#I WISH I COULD AFFORD LIVING BY MYSELF

[0dotexe]

I've been getting a slew of videos recced to me about "not spending money for 30 days" from people who are so obviously well off and it just gives me the ick. Yes hyper-consumerism is something that people can easily fall into but I'd rather see content about buying food on a budget than a desperately privileged instagram girlies "giving up" money for a month.

These type of videos are giving me massive thrift haul vibes, which is a whole other beast in and of itself. But the idea acting like poor people to make it cute and consumable content just makes me want to barf.

#exe talkz #normal mode #consumerism #poverty #eat the rich #consumer culture #thrifting #haul culture #hyper consumerism #'I have to give up money so I can find myself' - girl you live in a cushy apartment in California and have everything you could ever need #I wish that was me but we can barely afford food for ourselves right now #Some of ya'll never lived off of $50 a month and it shows #If you want a good recc - atomicshrimp on youtube makes videos about meals on super small budgets

[skunkg1rll]

🦨

#ughhh someone pointed out the atrocity in my face. i hate thatfeature of me so bad #and now i cant stop thinking about it and i hate myself and my face and i got bad feelings #because throughout my entire life i've been so bullied for it #i feel so ugly ugh!!!!!! i am ugly i wanna cry who could ever love me when i look like this skksksks #the worst abt having a face deformity is that it is on your FACE!!!!! i cant hide it #it's out there for everyone to see #and i cant remove it. i can get plastic surgery etc but i cant afford that at all now. maybe when i have a job :((( #and it really is so big in my brain. i notice it constantly #i cant look at other ppl without checking their chins to see if it's smooth or not #and most ppl have normal chins. pretty much everyone has a normal chin!!!! #i wish i was normal too. i hate looking like this i hate it so bad #it is so unfair that i gotta be stuck w this ugly fkn feature but everyone else gets to look normal #so unfair so unfair it makes me so angry #why did i get the worst genes ever i cant stand having to live my life being this grotesquely ugly #anyway.... i try to suppress it nd not think abt it but earlier today someone made a comment abt it #nd now i just wnna cry because it is soooooooo ugly and i hate it #besides yeah it made me rmbr my school years bc ppl were sofkn mean to me abt it #like im sorry i know im ugly wtf do u want me to do?!?!

[francisforever2014]

you should be able to pay reduced price to see one singular song in concert

#FOR EXAMPLE . i am not paying 10000 dollars or whatever to see hozier in phoenix #but if i could pay like 30 to walk in . listen to shrike live . kill myself and then leave . oh i would do it in a heartbeat #i understand this is completely inconceivable and impossible logistically . i don’t care i should be allowed #been having a real shrike moment sorryyyyyy #like the way shit has been going lately if i was 10% more financially secure i would def pay for tickets #but i’m not so i wish i could pay partially :( just one song plssss #i would add an extra 10 dollars to get to stay for nobody too. okay i think i just want to be able to afford tickets 😭

[desperatepleasures]

trying not to think about it but also i need to figure out what im gonna do with my hermit crabs and it's not like. urgent but at some point im gonna have to figure out how to change out their substrate and also there's a solid chance i'll have to rehome them someday :(

#(not rehoming them anytime soon but i wanna mentally prepare myself a little for when that day comes) #anyway re: substrate change. this is a 45gal tank filled with ~50lbs of sand etc. and i live in a 4th floor walkup #playsand comes in 25lb bags which i am not physically capable of carrying up 3 flights of stairs. my ex had to do it when we moved here #maybe i can like. hire someone to carry it up the stairs??? #but then i have to figure out how to dispose of their current substrate which again. LOTS of sand. #i could probably board them at work for a week or so in a smaller tank while i do the changeout #idk man it's just like. a lot #i feel bad their tank is so fucked and it's like. i can't physically fix the problem!!! #and as far as rehoming like. idk if move out someday i really doubt im gonna wanna move the tank. #i guess it depends on what kinda living situation im going to #and eventually i'll have to move out. or my roommate will move out and i won't be able to afford the mortgage on my own #and still have to move out lol #anyway again none of this is happening soon i just need to accept the reality of the situation #and like am i really gonna go through the nightmare logistics of a substrate change only to rehome them soon after? #but on the same token. am i really gonna give someone a nasty-ass tank? lmao #so. idk. i gotta think on that one. #i just feel bad for them i mean they have a fairly good quality of life #especially considering what most hermit crabs suffer lmao #but. i wish i could do better for them #i could probably find someone to take them at least because of my job lol #the logistics will suck no matter what and also i love those little guys and i'm getting sad just thinking about it :( #but they're only gonna get bigger and i definitely can't upgrade their tank in my current living situation #so either way something has to give ya know?

