poetic-beats

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You are worthy, you are enough, and you matter. No person or circumstance can ever change that or take that away from you. ❤️

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"Am I supposed to be grateful to have survived this?" -Brenna Twohy, from "I know Its A Little Late," Forgive me my salt.

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Anne Sexton, from a letter featured in Anne Sexton; A Self-Portrait In Letters

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Sometimes when I come back to this blog it just makes me cringe. Mostly because whenever I’m manic I start a ton of new projects whether its crappy art, jumping around to different sites for my poetry that I eventually ditch, different business ideas that I start but never finish, bad poetry I have written things I like but there’s also just bad poetry that served a purpose for me to vent but objectively is bad. It’s also a very open book of the events and stages I’ve gone through and some of you have followed me from the beginning and I just cringe at the thought of what it must look like seeing my erratic postings. And it’s a monument to all of my sadness and trauma and struggles and I don’t find that a bad thing though I guess because writing was helpful and I’m not ashamed of what I’ve struggled with but damn this blog was almost as much of a mess as my mind. Life has changed so much in the 7 years since I started this blog, I’m 30 now which is scary to be so old ( I know 30 isn’t actually old old but in context of where I am in my life) and yet feel like I’m so behind in adulting. It’s like when I hit 30 in my mind it changed you know until I hit that number I was still in my 20’s even if it was 29 it felt like okay I’m not an ‘adult’ adult yet so it’s fine my shits not together but its like okay I’ve hit 30 now I should’ve started checking some boxes off the list and whilst some things have improved I still have a long way to go. I’m in therapy now I managed to start early last year privately ofc because NHS sucks ass. Luckily she’s good about pricing clearly not in it for the money; was my old MH teams lead therapist before she quit didn’t know she’d gone private, found her by dumb luck. She’s really good & it’s already helped me so much. I managed to acquire a few new diagnoses at the end of last year not a surprise though nothing new or unexpected as such but sometimes does feel like it’s a never ending list. Oh I got a second cat!!! His names Shrimp and he’s adorable. Bagel loves him I’ll have to post a picture of them both at some point and after having not written/barely written anything for awhile I recently started writing poetry again. Not sure why I slowed down/stopped I guess things got really busy & I managed/coped in different ways I also just kinda lost it like I had a mental block when I did try writing. Anyways so I wrote some new stuff recently sadly it’s not exactly happy it’s more of a throwback to when I first started this blog, writing as a way to cope in the moment when emotions were too much, to sort of purge it from my mind. I’ve had some difficult things to deal with and it’s been a lot so being able to write again is bittersweet. I also can’t vouch for its quality but hey it helped me cope so does it really matter, guess not. Anyways idk that’s enough rambling from me now don’t know why I wrote this out on here I mean my blogs mostly dead apart from these random check ins I do where I give these life update posts which I”m not sure anyone even cares to read because this blog is so inactive now but here I am doing it anyways.

#erin talks #prsnl #long post #not poetry #life update

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[poetic-beats]

Hi, how are you?

Hi sorry for not replying sooner but I’ve not logged into this account in awhile so I’ve just seen this ask. I’m doing alright all things considered I mean I live in the UK so things politically have been a bit of a shit show. But other than that it’s not been too bad haven’t really been up to much lately. Went to Spain last month to visit my Granddad but he was in hospital so it was a stressful time especially as I had to take on a lot of the responsibilities. They wouldn’t discharge him from hospital until he agreed to get more care, he already has carers come out on dialysis days but he needs more since my Grandma died last year, a lot of it is depression but physically he has deteriorated and the social worker got involved. Ideally what he needed was to go into a home/retirement village. I don’t speak much Spanish mostly I can read the basics for getting around on holiday but speaking isn’t so good but I could do enough along with many having a little English that I was able to talk to the different places. But I have anxiety and phone calls really stress me out and it was a lot because we were there for a week so we had less than 7 days to get him a place because it took a few days to even get him to agree to help of any kind including getting carers to come out daily to his home. But then one day he mentioned a place him & Grandma had looked at as it was always there plan to move into one as they got older. This place is so SO lovely and the staff are great and it was nice to see him but it was stressful too and upsetting seeing him in that state in the hospital, but he seems to be improving and getting far better care where he is now (they have doctors on site and physiotherapy that he can do whenever he wants during the day so he’s been making good use of that as he’s wheelchair bound for the most part atm) What’s been going on in your life? How are you doing? I hope you’re doing well.

