shy-the-schizophrenic

[shy-the-schizophrenic]

I didn't think I'd get this chance to tell you how I feel, because you blocked me.

[shy-the-schizophrenic]

Nope 2 issues. I'll explain.

Dishonesty: the lying about the cigarette. That was a big fight. The constant gaslighting and not in a funny way. You have used my shitty memory against me many times. Such as when you gaslight me, the fact that I can show you cold hard proof and you still stick to your guns, no matter what. I feel like you've only actually just been saying what you think I've wanted to hear to get me to stop either picking little fights or to avoid any further confrontation. Deleting messages between you and other women.

2. Disloyalty: Porn. The fact that you tricked me into being the man of my dreams by putting on a facade. You continue to lie and get infuriated when I don't believe your search history on the internet, and dates. The fact that from day one I don't get in relationships with people who watch porn. You've see the scars on my body. You knew, and you did it any ways. The fact that you weren't getting sex for a we days out of the week you ran to tinder and porn. Right there kris. That part is absolutely even more hurtful and terrifying. You had videos of me. Ones of you fucking me in the ass and I see you're super into that shit. But you chose not to get off to your beautiful girl. You'd rather jerk off to all these fake bitches in porn, how do I recover from you of all people choosing to do something so intimate at the thought of another woman besides your lover? You said ibwas the most beautiful girl in the world but yet when it came down to jacking off, you don't even bother using any of my porn I've made or we've made. You swear you don't watch thirst traps on Instagram. But your history shows your likes. Should I believe you over those too? Your finger slipped? You thought it was something different? No. It's none of those. It also shows me that when I'm not available, you're looking. The bathroom was a big fight. Because I had asked you for months to take it down. This goes into disloyalty because it's porn. And you tried to gaslight me by saying there was no porn at all on the walls. Just cute anime girls. Then I went to the bathroom and pointed at one on the ceiling of a girl eating another girl's pussy. Then tried to do it even more by saying there was only some "ALMOST HENTAI". I'm sorry. Since when did squirting stuff in big anime tits, and girls literally easing pussy. He refused for so long to say that it was porn. And the went on to say yeah the ceiling was the only place with hentai. I'm like no! My have kyphosis of the spine and I don't really look up to extent anymore. So I only saw what was on the walls. Then he's like oh well fine there were like 1 or 2 pics. Like this fucking dude. I'm so tired of this.

You tell me you want the fights to stop. I do too! But the ball is 100 percent in your court. Has been for a whole. The only thing I can do as my part is to not start fights is to not yell. But everything else is on you. The only subjects I've been bringing up and fighting over are related to disloyalty and dishonestly. I haven't asked you to change a damn bit of yourself beside wanting that name above your dick covered. You would hate it if whenever you saw my coochie, you saw my exs name.

[shy-the-schizophrenic]

I'm doing this. Something a woman never but always does. I want to talk to you calmly. Because how this conversation goes, determines if you truly are the man for me and whether or not you truly care for me on the level you say you do. By showing frustration at all during this conversation and being dismissive or unempathetic, you're choosing to leave this relationship with me behind. I'm going to try to talk to you as calmly as I can. So please, let's try not to interrupt eachother and hear eachother out. Because tonight will make or break us. I wanted to come to you before the inevitable happens. Women will cry and pour out souls out before the men we love. Over and over begging you to love us the way you loved us in the beginning. To be that man you promised us you will be. To change the very things that are detrimental to our relationship. We beg you to listen, to actually hear our words. And once we get to the point where we see the love of our life, not even care when we are breaking in front of them. When we get to the point our pain, means nothing to you but an annoyance and frustration. That right there, knowing your lover sees the absolute desperation and agony that has fallen upon our face, and feels nothing. The man who would have ran to me if I had fallen and scraped my knee, sees me at my absolute worst, knowing he's caused it and feels nothing. It kills your soul. Because how can this person not care? How can this person not feel empathy for the one person they swore they wanted to grow old with? I don't understand it.. Can you have this extremely difficult conversation with me? Can you be willing to step into my shoes and see the pain that I'm in? Can you show me empathy and reassure me? Because kris. You mean everything to me. And I'm 100 percent in this. I want you and only you forever. But i can't heal from this pain when you don't just give me the filull cold hard truth. More truths just keep trickling in and how am I supposed to heal? When I have the half truth? So please... this night. Give me the truth so I can heal from this because you're not just a guy. You're the first person to ever love me the way I love. And I'm fighting so hard to keep us going. I just want to give you this chance to just come clean and let me have the full truth so I can heal or I will never heal from this and we will never work. Please don't let this turn into a fight. This is my last effort at this. Whatever emptions I feel during and after this conversation are validated and I need you to validate me. They are reasonable feelings and I'm going to feel hurt. Don't dismiss my pain at all please. Please show me that you really do want to be with me and that you truly love me on another level than you've ever loved before. and are willing to fight for me while you still have me completely. I know you grew up in toxicity and maybe you don't see the manipulative actions you have because that was how you had to survive for so many years. But baby. You're not surviving with me. It's okay to accept you have those toxic behaviors you learned in order to survive because then you can change them. And that's changing fir the better. I don't blame you for what you learned because I have/had them too but I lost everyone I cared about when I failed to accept that I learned somethings wrong.

