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dokifluffs · 4 years

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Pregnant | Osamu, Kenma, Akaashi, Sakusa

Pairings: Osamu X Reader (female), Kenma X Reader (female), Akaashi X Reader (female), and Sakusa X Reader (female)

Genre: fluff!!! Pregnant reader!!

Author’s Note: im having some v domestic vibes and baby fever so might as well share it with you all too! Happy reading~

Warning: all post time skip! Pregnancy (duh)

Pregnant | Iwaizumi, Bokuto, Atsumu

Osamu:

Crickets chirped into the darkness of the clear summer sky, stars twinkling as far as the eye could see as his keys jingled in the door, the cool air conditioning greeting him as he stepped in

The plastic bag of steaming hot onigiris rustled with every step and move he made

You sent him a text asking if he could bring home some onigiris, craving for some especially since you had been home all day while he was at work before he would have to take off on maternal leave when your arriving son would be brought into the world

The kitchen lights were off but the living room lights and tv were still on playing a random house hunting show

He approached your sleeping body, laid on you side with a pillow in between your legs, your arm draped over the side of your belly, the other acting as your pillow

He set the bag gently on the table and knelt down in the space between the table and the couch right in front of you

“Y/N, honey,” Osamu’s voice was as gentle as a summer evening breeze, the kind that just made anyone feel good as they relaxed on a grassy hill, taking in view of the colorful sky as the sun set in the distance

“I’m home,” he leaned close and pressed a kiss to your forehead

Seeing you after being away all day, it made him wonder what you did at home all day, how bored you must be, how tired you must be

He caressed your cheek, tilting his head to take your sleeping face at a better angle

“Y/N,” his voice was silky and light in a quiet singsong way, almost humming your name while speaking it as he grazed the back of his fingers over your plush, smooth cheek

You reached your hand from your belly to his, a small smile pulling at your lips as you brought in close to your nose and took a deep breath

What he did not expect was you biting into his hand

“Y/N, honey, wake up.,” he laughed as he carefully shook you awake, trying to pull his hand back

It didn’t hurt, more like you were nibbling on him but this was one, if not most, bizarre thing you had done in all of your pregnancy

“‘Samu~ welcome home,” you woke and smiled sleepily, reaching your arms up as he leaned in to meet you halfway

He helped you sit up and opened the bag of onigiris, some new and not even on the menu yet, before you could even ask about them

You sat close, leaning into his side as the two of you ate, the tv on more of a background sound before he turned it off, giving his undivided attention

“This is so good,” you spoke, mouth partially full with one of the new onigiris, your craving being satiated as always provided by your loving husband, Osamu

“Are ya sure?” He asked, a little serious but mostly joking. “It didn’t feel that way when you were chompin’ on me earlier.” He stuck his hand out with the lightest marks made by your teeth moments ago. “Were ya that hungry?” He rubbed your shoulder with his hand, taking another bite of his own onigiri

Your eating came to a cease, laughter coming out as you set your onigiri down in your lap to take Osamu’s hand. “I’m so sorry,” you said totally unbelievable with all the laughter and giggles erupting from you, it could only make Osamu smile himself hearing your laughter

He didn’t even realize how long he had heard it but it felt so good, it felt nostalgic that made him love you even more

“Did it hurt?” You traced your finger over his skin, looking up to him

“Nah, I’m jokin’, eat.” He traded his onirigi to his other hand so he could hand you yours from your lap

It was your craving after all

The two of you ate one after the other, sitting comfortably side by side as if time didn’t exist

It didn’t take long at all before the bag was empty but the two of you stayed put in the living room with both hungers satiated

The room filled with a comfortable silence as as your bodies melted together

Your hand rest over Osamu’s as he rubbed your belly, reality setting in for him, and even you, for the nth time since you announced your pregnancy

This was really happening

You were his wife, you were going to have his child, both your love for each other in a new life

He was going to have you by his side just like this and you were going to have him, just like this

And one day, there will be a tiny pair of feet in between and he couldn’t wait

Kenma:

Your steps sounded louder and louder as you went down the stairs, feeding the insecurity of your looks now that your belly was swelling bigger as time went on, days and weeks, months passing to your due date to the newest addition of your family with Kenma

A new Kozume brought to the world :)

Time was ticking

The hem of your oversized t-shirt tickled your thighs as you walked waddled toward Kenma in the living room, the wooden floors creaking with every step, it just poked and prodded at your insecurities

You paused right in the middle, the couches a few strides away but you couldn’t move another step

The sight of your body in the tv was the cherry on top- your plumped up body, the clear weight gain, especially your stomach although you were pregnant

But still

You felt so much bigger, you even stayed off of social medias seeing your old pictures and your recent ones families had taken, posting them

The difference was so great, it made your heart race, a chilling panic ghosting through your body, raising goosebumps over your arms

“Y/N?” Kenma’s voice pulled your mind out of the clouded thoughts of your mind. “What’s wrong?” He paused his game, standing to his feet, over to you in his comfortable sweats and kodzuken shirt with a simple white aesthetic that was eye catching but not overbearing

“I’m so much bigger,” you looked to him with glistening eyes, visually upset over your weight gain from pregnancy but it was bound to happen to everyone who got pregnant. “I’m so ugly,” you felt disgusted, your voice cutting off at the end and you wanted to turn away, head back upstairs, and hide under the covers until tomorrow

“I guarantee you that you are not ugly,” he rubbed his finger to the back of your hand on your belly, a little thing he did as he asked “permission” to hold your hand before he took it into his own

“Come with me,” he led you over to the couch he sat at earlier, the gray leather couch

He sat leaning onto the arm rest and some pillows, his legs spread open and patted the open space between

“I won’t fit,” you shook your head, completely sure you were way too wide to fit in between Kenma’s legs

Kenma was very much a stick, pretty thin, not too much taller than you but this just seemed impossible for you, especially since it felt like you were double his weight and width despite it being not true at all

“You will,” he reassured

You hesitated before sitting down, biting back all your thoughts and reasons as to why you should sit somewhere else or you needed to be anywhere else so you didn’t have to feel this way

But Kenma was right

His legs were own both sides of you and he eased your back to his chest

“Wait, Kenma, no-“ you tried to sit up, only to unable to because of your belly

“I’m too heavy.” Heat rushed up to your head, your want, no, need to leave eating you from the inside

“You’re not. Relax with me tonight.” He brought his arms around your body, handing you his personalized switch with animal crossing opened knowing this was one of your favorites

“Just play,” his voice was soothing to your ears, calming your heart

As you ran his character around his island, the more Kenma gave you tips, making light fun of the way you played, your thoughts and fears about your body slowly began to dissipate

With your mind wrapped up in the game, the more you let everything go

He was always able to read others and analyze things well, encased in his shell from a young age of being an introvert

But there was something about you, along with Kuroo and Hinata and others, who were able to coax him out of his shell

You were so wrapped up in the game, you hadn’t even realized Kenma’s hands resting on your belly behind yours holding up the switch, occasionally rubbing it as he let out a gleeful hum with his chin resting on your shoulder, watching you play, pointing out things you may have missed or advice on what you could do to maximize profits

Akaashi: *S/N* = Story Name

Akaashi’s hand was soft in yours as you excitedly led him up the stairs toward the finally finished nursery

He, along with the help of your father, painted the room a light beige color and when the paint finally dried, brought in all the furniture like the cribs, changing station

All that was left was for you to decorate it as much as you wanted and you absolutely made sure he saw none of it until now

You opened the door revealing a complete nursery, he didn’t know where to look first but most notable was the mobile above the crib- little owls hung and when turned on, they rotated in a circle that made it seem like they were flying

“Push that button,” you stood right beside him, holding his arm, your heart pounding in your chest out of excitement

And that was when he heard it- the lullaby from a music box he had gotten you when he proposed to you a couple years back. And here it was, a tune that you two’s child will be growing up hearing

The sound of the device was so soothing, it made akaashi feel like he was just meeting you last week and getting down on one knee to propose to you yesterday

“It’s our song, Keiji,” you rest your head on his shoulder. “And it’s going to be theirs.” You brought his hand up to your belly as he turned to you, his gaze never leaving you, his eyes trained to your smile as you looked down to your bump and the feel of his touch on you

The way your eyes shimmered when you looked up, the same smile he could never get tired of in his life, it made his heart swell so big in his chest

He leaned his head close and cupped your face, bringing his lips to yours. He had to show his love for you, to thank you for being with him in this life, thanking whoever or whatever brought you to his life

You certainly changed it and he wouldn’t do anything to change that

“What was that for?” You laughed, stealing another small kiss from his lips as he pulled away, his sea green eyes as enchanting as always when he opened them

“The song reminded me how much you truly mean to me, my love.”

It felt like you were in high school/ university all over again- his simple, straight-forward words that were always able to reduce you to a blushing mess

“What should we read them tonight?” Akaashi smiled as he knelt down in front of the little shelf filled with children books, mostly gifts from his and your mother, as you sat back on a small couch adjacent to the crib

“Anything,” you chimed from behind

With that, Akaashi chose S/N and took his seat beside you. You draped your legs over his and rest your head on his arm as he opened the book and began to read the story

It was as clear as you remembered from your own memory, the images and scenes from your own childhood playing so vividly in your mind

Akaash’s voice was so smooth as he read aloud, voicing the character(s) with ease, it naturally made you a bit lethargic yourself hearing this story

Guess bedtime stories still worked even tens of years later

As the story came to an end, as Akaashi read over the happy ending, his story came to a stop as you raised your head, gasping

“What, what is it?” He suddenly set the book to the table beside it as he sat on the edge of couch, turning to you as you stared down to your belly. “Are you hurt?” He began to grow a bit frantic, his panic growing when you didn’t respond

“No, no, no, Keiji, the baby moved,” you looked up to him, your smile slowly spreading on your face, melting away his fears as relief washed over him

“Look feel!” You snatched his hand and placed it on your belly and it was true

The little baby moved inside of your belly, kicking the side of your tummy right into Akaashi’s hands

The doctor suggested to begin doing activities with the baby such as well as movement being something that was going to happen soon

But neither of you thought so soon

You were wide awake at this point as you felt your child move inside, a sensation you’ve never felt before, only seen in videos

“Hi, baby,” you spoke to you belly, a tear escaping from your eye as you looked up to Akaashi, your love for him and the two of you overflowing. “We’re your parents,” your voice quieted down to a mere whisper

The two of you sat astonished watching the little movements that lasted for about a minute, your hands never leaving each other, staying on your belly

This was real, this was your reality, your life with the one you loved so much

And he loved you with every bit of him, he couldn’t imagine what he would do in another life without you

Sakusa:

It felt like your nausea combined with your cold was going to be the end of you if not the constant kicking from your daughter in your belly at your organs and even your ribs some times

You winced in your seat on the couch, hand over your belly as you took deep breaths through your stuffed nose through pain on top of all the things that was going through your body

Sakusa felt his heart drop beside you, wearing double masks over his face to make extra sure he wouldn’t catch any of your germs from your cold and morning sickness

“Another kick?”

“Mmhm,” you nodded your head, pushing though it. “I feel cold…” you closed your hands around the extended sleeves of the oversize sweater you wore, leaning closer to Sakusa

He tried not to mind this too much but it was like an irritating itch that wouldn’t go away, the fact how you hadn’t showered or anything today yet making it execrable for him

“How about a bath then?” He hesitantly rubbed his hand over your clothed shoulder but got over his lifelong phobia for a second

You were going to be by his side for the rest of his life. He had already seen and touched every bit of your body

You were bearing your guy’s child. This couldn’t go on forever

His touch was so simple, so light, it fed a hunger for him you didn’t realize you had deep inside but at the same time, it took you by surprise

The Sakusa you met years ago wouldn’t even sit or stand, let alone breathe, within two to three feet to anyone and years later, after marriage, and now with the start of a family, he was climbing the obstacle of his fears step by step

He knew, he told you with his own words he was never one to share a loving touch or caring words. He wanted to, god he wanted to so badly to let go of his cares and worries and fears but he couldn’t. It was etched into his skin and body, imprinted for his eyes and mind to constantly see and think about

But he wanted this to change. He wanted to do and say so many things to you to show his love that he deeply felt for you, it moved him and tore him on the inside

“Yes please,” you nodded

Sakusa had you walk in front of him, making sure you didn’t lose your balance going up

He took care of everything, adding soaps to the bath at the perfect heated temperature that would be perfect to soothe you as well as take care of some germs

Steam arose from the bubbly water

The two of you took off your clothes and he was the first to get in, his muscles instantly relaxing with the therapeutic temperature

You followed suit, feeling the subtle creeps of awkwardness

Again to your surprise, Sakusa took hold of your shoulders and carefully leaned you back into his chest with his legs crossed loosely beneath your legs

He brought his arms under the water, his hands looped around your abdomen and found their place on your belly

As soon as his touch was on you, you took in a sharp inhale, jolting in the water that created a little wave among the bubbles floating

“She’s been so active today,” Sakusa commented as he rubbed his hand in a circle on your belly, the other holding your hand as you gripped onto him through the pain

“Mmhm,” you gave a pained hum, eyes shut as you continued to breathe deeply

Sakusa could see the clear pain you were in, all the nausea and emotions that were all pent up in your body, it made guilt prick at his heart as he imagined all the times you probably wanted to reach out to him so he could hold you to help you though this but refrained

He could see your figure so clearly in his mind, reaching out but pulling back

Enough was enough

He pulled his arm from the water with a prominent splash and took off his masks, setting them neatly to the side

“I’m sorry you’re going through all this pain, Y/N.” Sakusa leaned close and pressed a kiss to your cheek, stifling his obsessive phobia internally. “Please never hesitate to reach out to me… I want to be a better husband for you…” He admitted

It felt so good to say this- it felt better than washing his hands or putting on a new mask

“I’ll be better,” he vowed more to himself than you

“Omi, it’s okay but thank you. I won’t.” You rubbed your hand over his forearms under the water, your chills from earlier long gone now

It was like magic

With Sakusa’a hands rubbing your belly, it was like your daughter sensed this and her kickings finally ceased for the rest of the bath

“She’s not even born yet but she’s already daddy’s girl,” you leaned your head back to his shoulder, smiling tiredly to Sakusa as his lips mirrored yours

