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comphersjost · 4 years

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All For You | 5 [Finale] ➸ Brady Tkachuk and Matthew Tkachuk

firstly, i want to say thank you all so fucking much for the love, the support, the countless asks, comments, and reblogs on this series. this is an epilogue of sorts - mostly focusing on matty’s POV - as well as a tribute to the first part that started this all. enjoy my loves <3

4 times Matty knew he loved you, and the one time he knew you loved him.

word count: 6.8k+

warnings: some smut, not super descriptive, angst, elias and noah being little shits, lots of elaboration on events previously mention in the series :)

part one

part two

part three

part four

masterlist

The game was brutal. You curled up on your couch to watch it, your body tense the entire time. You lost track of how many times Matt fought someone on the ice, whether he went after someone on behalf of one of his teammates, or when he was being targeted. To say the least...Matt got his ass handed to him.

The game ends with the Rangers shutting out the Flames. You keep the TV on, anxious to see if Matt was going to be interviewed. He wasn’t, but you caught glimpses of him behind Mark Giordano as he answered questions in that monotone hockey voice. Matt looked like a wreck from what you saw, bruises forming on his face and hair an absolute mess.

You shake your head and turn the TV off, immediately reaching for your phone. You text him without thinking, not realizing what you did until you see ‘delivered’ under the messages.

you: i’m sorry about the game :( you: anything i can do? you: ice cream or something?

You panic when the read receipt pops up almost immediately. You'd only been in Calgary for about a month, and only hung out with him a couple of times - and that was with constant reassurance from Brady that you weren't a burden on him. Either way, there's no way he would trust you that much right?

Three short consecutive buzzes sounded, snapping you out of your spiraling thoughts.

matthew: can i come over? matthew: if that's cool with you matthew: no worries if not ik you said you haven't totally unpacked

You can't help the smile that tugs at your lips at the last text. Maybe he really didn't see you as just his brother’s best friend. You quickly type a response back.

you: of course you can !! you: and fyi i did unpack you: sorta

matthew: am i supposed to believe that???? matthew: be there in like. 20 matthew: i still gotta shower lol

you: then shower it up stink monster you: see u sooooon you: any snack/drink requests?

It takes a few minutes to get a response from him, and you assumed that he showered during that time. Over the past month Matt almost never lagged when it came to responding to texts, except for practices and games.

Your phone buzzes again, but this time it’s a Snapchat notification from Matt. You click on it and the app switches. Tapping on the red square reveals Matt, seemingly fresh out of the shower with his thumb up. That caption reads “fastest shower time on the team? yessir”, another caption underneath reading “no longer a stink monster”.

You laugh and respond to a photo of the top half of your face, typing out “yeah yeah answer my text stinky”. He opens the snap immediately, and 30 seconds later you get a text from him.

matthew: yo tbh if you have popcorn 👀👀

you: ur in luck i do!! the super buttery kind tho :/

matthew: my fave matthew: don't tell anyone on the team tho

You pause for a moment. You hadn't even met anyone on the team, only heard them in the background of the few phone calls you'd had with Matthew. Did he want you to meet them?

Shaking the thought out of your head, you react to the message with the laugh reaction and assure him you won't. He texts you to let you know he was on his way and suddenly you panic again. Matt hadn't been in your apartment since your first week in Calgary. Even then it wasn't really your apartment, it was just an empty place filled with boxes. He had helped you build all the furniture that had arrived, but since then you’d only hung out with him at restaurants or bars or coffee shops.

You don't know why the idea of him in your space makes anxiety wash over you, and you have to remind yourself that Matt is someone you grew up with. He's your best friend’s brother and someone you've known your whole life, but for some reason you still felt like you had something to prove to him.

There's a heavy knock on your door before you can pull yourself out of your head enough to make sure everything in your apartment is clean and tidy, and you almost want to scream but you figure it would be weirder than having a slightly messy living room.

When you open the door for Matt, the first thing you notice are the two forming bruises on his face. The second thing you notice is how tired he looks, his smile genuine but still not reaching his eyes.

“Hey,” you breathe out, “Come in.” He bumps your shoulder softly in a silent greeting as he slips past you into your apartment.

“The place looks great, Y/N/N,” Matt says softly, admiring the decorations and photos you’d placed around to make it feel more like home. You're glad he isn't facing you and can't see the surprised look on your face at hearing him call you by your nickname.

“Thanks Matty,” you say, your anxiety fading when he turns to smile at you again. “I’ll get the popcorn, you can pick a movie or a show or something, if you want.” You chuckle softly as he all but collapses on your couch, stretching out as you make your way towards the kitchen.

Matt’s eyes follow you as you disappear through the doorway, the sound of the microwave starting just a few moments later. If he wasn't so tired and bruised he would pay more attention to the nervousness bubbling up inside of him. It had been a long time since he really hung out with you like this - the last time he can remember was probably his senior year of high school. Brady had been gone on a class trip for one of the few classes you hadn't taken together, and Taryn was still too young for you to relate to her. So for a full week you showed up at their door and flopped on his bed, or vice versa, claiming that you were bored and were there to stay. He remembers pretending to be annoyed, but inside he was practically screaming, overthinking every little thing that he said to you.

His teammates would chirp him if they knew - Matt had known that for sure. What, a hotshot hockey playing senior getting butterflies over a sophomore girl? Oh, he would be torn apart in the locker room. That's why he didn't kiss you then. It was stupid, really, now that he thought back on it, but he was 17 then, and his teammates’ opinions were more important to him than taking a chance with his brother’s best friend.

But now you were here. In Calgary. And he was here, in your apartment.

He feels 17 again, your sweet voice floating from the kitchen asking him if he wanted anything to drink. He replies that he only wants water, and decides to take you up on looking through Netflix. He settles for a random episode of Parks and Rec when you come back to the living room, a bowl of popcorn in one hand, and two glasses of water somehow held in the other.

You make a face at him and shove his legs out of the way with your foot, placing the bowl and glasses on the table. You laugh when he groans and moves his legs out of the way so you can sit, before moving them back onto the couch to tangle with your own. Matt reaches for the bowl of popcorn as you snatch a blanket from its spot on the back of the couch and drape it over both of your legs.

“Still cold all the time, Y/N/N?” Matt teases, nudging his foot against your knee as you laugh sharply.

“Haven't changed a bit, Matty,” you throw back immediately. Your heart skips a beat when he laughs, a really, loud, genuine laugh, head thrown back and everything. You can't help but think that it suits him more than the tired smile he wore when he showed up at your door.

“You really haven't,” he says with a grin, eyes finally sliding back to yours. His hair curls over his forehead, but you can't look away from his eyes. The intensity of his stare makes you shiver, and you pretend it’s from the cold, pulling the blanket towards you more and looking away. You ignore his grumble of protest, but he lets you do it anyway.

“You haven't changed either, you know,” you say quietly. He stays silent, only shifting in his spot to get more comfortable.

The two of you fall into a comfortable silence, your eyes on the TV and his on...well his eyes are on you. He thinks back to all the times he wanted to make a move on you. Countless hours he spent beating himself up for letting the opportunities slip through his fingers because of his stupid pride.

He's not 17 anymore, he could kiss you right now. He could wrap his arms around your waist and pull you into his lap, kiss you until you're breathless and absolutely begging for him.

But he doesn't.

Not when you look like this, so comfortable and warm and here. He can't kiss you when you opened your home to him after a tough loss. He can't take advantage of you like that.

So Matt trains his eyes on the TV again, sneaking glances at you here and there as he all but shovels popcorn into his mouth so he doesn't say something stupid. He doesn't realize you've fallen asleep until he sneaks another glance at you, this time looking for just a little longer than a split second.

Your eyes are closed, cheek smushed into the cushion and your chest rising and falling with soft, even breaths. He realizes then how tired you must be, it’s nearly 11:30 and he knows you have to be up early for work. He can't tear his eyes away, can't help but take advantage of being able to stare at you without getting caught.

God, you're so cute like this, he wishes you were in his arms instead of on the other side of the couch. He wants this to last as long as possible, but your head is tilted at an awkward angle, and he doesn't want you to go to work tomorrow in pain.

Instead of taking his time looking over every inch of your adorable sleeping face, he gently untangles his legs from yours, grabbing the empty bowl and cups and heading to the kitchen. Once he's done washing them and placing them on the drying rack, he heads back to you, pausing in the doorway for one more moment to just look at you.

He finally convinces himself that he’s stared enough, it’s getting creepy now, and you need to go to bed. Matt makes his way back to you, squatting down and gently placing a hand on your arm.

“Y/N/N?” he says softly, rubbing softly up and down your arm.

“Hmm?” you hum softly, blinking slowly with blurry eyes.

“You gotta go to bed,” he murmurs, and he can't stop himself from brushing a piece of hair out of your face. “You have work in the morning, c’mon.”

You whine in protest and your eyes flutter shut again. You're too comfortable, too warm to get up now. Matt sighs, resignation setting in. He slowly peels the blanket off of you, folding and draping over the back of the couch like before, before sliding his arms underneath your back and knees and lifting you effortlessly.

You mumble something unintelligible as you bury your face in his chest. Matt says nothing as he finds your bedroom, depositing you on your bed as soft as he can, and tugging the duvet out from under you and then back over you again.

“You can't go home,” you mumble again, louder, grabbing his hand feebly before he can walk away. Matt freezes at the implication, even though he knows the thoughts spiraling in his mind are unlikely in your barely awake state. “S’late Matty, you can't go home.”

“Y-you-you want me to sleep here?” he stutters, and you nod, blissfully unaware of the rampage of emotions in Matt’s head.

“Guest bedroom’s furnished,” you slur, voice thick with exhaustion. “Don't go home. S’late.” With that, you're fast asleep again, and Matt - well -

Fuck, Matt thinks. He's fucked. And he knows it.

II.

Based on the look on Noah’s face, Matt knows he's going to get one hell of a lecture as soon as you're out of earshot. He'd finally taken you to meet his teammates, and he was really starting to regret it. He knows that you're beautiful, he'd just rather not watch his teammates stare shamelessly. He really is glad he told them warned them to keep their hands off though, using the excuse that you were his brother’s best friend and there was no way he would let those hooligans go after you.

But now that you're actually meeting them, Matt knows that they're going to call him on his shit. His team knows him better than that.

His hand is resting against the small of your back as he leads you to a booth towards the back of the bar. He slows down before he gets within earshot of the table, leaning in to ask softly, “You okay?”

You glance up at him with a nervous smile, but nod anyways. “Yeah,” you assure him, “I’m good, I just hope they like me.”

Matt laughs at that, shaking his head at your confused expression. His laugh fades as you raise an eyebrow, looking at him expectantly. “They'll love you,” he finally clarifies, “Promise.”

“Promise?” you say skeptically.

“Promise,” he confirms, and the grin on his face is infectious, you can't help but smile back at him. “C’mon,” he says, pushing you lightly until you reach the table.

“Matty!” exclaims one of the men at the table. A brunette, from what you can see in the dim light, and a face that makes him look 14. At his drunken greeting, the rest of the men and women at the table turn to look at you and Matt, making you shift uncomfortably under their collective gaze.

“Aaand he’s drunk already, this is Brady and I’s friend, Y/N,” Matt introduces you, his hand sliding from your back to squeeze your hand comfortingly. He introduces each of the people at the table - the baby-faced one was named Johnny - before nudging the blonde that looked like a Disney prince until he moved over to make room for the two of you.

“Hi,” you say, smiling shyly around the table. “It’s nice to meet you all, Matt’s told me a lot about you.”

“Hope he wasn't talking shit,” Prince Charming teases with a slight accent, flashing you a bright smile. What was his name? Elias?

“Oh he talks the most shit,” you banter, a sly smile tugging at your lips at Matt’s incredulous protest. “Always going on and on about how annoying you guys are - mmf!” Your teasing is cut short by Matt’s hand covering your mouth. Without thinking you lick the palm of his hand, laughing when he snatches it away again and off of your mouth.

“That's gross,” Matt complains, wiping his hand on his jeans.

