pennywishpoems

[pennywishpoems]

weekend fights

you speak in riddles while i speak in rhymes

i've no idea what you're after most of the time

and if it's a test of intelligence, i stand no chance

my every failure stains both of my hands

Pen

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[pennywishpoems]

cptsd

No matter how close

And no matter the years spent

It's like yesterday

*

Aall over again

I'm right there, in the darkness

Fumbling my way through

*

Pen

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[pennywishpoems]

Haunted Corridor

My eyes can’t help but follow you

as you cross this hazy living room.

I question steps 2 and 4, we're living

in a haunted corridor.

I beg for your voice to fill the space

within the silence that drives me away.

I’m never myself, just a clone of you

and I can’t be another way.

Pen

#poem #poetry #poetryportal #writerscreed #spilled ink #poets on tumblr #twcpoetry #twc #poeticstories #writtenconsiderations #anxiety #lit

[pennywishpoems]

first week of fall

dammit, i’m listening to the Red album

again. it’s on repeat with my memories,

intrusive thoughts, my PTSD. and it’s

that time of year again. so i write this

in hopes to adjust their expectations

‘cause i’m a different person when the 

daylight ends.

There’s a song that says it all too well; i

leaned on it all winter. i’d found it in the

fall and let it snag me like a splinter. i

watched your photo float down river as

i saw my body wane and wither. i think

i’m dead just like these leaves every

time i remember.

Pen

#poem #poetry #spilled ink #poets on tumblr #twc #twcpoetry #writers on tumblr #poetryportal #poeticstories #smittenbypoetry #writtenconsiderations #writerscreed #fall #autumn #depression #seasonal depression #seasonal affective disorder #mental health

[pennywishpoems]

Fear

I let fear take control of my mind. There are

so many things I’d rather do while I write. 

And I know I’ll regret it when it’s my time to 

die. But for the life of me I just can’t live my 

life. I want tattoos and I want to be published. 

I want to wander down every trail in existence. 

I want to be married with a couple of kids.

And train another puppy for my boy to run

around with. I want to leave this forsaken

city; it’s toxic and grey; my friends have all

moved away. in my nightmares my life is cut 

tragically short and i know what it means, 

their reason for torture. i need to get out 

there and do things my way before the

life I was blessed with is taken away. 

Pen

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[pennywishpoems]

bronze

here i am, just reaching

out for literally anything

as if my fingertips are blessed

with bronze, and i shimmer

vulnerability in gold and

your absence will always 

have a hold on me, pain bold 

like the battle this brought to 

me. but i should respect the

distance ‘cause no one good

would risk it. but you’re in all

the pages and the margins-

all of it. 

Pen

#poem #poetry #spilled ink #twcpoetry #poets on tumblr #poetryportal #poeticstories #twc #writtenconsiderations #muse

[pennywishpoems]

protector

your voice, gentle against my rigid

nervous system. your volume was

quiet, calm aside my disregulated

psyche. i could swear this healing

comes straight from your tongue

with "look at what you've done:

you've won." you brace against

the bleak dark skies and shout

"the darkness can't have this one."

Pen

#my therapist

[pennywishpoems]

since memorial day

find me grieving you

on the worn bedroom carpet

my mind, a hand me down spool

weaving my grief into threads

find me grieving you

at the scene of the accident

my nails digging into the road

and knees skinned on cement

find me grieving you

swallowing unkept promises

guilt and grief are heavy enough

to sink the strongest of ships

Pen

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[pennywishpoems]

Apothic Inferno

Do I need to remember your

Favorite type of wine? Must

I play your favorite band from

Elaborate stages in my mind?

*

Why must I live inside the lyrics

Played in your old Honda each

July I’d come to visit? Oh, boy,

God knows the rhymes I write

In my sleep, and how they taunt

Me in dreamt up streets, how our

Memories keep me hoping you’ll

Come back to me- but I’m not

Sure that’s what’s best for our

Psyches.