[shy-the-schizophrenic]

My Last Letter To You.

Kris,

I'm writing you this letter so I can have closure and say everything I need to say before I block you. I don't understand how you honestly can do this to me. To us. You were given another chance. You promised you wouldn't hurt me again. You wouldn't drink. And look at you. You can't help yourself anymore. And your piece of shit coworkers are just that. Pieces of shit. You lied to me. You blew off a night falling asleep with me to go get drunk with your coworkers. Your female coworkers. You lied. Once again. You can never be trusted, you've proven that to me. The one alcohol slip up, okay. But tonight? There was no reason. You chose alcohol over the beautiful love and life we could have had together. You told me to kill myself. Deny it all you want but I will never forget. You made fun of me for crying about you being with girls. You're a heartless man who spits venomous words at people he loves. Atleast tonight you didn't deny your love for me. Well kris. You killed my love for you. You proved to be like every other man in my life. You abused me. You're a drunk. It's disgusting. You're disgusting. I'm disgusted with you. I was disappointed, hurt, confused. No more. I know now that this is who you are. And who you are isn't deserving of me. I'm an amazing person. I've made mistakes but I'm a good person. I don't go out of my way to hurt people. I keep to myself. I continously work on my shortcomings. I saw a bright future for us. But now your future, I see it falling apart. You're going to lose your kids all over again and drink yourself into oblivion. Or you'll end up in jail. You're going to lose everything you've ever cared about just because you wanted to get drunk with some hot girls when you could have been with me. You think those girls are going to be there for you when you lose it all? No. Neither will I. I told you, you could come to me when you feel like drinking. When you felt low. Don't. I don't want any part of your life that you're choosing to ruin. I want nothing to do with you. You broke my heart for the last time. Only my ex fiance got that many chances. And I will not end up that girl I was with him. That will never be me. I should have seen your red flags. Your constant need to lie. How deep your alcoholism goes. I wish I did before I fell for you. But it's okay. Because you aren't feeling this right now like I am. And by the time you realize how low in life you are by losing me and choosing to go back to drinking, I will be fully over you and you won't even cross my mind. I will be free and you will be wracked in guilt and full of sorrow because your life will be empty all over again. And you can try to replace me. You never will. No girl will ever amount to me and the love I bore for you. I would have died for you. I would have done anything for you and you killed us. You killed my love and you will never revive it. I hope you feel every little bit of pain you've made me feel over the past couple months with your abuse when you wake up. I hope you realize what you've lost. Because it's absolutely too late. I'll tell you goodbye but you will never hear I love you. I won't give you that. You'll occupy my mind for a while. And it will kill me not to text you. But I'll be fine soon. I'll find joy in life again while you spiral downwards and for that I'm truly sorry. You don't deserve it. You have a kind heart but your demons have eaten you alive and it's so sad to see. This is why I never date addicts or alcoholics. Because I know one day they will relapse and I will have to watch them put their drug of choice ahead of me and everything they care about. I won't watch you waste away kris. I can't. I hope you get better. I don't see that happening at this point though. You don't want the help. You don't care about anything. You don't even love your children enough to stay away from alcohol. They deserve a better dad that and I deserve a better lover than you. Best wishes kris. Goodbye forever.

