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stormwhiskers · 6 years

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yknow the more jk rowlings world falls apart in america (race relations, international history, population, etc) the more i like to think that america just straight up doesnt have the statute of secrecy. european countries are falling over themselves hiding magic but come to georgia and theres a drunk redneck wizard wingardium leviosa-ing the shit out of a tractor to the delight of his drunk redneck muggle buddies in a walmart parking lot.

wizard on muggle violence is prevented by virtue of there being like a 50/50 chance that muggle is packing heat. muggle on wizard violence is prevented by knowing that wizard can give you boils spelling LIL BITCH on your forehead if you try to start something.

america is the weird redheaded stepchild of the magic world.

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stormwhiskers · 6 years

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bad

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stormwhiskers · 6 years

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stormwhiskers · 6 years

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(Looking at Pokémon cards)

8yo: “Will you trade me for my Pussyduck?”

6yo: “No thank you, I’ve already got a Pussyduck.”

Me: “Guys? Um. Somebody want to spell that one out for me?”

8yo: “P-S-Y-D-U-C-K. Pussyduck.”

Me: “I see. Well, we’re gonna go ahead and call that guy ‘SIGH-duck. SIGH-duck.”

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stormwhiskers · 6 years

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Just had a thought for an action hero thing: 30-something woman hero is doing her ass-kicking thing. One day, her boss shows up at her door, and tells her she has to stand down, or there will be consequences. “Honey, it’s not that you’re too old. It’s just the public don’t like to see a woman of your age saving the day. It feels emasculating”.

So woman is stripped of her support team, fellow agents, and is pretty much put on the shelf. She tries to do heroing, but keeps getting cockblocked by younger women or superhero men she used to work alongside.

Just when she’s hitting rock bottom (and sitting in her house wearing pyjamas and eating ice cream), there’s a knock at the door. Judi Dench is standing there, and our heroine assumes it’s a charity collection.

“Oh no, dear,” Dench says, smiling. “We’ve come to recruit you.”

“Recruit me? For what?”

“To do what we do best: save the bloody world.”

And all at once she’s part of a covert ops team made of all the older women who have been retired and who currently are holding the reins of managing the world.

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stormwhiskers · 6 years

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When you say you play D&D

What people hear: I’m a gigantic fucking nerd

What you’re actually saying: I’m a gigantic fucking nerd with at least 3 friends that tolerate my presence on a weekly basis

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stormwhiskers · 6 years

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me: [sees a cat] me: okay time for me to bother this animal

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stormwhiskers · 6 years

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Hats made from their own fur

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stormwhiskers · 6 years

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Update

I think Princess Zelda lost her pregnancy :( Or else she gave birth and killed the babies, which is particularly sad because Samus is the one who impregnated her. At any rate she isn’t pregnant anymore.

To recap for anyone who missed it, Samus was found dead behind the castle a couple of weeks ago. Link died not long after that, so it’s just been Zelda, Bayonetta, and Pikachu chilling out with some snails.

Of course, none of those three can impregnate each other so no one is pregnant or coupled off right now. Pikachu’s babies are growing well. There are six still living. There were seven, but one escaped and Bayonetta ate it.

Because of course these updates always have to involve someone eating someone else. *sigh*

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stormwhiskers · 6 years

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