pengosolvent

[pengosolvent]

you comparing sean chiplock drama stuff to literally holocaust nazi propaganda is so insensitive holy shit do you never take a moment to think about what you say and if you should say it at all. i genuinly want to know the thought process behind you thinking twitter drama between some voice actor and the person you simp for is in any way comparable to brainwashing used by mass murderers

that is not what happened i feel you should stop hate reading things for your own health, and also take a moment for yourself to think and ask questions in ways that don't strip context i request that you try to follow what i've written, to think before replying again if you reply again, but i admit that i do not feel like that is likely, and it makes me feel sad

if you genuinely want to know:

i was specifically replying to glip saying how they had felt back in 2013, based on how sean spoke to them back then. glip said that they had felt "every single person could not only lie, but could not care that it's a lie" i was replying to glip's feeling they had shared that landed in me as similar to "i felt like the whole world could be hostile, from lies, and no one would care it was lies" which seemed hugely isolating and painful

like… the feeling of "what matters is what people believe, even if it's lies" is… aligned to propaganda and the effects it has, even if its on a small scale especially if its possible to manipulate what people believe…

you… know there was a ton of propaganda leading up to the holocaust right? that it wasnt just out of nowhere? that eventually that countries (not just germany) actually ran fake stories specifically to rile up their own citizens in the years leading up to that?

i had been watching videos/docs/reading up on propaganda tactics from the alt right, and how things align to world war propaganda as well videos on how history ISN'T just an untouchable idea and we should learn to think about and examine mentalities that are vulnerable to these sort of ideas, purposefully or not things dont exist in a vacuum, there are core feelings and similarities to things

i understand that large tragedies in history being compared carelessly can be painful, but that wasnt what i was … even trying to do

i am not comparing this "drama" of sean saying something about some character or whatever to the scale of the holocaust as you seem to be implying i was thinking specifically of how horrible "what matters is what people believe even if it's lies" is as a concept, how that belief can really disconnect from even wanting to understand truth, how it connected me to media i had been intaking lately and how its a belief that feels dangerous to go unchallenged

do you agree with "what matters is what people believe even if its lies"…? do you feel that belief is totally unrelated to what can cause propaganda to flourish…? do you feel that that belief isnt a big deal?

i don't feel it's wrong to see something and feel "this feels like if this idea was widespread, it could be dangerous and cause issues" and make that connection

if my wording was unclear, well.. i had talked to glip about the videos i was watching and even sent some of them earlier that day my reply was to them, so they knew what i meant when i mentioned it because we had already discussed a lot on those videos i did not expect a random anon to come into my inbox from peeping so i didnt formulate my thought as an entire thesis as i appear to be doing now it was not that i "never think", but my thoughts were not expanded upon deeply there because i had already talked about those thoughts elsewhere

" holy shit do you never take a moment to think about what you say and if you should say it at all" is honestly a really painful thing to say i do feel you won't really care (this is my impression), but it is cutting in a way i wish you could have found other words for why was "do you never think" your go to? it implies so much and dismisses so much i hope you haven't been hurt in that way, that what you have thought and said was responded to like this it makes me feel sadness to imagine i hope that if you have felt pain in this way, that you can heal from it

if you havent felt pain that way, i hope you never do

back on topic, i suppose… i just don't feel it's wrong to see the effect of an idea on someone and feel "this feels like a very dark feeling to have and reminds me of concepts i had been watching"

i feel like… ideas that allow one to ignore personhood… it does slip into fascism and dangerous territory genuinely, i do feel that way

"i dont think you're nice so i think its okay to hurt you" "what matters is what people believe even if its lies"… these ideas need to be challenged, imo

i feel that it SHOULD matter if people believe lies, and that i rather they want to understand and not just accept that i feel people in general should try to grow away from feeling its acceptable to hurt those they do not like (or at the very least question it!), because it's… its energy thats wasted and can be rerouted it does not cause lasting change to bully others a society where the biggest bully is right doesnt… help anyone

this isnt to say that struggle and defense isnt something others sometimes need to partake in, but this being the first resort? this sort of impulsive aggressive jump to me, where you're invulnerable and anon and i just have to tank your hit? its hurting me because you feel its acceptable to hurt me, and i don't really like that it feels like you have intent to hurt me, over not understanding something i said and because you feel its okay, anything i say is just… noise for that fuel i suppose