[vanillabat99]

I went to the dentist today (it went fine) and while my mom was at reception, I overheard the cost of my appointment. My parents don't tell me the numbers because they don't want me to feel guilty, but I do feel guilty about it. Both of my parents have jobs and things were finally starting to get better financially for us, and now I feel like I'm making them throw all of that away.

They have to take so much time off work to take me to appointments, they have to pay for everything, they worry about me, and I can't even wash my own hair. I know they will always love me, and they have made it very clear I can stay at home as long as I need. I just feel like I'm not doing enough, or anything really.

#it was just a routine check. nothing wild. but it was over 400 dollars ._. #and my medications are expensive too :( and i dont even take everything im supposed to 😭 #idk. i had a pretty good day today. its just that (lack of) insurance is getting scary ._. #i wish i could take care of myself but the best i can do is so infrequent. #and i dont qualify for home care because i live with my family. #and my handicap parking pass expired last month and i forgot to ask for a renewal. #and i still need to see my therapist more often but i CANNOT afford it and i just. ugh. :( #things are fine financially like its not a crisis or anything. its just. #we're back to small grocery trips and half tanks of gas. and those are small things but its a step back. #we still cant replace the washing machine even though its shaking itself apart. #and the dining room floor is falling apart. #i think i just need to sleep. its 7am. hopefully i feel better in the morning. #batty blogging #text

[cryolyst]

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#they speak! #ignore this #my coworker needs to move out and i can't tell if he was mostly joking or completely serious but he asked if i wanted to rent a place w him #and it's so tempting it's. so fucking tempting i want to move out so bad #and especially on days like today where i have to listen to my parents fail to communicate without getting loud and angry #like i feel so awful. i'm 22 and i still have to hide in my room and try not to cry. i can't live like this anymore. #and it feels so hopeless because what else can i do? fuck up my health even more by working more hours? #so i can afford renting a tiny place? when i'm already so unwell and struggling to take care of myself?? #and i know i'm not at a place to cut my parents out of my life so i'd have to endure all the judgement they'll have about who i room with #and i know know know no matter who i room with there'll be judgement. because i can't even talk to friends casually without it lol #not to overshare on main but i was omw to work on friday and almost cried at the bus station #because i was thinking about how i never really had an adult in my life that really truly loved and nurtured me #like yeah i had teachers and later in my teens some community members that supported me and were positive influences with positive impacts #and as much as i am hurt by my parents they still very much cared for me and shaped me as a person. both for better and for worse. #and yeah be the adult that is there for yourself now and all that but. #i can never change the fact that there wasn't someone that was there. and i wish i could stop mourning but it's hard. it's so hard. #and one day it will get easier but for now i just have to endure it. i guess. hahaha. :)

[chaotictomtom]

trying to check out to see if i'll ever manage to get top surgery this year and. let's just say i thought the delay would be bigger but. the price is still always such a big ass problem i kinda wanna bash my head against a wall but. anyway

#living with 600/month and having no idea if i'll ever get a job after this semi-work that ends in march but. oh well!!! #already tried to calculate if i could ever save any money from the little time i get to work there but!!! only make me wanna cry #im afraid this will be another year w/o top surgery 😀 dying in the summer and wishing to rip my skin off. w/o the hope i'll at least #get a date some day. cos at this rate i have absolutely no hope ngl. #the whole organisation to get to one of the potential surgeon 2h away is already making me want to explode #i have absolutely no idea how i'll ever be able to pull this off. ever. i don't even know if we'll be able to stay in this flat by the end #of our contracts. so. yeah #i can't see past 4 months away how can i think i'll ever be able to start this thing going. trying to but i stay silly ing the situation but #!!!!! im so desperate i feel so drained and exhausted. the mere idea of summer makes me wanna kms i'm dreading going through it another year #smh. #absolutely no one gives a shit i shouldn't vent in da tags for the 1 day of the yea #but im suddenly hit with an enormous wave of despair that i know won't go away cos it's always on my mind #and seeing the facts once again that i'll prob never be able to afford it is not helpiiiinh #yes i live in france no not everything is paid by healthcare cos it's still considered as non vital </3333 #dental/ear/teeth problems started to get fully refundable (on specific little things) only a few years ago #so we're like decades of getting top surgery refunded 100% im afraid</3 #i shouldn't complain but then again what's the use of cool healthcare if we can't ever have access to a doctor. of any kind. #smh smh smh #rent over I'm sick of myself i'll shut up sorry