“You asked for that,” you shoot back, elbowing him lightly when he rolls his eyes.

“You know, I’m starting to regret this,” he grumbles, fighting the smile playing on his lips, “you’re just as annoying as them.”

“Be nice Chucky!” Noah pipes up. You recognize him from the few times you’d stopped by Matthew’s apartment but had never stayed long enough to actually get to know him.

“Yeah, Chucky,” you taunt, “better be nice to me, I know where you live during the off-season too.” The table erupts into laughter at that, and you accept a fist bump from Elias.

“I like this one, Matthew,” Giordano says, “You better keep bringing her around.”

You flush at the compliment, having heard how highly Matt speaks of his captain.

Matt feels you relax into the booth, the tension in your body since your arrival finally draining at the approval from his team. He leans down slightly to murmur in your ear, “I told you they'd love you.” You smile at his words, tuning back into the conversation that had started up again.

“Matthew,” Elias suddenly says, drawing your attention away from the intense discussion about whether or not hotdogs were considered sandwiches (the group was split almost 50/50, by the way). “Let’s go get more drinks. Noah?”

You scoot out of the booth to let the two of them slip out, heading to the bar with Noah in tow, sliding back in to find yourself seated beside a beautiful blonde girl. She laughs when you say timidly, “I’m sorry, could you all tell me your names again?”

She introduces herself in a thick accent as Annica, Elias’s girlfriend, and the other girls do too, before quickly striking up a conversation. “Do not worry,” she says kindly, “I forgot most names the first time I met too.” You laugh at that, before some of the wives and girlfriends start to ask you about yourself.

“How do you know Matthew?” Brittany, Sean Monohan’s girlfriend, asks curiously.

“I grew up with him,” you explain. “Brady’s my best friend, they live across the street from my family.”

At the same time that you’re getting to know the girls at the table, Elias is slapping Matt upside the head.

“Dude!” Matt groans. “What the fuck?”

Noah rolls his eyes at Matt’s faux-obliviousness, “Dude, that girl is a smokeshow.” Noah manages to dodge Matt’s fist aimed at his arm, smirking at the defensiveness. “Just your friend huh?” he chirps, wiggling his eyebrows suggestively.

Matt groans again, “Yes, just a friend, the hands-off rule still applies.”

Elias snorts, unconvinced, leaning back against the bar to observe you interacting with the team and WAGs. “She’s funny, and fits in well,” Elias remarks. “And Noah is right, she is a smokeshow.”

“I know,” Matt grumbles. “Don't you have a girlfriend?”

Elias throws his head back and laughs. “Annica pointed out when you walked in. Anyway, she's yours, clearly.”

“Dude.”

Matt was getting really sick of the chirping coming from his teammates. To be fair - they were right, but he couldn't let them know that. But as he follows Elias’s gaze to see you talking animatedly to the girls at the table - all of their attention trained on you - he can't help the soft smile on his lips. He's right, you do fit in well.

He wonders how you'd look wearing a jacket with his name on the back.

Noah’s voice snaps him out of his daydream. “I'm just saying man, you already look like you're halfway in love with her, so get on that.”

“No,” Matt snaps finally, before his expression drops slightly. “Besides, our parents are fully convinced that she and Brady are gonna end up getting married or whatever.”

Noah and Elias both wince at that, giving him sympathetic glances. Matt rolls his eyes, snatching half the round of drinks the bartender had deposited in front of them, and heading back to the booth, knowing that Elias and Noah were hot on his heels. Thankfully, he makes it before they can say anything else that might inspire Matt to do something stupid.

But as he slides back in beside you, watching you interact with his teammates - his family away from family - he can't help but think about how wrong Noah was.

More than halfway, Noah, way more than halfway.

III.

Matt’s lifelong habit of running away from his feelings just didn't seem to apply to you. No matter how much his feelings grew, how much they scared him, he still stayed. He still hung out with you, and texted you constantly. He still brought you to every team event under the guise of not wanting some random girl with him, and that he'd much rather have you there.

When you told him about your feelings for his brother, it stung. So Matt did the only thing he could - not run away, he could never run from you. He crushed the hurt away, pushed his feelings down down down until they were just a whisper at the back of his mind.

But then he made a mistake. He made an enormous, colossal, devastating mistake.

He kissed you.

He was wine-drunk, and so were you. Maybe that's why you let him. Maybe that's why you kissed him back. It was easier to believe that it was a drunken decision than let himself have any hope.

You'd been at his apartment for dinner, something that had become a weekly occurrence now. Matt couldn't deny that he liked this, having you to himself without anyone Brady to steal your attention.

You'd ordered in today, boxes of Thai takeout littering the counter. Matthew hadn't bothered to clean up after you were both done eating, insisting that he’d take care of it later, and for now you could just hang out. So that's what you did.

The two of you sprawled on his couch, forgoing wine classes to just pass the bottle back and forth until both of you were giggling. Your cheeks felt warm from the wine, and you felt good. You felt relaxed and at home.

You're thrown into another fit of giggles when Matt reminds you of the time Brady had fallen asleep after a game when you had all gone out for ice cream. He had ended up face planting directly into a scoop of his barely-eaten vanilla ice cream in the car on the way home, immediately snapping awake at the cold dessert hitting him directly in the face.

Through your laughter, you say “What about the time you were trying to impress - hic - that girl - what was her name, Brenna? - and then you -” you cut yourself off, laughing uncontrollably at the unimpressed look on Matt’s face. He knew exactly what you were talking about, and it was easily one of the more embarrassing moments of his life. When you can catch your breath again you finish “- and you were staring so you slipped and fell on the ice!”

Matt groans as you keep laughing, before a devious idea comes to mind. You know that look on his face all too well, your eyes widening as your laughter dies down.

“Matt-” you start as he starts reaching for you, turning into a shriek when his hands reach their destination. “Matt, no!”

His fingers finding your sides and tickling you mercilessly.

“Matt!” you gasp, squirming to escape the torture. “I’m sorryyyyy! I won't mention it again, I promise!”

He pauses for a moment, eyeing you suspiciously.

“Promise?” he asks, his hands not leaving your sides even when you nod. He hums when you promise, distracted by your closeness. The wine made his mind fuzzy, and the feelings he's been harboring for so long come bubbling to the surface.

Matt is terrified he's going to say something he’ll regret - especially with the knowledge of your feelings for Brady - so he does the only thing that will shut him up. He does what he was too cowardly to do when he was 17.

He kisses you.

A surprised moan escapes your throat, but then you sigh, leaning into him and leaning into the kiss. His hold tightens around you as he tilts his head to slot your lips together. Your hands come up to run through his messy curls, making a noise of appreciation at how soft his hair is.

Matt can't help himself, he leans back to his side of the couch, tugging you with him and into his lap. One hand leaves your waist to cup your jaw as you straddle him, his teeth tugging at your lip before sliding his tongue into your mouth. The hand on your waist comes down to your ass, a strangled moan breaking the kiss as his hand pushes you impossibly closer to Matt.

Matt reconnects your lips immediately, addicted to the feeling of finally kissing you after all these years. Through the haze in his brain he thinks that this is probably a bad idea, but fuck does he love it.

You whine needily and break the kiss, rocking your hips against Matt and making him gasp.

“Fuck,” he rasps, his hips jerking upwards to grind into you. Your eyes flutter open for a moment, shuddering at the dark look in Matt’s eyes. You think of saying something - anything - but Matt’s hand curls around the back of your head and pulls you back in to meet his lips.

You tug at his hair as he kisses you, letting him move your hips into an undulating motion against his own. Matt's mouth drags away from yours, your whine turning into a soft moan as when he kisses along your jaw and down your neck. You shiver when you feel his teeth graze the column of your throat.

Matt kisses every inch of exposed skin, unable to help himself from sucking a deep purple mark into your skin just above your collarbone.

“Matty,” you whimper, grinding down harder against the growing tent in his sweatpants. Matt decides that your whimpers and moans are his favorite sound, and vows then that he’s going to do everything in his power to pull those noises from your body. He can't get enough of you, the way your hands roam over his shoulders and through his hair and the desperate way your grinding against him. You say his name again, this time a soft sigh as he keeps kissing at your skin, the hand on your ass sliding up and underneath your thin v-neck.

“Baby,” he grunts against your skin, running his nose up along your neck. You whimper at the pet name, and Matt gets impossible harder under you. “Baby,” he whispers again, pulling back to look you in the eye. “Tell me if you want this, angel.”

You nod frantically, leaning in to press your mouth on his again.

“Please,” you mumble against his lips. “I want this. I want you.”

Matt moans at the words, wishing that it were true in every context. Instead he wraps his hands under your thighs and stands, making his way blind towards his bedroom. He tosses you on his bed unceremoniously, kicking the door shut behind him.

You look up at him with wide eyes and flushed cheeks, reaching for him again, aching for his touch. Matt crawls over your body and brushes the hair out of your face as he hovers above you.

“Matt,” you whine needily, wrapping a hand around his neck to pull him down to kiss you again.

As Matt strips you of your clothes as well as his own, he lets himself pretend this is real. He fucks you with brutal, merciless thrust of his hips, and pretends like this isn't going to be a one-time thing. He lets himself feel while you cry out for him and arch your back as you cum. He calls you baby and acts like this isn't a drunken mistake you’re probably going to regret in the morning.

And when you're both spent, his arms curled around you as you give him a dopey, sleepy smile - looking like a real life angel, he thinks - Matt lets himself pretend, for just a moment, that you love him too.

IV.

He hates this.

Matt hates this.

He hates the feeling of your body shaking against him, uncontrollable sobs wracking your body. Brady had left that morning for Ottawa after Autumn had reached out to him, asking to give their relationship another shot. And Matt hates him for it right now.

He hates the sound of your crying, the tears spilling onto his shirt. He hates that you feel like this, heartbroken and miserable.

Matt hates how responsible he feels for this. He was so sure that Brady reciprocated your feelings, telling you over and over again that he was positive his brother loved you too. In hindsight, he might have been projecting, but to him, it was impossible not to fall in love with you.

The thing he hates the most, though, is how selfish he is. How he can't help but think of how good it feels to hold you again.

Another sob rips itself from your throat and Matt’s arms tighten around you, pulling you so that you were flush against his chest. He buries his face in your hair, whispering “I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” over and over as you break down in his arms.

He barely registers the feeling of you shaking your head against his shoulder.

“Not your fault,” you mumble through your cries, shaking your head more vigorously. “It-it’s not - it’s my fault - I thought -” You cut yourself off and bury your head in his shoulder as your bawling continues.

“It's not your fault,” he insists as one hand comes up to cup the back of your head, running through your hair in soft strokes. “It’s not, it’s not your fault, you did nothing wrong.”

Matt holds you like that for what feels like eternity, your sniffles and cries coming slower and slower until they stop. He still holds you tight, tracing patterns over your skin and running his hands through your hair soothingly. He whispers gentle words in your ear, comforting you the best he can.

Eventually you pull back slightly too look up at him, making Matt mourn the loss of feeling every inch of you pressed up against him. You look tired, sleepy, but most of all, you look sad - and it kills him inside.

“Thank you,” you whisper hoarsely, making Matt’s eyebrows furrow in confusion.

“What for, angel?” The nickname doesn't go unnoticed by you, and you can't help the warm feeling that worms its way through your heartbreak.

“Everything,” you shrug, not wanting to really say the truth. Matt takes it for an answer, even though you both know it’s really not, and smiles gently, brushing hair out of your eyes like he's done so many times. “M’sorry about your shirt,” you mumble, and Matt laughs at that, his head thrown back.

“I've got plenty of shirts,” he teases, thumb sliding back and forth over your jaw comfortingly. As his laughter fades, his gaze becomes locked on yours. You look like you're in deep thought, at war with yourself, and he barely refrains from asking you what you're thinking about.

“Okay?” Matt asks gently, eyes softening when your eyes focus on him again. You open your mouth as if to say something, before closing it again and nodding slowly. “Y/N/N?”

Before he can really ask what's going on, you're throwing your arms around his neck, your lips colliding with his. Matt can't help but melt into the kiss, cupping your cheek as your lips move together. He hadn't felt this in so long.