“You’re my girl now and forever, though. She’ll just be my little one,” he leaned close and pressed his lips to your forehead

~~~~~ Thanks for reading! Masterlist for more! Please do not repost anywhere else!

Tags (let me know if you wanna be tagged for all my haikyuu posts): @yams046 @mazey-chan @sunboikyo00 @kara-grayson04 @fortheloveofbakugo @tsumtsumsemi @osamuonigiri @1-800-wholesome @yamagucci @realityisoftendisapointing@plantisnotplant @k-eijiakaashi @pink-panda-pancakes @differentballooncollection @osamusamusamu@therainroguefanfiction @euphorihan@turquoiselace @macaronnv @oxmaddy @mrkoala4prsdnt @curiouslilbeast @plantisnotplant@therestless101 @abcdaichi @oyasenpai @kaaidalupita

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cognitosclowns · 2 years

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heya, it’s the apartment-anon again!! i saw your reply,, and tbh i’m having some A.B brainrot as well,,, like???? the robot dude w/ an abundance of plants??? my heart…its melting…oh no…….

but yeah i’d really like to see your stuff on A.B’s apartment!!! maybe how his s/o would react to it as well!!

OOH WHAT IF HE GETS A CAT

gah this is too cute!!!! <3333

- 🌱 anon [i guess that works for a long-term name lol]

GUH <333 GHUH <333 GGHHHGHHH <3 THIS IS GONNA BE LONG AGAIN IM SORRY-

SFW BELOW

(OH AND HERES THE PREVIOUS ASK)

OH GOODNESS <3333 THIS ASK IS GIVING ME SUPREME BRAINROT <333

JUST <333 listen his apartment is pretty small all things considered bc he,, doesn't really need much?? BUT ALSO ITS WAY BIGGER THAN ANYTHING HE'S USED TO??

Like esp if he's Mobile and Repaired it feels,, almost wrong having so much empty space to move around in??? Like at least in the Basement Lab has the background noise of computer terminals and pipes n stuff but,,, his apartment is uncannily quiet??

THIS MEANS HE LEAVES THE WINDOW OPEN AT ALL TIMES. Hearing the sounds of the city?? is so soothing. Also its completely new to him?? <33 so like for the first few nights he just kinda,, sits by the window and listens to the world while he reads.

MNSDMSD I MENTIONED THIS IN THE TAGS OF THE PREVIOUS POST THAT LIKE,, he has this Very Bad Habit of picking things up and then placing them somewhere else that is,, Very Percarious??

BC HES A ~PERFECT AI~ SO LIKE,, he can balance shit perfectly and then balance MORE shit on top of THAT shit and now you can't access the window bc theres smth resembling Modern Art in the way

AND OF COURSE, in his hubris he accidentally like,, stumbles a bit and that Slight Vibration causes several Piles Of Books And Trinkets to come clattering down >:( he'll still insist it was from Myc being too loud

OH SPEAKING OF MYC-

AB is a heavy sleeper he is a very heavy sleeper he could probably sleep through a fucking atom bomb but somehow Myc always seems to wake him up at like 3 am with his nonsense

LISTEN HE DIDNT MEAN TO PUT HIS ARM THROUGH THE WALL, IT JUST KINDA HAPPENED

He woke up suddenly and went to,, Bat On The Wall To Tell Him To Shut The Fuck Up and in his half-awake tizzy forgot that he has super strength and.... well

I mean at least Myc shut off his music after so he considers it a resounding success

YES HIM GETTING A LITTLE KITTEN <33

he didn't even get her on purpose - he noticed her climbing along his windowsill and,,, well he couldn't just leave her out there, she could fall and hurt herself and shes just so tiny it would be cruel to leave her out in the snow all alone and Oh No He Has A Cat Now??? When Did This Happen >:(

She's this,, tiny little white Cornish Rex?? No matter how much he feeds her she stays vv thin and lanky lmao.

Her 'Official Name' is Piper, (as in the Pied Piper bc,,, Jesus Christ He's Pretty Sure She's Killed Half The Rats In Virginia At This Point With How Many She Keeps Leaving Around. She takes after her dads homicidal tendencies I guess)

(ALSO,,, PRINCESS <33 bc she IS his little princess <333 yea he coos little endearments at her but he would never admit that lmao)

She perches as high as she can and just,, stares at everything. It unnerves ppl and he loves it <333 ITS THOSE BIG OL EYES, ALWAYS SUPER SHARP. The only time they get all Big is when she's being ignored and decides Fathers Ankles Need To Be Swiped For This Crime >:(

she doesn't audibly purr but,, like,, when you pet her you can feel her vibrating?? HE ADORES IT <333

YOURE 99% SURE THAT CAT HAS IT OUT FOR YOU THOUGH. LIKE SHE KEEPS GROWLING AT YOU WHEN YOURE JUST,, EXISTING. THIS BATTLE IS NEVER-ENDING SORRY LMAO.

THE PLANTS WERE,, ANOTHER THING THAT JUST KINDA HAPPENED.

It started with Brett getting him a little succulent to 'break in the new home', and he got used to taking care of it and,,, so when Elliot needed to get rid of a few old houseplants to make room for a new desk of course AB was the first one to ask and-

I MEAN HIS PLACE IS GORGEOUS, JUST,,, A BIT CLUTTERED LMAO.

It really does feel like a greenhouse <333 theres plants wherever he can stick them. You're pretty sure he'd have dandelions growing out of the floorboards if you gave him the chance.

LIKE YOU CAN STILL MOVE AROUND BUT YOU ALWAYS WORRY YOU'RE GONNA KNOCK OVER HIS TULIPS OR SMTH. He's very proud of everything and you can practically see him resisting the urge to start explaining all the intricacies of growing each of them.

MSNDMSD ILL CUT THIS OFF HERE BC ITS ALREADY GETTING LONG <333 BUT AAA I ADORE THIS IDEA SO MUCH. ABSOLUTELY ADORABLE.

#YALL ARE INDULGING ME TOO MUCH RECENTLY SMDNSMN <3333 AAAAA I AUDIBLY SQUEALED WHEN I SAW THIS ASK <333 GOD <33 #PLANT ANON YOU HAVE THE MOST MASSIVE BRAIN I AM DELIGHTED #STOP ENCOURAGING THIS BEHAVIOR LMAO IF THESE POSTS KEEP GETTING LONGER ILL END UP WITH A NOVEL #alpha-beta #robotus alpha-beta #sfw #fluff #inside job #alpha-beta x reader #robotus alpha-beta x reader #also eventually he probably gets a... Very Stupid Exotic Shorthair who constantly tumbles over himself <333 #names him Macavity bc he's.. orange ish but turns out he's actually vv clumsy n stupid <3333 #GUH THIS WAS CUTE I LOVED IT #me : oh no im posting too much ab #yall : *three ab asks back to back*#pspspspsp roboromancers cmere ab is being endearing again #when piper is getting into smth he just.. gently grabs her face and stares blankly at her like a tired parent. they just blink at eachother #for a bit and then he lets go smdnsmd

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princeanxious · 3 years

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What art are you most proud of? And please show us a pic if you can! <3

Not gonna lie, this was actually p hard to answer. I’m honestly proud of any piece I get done, especially any full body, full color, full background pieces, and I refuse to let myself out-right hate anything that I draw in general now-a-days, unfinished or no. I draw for fun, always have, so I try not to put too much worry on how good something looks so long as it gets my idea across in a way that I like, or that I tried?? (And ik being proud of a piece doesnt have to tie into what the end result looks like, im just covering that base) I looked through all of my recent digital art on my ipad(that i’ve had what, 3-4 years at this point?) and found myself about just as happy with each finished piece-

-Except one. There is one piece that I forget about constantly but I’m honestly super proud of the amount of effort it had put in to reach the end result. It probably sees a number of glances infrequently(due to my sporatic activity on said blog) but isnt posted to this blog’s art tag.

It’s the blog banner I drew for my @thelostguardianau fic, of the(at the time) whole cast in the au. You can find the post to reblog it from here but i’m also adding it below for reference. (* and honestly I’ll mention every other art piece in this au posted to it’s blog stands at having this same proudness, as each individual characters complicated design fed into this big banner, each one having a giant set of uniquely drawn wings, complex body markings, and unique clothing and features. And I would not have been able to complete this banner without having those singular character chart pieces finished first, except for Thomas’s design, who has yet to be posted for ✨reasons✨)

This fricking Banner was and still is(for now, *wink*) the most ambitious piece I’ve managed to finish. It took me so long, my wrist hated me, my ipad hated me, my ipencil hated me, medibang hated me, this piece pushed the limits of the poor app. Every time I try and open this piece up on the app it takes a solid couple seconds to open, save, and close.

From sketching to lining every single character, to having to uniquely match up Their Wing Sizes and Heights, because Guardians are fucking Tall, so Wing size and Height size was hell to calculate and portray. Why, you might ask?

Because I was limited to the proportions that would actually fit into a tumblr mobile banner. Which, funfact, is much smaller than you’d think!

I had to make sure they’d all fit, wings and all. And they didnt fcking want to. But I made it fit, because I wanted a full body + wings cast banner and goddamn it that was going to happen. And I did. And I lost a fuck-off amount of detail-space for it.

Coloring it wasn’t exactly difficult, but I will once again point back to this app hating this piece and it draining my battery because of it. I work in layers. My lineart will have 5-6 different layers in color before I combine them and set the hue to black, but I still keep my lineart seperate in that each character has their own lineart, and the background lineart is seperate.

I had their lineart, and probably still do, seperated into Seven different layers, one per character, each one w/ an extra masking layer for their wing glow. Each character got their own folder for colors, and had multiple layers for each colored section: clothing, skin, skin blush + eye whites, hair, wings, body markings, marking glow. And then there was the background layers, and the glowing affects, ect. The whole piece stands at having about 80 total layers having been used over the course of making it.

So yeah, Medibang does not like this piece when I try to open it. xD

But really, setting aside fighting and babying technology thats being pushed close to its limit, the real pride comes from the fact that this piece has Seven fully colored, near-full body characters drawn, all touching and interacting and accurate to the scale that I made. It is the most amount of characters in one piece that I’ve ever drawn, colored, and finished, and I’m pretty fricken proud of it.

Which makes it all the more daunting that said banner is going to get an upgrade, because it’s a Character Cast Banner after all, and its going to have four more fully designed and full winged characters added into it.

And by upgrade, I mean I get to redraw the whole dang thing. Because I gotta rearrange ✨everyone’s✨ positions. And at this point, the only way thats possible is by starting over.

wish me luck on that. o_o;

#sanders sides #luka draws #thelostguardianau #luka answers #ask to tag #tw long post #kinda #luka rambles

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bigskydreaming · 3 years

Text

Hey friendly reminder that I honestly do not want anyone to follow me unless they actually WANT to which means they are free to unfollow, refollow, leave and come back and leave again or WHATEVER as many times as they want, for any reason whatsoever. Including if my posting styles of the moment get to be too much for them or are not to their liking, etc?

BUT I have been seeing a surge in comments in notes and stuff on various posts of mine about the length of my posts or the rambling of my posts and like....I know? This is not new information to me? But I post the way I post at any given time based on the resources I have at any given time and the fact that its often a matter of I can post a long rambling post or I can make no post at all.

Like, I really truly do not like going into specifics about my situation more than necessary or when not necessary, because like, my situation is boring to me, I don’t particularly care to dwell on it any more than I have to. But the fact of the matter is its still a thing that exists so here goes: yes I have physical issues like near constant migraines and pain and also vertigo, and yes I have neurodivergencies like C-PTSD and ADHD and yes I have circumstances that include near constant stress from eternally being in the negatives, financially, as well as being almost constantly hungry from a lack of money and limited options for eating due to the physical constraints of my jaw as well as being consistently sleep deprived because there’s only so much sleep you can get when there’s no such thing as a physically comfortable sleeping arrangement for you currently, all while existing in a constant limbo of I literally have NO idea when any of this will change for me because haha fun fact WE LIVE IN A PANDEMIC.

My point is like......all of these are things I’m not shy about, but they don’t exist as bullet points in a checklist of identity or circumstantial traits, they all exist at all times as points of fact that influence and inform and interact with each other.

So my financial situation and limbo of not being able to move forward with my surgery because of the chaos of the health care industry during a pandemic directly informs both the way stress impacts my mental health issues, but also my ability to treat my mental health issues by way of medication, nutrition, rest.....ie, almost every cent I make via work, etc, goes right back out the door to keeping up my insurance premiums of $850 a month, because even though my surgery is paid for, there’s still elements like hospital stay fees, anesthesia, etc, that won’t be paid until the day of surgery itself, and which I will not be able to pay without my insurance remaining current and active. Which means that I had to prioritize an insurance package that would net me THOSE benefits, which means I had to sacrifice parts of insurance that are no longer in that package, but which previously made things like my medications, refill appointments and therapy more affordable for me.

Which means that I have to prioritize my medication and therapy etc and maintain my therapy and PTSD, depression and anxiety meds as the most important to upkeep, while my ADHD meds are pretty much priced out of accessibility for me at the moment. Like, the specifics of my metabolism and various trial and error with different meds over the years and the way my body rapidly adapts to various meds and plateaus to a point where they cease to have any real impact on me means the only ADHD medication that’s consistently effective for me is Vyvanse, which there isn’t a viable generic form of that I can take, meaning a monthly refill of it is $350 without insurance, which I flat out can not ever afford anymore, which means its been roughly two months since I last popped an ADHD pill.

So yeah, that directly impacts things like my ability to self-edit, make a point briefly, or refrain from circling back to the same point several times over and over because I literally forget that I made it.

Now of course ADHD medication is not the be-all and end-all and its not like there aren’t various other life-hacks and coping strategies for working around ADHD even without it, after all, I didn’t even get diagnosed until I was 26. But these various other adaptations rely on things like good nutrition (which I can not regularly afford, or even consume....most leafy green vegetables for example, or fruits other than berries, are literally nonstarters for me because I don’t have enough leverage with my one-sided jaw to CHEW them in the first place, and the ingredients for making smoothies regularly are again, expensive). So nutrition as a hack for ADHD management is pretty much out - I’m too busy prioritizing eating anything I can, whenever I can afford to. Other adaptations involve getting lots of rest: something that again, physically isn’t all that viable for me these days, even leaving aside the effects of constant stress on attempts at getting meaningful rest, along with the constant stress and constraints of trying to work as much as humanly possible in my circumstances, in order to keep bringing in income to go to insurance, rent, and food and meds. Then there’s also the stabilizing effects exercise and physical activity can have on the brain and various neurodivergencies like mine, but the migraines and vertigo make most forms of exercise a nonstarter for me, with most of the rest invalidated by the fact that I’m pretty much always hungry, tired, and in chronic pain.

Now let’s examine work and the viability of obtaining more sources of income to help with all this. Well, my options are limited there too due to the ecosystem of factors in play. I’ve been trying for awhile to find even a part time job in my area I can do, but the problems are even though I can make myself mobile and active through my pain issues and migraines, and am even good at gritting and bearing it and acting like I’m smiling and laughing and happy even while in excruciating pain (yay, perks of childhood abuse making a career in retail viable even while practically dead on my feet, lololol)......there’s the simple physiological limitation that I just can’t stay upright RELIABLY for more than a couple hours at a time. Eventually, dizziness knocks me on my ass. Downside of a jaw that’s constantly hanging with all its weight from one side of your face, fucking with your ability to even stand up straight, not to mention causing inner ear and equilibrium problems at random whenever you open or close your mouth in the wrong way (or mere approximation of ANY kind of way).

So, standing upright at any kind of customer service or retail job is one issue. Stocking stuff, that sort of thing.....not really an option when you’re likely to drop all of it at any given moment. But then there’s bracing myself at cash registers, something like a job at Starbucks or hell there’s a Jamba Juice nearby, that’d also get me an employee discount for smoothies I can drink regularly. Course, there’s the whirring of blenders and such, which pair great with constant migraines. Etc. Etc.

BUT. I’m a well-rounded person with lots of skills....which lead to things like my freelance graphic design business as a book cover designer, as well as various writing endeavors, etc. And all of these are things that I DO do, currently. They’re how I make my income as is. There’s absolutely more jobs out there, but the fact is as a freelancer, FINDING additional jobs is a time consuming and spoon consuming process, that is additionally impacted by factors like ADHD, so not only does looking for work require time that’s not already being spent working, it also requires the management and expenditure of mental resources that I have to prioritize FIRST towards applying them to what work I already DO have, given the absence of ADHD medication and minimal coping or regulatory habits allowing for me to be all that productive WITHOUT said meds.

Not to mention the strain sitting in front of a computer all day for work in venues like graphic design, etc, puts on migraines, so there’s only so many hours I can devote daily or in one sitting to doing things like cover work. Much of my writing time is spent not actually writing, but me just dictating into notes on my phone and then copying and pasting all that into the appropriate formats for fiction, nonfiction and just random posts. Of course here then I have to prioritize applying my mental resources to first making sure the stuff I write to make money gets edited or properly pared down to size and isn’t repeating the same shit over and over and over, then doing the same to stuff I write fic wise as one of my few escapes from Real Life BS so I can at least point to having SOME kind of life (as this has been my daily existence for years, and uh.....people having things they like or like to do, as much as is humanly feasible, only becomes MORE of a necessity the more stress involved in their day to day life, not less).

Meaning by the time I even get to posting, like.....as much as it may look like I do a lot of it, the speed at which I write when I have any kinds of spoons to apply to posting or composing thoughts at ALL means I actually pour out a lot in a little span of time.....BUT that’s not like, a Skill so much as its a Fact. Its just the way I am and it comes with its downsides as well as its upsides....Im good at banging out a lot in a short amount of time, but ONLY when I just....let it go, versus try and regulate it all or squeeze it out bit by bit. I’m a sprint poster these days rather than a marathoner, even if the length of my thoughts makes it LOOK like the latter.....the reality is for me it tends to be all or nothing, its whatever I can get on the page BEFORE I lose my breath or train of thought. So that’s why it looks the way it does, because that was the only form it was coming out at the specific time and space when I had the energy and brainpower TO get it out, and going back in hindsight and editing it for clarity or brevity AFTER I gasp it all out requires energy and breath I do not have PAST that point, so it becomes a simple equation of well do I want a post to exist here at all or not at all.....and I err on the side of posting. This isn’t a defense because there’s nothing to defend, mind you, I’m simply explaining my way through my thought process, approach to things, and realities of my day to day existence for you to do with whatever you want. Its just a perspective you may not have had before. Whatever.

