stuffmypreschoolerssay
Stuff My Preschoolers Say
I work with toddlers, preschoolers, and pre-k kids. They say some of the WEIRDEST SHIT. Here I share some of that with you. Welcome!
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I'm helping out in a preschool room. The kids are at centers, so I sit down at a table where two kids are playing with toy animals. One boy shows me a toy orca with a missing flipper. (Uggghhhh, don't I wish the kids would stop breaking the toys...!)
Kid 1 (displaying orca): His other petal fell off!
Me: ...flipper, honey. Not petal, flipper.
Kid 2 (concerned): But where are the other two??
Me (confused): Other two what?
Kid 2: His back flippers! What happened to his back flippers?
(Okay, what in the heavens' names do you think an orca looks like??)
Me: He doesn't have "back flippers", sweetheart. He's got a tail. (pointing) These are his flippers, this is his fin, and this is his tail. No back flippers.
Kid 2 (almost freaking out): Okay, but does he have a belly???
Me: ...yes. It's right here.
I wasn't aware that orca anatomy was a source of such anxiety, but there you have it.
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Last week: I'm in a preschool (3s) class. One girl shows me the underside of a toy octopus.
Kid: Look, Miss [MyName]! He broke his vagina!
Me: o.O
Me: ...that's his beak, honey. That's where an octopus keeps his mouth! [strained smile, because I'm trying not to burst into hysterical laughter] Isn't that crazy?
Kid: Yeah! (skips off with octopus)
Me: (immediately tells every teacher I can get close enough to whisper to)
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"...yo"?
We are eating lunch in the preschool room. My program sometimes serves turkey ham, which is actually pretty good. A boy is still hungry.
Boy 1: Miss [Coworker], can I please have some more... chicken?
The entire class speaks up to correct him. The last thing I hear, from an adorable Chinese student?
Boy 2: It's turkey ham, yo!
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...my FEELINGS!
I was helping out in a toddler room yesterday just before pickup. I was singing Old McDonald with a two-year-old but putting his name in it instead. After going through the regular litany of animals, this happened.
Me: Little [KidName] had a farm, E-I-E-I-O! And on that farm he had a... Ms. [MyName], E-I-E-I-O!
(pause)
Me: ...what does a Ms. [MyName] say?
Kid: [thinks]
Kid: Moo!
Me: O.o
He proceeded to finish the song without me. But he's such a cutiepie that I couldn't be mad about it!
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We can only hope, sweetheart
Back on Election Day, I had asked my students if their parents had voted. I didn’t ask who they voted for (frankly I didn’t really want to know) but two of them volunteered the information anyway; one for Biden, one for Trump. The latter kid’s revelation didn’t surprise me at all for multiple reasons, not least of which is her nearly unbearable princesslike entitlement. She’s not a bad kid, she just doesn’t yet really understand that she can’t always have her way. We’re working on that.
Anyway, today I was showing them an app on my phone that shows you the phases of the moon. You can see what the moon is doing in the moment, or scroll forward to a specific phase to see when that will happen next, or scroll to a specific date to see what the moon was or will be doing then. I’ve just shown them the next full moon, and someone has a question:
Kid 1: When will the moon be half?
Me (scrolling): On January 20th! Do you guys know another important thing that is happening on the 20th?
[Silence]
Me: That’s when we’re getting our new president!
Kid 2: Joe Biden!
Me: Yup. He won the election, but he’s not officially the president until January 20th.
Princess kid: Yeah, and that’s when Trump is going to jail!
Me: [chokes on my water] [sputters for a moment] Who told you that?
Princess kid: My daddy.
I laughed for a good five minutes straight, then apologized for laughing (I honestly couldn’t stop myself) and gave her a big hug. Her mother thought it was hilarious at pickup. Apparently “Trump going to jail” has been the talk of her house for some weeks now.
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Turns out some of my kids watch Steven Universe, so of course it comes up in conversation.
Me: Steven doesn't have a weapon, though. [about to explain about the shield]
Kid: Yeah, but he has a lid, like Captain America!
A lid. Like Captain America. I have been laughing about this all week. Yesterday I had to explain to the same kid that a "hair hat" is called a wig...
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I understand that elections are very exciting for little children; I still remember being four years old and in kindergarten, my teacher asking if I was going to vote for Reagan or Mondale (I said Mondale, because I thought it sounded nicer. I guess even four-year-old me had some sense, considering trickle-down economics and the AIDS crisis. My parents didn’t talk to me about this sort of thing; I was going off the sounds of the names alone).
Anyway, it’s just under four years ago. I’ve come in to work very depressed (and frankly terrified) post-election. The preschoolers are just getting up from their nap. I have a pair of Russian twins in my class, and as she makes up her bed, one of them starts chatting excitedly with me.
Twin: Miss [My Name]! We’re going to have a new president!
Me: ...I know.
Twin: It’s Donald Trump!
Me: ...I know.
Twin: And he’s gonna build a wall for us to keep the scary guys out! My daddy told me that.
Me: ...okay.
I had to get up and walk away. My heart was breaking. What do you say to a three-year-old child? Nothing, that’s what. You let her be excited.
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From the mouths of babes
It’s around four years ago and the first presidential debates have just happened. One of my three-year-olds was apparently allowed to stay up to watch it. She proceeds to lecture us about it after naptime. She still has a little trouble with the “tr-” sound.