[robotpussy]

so many mutuals in need and i have 0 money

#i myself can barely afford to eat but i have mutuals on the verge of homelessness I HATE THIS WORLD!!!!! #i hate seeing so many of u suffer i wish i could rob one of these billionaires so we could all live comfortably

[jocelynships]

I’m trying not to let my bad feelings take over rn but hoo boy I am. Really angry/upset/sad/whatever at everything right now

#Joce.vent #anyways I feel really angry and jealous right now and I hate that I feel that way #I’m angry bc my stepsiblings get all the attention from my parents and they live in completely different fucking states #I’m angry I took this job bc it’s not working out and I regret leaving my last job so much #and I’m jealous of all my friends who got to go back to Disney after they reopened #and I couldn’t because my parents wouldn’t let me a get a car #I’m not angry at them but I do wish I was with them all again #I’m angry my parents held me back so much and continue to hold me back #and now that I can drive I can’t even put an application in because I can’t fucking quality for anything #if they could just fucking open up custodial I could at least get an application in #Universal keeps rejecting me and I don’t fucking understand why #and why the fuck did the two cunts who harassed me and spread lies about me get to go back? #why did they have good things happen to them? #I’m also desperate to get away from my family and I want nothing to do with them #I need a break from everything but I can’t afford to take one #I think if I can get a job at Disney I’m gonna have it where I take a break between this job and that one #just like. a week #so I can gather myself up and be ready #but god. I need something different now and nothing is available

[zarovich]

even tho i am covered in so much scar tissue, it never feels like it's enough

#personal #gonna talk about self harm in tags. not in graphic detail obv but heed the warning #i often wish i lived alone so i could self destruct fully but i cant do that. cant afford it plus i wouldnt be allowed to #i know in the eyes of others my scars are already bad.ppl often tell me so. but im not satisfied with them they need to be worse imo #idk. i dont hate myself for being like this or anything but i know its not normal to want to completely destroy yourself. im not normal #and it sucks cuz no one gets it. i cant talk about it or i will get punished. i will get locked away and become a project to fix again #there have been times recently ive needed stitches but i dont get them cuz i know what will happen if i do #i get why ppl get concerned sure but that doesnt change that i enjoy it. i enjoy having control destroying myself #idk how many ppl understand this cuz most ppl i know sh for various other reasons but at times i feel as if im alone in this #right anyways. sorry about that i prefer to just yell shit out into nothing cuz ill feel like an ass venting directly to someone #always feel like im being manipulative or trauma dumping etc. im being melodramatic i know

[fakeoutbf]

.

#okay so i’m gonna throw myself a little pity party so skip these post if you don’t wanna know #first off: i should’ve moved for college #like i really fucking should’ve #like i know why i didn’t and i’m sure if i had make a decision again it would make sense to pick the same #but idk if i’d known that i could’ve gotten into a foreign university and somehow impressed them enough to get a scholarship then i would’ve #gone no question asked no second guessing literally nothing #and i’m not saying i didn’t like my college experience or whatever but fuck i’m so tired of living so far away from everything in a place #where i know i’ll never make a lot of money doing what i studied to do #and i know that i can change careers and i’m not forced to follow one path or whatever but fuck it’s so scary to think of the possibilities #i get so anxious just considering picking something else now bc i already wasted 6 ish years of my life in this and i’d have to start again #idk whatever point is i wish i lived somewhere else so i’d hopefully have better living conditions and so that i could go to more concerts #y’all music is such a big part of my life and it doesn’t look like it but it is and i’ll explain more in post 2 but #i missed so many concerts this summer bc i live in bum fuck nowhere and no one comes here (and the artists i like don’t even come to the big #city near me rip) and i’m just forced to see them announce tour dates to places close ish by but that i could never afford and i just #i wish i could go and i wish i had friends to go with and i wish i’d moved and i wish my life wasn’t so lonely and pathetic and sucked

[wormchaser]

i am fat white trash, nursing my cavities while surrounded by my own filth. i sit with my belly out, wearing my shitty black vans t shirt, and i collect crumbs on my chest. my hairy arms lead to hairy hands and to thick, stubby fingers which reach out to a TV remote and change the channel to something broadcasting dirt racing. i parade my neon-painted replica stock-car pieces when i invite you into my “man cave” (dirty, disgusting garage or shed which reeks of cheap beer and lingering body odour). i am short, and ugly, and i smell, and my skin is dotted with acne. my body is stout and built for starvation which will never reach me. my arms shake when i take too much of the medicine i stole from my mom which she stole from someone else. my dad doesn’t love me and i fucking hate him. i am fat white trash, nursing my cavities, in my filthy den, and do you love me anyway? or do you want to beat the shit out of me in a parking lot for being a “poser”?

