shammyb

[shammyb]

life’s feeling better as of late, and the sun sure helps 🙏❤️💕

#Myself #Me

[shammyb]

Glass Sculpture By Hennie Elzinga.

[shammyb]

'Bacchanal' - 2023 - Watercolour and Gouache

One of six original paintings exhibited @hensteethdublin as part of 'Apocalypse Chow'

[shammyb]

Mother of Pearl

[shammyb]

Shizue Kamitsuma aka Kamitsuma Shizue aka 上妻静枝 (Japanese, based Japan) - Youei, Japanese Paintings: Nihonga

[shammyb]

Being almost thirty looks like this (and Suki the cat chillin in the background). -No makeup (because my skin is too sensitive for it lol), -allowing my ego moments to share my muscles because thats what 10 years of consistent bouldering looks like and I guess its fun to let them shine here n there lol - Being back in therapy with someone who specializes in trauma for about...5ish months now? - Being more present in life and less active on social media for over 5 months now. (not completely absent but not finding myself scrolling or watching stories for up to hours sometimes, and posting all the time for a dopamine boost--- I post here and there to share about people I love, allow my creativity to flow through sharing my photography along with stories about my hardships and my wins -Being ALMOST DONE with getting my yoga teacher certification (i'm nervous as hell about the idea of teaching my first class but know how that is supposed to be a part of the process) -MEDITATING regularly -Prioritizing both my mental, physical, and nutritional health. -Prioritizing good sleep. -Reading more about what I find meaningful/excited about -Holding space for gratitude regularly - allowing myself to ask for help/what I need. -Having to see the doctor more often because my hormones are crazy at this age -Being a positive role model/influence to younger people in my life. -For once in my life, realizing living with a partner who is also my best friend is actually something I want in my near future -Lot's of forgiveness/letting go of what was not serving me -Quality > quantity -Contentment -Minimalism -Fun/play -Balance - Humility

#me #myself #rambles #almost 30 #29 #humility #strength #empowerment #yoga #climbing #bouldering #lessons #forgiveness #meditation #love

[shammyb]

Health Update All my tests have come back except for my endometrial biopsy which can take up to two weeks (It's been one week now) to be complete/show results. My blood panels were all fine and normal aside from that I have a pretty high white blood cell count...which can mean inflammation in my body, etc. My ultrasound for ovarian cysts came back looking normal. So basically my health issues/why im having my period 10-days straight every TWO weeks is still a mystery...And hopefully this biopsy will be what gives me answers to move forward. I'm fairly stress free atm, but not gonna lie it is a little stressful when i do let it get to me not knowing what's happening in my own body and therefor not having answers on how I can help give it the care it needs. Anyway----that aside, I've been well. I've been practicing love, meditating multiple times a week, taking lions mane almost every day, getting way better sleep as i dont smoke weed basically ever anymore, reading, climbing, getting back on track on my yoga certification----oh god, side note, someone is blasting country music outside my window and I'm going to go a little mad if it doesn't stop soon---- and just sticking to taking in and being the yoga sutras as much as i'm able. I've reconnected with old friends lately and have made a new friend at my current workplace who friggin has sooo many similar interests as me it's odd---but i took them climbing and got to teach technique/terminology and give them a positive memory of the sport and they seem to really like it! Anyway just random journally updates for me and anyone who randomly scrolls/has interest in my life I guess!

~Until next time~ P

#ramblings #updates #health #wellness #life #journal #me

[shammyb]

Fun fact, growing up, I was used to being around my huge extended family. Both my parents are siblings of 6 other siblings, meaning they grew up as families with 7 children. Well, My dad, up until I was around 7 ot 8, thought he only had 5 brothers, then come to find out my mom somehow (idr how) found out that my dad had a sister who was adopted out after birth, who lived in deleware. His sister, at 30-something years old, with a family of her own, found out she had 5 brothers she had never met and never knew existed and flew into portland to meet them all and their kids (me included) for the first time ever. That must be fuckin weird to happen in your thirties. Anyway how that relates to this post: My immediate family went up to Delaware to visit her and her family when I was in probably 4th or 5th grade, and drove through Pennsylvania, and it was the first and only time my little brother and I had seen fireflies and it was such a magical sight. Maybe one day, I’ll see them again. This post reminded me of that magical moment I’m glad me and my brother got to have as children. Too bad we were aweful of them and loved catching them/putting them in jars lol.

♡ 

[shammyb]

Beyond grateful to have besties from childhood. Here's one of them. If you ever see this (which you probably wont) I love you to pluto and back <3 I may have multiple chronic illnesses, but that won't stop me from making great memories and experiencing joy and love.

#besties #living our best gay life #oregon #pnw #secret spot #columbia gorge #columbia river gorge #hiking #myself #29 #feeling fine #swimming holes

[shammyb]

Hiked w the bestie and saw a mama salamader the size of my forearm. Summer, friends, and life are doing me well rn and im def savoring it all as it is, while it is <3 What a story this liufe is. A good one to read, that's definite.

#myself #pnw #salmon river #oregon #journal #mental health #ptsd #me

[shammyb]

[shammyb]

[shammyb]

You ever just have sex with the same person for three years straight and it just continues to get better every time? Yeah, lifes strange. haha.

[shammyb]

a few snips from backpacking a couple weeks back with Lowell.

