursday, May 21 2020 11PM

I got to go to Goodwill today and pick out some boys shirts for me to wear. I was going to get some pants as well but the didn’t have any in my size. Then my mom took me to Starbucks and I got another Passionfruit Lemonade and a Coffee Cake.

I started my period this morning before I woke up and I had really bad cramps at the same time. I had to get out of bed early just to take some painkillers and then have a crappy time trying to fall back asleep.

I did some skating today. My knee scrapes from like four days ago still hurt like hell, but it’s getting easier to move and walk around.

I don’t want to do Basketball next year. I felt way out of place on my team because I was the worst player there having just started the sport. Besides, I kinda want to pursue a career in music or something. I know it’s probably unlikely that i’ll actually make it really big in the music industry, but it doesn’t hurt to dream.

I wasn’t very productive today and barely got anything done that I wanted to.

I followed some Russian creators on Tiktok and joined some Russian Discord servers to help me in my quest to learn the language.

#Thursday #may #21 #2020

[onlybucket]

Wednesday, May 20

2020

9PM

We made s’mores in the backyard fire pit yesterday. It was pretty fun but I had to cut it short to go do therapy.

Digital therapy is going pretty well so far. But i’ve been diagnosed with gender dysphoria.

I’m starting to learn Russian again. I really am trying to take it seriously but staying motivated is kinda hard.

11PM

I went through all of my clothes today so I could sort out which ones make me feel masculine. I don’t really have any attachment to my clothes aside from my Mayo Proof t-shirt and my red dotted skirt that I made. I’ll probably keep the skirt and just not wear it, but I love my Mayo Proof shirt so I won’t be giving that up any time soon. Anyway, I asked my mom to take me to Goodwill tomorrow so I can buy clothes.

#wednesday #may #20 #2020

[onlybucket]

Monday, May 18

2020

5PM

I scraped my knees while the other day and they hurt for like 48 hours after. I posted about it on Instagram and my friends were really nice

Annabel from Lincoln got really cute. Her hair looks really nice.

I got in a huge fight with Tony over Discord. He told me that all bisexuals were virgins because they didn’t know what they wanted yet. Then he told a bunch of people in our server that I was a cunt and then he left. I never realized he was such a dick honestly.

I cried a lot today. Quarantine has been really hard and I just want to see my friends again and go outside. My mom says that parks will probably open by the end of the month and then at least i’ll be able to go back to the park. Also, it feels like my family is the only family that’s actually social distancing. All of my friends are going out and hanging out with each other and it’s so annoying.

I went to Starbucks today (drive through of course) and got a Coffee Cake and a Passion Fruit I’ve Tea Lemonade.

I got into a fight with Jason last night. For ages i’d been asking him to play Roblox Murder Mystery with me and him and Logan kept saying know. Then some OTHER kid asks to play a game almost identical to it (called Murder or something) and everyone is just like “Yeah i’m down.” What the hell??

#monday #may #18 #2020

[onlybucket]

Wednesday, May 13

2020

2AM

Today, or, yesterday was not that bad. I’m finished with all of my finals so that is good.

My mom was on a zoom call with her English friends and we all did a pub quiz. In America, we just call them trivia nights. If my mom wins than she gets to pick the next questions. I suggested asking “What’s Paul Mccartney’s middle name?” because people don’t know that it’s actually Paul.

We had our final meeting for English class. Ms. Smith told us all that she isn’t going to teach at our school next year and I am honestly really sad about that. She was my favorite teacher ever and I was looking forward to being in her class again. Who else is going to tolerate my disruptive yet humorous comments? Nobody. We spent the meeting just telling stories and reminiscing about the past year. We talked about Cody’s cursed poem, the time our teacher broke a federal law, etc etc.

I was playing Roblox with Logan and Jason. We played Lumber Tycoon 2 for like 4 hours. It’s a pretty addicting game, but eventually I got tired.

#wednesday #may #13 #2020

[onlybucket]

Monday, May 11

2020

11PM

My grandparents came over yesterday and we were all hanging out in the front yard. We’re supposed to be social distancing, but then Lizzie walked past us and showed us her new tattoo. She just turned 18 a week ago and she got angels tattooed on her thigh. It looks really good.

I’m thinking I might get a tattoo when I turn 18.

School is finally almost over and I am so relieved. I just finished my Computer Science final (that I was supposed to start two weeks ago, whoops) but I was able to finish it today. I’m hoping that next year I will be a lot better with not procrastinating. I would have ended the year with mostly A’s if it wasn’t for remote learning. Last semester I had all A’s, so it wasn’t completely unachievable.