#ask #anon #life update I guess

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Feeling very eh idk guess my brain just hates me right now so thats fun….hopefully I’ll be getting an appointment soon with my psych and care co-ordinator or w/e at the new mental health team I’m currently under cos I moved out of area for my old one. So far the new CMHT seems pretty good they’ve said they are going to set in motion a lot of things but now I’m just left waiting to see when that’ll happen. I know some of it is gonna be a long wait list like for therapy but hopefully I’ll be given a psychiatrist and an appointment date set soon they said they were going to refer me for a diagnostic something or other appointment as some of my symptoms sounded like it could be trauma related and potentially ptsd/CPTSD symptoms so and they’re going to do an assessment into my anxiety too so they can get a better idea of how to treat it I suppose. Especially as my old psych never really asked me too many questions about it and never like identified what kind of anxiety disorder I have besides acknowledging my struggles with social stuff and panic attacks he wasn’t all that interested and just said yeah sounds like an anxiety disorder and gave me some meds for my panic attacks which didn’t work and then moved me onto x meds which havent been great so before I did move prescribed me a different drug that I’ve yet to start it tbh as I kinda want a set of fresh eyes to look over everything and re-evaluate my meds before going ahead as he was rather questionable on some things and Im just not 100 on his decisions as some contradicted my very first psych who I saw for yrs before he retired who I did trust. So I’m just a little iffy about it especially because he had a habit of not even listening to me when I was talking about side effects I had or issues and so im just very like not entirely confident in some things.

Anyways so yeah that’s my little life update I guess - things are kinda up in the air I have good days and I have bad days I was doing pretty good up until like maybe two or three days ago so I’m hoping I can break out of this idk I dont wanna call it depression I dont think its like super severe enough to be that but its definitely a low mood with some anxiety sprinkled in right now, but yeah hopefully I can get out of this low mood soon hopefully its not a sign of a relapse into a longer mood shift or something that is going to downward spiral me into a bpd depression which would be a lot worse I don’t want to have a full on bpd depressed breakdown so I’m trying to keep myself occupied. My cute little cat helps hes adorable and he is one of those cats who always wants to be held and I love that because its perfect for me I love that I’ve got a cat I can pick up and hold and give all the attention too. He’s definitely the cutest thing ever.

#erin talks #not poetry #life update I guess #mental health stuff #erin rambles

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New art piece - I followed a tutorial from Art With Flo on youtube same as before. I have two versions as its meant to be drawn with the misty clouds in the sky but i’m not happy with them so made a version without. Tutorial Link Here: X

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Love Is Like A Loaded Gun.

I can’t accept the happiness I deserve. I don’t know how. I’m so used to everyone leaving. I’ve been taught by those who are meant to love and nurture that I am not enough, not enough to deserve love so why would it be any different now? No matter how much progress I think I make, I can’t help but hit self destruct when things start to go too good. I’m always on eggshells waiting for the moment it’ll come crashing down. I can’t accept the happiness I know I deserve, because I’ve not been taught how to receive love without punishment, without some kind of catch. Love is a loaded word, its a gun and I’m playing russian roulette. ‘Love’ has never been just that so now I’m getting love, real love and I don’t know what to do with it. So I just hit self destruct again and again and again.

— Excerpt from a book I’ll never write, Thoughts on love when you’ve experienced trauma in your childhood.

#childhood trauma #childhood neglect #prose #short prose #excerpts from a book i'll never write #trauma #love #thoughts on love #love is like a loaded gun #writer #writing #bpd #bpd things #self destruct #self sabotage #writers #writers on tumblr #writers corner #spilt ink #vent #early morning thoughts

[poetic-beats]

Sinking Like Quicksand

I rusted like metal left out to the rain. Neglected I’m left once again.

With no one to help, I fell deep into the abyss.

Sinking;

in this quicksand that pulls me under. With a seemingly unending hunger.

[poetic-beats]

Shadows Of A Ghost.

This darkness is so vast I feel like I’m falling so fast. And with every fall I fear I’ll never make it out of here. That one day you’ll wake and I’ll simply disappear, as if I was never really here.

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Hey so now I’m back from Spain I’m ready to get back into the swing of things.

I just posted a new poem a day or two ago on this site I use called Vocal Media. It’s actually an old poem but I wanted to share it as it’s about a really hard symptom of borderline personality disorder that can often be hard for not only the person with BPD but those around them to deal with.

I included a really useful link and video that I think explains the symptom in greater detail and the link provides useful information on what to do when a loved one is splitting on you. Also if you did find the video useful there is a playlist with more videos from the same DR. I’ve watched a few of them now & I find her to be a good reliable unstigmatising source of information on the disorder. So if you guys want to/could check it out or reblog I’d be grateful I’m trying to get to 1k reads and I’m only 70 reads away from that goal.

[poetic-beats]

Paradise is an Equal Opportunity Employer

there's an iguana 

on the terrace

he doesn't need 

to say anything

I understand 

I'm just a visitor

to paradise

this is his turf

he owns it with

the power of

his presence

but he's not greedy

he's willing to share

I'm grateful for 

his generosity

as he realigns

his bulk to match

the movement

of the sun

[poetic-beats]

After doing that tutorial like a month back I then tried creating my very own scene in Procreate based on the skills the video taught me but I never got round to actually sharing it. So I thought I’d share. I’m really missing being able to create stuff like I mean specifically creating jewellery but until I have a desk set up I can’t really do any physical arts and crafts. I’m hoping I’ll get a desk within a week or two and be able to start making and selling my jewellery again cos I do miss it. But in the meantime I suppose I can practice digital art more.

#art #my art #digital art #original art #procreate #beginner artist #sunset art #sunset #digital artist #digital painting #trying to learn procreate