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#Daughter

Fat’ is usually the first insult a girl throws at another girl when she wants to hurt her.

I mean, is ‘fat’ really the worst thing a human being can be? Is ‘fat’ worse than ‘vindictive’, ‘jealous’, ‘shallow’, ‘vain’, ‘boring’ or ‘cruel’? Not to me; but then, you might retort, what do I know about the pressure to be skinny? I’m not in the business of being judged on my looks, what with being a writer and earning my living by using my brain…

I went to the British Book Awards that evening. After the award ceremony I bumped into a woman I hadn’t seen for nearly three years. The first thing she said to me? ‘You’ve lost a lot of weight since the last time I saw you!’

‘Well,’ I said, slightly nonplussed, ‘the last time you saw me I’d just had a baby.’

What I felt like saying was, ‘I’ve produced my third child and my sixth novel since I last saw you. Aren’t either of those things more important, more interesting, than my size?’ But no – my waist looked smaller! Forget the kid and the book: finally, something to celebrate!

I’ve got two daughters who will have to make their way in this skinny-obsessed world, and it worries me, because I don’t want them to be empty-headed, self-obsessed, emaciated clones; I’d rather they were independent, interesting, idealistic, kind, opinionated, original, funny – a thousand things, before ‘thin’. And frankly, I’d rather they didn’t give a gust of stinking chihuahua flatulence whether the woman standing next to them has fleshier knees than they do. Let my girls be Hermiones, rather than Pansy Parkinsons.

J.K. Rowling

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You gave me life unto this world to then desert me in a world of my own. Always shipping me off to somewhere or someone, never really bringing me home. All I ever wanted was to be loved for the person that I am…with all my faults and imperfections but you still failed to open your unconditional love to me. Despite this I still tried to please you while fighting my own battles of hurt from my childhood. 

Did you ever take the time to really get to know me? No, but I fought my way through life, fell down hard and still managed to get up as a better and stronger person. The person that I am today!

Even if we are no longer with each other, I thank you for giving me life to this world and for the learning phases which we both needed to go through to find our place on this Earth.

May you find peace within…

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My sister-in-law asked me yesterday if I feel I have changed since I had my baby. I don’t know whether the question is weird or I just didn’t know what to tell her. She has 4 kids so I guess she knows better.

But I don’t feel like I have changed actually. I’m always the same socially awkward woman, with dreams and hopes. I want to spend time in the morning with my coffee. Journaling and writing. I want to cuddle my husband in the evening and drink a glass of wine with my family. I want to go back to work as soon as possible.

I’m not gonna lie and say that I discovered unconditional love with my baby. I feel unconditional love for other people too.

Yes, I intend to love and protect my daughter at any cost. But I think it’s just an extension of who I was before. Who I am now.

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Ecco cosa succede dopo l'ennesimo mentalbreakdown…

La voce distrutta e le parole mangiate.

Scusate per lo schifo, ma mi andava…



Shadows settle on the place, that you left


Our minds are troubled by the emptiness


Destroy the middle, it’s a waste of time


From the perfect start, to the finish line


And if you’re still breathing, you’re the lucky ones


‘Cause most of us are heaving through corrupted lungs


Setting fire to our insides for fun


Collecting names of the lovers that went wrong


The lovers that went wrong

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Alexina watched her daughter sleep, tucked safely in the crib that lay next to her bed.  Shirina Thorne had been born a week early, tiny and small. A dark mop of hair covered her head, everything seemed so perfect about her. How could lies and pain have created something so innocent? The birth had been easier then Alexina would have thought. 

Labor had gone on for nearly ten hours. At 4:30 in the morning,  Shirina was welcomed into the world at  5 lbs., 8 oz. (2.5 kg)18.1 in. (46 cm). Alexina wanted her close by at all times, never letting her daughter out of her sight. Still, on bed rest for another day or so, Alexina spent most of the hours bonding with Shirina. 

Word had reached her about the birth of her sister’s little boy. Two weeks before his own due day. As much as she wanted to reconnect with Ven, to allow her sister to meet Shirina. It would be another month before she took her daughter out of the house. 

Troubled thoughts plagued her mind though. How would Ven react to seeing her daughter? Would she become upset? Would she recent Shirina because of who her father was? Though those thoughts always got pushed away quickly, because Alexina knew that because Ven was a mother, that she would welcome her into the family. Or so she hoped. 

“Sleep my little Sea Angel,” she whispered close to Shirina’s sleeping face, before placing a soft kiss upon her cheek. Shirina’s little hand quickly latched on to Alexina’s finger, and soon her mother joined her in sleep. 

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@venreenaholt

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