Of course, even this doesn’t exist in a void. Something that’s always a factor in my awareness when posting is like......I’m lucky enough to have a large enough following that cares enough about what I have to say for whatever reasons or puts enough value in what I have to say or the things I write and create, that I’ve been able to supplement my financial needs when absolutely necessary at times, by way of donation posts. I try not to lean on them more than necessary because I am keenly aware that they are a gift from people, many of whom I do not know and will likely never meet, and as such, not something I have any form of expectation for. I make donation posts when and where I do not in the anticipation of getting them met, but simply for a lack of any other options whatsoever. I’m limited in the work I can do, and the time and energy I can devote to finding more of that same work. There’s not a ton of other career paths I can pursue even from behind a computer due to my lack of a college degree, and the fact that even when I’m qualified skill or knowledge wise, I lack the specific credentials for verifying that I possess those skills or knowledge in a way employers are inclined to recognize and/or validate. Going BACK to school to get said credentials is an expenditure of time, finances, and other resources I do not have to spare at the moment or any time soon, especially not in the name of shoring up a lack of all that in the present term.

I dropped out of college freshman year after my gaybashing and rape. I never went back to it for a variety of reasons that were only half about resources and half about intent. My family is not a presence in my life and hasn’t really been in any significant way since I was eighteen, so college in the first place was something I had to be entirely self-sufficient about....I was only able to afford to go the year that I did go by way of academic scholarships that were dependent on grades I couldn’t keep up in the wake of what happened to me, and that I couldn’t exactly ever get back without a foundation to build upon, like high school and my initial academic career. Then in the half that was about intent, I eventually moved into pursuing my actual interests like writing, graphic design and acting. One of the things I’ve always loved about those is that output and portfolio nets you more than credentials most of the time....they ARE your credentials. I was actually pretty damn successful as an actor for years, not in the way that leads to being someone that people would recognize, but in the way that leads to being able to support yourself doing what you love. All the skillsets that I have but could not back up with things like a diploma were still useful to me as an actor in a way that they’re not in terms of getting things like tutoring or teaching jobs.....I speak multiple languages but I’m self taught, I have a black belt in karate, I’m a classically trained pianist, I know a whole lot of shit about random shit that I just learned because I wanted to, and all of that got me the kind of work that I was looking for and meant I COULD work and make a living off those things for years throughout my twenty....work that I would not have been able to get if I had been back sitting in a classroom instead. The primary currency of my years as an actor were life experiences and I had those in spades, and I was very good at what I did, if I do say so myself, and the reasons I never advanced further career wise tended to have less to do with whether or not I booked the roles I auditioned for and whether I got the auditions at all......

I’m getting a bit off topic here but I’m just saying there’s definitely a convo to be had at some point, about the roles and opportunities I turned down because I wasn’t willing to sleep with someone or put up with their advancements in order to do so. Something that’s a dime a dozen in Hollywood and the thing is.....I was a sex worker, for years, before I moved to Hollywood and started working as an actor. But there’s a distinct difference between the way people talk about, interact with and perceive someone who’s gotten roles because of sex, advanced up a corporate ladder because of sex...versus, gotten paid because of sex. I didn’t turn down offers of roles for sex because of my hang-ups about sex but rather other peoples’......I had a problem with various parts of the industry that would have thought nothing about me getting a role because a producer wanted to sleep with me, but would have turned up their nose at me because I slept with someone to get money for groceries before. Basically I’m just saying the specific bullshit Hollywood has not just about sex but predatory behavior got in the way of my career advancement because there were some games I just wasn’t willing to play....which hails from the very life experiences that oftentimes made me so good as an actor in the first place.

Which brings me back again to my main point......none of this exists in a vaccuum. Being the sum of our life experiences and variables means being the SUM of that, at ALL times, both in large and small ways. We are never just a LIST of identity traits or experiences. They all constantly loop back around and feed into each other and inform where we are at every second of every day and where we GO in each second, what we DO with our days and the choices we make.

Which is where so much of my discontent with fandoms, on social media in general, with PEOPLE in my day to day life comes from: this desire people have to compartmentalize, to ZERO IN on specific factors or variables or instances and act like it even CAN be divorced from all other influences. Its not that you can’t FOCUS on one thing at a time, its just even when you do that, that doesn’t like....snap all existing connections that thing has to everything outside of your area of focus.

As an example, my attitudes on being a survivor and various kinds of fiction get me a ton of pushback from various corners, and its all geared around the same premise: don’t like, don’t read. Put a wall up between you and it. Focus on just what you’re doing and forget what everyone else is doing.

But it doesn’t work like that. It CAN’T work like that. And this commitment people have to pretending it does just because that pretense has been working for them, THAT, I’d argue, is the true wedge in fandom spaces.

Everything about me is connected to something else. I’m a childhood abuse and incest csa survivor. When my therapist asks me to picture a moment from my childhood when I felt safe or protected, I got nothing. I don’t have that resource. I don’t know what that feeling is meant to feel like, because I never felt it. And that connects directly into the fact that when I was gaybashed in college, after they dumped me in a fucking park, bleeding and covered in writing, I didn’t even think about going to the hospital, the police, let alone calling anyone like my parents, I just picked myself up and walked back to my dorm, cleaned myself off as best I could, and went to class next Monday morning. That’s fucked up, I shouldn’t have had to, but its what I did, and there’s no divorcing that from any of the contexts of WHY that’s what I did, and why I didn’t think there was any other logical recourse or option for me then. Just like all of that also links back to growing up in the closet and entering high school the same month Matthew Shepherd was attacked, and then when he ultimately died two months later, and watching everybody’s reactions to that informed the fact that I did not remotely feel safe in the aftermath of my attack, disclosing what happened to people around me, or just like I didn’t take it on face value that even if they said appropriately sensitive things to me to my face didn’t mean that like when I was a freshman in high school and everyone was reacting to that, they wouldn’t revert to callous jokes about fags the second they felt a little less out of the spotlight or in the right company for those jokes.

And all of that directly links into my feelings not just when people write rape and gaybashing scenes that make no attempt at any kind of catharsis but rather only appear to exist for the fetishization, the glamorization, the VALIDATION of the idea that in the right context, those kinds of scenes can be hot to the right audience rather than demoralizing to the figure who’s pain and humaniliation is required for everyone else’s entertainment....but it also additionally plays into the reactions and attitudes I have when people look at me going “wow, really don’t like the lens you’re using here or the environment you’re creating around an experience that is never anything BUT painful and traumatic for someone who lived it, like I did” and choose to respond to that by saying things that amount to “well you’re basically just like conservative southern assholes who hate free speech when you say stuff like this,” cuz y’know.....that’s describing my literal oppressors. That’s lumping me in with the actual literal kind of people who are the SOURCE of my trauma there, all because you felt butthurt and defensive about how I said I wasn’t comfortable with the kinds of jokes and output you were making about scenes that aren’t that far divorced from my own personal reality, and that I shouldn’t HAVE to divorce from my own experiences just to exist within certain fandom spaces.

And just like the fact that being an incest survivor is directly relevant to the fact that my stepmother always made an effort to keep me at a distance because not wanting to admit to what happened to me and how it played into our family entanglements was directly linked back to the fact that she and my aunt were both incest survivors who never got the opportunities to deal with what happened to them, which in turn directly plays into the fact that ultimately my aunt ended up taking her own life a few years ago, which also very much informs my attitude towards people interacting with incest ships as something cutesy and uwu, as my aunt was literally the only person in my family I ever WAS close to or comfortable with. And there’s no divorcing any of that into nice neat little compartments that make it easier for anyone on the outside looking in to just peek through ONE window to see what they might see, and try and act like it doesn’t matter what’s in any of those other boxes because it has nothing to do with the only one they want to concern themselves with.

And my lack of resources and emotional state post gay-bashing led directly into my sex work for various reasons, which led in various ways to better things for me in some respects, while compounding certain traumas of mine in other respects, and there’s no divorcing any of that from the rest either. There’s no ‘my time as a sex worker was good’ even though some of it was and there’s no ‘my time as a sex worker was bad’ even though some of it really was. And a lot of the attitudes of some of the rich assholes who paid me for sex and viewed me as a plaything they could do anything to directly informs my resistance to letting powerful assholes in Hollywood hold roles over my head in exchange for sex, even though the latter could have advanced my career in huge ways and led to me being a lot more financially stable and self-sufficient by the time my physical issues emerged due to the jaw joint on one side of my head eroding through and snapping completely just like that in turn was a long-building repercussion of not just my gaybashing, but my decision to never go to the hospital and get checked out after it.

None of this can be cut away from the rest and trimmed into neat little pieces that don’t color outside the lines or impact anything else. Just like my gaybashing itself can’t be divorced from my white privilege, and the fact that it played into the fact that I survived that night in the first place. Something I say not in some weird white guilt kinda way like people try and project onto others for even acknowledging white privilege, like no its not like I fucking wish I died to prove some kind of weird point, what I’m talking about is just the simple basic AWARENESS that multiple and even contradictory factors exist in even the most extreme of situations. And its never anything BUT self-serving to pretend that you can frame it as otherwise.

And so when I talk about being a survivor, just like with all the rest of this, I’m not talking about some arbitrary status of survivorhood that exists in a specific point in time and is only relevant to some singular event I survived, its applicable to everything about my life big and small. I’m a survivor every single day I’ve survived, every day I wake up and keep moving forward despite the pain and stress and lingering trauma of what was done to me one night sixteen years ago, I’m surviving what they did every bit as much as I survived it that night and in the morning after as I dragged myself back to my room. Just like my status as an abuse survivor stemming from childhood directly informs everything about not just my coping mechanisms but my entire freaking worldview as someone who grew up throughout childhood learning to view the world through a lens in which he was simultaneously not safe due to the presence of victimizers in his own home, while at the same time still having certain protections that others don’t have in life in general due to not just again my white privilege but my male privilege, my cis privilege.

And that’s what makes it so laughable and so offensive when people act like I’m defining myself by being a survivor as some kind of singular identity trait whenever I raise it as something of relevance in fandom discussions that have EVERYTHING to do with stances of abuse apologism and homophobic ideas that directly play into why I was so unsafe in certain parts and times of my life, because who the fuck is anyone else to tell me how my experiences as a survivor and how they shaped me are or are not relevant to ideas pertaining to those very things, when brought front and center and face to face with me in various fandoms due to the insistence of fandoms at large on KEEPING these things front and center in almost ALL fandom discussions? Like, the hilarious irony of people who have so wholly centered certain types of ship and content in terms of their own personal fandom identities that they can’t help but feel personally attacked when someone so much as says “I don’t like the ideas you’re broadcasting alongside your choice to amplify and signal boost this kind of content because you’re not JUST signalboosting the content itself, but these specific perceptions of it and ideas in support of and in apology for it.”....like, turning around and saying IM too defined by my views stemming from my existence as a survivor. The call is coming from inside the house, lolol.

Again, none of this can be divorced from the rest. It can be focused on one piece at a time, but its connections to everything else that informs it in various RELEVANT ways, can not be made IRRELEVANT just because you don’t like the picture that forms when you’re forced to look at the WHOLE picture instead of just willfully condensing the frame to just the part you like or want to talk about.

And to bring it all home, looping back up to what I opened with:

Do you know how often I hear people say shit about the length of my posts or the rambling nature or in various ways act INCONVENIENCED by various things about how they have to interact with my posts when that interaction itself is still completely voluntary?

Taking in everything I said in this post, the way it all interconnects and informs other things, I’d like to ask anyone who has ever objected to some post somewhere or derided one because of something as ultimately nonconsequential as the length of it, something where its literally just like....scroll a few more seconds......do you apply the same energy and scrutiny to posts that cross your dash that are filled with various things like racism, transphobia, rape or pedophilia fetishization or abuse apologism, or do you let that slide by without acknowledgment before looking at a post that makes you sigh because of how fucking LONG it was and think...this, THIS is what I’m gonna choose to speak up about?

Because that’s ultimately what this is all about. Here’s the kicker with everything I said....my life could be better, I want it to be better, from the biggest aspects of it and pain issues to stuff just like.....the fandom communities I immerse myself in for my own attempts at having something to counterbalance real life stress. But at the end of the day, there’s no my life sucks or my life rocks....its still just...my life. And it has its good as well as its bad, and that ultimately hails from my choices, and the fact that like....even while there are choices I literally CAN’T make, I can be comfortable with the ones I DO make.

And so like......would my life be easier in some respects now if I’d gone back to school and gotten a diploma and had more job opportunities available to me? Yeah, for sure. But that awareness doesn’t mean I regret my choice NOT to go back to school when I DID have more opportunities for that, because the acting career I had at those times instead was the choice I made, with intent, and its one I’m still glad for making. Those experiences still matter, still meant something and still mean something to me.

And do I wish that I’d coped with what happened to me in college in different, healthier ways that would have given me more tools for how I interact with my trauma and who I became after that, rather than how I did? Yeah, sometimes, for sure. But not without losing my awareness that the choices I did make at the time were not made in a vacuum, and can not be edited in hindsight....there were reasons I made them, reasons that were informed by everything that had happened to me previously and stemmed from a lot of things I still didn’t have control over and as such always placed a cap on the range of choices that were available to me back then, because there’s a difference between choices that exist in theory versus choices that exist as something that might viably be chosen at a particular place and time.

The world is big and complicated. Life is big and complicated. WE are big and complicated. And nothing about understanding any of that is IMO benefited by putting most of our effort into SHRINKING our worldviews, constructing artificial frames that don’t just focus us in on specific aspects of it for finite periods but attempt to then treat that as its own individual thing utterly disconnected from anything else that might be going on OUTSIDE that picture frame.

So if you’ve read this far and you’ve taken anything away from this big long rambling post that could be a lot shorter, could be a lot less rambling, but could also just not have been posted at all and I’d rather have it exist in this form than let everything in it go unsaid.....

My request would be that your takeaway be this: to look at your choices in regards to some specific finite interaction in even just one of your fandoms, and see what happens when you open the frame back up. If you widen the scope. If you let other things into the picture. Are you still comfortable with the choices you make or don’t make in light of THAT image, are they any different from the ones you made or would have made when keeping things as small and contained in your awareness as possible, just because that was easier for you to conceptualize, easier to navigate around, just....less COMPLICATED?

Because things aren’t made less complicated just by the mere fact of WANTING them to be.

And if your choices are more born of what you’d say or do IF the world were as finite or as limited as its sometimes easier to pretend it is......is that really the approach you want to go with and the reasoning you want to stand by?

And similarly, if there are choices you make and that in ORDER for you to feel comfortable making them, you feel a need to tighten your focus or shrink your worldview around one specific element or area and leave out all the rest and only then are you truly comfortable with doing or saying something, like......

Its important to remember that this isn’t the only option you have for making yourself more comfortable with things you say or do or think, or even just have in the past.

The other perfectly viable option exists: you can simply....make different choices.

#this is a post #im not entirely sure how else to describe it #just that it is not necessarily the post that it looks like beneath the cut that it looks like above the cut #so all I've got is: this has been a post #make of it what you will #lololol #its....whatever #ANYWHO

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kaaras-adaar · 3 years

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KNOWING YOUR PARTNER WELL CAN POTENTIALLY MAKE WRITING TOGETHER A LOT EASIER. REPOST DO NOT REBLOG !!

NAME: Owl, K, Kmod.

PRONOUNS: He/Him

PREFERENCE OF COMMUNICATION: I don’t mind. If it’s first interactions, I assume IM’s and asks is totally an okay way to communicate with me. If I feel we’re in for the long haul, then I’ll offer my discord (or add you if you offer). I generally only chat on discord with mutuals, tho. I will say, I’m REALLY antisocial. Some days, I’m too tired to reply/talk, even tho I’m online. My work is incredibly taxing when it comes to my people metre, so please never take offence if I’m not responding. Sometimes I’m online but not at my PC as well. I will reply when I can. Just know it’s not you, it’s 100% me! Ask all of my close RP buddies, and I’m sure they’ll all agree :’D

NAME OF MUSE(s): Kaaras Taashath Adaar

RP EXPERIENCE/HOW LONG (MONTHS / YEARS?): Oof... wow, I think I started Rping back in... maybe 2008?

PLATFORMS YOU’VE USED: DevART notes, email, livejournal, MSN, Skype, MERP forum, chat rooms, Tumblr.

BEST EXPERIENCE: Probably the people I have met here in the DARP community. Some of you are my closest friends, and I find that even with distance and time between us, we can still pick up like we’ve never stopped, and I really love that. Real life is busy and sometimes you just can’t talk all the time, and you guys understand that. I miss my days in the Transformers fandom, but mostly because I was younger and more carefree (the place was very toxic). Being able to write Kaaras has been such an amazing experience over the years, and I’m a lot wiser for it.

