sadisticmystical

[sadisticmystical]

i mean it’s not like I matter to anyone in any kind of meaningful way, if I died ppl might be like, sad n shit, because it’s always sad when someone dies even when it’s someone you don’t know, but no gap would be left. there’d be nothing missing in anyone’s lives, everyone would move on right after so like, might as well kill myself right lol

[sadisticmystical]

6 years later and this is still true. I don't really know if things get better. at least not for me.

i think there is something very, very big missing from inside of me. the worst part is that i dont know what it is

[sadisticmystical]

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#i made a very big mistake #very very big #while being a drunken idiot #ive fucked up so many times while drunk i should have never taken anyones word for ot that i could get better after the first one #i knew ot then i know it now im a giant worthless piece of shit and i fucked up so bad #and im so grateful it wasnt worse #every single person there should literally never talj to me again i would understand i deserve it #ill never drink again ill never do any of this over again i promise please can i still be saved #i know i cant and im so sorry i thought i could im so stipid and so selfish for ever thinking i could just be around other people with no #consequences i knew i was fucked i knew it but i thought i could get better if i tried and tried and tried my hardest #i know now i know now please i cant be in this state of pretending everything is fine i know i ruined it please just #just tell me what would be enough to fix it #twll if nothing is enough to fix it #i can never drink again i can never speak to you again i can pay for it all i can hurt myself so bad ill never forget it ill do whatever #it is you ask just please ask and stop pretending its okay its not okay im so sorry i cant do this

[sadisticmystical]

how the fuck is it possible to be doing so much better and STILL BE BAD????

#i can go weeks. WEEKS! without even so much a thinking abt SH or sewerslide whne it used to be EVERY FUCKING HOUR OF EVERY DAY #i can enjoy activities with only mild and not crippling anxiety! ( #i talk to people outside my family on the regular! maybe not every day but most days!! #im trying new shit! im getting my license in a couple weeks despite spending the LITERAL LAST 6 YEARS IN COMPLETE TERROR OF IT #im learning social shit slowly and how to socialize w/o pausing to think about every goddamn thing #trying to figure kut my career #and my mental issues and what steps i should be taking to fix them even if my parents are against medication #cutting out unnecessary and unhelpful to my psyche social media (irony is not entirely lost on me) #im so fucking SH clean i cant even remember how long its been #like i am!!! by all goddamn accounts!!! BETTER!!! not healthy but fucking better!!!!! #why am i still feeling such lonely ass bullshit!!!!!!!!!!! this is so goddamn rude!!!!!!!! #i mean yeah im probably autistic and most definitely trans so thats gonna fuck up my life forever but still!!!!!! fuck!!!!!!!!!!!!! #depression #anxiety #mental illness #angry #how the fuck do you tag things!!!! #so many exclamation marks bro

[sadisticmystical]

TANTRUM // waterparks

[sadisticmystical]

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#wow im looking at the last post i made before coming back and combined with the like two year silence it looks like a fucking suicide note #fucking intense feelings i was feeling #now i am feeling different intense feelings like fuck you #not you personally im sure youre great #but yknow a general fucm you #yknow theres at least a couple heads i gotta crack if things dont get better like ppl say it does #like just bc im not suicidal on the daily anymore doesnt mean im not still gonna kick some ass over this #like this is not what *I* meant when i said i wanted it to ve better #clean from sh for whi fucking knows and not daily suicidal doesnt mean everythings hunky dory!!! #i still want friends and social skills and to know my place in life you bastards!!!! #fighting the fucking everpresent urge to organize my goddam posts and tags and shit #this is your fucking vent blog dipshit youre gonna need a vent blog for the vent blog and then where eill you fucking be

[sadisticmystical]

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#wow looking up the lonely autism tag was a fucking mistake this is just all of my own emotions and thoughts reflected back to me #every day i am closer to acdepting maybe i am autistic #but also its gonna be major embarassing if im not so fml #does anyone even say fml anymore #getting sidetracked here #hey like sorry fi you followed me bc i was suicidal #im not anymore and thays great and shit who cares now im just still dumb and lonely as all hell and angry @ the world and not myself #so #youll have to pardon the content shift

[sadisticmystical]

Sometimes I get consumed by this all-encompassing loneliness and it's so bad that I have to resist the urge to text old friends I haven't spoken to in years because that moment always passes and I go back to being like "Being alone is great, people suck and I am secretly God"

#fucking mood my god

[sadisticmystical]

Why does everyone I know always have someone in their life that is closer with them than I am with them? Why the fuck am I never anyones number one? I JUST WANT TO BE SOMEONE’S FUCKING NUMBER ONE. I’m so sick of this. I don’t fit with anyone. Everyone always has this perfect person or people that go perfectly with them. I’m the weird one with weird interests and weird mannerisms. I belong ALONE. That’s it. I’m not greedy. All I wanted was ONE person that goes along with me. But at this point I think I was created without my match. Why would someone do that. That’s fucking cruel. It’s shoved in my face constantly by how strangers have their people and people in my very own life have theirs. Yet for me, no one and nothing. Some fucking life.

#grrrrrr fucking GRRRRRR thsi is my CONSTANT FUNCING MONOLOGUE #why is it never me!!!! god fuckijg dammit its so selfish and so fucking terrible but i need to be someones number one!! #im not mad at anyone who doesnt have me as their number one bc really who would fucking want ME as their nukber one #like lmao sounds like a fucking death sentence #but also!!!! fuck the universe for not making me someones most importsnt person!!! #and dangling it in my fucking face!!! #im not even anyones best friend!!! how fucking pathetic!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! #im just a little fucking siocally awkward and oblivious im not even a mean or bad fuckinf person i swear to god!! #ok more than a little socially awkward #and like terrified kf ppl seeing my unfiltered personality but like. there are worse ppl whove found their fuckinf lifelong soulmates #im gonna bite someone i swear #god im having too many emotions im sorry bro

[sadisticmystical]

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#i cant remember the last time i’ve wanted to kill myself this bad #every other time i think it was because i felt like a burden and it would be better for other people #now i don’t fucking care about other people and i just want to die because i’ll never be happy alive so whatever #god i just have to get through this fucking work day and then i think that’s fucking it #i really want it to be just done. over. i don’t want to deal with any of this anymore

[sadisticmystical]

“It’s really fucking hard to talk about your future when all you want to do is to down a bottle of pills and not wake up tomorrow.”

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[sadisticmystical]

[sadisticmystical]

One day this will kill me and I can't wait for that day to come.

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