but i could be wrong i'm just stating how i feel about it based on the impression youve given me in this ask

if you want to explain how i am being insensitive, i would try to listen, but given the way you have worded this ask and appear to be hatereading, i don't really feel confidence that you will actually care about if i understand, nor will you care about explaining

it does hurt to be talked to like this, though again i do not feel you will care about that aspect

if you are hurt from me having said that, i am sorry and would try to listen and discuss to understand that too, but again, given that it seems you are hate reading things, i don't expect a lot from this interaction

i also dont expect you to actually talk about your pain (if you have pain) because you decided to message me on anon so it feels like not feeling able to stand by your opinions or feelings, or maybe even expecting attacks on yourself if you reveal yourself, similar to how you are attacking me now or i could be wrong and you dont have a tumblr but either way it feels impersonal, which feels like treating me like im not a person i try not to treat others the way you have sent this ask if i'm talking to them if i'm upset, i try to be upfront about why and how it made me feel, not insulting

so i guess since this ask doesnt feel that way, thats why i'm interpreting it the way i wrote above

i hope my explanation can help clarify if you genuinely wanted to know as you claimed if not, then i cannot really help further than that

i just do not want to close connections

large things start small large painful moments in history can start from a build up of small pains, and feeling specific ideas as related in small ways is not… inherently wrong part of what i was drawing upon was my own memories of people i knew giving this sort of feeling, of manipulative narrative, and becoming alt-right and into neonazi ideas i don't know if it will mean anything to you, but i am not white, so i take these sort of feelings (of removing personhood) seriously i dont mean to say that to try to use my identity as a shield, but to try to explain where i was coming from and my interest in understanding alt-right and holocaust things, racist indoctrination, and even stuff like the mentalities behind colonialism

i am also speaking from my experience of having written a callout and seen how that contributed to large harassment (in relation to "large things start small")

i do feel like its important to try to understand things and connect things here and there if a connection ends up being incorrect, thats still information that was learned

trying to shame me into not making these connections just… feels like you have no interest in understanding me so it confuses me why you said you genuinely want to know i have tried to take that sincerely, and worded myself here, but it does not feel sincere from you it feels like you are saying "i genuinely want to know" in a way that is more like "i dont believe anything you can say right now, so prove yourself to me"

i hope thats not the case i would request that you not reply so aggressively if you choose to reply, but i do not have hope for that

if you do not want to try to understand me, if "i genuinely want to know" was not genuine, then i think i will just block you

[pengosolvent]

Have you ever thought of making videos about stuff that isn’t music? Like idk, vlogs, reviews, unboxings, art, tutorials, etc. etc. I’d love to see what else you could do.

i've thought about it but im unsure how to go about it honestly i dont really know what i'd share or do or share i do have a lot of thoughts but i dont really know how to organize them in ways that become... something to share, i suppose

[pengosolvent]

Hey! I hope you're doing well, seems like you've had to handle quite the messages here, a lot of them digging up some sour memories too, not something I can handle well personally so I do hope this isn't affecting you negatively in any way!

It sadly is a subject that affects me, not saying that that it's your responsibility to care for a random follower or care if they follow you at all, but I have always held your work close to my heart and wanted to send you a little last thank you before distancing myself for my well-being :"]

I started following you around after I got thru a really rough patch in my...teenagehood is that a word? Pretend it is. It really helped me reset how I see things artistically I think, and trying new things with my art really helped get me out of some old unhealthy headspaces and start again, I don't think I'd be as willing to experiment and try new things and mediums if I hadn't been so enchanted by your art. It's a real real shame I never got to support your endeavors financially! You were one of the few artists I considered in my life to purchase dollars for hahah still too expensive sadly. Either way I hope you continue on doing your thing, be it comics or illustrations or music or whatever other fun project you come up with, I'm sure it'll be great, as it always has been. Much love 💖💖💖💕💕💕

it's alright, please take care i don't want anyone who is distressed from seeing my responses to stick around if they don't want to sincerely, i rather you feel better about what affects you or doesn't i hope you have a nice time

[pengosolvent]