PET PEEVES/DEALBREAKERS: Pet peeves, too much ooc content and too many RL (modern) FC posts on my dash. I don’t mind fantasy/medieval ones, but when I see FC’s with mobiles in a world I don’t write in, it feels very out of place for me. I have a really odd thing with FCs. Not a deal breaker, though. Dealbreakers? Just don’t be a cunt. If you’re policing people how to write and being a cunt on my dash, I’m not interested. Callout posts are childish no matter who you are. I don’t care for your excuses and your white knightery. I’m too old for that shit, and it looks disgusting even if you’re trying to take the moral high ground. Just unfollow and be done with it. You don’t like the way they said or write something, then act like an adult and deal with it maturely. Leave the high school drama at high school. Politics is also a big thing that is starting to piss me off as well. I work hard every day, in healthcare, in the middle of a pandemic, on the front line... the last fucking thing I want to do when I get home is see bullshit politics on my dash when I deal with fuck heads all day at work. I’m here to WRITE and enjoy myself, not deal with the real world and its politics, let alone seeing people ‘splain. If I wanted to deal with that, I’d just stay at work all day.

FLUFF, ANGST OR SMUT: All. I’m a fan of all of it, so long as there’s chemistry between the characters and we’re going somewhere with it.

PLOTS OR MEMES: I love both. Admittedly, memes are probably the best ice breakers for me, because I don’t have a lot of time to plot anymore--that and being so tired from work makes my brain frizzle out and I can’t even THINK of plots. Memes spike interest because some of the best PLOTS have come from memes. Both have their place, I’m just a tired old man who can’t think of plots much anymore, which is sad because I used to have so many ideas. Whether it’s because I’ve been writing Kaaras for so long that nothing seems new anymore? Or I’m just very tired and my poor, Aspie brain is too filled for new ideas to come in. IDK. But memes are a good way to start things! Also, they can be really random which makes Kaaras react in ways I’m surprised! But once we write a few times, then plots will be sure to come, and I do love discussing them! When I have the brain capacity :(

LONG OR SHORT REPLIES: Unless it’s just short bits of dash commentary or a one-off, I prefer longer threads. It’s difficult for me to delve into anything in a short reply. (Fox pretty much hit the nail on the head, so I’m keeping their response here).

BEST TIME TO WRITE: Whenever I have a day off work. Fridays are generally my best, because I’m home alone and have all the space to myself. Weekends I need to do errands, groceries and like to spend some time with my partner playing games or whatever. Generally speaking, Monday--Thursday I’m pretty dead tired.

ARE YOU LIKE YOUR MUSE(S): In some ways, for sure. We both have very high moral compasses, and we both see people as people. Kaaras has a lot more patience than I do, and is certainly kinder and more forgiving. We are both neurodivergent, and we both require our alone time to recharge. Kaaras is far more poetic than I could ever wish to be, and we’re both very blunt (although Kaaras is better at dealing with confrontation than I am). I would say that we can both be very quick to detatch ourselves from anyone/thing that is toxic as well. Both of us are absolutely fuelled with rage when it comes to seeing innocent people being harmed as well--he definitely gets that from me lol. We both love animals and have farm experience. But we are also VERY different in many ways, too.

Tagged by: @ravusnightblossom Tagging:. @many-tales-told @sunlilted @andrastehope @aylenlavellan @dragonagedmage @wolf-at-worlds-end @wclfdreamt @nehraa-asaaranda and anyone else! Tag me so I can read! <3

#the mod #Dash games #ooc

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misterbitches · 3 years

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Hello! @flootweed replying to the post from before. the long format was killing me. why does tumblr look like this...

I haven’t watched episode 8 yet...or have I? If it’s the most recent one. No.

Is the hornbill a bird? It probably is but I have a terrible memory and I’m dumb so. I skipped the last few weeks because I’m scawwed. How are you liking it? I did see someone say that the hornbill makes sense (without knowing what it is...at all) bc heart transplant patients only live like 5-15 years after but someone in those comments pointed out that he was so young when he got his and that’s pretty rare so he has a higher likelihood of survival. Frankly, this is the only way I will proceed. Since when did shows ever care about the heart transplant health? Never and it needs to stay that way!

What did we think of ep 6? LMAO. I need opinions! And omg it makes me feel special when I can point things out to people because I so...rarely get to LOL. Editing is like one of my favorite things ever so I can be super particular about it but I try to do the thing you do when you’re supposed to see if it works within its context. I’d like to go in with scissors and glue but alas.

THe mic covering....the rustling....it’s like guys...please. Ironically the audio today wasn’t great. I don’t know why. IDK if you watch c-dramas but I am not even sure what’s worse between them because they dub their dramas. But actually no it’s best to have the dubbing because even tho it is painful they have to put a lot of effort into it. LOL.

Right? @ Aey! It’s just weird if they would show us more about what he’s done instead of saying he’s done sth bad and not even explaining that....like you could even do some shitty exposition. I think if he is to be a true villain then we really need to be privvy. All the warnings make it seem like he’s a fuckin’ serial killer so when we get the scene of him at home it’s like....actually this is really serious? Maybe his pain is like...for a reason. Althought you won’t even TELL US WHAT HE’S DONE WRONG BESIDES BE JUST FUCKING WEIRD AND ANNOYING! So from what we have it’s just a realllllllll fucked up sad person lol. god i forgot about the dinner! and i totally agree. he really needs them to succeed. i like your theory because it would make the scene where he like blocks the twitter user make more sense. he also says they dont really know each other etc so it’s realllllyyyyy probable that he just sees it as a way out. if not then we shall pretend u wrote it :)

god yea i wouldnt say it is art but i also guess we technically have to since it is technically. in the way that technically performance artists are artists but mostly i uh technically ignore them. Also one of my fav BLs is called the best twins. If you do not know what it is I will not elaborate further.t

i want to know more abt poli sci majors lmao but they sound DRAMATIC/ hopefully most ppl in ur cohort arent losers!

hahahha i understand. there was just a thing on twitter about DSA and then the day before about reading discourse. the same thiings. over. and over. and over. and over. we are our own worst enemies but also our own best friends? but i hate tankies and that wont change. but hasan’s a decent guy. he said sth abt black ppl during biden’s primaries in GA or whatever and i was like chill. but he’s insecure and has adhd which means ur more open to being wrong and changing otherwise u will suffocate and die.

and totally about hiding fuck ups. i’ve tried really hard bc of organizing IRL to like...be honest, question, etc but also like...approach it naturally? because if you’re trying to be perfect and so worried you’ll fuck up you don’t realize that puts more stress on you, makes you seem like a robot, and could potentially not make you realize the mistkaes you made. also if we’re privileged in certain spaces there is just no possible way we won’t get something wrong. im light and i know that honestly any way to speak up on colorism is going to be difficult and that’s a space where i have power so i just have to figure it out. we should be uncomfortable because we have to sit with unpleasant feelings and sort through our own whatever. that just makes the next time even better and people can trust u more. i think some people sweat it sooo much or maybe they think their personal life and what theyve been through is more the norm? on the other hand people can be sf reactionary in the worst way and idk what their issue is. there was also a user who said sth very inch arresting about tankies which i thoroughly enjoyed (how like violent lefitsts or tankies / ppl who are like ooh a gun whatever just want to be violent in another space so they have shit tendencies from jump and nothing of substance which i think i agree with tbh fo ra lottttt of ppl. like their anger is actually like “no im about to beat that ass” instead of what we actually want to get done)

sort of in the same vein re: taking it easy...we coudl all be more understanding too. to slow it down like you mentioned about not being privvy to fucking eveyrthing and saying anything on our mind. i saw this person talk about y2k which was a huge deal while happening bc it was the turn of the millenium (bruh were u even alive?) but this twitter user grew up in a super super SUPER religious household and was like why do ppl make jokes about Y2K it was insanely traumatizing? though my first instinct was confused ive tried hard to like look more before i judge especially thanks to a friend of mine. turns out that with the further reading the more we found out he was just really traumatized; it was very common in religious households to be afraid of 2000. so we could have come at him with no understanding and he could have thought that everyone had the same experience with that year that he did. his feelings sit precedent though but i think it was just very hard for him to fathom.

i didnt reply bc he didnt need that and what could i have said? he’ll see what the truth is with exposure and unfortunately this was something he really did go through.

and that’s what makes most people think others could be over the top. because it sounded ridiculous but then it was this huge traumatic thing that we could have never known about. so maybe when someone sounds like actually crazy they have an explanation? of course some ppl are just batshit or annoying but that’s anywhere not just leftists it’ just means more i guess when a ~~librul is annoyed~ but it can be easy to want to make fun of ppl too. lmao. basically what i am saying is the internet? especially twitter? for leftists? in this economy? bitch it’s the wild west out here.

i am 29! idk if i said it or not. i am OLD u probably werent even born in the year i was talking about wah. i know not old-old or old at all but compared to you i’m due for a colonoscopy.

omg i hope u can get vaxxed soon! are you wfh rn? i hope ur also not in a bad state as in state state not state as in ur being :| bleh what a fucking time. it sucks that you have to fucking do work. well unless u like school. which i hope u do. i just assume everyone hates it cos i did lmao

was it the lindsay ellis drama? that bitch is dumb. if there was other drama oh wait the drama i was referring to it all happened on the same day. idk book twitter that well but i saw something from someone who was abt that shit and wowie! the american people are not that.....intelligent to put it lightly.

i’ll get better. ppl tell me they miss me and im like aw. i have insanellllyyy bad insomnia and a lot of stuff happened this year HOWEVER I SLEPT FOR TWO DAYS FOR 8 HOURS AT A REASONABLE TIME. im a new woman. anyways you too! i hope ur not too burnt out with school. we just dont know when the burnout is or we just dont know we are burnt out until we are. the panaramiciccici hit and all the things i was ignoring kind of just fell on me and sooo much happened at once. and frankly it’s hard to take care of ourselves. lord.

Like if you aren’t interested in expanding on the issue in a way that hasn’t been done before all you gotta do it like… spread resources and donate if you can. I dont see the point in having to say something about every issue especially if you (not at you specifically just in general) aren’t immediately impacted by the issue. Like is the 14 yr old white marxist named sarah on twitter really gonna have meaningful insight on anti-asian violence ?

this is part of why i cannot telecommunicate. i dont want to do shit on the internet. i am able bodied so i know that this time has been of such ease for other people. but mentally i just can’t. i don’t have a comment on hand like that and i hvae no desire to engage with ppl that way. i am a super super super solitary person but thats bc it’s MY time so when it’s like all this effort with other people i dont ever want to be alone. it’s the same with the way i approach filmmaking. it isnt a sole thing so i hate it not together. that’s part of how u can get so sucked in and repeat doom scrolling. i was in this webinar last may after [redacted] and this black woman prof said “read with a community and talk” because otherwise she said we are torturing ourselves. you can’t carry that weight all on your own. unfortunately i hate zoom, discord, slack, signal, whatsapp, facetime. you name it this panera has made it evi.. L

you make a really excellent point. i think the young young gen zers are really really just interesting because it’s like this whole new world for them with leftist politics and they just can’t grasp the horrors of the world and the kind of freedom being a leftist can bring. and so many people don’t grow out of it. those people so happen to be the “least productive” in terms of how much time they spend IRL withe these issues. naturally, younger kids are gonna have a harder time. they are not as mobile as well so the internet becomes this place. but then it’s this echo chamber. and many times just things posted without sources. and social media NEEDS that to exist.

i think of the irony of leftist kids on tik tok and while i am happy it’s reaching them it’s just....different. very different. the growth of social media is so good but also so fucking sad, it’s too much! i think the point about not writing everything is major. even i have to do this which is part of the disappearing.y ou need to detach and make sure your head is on straight again. but when you think eveyrone has to be privvy to every thought and you can’t just sit back....which twitter and social media doesn’t encourage. you have to join in. that’s often why when i have something to say it is dense because i don’t feel like repeating it. ever. lmao ust ever. i cant pay attn. social media is a fucking minefield for my brain u can get so lost in it and absorb it but once u start talking you may not be able to stop.

i think a big part of that is it not being a leisurely thing but sort of just in our lives always. this sounds like a grandpa rant but ykwim. We dont have to see the same thing over and over again. And eventually it gets sincerely diluted or its diluted bc of capitalism or whatever. Or if theyre very young or maybe they don’t have like the greatest way of sharing the knowledge? then it can be butchered. I hope this is making sense...i’m talking beyoond the boring surface-level milquetoast shit. i see really ahistorical stuff on there from leftists (like this thing about NK + africa and it being a beneficial rship as opposed to a um not beneficial one. and it isn’t. beneficial but this young black girl was talking abt it and noname rtd and i was like it’s just too complex. there’s no good/bad here just bc it’s not america. dont get me started on this.)

but Lol that was kinda off topic but I think what I meant in my last reply about not turning off the voice in my head is about when I consume media, not necessarily when I’m online talking about. Even if I have criticism for something, I’m usually pretty chill when consuming fandom content bc I think being serious online all the time is kinda boring. Like sometimes I’m analyzing theme and shit but really most of the time im memeing.

exactly.........gotta laugh. thats why sometimes im like i cant think lmao. unfrotunately i have been ARGUING with ppl on the internet for rly no reason when i could have replied to ur very nice fun wholesome message. i love torture. i miss memes.

“ i think the people who get the least enjoyment out of that are those so obsessed with getting upset with anyone thinking outside of their lines as if it equates to them “ EXACTLYYYYY

kekekekeke im glad u got it. it’s like with conservatives throwing around snowflake. now im beginning to question who the real complainers are.

LMAO exactlyyyy. i posted a screenshot of this writer from twitter saying that exact thing. Like first of all, I’m...an adult? and if you are as well uh? i’m sorry for you but are we 12? But how is it affecting u this viscerally? And if it does why dont u...do...research? pihgofuaipoajghou but honestly everything u said. we’re trained to go into it with nothing. i was only around ur age when i started to get more serious about this stuff but you’re like lightyears ahead of where i was at 21. did i say this but i’m in iww and literally i can tell u in 2016 i did not think 2019 me would be in a union bc i told my friend in a train station that we don’t need unions. i was 23...but the thing is i didnt know what i was talking about. at all. and i knew i didnt know and she knew i didnt know and now i am the clown.

also yes at critical engagement. i had to learn so much through experience and this is tuff that i coudlnt be shielded from. there’s an empathy you kinda have to develop and this understanding that you move through the world as this person who is “nowhere and everywhere; nothing and everything” so i’ve always had to think about things differently just to survive. that’s also what can drag a lot of people towards it like theres so many black kpop fans bc i think a lot of the pain in SK can be mirrored (sort of) through our history. and theres currently a history now but it had to be forged. uh what was my point oh yea however i wouldnt have been able to move further if i didnt have my background to go off of bc i knew something was off when i started getting into all these things (ill give u a hint) but if i had no prior knowledge and didnt have to think about it then the critical approach is either stale or stupid.

i had to research but i dont understand how ppl are so bold with little to no research and understanding? thhey just inherently know with also like ZERO experience in what they need experience in. engaging critically means “how i see the world” with dashes of trying to be open adn understanding or whatever. actually that’s another thing like being afraid of criticizing things bc theyre foreign to you so u give it a pass (like we discussed) but it doesnt hAVE TO BEEEE JUST REAAAAAD and then take all the info ur teensy brain and apply it. be a normal human being and dont be fucking rude and racist. thats it! u can complain abt literally anything without being a dick.

as we start with LW and end with LW.....what do we think (i asked this already) omg please share wbl thoughts i THINK i know what ur talking about. well it could be two things; their rship when they came back and the physicality and then pei shou yi. i almost dont even want to use my brain to fucking look at that. i think wbl can get away with more bc of visual~*~*~* reasons (like literally, the look of the show. there’s more space to get lost in the frames. many thai dramas are a lot more literal? this isn’t the right word but it’s very heavily character focused particularly bc of $ i think) though good production also underscores flaws so i am also wrong. but like do u know what i mean? u have to kinda focus on it? or maybe it’s just cos like.....ur so used to it in thai bl idek. i’ve seen tw bl ofc.

look i swear i will justify this forever bc there are some things we miss right but if u feel like someone’s a bad actor....theyre bad. it’s about tone movement etc etc etc and since most thai bl productions have 0 interest in that....well. they take these newbies and put them in these situations. we dont understand thai but if we see them and we’re like “wow this is really bad” then they’re bad lmao. IDC i will never be like cos idk what theyre saying NO WHY HE LOOK LIKE A ROBOT???????? DOES HE EMOTE? why is he CRYING WITH NO TEARS? and it’s not even a total requisite to cry with tears(i mean for me it is) but it’s just like what is happening on ur face right now young man????????

painful.

the inflection stuff is very valid ooh good point tho but that’s only a part of the piece. plus we get used to the way they communicate. like the ppl from sotus were prtty bad. i dont like that show but thats an ex of ppl liing the actors and the person i thought was better other ppl dont think that? well apparently hes a shitty guy but. um. so when theres decent acting its so glaring.

although i must say even tho i dont care for 2gether anymore and would never like to be reminded about its existence (only bc i just cringe lol) i honestly....didnt think bright was a bad actor? but people keep saying he is and i am much more inclined to believe them than myself. though i am not often dickmatized that could have been it. until he opened his mouth and ruined it and then i stopped paying attn.

although honestly i’m so much more critical than i could be positive. i have ben stumped for the last day about how i wasnt mad at his acting in the show. is it me? is it him? who’s......the wrong one.....(me)

oh shit they have been denied? i haven’t been paying attn to whats been going on recently. i just got into it on MDL because of snowdrop. sometimes i literally cannot engage bc ill just be like alright well im black so this power button in my head is going off when ppl talk abt that shit. back in the day when kpop jawns were saying some real outta pocket anti black shit (now everyone is slick with it) it’d always be THEY DONT HAVE GOOGLE THEYVE NEVER SEEN A BLACK PERSON but really it’s like no...maybe they are just racist? that’s ok too.

also the past 2 weeks have been um atrocious bc how fucking easily people fell into the pit of white supremacy and started to turn their ire towards black people and making a competition between our groups just like they wanted. it’s not about the women who are dead anymore, who were sex workers, their womanhood, being asian, being poor anymore. it’s about how much black people get attention and why people only pay attn to us. i am not feeling very generous this week for ppl to excuse that hsit.

on a lighter note, ppl say that abt the whole husband and wife thing. i dont know how to explain how angry that shit makes me but maybe it’s because i do not want to think of my body in relation to a fucking penis at all hours of the day. if bls could kindly not do that it would be nice lmao