I also just finished my english final. We had to write a paper about A Midsummer Night’s Dream. I started and finished mine in only two hours even though I had like a week to start. It was stressful but i’m finally finished and it wasn’t even that bad of a paper. Arne thesis statement probably needed work but eh. I’m probably gonna get into honors next year anyway. Ms. Smith said I definitely would and she’s the teacher sooo....

I’m hoping to come out as transgender to my parents by the end of the summer, but we’ll see. It might be too much for them to handle right now with the divorce and all.

I’ve been playing this game on Roblox called Tower Of Hell. Basically, a new tower of obsticals is generated every 8 minutes and you have to climb the tower without any checkpoints. I’m pretty good at it now, but it’s still absolutely infuriating sometimes. Especially the other people. In the game, there are different mutators you can buy that make the game either easier or harder. People are constantly asking to buy Invincibility which removes all lasers and killparts from the game. Buy it yourself or go play a different game! Also, if you make it to the top of the tower than the game cuts everyone else’s time in half. This makes people who are near the top so angry. It’s not my fault you were too slow! I did this once and someone reported me for bullying. Thankfully the Roblox staff doesn’t give a shit about reports unless they are mass reports.

#monday #may #11 #2020

[onlybucket]

Thursday, May 7

2020

10AM

CrankThatFrank is taking a 30 day break from Youtube and says he might never come back.... I really hope he does. He is one of my favorite youtubers! I got the notification and was immidietly sad.

I’m thinking of replaying doki doki just for fun. Natsuki is best girl. I don’t understand why everyone thinks Yuri or Sayori is the best. I just think Natsuki is adorable.

I’ll start updating more often once summer starts. School suuuucks.

I had a dream that Adelle tried to kill me lmao

#thursday #may #7 #2020

[onlybucket]

Monday, May 4 2020 10PM

Not much happened today but i’m so excited for school to end.

#monday #may #4 #2020

[onlybucket]

Thursday, April 30

2020

4PM

Today I told Adelle I didn’t want to be friends anymore either the following letter:

“Hey, Adelle.

I don't think we should be friends anymore. Our relationship is toxic and it isn't very good for my mental health. Ever since that one fight we had a couple months ago, I've been on and off about just cutting you from my life. I didn’t want to at the time because the other ones in our friend group still wanted to be friends with you, so I didn’t.

That was until everyone else in the group also got quite annoyed with your behavior. Even though everyone was turning on you, I decided that I wanted to stick around because I didn't want you to feel bad. Now I've realized that your feelings are not my responsibility and that if you had valued our friendship, then you would have treated me differently.

For one thing, that time you yelled at ME in the middle of the hallway because Annike was talking over me. When I asked you why you’d done that at lunch you told me, and I quote, “you existed while I was angry.” Everyone seemed okay with the fact that you just blamed it on your anger issues. Having anger problems does not excuse you from mistreating others. You didn’t even apologize to me for 3 days. Eventually, you said sorry after I had ignored you for that long.

Another thing was that you were so horribly mean to Cody. Honestly, I am not super fond of him and I'm not really looking to be his friend either. But you were constantly threatening his safety and his life and overall being a jerk even after he apologized profusely. I respect your decision to not want to be his friend, but acting like how you did was not okay.

Another incident was when I was trying to vent to you and Kalina in the morning about something my mom had done. I said I didn’t want to tell my mom how I felt and you said “Why not?’ I responded with “Because I don’t want to get in trouble.” Your response to that was “Sounds like a you problem.” Both you and Kalina started laughing and I had to walk to art class while crying.

Another thing was yesterday, when you threatened to call me by my dead name. I’m not sure you understand how much that hurts and how personally attacked I felt. I have to suffer every waking hour thinking about how much I fucking hate myself and my body for being born a way I can’t even control and you were using that to your advantage so i’d do whatever it was you wanted at the time. Of course, I don’t really mind being called my dead name, it’s just the fat that you tried to use it as leverage because you thought it would hurt me. Dysphoria is not the goddamn joke that you think it is. It isn’t funny. It’s painful and I wouldn’t wish it upon my worst enemy.

This relationship is not good for me, so I'm ending it. I’m hoping you’ll respect my decision to do so and I ask that you don’t talk to me. I also ask that you don’t talk about me to anyone else. I just want to put this all behind me.

You are welcome to stay in the Discord servers, but i’m taking you off the staff.”

She just left the Discord servers and didn’t respond. I blocked her in everything.

I’m letting Cody back in the server, though.

Quarantine is going horribly. I feel like i’m on the verge of a panic attack. I just want to see my friends again or go anywhere besides my house. I’d even rather go back to school. Now, i’ll have to deal with this for another entire month. I’m so fucking panicked, I just want this all to end.

I started digital therapy. She seems really nice and she said she’s helped transgender people transition before, so that’s good. Apparently my mom said that when she told the lady “I’d like someone my daughter can talk to about her sexuality” the lady was like “Oh, she’s perfect.” So apparently she’s a lesbian. Good for me, I suppose.

