panatmansam

[panatmansam]

THE ART OF NOT MINDING

T.E. Lawrence of "Lawrence of Arabia" fame was an odd bird. He was almost impervious to pain. In the 1962 film Lawrence played by Peter Otoole holds a match flame to his hand. When asked how he did not feel the pain he responded by saying “the trick is not minding that it hurts”.

What does this say to we practicing Buddhist meditators?

#buddhism

[panatmansam]

ALONE IN THE DARK

I awoke in the dark. I became aware of my thoughts racing by. These thoughts produced emotional responses. I would feel happy, sad and anxious in turn as the thoughts played out. I then, on a fundamental level beyond the mere intellectual, realized that emotions were created by our thinking.

I was in the hospital. I couldn't remember how I got there. I was aware but I could not move. Was I dying? The thoughts spun out painting all sorts of scenarios. I could feel the emotions rushing toward panic. Yet, a part of me remained aloof. Separate. Watching. Impassive.

I realized that I could control "feeling" simply by changing one thought for another. A technique I learned as a practicing Buddhist. I also saw that I could quiet emotion entirely by shutting down thought.

My fear faded. I became serene. Ready for whatever was to come.

[panatmansam]

Desire

"If you desire any of the things which are not in your own control, you must necessarily be disappointed."

- Epictetus

"If you purify your soul of attachment to and desire for things, you will understand them spiritually. If you deny your appetite for them, you will enjoy their truth, understanding what is certain in them."

- St. John of the Cross

"Desire is the very essence of a man."

- Baruch Spinoza

View insights

#buddhism #attacmeny

[panatmansam]

𝗦𝗮𝗯𝗿𝗮 𝗚𝗶𝗿𝗹

I remember it like yesterday. I was twenty and a serious student working on a dual degree in economics and government in preparation for law school.

I lived in the beach community of Cardiff by the Sea when she entered my life.

Dark hair and dark eyes she had. Her skin was golden and flawless. She was eighteen and traveling in the USA her first time outside of Israel. We met at a bonfire and she came to stay at my apartment. She was absolutely fearless and everything excited her.

She moved from my sofa to my bed the first night. I fell in love. She and I had three weeks together making love and exploring the coast from San Diego to Santa Barbara. I taught her to surf and introduced her to my parents.

Then one day she told me that she was moving on heading north to San Francisco and then Seattle. I offered her all the money I had and she reluctantly accepted the three hundred dollars and with one last passionate kiss she left me and I never heard from her again.

I kept her in my heart and still wonder what happened to her. She would be a grandmother now but to me she is always eighteen and clothed in the beauty of youth and desire.

#sam writing

[panatmansam]

Hi folks. Had an episode of vertigo. Fell. Small fracture of hip. Other complications. Hospital. Healing well. Discharge tomorrow. Hard to type. IV in hand. More later, Sammy the hard luck kid.

[panatmansam]

𝗗𝗔𝗬 𝟭𝟳 𝗢𝗙 𝗕𝗘𝗜𝗡𝗚 𝗔 𝗖𝗬𝗕𝗢𝗥𝗚

𝘤𝘺𝘣𝘰𝘳𝘨. / (ˈ𝘴𝘢ɪˌ𝘣ɔːɡ) / 𝘯𝘰𝘶𝘯. (𝘪𝘯 𝘴𝘤𝘪𝘦𝘯𝘤𝘦 𝘧𝘪𝘤𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯) 𝘢 𝘭𝘪𝘷𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘣𝘦𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘸𝘩𝘰𝘴𝘦 𝘱𝘰𝘸𝘦𝘳𝘴 𝘢𝘳𝘦 𝘦𝘯𝘩𝘢𝘯𝘤𝘦𝘥 𝘣𝘺 𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘱𝘶𝘵𝘦𝘳 𝘪𝘮𝘱𝘭𝘢𝘯𝘵𝘴 𝘰𝘳 𝘮𝘦𝘤𝘩𝘢𝘯𝘪𝘤𝘢𝘭 𝘣𝘰𝘥𝘺 𝘱𝘢𝘳𝘵𝘴.

I am a cyborg. Implanted in my abdomen in a computerized device that injects a micro-dose of a pain medication into my spinal fluid at regulated intervals. It is programmable by Bluetooth with a cool device that looks like a cell phone. A baseline established, I will get mine in two weeks.

This is awesome because I am now free of the heavy opiates they were prescribing. Also the nerve medications they had me on were heavy duty mood altering drugs with lots of side effects. These I have to slowly taper off as the implant is adjusted to compensate.

It is like my real self is slowly coming back online.

[panatmansam]

Eli

I remember him and the night he became a Bodhisattva.