That last anon you got was comparing glip to justin roiland and not you, i think (not agreeing with what they said though)

oh i see, i read "simping for" as "simply for" i can't keep up with new terms haha its really weird still? i suppose i should edit my response

[pengosolvent]

It's so weird I used to look up to you in highschool and was inspired by your work to push myself as an artist and now I have a fulfilling job within the art industry and you're here washed up and simping for furry version of justin roiland. Seriously get your shit together. This is sad.

edit: i'm leaving the original version of my reply here, but at the bottom i edit to acknowledge i misread part of it ? i dont know who that is i see, looking him up, this is a very strange comparison and it feels like you don't actually have a sense of nuance here what would be getting my "shit together" for you? getting an art industry job? that would not be fulfilling to me it feels like you're judging me in criteria you're not actually expressing clearly, and trying to compare me to you which is... genuinely sad to me sad as in sadness, not "this is pathetic" which i'm not sure is what you mean when you say "this is sad" it is sad to me because it... feels so... closed? like... i'm happy you are fulfilled by your job! i mean this genuinely, the job market can be horrid and having a job you're happy with is really an amazing thing and i'm glad you landed it but if you are coming to me to try to kick me emotionally like this, and placing me in a position lower than you (with the example of having an art industry job...?) i cannot feel like you are actually emotionally fulfilled... like, the example you give of me being "washed up" does not correlate to the example you give of you having an art industry job? like, reading about this guy, justin roiland, who you are comparing me to... "In August 2020, Roiland was arrested and charged with felony domestic battery and false imprisonment in Orange County, California, in connection with an alleged incident in January 2020 involving an unnamed woman he was reportedly dating at the time. " Others came forward with him acting inappropriately towards minors too you compare me to him (i've uh... never done domestic battery, i really do not like violence, and i try to stay away from minors), and then your "good" comparison is you have a nice job? how is that... comparable? "now you're like an abuser, and i have a cool job and its just sad" like... do you think people with cool jobs can't be horrible? like, justin roiland WAS an art industry guy! it doesnt really make sense to me additionally, i don't... really... care if you looked up to me in highschool? if you don't anymore, you're free to move on! if you're sad that you feel you *can't* look up to me anymore, then... i don't know, being aggressive like this isn't going to make you feel any better edit: https://pengosolvent.tumblr.com/post/709627819532189696/that-last-anon-you-got-was-comparing-glip-to i misread what you wrote, let's have take 2 i dont really understand still i don't understand what it means to "simp" for someone like this in the way that... you're reducing my entire existence and life to "you're washed up and you are friends with someone i don't like" as if that's... a... criteria for anything? i'm so sincerely confused by that

you feel my care for trying to understand this situation and understand someone i care about is a bad thing? glip didn't do things to minors, marl did and marl is long gone and i hate him glip abhors violence

glip was groomed by marl when they were a teen, marl tried to groom me and used a bunch of people sexually and fucked dogs and lied to glip for years

your comparison doesn't really make sense because marl would fit what i assume you are trying to imply more than glip would

glip hurt people, and they drew problematic nsfw, but they've tried to address this and work through this its not… the same as willfully doing horrible sexual acts like marl did

i do not understand your comparison still

[pengosolvent]

I'm worried about you being with glip again. They are known for being manipulative and other shady stuff, and looking at the discord logs it doesn't look as she have changed. I don't want you to be abused again, or become the abuser. Things people write to you here upsets me a lot. I know it's stupid since we don't know each other, but I've been a fan of your arts for years, and in a way I care about you too. Sorry if I've hurted you, I'm just expressing my concern...

i don't mind concern being expressed though i cannot really address your worries much if you are being vague about "looking at the logs" also, glip goes by they/them i won't be abused again and i won't become an abuser ^ i know this is quite easy for me to write, but i genuinely don't feel that way i feel less tangled than i have in years, and i am able to (for the first time in my life) disengage rather than prolong very painful engagements

which i feel is very important specifically in avoiding abuse (being unable to leave is how i have most often been abused in my life)

[pengosolvent]

What happened in college?