yes there are a lot of those. who are only there to gawk lmao. and just idk worship bc of the cult of personality thing bc of how weird and open they have to be as actors. some of the others are people who /think/ theyre really smart (i think im asmart but i also think i am very dumb and i have adhd to prove that MEDICALLY!!!) but are actually not? or their observations arent great? or idk if they are they arent interesting? but i think well..........we have more refined palettes :P

jk also theres just different personalities. you and i mesh more bc we have a lot of the same beliefs and are coming from the same place. that makes it easier to understand as well. i really try to remember that but some people are really weird so. again just...the perception of certain things even down to acting skills. but i also dont like.......believe this genre can really do anything at all. on one hand i want them to do it right bc it’s a piece of work so they should. be proud of it. cos most things arent advancing us bc representation and culturalism are a lie bla bla. it’s just that when the depictions are negative or not done well it adds to the problem as opposed to the things that are well done are fairly benign and can’t really pull us back (perf example is the black panther film. i woudl definitely not say it was transgressive as a literal work but visually it’s just stunning. and it’s sad that it’s stunning and surprising but still with basically an all black cast of mostly dark people abd like what it means in the zeitgeist yes. it’s also just a good movie. but it’s still imperialist prop and unfortunately and this is fucking pathetic to say it “opened eyes” in other countries where they hate black ppl and ignore their own racialized minorities HENNYWAYSSSS a better ex is moonlight except moonlight isnt mainstream and is indie tho...still thru a funnel of capital bc a24 but who cares bleed the fuckers dry is my motto. my point is moonlight is both a great work and doesnt bring any failures to the table and its existence helps in ways outside of art but they arent the defining things giving us material advancement sooooo i mean it’s complex (this is my conclusion to everything um guys it’s complex)

er i had one more point in conjunction to above. oh yea so i like dont need all these extra things to make it progressive. like people really want more women in the show and i am honestly like i really dont. i dont want them to actively do this. if they cant do it naturally then let someone else do it. i am not asking for more bc i dont want it from them. when something comes along i embrace it but i do not see why women should be represented when the genre RELIES on patriarchy. there is no complete satisfying existence for the women in these series. i dont want it. i dont ask people to show us~*~* or respect~* like fuck no the people who make it make it and hopefully more will make it in the future but i will not beg bc THEY DONT WANT TO DO IT SO WOULD FORCING IT MAKE IT BETTER? just fucking leave them out entirely. that’s the answer if theyre gonna make nasty female characters then those bitches can geaux. we have other plcaes to be. booked. and. BUSY!

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anthonyed · 4 years

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@justsomeoneunordinary prompted: Oh, and if you'd rather do angst: you intrested in any of those "winter and bucky are separate personalities" headcanons? Maybe smth where there is no bucky anymore, but only winter? No ship, or if you feel like, then buckytony (you know me, lol) bucky just gave up on life, bc he's been too much through. He doesn't feel a need to live anymore and therefore simply "dies". So only winter is left.

(i lost the ask and im on mobile so beware of long post)

tw: suicide, major character death, alcohol

-//-

It goes like this they say;

"This happens sometime," Tony smiles, sure where he stands. He doesn't like the look on Steve's face. Or Pepper or Sam and anyone for that matter. "You know when he spaced out after that mission in Illinois? Yeah, Cap?"

Steve nods. Dead eyes flickering to life. Yes, Tony thinks. Yes. You know what I mean. You know him well. You're his best friend. You know this happens. This is normal.

Except it isn't

Score 1; Denial.

Steve looks like he's sucked a lemon. He's a dead man walking as he steps into Tony's space.

He doesn't see the gauntlet Tony's working on. All he's focused is on telling the truth.

"He's not coming back," he says. His voice is an unrecognizable echo to his own ears. "We've checked with Strange -,"

"Not with Shuri," Tony interrupts dryly, eyes not leaving his task.

Steve takes a deep breath and exhales, "Tony," he sighs, "She was there too. They both said it's gone. Whatever trace of him left in there is gone."

Tony's fingers still. The air thickens and vibrates. It's not safe, something in Steve's hindbrain says. But he doesn't let go.

"It's not your fau -,"

He stumbles back, shocked. His ears are ringing and his eyes blur a bit.

Tony's not looking at him when he says, "Get out."

Steve doesn't fight. He leaves. The hot imprint the size of Iron Man's hand burning on his cheek.

Score 2; Anger.

"I was thinking," Tony begins, a smile on his face as he takes Bucky's hand into his. "We could go to Tokyo this week."

Bucky cocks his head left, and regards their hand.

"You always wanted to see the blossoms right? The flowing river of sakura? I checked the forecast, I'm pretty sure we'd be able to see that this week," he beams at Bucky.

The steak on his plate is untouched. Tony takes it upon himself to slice it into bite sizes. "We can check out all those anime, manga things you're so fond of. And maybe fly to Paris after?" He suggests bashfully, looking at Bucky from under his lashes. "I was thinking… bread and cheese under moonlight and maybe," he coughs, flushing up to his cheeks. "You know…," he shrugs. "I think it's time for me to pop the question." He finishes in a rush. "Get married there and we can go for a honeymoon and -," he runs out of breath.

The steak is all cut up. He pushes the plate in Bucky's direction. He looks at his own and feels bile rising up to his throat.

"Please?" He whispers, so low it's one with the wind.

Cutleries clatter. Bucky's eating. His left hand is still in Tony's clasp.

He's there, Tony thinks. He's right there next to him; eating. But everyone keeps telling him that he's not.

But he's right there.

So he chases that lump into his gut and straightens up. "We'll take a fortnight off. We'll go get married and paint the world red."

Maybe then. Maybe then, you'll come back to me.

Score 3; Bargaining

"Tony," Pepper hisses, her sharp nails are pressing into the crook of his elbow.

"Ow," he cries. "Let me go, claw-girl."

Pepper straightens up, "My apologies," she smiles, bright and remorseful. Then she says, "Excuse us, please," and she drags Tony through a back door.

"I can't Pep," Tony hiccups, "I'm married," he holds up his hand; bright diamond ring sparkling. Pepper looks sad, so Tony crooks a finger and calls her in. Once she's close enough, he whispers into her ear, "Shhh," he slurs, a hiccup bursting through, "Don't tell anyone but my husband is dead."

When he stumbles back, Pepper catches him. "Jesus, Tony," she sniffles. Her eyes are glazed and she keeps blinking them looking up at the ceiling. "God," she breathes.

Tony hiccups, body slanting sideways. The whole world seems to tip on its axis. He whoops at the miracle. Then he doesn't remember what happens.

Later, there's cold metal on the side of his head. The shiver that courses through his body is a comfort he clutches on desperately.

He has soberred enough to know where he is and who he is with. He's repulsed but at the same time, he's got no energy in him to turn away.

"You're not him," he tells the man. Nuzzles into his hips and he fists at the soft cotton clinging onto the body that no longer belongs to his husband, and he sobs, "You're not Bucky."

Score 4; Depression.

The first thing he notes, stepping out of the elevator; red silk shirt clinging onto his weary body as he tosses his suit jacket aside, that the TV is on.

The TV is always on these days. Always.

Tony gulps, chasing his ache with every roll to his sleeves. Until one elbow and then to another side.

"How was your day?" He asks, switching on the light. Another reminder of his new reality; welcome to the darkness that has become his life.

Silence.

"Have you had your dinner?" Tony tries again. He can do this.

1,2; a short shake to the head and Tony breathes.

That tight coil in his chest unravels a little. Not enough to give; to let leave, but enough for him to breath.

He plops on the empty seat next to the man. "I've had a shitty day if you care," he sighs, tipping his head back onto the headrest. Animal Planet is on; a lion stalking its prey.

Uninterested, Tony rolls his head to look at his companion (for life as a matter of fact. The tacky diamond ring in his bedside drawer will tell you that).

Cold grey eyes meet his gaze. Tony puts on a smile. "Does a shitty day warrant a hug?" He asks.

Confusion flickers in them. A slight tip of his head and Tony chokes on a sob he swallows so quickly. He masks it with an awkward laugh and boldy spreads out his arms. "Can I get a hug?" He asks directly. No subtlety. Just easy sentences.

There's more tilt to the head, but the longer Tony keeps his arms open, the nearer he comes. Closer and closer until -

It's not a hug. But it's something.

It's enough.

"Thank you," Tony sniffles, rubbing his nose and turning away. His heart aches everyday. But lesser and lesser and -

"It's not your fault, Tony."

"I don't understand. We were planning to get married. He was - ," Was he really? "- so happy."

He doesn't understand, never will understand. But there's no point to it. This is his life now; dark or dull, there's a man by side who's a shadow of someone he loves. He doesn't know this guy. But, he's willing to learn.

Pulling out the take out menus, Tony begins flipping through. He pauses at the chinese one; the letters fading from overuse. One particular order is completely faded out but Tony knows it by heart. It's Bucky's favourite. How can he not.

He puts it away. "How about Pizza?" He asks Winter. "You can choose the toppings." He throws a smile at him and receives a shrug for an answer.

Moving on.

Score 5; Acceptance.

#buckytony #bucky x tony #winteriron #tw: suicide #tw: major character death #long post #starkbucks #mine #is this even angst? *confused otter noise*#tw: alcohol

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stumpyjoepete · 4 years

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One of the controversial things we did with Signal early on was to build it as an unfederated service. Nothing about any of the protocols we’ve developed requires centralization; it’s entirely possible to build a federated Signal Protocol-based messenger, but I no longer believe that it is possible to build a competitive federated messenger at all.

In some circles, this has not been a popular opinion. When someone recently asked me about federating an unrelated communication platform into the Signal network, I told them that I thought we’d be unlikely to ever federate with clients and servers we don’t control. Their retort was “that’s dumb, how far would the internet have gotten without interoperable protocols defined by 3rd parties?”

I thought about it. We got to the first production version of IP, and have been trying for the past 20 years to switch to a second production version of IP with limited success. We got to HTTP version 1.1 in 1997, and have been stuck there until now. Likewise, SMTP, IRC, DNS, XMPP, are all similarly frozen in time circa the late 1990s. To answer his question, that’s how far the internet got. It got to the late 90s.

That has taken us pretty far, but it’s undeniable that once you federate your protocol, it becomes very difficult to make changes. And right now, at the application level, things that stand still don’t fare very well in a world where the ecosystem is moving.

Indeed, cannibalizing a federated application-layer protocol into a centralized service is almost a sure recipe for a successful consumer product today. It’s what Slack did with IRC, what Facebook did with email, and what WhatsApp has done with XMPP. In each case, the federated service is stuck in time, while the centralized service is able to iterate into the modern world and beyond.

So while it’s nice that I’m able to host my own email, that’s also the reason why my email isn’t end-to-end encrypted, and probably never will be. By contrast, WhatsApp was able to introduce end-to-end encryption to over a billion users with a single software update. So long as federation means stasis while centralization means movement, federated protocols are going to have trouble existing in a software climate that demands movement as it does today.

Early on, I thought we’d federate Signal once its velocity had subsided. Now I realize that things will probably never slow down, and if anything the velocity of the entire landscape seems to be steadily increasing.

XMPP is an example of a federated protocol that advertises itself as a “living standard.” Despite its capacity for protocol “extensions,” however, it’s undeniable that XMPP still largely resembles a synchronous protocol with limited support for rich media, which can’t realistically be deployed on mobile devices. If XMPP is so extensible, why haven’t those extensions quickly brought it up to speed with the modern world?

Like any federated protocol, extensions don’t mean much unless everyone applies them, and that’s an almost impossible task in a truly federated landscape. What we have instead is a complicated morass of XEPs that aren’t consistently applied anywhere. The implications of that are severe, because someone’s choice to use an XMPP client or server that doesn’t support video or some other arbitrary feature doesn’t only affect them, it affects everyone who tries to communicate with them. It creates a climate of uncertainty, never knowing whether things will work or not. In the consumer space, fractured client support is often worse than no client support at all, because consistency is incredibly important for creating a compelling user experience.

For example, even GitHub has problems with consistency and control right now. They introduced issue templates, but a number of third-party GitHub clients don’t support them, so even after creating a thorough issue template for the Signal Android repository, we still get people who post “it doesn’t work please help,” because their client never even showed them the template. That makes me annoyed with GitHub, even though I use the official GitHub clients. It’s a potential opportunity for a GitHub competitor that can display issue templates consistently.

One potential benefit of federation is the ability to choose what provider gets access to your metadata. However, as someone who self-hosts my email, that has never felt particularly relevant, given that every email I send or receive seems to have Gmail on the other end of it anyway. Federated services always seem to coalesce around a provider that the bulk of people use, with a long tail of small scattered self-hosting across the internet. That makes sense, because running a reliable service isn’t easy, but it’s an outcome that is sadly the worst of both worlds.

If anything, protecting metadata is going to require innovation in new protocols and software. Those changes are only likely to be possible in centralized environments with more control, rather than less. Just as making the changes to consistently deploy end-to-end encryption in federated protocols like email has proved difficult, we’re more likely to see the emergence of enhanced metadata protection in centralized environments with greater control.

On some level, federation is appealing precisely because it does freeze protocols in time. It’s great when centralized clients and servers roll out features that benefit us, but they could just as easily roll out features that don’t. Federation gives us more collective control over what changes we accept, but that comes with an unacceptable inability to adapt.

Given that federated services always seem to coalesce around a provider that the bulk of people use, federation becomes a sort of implicit threat. Nobody really wants to run their own servers, but they know that it might be possible if their current host does something egregious enough to make it worth the effort.

However, over the past six years, we’ve also seen the user cost of switching between centralized communication services reduced substantially, particularly given the tendency towards addressing with user-owned identifiers like phone numbers. The device’s address book is now the social network, so using phone numbers as an identifier has reduced switching costs by putting a user’s social network under their control. In a way, the notification center on a mobile device has become the federation point for all communication apps, similar to how older desktop IM clients unified communication across multiple IM networks.

The effect has been visible in the messaging space, where market leaders have come and gone, new popular apps come out of nowhere, and even the most successful players seem compelled to continue iterating and improving their services as quickly as possible.

This reduced user friction has begun to extend the implicit threat that used to come with federated services into centralized services as well. Where as before you could switch hosts, or even decide to run your own server, now users are simply switching entire networks. In many cases that cost is now much lower than the federated switching cost of changing your email address to use a different email provider.

An open source infrastructure for a centralized network now provides almost the same level of control as federated protocols, without giving up the ability to adapt. If a centralized provider with an open source infrastructure ever makes horrible changes, those that disagree have the software they need to run their own alternative instead. It may not be as beautiful as federation, but at this point it seems that it will have to do.

#interesting take #security

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matteredloyaltyaa · 4 years

Text

NAV.

GOOGLE DOC (RULES/ABOUT/VERSES).

PLOTTING FORM. HEADCANONS. WISHLIST.

Tumblr mobile friendly version of my rules under the read-more.

DISCLAIMER:

I do not claim to own or have created this character, though the headcanon posts you see here are of my own interpretation of this character and events. I am private and selective, meaning that I only write with mutuals (those who I follow and who follow me in return), and tend to watch who I follow back and/or write with for my own comfort. However, my askbox is open to everybody if you wish to talk to me or the character on this blog, but I may not answer everything put in there.

PASSWORDS:

Due to my social anxiety, I don't have a password in these rules, nor do I send them in. I read everybody's rules and pages before following and usually before interacting.

ACTIVITY:

This is my main blog, which means that I am on it most of the time. However, I do suffer from some mental disorders, namely anxiety, depression, and OCD. These tend to affect how I interact ooc and can make me overly distant sometimes, and it's usually nothing anybody has done to me but my own mind running off on it's own about things. So, I do apologize for that. I may be absent from blogs during bad periods or make a couple posts here and there that I always delete after an hour or two stating that I'm in a bad way. Everything will be tagged.

HIGH HONOR:

Please note that I base my characterization off my raw play of this game, in which Arthur is HIGH HONOR and you may see more of that toward the end of his main verse. However, I still play him as a morally grey individual, especially as he’s trying to find his own mind on things in a way, but ultimately he leans more toward honorable moral choices (or what are considered honorable for the life he leads). He will do both good and bad things. At his point in time, I’m not exactly leaning towards adding a low honor verse, as his portrayal within the fandom has turned me off completely and after playing that route myself, I don’t really see much reason to. However, that may change if I end up finding a way to put a spin to that.

BLOG & PERSONAL TRIGGERS:

Please note that I don't have many triggers myself outside of suicide and overly anxiety inducing content (jumpscares, purposely paranoia inducing posts, etc).

There are some themes that I would like to avoid writing about in detail or at all. Namely, I WILL NOT write out anything like incest (the John/Arthur ship tends to fall into this category for me, along with Arthur/Dutch and Arthur/Hosea, so I will say that it's a NOTP for me), abuse (outside of mentions in regards to backstory, all forms), pedophilia, and rape. Also, I should note on a personal side that pregnancy can make me a little uncomfortable due to some gender stuff with me. I don't mind mentioning it, nor do I mind parental relationships when it comes to Arthur and sometimes outright adopting children in certain verses, but threads and interactions solely based off pregnancy can make me uncomfortable. It's difficult to explain but I would like to avoid it. Really, when in doubt, just ask.

This blog does and may contain triggering material, due to the nature of this game and the character. The biggest ones that will be present here are violence, guns/shooting, crime, and illness. I should also note that, due to the fact that this game takes place in 1899, there may be some triggers related to the views of this time period. Arthur himself is rather progressive and doesn't hold those views himself, but that doesn't mean the people around him don't and may be referenced in threads. Everything will be tagged as I catch it and where needed.

SPOILERS:

This game has been out for at least a year now. I will not be tagging for spoilers anymore, so please follow or read at your own risk if you are working through the game for the first time.

WRITING, SPEED, and NSFW:

My general writing style is paragraph/paragraphs. I don't mind one-liners but I usually only reserve those for starters that I’m writing and I tend to expand on the length of those as I go. I format my posts, mostly just some minimal spacing, small text (not sub), and all-caps words, bold, and italic usage. If this bothers anybody or makes it hard to read, please let me know and I can continue our thread in a non-formatted way. I also use icons, but I will follow my partner's lead on iconless rps. I can also be a little long-winded with my replies but you aren't obligated to match that. As long as I don't get like three sentences back to five paragraphs, we're all good.

I'm a slow rper. It may take me a day or two to get around to things, both asks, threads, and messages. I don't mind a nudge here and there but if it feels like you're pressuring me, I will warn you and block if it continues.

I'm 24, the muse is 36 in his main verse. We are both over the age in regards to nsfw. Smut is kind of rare for me and I don't do it often on Tumblr, however if we're in a ship and you want to write that over Discord, I may be open to it. That said, too, I will ONLY write nsfw with people and muses who are OVER 18. There is no exception to this. That noted, too, Arthur's in his 30's so a massive age gap may not appeal to him much either.

SHIPPING:

I’m going to sound like a hardass but: I am a highly selective shipper on here, and the ships that do appear on this blog are ones I have had for quite some time. Everything of a romantic nature will need to be discussed with me and the chemistry has to be there for me to agree to shipping. I’m not an insta-shipper, nor am I accepting to pre-established romantic relationships outside of those in canon. They will need to be discussed with me like every other ship and may be subject to me disagreeing to do it. Otherwise, I am multi-ship, despite being highly selective, and I’m fine with discussing them but please be aware of this.

FOLLOWING, DRAMA, AND DUPLICATES:

I will usually give someone a day or two of active posting after following before I unfollow if I don't receive one back. I don't mean anything personal by that, I'm simply making sure I don't accidentally like or send anything in if we aren't mutuals. That said, too, I am selective with who I do follow. If you're a sideblog and you don't have that blog easily accessible on your main blog or you don't message me about it, I'm likely going to miss it. I don't follow rp blogs that are run more like personals if only to keep my dash slower. Also, generally, if our writing styles don't mesh, you're rude to me, or you post nasty things, I will likely unfollow/block/or not follow back.

I don’t interact with or reblog callout posts. I don't have great patience with ooc drama and will likely unfollow if there is a lot of it being posted by you.

Following and being followed by duplicates (other Arthurs) is completely fine with me. However, with the mentality sometimes, I won't go out of my way to follow first if only to avoid making anybody uncomfortable by me doing so. I'm also non-exclusive for general interactions, so multiples of the same character I am fine with. I may take mains, however, which means these blogs get priority over plots and focus in headcanons, etc.

CROSSOVERS AND ORIGINAL CHARACTERS:

I'm crossover friendly so long as I know the character/fandom. That said, if I just can't get into it or make it fit, I won't force it.

I love original characters and you guys are cool with me, however I do need to see at least some stats or a verse we can interact in before I follow/follow back. I'm also fine with your OC knowing Arthur in their backstory but, again, romantic stuff needs to be talked over with me first.

STARTER CALLS:

I've found that I don't enjoy doing starter calls. I may do them here and there when the urge strikes, but the best way to interact with me is to message me or continuing memes sent or sent to me. I'm also more than happy to like other starter calls, too, if you want to throw them my way.

QUESTIONS?:

No. Go away. >:(

I’m kidding. Just drop me a message, I’ll get back to you. I also have a Discord available to mutuals, if that’s what you prefer. I promise I’m not as much as a hard ass as these rules make me seem.

ABOUT THE MUN:

Hey! Thank you for reading these if you do. A little introduction here: my name is Rory, I'm 25, Canadian and operate mostly out of the GMT-7 time zone. Though, I tend to post at odd hours so that may not be too noticeable. I'm nonbinary and I prefer they/them. I'm a full time university student, which means that I may disappear when studies pile up or my time is divided. That said, I do enjoy talking to people when I'm able. My IMs and Discord are always available to mutuals, just drop me a message.

#failed: rory has died . || ooc .#;pinned #[Figured I could do a more mobile friendly thing on here to pin #or more mobile friendly to Tumblr lol]#/// long post #[I hope the readmore works on the dash rn #if not I'm sorry]

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ditheringluminary · 4 years

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oops, sorry, i sent a full ask initially, but it seems to have cut off for some reason? the prospitians are a rogue of light, knight of doom, maid of life, page of rage, & bard of space. dersites are a thief of void, prince of hope, seer of breath, witch of blood, & mage of time. i know theres a few tricky ones in there! a bit of story context, the witch & thief are sorta vying for control during the game, both trying to use the seer’s powers for their own gain. thoughts? thanks a lot

Well you have a time and space player, but one is a bard and the other is a mage. I'm not sure if having something to initiate the scratch is something expressly "beneficial" for someone, but i can already feel like itll be a tad more difficult than normal. Still, there's always a shot!

Rogue of Light: Your session's greatest resource will be Light. Knowledge, luck, and fortune! Or... a lack thereof. Basically your session will be relying pretty heavily on luck in some way, or relying on the discovery and information the players collect.

Knight of Doom: Your session doesn't have enough Doom. I've gotten this one before, and its kinda tricky! Given that you have a Maid of Life, that means that something related to Life will harm your session, and so this player makes more sense. Gotta have someone to offset whatever tyrant is on its way.

Maid of Life: As said above, something related to Life will harm your session. This was seen in canon with Jane, as the Condesce was the negative force of Life that invaded the session (remember the condesce is just post scratch Meenah, a Life player). You could experience something like that, or something like trickster mode could suddenly dunk up your session (as it was seen to be very lifey, completing janes quest of reviving her planet).

Page of Rage: Your session's end reward will be Rage! How weird! I guess this would be taking the "Truth" aspect of Rage, where all that knowledge and fortune from the Rogue of Light will culminate into some big discovery. At the end of the session, you'll suddenly understand everything! Of course, if you ARE just leading to another session (like how the trolls did when Bec noir arrived), then its possible that all you win is the confusion and negative emotions from Rage, as you are continuing onward and havent really "won" yet.

Bard of Space: Your session's greatest challenge will be Space. Something "passive" and dormant is likely waiting to gank all your lives. Ready to greatly impact physical space and make things just a general hassle. This can take the form of things being destroyed to keep from travelling to places, or just restricting mobility in other ways. Either that, or the session is simply plagued with loneliness, as Space often inflicts.

Thief of Void: Your session will have nothing taken from it! Normally i'd substitute "mystery" for Void, and really i could by saying the Rogue of Light shows that you'll """take""" mystery with discovery, but thats stupid! Your session will mostly remain intact. Not to say victory is immediate, but just that you wont have one aspect stolen from you selfishly.

Prince of Hope: Your session has too much Hope. A common aspect for a session that seems like its just SET to win. I see this less as a foretelling of a future threat, and just that your players will get through pretty much all of their session breezing through it, before having that happiness and stride shoved back in their face. Could also connect with the Page of Rage. You have Hope/delusion destroyed by the Prince and have it replaced with the end reward of Rage and truth.

Seer of Breath: Your players will try to win through Breath. Given your information, this is representative of the player themselves! The Thief and Witch trying to control the Seer's Breath powers of Impact to win is foretold in their own classpect! Even if this isnt how everyone on the team tries to win directly, it seems to take center stage and as such is the point to focus on. The Seer foretells their own strife and strategy.

Witch of Blood: Your players want to win Blood. They want bonds and togetherness. Seen in the Bard of Space, loneliness may plague your session. The players want to change/dispel this loneliness and be closer together.

Mage of Time: Your session's theme will be Time. Countdowns, things constantly on the verge of destruction or already being destroyed, and possibly deaths all throughout (though the last one is sort of nullified with the Knight of Doom). Basically you'll know a lot about Time, sure, but at a pretty bad cost of having to EXPERIENCE all of its effects. All of em.

Warnings: A Seer being able to see the impact things have on the game is a pretty powerful thing (whether or not thats the power you were mentioning, im just speculating :B). I think if either the Witch or Thief had it it wouldn't end well. Aside from... controlling people being bad Thieves are notoriously dangerous (no offense thieves) and often have morally-gray plans. Witches are less bad, but they have an issue with the general boundaries/consent of others for the sake of breaking the rules (fef keeping sea creatures in cages "for their own good", for example). A Bard of Space is likely to fail making the genesis frog, especially with a Knight of Doom as their right hand man (most of the Doom bound are fated to suffer from failure, and especially at pivotal moments).

Goodies: Don't need to worry so much about doomed timelines affecting you, as the Mage should have enough knowledge to assure no one's time travelling willy nilly. The Prince of Hope and the Page of Rage seem to have an equilibrium going on, where the Prince destroys the excess Hope and the Page fills it with Rage/truth. Just make sure to not do too much of that, either. Being lucky has shown to be especially advantageous in Homestuck, so a Rogue of Light spreading that around is especially fortunate!

Your session checks out! Don't count on the frog breeding working out first time (but really who DOES its never that easy is it) and just watch out for whatever Space thing is going to hit the players, be it loneliness or a real physical force.

#bard of space #seer of breath #mage of time #witch of blood #thief of void #prince of hope #page of rage #rogue of light #maid of life #knight of doom #homestuck classpect #homestuck #session analysis #homestuck session

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gotatext · 4 years

Text

hllo ! i’m nora ( she / her, 24, gmt ) crawling back to this rp once more like the dirty sewer slug i am !! i just can’t get enough, baybeyyy ! u may remember me frm such roles as alma putnam, rory bergstrom, bridget matusiak or greta o’driscoll 2 name jst a few.... sure there were more over these long years, bt the show must go on.... this is mimi, she’s dogmatic, tenacious n single-minded 2 the point of recklessness, she doesn’t like handouts n she’s funding her degree through her onlyfans account n moaning abt shit on tiktok. we love 2 see it !! slam that like button n i’ll creep into ur DMs like the slippery worm i am OR u can discord me at that bitch carole baskin#8664. a humble pinterest.

『ALEXA DEMIE ❙ CIS-FEMALE 』 ⟿ looks like MIMI MARTÍNEZ is here for HER SOPHOMORE year as an ARCHITECTURE AND SOCIAL ANTHROPOLOGY student. SHE is 22 years old & known to be STRONG-WILLED, GOAL-ORIENTED, ARROGANT & EASILY BORED. They’re living in MORIS, so if you’re there, watch out for them. ⬳ nora. 24. gmt. she/her.

this is p embarassing but i actually originally wrote mimi for a discord rp based around love island asgjag dont laugh at me but it was so chaotic n someone deleted it w-out telling any of us so i lost her bio.... all her threads....e verythin.... it was mad. but anyway we startin from scratch w this intro so bare with

mimi is a really extra character so when trying to flesh her out i thot of the most extra thing i could do n made a colour coded mindmap with watercolour paints detailing her values, aesthetics and early life. shoot me

background: she grew up in a trailer home in boulder city, abt half an hour from vegas. her mom had worked in a vegas casino for most of her 20s but relocated to boulder city for a slower pace of life / lower crime rate when she started having kids. mimi has 2 older brothers n she’s the youngest. has that invulnerable younger sibling complex n basically thinks nothing can touch her. very confident in her own intelligence and her ability to get shit done

has mexican ancestry on her mom’s side. doesn’t know her dad. was raised with spanish catholic principals n found it all very stained glass windows and extra n that’s why she was kinda drawn to the decadence of vegas and all these massively high key aesthetics, like dia de les muertos was her fave thing growin up just bcos the pure feel of the festival and painting a sugar skull on her face n being able to party on the streets in a flower crown where everyone was kinda anonymous but together in this celebration

in boulder city her mom worked as a carer as there’s a lot of retirees there. mimi really resented the slow pace of life, longed for some fucking energy n life. she was a cheerleader in school but outside of school there wsn’t much to do except practise stunts and go on bike rides. occasionally they’d get dressed up and catch a bus to henderson, the next biggest city for them to get tht sweet night life

her teenage years consisted mostly of hanging around the renovated motel blocks used as housing projects n tanning by the pool. very florida project if you’ve seen that. she reminds me a lot of the mum in that. also she started working as an avon rep going door-to-door when she was 16 bcos she wanted to have her own income. like as young as 14 she’d decided she was smart enough to go to college but she didn’t have the money n her family didn’t really see it as a worthwhile thing, her mom was very like the mom from matilda “you chose books.... i chose looks!” which i think is where a lot of mimi’s more shallow / appearance-driven traits come from

wasn’t really ‘cool’ until high school. before that she was a bit of a lisa simpson type. won a spelling bee when she was 9. was in the mathletes squad in middle school. when she went from middle school to high school she started cheer and tried to reinvent herself basically. always been very concerned with social mobility and keen to socially climb, like when she enters a new situation she’ll find out who the alphas are and quickly try n befriend them

when she turned 18 she moved out and went to vegas despite her mom hating the idea bcos it was everything she’d tried to get her kids away from. she worked in the clubs there for several years as a shot girl, a table dancer, n eventually she started workin behind the bar in a strip club. in the club it ws really hard to resist becoming a dancer bcos of the sheer amount they made in tips. no one really pressured her into it she just eventually decided tht it was way more logical to do it while she was young n fit and had the stamina and ppl were willing to pay to see her body so she started taking pole fitness lessons. she also started working as a cam girl around this time

working in vegas strip clubs is basically whats paid for uni. like she didn’t go at 18 like most of her friends did bcos she didn’t have the money and she didn’t want to feel indebted to a college like she had to compete for her place and not put a toe out of line bcos she was on a scholarship. she was determined to pay her own way and it took 4 years of working really hard and saving n even tho she was working in vegas she basically never went out bcos every penny she had needed to go on uni n thts how we get to radcliffe baybeeyy

part 2 - interior / values / personality

values: the aesthetic !! literally loves the aesthetic so much. everything she owns is super embellished, she’s a pop socket gal, her dell laptop is covered in glitzy stickers, she always has acrylics n probs makes nail art videos on tiktok. really tuned into tiny details like painting a little hello kitty above her eye which translates into her degree when she’s doing small-scale mockups of town plans n stuff... she jst puts so much detail into them. ppl often get surprised when she tells them she does architecture but it makes so much sense bcos she grew up in a trailer park n was always thinking about ways the space could be more efficiently used, like she loves re-conceptualising neighbourhoods, definitely spent hours on sims as a kid. she also grew up near hoover dam n so loads of school trips they just took them there n she was like.... this is tight but it could be cooler.... where’s the passion....

massively into photography, has such a neat instagram feed like everything just compliments the tones in the next post like mMMM. idk if any of u know any architecture students but this is literally the one constant i can find…. like they all have super good instagrams feeds. is that bitch that will take 40 fake candids of u in a row at different angles to get u the perfect profile picture cos she understands the importance of marketing urself and having an online #brand

has wire rimmed glasses that she doesn’t need to see BUT they r like a magnifying glass for when she’s working with really small materials to do a mock up of an urban plan, and also just sometimes wears them for the aesthetic bc she’s such a pinterest bitch

assassination nation is such a big mood. literally the aesthetics of that and lily colson’s whole brand of feminism and nudity not being inherently sexual but at the same time wanting to profit off that bcos why the fuck shouldnt she use a corrupt system to her advantage is incredibly mimi

literally a human personification of a bratz doll both in attitude and fashion sense

somehow simultaneously gansey in the raven cycle AND elle woods in legally blonde? the two genders

values cont bc i started rambling: her independence and freedom. being the best at any given task she sets her mind to accomplish because she is unable to accept failure. social mobility. sexual liberation. interested in the psychology of sub-cultures and how ppl form groups and interact w each other and cult identities which is why she minors in anthropology. pro-choice. pro-weed legalisation. pro-sex worker rights. very activist.

aesthetics tht remind me of her: von dutch. a strappy cami top that says ‘please do not do coke in the bathroom’. low-waisted jeans that show off her belly button piercing. acrylic nails tapping against a heavily embellished second-hand dell laptop. heart shaped sunglasses in every colour. translucent stripper heels with barbie doll heads and plastic spiders in the heel. spraying champagne you cant afford all over the walls. narcotics in a heart shaped locket. an amazon wishlist full of lingerie linked on your tinder profile. sex tapes recorded on VCR. a religious devotion to waxing clinics. necking shots like you were born to do it.

she’s an enfj type which makes her pretty charismatic and confidence, like she has a fierce kind of energy to her, but she’s also super unwilling to accept criticism, dogmatic and can only really see her own way of thinking, quite ruthless when it comes 2 other ppls emotions despite having a poor control of her own and being prone to turbulence / throwin a bitch fit in the craft lab. easily bored. competitive. self-assured to the point of arrogance. forceful. adaptable. usually more rational than emotional but occasionally loses the ability to make rational decisions when blinded by a need for perfectionism.

very goal-oriented. money motivates her. money and clothes. she wants to look bomb while earning big bucks. when she gets her mind set on a project it literally consumes her she will forget to eat and sleep? i don’t know her. like when a final design project is due for architecture she’ll be up all night doing adderall and speed to keep her awake working on the placement of a single tree for ages cos its gotta be perfect

loves chaos. will spill your secrets and pretend it was an accident. will always be that gif of kim kardashian sipping her tea while drama unfolds around her. lives for the drama like that gifset of bratz when she comes running and gets her phone out to record a fight.

im makin her sound like a really bad person but hopefully she’ll be somewhat likeable she can be very charismatic and endearing and she’s naturally quite funny. also now she’s finally in college and doesn’t have to worry so much about money she actually allows herself to party n bcos she denied herself of it for so long she kinda makes up for it by going p wild like will be the girl climbing on to stage to crowd surf at gigs or doing a summersault off the bar and being escorted out by bouncers, thats the energy were looking at, pure dionysian hedonistic impulse

really gd at talking her way out of shit like parking fines. so good at being an ‘im baby’ girl and often dumbs herself down to figures of authority to appear less like a threatening ball-breaker and more like a confused fiat 500 girl who didn’t know red meant stop she thought it meant slow down

listens almost exclusively to female artists. has fergalicious on repeat when she does squats infront of the mirror n just the biggest fergie stan. also lana del rey’s whole vibe is massive mimi energy