*

We try on for size the most

Tearful of goodbyes. There’s

Nothing heavier than music

Of the blues, of lovers who

Lose all they’ve been holdin’

Onto, on dark, storm-soaked

Nights, with tears streaming

From our eyes like a downpour,

Like the opening of the heavens.

Like the cleansing of acid rain.

Like every farewell still encased

Within irreparable pain.

*

Apothic Inferno. The Decemberists.

The Crane Wife. Amber Run and the

Band from our adolescence and our

Hardest lives. Lyrics in which we’ve

Since buried our promises. I still miss

You, like this. From stages that spin

‘Round in my head. From memories

I can’t help but relive again, again.

*

This is what happens when you

Leave something unfinished. Lack

Of closure remains a dividend of

Dreams for which you keep wishin’

And it’s no one’s duty to pretend the

Cards that we’ve been given haven’t

Sent us reeling through visions of

Streets where love blossoms, your

Hands fit in my pockets, and all of

Our wishes- granted.

*

Pen

[pennywishpoems]

guilt writing

i’m treading a deep sea

i’m dead weight; i can’t breathe

and you are the safety I need

but for years we haven't been speaking

*

it was all just delusion

i spun reality into confusion

and when it all broke, i spent

nearly a decade fixing it

*

that memory fucks with my head

it holds the power to alter my mindset

i fantasize about the resolve in death

this is guilt, writing to be misread

Pen

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[pennywishpoems]

Amen (my crisis of faith)

My faith is a bud trying to root- yet washed

Away with every watering. As if each time my

Prayer is answered I find another doubt with

Which to drench the tendrils of my belief. But

Now I beg, "reach." Call out for the sun, bend

Toward the light. Ground the flight and listen

To the ones whose smiles come without any

Fight, whose joy has been constant my entire

Life; I’ve watched them all bloom through all

Avenues of the internet. They’ve all got kids

Attached to their hips and their innocent,

Christened faces look just like ‘em. Their

Faith remains unshakable beyond any kind

Of circumstance. Sometimes I can’t ignore

Coincidence. But I think, for years, I did. For 

Years, I did. 

*

But then I start thinking about their flawless

Lives and their commitment to Christ. And

I can’t forget how they rejected me after

Learning my sexuality (along with my very

Underage drinking) and I wonder if they’re

Happy ‘cause they’ve no memory of being

Rejected from His house of worship. Never

Were they ruthlessly plucked from the very

Place their faith was born. From the body

Of Christ whose love formed their value-

Despite how one really shouldn’t measure

Themselves by the loudness of their voice

On a Sunday in a stained-glass venue.

*

The last time I stepped foot in that church

Was for a funeral I never wanted to have to

Attend. An angel of a human ripped from my

Life- twice. I remember, God, how all of the

Lights went out that night. And my friend

And I stayed up all night. She prayed, and

I cried. She called out for a miracle that I

Swore we’d never find. 

*

Sometimes I think I am the reason, God,

You took my earthly angel’s life. I didn’t

Pray hard enough, or believe, that night. 

I sobbed into my pillow, and not for the

First time. I got drunk in my love’s arms

And not for the first time. 

*

So where do I go, now? How do I repair

What’s been shattered and covered in

The dust of my mistrust in a higher power

Who supposedly loves while condemning

Our afterlives to a place like hell, with the

Gnashing and the perpetual pain and the

Flames burnin’ blue at their roots yet “he

Loves you.” 

*

I took on an eastern religion. I tried being a

Buddhist. I believe all life is precious and I

Spend my mornings in the sweet peace of

Guided meditation. I save insects from death

In the swimming pool but it doesn’t make me

Feel any less like a fool. Plus, the more I clear

My head, the lonelier I get. 

*

Was that a sign all along? Did you rip her from

My life so this morning I’d write this, and sob?

Not for the first time. Nothing else, is for the

First time. I’ve run this route of doubt into the

New of the ground I mean what was I supposed

To do without her around? Still believe in you?

Still follow your path always paved in profound

Riddles and rules and restrictions all bound

In leather, a weapon in their grip, in the hands

Of the ones who said "you are not allowed to

Love like this."

*

My faith remains a bud, still trying to root.