Oh, he missed this. He missed the feeling of your mouth on his. Missed kissing you until you were breathless. Missed the way you fit perfectly in his arms.

He moans gently, nearly delirious with his need for you.

A pang of guilt shoots through him, making Matt pull away even as you whine and chase his lips. You look up with wide eyes and a slight pout, before you seem to realize what just happened.

“Fuck, I’m - I’m sorry,” you gasp, scrambling to escape his embrace. “I'm sorry, I didn't mean to - that was fucked up - I’m sorry -”

Matt’s grip only tightens, grabbing your chin to make you face him. “Hey - hey,” he says sharply, making you stop struggling and look at him. “It’s okay, I promise, we just - you're not in the right - we can't -”

“I know,” you cut him off, “I know, I'm sorry.”

“It's okay,” he assures you again, before asking you softly, “Do you want to go home?”

You weren't sure which home he meant - your family’s house across the street or Calgary - but either way you shake your head frantically, clinging to him tighter at the idea of being alone with your broken heart right now.

“Okay,” he soothes gently, “That's okay, I’m gonna go shower, okay? You wanna change?” You glance down at your clothes - sweatpants and a t-shirt - and shake your head again.

“This is fine,” you say timidly, your voice small and sad and widen the hole in Matt’s heart.

“Okay,” he murmurs, setting you gently on his mattress and tugging the duvet over you. “I won't be long, I promise.” You nod sleepily, your eyes already fluttering shut as you acknowledge him, as he backs away slowly.

Matt has to clasp a hand over his mouth in the shower, muffling the noises out of his mouth as he weeps.

He almost wants to laugh at the irony of it all. You love Brady. You love him and your heart is breaking because of it. And so is his. And even as Matt puts on clean pajamas and crawls back into his bed beside your sleeping figure, he still feels like he might start to cry again.

But then you mumble his name, your voice thick with sleep as you reach for him. Your hands feel small against his chest as you fist the material of his shirt and tug him towards you, sighing contently when his arms slide around your waist.

You fit so fucking perfectly, Matt thinks, with your body tucked into his like this. His eyes linger on your face for a few moments, taking in the peaceful look on your sleeping face after hours of anguish and emotional turmoil. As he begins to drift off, his last thought before he falls into slumber, is how he's never been more at ease, more happy, more in love, than when he's with you.

Matt has never been in so much pain in his entire life. The moment his eyes fluttered open, still blurry from sleep, he snapped them shut again. It was too bright. Why is everything so bright? He only knows one person that keeps the blinds open when they sleep and that was - Matt’s blood runs cold.

“I like it when the sun wakes me up,” you’d said when he asked you. “It feels less like an alarm clock and more of a gentle reminder, you know?”

He didn't know, he really really didn't, especially with the pounding in his head. But he has to know for sure, so slowly but surely, he opens one eye and then the other. Matt’s heart rises to his throat when he realizes where he is.

Part of him thinks he might die on the spot. But the other part - the selfish fucking part of him - whispers that waking up in your bedroom is what he's been dreaming of for months.

But then it hits him. The pain.

Not the pounding headache, no - this was worse. This was so much fucking worse. It was worse than the day in his parents’ basement when you walked away from him all those months ago. Worse than the night he came home and found you naked in Brady’s bed. This pain felt worse than anything he'd ever felt before.

It’s excruciating. He feels like someone had punched a hole in his chest and torn out his heart. The ache in his chest surpasses the throbbing in his head.

Matt feels like he's going to cry, the desire to curl up into a ball and disappear overwhelming him and he wants to cry.

How did he even get here?

Matt doesn't remember most of last night, little snippets here and there. He remembers your Instagram post, the cutest fucking picture he's ever seen of you holding and ice cream cone and laughing, a smudge of the frozen treat dotted on your nose. He remembers grabbing a bottle the moment he got home. He remembers Noah and Elias, remembers seeing their lips moving, but doesn't remember what they said.

Before he can stop it, there are tears slipping down his cheeks. Matt is so fucking sick of crying. He's tired of feeling like this.

And he hates that he knows that it's his own damn fault.

The idea of seeing you again - of you seeing him like this - makes his skin crawl. He promised to leave you alone after the game, and he’s ashamed that all it took was an Instagram post and a little too much liquor for him to come crawling back.

The selfish part of him pipes up again. You can't help it. You love her. She's yours.

Being here, in your apartment, your bedroom, makes Matt dizzy. He needs to leave. Now.

He’s in such a rush to leave, roughly wiping at the tears on his face, he almost doesn't notice the pair of pills on the nightstand, a glass of water set on a coaster beside them. He hesitates for a moment, but decides that he doesn't want to feel like a trainwreck for the rest of the day, and downs the pills with a gulp of water.

There's clattering in the kitchen, preventing him from a stealthy escape. Matt is shocked when you don't let him leave, head spinning with exhaustion and confusion and really - just your presence. He can't stop staring at you. Even like this, in a hoodie and leggings, Matt thinks you're the most beautiful fucking thing he's ever seen.

This is too domestic. He shouldn't be here. This is too intimate. Too much.

This isn't for you. Brady is the one who should be here. Matt flinches when the thought slithers into his head, but before he can make it out the door, you're turning from the stove and practically yelling at him to sit. You sound like his mom, he thinks, but sits anyways.

When you ask him about Autumn, Matt thinks he might die. Right then and there, he wishes the floor would swallow him whole. But instead of that happening, his stupid fucking mouth moves to vomit out the words before his brain catches up. “I was sick of seeing him hurt you, I watched him hurt you for so long, Y/N, I held you while you cried and I - I never want to be the one to make you feel like that.”

This was the most you'd spoken in months, and even through the pain of seeing you again, Matt can't help but be overcome with relief. You didn't hate him. Matt feels dazed through the rest of the conversation, just barely focusing as a result of your presence addling his brain even as you snap at him to shut up. Until - until -

“..Brady and I are not together…he’s not it for me.”

Matt freezes, the words rattling inside his skull.

Not it for me not it for me not it for me

Matt shoves half a piece of French toast in his mouth, barely chewing it before swallowing and repeating your words back to him. You laugh at his bewilderment, your fingers curling around his own as you speak.

He's going to kill Brady, he decides as he finishes off the rest of his toast, immediately. His little brother is a menace and it’s finally going to catch up to him.

But he needs to hear you say it first. He needs it.

Then Matt is tugging you to stand up, and your hands are wrapping around his neck as he gets closer.

And you say it.

“I love you too Matty.”

And then he's kissing you.

Finally - finally - he's kissing you and you love him.

You love him.

Matt feels like he wants to cry again, this time for a completely different reason. The pain he'd felt this morning starts to drain away as you press yourself closer to him, hand slipping up to card through his curls. He pulls back to look at you for a moment, grin so wide he thinks his face might break. He leans in again, giving you one, two, three, four more kisses. With every kiss, Matt feels a piece of his heart returning to its place.

“Say it again,” he pleads, eyes fluttering closed as you whisper against his lips.

“I love you, Matthew, more than anything, I love you.”

And later, when you're giggling against his mouth on the couch as his fingers graze your ticklish sides and you're whispering the three words over and over and over again, he knows it's true.

He's it for you, you're it for him.

Matt loves you.

But more importantly, you love him.

FIN (for real this time)

#ta daaa #matthew tkachuk #brady tkachuk #all for you series #calgary flames #ottawa senators #hockey #nhl #imagine #smut #angst #my writing #nhl imagine #hockey imagine

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quarantineddreamer · 3 years

Text

i’ve been absent, and i can’t be sorry (it’s been necessary), but i do miss this community and having the energy/time to participate.

in truth, it’s been a challenging past few months for me...

don’t want to bore anyone, so details below (tw: depression, anxiety, parental troubles, covid)

i was really fortunate to be really close to my family growing up. i had a great relationship with my parents. which is why it has been that much more painful for me this past year to have them slowly driven from me by the absurdity of current politics. i didn’t see it coming, i didn’t think my parents could become science deniers. and yet here i am...

i tried with everything i had to teach/reach them, but ultimately the stress of it all was causing my anxiety to reach extremely unhealthy levels. for my own health and sanity, i wrote them a long, heartfelt letter explaining why i would not be talking to them for the time being (as they refused to get vaccinated and began to behave dangerously, no masks, frequent outings, seeing lots of people). that was july.

august my parents visited my hometown. i did not see them or speak to them. my birthday passed, i did not see them or speak to them...

i spoke with my mother once, in september...and it’s all still just as bad. there was shouting, cursing, crying (mostly me tbh). she’s stubbornly clinging to her beliefs drilled into her by right-wing media. i wont get into them, but it’s conspiracy level bad... she got covid, she kept it from me and my brother until afterwards. miraculously she was okay despite taking “medicine” that has been proven to be ineffective against covid and potentially dangerous while sick to boot... it’s made her even more determined to cling to her insane theories about the vaccine, covid treatments, the government all of it...

i told her my life would continue without her and dad: i might get engaged (probably would have on my anniversary except my partner felt bad i wasnt talking to them at the time), married, who knows... covid isn’t going away anytime soon, and i cant agree to disagree with her on this. it matters too much to me that they be safe. if i let it go and something were to happen to her and my dad...i’d never forgive myself for it.

i’m not saying mine is the correct approach. i have been plagued with doubt and guilt off and on. my mom has used language that makes me feel like this is all my fault, for being anxious, for being depressed, for not just letting her have her dangerous opinions... but at the end of the day despite the pain and grief i feel for not having my parents right now, i am still better off than i was before. fewer panic attacks, able to focus at work, able to at least sleep some now.

i started anti-depressants when my mental health hit an all-time low during all of this, and they’ve been helping too. i really didn’t want to get back on them, but i believe they’ve saved my life.

sadly, between all this (and busy times at work) i’ve had very little time, focus, or motivation to write. i’ve barely been on here. to be completely honest, naps after work are common. the extra rest has become important. i’ve developed a sudden interest in true crime documentaries and sad movies?? i was very confused by this at first, since i’ve never ever had an interest before, but my therapist says its how im processing my trauma and grief lol

but why write all this out on tumblr, B? well... i like to scream into the abyss here, and i also want to be completely open about my struggles and mental health, because i was at my worst when i felt utterly alone, and if this post helps even one person who might be experiencing similar feel less alone than it’s worth it.

and i also wanted to let this community know why i’ve suddenly dropped off because it is a place that has brought my joy even during the chaos of the past year or so. i am going to be participating in the upcoming zkmbb and still have my other projects ready and waiting for me to return, but for now, the queue is going to be up and running and i’ll be a bit quieter as i fight my way through this and have to dedicate extra time to self-care.

i hope no one relates to this post, i really do, because it all hurts a lot and i dont want anyone to feel this pain, but if you do? you are a warrior, i admire your strength and courage --and i am sending you so much love.

best wishes all,

#long post #an explanation #some stream of consciousness #who knows #i just felt the urge to throw this all out there #personal

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neonwizardheehee · 2 years

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ok since you've said you have something to say about The Penguin go right ahead xD I enjoyed you talking about The Riddler

This totally made my weekend for I've been thinking a lot about this (and also went to the cinema again to check if Penguin is wearing purple socks or not) and that's why it took me a few to answer :)

Okay firstly I gotta say that I'm pretty biased with dear Ozzie and with me rewatching Gotham over and over I def got used to his looks there. (fun fact: I didn't really care for the Penguin in Gotham at first bc I couldn't get my head around him looking pretty suddenly and now I'm simping over him bc he's so pretty XDDDD)

Onto the new movie now: (minor spoiler warning about characters and places) At first I wasn't too put off my his looks per se since it seemed they were going for a more "comic-accurate" appearance with the scarred face and disformed nose and such. It confuses me a bit why they took Colin Farell and made him look like this tho. That's why I watched Total Recall with him to have a bit more knowledge and views on him and boi he does he serve! Now, I'm even more confused why they took an actor with a vibe of a very handsome and charismatic guy to play Pengy XD

Nevertheless during the movie I was mostly confused by his height. in most of the media where Penguin shows up, he's tiny if not super-tiny. And in the current one, he's actually tall? Why? :'') Tbh during my first viewing of the movie I just put it aside like "okay maybe they are just going for a new Penguin thingy now. Kinda like going pretty with Gotham or going feral like with Batman Returns" since I was mostly just hyped to see my boi. During my second time viewing tho it bothered me quite a bit since I felt as if Oswald has been put as a brute - judging by his tall appearance and slightly "unnecessary" comments sometimes.