the long and short of it was i had a lot of unmanaged anxiety and depression that got worse when i would get into fights with my ex it came to a head when we had some explosive argument in feb i believe and i couldnt get out of my room to do anything i couldnt even eat for a few days all i remember is basically being completely blank in bed i ended up calling my mom and expressing i couldnt do this whole college stuff, because i was afraid that i would basically starve myself or otherwise continue a downward spiral i also felt bad it would cost so much money too... i could try to hang out and need to pay like 60k a year, or i could dip now and only have a bit of debt instead which is what i ended up doing

i'm sorry this summary is so barebones, it's genuinely something where i feel like if i try to elaborate, i will sound like i'm asking for pity, which i don't want to do it was just a deeply sad time in my life

[pengosolvent]

same anon from perfume bridgefall ask i duont know i just thought of that she would smell it or smth and be like “omg i like this” and keep a lot sorry

oh no need to apologize!! i was just genuinely curious i do like the idea of -smells- haha wow nice -keeps- i can see that response being possible i think sort of its hard to word well because twaintense is a really specific setting, so its not exactly like she'd have a perfume collection, but i do think she'd value smells a lot

[pengosolvent]

"punishment occuring to marl" what punishment, the guy got away scotfree back then as far as its known. unlike glip and eevee he had no online rep to be destroyed by his tendencies towards dogs and children coming to light and it all sounded like you and glip quickly gave up reporting him to any sort of authority or really anyone who could do something about it cuz something something his daddy was a cop. how convenient.

that last sentence it reveals such a distrust why are you here asking me anything if it sounds like you already don't trust my words? what are you expecting? me to try even harder with a justice system that has hurt me when you don't even care about me? that's the impression you have given me

i'm serious… why did you send this ask? if youre upset, you certainly did not state it what are you expecting as a response? like what kind of a response could i give that actually changes or moves anything from this question?

my first attempt to talk to the cops was like ten years ago before i ever reconnected with glip, and the cops didn't care they literally did not care i left from there feeling horrid, that no one cared about what had happened re: marl it's part of why i didn't try to talk about marl sooner

i have tried and just because it's not enough for you, doesn't mean i owe anyone any sort of efforts in this regard if you reply in this tone again, i am blocking you because i do not feel there is anything productive here if you reply going "well you should have tried again and again until something happened" i am blocking you, because i do not exist to pour effort into a void like that why is marl my responsibility? i did genuinely already try, i gathered up so much info to report things i already tried! i spoke to multiple different authorities

at this point, its up to them

if you are upset that marl didnt go to jail, maybe look at the justice system and be upset in their direction instead

i literally cannot make them care you exerting pressure on me like glip and i should be able to do something and haven't done enough just makes me feel like no matter what we do will not be enough for you because it was not up to us

"how convenient"? why put out a feeling of doubt like this? you trying to push shame on me isn't going to magically make anything change i have no reason to lie about that aspect??? literally, that's something that was known to me since like what 2015 or something i remember there was even shit on KF about how marl's dad was a cop, this is literally something that had been known for a while? marl literally talked about how he knew how to get away with murder because his dad was a cop!!! you talk like that is so "convenient" but it does not feel convenient to be around someone who will literally express being able to kill someone and get away with it! thats terrifying actually! you ignore that there are feelings at play here that made things difficult, you ignore that sometimes the justice system in the US is bloated and terrible, it seems like you ignore things to just land on "you guys just gave up quickly. how convenient."

life is not simple like this it is not as simple as "these two people just didnt try hard enough to do the thing"

also, "punishment" in my wording does not mean "he got got by the law"

"punishment" was me writing my callout and including him, how he'd basically cower over ever being mentioned, how he'd have to write shitty apologies or such, or how in 2018 the logs dropped and he got some heat on him

it registered as "punishment" to me at those times in that other people caused something bad (emotionally distressing) to marl

i did not intend "punishment" to even mean "equal to what glip and eevee got"

the focus of that part was "any time anything bad happened to them, it didn't actually help me heal and didn't actually make me happy"

it didn't and doesn't make me happy that marl suffered because i don't know if he'll ever understand or care about what he's done i've had to find closure elsewhere

suffering doesnlt prevent people from continuing to do horrible things, pain getting tangled can actually make people become normalized to doing horrible things

edit: ugh tumblr editor is so WEIRD it copy pastes my stuff wrong!!! sorry, there was a weird double section here

[pengosolvent]

iris i got your reply and i appreciate it, its gonna take me a little while to reply back, but i just wanted to post a thing quickly to acknowledge you (so you know i saw and don’t feel like i just left you on read)

[pengosolvent]

🦀 Crab of support

i got so tickled by this i read it outloud to my roommate and he was like -touched, tender vocal tone- thank you... crab...