In Poland, 1944 in the camp they called Auschwitz was giving his thin soup of cabbage and potato to a doomed little girl with freckles and ringlets framing her face.

A guard struck him and he fell to his knees.

He locked gaze with the blond young man in the death’s head cap and pitied him for the loss of his soul

The young man struck him again and he smiled through broken teeth and bloodied lips he smiled.

The young man in the death’s head cap recoiled as if it were he who had received the blow he smiled as he died and the blond young man wept.

I remember him the night he became of Bodhisattva.

He died so another might live and there was redemption in his dying for that young man the young man in the death’s head cap.

I remember him, the Bodhisattva, and I say his name Eli, Eli, Eli.

[panatmansam]

[panatmansam]

Surgery was successful. I am home in bed recovering and in no pain. I thank all all who sent blessings my way. Sam.

[panatmansam]

I dreamt of the white lotus flower pristine shining petals arising from the mud of samsara

I dreamt of the white lotus flower a thousand shining petals in a spiral helix repeating

I dreamt of the white lotus flower and each perfect petal unique and alone yet connected at the center as one

I dreamt of the white lotus flower rising, ever arising, arising, arising I was, I am, I shall be

[panatmansam]

Hi guys tomorrow Friday the 21st at 2:30 pm is my scheduled surgery date and time. am calm and accepting. The doctors are using every precaution. I am ready for it to be over and hope that it will not be cancelled or postponed yet again. If you are so inclined I would appreciate your kind thoughts' or prayers if you desire. I love you all. Sam.

[panatmansam]

New Surgery Date: Friday, July 21 @ 1:30 .

[panatmansam]

I met a traveller from an antique land, Who said—“Two vast and trunkless legs of stone Stand in the desert. . . . Near them, on the sand, Half sunk a shattered visage lies, whose frown, And wrinkled lip, and sneer of cold command, Tell that its sculptor well those passions read Which yet survive, stamped on these lifeless things, The hand that mocked them, and the heart that fed; And on the pedestal, these words appear: My name is Ozymandias, King of Kings; Look on my Works, ye Mighty, and despair! Nothing beside remains. Round the decay Of that colossal Wreck, boundless and bare The lone and level sands stretch far away.” Ozymandias BY PERCY BYSSHE SHELLEY

[panatmansam]

#Youtube

[panatmansam]

𝗦𝗔𝗗 𝗟𝗢𝗦𝗦 𝗢𝗙 𝗧𝗛𝗘 𝗧𝗜𝗧𝗔𝗡 𝗦𝗨𝗕𝗠𝗘𝗥𝗦𝗜𝗕𝗟𝗘

Well it appears certain that the experimental submersible vehicle Titan suffered a "catastrophic implosion" instantly killing all on board. Journalists asked if any bodies had been recovered. The expert tried to explain the physics of an implosion at that depth but the vacuous expression on the reporter's face made it clear that they did not understand. I'll explain.

Jelly.

A human body is like a Jell-O mold. Mostly water with a few hard bits like teeth. Bones aren't as hard as one might think. They were in a thick metal can. They were at the bottom of the sea in a very deep area. The water above and all around them is very HEAVY so there is a tremendous amount of PRESSURE all around them. If there is even the tiniest failure in the craft then the pressurized water rushes in and it in and as the Coast Guard rescue expert said "like crushing an egg".

Those bodies made of soft tissue were squeezed in that sub like hot dogs in a beer can run stepped on by the largest elephant that has ever lived. Instant death with the bodies liquified. Jello. Quick and merciful in that way.

Very sad for the families of the crew.

[panatmansam]

Hello guys. Wife and I arrived at the surgical clinic promptly at 12:30 pm

The anesthesiologist thought given my history he needed a hospital setting rather than a clinic type setting. and so we had a literal last minute cancelation.

No notice or explanation. No word yet on a new date, Thank you for your love and support. Sam

[panatmansam]

Hey there Buddha Buddies. Ole Sammy goes in for surgery Tuesday June 20th at 1:30 Pacific Standard Time. Tomorrow as I write these words. The surgery itself is a simple procedure. However, I have a cardiac issue which makes general anesthesia risky. I have been req uired to get a waiver from my cardiologist and undergo a psychiatric examination to proceed.

If successful then the chronic pain I have suffered for the last eight years will be greatly lessened or eliminated. The risk is that I may have a heart attack while I am under the general. I am willing to take this risk, Everybody is worried from the doctors down to the secretaries in the office. My wife is not sleeping. I sleep like an innocent child in my mothers arms.

I believe I will be just fine or I would not have worked so hard to get this procedure despite the risk. I do not have a death wish. If If there is a difficulty my wife will let you folks know. If I pass then let this serve as my goodbye and a final I love you all. Sam.

My wife and I at my fathers funeral 2018