Kid: Donald Shrump is not nice to girls.
My head teacher and I just stare at each other, both trying not to laugh.
Head Teacher: Well... she’s not wrong.
Frankly I would have voted for this particular 3-year-old before Donald Trump. She’s smart and sensible and kind. She’s seven now and I can totally envision her at a summit at the UN: “You have to share!”
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All Creatures Great And Small
It’s the third day back to in-person school for me. I have been changed from being a floater (helping out in every classroom where needed) to officially belonging to the Pre-K class. I am over the moon about this.
The kids playing in kitchen area are throwing a plastic bug around and screaming (because bugs are scary I guess?) I have spoken to them multiple times about inside voices.
Kid 1: Miss [My Name]! Miss [My Name]! There’s a real bug! Come look!
Me: What?
Kid 1: There’s a REAL BUG!
I walk over. There’s a spider. I am TERRIFIED of spiders, but I don’t want to encourage bug-killing, because some kids get way too into it. I grab a plastic cup and manage to trap the spider. I have to keep shooing the kids away because they insist on getting close enough to kick me in the face, or worse, free the spider.
Me: I don’t want to kill the spider, it wasn’t bothering anyone. Did it hurt you? Or you? Or me?
Kids: Nooooo.
Me: Okay, so we’re going to let it go. Someone bring me a paper.
Kid 2 brings me some wadded-up paper towel.
Me: No, like a drawing paper.
Kid 3 brings me a sheet of paper. As I start to try and slide the paper between the mouth of the cup and the floor:
Kid 2: Miss [My Name]? God made all the piders.
My Pagan self: ...yes. Yes he did. Let’s let him go out the window, okay?
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I love kmy ids.
This one is a little old, but it came up on my Facebook, so I thought I’d share it.
On the playground:
Kid (running up to me after a potty trip): Miss [My Name]! There's a screepy pider in the hallway!
Me: ..."a screepy pider"?
Kid: [nods breathlessly]
Me: A screepy pider. Okay. [walks away trying not to laugh]
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Well, you’re not *wrong*...
(This is actually from some years ago; I had posted it to my Facebook and thought it deserved to be here.)
Yesterday at circle time, my class was discussing words that start with Q, which is this week's letter:
Me: If I say "Shhhh!", that means I want you to be...?
Class: QUIET!
Me: And if you're a lady who's married to a king, that makes you...?
Class: A QUEEN!
Me: And if you want to know something, you ask a...?
Kid: TEACHER!
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...didn’t mean to scare you, miss
This actually happened several years ago, and it didn’t happen in school, but I was reminded of it today, and I think it’s cute.
* * * * * * * * * *
Brief exchange at the salon between me and the lady doing wonderful things to my hair:
Me, THRILLED: Oh my god, my kids aren't going to recognize me!
Lady: Oh? How many kids do you have?
Me: Eighteen.
[Beat]
Me: In my CLASS. Kids in my CLASS.
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Okay, that’s just as good
Chillin in the classroom...
Me: I'm the queen of Wakanda!
Kid 1: You can't be the queen of Wakanda!
Me: Why not? I can be a queen if I want.
Kid 2: ...but you're our Miss [My Name] so you have to stay here.
Me: ::melts::
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I'm helping out in a different classroom than usual today. One of my little friends in this class is, shall we say, particularly difficult. He is Kid 1. Also, we spell out words we don't want the kids to hear.
Kid 1: I'm going to be a big brother!
Me: Really?
Coworker: Yup.
Me: (to Coworker) I P-I-T-Y that baby...
Kid 2: Me too!
(I burst into uncontrollable laughter.)
Kid 2: I'm gonna be a brother too!
Me: (calming down) Oh, okay, that's great!
I guess Kid 2 just had really interesting timing...
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There are two games my preschool and pre-k kids love to play with me: the sleeping game, where I pretend to sleep and then they tell "wake up!" and I pretend to be scared, and the game where they call me by the wrong teacher's name so I respond with the wrong kid's name.
Kid: Miss [Head Teacher]! Miss [Head Teacher]! Miss [Head Teacher]!
(I drop my head to one side and close my eyes.)
Kid: Wake up!
Me: (eyes still shut) Miss [Head Teacher] doesn't play the wake-up game!
Kid: Miss [My Name], wake up!
(I "startle awake" and he laughs.)
Kid: Miss [Head Teacher]! Miss [Head Teacher]! Miss [Head Teacher]!
(I drop my head and shut my eyes again. [Kid] turns to the kid behind him.)
Kid: Well, looks like she's dead!
(My eyes pop open.)
Me: ...did you just say "looks like she's dead"?
Kid: (nods uncertainly)
Me: Sweetie, I'm not mad and you're not in trouble, but maybe don't go around saying that?
(I had to step out to laugh!)
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Overheard during some sort of weird tag game, on the playground:
Kid: DID YOU JUST TOUCH MY BACK, YOU MONSTER?
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The only superhero shirts I wear to work are three Black Panther shirts. (I got banned from wearing my Sailor Moon shirt at work, but that's another story.) Most of my kids are aware of the Avengers despite their youth. And the other day, this happens:
Kid 1: Miss [My Name], what's on your shirt?
(I move my lanyard out of the way so the full-body image of Black Panther is completely visible.)
Me: You know who this is! Who's on my shirt?
(Pause)
Kid 2: ...a bear?
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