[pengosolvent]

why do you talk like that? like your speech patterns have gotten so different as of late it's like a completely different person, are you ok?

i talk the way i feel helps me, personally, share my thought process people talk multiple different ways and this is mine "are you ok?" feels like a weird question to ask after someone sent me an ask trying to hurt me, what does "ok" mean for you?

[pengosolvent]

Hey Buddy!!! Long time no see!! Been a bit, no? UwU I hope you’ve been enjoying your time as Ash’s mini-me. I’ve been personally working to improve my life, hope you consider it too!! 💜 it snowed yesterday, at least for me. Do you like the snow, friend? How about bunnies? 🐰 you know, I’m a bunny! Maybe you remember me from the servers? I was doing a comic about the future!! Anyways, bunnies are the best! 💕 I’ve included an image of a bunny for you cuz they’re so cute!!! 🥰 anyways, talk to ya later, my good friend! ~Iris

hello do not message me unless you want to address how cruel you were to me and an entire server of people this is a boundary

if you message me again without acknowledging that you decided to hurt everyone from a misguided attempt at heroism, i'm going to block you

i would ask that you please read what i have written below thoroughly before responding, if you respond

again, i don't read reblogs, so i don't recommend you write a huge response if its something you want me to see

if somehow you continue to want to talk to me, i would recommend sending an ask so i can understand your intentions (this is assuming that it matters to you that i can understand you, which i do not feel is present currently)

anyway

i'm going to start with your message and build from there given my impressions and feelings from your previous engagements

my memory is you treat things like games and talk to others with deep condescension, like you are doing now, so no i do not feel you have improved from when you said the following:

Happy Eastar!! Do you like my gift? I hope you do

this was after you leaked things you acknowledged you would "hurt innocent people" but that you could not let things go

this, to me, means that you are someone who is willing to hurt hundreds of people, just to maybe affect a handful of them you are someone who is willing to, in the same breath as condemning ash for being able to hurt vulnerable groups ("Many of them, like me, have autism, ADHD, anxiety, Depression."), hurt those literally exact same people you are willing to hurt people like you AND yourself, by leaking a majority of a server just to try to hurt me, ash, eevee, and whoever else

you "could not let things go" and so you hurt hundreds of people and it does not seem like you have changed, if you are messaging me like this, with no indication of care or acknowledgement of what you did

i don't feel like it's okay to knowingly hurt a ton of people, as though they are NPCS to destroying some final boss that would make me very sad actually and i would work very hard to find alternative routes than to hurt multiple people i try to acknowledge if i have hurt others i try to listen if they are willing to share, and are not actively trying to push my feelings around

you are not my buddy, i have no direct positive connections nor feelings towards you

i have positive connections and feelings towards ash, because he doesn't do faux-cute poison like this he tries to acknowledge his feelings and where they come from and why even the ugly feelings

in the past he didn't, but he tries to now

pretending to be someone's friend in a way that seems to be intended to get under my skin is poison muddying the waters of what it means to be a friend and kind, is poison

it feels to me that you have not been improving your life if you messaged me with a thinly veiled passive aggressive faux-positive reply happy people do not message those they have hurt, those who they believe are abusive and cruel, with bubbly messages like these

"I hope you’ve been enjoying your time as Ash’s mini-me. I’ve been personally working to improve my life, hope you consider it too!!" is not fooling anyone you do not know my life, so going "hope you consider it too" is an implication of "you, pengo, have not improved"

and yet you come here, to talk to me, like you didnt literally hurt hundreds of people without any sort of actual apology saying "i'm sorry to those people, anyway i HAD to do this because i couldn't let it go!" in a channel no one can see, is not an apology nor is it even caring

you said this too: "I know what you’ve done, don’t even fucking try to lie to me. I know about the porn you’ve drawn. It’s burned itself into my fucking memory. Ash, I want you to know that it hurt. It hurt so fucking much to accept that. Through your art I was able to finally accept myself."

how did you see the porn that scarred you so much iris? did glip show you directly? you admitted glip got better at handling NSFW things, and yet you acted like glip drawing porn traumatized you… what was the context there? that glip drew nsfw of underage characters? he hasnt in years he's deleted images he remembers to delete or has access to delete, so who showed you? was it those former members of the servers you said spoke to you? was it KFers?

