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romanianwilkinson · 3 years

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LESS IS MORGUE SENTENCE STARTERS

A collection of quotes from the podcast Less is Morgue, episodes 101 and 102. Feel free to change pronouns/wording as desired. CONTENT WARNING(S) FOR: Crude, gore, cannibalism, drugs, death.

“ Oh my gosh, so they can hear me? ”

“ Hey! How is everybody doing? What's Earth been like since I died!? ”

“ Do people still say “Cool beans”? ”

“ In 2012, a Florida man died after consuming two-dozen live roaches in a competition - this is fifteen fewer than my personal best. ”

“ Let’s keep this tight, the pizza guy will be here any minute now. ”

“ What toppings did you get this time? ”

“ We need to get to some kind of point, or the reviews are gonna tear us a new one! ”

“ I apologize for being the first person to diss Nickelback. ”

“ At least they played it as you were lowered into the grave, in front of all your friends and loved ones. That must’ve been cathartic. ”

“ You were already in the afterlife at that point, right? ”

“ Well, I filled out my paperwork for sixteen years. ”

“ Every time you tell me this, I just can’t imagine an amount of paperwork that would take sixteen years. ”

“ Oh, I could ace that. I remember everything. ”

“ On this day, five years ago, I ate two dead rats and half a pound of Chef Boyardee’s canned unicorn meat. ”

“ [NAME], you know I eat way more than eight spiders a year. ”

“ I ate her corpse out of her grave. ”

“ To be fair, I had no idea that being eaten by a ghoul would mean that my sixteen years of paperwork would be for nothing. It’s okay though, I still had seven years left to go. ”

“ Why did you eat my body, anyway? ”

“ In hindsight, the gaping wounds probably would have been easier to manage than this. ”

“ I don’t want the deep state to know any of those things about me. ”

“ Personally, I think the rules of this whole haunting thing are nebulous bullshit. ”

“ That’s like asking who’s a better blind date than Jeffrey Dahmer. The answer being: literally anyone but Jeffrey Dahmer. ”

“ [NAME]! [NAME]! Stop! You’re killing the pizza man! ”

“ There’s blood everywhere, [NAME]! Jesus! Why did you do that!? ”

“ He entered my space without warning me! It was self-defense! ”

“ No, no. I think the rules are different when “eaten by ghoul” is the cause of death. He’s probably in the great DMV in the sky already. ”

“ That - in addition to my hefty child support bills - is why I’m shilling Agamemnon Condoms, the only brand willing to overlook my many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many transgressions. ”

“ No, but these are probably the kinds of questions you should ask yourself BEFORE killing random people. ”

“ It’s not ridiculous! You just have to remember not to murder everyone so hard when you meet them! ”

“ Name five people you know that aren’t dead. Family don't count. ”

“ Come on! This is the one thing we didn't want to happen! ”

“ Please don't undermine me in front of the dead pizza guy. ”

“ I physically can't stop anything, which is something you're probably gonna understand soon. ”

“ We used to call it Hell, but the underworld is a little more tourist-friendly. ”

“ Well, [NAME], me and my associates have been crunching the numbers regarding the fate of your immortal soul, and you, my friend, are Hellbound. ”

“ Okay so, just last week you illegally downloaded three movies that are still in theatres. ”

“ So you're sending me to hell...for piracy? ”

“ Now, come along, we just finished polishing the slide covered in razor blades. ”

“ I mean, it's better than literal Hell. ”

“ Wait, was that it? I’m not complaining, but I feel like you should have done more to torment us. ”

“ I think we should probably wrap this puppy up. We digressed, we forgot to plug our socials, we committed second degree murder - ”

“ So no demons, no murder, no digressing. ”

“ Do you have any idea how hard it is to scrub ghost audio out of a file? ”

“ In Tokyo, you can pay the Family Romance Corporation to imitate your friends, co-workers, and loved ones. Me? I do it for free. ”

“ Who told you about Instagram? Wait, doesn't matter. ”

“ Only we could go from having too many guests to not enough guests in the span of a minute. ”

“ This jerk can’t even see me, [NAME]! ”

“ As a soothsayer, I can say the sooth, the whole sooth, and nothing but the sooth. ”

“ A witch will take your bones. ”

“ Beware the ukulele. Nothing good will come of it. ”

“ I was just getting to that! Point is, I heard tell that this basement is haunted. ”

“ Don’t mock me with your pity. ”

“ He literally doesn’t know...anything. It’s almost impressive. ”

“ Fuck this, I can’t die now, think of my investments! ”

“ I’m living in the real world - and that means avoiding disappointment by having subterranean expectations! ”

“ I feel like maybe you’re just used to people treating you badly so you always assume the worst. Sometimes, good things just happen. ”

“ Sorry I’m late. A Shoggoth was blocking Oak Street so I had to take the long way round. ”

“ You didn't tell me he was a zombie! ” “ I thought it was implied, with the whole "brains" thing. ”

“ So anyway, one day they brought in this rare Sumatran Rat Monkey that some collector wanted to buy, but the little bastard got loose and just ate my face off my skull. ”

“ Should have been expected, really - the mortality rate for employees at that PetSmart is super high, especially after they started selling those flesh-eating scarab beetles and the goldfish that can control your thoughts. ”

“ Overworked? Underappreciated? Harboring a dark soul full of terrible secrets? Then go to Hell! Literally! ”

“ You know, people are always saying that the wages of sin is death, but who can afford to die in this economy? ”

“ You like it hot? We’ll literally boil your fucking skin off. You like dogs? Ours have three heads! That’s triple the dog! ”

“ You may or may not have the time of your life! ”

“ I think I’ve got a family of dead opossums in the freezer to tide me over… ”

“ You barely even look dead, honestly! ”

“ Did you know there are whole twitter accounts that just have pictures of dogs? I hadn't seen a dog in sixteen years, then boom, dogs everywhere! ”

“ Dogs driving cars - can you believe that? Can you believe that there's a dog out there that can drive? I mean, how did the dogs learn how to drive? Is there a doggy driving school? I bet every dog that goes to driving school just aces it, because dogs are good at everything. ”

“ I am a mistake of nature, a mad beast. ”

“ STOP EATING OUR GUESTS! ”

“ Stop invoking fate to excuse your mistakes! ” “ It’s my right as an American! ”

“ That’s no excuse, I’ve been dead for over ten years, and I’m here! ”

“ So she likes to indulge in a little of the devil’s lettuce… Or even a lot of the devil’s lettuce, who are we to judge? ”

“ I can do a really awesome metal scream. ”

“ Are you speaking to the goat again? ”

“ Goats are pretty cool, I guess. But also not real. ”

“ I wouldn't make a habit of doing this. It’s kinda creepy. ”

“ Sorry, sorry, I haven’t used a body in sixteen years, I'm a little rusty. ”

“ Just don't break it. I don't need anymore ghosts in here. ”

“ I don't think I could have possessed her for much longer. It’s not a good feeling. ”

“ What I’d give to live in your world, [NAME], it always sounds so much nicer than mine. ”

“ Don’t make me call an exorcist, [NAME]… ”

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