[shy-the-schizophrenic]

Should I Leave It All Behind?

I'm thinking about leaving my boyfriend. I love him, but I'm starting to get the ick. When I'm high around him now I have my "reality checks". That usually only happens if I'm high and find myself in uncomfortable or just not what I want "situations". I love him. I really do. He's an amazing man. He treats me the exact way I want to be treated. Looks wise? He's attractive, but not my normal type. So sometimes when I'm high he's just not attractive to me. I find myself splitting on him alot. Disliking him, finding myself feeling smothered. When he touches me or does anything sexual that I'd normally like, I cringe. But most times I'm completely infatuated and obsessed with him. This always happens when I find something that's good for me. I lose interest. I stop finding them sexually attractive. I have to fantasize during sex to finish. It sucks. I'm going to stick it out and try to get past this Hump I always find myself in. There's just so many reasons I want to break up with him. For one, my mom is moving to another state and if I stay I'll be all alone. She wants me to move out there with her. There's a whole new life out there waiting for me. My future with him is also a whole new life. I adore his dog Pooter Dooder. The cutest old man pibble. Only he doesn't get along with other dogs. Like at all. I want him to meet my roommates dog and come hang with me while my bf is working. Only he'd kill Molly. In an instant. So with him I can't get another dog until Pooter passes. He also lives on a tiny trailer. Which I don't judge at all. I grew up in a mobile home. But it's not what I want to live in. I have so much stuff, I like having a washer n dryer. I like specific things. I can't live in a trailer. I want more. That's not the life I invision for myself. I need to go with my mom. I can clean up my life. Get my license, work more, get my own dog, quit all the drugs. I gotta go restart. I need to. Almost everytime I do my ketamine therapy, my deep thoughts about life always come to the conclusion that this life path I'm on is leading to suicide. It's so well thought out too in those moments. It makes absolute perfect sense. It's really sad. I want to live. And it makes me so sad I have to leave him behind to get this new life. I gotta do it though.

#bpd #schizoaffective #schizo #schizophrenia #bipolar disorder #schizospeaking #actually schizophrenic #mental ill health #bipolar mania #schizoid #splitting #bpd splitting #split #ketamine therapy

[shy-the-schizophrenic]

#depression #memes

[shy-the-schizophrenic]

#bpd #schizoaffective #schizo #schizophrenia #bipolar disorder #schizospeaking #actually schizophrenic #bpd memes #dark memes #dark humor

[shy-the-schizophrenic]

Depression

You found your way back to me. I fought you off as hard as I could, yet you over powered me. I lost. I lost my confidence, my optimistic view, my will to keep going. I was doing so amazing. Yes I still made some poor choices but I was genuinely happy. I didn't know what it would be, but I saw a future. You took that from me. You took it all. All I can find the energy to do now is lay in bed, stuff my face and play with my phone. My friends keep asking to hang out but I don't have the social energy to leave the house. I feel like I'm losing myself. I'm getting older. Tried almost every medication there is to offer over the course of 13 years. They told me it's treatment resistant. So we tried ketamine therapy. It worked. I felt amazing. On top of the world. Till I wasn't. Because you're here.

[shy-the-schizophrenic]

I miss writing. Getting out my intense emotions, relating to other people. I felt safe here. Over the years I've written less and less because words and thoughts just didn't make sense the way they used to. I couldn't hold my focus and just sit here and write for as long as I used to. Every sentence I lost my train of thought. So I gave up. Writing was impossible. Everything was impossible. My mental illness took over my whole life. What's happened? Ketamine therapy. It does nothing for my depression. It did at first, but here I am. Depressed. But for my schizophrenia? Wow. You guys, my memory. I cried for years because it felt like I was onsetting dementia. I couldn't hold conversations, I lost my train of thought every 10 seconds and had to constantly ask what I was talking about. I couldn't keep track of ANYTHING. Everything was misplaced. I couldn't remember anything from my childhood or earlier years, but the memories flood in now at random times. I love this. My memory still isn't what it needs to be yet, but it's ok. During my ketamine treatments, I can think. I can process what is going on in my life and then just put it away. Something I've never been able to do before. My whole mindset has changed. I feel like me again. I begged to just find myself again. I finally have.