But the best things imo was seeing the Iceberg Loung! Sure it was totally new and different from previous ones but WOW it blew my mind and I didn't know I needed Techno(?) playing in the Iceberg Lounge until this movie!! That was AMAZING! This is a new route I def like and didn'T expect. Also Oz being SO SO smooth and cool in that scene just *chef's kiss* mans knows how to run a club and that's what I love him for. (him addressing Batman as "sweetheart" or smth makes me wanna go feral ;P)

In the end I was originally a bit sad that he wasn't the main villain of the story BUT since Riddler did it SO SO well I take that and I'm not mad at all bc they all deserve their limelight and it was SO well made. That's a cool thing about the Batman Universe that it's just reaccuring characters and places and they aren't necessarily main focus of the plotline but make a viewer feel like they are really in Gotham and not some random city bc ofc is the Iceberg Lounge on of THE places to be and ofc Pengy is involved when it's a story about Mafia and corruption.

A little background info I checked was that I (after one year) got my hands on the Penguin Pain & Prejudice comic which said on the back was an inspiration for the new movie - unfortunately I couldn't find any besides the penguin's facial appearance :(. It does make sense tho since the movie doesn't focus on Pengy at all while that's the whole purpose of the comic XD

Oz felt a bit too one-dimensional in the movie for me bc I am super used to his long development (in Gotham or Pain & Prejudice) and backstories. When I asked my sis she said she didn't mind the new Penguin at all and sees this movie as his start of climbing up the criminal ladder while I assumed he was already pretty high up. So ig we have to wait for more content (maybe the next movie?) for he's been clearly set up to be major crime boss from now on.

In the end I have to say that my happiness about seeing him on the big big screen again after so so many years outweighs pretty much everything but that fangirl in me def misses some of his iconic traits and his tiny appearance ;P

#it feels a lot like: einem geschenkten gaul schaut man nich ins maul ;P #and in my dream i can imagine robin lord taylor or handsome colin farrel ehehehe #the penguin #the batman #tysm again for indulging me here q.q #le uwu

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obx-saltlife · 4 years

Text

PAINT

Pairing: JJ x Reader You want to redecorate. JJ wants to help. Your plans change. Loosely based on the song Paint – Travis Garland Feat. Jojo Warnings: Smut (duh!), unprotected sex (please be responsible and do not do this), inappropriate use of paint (honestly, like what?) 3.2k of absolute filth tbh.

A/N: hoookay, here it is. More JJ smut. Enjoy and let me know how you like it!

“Oh, dude! What! I thought you weren’t gonna start today!”

Jumping from your spot in the middle of your mostly cleared out bedroom, you clutched your chest and held the half-poster with your other hand. Moving forward, you turned around to find the culprit of your almost heart attack.

“Shit, JJ! How did you get in here?” You asked as he moved from his spot by the door of room to approach you.

“Your mom was on her way out,” JJ Maybank replied, kicking off his beat up boots. “Is that what’s-his-name and Mila Kunis?”

Glancing back at the poster you were holding up, you flattened it out against the wall. A small cringe finding its way onto your face, not exactly sure what you were thinking with your previous choice in room décor. “Natalie Portman, actually.”

Nodding, JJ moved towards you and helped you rip the tape off the poster lightly. He didn’t notice the small confused look you shot his way. While you had planned to start the process of painting your bedroom, JJ was supposed to be taking his Touron Girl of the Month on a date. It’s exactly why you had picked precisely that moment to put your mind to something else. So you could forget that he was out and about with someone else – someone who wasn’t you. You’d always been very determined so it was no surprise that if you put your mind to re-painting your bedroom, you were going to get it done but it was definitely a surprise that JJ had cut his date short.

“You want some help?” He asked, moving towards the plastic tarp and other things you had set up to the side.

“I would love some, but what happened to….Lacey? Kacey? Macy?” You started. “uh, your date, what happened to your date?” You said, turning to him.

Glancing briefly in your direction, JJ averted his eyes to the painting supplies at his fingertips. “Oh, you know, it ended early. Stage Five clinger.” He ended mimicking the sound of a walkie-talkie and chuckling.

Cocking an eyebrow, you replied, “You could tell she was clingy in less than an hour?”

Grabbing the plastic tarp, JJ extended it and began setting it up on the floor as he continued, “Well, no. But I figured as much when she started going on about coming to visit during her breaks from school and shit.”

Laughing, you slapped a hand to your forehead. “I told you something was off way back at that kegger, man. I’m never wrong, Maybank.”

Throwing his head back in a lazy laugh, he groaned. “Yes, I know. I should have listened to my best friend, but I have needs okay? I’m a young boy, so weak…” He drifted off, laughing at his own joke.

Smirking, you turned back around and helped him finish extending the tarp all over the floor. “You say that as if you’re not already sex on legs to all the other Tourons, hanging on all the stupid shit that you say.” You threw the poster on the ground with the tarp, really seeing no use for it anymore.

Clicking his tongue in the obnoxious way you hated, JJ reached over and pushed you gently. “Do you want me to help you or not? Wouldn’t wanna interrupt all the hard work you’ve obviously already done all by yourself.”

“Of course I want your help,” Rolling your eyes, you moved to grab the paint cans you had picked up from the hardware store earlier that morning.

Walking back to the center of the room, you heard JJ shuffle and follow. Lifting the top of the can open, you made sure it was still the right shade of blue that you wanted to use for your own little space in the house. You sighed and stirred the paint a bit before pouring it onto the tray in front of you. You let it air out before standing up and leaning against the previously plastic-covered dresser. A comfortable silence fell between both of you as the paint aired out.

“Do you think it’s possible?” JJ finally asked, eyeing the poster in the corner of the floor.

“Do I think what’s possible?”

“Casual sex, you know, like, with a friend?”

Shrugging, you looked towards the poster again. “I don’t know. It depends on the people and their situation, I guess. Feelings can be a pain in the ass.”

“But it worked out for them, didn’t it?” JJ pressured, moving closer to where you had started dipping the rod in the paint.

You giggled, “Yeah, but it’s a chick targeted movie. I’m pretty sure if I had someone directing my life, I wouldn’t be painting inside on this beautiful day with you.”

Mocking offense, JJ retorted, “And what exactly would you be doing instead?”

Raising your eyebrows, you turned back around to the bare wall as you started applying the first coat of paint.

‘You, for one’ You thought with a smirk as you continued slathering the paint on the wall. Shrugging, you barely turned in his direction, “Just…other things.”

Repeating the process of dipping the rod into the tray, you continued painting the wall in front of you before turning back around to JJ who was watching you intently.

“Cheer up, JJ! We can watch the movie again later and your dick can live vicariously through Ashton’s as he does Natalie Portman.” You said, turning back to the task at hand.

You both fell into a rhythm as JJ shed his cut-off tank and grabbed the spare rod before helping you add color to your dull bedroom walls. It wasn’t hard for you to work as a team; your friendship went back a few years now, when your genius wit helped him get out of some trouble with Officer Shoupe.

Your friendship only grew from there, even after all the dumb shit you and JJ did (and there was a lot of dumb shit), you remained best friends; always together, for better or for worse, through thick and thin. Pogues for life. Your relationship had always been platonic, up until six months ago.

It started at a bonfire in the middle of the summer. After downing a couple beers and taking a nice long walk along the beach, you confessed to JJ the disaster that your first kiss had been. In his drunken stupor, JJ demanded to “fix it” for you. As you continued to ramble on, JJ swept in and kissed you.

The kiss was sloppy and the distinct taste of cheap beer, weed and a very far off hint of mint kind of ruined it, but from there, a new can of worms had been opened. Feelings weaved in and it had all been extremely confusing to say the least. His naturally flirtatious attitude with everybody put a sour feeling in the pit of your stomach and you could hear the irritated tone in his voice when you mentioned another guy friend from work. The sexual tension was definitely there too and despite neither of you making any move for more, it only increased.

JJ liked to play it hot and cold so there was no telling how he’d reach to his friend suddenly making a move to rip his pants off.

Pushing your thoughts to the side, you returned your attention to the now half-finished wall. You dipped the rod in the tray once again and a sly smirk spread on your face. You scooted towards JJ and turned inconspicuously, throwing him a smile when he turned and looked down at you.

You both remained quiet as you worked for the most part, only the odd sigh or grunt here and there, the music playing at a super low volume. JJ was completely focused and surprisingly taking it all very seriously. That is until you heard him snort when you bent over in your shorts to fix the dripping rod.

Feeling his eyes on you, you looked up at him. “What?” You asked as he looked down at you.

He motioned with his hand to your bent over body and playfully rolled his eyes. “Don’t…don’t do that.”

Cocking your head to the side, you played it off like you didn’t know what he was talking about before turning back to the problematic dripping rod.

You were almost done, a triumphant look making its way to your face when you felt something cold against your thigh. You felt paint drip as JJ slapped his hand on your exposed thigh before gasping loudly.

“What the hell, Maybank!?” You shrieked before dipping your fingers into the tray of paint in front of you and flicking it in his direction.

The ocean blue paint splattered over his defined torso before he let out a loud laugh. Looking over to your best friend, you noticed his eyes had intensified in color, contrasting against their usually hazy appearance. His eyes were trained on you, capturing your full attention. While his head remained still, he ran his hand over the rod, scooping up excess paint and copied your flicking motion right back at you. Never had you seen JJ in this light before and it intrigued you, to say the least.

“Don’t start something you can’t finish,” JJ spoke up; a smirk on his lips and a glint in his eyes.

“Oh?” You smiled coyly, stepping forward and straight up planting your hand on his chest, leaving a paint mark on it.

You bit your lip, “Do you want me to?...finish it?” Inching closer, his hand gravitated back to your exposed thighs. Holding his eyes contact, the right side of your mouth tugged up in a smile.

JJ swallowed hard. “Painting? You want to uh, finish painting?”

‘I’d rather finish you’ You thought, biting your lip again. You simply nodded, knowing your thoughts would make their way out of your mouth if you did otherwise.

Smirking at you, JJ leaned towards you and whispered in your ear. “Then why don’t I believe you?”

He parted his lips to speak but you brought his head back up and crashed your lips together. You could tell he was stunned by your abruptness with his lips staying completely still but JJ was quickly brought into the mood when you felt him nip at your bottom lip. Gasping at his teeth nipping at your lip, you placed your hands on his warm chest, pulling him closer to you. Grabbing the back of your head, paint taking residence in the strands of your hair, he pushed your face closer to his.

Your right hand, still with some leftover paint, traveled to his neck. Your fingernails ran lightly along his neck, leaving traces of the blue pigment. As your nails left his mark on his skin, JJ’s mouth left your own and his tongue ran shyly along your jawline, leaving wet kisses along it before moving down to your neck. You felt his free hand leave a trail of the blue paint alongside your chin and the rest of your neck as he sponged kisses down your throat.

The t-shirt you were wearing was much too big for your frame, allowing JJ to easily pull the shirt up and over your head without much effort. Your mouth dropped, forming an ‘o’ shape, you gripped the nape of his neck, the rest of the paint on your hand finding its way onto the hairs on the back of his head. You guided his head down towards your chest. Feeling you trying to take over the situation, JJ inadvertently reached into the nearby paint can and stepped away from you briefly. A sly smirk donning his face as he flicked his fingers towards your body once more; specks of blue littering your chest before he waved his fingers in a disapproving manner. You gasped in surprise.

“Not tonight,” JJ said, pulling you down to the floor with him. “I’m gonna make you a believer.” You both laughed as he playfully flicked some more paint in your direction.