#im so out of my mind #idk what this even is #but i have a lot of feelings about the phrase white trash #and what it means for me #a poor pakeha living in a pretty rich part of the country. #i have always felt ashamed of being poor. #that sunds so fucking cheesy oh my god #lmfao #but i am always ashamed when i have to ask my friends if they can cover like #bus fares or whatever #and i cringe whenever they preface an invite with an invitation for them to pay for me #like fuck i wish that wasnt even a thing . i wish i wasnt poor and i wish i could afford nice thing #s #like doing to see a movie with my friends #but whatever #i have to label myself white trash before someone else labels me that and i have to #i have to adopt this label to protect myself from having it used against me #and dont even let me get into my feelings about my heritage #it really upsets me to think about #because of a series of unfortunate events i will never have any connection to romani culture #and it sucks because thats something i want to take part in and i dont want to lose #but i never even had it in the first place? #anyway i digress #i am fat and white and poor and white trash and ugly and my glasses are dirty #smiley face #:^)

[ohbutwheresyourheart]

.

#i just want it to be okay #i just want some glimmer of actual hope in the midst of the shitshow i call my life #because right now i can't see how i'm ever going to get to a life worth living #never gonna afford property #never going to be able to afford to do jack shit period #everyone i know talks about travelling and settling down and making lives with their partners #and i'm just here drowning and drowning and FUCKING DROWNING #i will never be good enough #i will never amount to anything #and i wish to god i could just kill myself and be done with it #i'm so. so. sick. of everything. #i keep trying. i promise i do. but it doesn't work. #and i feel like the fact nobody can give me any hope #just proves there's no point left in trying #i want it to be over #i want to be done #i want to rest

[artificial-condition]

I deserve to live in an environment that does not make me stressed or fearful or feel like there’s something wrong with me

I deserve to live in an environment that I feel calm and safe in, that I have control over and can adjust without contemplating the repercussions

#my thoughts #to be clear I’m not in any danger #I’m fine #just anxious #and I think living by myself would make me much less anxious #it’s been a long day #I know not to wish the present away thinking about the future #but I desire a house #I’m ready emotionally #but not financially #and I probably could move into an apartment #but I do not want to live in an apartment #I think I would not be happy #I would not have a place to garden in the way I desire #it’ll be a while until I can buy a house #many years #and housesitting was a taste of something I can’t have #:( #it’s not fair my parents could afford a house with only one source of income which was obtained from trade school #(not a particularly high income at the time of purchase) #but I have a bachelors and would not be able to afford a house on the pay from my job #it will be so much more of a struggle to get a house than they had and I will have gotten two degrees #more education yet lower wages to cost ratio #and I’m not saying that they shouldn’t have been able to afford a house #I’m just saying that I should be able to as well #and it shouldn’t be so difficult

[mloking]

vent post is vent (again)

#vent post #vent #nearly crying at work because im so tired (emotionally) of not feeling safe in my apartment building. #because of bugs. #i dont want to fuck my roommates over by moving. I don't #they dont deserve that #but i dont feel safe. and theres nothing really that can be done. I don't know what to do #i sincerely wish i could find a space to live that i could afford myself

[pochx]

im fine (is bothered by their untreated mental illnesses)

#i still have things i need to do like sending in a hopeless resume and cover letter for a job i really shouldve applied for already #and classes start tomorrow... #sigh ig i can start the search again tmrrw at work if im not Dying #what else do i need? to do? oh go on a walk lol #i wish i could do things like everyone else. but i tried earlier this yr and within a week was already deeply depressed #and im selfish and want time to myself. well more like i need it. and that doesnt help when im so very...medicore #and not memorable (this is only abt me in my field) and i just....idk it feels kinda hopeless #also most coping things therapists have told me never worked orz. idk im just rambling #we will.....figure it out i guess. woo for being mediocre! literally wont be able to afford my modest life dreams #which is:a place to live in. just ebough money to be comfortable and afford some nice things like a yearly vacation. or whatever else #makes me happy idk. and yet....that is asking for so much.