#schizoaffective #bpd #schizo #schizophrenia #bipolar disorder #schizospeaking #actually schizophrenic #mental ill health #bipolar mania #schizoid #ketamine treatment

[shy-the-schizophrenic]

Idealizing!!

Here we go. It happened today. Bpd kicked in. I'm idealizing him so hard. I've built the pedestal and placed him on it. I didn't think this would happen. Not this soon. This man has stolen my heart. He let's me be me. Just crazy old me. I don't have to change myself to be an acceptable girlfriend. I just love it here. I know I'm still single. We aren't together, but we're taking it slower. Relationship wise. We're still cup caking. It's cute. New chapter in my life. 🥰

[shy-the-schizophrenic]

I can have a life with him. I'm just not ready for it yet. I want it. Only I want to be single and have fun. He makes me happy though. Really happy. We can have a beautiful life. So what's stopping me? The need to have sex with other people? I kinda feel done with it.. over it. I don't wanna have random sex anymore. I want to have sex with him. He makes me feel so amazing. His touch, his kisses. I slept with my ex boyfriend last night. He was "the one". It was great but the only thing was he isn't him. I was all about my ex for a long time. Now I'm all about him. It's okay though. Moving on. We broke up because of my lifestyle. Now we're doing it the right way. Getting to know eachother. It's great. I'm trying to learn how to strip so I can be a traveling stripper and he'll be a traveling tattoo artist. I really want that. I want him. We broke up publicly though.. I wanna just be with him in hiding for a while. He offered me mfm 3somes when we have an established relationship. He can give me everything I want. I may just do that. Be with him on the low

[shy-the-schizophrenic]

#empath #bpd #quiet bpd #schizoaffective #schizo #schizophrenia #bipolar disorder #schizospeaking #actually schizophrenic #mental ill health #bipolar mania #schizoid #mental health blog

[shy-the-schizophrenic]

What have you done? You did the one thing you swore you'd never do to me, you did. Everything you said you'd never do, you did. You've gotten comfortable taking your anger out on me. I come to you broken hearted. Telling you every single day how much this breakup is killing me. Calling you out on lies only to have you gaslight me into thinking I'm the problem. Only for once I can say it's not me. I'm capable of loving someone so unconditionally and being completely loyal. It wasn't me who ruined us. It was you. You took something so pure and true and destroyed it without a second guess. You want to take it back, it was a moment of weakness. Yet you can't. You'll always be the man who cheated on me. The man who promised me the world and took it all away at the same time. You're a deceptive person. You think you're not but you are. Everything adds up yet you have such a way with wrapping me around your finger and getting me to believe everything you said. I don't believe you anymore. I don't believe IN you anymore. I've lost hope. I no longer want you. I can't want you. In a way you're abusive. You don't see it though. I do. My friends do. Everyone can see through the lies you tell except me. They all warned me about you and I didn't listen. You're not really a nice person. I'm happy you're in therapy because maybe you'll listen to the therapist when they tell you the things you're doing is manipulative, deceptive and cruel. How can you take a look at me and choose to hurt me. You know my past. You still don't care. You still think it's okay to belittle me, manipulate me and yell at me when you get angry. I'm the emotional punching bag you use for sex. No more though. I can't give you that access to me anymore. I gave you my heart. I loved you with every fiber of my being. I gave it my all while you gave me lies and anger. What happened to you? You used to be so great. So good to me. Look at us now. We were gonna have babies. Get married but you traded that for other women. Women who will never give you what I gave you. Women who can't even fathom the level of love I gave to you. Yet you still chose them over me. How? How could I not have been enough for you? What did I ever do to you to deserve the treatment I get from you? It's okay though. We're going our separate ways soon. I want to exchange our things, hug you one last time and then let go. I have to let you go. I love you with all my heart but it's time. It hurts so bad thinking about you no longer in my life. My heart is beating fast just writing this. Please do not deny me closure. If you have any ounce of love left for me you wouldn't do that. You'd help set me free. Please set me free from you. Having you in my life only causes pain. I can't keep crying over you. I can't. I'm tired of laying in bed sobbing relentlessly because I no longer have you. Seeing you adding all these girls on fb and instagram is torture. You'll deny it though. As if my eyes are the ones telling lies instead of you. And I'll believe you. This is why I can't love you anymore. I can't give you access to my life or my body anymore. I'm setting you free Kade. You're free of me. I hope the path you chose to take without me brings you happiness. I know I'll find happiness again too. I'm determined. Without you in my life, without the pictures and social media, you'll fade. I won't remember the good times, I won't remember you. I'll have the stuffies and my memories in my memory box. They'll keep your memory alive. For a while. This is what I need. To forget you. To forget the love we had. The beautiful relationship we had. Gone. Forever. But it's okay. I'll be okay. Eventually.