As he took in your body in front of him, your eyes traced his own. His chest was a little broad and well defined, the clear outline of a ‘V’ defined his hips and disappeared in the waistband of his boxers and his cargo shorts. You pulled your body up so your elbows were resting on the plastic tarp covering the floor as JJ busied himself with his belt buckle. You dipped your fingers into the paint tray and ran two digits down his abs with a smile on your face. With only his belt unbuckled and pants unbuttoned, JJ crawled his way back to you before spreading his legs and bending back down to your chest.

Kissing the hollow space between your collarbones, he moved his head to trail his wet lips along your sternum. Your breathing picked up when JJ moved his head to the left, kissing along the swell of your breast. As his mouth ran along the curvature, his other hand moved to the waistband of the old shorts you were wearing. As JJ undid the button with ease, he ran just the tip of his tongue from the outer part of your breast to your nipple, tracing the areola. The combined sensation of his wet tongue, drying paint and talented fingers rubbing against your underwear, had you curving your back; pushing your chest forward towards him.

Picking up his head, JJ looked at you with his signature shit-eating grin. “Enjoying yourself, are ya’?”

While your body might have given in to JJ, you weren’t ready to verbally admit it yet. Steadying your breathing, you let out a quick, “Not yet.”

Raising an eyebrow, JJ asked, “Not even when I do this?” before lowering his head back to your chest and pursing his lips to take your right nipple in his mouth before sucking it hard.

You pressed your lips together to prevent the moan that vibrated against your vocal chords to escape. You weren’t about to give JJ the satisfaction. You shook your head again as you watched JJ look up at you again.

“Hmm, shame,” JJ replied, bringing his mouth back up to your neck. “Because that little moan you just tried to stop was so fucking hot.”

You could feel his fingers slipping inside your underwear and towards your wet center.

“You don’t have anything you want to say right now?” JJ asked, as his fingers drummed against your clit.

Your breathing was ragged and you struggled to suppress any noises. You shook your head as JJ continued to play with your clit before moving down to your entrance. You were losing to his touch. Wanting to keep an upper hand, you composed yourself fast enough to reach for the zipper of JJ’s cargo shorts.

As JJ continued to whisper dirty but incredibly arousing things in your hear, you slipped your hand in his boxers fast enough so he wouldn’t notice. Feeling he was hardening, you wrapped your hand around him, throwing him completely off-guard. His fingers stopped teasing you, his voice was hitched in his throat.

Moving your hand up and down, you smiled, “Problem, JJ?”

As your hand reached the head of his cock, you ran your thumb along the slit, spreading the first drops of pre-cum around. Gasping, he composed himself just as you shifted your bodies around so that you were now sitting up and JJ was awkwardly hunched over.

JJ groaned your name.

He moved his hands to your back, running them from your shoulder blades to the small of your back. He stopped just at the edge of your underwear. Looping his hand around to your front, he slipped his hand fully into your underwear. Finding your core, he inserted a single finger, curling it upwards and aiming for your g-spot.

With the feeling of his finger pumping into you, you let out your first moan of the afternoon. Your sound caused JJ to pump faster before adding a second finger. You too, continued to pump his length in your hand, the pre-cum oozing from the tip, soothing any friction. Every so often, you would run a finger along the underside of the head, where it met the shaft, causing him to jump.

JJ’s gasps became more frequent and you relished every single one. They hinted he was getting closer to his impending orgasm. Not wanting him to find release in a hand-job, you pushed him down onto the floor. JJ fell back onto the floor with a semi-shocked look on his face. You stood up on your knees and slid your panties all the way down your legs before kicking them off. Now, being fully naked in front of him, you crawled over to JJ, pulling his shorts and boxers down his legs, leaving them in a pool of fabric at his ankles. His length fell back against his stomach and as you positioned yourself above his hips, you took his cock in your hand, guiding him into you. Once JJ filled you completely, you let out a sigh of relief before placing your hands on his chest to steady yourself.

JJ’s own hands moved up form his sides to grip your hips as you found a pace for you both. Using his hands to guide you along his dick, you grinded your hips into his pelvis, causing to blurt out all sorts of profanities.

“Fuck! Oh yeah,” JJ’s eyes rolled back in bliss.

His fingers pressed tightly into the skin of your hips as you felt him moving his hips to meet your own.

“Oh god, JJ” You gasped, quickening your pace. You switched from grinding yourself to moving up and down on his cock.

JJ’s hands traveled down from your hips and rested on your ass. He then began to help you move on top of him, his thrusts becoming harder. You could feel yourself growing closer and closer to your release as JJ’s thrusts had your insides tighten.

As you squeezed around him, your muscles clenched and JJ’s moans grew louder. “Fuck, I’m so…so close.”

Knowing you had brought him to the edge, you clenched your muscles tighter once more before you felt your orgasm explode inside of you; a tight coil, springing loose from deep inside. The evidence of your arousal coating JJ and it wasn’t too long before he followed. The spasm of your walls sent him into a state of ecstasy. His thrusts soon ceased and you felt his head twitch inside you.

With JJ softening inside of you, you leaned down and placed a delicate kiss on his cheek before sneakily dipping two fingers in a nearby paint can and smearing them on his nose. His chest was rising heavily as he tried to regulate his breathing and laughed. He grabbed your head and brought your forehead to his own. Stretching his neck somewhat, he kissed your lips softly and smiled.

“Maybe we should finish painting?” His voice gruff and raspy.

Smirking, you replied. “Dunno, I kinda like what we’re doing right now.”

Returning your smirk, JJ wrapped his arms around you. He pulled you close to him for a repeat of your actions; the painting (at least on the walls) long forgotten.

#JJ Maybank x reader #jj maybank smut #obx #outer banks #outer banks netflix #jj maybank #outer banks fanfiction #outer banks smut #outer banks imagines #obx paint #obx masterlist

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lilhwahwa · 4 years

Text

ATEEZ Reaction: S/O is scared of needles

I don’t know if you still take requests but if you do…Can you do a reaction to you going to a doctors appointment and you have to get a shot and your really scared so they come with you and comfort you?

I take requests here and there but this seemed cute so I wanted to do it!

I will do the reactions in more of real reaction rather than scenario.

MASTERLIST

Hongjoong

★ The (kinda) calm bf

★ He doesn’t really enjoy the whole hospital scene either and prefers to spend limited time there.

★ He’d tease you when you asked him to go with. After the teasing, he’d, of course, agree, who was he to deny you?

★ Would act as a parent lol. Check you in at the front desk even though you could’ve done it yourself.

★ Rubs your knee in the waiting room to calm you down.

★ “I promise I’ll buy you something delicious after it”

★ “If I could do it instead I would you know?” he’d say with pouty lips.

★ When it was time for the shot, he’d go in with you, the nurses didn’t even protest with him.

★ Would make you look deep into his soft and caring eyes so you don’t look at the needle. Would send you a flirty wink.

★ After it’s done he’d whine about how not bad it was but be proud nevertheless.

★ “Let’s go get your reward baby”

★ 10/10 worthy bringing with.

Seonghwa

★ The soft bf

★ Would think you’re kidding or being childish for fun but when he really genuinely understood you were scared, he would coo at you.

★ “Aw my baby, I will protect you from the pain” opPa will save you all

★ Would bring a bottle of water and candies for after the shot, just in case you felt ill.

★ Would pull out his whiny aegyo for you, only because you were very nervous though.

★ Would squeeze at your cheeks and nose to keep you distracted.

★ Would be polite to the nurses and tell them to take care of his baby well in a joking way (he serious tho)

★ Since he was so polite and charming the nurses let him cling onto your hand while you were getting the shot.

★ Strokes your palms and back of your hand so so gently with his thumb like with joongs hands.

★ Plans your next date to distract you from it.

★ “What was that movie you wanted to see for our next movie night baby?”

★ Would give you a big kith as a reward and pat on the head.

★ 11/10 would bring://

Yunho

★ The distractor bf

★ Would ask you if he could come along before you had the chance to ask because he already knew you’d be nervous.

★ Would make jokes on the way, during and after to keep a light mood.

★ Pouty baby when he sees how nervous you were.

★ “Is it really that scary baby?” he’d ask worriedly as he watched your face.

★ Would stand in the door frame since the room was too small and he was, the opposite of small so he didn’t fit.

★ Reaches for your hand.

★ “Squeeze if it hurts” he’d say and encourage you to actually show your fear instead of hiding it.

★ So into distracting you that he might as well bring colorful balls to juggle next time.

★ Questions, your thoughts, plans for the day. Anything to keep you talking.

★ “Keep your eyes here though baby” he’d say, not wanting you to look at the needle.

★ Vv proud, might get some weird looks from people as he picked you up from being so energized.

★ Would give you a candy as a joke but of course, you took it.

★ 10/10 would bring

Yeosang

★ Savage (but caring) bf

★ Would be dramatic about your whining about the needle.

★ Nonetheless he just wants to lighten the mood by teasing you slightly but he cares a lot…

★ “Do you want me to go with you because you’re scared or because you just want to spend more time with me?”

★ When you’d pout and turn quiet from being nervous he’d shift into a soft bf.

★ Would draw little cheering hehetmons for you.

★ Talks a lot, thinks it will distract you well.

★ Even promises to treat you to chicken after, which motivates him to comfort you too.

★ Stands by you, stroking your shoulder as he talked on and on about chicken and the members while locking your eyes in his.

★ “Wasn’t so bad now was it?”

★ Sassy bf is back again… with chicken tho

★ 9/10 would bring, but if you don’t mind his teasing, then 10/10 tbh.

San

★ Protective bf

★ Would scrunch his face at hearing that you had to get a shot.

★ But it’s for your own health so he would be convincing you about how good it is for you with a pout tho

★ “Don’t worry baby I will be there protecting you!” from a needle lol?

★ Might tease you for 1 millisecond but only because you looked so cute to him, he wants to protecc.

★ Might be a little extra and offer to bring Shiber or some plushy…

★ Hums/sings to you gently as you wait for your turn.

★ Stands beside you while stroking your head gently, encouraging to look at his dimples instead of the nurse.

★ Will feel your pain/anxiety or sense any little discomfort you have.

★ Would be proud of both of you after it’s done.

★ Nurses would coo in secret.

★ “I protected you well right?”

★ Will be cuddly and remind you about how brave you were.

★ 10/10 would bring!!

Mingi

★ Scaredy cat bf

★ He lowhighkey kind of uncomfortable with the hospital setting and apparatus too…

★ But he’d do anything for you so wouldn’t mention it.

★ Might whine a little but hide the fact that he himself was a little anxious.

★ Would give you cute smiles and gestures while waiting.

★ If you were feeling very anxious he would admit his feelings too, saying he’s also scared but that you were brave together.

★ Would let you tease him about being a cute scaredy cat BUT ONLY FOR NOW. THIS ONCE.

★ “You’re such a brave baby”

★ Would stand close to you with intertwined, sweaty hands and staring into your eyes, mostly so that he could avoid looking at the needle too.

★ “I’ve never been scared a day in my life” he’d state too proudly.

★ Would demand a kith. pls kith.

★ 10/10 would bring, soft af.

Wooyoung

★ A hot mess bf ((literally too tho…)

★ Would forget he promised to go with you so panics to get ready quickly.

★ “Of course I knew about the appointment that’s why I’m getting ready, I just lost track of time…”

★ But takes it kind of seriously tho, the shot experience?

★ Wouldn’t make too much of a deal of it, just enough…for now tho...

★ Would change when you were in the waiting room though.

★ Loud jokes, that he’d end up laughing at himself…nerves

★ He’s not very sure on how to help so just does the first things that come to mind, he’s a mess.

★ Would give you an encouraging pep talk before the shot.

★ “This is just one shot you’ll do it, be healthy and I’ll be proud and we’ll go buy something after.” rants

★ Would stand by the door frame and look at you while pulling funny faces as if the nurses didn’t see. He doesn’t care

★ Would praise himself for being the best pep talker?

★ 10/10 would bring this cutie.

Jongho

★ Chill bf

★ Would just be like, “okay, I’ll go with you” before you even opened your mouth...