6PM

I went outside and took a walk because I felt really cooped up. Apparently my dad ordered pizza and while I was gone it was all eaten.

I really, really hate quarantine.

#thursday #april #30 #2020

[onlybucket]

Wednesday, April 29

2020

9PM

I didn’t really do my work today, didn’t wanna.

I was randomly added to a group chat on TEAMS with a bunch of kids I don’t know, including Micah. We were voice chatting for a bit but then some random freshmen joined and started bullying everyone. Micah kept removing me from the chat everytime I said something mean to the freshmen and kept being super annoying. Micah kept defending him even though he literally told a girl that she had to go die on the chat. High schoolers who think they’re the shit are annoying.

Also, Alison, Makalyn, and a bunch of other school friends added me on Discord. We started a server for the kids from our school.

I saw on Ava’s Snapchat story that she was with who I assume is her baby cousin. Ben was holding the baby and it was adorable to watch. Ben is actually such a softy and he’s so adorable.

Just as I was about to rant to Adelle about how Ben will never like me, Alison texts me saying she thinks Ben likes this other girl called Brielle.

It really hurt me to tell her that I think Ben loves her very much and hell never break up with her, even though I secretly wish he would so I would have a chance with him.

[onlybucket]

Friday, April 24 2020 2PM

Haven’t updated in like 20 days! Weeee!

Schools gonna end soon, thank god.

I picked out my electives for next year. I’m gonna drop computer science and do drama instead. Jason said he’s going to drop that class as well, but he’s gonna keep doing orchestra. 

Adele and I were planning on going to the MCR concert, but then she spent all of her ticket money on preordering an album, so she basically gave up. I’m pretty bummed out but i’ll probably get to see them eventually assuming Gerard Way doesn’t like, retire before then.

My art skills have improved drastically. Thanks to art class, I actually learned how to do perspective drawings so i’ve been taking advantage of that. 

Dad has been being like 2x more annoying. We complained that all he ever talked about was chores, which was absolutely true. I woke up one Saturday morning and the first thing I heard was about cleaning the living room. How about a “good morning?” So he said he’d stop reminding us AT ALL and would just take $2 out of our allowance if the chores weren’t done when he woke up. One night I stayed up until 11PM just to make sure all of the dishes were done and put away by the time he woke up. I woke up that morning to the notification that he had taken another $2 out of my account and I was pretty pissed. I just went upstairs and into the backyard where he was and asked him why he took the money and he was like “Well the living room wasn’t clean” which it FUCKING WAS. So I told him “So what your saying is I didn’t have to do the dishes last night because the money would have been taken out regardless?” and he told me I was looking at it the wrong way. He told me I could earn back the money by walking the dog but i’m not giving in to his stupid bullshit.

I just can win with him. It’s like when you win a game but then someone makes up a new rule that prevents you from winning. He’s just doing it to be spiteful.

I’ve been going on more walks lately and listening to more Panic! At the disco. I have also been listening to more Fall Out Boy. My favorite songs at the moment are Sugar We’re Going Down and The Only Difference Between Martyrdom and Suicide Is Press Coverage. I don’t know why they titled it that. As far as I can tell it doesn’t have anything to do with the actual song?? 

I started an Instagram account for posting LGBT content. I don’t understand why so many people in the community don’t like each other. People are allowed to have different opinions then you, you don’t have to attack them. I think everyone just needs to chill out. As I posted on my account, forcing someone to accept something with no proof is so dumb and just leaves them confused. Just because someone doesn’t agree with you doesn’t mean they are homophobic, transphobic or whatever the fuck.

Speaking of which, i’m going to start teletherapy soon. It’s like normal therapy but, like, over a call so you don’t catch Corona. I’m hoping I can let my therapist know i’m trans so they can help me come out to my parents. It would be easier to come out once i’m diagnosed with gender dysphoria. 

I’m going by Caspian now. I know it’s kind of a stereotype that transgender men always pick really weird names, but whatever. It’s a cool name and I like how it sounds when people call me that. 

My friend Hunter started testosterone. His voice has already gotten really deep.

My friends keep trying to make plans with me but I can’t keep in touch with everyone at once.

Adelle keeps stalking Cody’s Reddit. She claims that HE is obsessed with HER but he’s clearly just living his life. Calm down, Del. 

Anyway I hope I don’t forget to update soon.

#friday #april #24 #2020

[onlybucket]

Thursday, April 2  2020  5PM

I did not get good sleep last night. I was suddenly inspired to keep working on piano so I was playing at like 1AM.

I’ve been looking through r/MyChemicalRomance and sending Adelle the freshest of memes. I know she really likes the band and so does the rest of my friend group, so i’m trying to get into it too.