KFers used to show me horrible stuff, which is why im asking they were in pain and wanted me to validate their pain i wanted my pain validated, too

but they wouldnt really ask before showing me shit sometimes and they were incorrect in what they shared sometimes

it sounds like you chose to accept something that someone hurt you with not that glip hurt you with i could be wrong, this is just how it sounds like

glip having drawn porn in the past… did you know that if people are hurt as a kid, that pain can affect their world view? and that as an adult they may still have trauma that they don't realize is trauma?

did you know that glip was drawing porn when they were a minor because they needed money to support their family? surrounded by adults who didn't see an issue with that?

that doesnt go away just because you hit 18 if no one talks to you or corrects this in you especially in an internet age before people were much more vocal and open about caring about minors and not hurting them, with parents who didnt care, married at freshly 18 to the man who groomed you

you yourself admitted that he got better about NSFW things so what ACTUALLY is your issue, iris? i ask that genuinely while i feel you do not care to understand me, i do feel that i wish i could understand you i feel youre not aware of how much i do pay attention if you're asking "maybe you remember me from the servers?" like you're a cutesy anime cartoon character i feel like you don't take things seriously where you are able to, yet act like you are a crusader of the highest order this is the impression you give

you could have asked and talked about these issues, porn and such, before deciding to go nuclear (pun intended, since your future comic was about the future after a nuclear war in flora… i do remember you. i had been nice to you, before you did all this), but you didn't you tried to stay secretive and just observed hatefully, exposing yourself to a server you hated for a year, before leaking to KF

thats really not healthy i am aware a while ago you expressed still having a mole in the server or something truthfully, for your own sake, i hope that's not true because it feels like you are just drip feeding your own hatred

you're making a choice to keep up with these things, and a choice to not listen to what others express about these things

instead of untangling why you feel hurt, you're poking me it doesn't really add up

---

you do not know my relation to ash, so stating "i hope you are enjoying your time as ash's mini-me" holds many many assumptions it also holds false hope happy people are not insincere like this if you mean the hope genuinely? then you would not assume what i am to ash

so i do not accept it

here is my hope, which you do not have to accept: genuinely, i hope that you do not need to poke at others from your insecurities

i hope that you do not feel you have to engage like this with anyone else, ever again

i say this as someone who used to be entwined with KF-related activities and would talk to a lot of people who were in pain from glip i hope that the impulses you have in acting these ways pass and do not stress you further

you come off as hugely stressed and wanting to be important its okay to want to be important, but the actions you take towards that, acting like this, are aligned to cruelty, so i hope you can unalign yourself from that

i hope that you can love yourself genuinely, i do mean that i am not trying to be faux-positive like your message was, nor am i trying to be passive aggressive

i do believe when you said " It hurt so fucking much to accept that. Through your art I was able to finally accept myself."

it sounds like you hate that you cared about ash and flora, and that flora was something you cared about deeply as a part of yourself

ive been there before i hated that i cared, and then got hurt and it seemed that ash had not cared (and all the stuff going on with marl, too) ash had helped me accept myself ash had helped me get away from an abusive relationship, and helped me see i didn't need college to be happy with myself ash helped me feel okay with being me, despite all my issues

so when things went sour in 2013, all the pieces he helped me with, turned sour too when he laughed at me with his at the time friends, when he tried to sue me, so on

it was awful

people relied on me to talk about things, because they were too scared to

it crushed me, iris

i don't know if you will actually listen to me but genuinely, sincerely, it was not healthy for me to pin my self worth on being "the guy that others can talk to about how they got hurt by pk"

the way you talk reminds me of me, the feelings i never really shared openly

i suppose earlier i said that i don't have any direct positive connections to you but there is an indirect positive connection, which is that i perceive similar patterns in you that were in me and i care about myself and am trying to care about myself, and believe that i am deserving of care, even when i have been hurtful