★ But would feel a warm feeling in his chest because you trust him/find comfort in him.

★ Loves feeling like he’s protecting you so…

★ Very mature about it, gives you tips on how to calm down.

★ Would squeeze your hand gently as you waited.

★ “It will be okay, I’m right close by” he’d encourage.

★ Would offer for you to bite him if it hurt or something (idk my dad used to let me bite him when I was in pain ok)

★ Would stand close by quietly but with a soft and warm look in his eyes.

★ Would coo and pinch your cheek afterwards.

★ Would hold you and sway you side to side before going back to chill for the day and baby you.

★ 10/10 whipped bf, I’d bring!!

#ateez #ateez reactions #ateez reaction #ateez fluff #ateez scenario #ateez scenarios #hongjoong #seonghwa #Yunho #yeosang #san #mingi #wooyoung #jongho #kpop reaction #kpop reactions #submission

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dear-wormwoods · 4 years

Note

hey there! i am curious about your opinion regarding the different approaches to eddie's death in every media. you mention it in some metas but i don't think i've ever seen an individual post directly talking about it. i dunno, i'm just really interested! 💕

I think by far the most well done version is in the novel, mostly because it focuses entirely on Eddie during his death scene. It’s told from his POV, it’s focused on his story arc and the things he needs to overcome and accept about himself, and it’s honestly really beautifully written. Eddie’s death is about Eddie, as it should be.

I mean... with prose like this:

“Far away. Unimportant. He could feel everything running out of him along with his life’s blood . . . all the rage, all the pain, all the fear, all the confusion and hurt. He supposed he was dying but he felt . . . ah, God, he felt so lucid, so clear, like a window-pane which has been washed clean and now lets in all the gloriously frightening light of some unsuspected dawning...”

And this:

“Fading, fading back. Becoming clearer and clearer, emptying out, all of the impurities flowing out of him so he could become clear, so that the light could flow through, and if he had had time enough he could have preached on this, he could have sermonized: Not bad, he would begin. This is not bad at all. But there was something else he had to say first.”

.... There’s really no competing with it. Absolutely nothing any adaptation tries to accomplish could ever match it; Eddie’s poetic acceptance of himself, and the washing away of his fear and doubt.

In the novel, Eddie makes the choice to do what needs to be done to severely wound IT, even if that means sticking his whole-ass arm inside its mouth. He knew what could happen. He’d known it since before he even got to Derry. He’d known it since he was a child, that he’d die for his friends if that’s what it came to, if that’s what they needed from him. That Eddie is facing IT head on when he dies is a display of his agency and his bravery, and he does enough damage to make it possible for Bill and Richie to finally kill it for good.

In the miniseries his death is kind of a joke, tbh. Like I get it, they couldn’t have much gore, they had a small budget, and were limited by the special effects at their disposal. But IT literally barely touches Eddie and then he falls like two feet and gracefully dies. The most that could’ve happened to him is maybe a couple of cracked ribs and a bump on the head. But that being said, the miniseries also had Richie carry him out of the sewers slung over his back like a Big Strong Hero, which gives it major points. And because of that, it actually leaves room for an alternate ending: that Eddie simply fainted, was fine, and the comedy partner that conveniently looked exactly like Eddie actually was Eddie. Obviously.

Ch.2... well, it made Eddie’s death entirely about Richie’s pain, not Eddie’s self-acceptance. Eddie wasn’t even facing IT, wasn’t allowed to make the decision to perform self-sacrifice, because the filmmakers wanted to make his death more traumatic and shocking for Richie. The entire thing is centered on Richie, and while Bill Hader certainly acted it very well, it was just a continuation of the same trends the entire film had been following: pushing Eddie’s arc aside, forcing him to take a backseat to Richie. In the end, he assumes the roll of Dead Love Interest, a character who serves no purpose other than to be Fridged in order to fuel the protagonist’s revenge/pain. And on top of that, Eddie died for nothing anyway because all the Losers actually had to do was, apparently, bully IT to death.

I get that it’s hard to translate text to film sometimes, especially for a character whose development happens primarily through inner monologue, but if they had given Eddie’s character arc any weight and attempted to stay true to his book characterization at all, his death would have been a lot more meaningful. If they had developed Eddie as a character instead of just... y’know, letting Ransone play JDG and JDG play himself, they could’ve really done something. And if they had bothered to develop Reddie at all throughout the movie, rather than leave it for a post-mortem reveal, Richie’s reaction would have hit harder too.

#asks #stephen king's it #it novel #it 1990 #it 2019 #ch2 crit #eddie kaspbrak #eddie spaghet tea #Anonymous

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tbtssstuff · 4 years

Text

BTS reaction to kissing in the rain - Hyung line

+RE-UPLOAD+

AN: Tbh this is such a common trope... and I’m a SUCKER for it.

Masterlist | Maknae line

-TJ / TacoAdmin 🌮

Jin

You were so excited for today to finally come! Jin was coming back from tour and you missed your boyfriend so much. You decided to surprise him by cooking his favorite meals and wearing his favorite little black dress.

Not only had you missed him and his strong arms around you, but you also hadn’t had sex since he left. Not even phone sex, even if you tried to convince him and you were very persuasive, he insisted on waiting because it was already torture not being able to hold you.

He was sweet like that. Looking at the clock it was about noon and his flight should be getting in at 5, then it would take him half an hour to get here from the airport. So you had a lot of time which was good because you still had to go to the store to get everything. You headed up stairs to shower and get dressed to go out, giggling the whole time.

A few hours later and everything was almost set! You looked stunning in your black dress, heels, and make up. Your hair was up in an elegant ponytail and was wearing the necklace and matching earrings Jin got you for your birthday. The food was made and the candles were lit.

The only thing missing was well… Jin.

He hadn’t texted you when he landed like you expected him to, heck you didn’t even know where he was. You had called him several times, but he didn’t answer. You were especially worried once you heard the thunder roar and then it started pouring.

“Jinnie.. Where are you?” You asked yourself watching the candle burn.

When 8 o clock rolled around the candle was burned out and you were really starting to freak out. He still hadn’t answered your texts or calls and he still hasn’t shown up yet.

Getting fed up you grabbed your coat and raced out the door.

Once you got halfway down the road you were met with a very tired Jin under an umbrella, carrying his bags.

“(Y/N)? What are you doing? You’re soaked!”

He rushed to you and attempted to cover you with the umbrella, but you cut him off by kissing his lips, causing him to drop it. You didn’t care that your hair was ruined or that your make up was running, all you cared about was the man in your arms and that he was safe.

Namjoon

Namjoon and you had been planning this road trip for months. You took a lot of time off work and he just finished his tour. You two had traveled across the ocean to California to start. From there you went through Nevada and were finally running out of gas almost to Utah.

“Where is the nearest gas station Joon?”

You glanced from the road to your best friend beside you who had his nose buried in a map.

“Umm I think four miles up the road.”

You hummed and continued down the road. It was night time when you reached the gas station in the middle of nowhere and it was really scary.

“Joon are you sure there isn’t a different gas station that’s… more lit?”

He shook his head and folded the map. “Only one for miles.”

Well that was just great. It was an old station too, the kind you see in movies where the pump isn’t under a roof and you could also hear the rumbling of thunder.

“Sketchy station and rain. Fun.”

He laughed at your dry humor and got out of the car. “Just quickly pump the gas (Y/N). I’ll go inside and see if the cashier knows where a hotel is. Want any snacks?”

“Just a soda and please hurry.”

He nodded and made his way inside to pay for food and gas. You got out of the car and stood by the pump. Five minutes passed and Namjoon still isn’t back. You were getting scared and not for him, he’s a big man and can handle himself, but for yourself. What if there a killer lurking around? And during that time it had started raining and you were soaked to the bone.

If you didn’t catch a cold or end up dead after this it would be a miracle.

You rubbed your arms and shivered, but then you felt a jacket being put on your shoulders. You screamed and turned around to hit your attacker, but they caught your wrist.

“Woah woah! (Y/N) it’s me!”

“God Namjoon you scared me! Where were you and why was it taking so long? I was freaking out and i'm cold and wet and I thought you got attac-”

He cut you off by kissing your lips. You were so shocked that you didn’t know what to do. Namjoon has been your best friend and crush for years and here you are, kissing him.

He pulled back slowly, looking into your eyes. “Sorry, but you were rambling and it seemed like the right thing to do. I hope I didn’t make things awkward.”

You wrapped your arms around his shoulder, pulling him closer. “Now you shut up and kiss me Namjoon.” He smiled and leaned to meet your lips.

Yoongi

“Hey Hobi? Have you seen Yoongi? He hasn’t texted me back.” Hoseok looked up from his cereal bowl, mouth full of lucky charms, and pointed in the direction of the Genius Lab. You should have guessed because their comeback was in a month. Yoongi must be feeling a lot of pressure right now which means he was probably forgetting to eat.

“Do you think Jin would mind if I used the kitchen?”

Hobi shrugged. “Probably not.”

You nodded and got to work making Yoongi’s favorite food. When it was finally ready you went to his studio and thankfully he had given you the pass code.

“Yoongi?”

He had his headphones on and was completely in his zone. It was never a good idea to mess with him in this kind of state, but you could already see the bags under his eyes. You set the plate on the desk beside him and waited to see if he would notice. He always had a strange way of sensing you, which sucked when you wanted to surprise him, but he didn’t seem to notice.

“Yoongi,” you tapped his shoulder,”You need to eat.”

He didn’t respond.

“Yoongi.” Still nothing.

Getting fed up you ripped his headphones off his head and turned him around.

“Min Yoongi I swear to god if you don’t stop and eat I will shove this food down your throat!”

Oh man if looks could kill you would be dead.

Yoongi was so mad that you A) could have broken his headphones with the force you ripped them off his head and B) got in the way of his work. Those were two things you should have known not to do and you did both.

“(Y/N) get out.”

You crossed your arms, standing your ground. “Not until you eat.”

He rose from his chair and stared down at you with the most hateful look you’d ever seen. You wanted to shrink away from him, but you knew that if you didn’t face him head on nothing would change.

You thought he would never hurt you, but you didn't seem to realize the magnitude of the situation. Yoongi roughly grabbed you by your upper arm, dragged you to the door, opening it and shoving you out. Your back hit the wall and you let out a groan of pain.

“Do not come back.”

And with that he shut the door. Never in the 3 years you’ve known Yoongi had you seen him that mad. Hobi had heard mostly all of what went down and he was at your side making sure you were okay.

“You know he didn’t mean that right?”

You nodded, too stunned to say anything. Whatever happened next was a blur and somehow you ended up in your room, crying into your pillow.

When you woke up the next day it was one in the afternoon and it was raining outside. Staring out your window at the rain reminded you of high school. When you were sad you would walk in the rain for hours, yes it made you sick, but you always felt better after. Like the rain washed away your pain.

You got up and decided to go to the park you had met Yoongi in. Looking around at all the trees brought back memories. They were done filming Run BTS and he bumped into you while trying to get to the car. You both apologized at the same time and he smiled at you with that gummy smile of his.

The smile you loved so much. The smile you hadn’t seen in months.

Was this really it for you two? One angry moment and then you break up?

You were sitting on a park bench, thinking and crying, when you noticed someone was standing in front of you. You looked up to see Yoongi, panting and he had a huge band aid on his cheek.

“Yoong-”

“I’m so sorry (Y/N). I was so horrible yesterday and I hurt you.”

“Yoongi what’s going-”

“Please let me finish. Hoseok knocked some sense into me this morning, literally,” he gestured to the band aid on his face, “and I realized that what I did was wrong and unforgivable, but..”

Yoongi took your hands into his and pulled you off the bench. “Please don’t leave me. I love you, (Y/N).”

You teared up more and shook your head slowly, “I know you were under a lot of stress because of the comeback, Yoongi, and I don’t hold it against you.” He cupped your cheek in his hand, stroking it gently.

“You should though…”

“But I don’t. Just promise me you won’t do that again, eat and sleep more, and kiss me.”