ok ya thats all i have for now..... hopefully this is somewhat coherent and not just garbage.

#radintro #plot w me bitches #im fun n love quarantine sadness

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nekoabiwrites · 5 years

Text

It’s (Im)possible

So, @not-so-innocent-bi-sander and I were doing a thing where we randomly generated a couple of numbers and used those to grab a couple prompts from two different lists. It was fun to theorise about the fics we could write, and then... I wrote one :)

It’s kinda sad, but it resolves at the end!

AU: Mutant Pairing: Roceit Words: 1395 Warnings: Implication of prior sex, implication of casual sex, mention of fuckbuddies, deceit is here. Anything else, please let me know!

Summary: Declan (Deceit) is feeling some stuff for his “friend”, yet he knows that because of what he is... he could bring him down forever.

---

Declan sat on the edge of the bed, the sheets pooling around his waist as he listened to the sound of the shower running in the other room. He caught sight of the somewhat familiar red and white jacket hanging on the handle of his slightly ajar bedroom door and an ache punctured his heart. He was still entirely naked, deep in thought. He had barely moved since his par- friend had left to shower.

“So, I’ll see you again soon?”

A voice broke Declan out of his reverie. He looked up at the man before him, fully dressed, bag in hand, ready to leave the house once more. Declan felt tears welling up but managed to drag a smile onto his face instead.

“Yeah, of course. Just message whenever…”

Declan’s eyes dropped back down to the floor. He waited to hear the footsteps taking that all-too familiar route out of his house. He waited to hear the door shut behind the man leaving him alone once more. He didn’t expect to feel the mattress beside him dip with more weight. Declan’s eyes flicked up to his side, catching the relaxed gaze of the other man who was looking at him.

“What’s wrong?” He asked, cautiously resting his now empty hand on Declan’s covered leg in a show of comfort.

“Nothing is wrong, Roman.” Declan retorted, a little too harsh and snappy, though it was clear Roman didn’t take offense from the inflection.

Roman instead moved the hand and rested it around Declan’s bare shoulders, his fingers brushing against the scales that trailed down that side of his body. “You can tell me anything, y’know? We are still friends.” It was said playfully, but the final words had Declan’s body tensing and his body threatening to release the tears that were just about being contained.

“Everything is fine. Nothing has changed.”

“I never said anything had changed.” Roman paused and his loose arm threatened to fall from Declan’s shoulders, “Do you not want to be friends, Dee?”

“No! I do, I just-!” Declan scrambled, doing his best to assure his friend. Yes, his feelings had progressed far beyond friendship at this point, but it wasn’t worth ruining what they currently had by bringing it up. Declan was doing a damn fine job of repressing all of that until today. He was content with laying in his room after Roman left and crying for an hour before picking himself back up. It was… not ideal. But it was the best solution.

“May I be frank with you?” Roman asked suddenly. Declan warily side-eyed his friend but nodded slowly regardless in response. “Over these past few months, I have realised that our relationship has… changed in my mind.” Declan tensed and dropped his head, readying himself for the inevitable response that he’d heard so many times. He was ready to be left alone again. But Roman surprised him. “My feelings are somehow far stronger for you. I feel a connection so much deeper than anything I have felt before, and I wasn’t sure how to act upon it. I wanted to ensure that I didn’t lose you as a friend, but I feel like today is the perfect opportunity to tell you all of this. And to ask you to try dating, with me.”

The scaled man grimaced. One of his hands was now grasped between both of Roman’s and the man was looking at him with starry eyes, as if he already knew the answer Declan wanted to say. He wanted to agree and live a life with Roman… but that was not going to happen.

“What you just asked for… is impossible, Roman.” Declan muttered, tears finally welling up in his eyes.

“What do you mean? It’ll be fine, we can do this! I know it’ll be hard; your mutation isn’t exactly subtle but-”

“I can’t do this to you.”

“What?”

“I can’t put this on you, Roman.” Declan turned slightly, putting his other hand atop Roman’s and avoiding eye contact entirely by staring at the pile of them. “I can’t burden you with all of what I endure. I would not be alright with letting you drop your career and social standing just for me. It would not be fair for me to do that to you, Roman. We should… stay as we are.”

“But-”

“No buts! I would not be able to live knowing I was the reason for your downfall! You’re an up-and-coming solo artist who everyone adores! You can’t be seen dating a mu-” Declan faltered, “someone, like me.”

“That’s it? It’s all on you?”

“Roman, that’s not what I-”

“Did you ever stop to think about what I want, Declan? Did it ever cross your mind that I was okay with all of that?” Roman ripped his hands from Declan’s loose grasp and grabbed a hold of his face, bringing up so close to his own to forcibly show the scaled man every single drop of determination that was pouring from his eyes, “All of that is unimportant. I don’t care about the fame, the money, the career. I would rather have that one person I deeply care for and who care for me the same, than be surrounding by people who pretend to. Please, at least let us try.”

The pair continued to go back and forth for minutes on end, neither budging from their position on the matter. Roman was slowly getting more and more frustrated, while Declan was getting progressively more distressed and upset. It was a stalemate that was only going to be broken by…

Declan shook his head again, fighting hard to stop the tears that had begun to roll down his cheeks. “No. Roman. I can’t. It’s my final answer.”

“Fine. Then I’m done.” Roman stood sharply, grabbing a hold of his bag. He stormed through the bedroom door and slammed it shut behind him, before doing the same to the front door.

The sound echoed through the space, both of them hitting Declan like a punch to the gut. He sat, motionless, his eyes wide. Thoughts raced through his head. He was truly alone again. He had no one. Roman was the only person who he spoke to, the only one who cared. Tears silently slid down his cheeks for a moment before Declan grabbed a hold of his head and screamed in anguish.

Beyond the front door, Roman heard it. He had not left just yet. Something inside of him wasn’t letting him. A part of him truly believed that Declan would come and give in to his true feelings; both of them had been aware of the mutant’s feelings for a while now. All the talk of society and the populace’s opinions had angered Roman, but it was all slowly dripping away as the rain pelted against his skin. Roman’s own tears mixed with the rain drops as he waited, his back resting against the door.

After a few minutes of listening to the loud sobbing, Roman couldn’t bear it anymore and slowly began the walk to his car. He was lost in his thoughts, so much so that he didn’t hear the splashing of pounding footsteps approaching. It meant that when something latched onto him from behind, the man was given a shock. He turned and was surprised to find the still sobbing Declan holding onto him so tightly, as if he were his only lifeline.

Roman’s bag was dropped as he wrapped his own arms around the scaled man, who was slowly falling to his knees in the dirt beneath them. Neither cared about the mess, as Declan was busy rambling to Roman about how he was sorry, how he didn’t want to lose him, how much he loved him and how long it had been. Roman was quiet and listened, doing his best to cover Declan from the pouring rain with his body as the only thing the scaled man was wearing was his dressing gown, which – Roman knew from experience – was not all that thick. Eventually, Roman managed to quieten Declan a little, rocking the mutant very slightly to calm him the tiniest amount.

“It’s okay. We’ll work this out, alright?” Roman spoke softly into Declan’s hair, arms tightening for a moment. Declan only nodded against the other man’s chest, still sobbing violently in the pouring rain.

---

My other stuff: http://nekoabi.tumblr.com/myworks Mobile Accessible Masterlist: http://nekoabi.tumblr.com/post/181954641376/fic-masterlist

General Tag List: @not-so-innocent-bi-sander @didsomeonesayprince @llamaly @justanotherpurplebutterfly @iaminmultiplefandoms @ultimate-queen-of-fandoms2 @lowkeyvirgilobsessed @louisthewarlock @fangsandrainbows @xxladystarlightxx @sleepyssnail @ao-koshka @notalwaysthevillian @pumpkinminette @doces-e--tuga @coloursintheblur @safesandersides

#Sanders Sides #Fanfiction #Roceit #Roman Sanders #Deceit Sanders #Creativity Sanders #It's (Im)possible #Fuckbuddies falling in love #what a good trope #Mutant AU

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star-trek-bingo · 4 years

Note

Yo i am interested but the links to FAQ and Rules dont work, are yall still setting up? Whats the age bracket for this event? PG-13 things only or, PG-16, etcetra? Teen and up? I guess im asking about what tag on ao3 would these works be a part off xd.

Hi! So, as we posted earlier, the links are only accessible off mobile (Tumblr is just like that). To answer your specific questions, the age bracket is open to anyone, any ratings, we just ask all participants to be honest whether they’re over 18 or not, and participants under 18 are asked not to post explicit work.

For the long answer, for those who can’t access a computer for the Rules and FAQ, here is the complete list (sorry for the long post, but the read more function on Tumblr hates me):

Rules

How It Works:

At the end of the sign-up period, participants will be given a randomly generated bingo card with 24 Star Trek themed prompts and a free space. Pick the ones you want to write in order to create a bingo (a horizontal, vertical, or diagonal straight line; a blackout or an X will also count as a bingo). Each prompt must be its own story of at least 500 words (or an equivalent – art, podfic, and other creative content is welcomed). When your bingo is complete, make a masterpost of the stories and tag us (@star-trek-bingo)! You can also feel free to post your stories to our AO3 collection. The event will run for two months. In that time, feel free to create as many fills as you want. When you have completed one bingo, you can choose to go for more fills on the same card, or you may ask the mods for a new one. You will only receive a new card if you complete at least one bingo on your first one (other forms of fills, like postage stamps, will not count unless an actual bingo has also been completed).

Sign-ups will open June 1st and close on June 30th. Cards will be distributed July 1st, and the posting window for the event will go until the 31st of August. You will not be obligated to finish a bingo, but we do request that you attempt to fill at least one prompt if you sign up. When you sign up, you’ll also have the opportunity to join a Discord server, in case you want to run sprints/interact with other creators for this event.

Rules

· Fics should be a minimum of 500 words. Art should be roughly medium sized.

· The focus of each fic should be the corresponding prompt. They can be interpreted however you want, but it should be central to the story.

· A line bingo must be comprised of five different pieces – a line of five or four plus the free space

o The free space operates as a “choose-your-own” space. You can pick one from the prompt list or come up with a different one.

o A blackout is composed of 25 separate stories to cover the entire card. An X is 9 stories in two diagonal lines centered on the middle space.

o Other fill variation, like postage stamps, will not count towards a bingo. You must complete at least one bingo in order to request another card, and you cannot exchange your card once you get it. Once you receive a new card, you can also no longer make valid fills on the previous one. You may only work on one card at a time.

· You can re-use a square on your card as many times as you’d like during your fills. However, in order for it to count for a new bingo/fill, you must write a different fic using the prompt.

· All parts of the Star Trek fandom are welcome to participate, regardless of which show/movie/etc. you’re a fan of. We only ask that your fics be Star Trek-centric: crossovers and fusions are allowed, but Trek should be the centerpiece of your work.

· When you post, make only one masterpost for each bingo/fill you complete including the titles, major tags, and prompts completed (please do not make a separate post for each creation!) Make sure to include your bingo card in the post, to show which fill you completed, and links to all of the works. Posting your work to the AO3 collection is optional, but you must tag @star-trek-bingo in order for us to count your work.

· All fics used for this event must be new – that means not posted before. Similarly, we’d prefer you not use work for this event to cover requirements in other events too.

If you have any more questions, review our FAQ or contact the mods.

FAQ

Will there be awards/prizes?

No. This is a low-key event, and no awards will be given out at the end of the posting period. However, if you tag us in your masterpost, we will reblog your work, and you’re welcome to post to the event AO3 page. At the end of the event, we’ll make a post showing how many fill types each participant completed.

Can I choose the prompts for my card?

No. You can review the list of prompts that will be used to generate cards here, and during sign-ups there will an opportunity to specifically request the elimination of up to 20 prompts from your potential card. Also when you sign up, you will be required to confirm your age, and those under 18 will have the inherently NSFW prompts removed from the list. Beyond that, cards will be generated randomly.

Which Star Trek series can I use for this event?

Any and all of them! You can write about any of the shows/movies/etc. that you’d like, and you don’t need to stick to a specific ship or piece of media for all of your fills. Feel free to mix it up. All Treks are welcome here.

Can I post on platforms besides Tumblr?

Absolutely! We recommend posting to our AO3 collection as well, but feel free to post your work wherever you’d like. Just make sure to make your masterpost on Tumblr too, so we can count it.

Is there a maximum word count?

Nope! Go as crazy as you want. Just make sure to hit the 500 word minimum.

Is there a rating requirement?

Fics can be any rating you want, from Gen to Explicit. However, if you are underage, we ask that you don’t post explicit fics for this event.

I’m not a writer. Can I still participate?

Yep! We highly encourage creators of all kinds to participate in this event. If you have any questions about what kind of requirements you’d have to fulfill, shoot the mods an ask.

Can I use something I was working on before for this event?

Only if you haven’t posted it in any part. If something you were already working on happens to fill a prompt, feel free to use it, but we will not count it if it’s part of a work/series that has already been posted.

Are there any limitations to the kinds of stories I can write?

Not really! Aside from the things spelled out on the rules page and this one, all relationships/characters/ratings/etc. are fair game. All we ask is that you tag thoroughly, and any sort of hate speech will result in your removal from this event. If you have any concerns, ask.

#bingo info #star trek #im not going to put on all the tags since this is specifically an ask

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oh-mother-of-darkness · 4 years

Text

asks (28)

Anonymous said: CAN I GET A HULLABALOO CANECK CANECK IN THE CHAT

GIG 👍🏼

@justyoungice said: Ever consider writing a multi-chapter fic? Your writing is so good! Been a fan ever since I ventured into this fandom =) 🎈

It happens once in a blue moon, but it’s not my preference. I like my one shots. I did, however, find an unfinished chapter fic a few nights ago that I could be persuaded to post as it is (meaning I probably won’t finish it)

Anonymous said: Am I allowed to say you're really pretty??? 😱😍

Oh thank you friend you are most definitely allowed and in fact encouraged

Anonymous said: You cute 😚really cute

I am in hearteyes with you anon

Anonymous said: I am LOVING these batfam snippets so much!!!

2017 Amy was very funny wasn’t she?

Anonymous said: Ok but do you remember the time in no man’s land where two-face held a trial in which he was the prosecuting lawyer against himself?

Two-Face be like “I am here to conduct an entirely improper court proceeding”

@wingedskyes said: Okay.. Side q. Did neeb mean Tim as a cup of coffee in space or Tim made of coffee while floating in space? 🤔

When I asked she said only that I would know her intent in my heart

@cafeamericano10cm said: Congratulations on finishing your exam/class!!

Thank you!!! I’m so relieved to be done

@betterbekind said: CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!!! Im so happy for you and hope you treat yourself to something nice for surviving!!! You absolutely rock!

:) :) :D

@nightwing1536 said: Have you ever worked with an artist to make a comic? I’ve seen people do fan art and a page or so of a comic with your stories as the message. But I’m wondering if you ever worked side by side with an artist to make a comic?

nightwing1536 said: Not necessarilyDC but anything

I have! My friend @neebluarts and I did a collaboration project where she produced the most beautiful art in the world to go with a lil comic I wrote. She’s amazing. Here’s the finished project.

I also did a smaller piece with @kurawastaken where we wrote a fic together, and she drew some pictures for it. You can find that one here.

@kurawastaken said: Im love ya

K the muse in my soul bears your face

Anonymous said: On that time travel anon's behalf, your "mobile links" link is broken and any pages other than posts/ask/submit are just plain non-existent on the app. Do you have a "for mobile" tag on posts that contain all that info or anything like that? Whatever the link in your description is, it tried to open up my web browser, so I'm guessing it's not internal to Tumblr?

Hmmm the mobile links work for me if I press down for a few seconds, but I think that’s about the best I can do? I’ll do some research and figure it out.

Anonymous said: Thoughts on young justice? If you’ve watched it what did you think about the third season? Is Wally really dead because I’m deep in denial

I love YJ but no, I haven’t watched the 3rd season. I don’t think I have access to it, but I might try to find it now that the hard part of school is done.

Anonymous said: Omgggggg amesss you're gonna be a lawyer (a badass one i bet). Cheers dude!!!!!

That’ll be oh-mother-of-darkness, esquire

Anonymous said: Congratulations!!!!

I’m over the moon :)

Anonymous said: Hope you’ve been taking time to Relax

I had a pretty chill week, yeah! Been sleeping mostly, and hanging with my online folks

Anonymous said: ⊂ʕ•ᴥ•ʔ⊃ This is Hug Bear. He heard you were having a bad day and had come to offer comfort.

Why thank u hug bear

Anonymous said: hey dude I've been there I cried in my moms arms for an hour the other night because of job hunting difficulties which is hard to face at 25. things will get better for us both so hang in there buddy our time is coming 💕

Ah anon I feel that so hard. Good luck my love

Anonymous said: We're here for you if you need to vent ames

lil kissy face emoji

Anonymous said: I hope you feel better and you’re not getting ship asks again. You’re one of my favorite people on tumblr.

You would think after all this time I could rest but ALAS

Anonymous said: Just wanted to say this last fic with Tim getting angry and venting some of his feelings really hit close to home in a good way and I really love it and thank you!

It seems like that one resonated with a lot of folks, and I’m glad. We all need to scream vicariously sometimes

@chiefqueenenthusiast said: I love your work so much. You let Tim go OFF and I live for it

Thank youuuuu I’m glad you liked it

Anonymous said: Your Damian and your Tim just seem to *get* each other on a very specific level. It’s something that I love from your writing. It’s probably why they fight so much but it’s also a connection they only have with each other. Tim asking if he was allowed to be mad and Damian immediately saying yes just reminded me of it ❤️

Oh anon I’m getting emotional thank you so much

@eatthepoison said: I'm not sure if your fics remind me of something musical yet, I need to sit and think about that, BUT your url reminds me of the song Dread in My Heart by Mother Mother. I think maybe because the song has "oh" a lot in it and because of the alliteration of "darkness" and "dread". So like, everytime I see oh mother of darkness my brain always follows up with oh dread in my heart. Idk my head makes leaps sometimes.

eatthepoison said: Also, I'm sorry your feeling frustrated :( if you ever want to talk I always open to listening. I'm not a content creator yet, at least not one big or well known, but I get that it can be overwhelming at times. If its worth anything, i think you're one of the most talented persons in the batfam community. Of all the stuff I've read, your one of the authors I think "damn they fucking NAIL the characterization of the fam every single time like holy shit".

Y’all got me sitting at work thinkin bout all the good things in my life rn. And I know that song! I like it very much

Anonymous said: Such a good little kitty. So cute too!!

She is my darling girl and I love her so much

Anonymous said: My DC oc , Is a waitress named Jess. Her and Jason met during his brief time in foster care. She's not a superhero or anything , she owns a diner where Jason is welcome anytime, no questions asked and always willing to listen. Banged up or bloody ,doesn't matter. She's good with guns cause how else is she gonna protect herself/business in gotham. She was a teen mom and brings her kid to work with her. She's asian/hispanic, curly hair. That's about it