so i hope that talking to you in a way i wish i had been talked to, passes that care forward you did things that are hurtful, but cementing yourself further in that doesnt help you or anyone

it can be embarrassing and painful to realize how you've been acting, but it's better to realize it and move forward than to just decide "actually the way i'm acting is fine", because that is at least considering things and not being stuck

but… if it doesn't feel safe to admit to this, then… it's easier to keep on the hateful path sometmes

i am trying to be real with you right now, despite your completely poisonous message <-- this is not me with intent to be "mean", this is me being honest. it reads like poison

positivity is not a virtue actually being willing to look at and work with whats ugly and painful… i value that much more highly

people have strange, weird, ugly, scary feelings sometimes that doesn't mean they are intrinsically bad people that are deserving of harm

you act like people being upset over things makes them evil

you choosing to send a faux-positive message feels like you think this is an acceptable way to act because its "nice"

you act like someone who hasnt been allowed to have strong feelings unless they're in an "appropriate" context, (like, say, leaking a server and hurting hundreds of people, being justified because the Main people are Bad and Evil)

and i hope you can get out of that

i feel caring is a virtue, i feel caring is genuinely what is needed in this world not positivity sometimes care can be tangled and difficult care can be putting boundaries to care for oneself

punishing a "bully" is not the same as caring for the "victims", iris thats what ive had to learn through this decade long experience

punishment occurring to marl or glip or eevee… it never really made me happy it never made me feel better it was never enough, because my pain still existed, because i was not caring about my own pain

punishment doesn't really change anything in this regard

people harassing glip just made him scared and cling to marl harder, be more easily manipulated by marl people harassing me (before i reconnected with glip) just made me hate myself more and be less willing to actually understand glip's side of things

and its not like i even needed to try to understand glip, by the way i'm not trying to say that "you should try to understand the side of the person who hurt you" as a rule set in stone

but i am trying to express… i wanted to understand not understanding why i was hurt, hurt me more if i could just understand, i would start to be able to heal

so in my specific situation, understanding would have helped me

feeling understood also could have helped me

you act like you don't care to understand and don't feel like you could be understood which makes you feel like a wall i imagine the reason you're trying to be faux-positive is because i expressed the last time i replied to you about a year or so ago, that i didn't like when people acted overly familiar with me if that's the case, it feels like you're purposefully trying to hurt me which feels like a wall if you're trying to purposefully hurt me, it feels like you just want to punish me

you're choosing this i understand you expressed being scared of interacting before, but you're choosing to interact right now in a way that is abrasive instead of ever having chosen to just… talk to me or glip

you act like we HAVE to argue you chose to go to KF before ever expressing any sort of feeling about anything

these are your choices

i remember having interest in your comic and your work i remember being curious about what you had been doing i remember wondering "why nuclear war?" when glip has really strong feelings about preserving the earth and puts those feelings into flora … i wanted to understand why you had felt that was something you had wanted to include

and it feels like you didn't really care about your own work and feelings, if you chose the most explosive and cruel methods of response

you expressed: "I've seen you shut people down, not give them an inch on the pettiest shit imaginable"

i don't feel that you understood what you were seeing in the server, if you felt things were "the pettiest shit imaginable"

this sounds like you're acting like some things are too small to talk about, if they're causing you pain which sounds like ignoring pain until it blows up which sounds like exactly what you ended up doing

instead of asking questions as to why things were occurring the way they were, you watched in silence for a year to drop a bunch of logs on KF

instead of actually using your energy in a direct manner, to show you cared, you tried to maximize your efforts to cause harm to hundreds of users, including those who you claimed were hurt by glip

these contradictions in your feelings are worth looking into, iris i wish you felt that they were worth looking into

i don't expect you to take this message seriously i feel like you may get defensive

it's sad to me (genuinely, in that i feel sadness in my heart. i do not mean "sad" like "this is pathetic") but i accept if you don't listen, really

i'm not the one you're hurting by doing this i do not feel "deep" pain here, even if i do feel sadness for you, because i've already accepted that you don't understand me and i have nothing to indicate that you have change positions into wanting to understand me