He smiled his cute gummy smile causing you to smile back. There was the smile you missed so much. Yoongi leaned in and kissed you with every ounce of love he had, signifying he would never ever hurt you again.

Hoseok

You had always been a hopeless romantic. Watching all the movies, TV shows, reading the books, anything that would be cheesy was right up your alley. You never thought you were going to be able to find that kind of love or do those kinds of things until you met Hoseok.

Because your little sister was such a big fan of BTS, you didn’t think they were half bad either, you surprised her for her birthday with tickets to their next concert. Front row tickets too.

During the show Hoseok caught your eye.

He was cute and bubbly, smiling every chance he got, but during some songs he was the hottest thing you had ever seen.

The hip thrusts alone was enough to make your legs feel like jelly. It was lucky for you that he noticed you as well and was even more smitten.

At the fan sign when he saw you again he instantly asked for your number and then the rest was history. Now here you are, a year later, snuggled up against your boyfriend watching a romantic movie.

You two were going to go on a walk, but the weather had other plans for you since it was raining outside. The movie was about to come to an end with the couple dramatically confessing in the rain and kissed.

To you that was the most romantic thing you’d ever seen. You sighed happily and played with Hoseok’s hand which rested on your thigh.

“Hey Hobi?”

“Yeah?”

You looked up at him with your best puppy eyes, knowing he was weak to them.

“Can we kiss in the rain like that?”

“What? What if we get sick?”

“We can just take care of each other. Please?”

He knew he couldn’t say no to you and he liked that you were such a hopeless romantic. He took your hand into his and led you outside into the pouring rain, instantly soaking you two. You couldn’t believe he was doing this for you!

“(Y/N) we’ve been together for a year now and it’s been the best of my life.”

He trailed off and reached into his back pocket. He could feel his heart pounding as he pulled out a tiny box and got down on one knee, a little scared when you gasped.

“(Y/N) (L/N) will you marry me?”

He asked opening the box to reveal a beautiful ring. Tears started flowing down your face and you nodded eagerly.

“Yes! Yes Hoseok I will!!”

He smiled big, stood, and placed the ring on your finger.

“This is the best day of my life.”

“I couldn’t agree more.”

With that he kissed you gently before it turned slightly passionate and he picked you up, spinning around.

#bts imagines #bts scenarios #bts reactions #bts x reader #bts imagine #kim seokjin #kim seokjin x reader #kim namjoon #kim namjoon x reader #min yoongi #min yoongi x reader #jung hoseok #jung hoseok x reader #tbtsstuff #tacoadmin

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kayliemusing · 3 years

Text

1: Name - Kaylie

2: Age - 23

3: 3 Fears - Spiders, failure, loss

4: 3 things I love - Reading, writing, Taylor Swift

5: 4 turns on - Kindness, nice hands, humor, someone who has a really warm heart.

6: 4 turns off - Arrogance, moustaches lmao, narcissism, basket ball shorts *shudders*

7: My best friend - Her name is Megan (but also my mom lmao)

8: Sexual orientation - Heterosexual

9: My best first date - I have never been on a date.

10: How tall am I - 5'2

11: What do I miss - My childhood mostly

12: What time were I born - 2:45 pm

13: Favorite color - Red, but sometimes a nice summery, pastel yellow

14: Do I have a crush - no

15: Favorite quote - I have so many that I can't say my utmost favourite, but one that I always think about is from Richard Siken "He was pointing at the moon but I was looking at his hand." I'm not even sure how this is supposed to be interpreted, but I just love the detail of this. Of someone looking at the moon and pointing at it, but you're looking at their hand because you're that consumed by them and also they're like your moon. anyway-

16: Favorite place - My house lol

17: Favorite food - Cheesecake

18: Do I use sarcasm - Yes, but very dryly

19: What am I listening to right now - Nothing actually. I'm just sitting in the quiet.

20: First thing I notice in new person - I used to think it was physical, like eyes or their smile, but I think it's actually their demeanor. i.e., confidence, if they're laid back, talkative or quiet, etc. Or even just how they handle things. Like when I'm at work and I meet a new co-worker I'm always noticing how they are with people.

21: Shoe size - 6.5 US but I can manage a 7 US too.

22: Eye color - Grey

23: Hair color - Ashy blonde, but I usually get it highlighted to be a brighter blonde

24: Favorite style of clothing - I'm super into the French girl vibe right now (elegany, classy, ribbed sweaters tucked into high waisted jeans or dress pants, a blazer thrown over and a nice gold necklace) but I'm also really into a summery boho look (flowy maxi dresses and skirts)

25: Ever done a prank call? No

27: Meaning behind my URL - On this account, it's just my name and then 'muses' because this account is just me talking to myself tbh. My main account is called autumnsletters which is just a combo of my fav things: autumn and handwritten love letters, and finally, my embarrassing taylor swift account is called sixteenavenue which is a lyric from her song I Think He Knows where she mentions her heart skipping down sixteenth avenue.

28: Favorite movie - I feel like i don't have one answer bc I always have a different answer to this question lmao. I think it's called A Christmas Carol (the 2009 version w/ Jim Carrey). It just makes me feel cozy and warm inside. Also: Clueless.

29: Favorite song - All Too Well by Taylor Swift I think.

30: Favorite band - Of Monsters and Men

31: How I feel right now - I actually feel really happy today, which is a change lol. I had an awful week last week, but over the last couple of days I've just felt more creative and happier.

32: Someone I love - My mom

33: My current relationship status - Single

34: My relationship with my parents - Excellent.

35: Favorite holiday - Christmas

36: Tattoos and piercing i have -0 :'(

37: Tattoos and piercing i want - I want to get my ears pierced again bc the holes grew over. Low key want a nose piericing and low key want a tattoo on my collarbone (or somewhere around there)

38: The reason I joined Tumblr - Because everyone else had it and I felt left out LOL

39: Do I and my last ex hate each other? - I don't have an ex

40: Do I ever get “good morning” or “good night ” texts? - No

41: Have I ever kissed the last person you texted? - No i've never been kissed rip

42: When did I last hold hands? - never but it's ok bc i can hold my own hand

43: How long does it take me to get ready in the morning? - Depending on what I'm doing. If I showered the night before and I'm just doing a very low-maintenance look, roughly 15-20 mins. On a normal day in which I shower in the morning and am trying to actually be presentable, roughly an hour.

44: Have I shaved your legs in the past three days? - Have YOU shaved MY legs? No. Have I shaved my own? Yes

45: Where am I right now? - My room

46: If I were drunk & can’t stand, who’s taking care of me? - Most likely I'm not drunk, but IF I WAS, it would be my friend, my mom, or my sister (my sister would probs make fun of me and film me tho tbh)

47: Do I like my music loud or at a reasonable level? - Loud if I'm jamming with nothing else to do but sing along. If I'm trying to do something, I'll turn it down bc I can't focus with loud music (especially if I'm trying to write something/talk to someone/text someone)

48: Do I live with my Mom and Dad? - My mom bc my dads dead

49: Am I excited for anything? - My sister and I are going to Banff in about three weeks so I'm excited for a getaway.

50: Do I have someone of the opposite sex I can tell everything to? - No

51: How often do I wear a fake smile? - I work in retail so

52: When was the last time I hugged someone? - I don't know. I think I hugged my mom at some point this week lol

53: What if the last person I kissed was kissing someone else right in front of me? - Bye bye babyyyy

54: Is there anyone I trust even though I should not? - my cat

55: What is something I disliked about today? - I had to go to work

56: If I could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be? - Taylor Alison Swift baby

57: What do I think about most? - Probably Taylor Swift.

58: What’s my strangest talent? - I can make stomach gurgling noises with my mouth closed.

59: Do I have any strange phobias? - Nah, pretty generic ones

60: Do I prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it? - Behind the camera

61: What was the last lie I told? - Some lady asked if a product was good and I said yes so I wouldn't have to help her find another one

62: Do I prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online? - Neither what the hell

63: Do I believe in ghosts? How about aliens? - Neither

64: Do I believe in magic? - No

65: Do I believe in luck? - No

66: What's the weather like right now? - It's calm, but a little cloudy. It was really warm and sunny earlier, but it's gotten a little grey.

67: What was the last book I've read? - I just finished this series called The Winner's Curse by Marie Rutkoski and it was so good but so stressful omg. Still 5/5 stars.

68: Do I like the smell of gasoline? - Yes

69: Do I have any nicknames? - Not really, but sometimes my coworkers call my Kayls

70: What was the worst injury I've ever had? - Oh my god when I was like 10 I fell during grounders and the bar hit me right on the cooch. Most painful event of my entire life.

71: Do I spend money or save it? - Spend it bitch

72: Can I touch my nose with a tongue? - No

73: Is there anything pink in 10 feet from me? - yes!! my blanket!!

74: Favorite animal? - I love hippos and I don't know why.

75: What was I doing last night at 12 AM? - Reading on my phone to avoid sleeping so I could prolong not going to work

76: What do I think is Satan’s last name is? - Devil. Kind of like Satan The Devil is his full name

77: What’s a song that always makes me happy when I hear it? - Shake It Off

78: How can you win my heart? - Learning Taylor Swift's entire discography for my sake

79: What would I want to be written on my tombstone? - tbh I really don't know

80: What is my favorite word? - Wonderstruck

81: My top 5 blogs on tumblr - n/a

82: If the whole world were listening to me right now, what would I say? - stream fearless taylor's version

83: Do I have any relatives in jail? - no

84: I accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow me with the super-power of my choice! What is that power? - Healing

85: What would be a question I’d be afraid to tell the truth on? - N/A

86: What is my current desktop picture? - it's a misty forest

87: Had sex? - no

88: Bought condoms? - no

89: Gotten pregnant? - no

90: Failed a class? - yes

91: Kissed a boy? - no

92: Kissed a girl? - no

93: Have I ever kissed somebody in the rain? - no but it's a dream

94: Had a job? - I've had two so far

95: Left the house without my wallet? - Yes, sometimes I do it on purpose so I can make my mom pay for something lmao (chill i'm talking something small like candy)

96: Bullied someone on the internet? - no

97: Had sex in public? - no

98: Played on a sports team? - no

99: Smoked weed? - no

100: Did drugs? - no

101: Smoked cigarettes? - no

102: Drank alcohol? - yes

103: Am I a vegetarian/vegan? - no

104: Been overweight? - I feel overweight, but technically no

105: Been underweight? - No

106: Been to a wedding? - Yes

107: Been on the computer for 5 hours straight? - Yes, but not since I was younger. I'm mostly on my phone now.

108: Watched TV for 5 hours straight? - Oh yeah lmao

109: Been outside my home country? - No

110: Gotten my heart broken? - Yes

111: Been to a professional sports game? - No

112: Broken a bone? - No

113: Cut myself? - Yes

114: Been to prom? - Sort of. I'm Canadian so I had grad.

115: Been in airplane? - No

116: Fly by helicopter? - No

117: What concerts have I been to? - Jonas Brothers when I was about 10 lmao and Marianas Trench when I was 15

118: Had a crush on someone of the same sex? - No

119: Learned another language? - Tried to

120: Wore make up? - Yes. I do work at a makeup store.

121: Lost my virginity before I was 18? - no

122: Had oral sex? - no

123: Dyed my hair? - not a funky color, no

124: Voted in a presidential election? - Sort of; I voted for a prime minister

125: Rode in an ambulance? - Yes

126: Had a surgery? - No

127: Met someone famous? - No

128: Stalked someone on a social network? - No

129: Peed outside? - No

130: Been fishing? - No

131: Helped with charity? - Yes

132: Been rejected by a crush? - No bc I never fessed up to any crush lol

133: Broken a mirror? - No

134: What do I want for birthday? - A jewelry box

#survey

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i-am-just-a-kiddo · 3 years

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2020 year in a review

thanks for tagging me @vishcount, eventhough you probably know all of these answers already. i don’t know if i am gonna do the other one, let’s see. tagging @the-cloud-whisperer, @sassyassassy, @intyalote as usual, if you have fun with this! I really tried to rank these amongst the top five, which was a personal challenge for me, so don’t take these rankings too seriously. my answers below the cut cause there is a novel incoming:

Top 5 Movies you saw this year

I don’t watch many movies in general, though I have seen quite a handful this year actually? I might have forgotten half of it already tbh

Moonlit Winter (2019) -I have been waiting to find this movie online for ages, so I was incredibly happy when I finally found it at the beginning of this year. It’s wonderful, heartbreaking and raw - about the relationship between mother and daughter, about lost queer love between the mother and her friend, about life in general. I cried buckets.