Today was able to finish all of my assignments on time again. It’s getting a bit hard to stay motivated but i’m working on it.

I woke up late today and the later I wake up, the more I end up wasting my time.

I’ve officially paid back my iPad and I am now actually saving up for an Electric Guitar. My dad already has an amp so I don’t need to worry about that.

Athena’s school has just been cancelled for the rest of the year and i’m afraid that might happen to my school too. That would suck because as I mentioned yesterday, I really want to start a band and I won’t have anybody to contact if the year ends now.

I ate oatmeal for lunch and had chicken soup for dinner.

This Corona Virus pandemic is driving me crazy. I haven’t left the house in days. I can’t wait until this whole thing is finally over.

Today I felt okay.

#Thursday #april #2 #2020

[onlybucket]

Wednesday, April 1 (April Fools Day)

2020

9PM

It’s April fools day. Nobodies really doing anything because we’re too busy being quarantined to be pranked.

Jorgie did try and fool me by sending me a fake article that said i’d ya e to repeat my grade. It kinda worked but i’m skeptical about pretty much everything she sends me.

I actually finished all of my school work today. I usually end up saying “i’ll do it later” and then never do it but today it was different.

I’m gonna start a band.

#wednesday #april #1 #2020 #april fools day

[onlybucket]

Tuesday, March 31

2020

8AM

Quarantine is going alright. I started a Discord server for emos. I have two legit members so far and a bunch of people join to either advertise themselves or to call me the n-word and demand that I hand over my “gay ass server.” Life is good.

I’m getting more and more annoyed with my siblings every day. I hate when my genuine feelings are passed off as “teenage angst.”

I’m changing my name to Caspian. I know there’s a stereotype of trans men picking really weird names but I just really like the name.

I finally payed off my iPad and can start earning allowance again. I’m hoping to make money off of my Youtube channel instead of having to do chores but we’ll see.

I wanna start a band.

I made a really cute digital drawing of that skeleton thing from MCR and my friends seemed to like it.

I spent most of my weekends playing Roblox and listening to Creepypastas. I want to create a comic out of the creepypastas.

I’m pretty bad at getting my online schooling assignments done but i’m getting better.

I did a poem for one of my assignments and Mrs. Hughes really liked it.

about a week ago, Lizzy asked me to let Jens dogs out and feed them. Daisy looked really old and week. It was really sad to see her this way because i’ve known her for so long and she’s a really good Chihuahua. It’s just that I can tell she’s about at the end of her rope and it’s really sad to think about. I noticed the same thing about Amberlys dog a day before they had to put it down.

3PM

Today went good. I ate popcorn and ramen for lunch. I have work to catch up on but i’m procrastinating on it.

I’m gonna memorize the url to Never Gonna Give You up to avoid getting fooled.

Im currently video chatting with Amy and Eliana

#tuesday #march #31 #2020

[onlybucket]

Wednesday, March 25

2020

7PM

I watched Love, Simon today. Mostly because I heard that Panic! At the Disco was sorta referenced in it. I liked it, it was a good movie. But some parts of it I had to remind myself that it wasn’t real to ignore the cringe.

Dad is being really annoying. He’s been forcing us to play board games with him, probably because none of was would want to hang out with him anyway.

He always makes stupid rules just because he can and because he’s in control. I wish he would just met us live and trust that we can be mature without him putting safety cones everywhere.

First day of online schooling went great. I keep turning in assignments late though. I’ll probably just say my internet broke or somthing.

I’m working on a youtube video right now.

#wednesday #march #25 #2020

[onlybucket]

Sunday, March 22

2020

1AM

I haven’t updated in ages because there’s like nothing to talk about

basically, schools are canceled for over three weeks because of the coronavirus. All the teachers are super stressed.

my mom was supposed to go to England, but she canceled because she might not have been able to get back.

St. Patrick’s Day parade was canceled. I basically just watched Brendan Urie live stream on twitch all day. Apparently, he just plays Fortnite and Fallout, as if he was just a normal guy. The audacity.

i’ve been going to the park and just putting my headphones on and listening to music while swinging. I’ve been doing this basically every single day. I’m going crazy from being Quarantine. I’m not allowed to go into town or anything.

huge fan of panic! At the disco now.

I really really want my mom to take me to the hella mega tour concert (Fall our Boy, Green Day, Weezer) but it might get canceled because of the coronavirus.

i’ve been playing Roblox with Jason every night. We call over discord.

I daydream a lot.

I love panic! At the disco.

i’m saving up for an electric guitar because I want to play rock music. I’ve also decided to start teaching myself piano. I’m not really sure if that’s possible, but I’m gonna try.

I hope I get to go to the concert.

i’ll try to update more often, even though there’s really nothing to update.





#sunday #march #22 #2020