i write this partially for myself, partially for anyone who does feel pain and might be willing to actually hear my words (and open a discussion, avoid falling into what i did and what you seem to be stuck in), and for you on the tiny chance that maybe me saying this can plant a seed of understanding

but i do feel that you are in pain, if you are seeking me out

you may notice, that i did not seek you out, or anyone out who has hurt me in the past, to be passive aggressive like you are doing

that's because i actually have been enjoying my time with ash i enjoy exploring myself and working with his world it makes me happy i can feel love and care and i feel secure in it

so i do not feel the need to keep up with things that make me upset, or those who have hurt me unlike in the past, where i would be talked to about KF updates and people would just put a lot of negativity on my door that i could not handle but that i felt i "had" to handle

now, i think about past events, and i reach out to those who i want to reconnect with

so why are you messaging me, iris? do you genuinely feel that messaging me makes you happy?

is there a part of you that does want to reconnect with me, but can only express that through faux-positive "ironic" poison messages? do you feel that messaging me relieves some kind of negative tension in you?

if its the last one, then i hope you can find ways to relieve tension that actually rely on yourself and your feelings, than poking someone you've hurt

if you're reading my words like i am a liar and ingenuine, then thats fine (for me, i mean, its probably not for you because it is indicative of distrust in a way that i think is hurting you)

i have no real feeling of wanting to convince you of anything like i said, this is also partially for myself and for others, than just you

i admit, i do wish you cared about how you leaking that affected me it hurt a lot at the time reading: "Happy Eastar!! Do you like my gift? I hope you do"

maybe it will make you "happy" to know it hurt? i feel that was your goal it did hurt it hurt me because of what i was going through at that time i do not feel comfortable sharing, because i don't feel like you will care it was one of the lowest points of my life

and then you leaked things from the server, and said the above it made me realize that while i had tried to be kind to you, you only cared about hurting me that you would be happy to kick me while i am down

i feel no urge to share what was occurring in my life at the time, because i feel like you will either interpret me sharing that as trying to guilt trip you, or that you won't care

but i do feel the urge to share that i wish you had cared i wish that, for all your words about being upset at how glip hurt others, that you thought about how you would be hurting others

just because someone hurt someone (including you), does not necessarily mean it is beneficial to hurt them back especially when it involves hurting hundreds of others at the same time

i wish you had cared to ask questions before it led to that i wish you could see that this response i am giving you is a form of care, even if you probably won't believe that

i could have just deleted this message and blocked you wordlessly, but i didn't

i had just mentioned you to someone… literally yesterday i had a dream with nuclear themes that reminded me of your comic

then i woke up to a message from you

i felt it was important to at least try to respond

but i dont feel any indication that you will understand because you've shown that you think it's okay to bully people with anxiety and depression and adhd and autism and whatever else, as long as they're one of the "bad" people, or even just around the "bad" people

and "bad" people don't seem to be people to you

i don't feel like you think of me as a person iris and that makes me a bit sad

because it means no matter what i say right now, you won't listen because i'm just a cartoon villain trying to trick you

instead of someone who is trying genuinely to share a feeling i have, because i feel it is relevant and applies to you and i would like you to not be so hateful, because feeling hatred is painful both for you and those around you

or… at least, thats how it feels

writing this at all is, for me, a small bit of hope that something can change even if it wont change right now

we are not friends, but we do not have to be for me to hope that things improve for you i feel the need to restate that i will block you if you message me again without any acknowledgement that you caused harm

i would rather not, i really rather things progress and heal, but i have no intention of talking within your framework because your framework excludes my feelings

my feelings matter, even if you hate me they may not be relevant in specific contexts, but they do matter

i guess this is goodbye for now

best of luck, iris

[pengosolvent]

i think bridgefall is the type to have a perfume collection

why?

[pengosolvent]

Have you watched or are considering watching the new Puss in Boots movie? Its really good and i think you would like it :)

a friend of mine is interested, and another one saw it i dont have a big interest, but maybe i'll try sometime

[pengosolvent]

favorite fruit?

currently maybe oranges

[pengosolvent]

hey I just found your tumblr and wanted to say I've been listening to your music for years and nothing else hits quite like it! thank you for making and sharing it!! I love your work!!

aw thank you