[shy-the-schizophrenic]

I can no longer do this. Let you have access to me. I can no longer keep you in my life. I thought I could. I thought I could regain trust for you. It will never happen. You cheated, lied, gaslighted me. You can never take that back. I love you, but not enough to keep you close anymore. I need to block you. Destroy all evidence that you existed. Without you on my social media, and the pictures of you, you will fade away. I probably won't remember you in a years time. You'll have left my mind and my heart. My heart no longer beats for you. You're no longer my reason to breathe. You're just a man. A man who lies and cheats. No matter what, that will never scrub off your skin. You were the best thing to happen to me. Until you weren't. You're a manipulative deceptive person and I no longer have space for you in my life

[shy-the-schizophrenic]

Treatment resistant Schizoaffective Disorder and The Spiral.

Oh my lord, what am I doing? Being off medication is really doing me in. I'm so manic and my doctors are aware. Still, I'm not on medication because my illness is treatment resistant. How do I keep it together while my brain disintegrates. Everyone has such high hopes for me but I've fallen into an old pattern that I broke the beginning of last year. How do I get out? How do I reach out when I don't really know if there is a solution or that my friends and family can help me. They just see me doing the same shit, I don't want to be though.. My brain has been hijacked and I'm fighting my hardest for control. I'm losing a battle I'm not meant to win. This heartache is driving me to do things I normally would yell at myself for and keep myself in check. Going to the psych ward does nothing. They'll just shove medication down my throat and if I refuse they won't release me. I've seen it too many times to people in there. And outpatient is so far. If I can get a ride to and from there I would go. I need help.

#schizophrenia #schizoaffective #schizoid #schizo #schizospeaking #actually schizophrenic #bipolar mania #bipolar disorder #mental ill health #mental health blog

[shy-the-schizophrenic]

I want you. You know I want you. Only I've decided us being together no longer works. I'm building a different life for myself. A relationship with you no longer suits me. I gave you your chance to prove to me that you won't hurt me. You cheated. I'll never forgive you for that. I know the hurt of losing you makes me want to forgive you but my brain will never forget. You broke my heart. I'll always love you, but you hurt me.

[shy-the-schizophrenic]

Should I really be trying to make it work with the man who cheated on me? I sound stupid. I know. I keep holding on to this thought that we are getting back together. We tell eachother we love eachother. And we have sex, kiss, cuddle. Do I need to give someone else the chance to prove to me not everyone will cheat or abandon me? Or do I hold on to the love that I had that was amazing but honestly can I even trust him ever again? My life is changing. I've opened myself up more sexually. I'm joining the kink community. I've met other guys. I'm moving in with another content creator and we're going to start working together. Life isn't going to go back to what it once was. Also honestly, I want to give polyamory a shot. Maybe I'm not a one guy kinda girl. I'm hoping that will curb this jealousy I feel in monogamous relationships. I think I need to give him up and give this new life a try. He had his chance. I know I wasn't perfect, but I never cheated.