#backpacking #pnw #pct #cascade locks #photography #sony a6000 #myself #my photography #someone i love

[shammyb]

My mama called me yesterday morning, telling me she had a mole on her face checked out and it is melanoma. They sent out a biopsy to find out what stage it’s at, and we’ll be talking soon, as she shoudl hopefully know within the next couple days tops. We had a really nice, long talk, but every time I think about what she said to me and that my literal creator may be dying (which ya we are always all dying technically but theres something different when you find its caused by cancer), I break into choking tears. Today I took the day off work, road my bike all the way out to the sandy river, wrote a lot about her and other little things, but bringing it back to her, while tears dripped on my pages, and birds flew over the water I was laying infront of, with joy.  I biked over to a target nearby after that, to try on a couple bathing suits, because i figured why not, and I was feeling extremely body dysmorphic, not liking how I look at the moment---then it all bringing me back to being a child in the dressing room with my mom, as she looked at herself in the mirror, crying at how she looked, though i always thought she looked so perfect; my creator, my god.  I’ll probably have to call out of work again tomorrow, which i’m not looking forward to, as I don’t have that much money these days since I quit dancing, and so much of my money went into fixing my car, literally only for my car to get a mold problem when we had terrible rainfall and make it undriveable (i found out i’m allergic to mold).  I also so a doctor the other day at Planned parenthood, after waiting for literally an hour after when my appointment was scheduled, and was referred to an ultrasound tech to check out my uterus, because sounds like I may have an ovarian cyst. I’ve known somethings going on in my body for a long time, and recently I’ve been having my period every 2 weeks. Being on OHP has been frustrating, as it’s already difficult to make doctor appointments for me, as last time I went to get an ultrasound, like in December or something, I never got a call back from the doctors who said they would call me back after my imaging was complete to follow up/make next steps. But this time its with planned parenthood, and they have a more thorough,  caring process when it comes to that stuff, so I’m hopeful that this time we’ll figure the fuck out what's going on inside my body. I’ve been wishing I could be held these last couple days. I don’t get to see my partner until Monday, and my parents literally live on the other side of the country, and I just want to curl up and be in safe, loving, arms. It’s difficult to picture life without my mom in it. She’s so sweet, so caring, and I will have to write an entire separate post sometimes about how big her heart is. I held so much resentment for things she wasn’t able to do out of fear in my past, but shes shown me for a while now (since my parents moved away) how shes been trying to be there, and send me post cards about things that reminded her of me, silly little gifts like a mug covered in bees (because I love bees), and just always calls and texts me that shes thinking of me and loves me these days. Shes been actively showing her love and she literally created me, and is just such a compassionate person...I dunno. I feel like I’m going through my 6-year breakup all over again lol, because of how headachy this is making me. For all I know, it could only be stage one and easily removed, but it also could be anywhere beyond, and time is just feeling extra extra valuable now. Lowell hasn’t said much and said he wont be available until monday and im trying not to think too much into that but I feel sad that I can’t be in his arms and that he isn’t willing to be more immediately available. We’ll see how all that works out and what he has to say/how he’ll be there on Monday.. Anyway, ya. scrambled but, after returning home from my bikeride, I decided to walk to the climbing gym, since I’ve not been making the time to go over the last couple months, frequently...But something in me told me I need to start being better at going again, for my mom. Because I love it, and she knows I love it too, and its def a form of self care for me. I’m glad I went, because I ran into a long time climbing pal, Sergey, and told him the news I just found out, and he started tearing up because it reminded him of how his mom passed and we hugged for a moment and it was very comforting and he wanted to give me some strength and yeah, i’m just glad I got to see a trusted community member who was able to give a supportive gesture. Anyway, I walked home after that with a big headache, got home almost an hour later (not a short walk lol), and made myself some ramen and had an apple w peanut butter for desert. My stomach has been in knots the last two days. I have always had bad IBS stuff, but I think its also related to both my maybe-cyst, and def my moms news.  Like I’ve said before, when it rains, it pours.  Feel free to send any kind words my way. Thanks for reading, if you took all that time to. Writing saves me. Goodnight, maybe.

#melanoma #skin cancer #journal #rant #ramble #ibs #grief #grieving #depression #myself #my mom #I love my mom #My mom is my god

[shammyb]

damn, I’ve fallen in love so hard with my FWB of the last almost 3 years. Finally gave him a love note today. Was received well. We went backpacking for 3 days a couple weeks ago on the PCT which was my first time and it was beautiful, and full of sights that can only be seen at that elevation/that far from civilization :) I don’t really believe in soul mates, but if there was such thing, I feel like he’s probably that? He’s been so patient with me, and shows me love that other people have said with words, but failed to follow with actions. My heart has been very very closed off for a while, and I finally have gotten to a place where I feel secure enough and healed enough to open it back up I guess. After giving him that letter this morning, we pretty much wrapped our bodies up with each other as much as two possibly physically can----all day with big smiles on our faces. Lowell is his name, and I think he’s a pretty fucking amazing human being in basically all senses of the word. I’m looking forward to continue moving through the world with him in it, getting to know him more and more intimately, and who knows, maybe raise a dog together a live somewhere off the grid closer to the mountains? Time will only tell :) 

#smitten #in love #love notes #about me #myself #love #on love #rants #rambles #journal

[shammyb]

Purr.in.ink