I believed in her the way others believe in

You. So forgive me for holding a grudge, 

For having a bone to pick and not having

A clue what to do. I still have no clue,

What to do. I just wanted you to know that

I missed her, and I’ve no one to blame but

You.

Amen. 

Pen

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[pennywishpoems]

i miss your stupid

adorable face

i want to write

you away

#drafts

[pennywishpoems]

intrusive thoughts

Have your thoughts ever thrown

Strobe lights at the ceiling? Like

All the stars are burning out as

If they’re all competing. Watch

Them collide and combust, acting

Like us, and then disappear into

Absolutely nothing. 

Do the thoughts remain? Do your

Obsessions stay? Your hands are

Rubbed, calloused, overwhelmed

By all this. And your kneecaps

Bleed as you pray for a world

You wanna keep. For the stars to

Make it worth the grief. 

In some daydream there’s relief.

In some fantasy thoughts come

And simply leave. But until the 

Stars finish falling, this condition

Is rampant in my psyche. God if I

Could collide with you maybe I’d

Find some peace.

Pen

#poem #poetry #spilled ink #creative writing #twcpoetry #smittenbypoetry #poetryportal #poeticstories #poetwhispers #twc #mental health #ocd #intrusive thoughts

[pennywishpoems]

i'm tired

I’m tired of taking my meds 

Russian roulette, hope for the best 

And I’m tired of playing pretend

Dissociated, never feeling again

Aren’t you avoiding relapse, they ask

Aren’t you stable enough, they judge

A hospital doesn’t quell Bipolar.

Therapy isn’t a quick fix for OCD.

And god so help me, meds don’t repair

Everything entirely, all of it immediately,

Put it back together conveniently- 

Nothing is a perfect remedy.

But i’m tired of silence in therapy

mom’s friends saying they’ll pray for me

I’m tired of provoking my depression

Just for my emotions to break even

“It’s about damn time,” they patronize

A defensive stab, a smart-ass reply

I didn’t choose that year on the carpet;

Depression stripped me down to a carcass. 

Don’t you think I would’ve chosen peace 

given the chance? I had my own blood on 

my hands. I had your blood on my hands; 

I needed forgiveness.

Pen

#poem #poetry #writerscreed #smittenbypoetry #poetryportal #spilled ink #twc poetry #poeticstories #poetwhispers #mental health #depression #bipolar #ocd #being vulnerable af right now

[pennywishpoems]

spider

I watch a spider crawl the wall 

behind my desk and it suggests

Maybe I should clean up this mess.

If this one’s here, where are the rest? 

Sincerity is a let down and sobriety 

Is boring now. I wish I were a bug

Crawling out of a phase that was

Completely predictable and judged

In absolutely no way. 

Pen

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[pennywishpoems]

in another lifetime, we worked.

My fingertips still miss your lips

as I strum this old guitar. They

grace each string like when I 

traced your teeth that night

inside your car. 

I used to sing this song to you

and i’d miss every note. To save

my life I can’t carry a tune but

you never let it show. I miss 

Those nights, the bar lights;

Every city street was home. 

Every streetlight found your

Shadow every stoplight told

us to go.

 

Pen

#poem #poetry #spilled ink #writerscreed #poetryportal #smittenbypoetry #twcpoetry #lit #poetryriot #love #kismet

[pennywishpoems]

wednesdays @ noon

I put her on a pedestal. I worship her and her well-

put-together life, what little she reveals. Her words

are deeply imbedded into my psyche, yet some of

them escape with the smoke that breathes out of me. 

Some days all I need is for someone to like me. Or I 

need to pick a fight, to feel the bite in me. And on

my worst days, I just need someone to lie to me.

You’re alright

You’re okay

Maybe I need to write it out so she gets it. ‘Cause I 

can’t communicate beyond what I’ve written. Every

spoken word feels like filler, feels timed and rehearsed. 

I people-please my way through our meeting and I

think I just painted a masterpiece of my absolute

worst. God I need an intervention; can she keep me

sober? Do I need attention or is this relationship over?

Not alright

Not okay

Pen

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