Hey this is a reminded that I probably will write a few paragraphs for your OC but you do have to DM me about it

Also hella cool OC you got there

#asks #yj spoilers #i guess #ah i love y'all you're so sweet

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1-1snailxd-art · 5 years

Text

Libraries are for Meetings

Master List ----- Chapter 5

Chapter 6 - The art of living in a library

Warnings: there is some threats/blackmail made towards Virgil

Summary: Despite the unusual evening, Virgil's morning is very routine as he continues his life as normal. Logan and Patton, on the other hand, are finding out what it is like to be separated from your closest friend when you need them the most. (Lots of Royality and platonic Logicality energy)

Note: reading on mobile can remove the paragraphing. Use desktop site or visit my Ao3 page if it bothers you as much as it bothers me.

EDIT: Art by @the-pastel-peach has been added to this chapter. Pass your appreciation to them. Please don’t repost the art anywhere (with or without credit). If you want to share the art, reblog this post.

______________________________

Virgil’s alarm sounded at 4am, the screen barely lighting the reading area as he opened his eyes and stared at the ceiling.

“Do correct me if I am wrong, but I think you are in a dark place too, Virgil.”

Sitting up, he ran his fingers through his oily hair as Logan’s voice replayed in his mind.

“Should you need a guide to find your path again, I would be happy to provide the service.”

Groaning, Virgil finally silenced his alarm and set about his morning routine. Boil water. Pack up makeshift bed into duffel. Make coffee and instant noodles (beggars can’t be choosers). Use kitchen sink to wash hair and face, before moving on to the small bathroom for a half-arsed attempt at bathing (a washcloth and baby wipes proved effective between Virgil’s stints at a motel).

He had just finished tidying the kitchen when his next alarm sounded for 5am. Grabbing his duffel and backpack, Virgil disarmed the alarm before setting it to rearm as he left. His duffel was heavier today as he walked in the morning breeze to the laundromat. Routines like these helped Virgil immensely; they made him feel normal, despite his circumstances. Not to mention, the laundromat was a warm sheltered place he could work in until the hour became more reasonable.

*************

The apartment was too quiet when Logan’s alarm went off. To say he woke up would be an insult, as he barely managed to get a wink of sleep all night. The apartment felt cold and empty as he shuffled out to the kitchen in his dressing gown and placed a cup under the coffee maker. Normally, at this time, music would be flooding the apartment and Patton would be heard singing from the bathroom while Logan prepared breakfast prior to going out jogging. Without Patton, Logan couldn’t bring himself to turn on the stereo, cook his usual breakfast or even jog. Had he not been so sleep deprived, Logan might have realised how mentally unhealthy his choices were; but sitting at the table with a cup of black coffee and buttered toast, he was just a shell of his normal self.

Despite the change in routine, Logan still managed to get himself ready for the day and was about to leave for work when his phone chimed in his pocket. Seeing Patton’s name and face on the lit screen left Logan feeling confused overall. Yes, he missed having his friend around, but seeing his face reignited his frustration. It was the perfect form of emotional torture, and Logan took his time walking to his car as he considered how to respond to Patton’s message.

*************

On the other side of town, Patton was waking up in Roman’s arms. It was different. His last boyfriend had been too rigid for Patton’s liking, and waking up with Roman was different to the more platonic bed sharing he had had with Logan and Jason.

In that moment, Roman had one arm carefully laid across Patton’s middle and the other was tucked neatly under his pillow. Patton could feel his breath against the back of his head, soft and rhythmic. Though he was comfortable and happy, Patton could still feel the ache in his heart for Logan and he questioned how his friend was doing.

Carefully reaching out to the side table, Patton slid his phone and glasses down next to him and adjusted the phones brightness settings before angling it toward his face.

No new messages

Nibbling at his bottom lip, Patton looked at the time and considered whether to message Logan or leave him alone. As time ticked on, he finally built up the courage to send a message.

Pats: morning Logan.

Pats: im sorry again for yesterday.

Pats: I hope you slept ok.

LogieBear: *seen*

Patton held his breath as he watched the ellipsis appear and disappear with no new messages coming through. Roman stirred behind him, yawning and releasing his partner as he combed his fingers through his hair.

“Morning P.B.”

Propping himself up, Roman could see the screen that held Patton’s attention. Anger started to bubble in his gut as the seconds dragged on. He was just about to grab the phone when messages finally started coming through, and Patton’s body relaxed against him again.

LogieBear: morning Patton. Thank you for your message and apology. As I said yesterday, I forgive you.

LogieBear: but I would still like some space today if possible.

Roman lent forward, pulling Patton closer towards his chest; fearing he was about to see Patton break again.

LogieBear: Do not forget to eat today. Take care of yourself. I love you.

To Roman’s relief, Patton giggled and quickly typed a response.

Pats: I 💜 you too

LogieBear: Have a good day Patton (and Roman)

“Oh, pass me the phone.”

Roman reached around to take the phone from Patton’s hands, using the other hand to pull the hood of the onesie over Patton’s head.

“Ha-ha-Hey,” Patton giggled, “what are you do-oo-ing?”

“Just letting Logan know what he is missing out on.”

Roman quickly snapped a picture of the pair; Patton peeking out from his hood and Roman pulling his usual selfie face with his tussled hair. Yanking the hood down over Patton’s eyes again, Roman sent the photo and a message for Logan.

Pats: *image sent*

(art by @the-pastel-peach - Please don’t repost)

Pats: luv ya specs

As Patton finally escaped Roman’s arms and hood, he grabbed at his phone and groaned.

“You are such a tease, Roman.”

The phone chimed as Logan’s reply came through and Patton hid his phone.

“What did he say? Come on P.B, share with the class.” Roman rolled onto his back, pulling Patton down so his head was laying on his chest.

LogieBear: I will be sure to provide you with this when I see you next, Roman. Clearly you require it.

LogieBear: *image sent*

Patton held his phone with his finger on the lock button as Roman took in the image of Logan with the book ‘Talking for Dummies’ in front of half of his face.

“Oh no-“ Patton quickly locked his phone as Roman reached out for it; now laughing hysterically. “Why does he even have that in his car?”

“We-we fff-ff-found it,” Patton was struggling to speak through his laughter. “For y-oooo.”

“Oh, is that how it is, is it?”

Roman grabbed Patton, tickling his sides and causing his laughter to increase in volume.

Katie started bashing on the door as the two continued their childish game.

“Would you two keep it down or cut it out! The third party is uncomfortable.”

“Get your mind out of the gutter, it’s PG in here!” Roman called back.

“Oh, well if that is the case,” The door swung open and Katie threw two white paper bags at the pair. “Breakfast is served.”

“Thank you, Katie!” Patton beamed as he sat up and peered at the pastry inside the bag.

“Gotta make sure my boys eat.” The smile dropped from Katie’s face suddenly, as she fixed Roman with a stern look and pointed finger. “You need to get your butt into gear today. You have class in an hour and work at 12. Don’t. Be. Late. I’m not covering for you again, got it?”

Roman nodded, pastry already in his mouth, “-ot it.”

“And you are cooking dinner tonight, Roman; no takeout.”

“I’ll make sure he gets everything done. You can count on me, Kaaaatieeee.”

Katie smiled at Patton’s attempt to rhyme. “Thanks, Patty Bear. Hopefully your influence will rub off on Roman eventually.”

“Not if my influence rubs off on him first,” Roman joked, rubbing his shoulder against Patton.

“Ew. Mind. Gutter. I’m out.” Katie turned to leave, “catch you later, boys.”

“Bye Katie!”

“Later bitch- I mean witch.” Patton gave Roman a disapproving look and elbowed his side. “I mean I love yooou…happy?”

“Very,” He kissed Roman’s cheek before climbing out of the bed and heading for the bathroom.

Roman lent over to his other side table and grabbed his phone to find a new message from Logan.

Specs: thank you for helping Patton through this. I know the timing isn’t great.

Princey: don’t stress over it, Logan. Take all the time you need. We’re ok.

Specs: thank you Roman. I will see you soon enough.

Princey: C ya

Specs: 🤦

Roman shook his head; regretting the day he showed Logan the face palm emoji. To that day, it was the only emoji they could get the man to use on a regular basis. He knew how much the other hated text speech and took great joy in ensuring their messaged conversations had some form of grammar or spelling error. He didn’t have a chance to continue to mock the other, as Patton came back in and held his arms out.

“Time to get up, my prince. I promised the queen you wouldn’t be late today.”

“Ah, yes,” Roman accepted Patton’s hands and climbed out of bed, “and we wouldn’t want to upset the queen of hearts or it would be off with our heads.”

Patton giggled and graced Roman with a gentle kiss on his lips; pulling away when Roman started to embrace him. “Get ready for class now, Roman.”

“Awwwww,” He whined, pouting and dropping his arms dramatically.

“If you are going to get greedy, I might have to sleep in the spare bed next time.” Roman crossed his arms and continued to pout. “Off you go, kiddo.”

Roman played up his childish behaviour as he grabbed his clothes and headed into the bathroom to shower. Patton glanced around the room, still in the onesie. Once he heard the shower turn on, he set to work tidying the room and found some of Roman’s clothes that he could borrow for the morning.

*************

The sun was warm against Virgil’s freshly washed hoodie, as he laid on the grass in the park; duffel acting as a perfect pillow for him to lay on. It wasn’t often that the weather was right for moments of bliss like this, and Virgil wasn’t one to miss an opportunity to get reacquainted with vitamin D. Unfortunately, his moment of reprieve was short lived as his phone chimed with alerts.

Email - funds successfully transferred from acc629 to …

Email - Account Alert: available balance below $50…

New message - Ben: Hey Asshole, your 20 short o…

‘There goes my day.’ Virgil thought, sitting up and pulling his notebook out of his backpack.

Logging in to the banking app on his phone, Virgil started assessing his limited money flow. His pay from the library was the only constant influx of funds he had, and he had it carefully split to save towards paying his phone bill and paying Ben and his aunt. Any money he made from repairs, was also split between those three goals and he got whatever was left.

Carefully analysing his notes, he knew money was tighter that fortnight, but he was certain that the correct amount had been sent to Ben.

Ben: Hey Asshole, your 20 short on your payment. Pay up

Virgil: I just checked my accounts and everything looks fine on my end.

Ben: you forgot about interest bitch

Virgil: that wasn’t part of our original agreement

Ben: I changed my mind

Virgil: you can’t do that. That’s not fair.

Ben: I don’t give a shit about fair. You should have thought about that before you punched me.

Virgil: I can’t afford an extra $20. I’m barely surviving as it is.

Ben: not my problem, unless you need me to come and have a chat at that little library of yours.

Virgil’s blood chilled at the thought. He wasn’t sure of Ben’s full intentions. Was he implying that he would tell Katie who he was? Would he come and damage the library? Would he hurt Katie?

It wasn’t worth the risk and he watched his tiny $30 drop to $15 as he transferred some money to Ben.

Virgil: that’s all I can do right now. Give me a day or so and I’ll send you the other 5.

Ben: you better.

$15 wasn’t an ideal, amount at all. The $30 was going to be hard enough, but he could have at least had one day in the comfort and safety of a $10 motel without worry. $15 would barely get him extra food, or even extra supplies to fix anything. Not to mention none of his former ‘friends’ had responded to his requests to stay over for at least a night. That left his options for the weekend as either, use the library or spend it on the streets.

With those thoughts in his mind, Virgil packed up and left the park. He had a new daily plan in mind; drop duffel off at library, revisit local businesses to check on work availability, return to the library to test his gaming system rebuild. While he walked, Virgil searched all the University social pages to see if anyone was seeking computer support. All social anxieties had to be pushed aside; he didn’t have the luxury of dwelling on things like that now.

*************

Logan sat at the pet store counter, scribbling notes as he completed his reading assignment for the day. He had finished restocking the shelves 15 minutes prior and wasn’t in the mood for organising anymore of the store. The sound of the doors sliding open had him quickly shutting his books and putting on his best customer service face. He didn’t need it though as Roman appeared at the counter.

“Looking good, Roman ,” he grinned as the other approached in a stained subway uniform.

“Hilarious,” he held out a bag, “want a sandwich? Or 3?”

“What’s wrong with them,” his question was all in jest; Logan knew Roman wasn’t the sort to pull harmful pranks. He gladly pulled out a sandwich though, as Roman hoisted himself up to sit on the counter.

“So, get this, I added the wrong slices of tomato to one, the other had too much lettuce, and - and- the final one,” Roman was holding his arms out like it was the most dramatic thing that had ever happened to him. “She asked for olives, then suddenly remembered she didn’t like our olives, and I couldn’t just pick them off because they had already ‘tainted’ her sandwich.”

Logan smirked as Roman sighed and started to eat. “Sounds like it was a busy day for a poor, misunderstood, sandwich artist.”

“Take pity on me, Logan. The world is unforgiving and will never understand me.”

Logan rolled his eyes as Roman bent over backwards and draped his arm across his forehead.

“I don’t even understand you.”

“My point exactly,” sitting up, Roman readjusted himself on the counter so he could eat more easily. “So, what is happening?”

“I’m eating a sandwich with a drama queen, while I wait for my shift to end.”

“Wow, I couldn’t see that with my own eyes. Seriously, spill.”

Logan sighed and put his sandwich down, wiping his hands on a napkin.

“Virgil is working on saving more of my files, I’m looking at getting a second-hand laptop, and Julie is making a cake for the anniversary.”

“Nice dark ending there,” Roman softened as he looked at Logan, “I was ignoring that invitation, too.”

“I understand why she wants to do it, but I…” Logan screwed up his face as he tried to find the right words, “I’m not sure I’m ready to turn the anniversary into some weird … party of sorts.”

“Yeah, but I don’t think it’s going to be all cake and karaoke. I’m pretty sure Julie just wants everyone to come together again.”

“I guess…I can see your reasoning. You are much smarter than you look, Roman.”

“I’m not sure if that was meant to be an insult, but I’m going to take that as a compliment.”

The store doors slid open and Roman quickly jumped off the counter as customers entered. Logan wrapped up his sandwich, and Roman quickly did the same.

“I should get this one to Patton, he’s been avoiding food again.”

Logan paused and looked sadly at the ground as he stepped around the counter, “I hadn’t noticed. I guess I’m probably not helping either.”

“Don’t worry about it, Logan.” Roman roughly pulled Logan into a hug; Logan keeping his hands down by his sides. “Just, don’t forget to take care of yourself. All jokes aside, I care about you too.”

Squeezing his eyes shut to suppress tears, Logan returned the hug. “Same to you, Roman. Same to you.”

Separating, Roman headed out the door with his bag of sandwiches while Logan headed over to check on the customers in the store. The pair were only just beginning to explore the boundaries of their friendship; especially since he and Patton had started officially dating. Not that Logan cared to admit it, but Roman was maturing from the brat of a boy he had first met six years ago.

*************

Katie strode over to Virgil's self-proclaimed office, using the master keycard to gain entry, and found Virgil groaning with his forehead on the desk.

"Tough day," Katie enquired, causing Virgil to jolt upright in his chair.

"Jeez, Reels, way to scare a guy out of his skin."

"Well 'a guy' deserves it for ghosting my messages all day," Katie perched herself on the edge of the desk and looked down at Virgil with her arms folded across her chest. "Where's my recap on the evenings events?"

"Why don't you ask, Logan." Virgil grumbled, tapping a few keys on his keyboard to activate a new program, "he's your friend."

"Ouch. I thought we were friends too." Virgil shrugged and Katie shoved his shoulder, "don't be like that, Sparks. Come on. Talk to me. What's going on? What did that nerdy idiot do?"

Sighing, Virgil lent back and ran his fingers thoughtfully through his hair.

"The, as you put it, 'nerdy idiot' did nothing wrong."

"So, what's with the sour puss look today then?"

Shaking his head, it took all of Virgil's self-control to not start crying on the spot. "I may have overreacted to something Logan said aaaand I'm kind of regretting it now. There. Happy?"

"Hardly."

"Gah!” Virgil threw his hands in the air, causing Katie to roll her eyes at the overly dramatic expression. “What else do you want? If you want a play by play, you're not getting it from me. Go talk to Logan."

"Why don't you?"

"Wha - I - you-" Katie smirked, raising a knowing brow as Virgil stumbled over his words. Virgil frowned as he took in Katie’s expression. "I hate you right now."

"Oh, I know." She mused, sliding off the desk. "Don't hide from everything, Virgil. You're right, I'm not going to get a play by play of last night, and nor do I want it."

"So, what is it that you want then?" Virgil was genuinely interested in Katie's response and couldn't hide the intrigue from his voice.

"Honestly, I want to see both of you stepping outside of your work zones. You spend so much time locked in here Virgil, and you wouldn't believe how hard it is to get Logan out of his study hole. It was nice to see my two workaholics’ go out into the wild."

"I can't see that becoming a regular thing, Reels." Lowering his head, Virgil tried to forget how nice it was to be out with Logan: despite his anxieties throughout the evening.

"Says who?" Virgil looked up to respond, but Katie cut him off. "It was your first time meeting each other, and honestly, it wasn't under the best circumstances. Don't let those first impressions be your only impressions. Take a chance, Virgil." Katie walked over and placed a hand on his shoulder, causing him to look up through his lengthy bangs. "I took a chance on you and I am yet to regret that decision."

"Fine."

A small smile pulled at Virgil’s cheeks as he realised just how highly Katie thought of him. The moment was short lived though, as he remembered he was abusing her trust.

"That's a good lad. So, what are you gonna do?" Suddenly sitting back on the desk, Katie propped her chin up by resting her elbow on her knee.

"Well...um..." Virgil glanced around as he thought, eyes landing on a USB that ignited his memory. "I still haven’t returned the files I managed to salvage."

"Perfect," Katie exclaimed so loudly that Virgil jumped at the sound. "Now, you have some options for Thursday's. Logan doesn't have class on Thursday, so he works at the pet store from 8 until 1, then he would go to the labs and study, and then he usually heads to the university track field around 4."

"Jeez, stalker much." Virgil was slightly concerned with the fact that Katie had Logan's whole routine memorised.

Katie simply shrugged, "I keep tabs on where my boys are. When I don't..." Katie's expression saddened so fast, Virgil's heart skipped a beat. "...bad things happen."

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End Note

Soooo, I have to go back to work next week 😭 I got so much story planning done over the past 3 weeks. I'm going to miss having so much creative freedom. If things get slow, it's because work started badly (sorry in advance). If anything does happen, I'll be sure to put it on Tumblr.

Next time: Logan's nightmares. Does Virgil make a friend? More platonic logicality. Nice feelings, but dark thoughts.

EDIT: I do hope you enjoyed the art. It was a lot of fun to work with the-pastel-peach to bring that scene to life.

UPDATE: again, please don’t repost the art by Peach. Reblog this post. Respect the artist and give her some love 💜🐌

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Chapter 7 — Master List

What else have I done:

The Perfect Ring (oneshot - analogical proposal)

You Promised (oneshot - prinxiety angst/injury/near death)

Sides of a Hero (Completed Fic - sides are fusions of impulses and aspects of Thomas. Virgil has a depressing past that he is forced to face thanks to Deceit and Rage. Was canon compliant at the time of completion)

The Shield to your Sword (WIP - A fantasy/magic au - Prinxiety (Royal Roman and orphan Virgil - they’ll admit to their love eventually), Virgil angst, non binary, healer Logan, *spoiler* Patton)

Check out my other blog for random fandom reblogs and stuff @snail-giggles

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