Parasite (2019) -do I have to say anything? I don’t think so, this movie defined many this year right?

The King and the Clown (2005) -pleasantly surprised by this one, it made me cry and sad and it’s not a happy gay story but it still touched me so much. also the production is amazing

Mulan (2009) -I rewatched this movie this year after hearing about the chaos that was Mulan 2020, and it still gets me; I don’t know what it is, but it might be the last part of the movie that always hits me like a train and I am back to thinking about it

Inside The Girls (2014) -not actually a good movie with a horrible name, but certainly interesting and had some potential?? I am listing it because I had a lot of fun watching it with my dear friend vish and it was fun sharing our opinions on that, but I don’t actually recommend it that much (unless of course you wanna see Cheng Yi and Yin Zheng in a movie together being assholes)

Top 5 TV shows you watched this year

I probably watched around 20 shows this year so picking this was hard somehow? I feel like I forgot some gems but I guess these are the ones that stood out to me

Nirvana In Fire (2015) -by far the best show I’ve seen in a long time. The plot, the characters, the production - it really blew me away. I can’t recommend it enough because I still cry about it.

Winter Begonia (2020) -Funny how I am listing this here so high considering the split opinions I have about this show but damnit, in the end it won me over. It was truly something else wow.

The Stranded (Netflix 2019) -Another surprise, but I just remembered this little show and it was so good? I really hope we will get a second season because I loved the first one and it was way too short. Also the production of this is so stunning, as well as the interesting set of characters.

Original Sin (2018) -This was a gem I discovered in the latter part of the year, mainly because of Yin Zheng, but when I watched it, it hit my mood perfectly. A crime show that has a beautiful atmosphere and is focused on characters. It has its faults and if you watch it for the cases and the plot, it’s not the most outstanding show but damnit, I watched it twice and loved it.

YYY: The Series (2020) -Amongst all these BL shows out there, this is my personal gem. It’s a wild ride of crack and sweetness, so enter at your own risk. let me just say I did not expect to bawl my eyes out at this tiny cracky show.

Top 5 songs of 2020

it really sucks having to choose only five songs but here I go from the huge amount of stuff I have listened to

Black Swan by BTS -this is pure art. in every way, it caters to my taste. I have nothing else to say except that it owns my soul. the visuals, the atmosphere, the music, the lyrics, the performance. it hits all marks and hurts me on a personal level.

Strange (feat. RM) by Agust D -this mixtape saved me and choosing my fave song from this was difficult but I guess I have to name this iconic collab. The lyrics of this are truly....something else. if you have time, please go check them out, as well as the entire mixtape.

Pain by Vaundy -I have been very obsessed with this song and this singer, he has my heart.

Rien à prouver by Yseult -again, I am just obsessed with this song and her voice, Yseult truly is a goddess to me at this point

Zombie by Day6 -perfectly captures my mind, my life and my state this year.

Top 5 books you read in 2020 I have only read two novels this year, everything else was either university stuff or poetry, so this is what I am mostly listing here.

Gyeongju. The Capital of Golden Silla by Sarah Milledge Nelson -I used this as my main source for one of my fics I wrote this year and it was perfect. I spent an intense week of only researching for this topic and had a blast; especially this book was a blessing because it gave a good overview of what life back then could have been like.

Call Down the Hawk by Maggie Stiefvater -one of the novels I read this year and I’ve been waiting for this for ages. Like the other books from TRC, I bingeread it on one day and adored it. Am excited for the rest of the trilogy and this new adventure!

Beyond The First Emperor’s Mausoleum: New Perspectives On Qin Art, edited by Liu Yang -I read this for one of my lectures and I thought it had very interesting essays, namely Archaeological Finds of the Maijiayuan Cemetery and Qin’s Interaction with Steppe Cultures by Wang Hui; and Qin Cosmography and the First Cosmic Capital - Xianyang by David W. Pankenier.

The Mongol Empire. Betweem Myth and Reality by Denise Aigle -another one I read for lectures and it was a good overview to the broad topic that is the Mongol Empire.

Night Sky With Exit Wounds by Ocean Vuong -I adore Vuong’s writing style so I hope to read more of his work. This is a beautiful, raw and honest work and I hope many more will read his book and the stories he has to tell.

+ Bonus: Affinity by Sarah Waters - wlw set in 19th century London; very dark and spooky and very fun to read if you like this sort of atmosphere (as I do).

5 positive things that happened in 2020

i managed to write and create a lot during the first half of this year, which i will treasure greatly. recently i have been struggling a lot - maybe it’s getting back on track now, but i guess i am still proud of all i managed to write/draw/other wise create this year.

amazing new flatmates joined our collective so i feel happy that we have this pleasant dynamic going on currently

i acquired some new housplants which have made me very happy this year, eventhough i struggle a little bit to keep them completely happy. am truly trying my best

i started taking medications for my depression, anxiety and social phobia in autumn and i think it was for the best. i still struggle from time to time but i truly feel a difference and i am glad this worked out mostly smoothly for me

in september we went on a short holiday in on the countryside and on the last night we all went outside to sit on the pier by a small pond. i will never forget this moment because after what felt like ages, i saw a crystal clear night sky. i haven’t seen so many stars in years and i could even see their reflections on the water, it was so magical and breathtaking. i think it was the one moment that still stands out from everything else. i just wish to return there, on my own, and just lie down for hours

anyway, if you have read through this rambling, i wish you a very happy new year and hope things will get better!!

#phew #am finally done with this #i did not expect this to take so long lol #but it's nice #tag game #2020 #personal

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flechxtte · 4 years

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muse playlist .

post 3 - 5 songs that remind you of your muse. repost, don’t reblog.

Getting Scared -- Imogen Heap

The only times of my life The sun was meant to shine for me You made it pour down, pour down with tears of rain And dug my pride with a knife Encaged by your obsession with me Time for some mental torture and screams of justified pain So you're gonna chase me now, boy? Yeah you're gonna corner me now, boy? You think you're gonna threaten me now, boy? Well, somehow I don't think so Yeah you're gonna stamp me down now, boy? Yeah you're gonna crush me down now, boy? You think you're gonna threaten me now, boy? Well, somehow I don't think so

so let’s start this off with some young (either child or teen) shen’s revenge fantasies, which would have been fairly vague and. well, with a suitably vague target/range, as well, bc no one person has consistently mistreated or abused him thinking emoji

unfortunately, his entitlement and anger isn’t focused exactly on any one individual or even group of people, it’s scattered about to encompass Everyone. this means that he’d have been moved to react violently (and feel justified in it) when young if he only felt threatened or ridiculed, no matter the truth of the situation

Jumper -- Third Eye Blind

I wish you would step back from that ledge, my friend You could cut ties with all the lies that you've been living in And if you do not want to see me again I would understand, I would understand The angry boy a bit too insane Icing over a secret pain You know you don't belong You're the first to fight, you're way too loud You're the flash of light on a burial shroud [...] I never thought it would come to this And I, I want you to know Everyone's got to face down the demons Maybe today, you could put the past away

ngl this song brings me to tears on bad days jfkf;a but anYWAY. i think the reason this reminds me of shen is fairly self-explanatory tbh :o tho i will admit i do often think of it as po speaking to him for some reason. there’s actually a few songs like that in my shen playlist, now i think about it

Seein’ Red -- Unwritten Law

Don't think you'll have to see my face again Don't have much time for sympathy 'Cause it never happened to me You're feeling blue now I think you bit off more than you could chew [...] I confess I don't know what to make from all this mess Don't have much time for sympathy But it never happened to me You're feeling down now I don't know where I'll be when you come around And now it's time to make a choice And all I wanna hear is your voice...

whispers that ‘you’re feeling blue now’ part i imagine is shen on some level toward the soothsayer at some point during the movie. probably like right after she realizes he can’t be swayed near the end of their last scene together 6^6;

and also ‘i don’t know where i’ll be when you come around’ just. gives me Thoughts tbh lies down

actually, this song in general is one i kinda see shen and the soothsayer switching on and off with-- some lines make me think of her trying to get through to him (there’s even a line specifically saying ‘and what i’d do to get through to you’) while others remind me more of shen thinking about the soothsayer’s words and such _(´ཀ`」 ∠)_

Animal -- Sir Chloe

Shoulda known better, I tried to stay cool. You were telling me I’m such a fool to say no. Number one. Make me behave like an animal Make me behave like an animal. I’m asking nicely, give me what I want. I’ll ask politely, give me what I want.

so as you probably guessed this is here mostly bc of those last two lines. that’s it i got nothing else i’m a simple creature ∠( ᐛ 」∠)＿

Vide Noir -- Lord Huron

Many evils have I enjoyed Prowling the night raising hell with the boys Getting high on a pure, black void I am only an aimless soul Heading into a pure, black void So what if I'm living out past the edge? So what if I never come back again? Where can you go when it’s all in your head? These are the last words that I ever said Where can you go when it’s all in your head?

and here we have arrived at the One i have specifically for main verse shen, which is probably in all honesty the most depressing, soul crushing verse i have the more i think on it ᘓ( ᐛ )ᘕ why did i think that was a good idea

anywho-- ‘i am only an aimless soul’ ‘so what if i never come back again’ ‘where can you go when it’s all in your head’ :chinhands:

the idea of shen feeling in some deep part of himself that no one would really mourn much if he simply disappeared hurts me, but mostly bc gDI SHEN the soothsayer is RIGHT THERE, but i like the idea that while he does believe she’d miss him (since she’s shown this reaction before when he does disappear and when he first just about came back from the dead), he also on some level feels that she’d get on fine enough eventually. considering their current situation, she might even be better off

and a small bonus instrumental one

What Must Be Done -- Nick Cave & Warren Ellis

feels very ‘The Inevitable Ending of Undoing’-esque, which is probably made more evident to me by the title

#;dash games #tried to make them ones i haven't brought up before #or #you know #talk about all the time lmao #like the grudge #;;music #boy #a lot of these are #Sad #i thought i had more angry shen songs #....i've probably already shared those #oops

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izzy-b-hands · 4 years

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Quarantine Tag Game

Tagged by @dabitchisback thank you!! I needed something to get me through this very slow morning of work!

Under a cut because y’all know I’m a wordy motherfucker lol.

Are you staying at home from school/work?

Yes I am! I actually requested to be moved to work from home in part due to the COVID-19 stuff and due to some coworkers behaving like high schoolers and flat out bullying me (and I had had enough of that shit once it started making it hard to do my job lmao.)

So just as they were setting it up for me, the clinic suddenly started realizing how serious this was and all of a sudden, they could find all the money for all the work from home equipment for a bunch of us in the non-direct patient contact side of things (funny, considering I’d begged to work from home over a year ago due to how bad my anxiety was getting with coworkers and patients when I was still in the direct patient contact part of it all, even offered to pay for the equipment, and was told it would always be too expensive and never be in the cards, even after my therapist recommended it for the sake of my mental health and blood pressure. Funny. that. Real funny.)

If you’re staying home, who’s there with you?

Mostly my cat, Nisha. My mum works at the same clinic, but is front desk, so they’re rotating who goes in to the clinic and then who gets days off “to keep the financial health of the clinic” aka begging anyone who stays home for a day off (or in my sector who takes a day off due to reduced call volume) to take that time unpaid and not use PTO or EST...but we both have that time to use, so it is Being Used or we won’t be able to keep the lights on or the condo lmao. However, she does have assigned days off coming up, so on the weekend and those days off, my mum is here too.

Are you a homebody?

Ohmygod yeah. The older I get, the more I dislike going out in general like. I work a full time job, I barely have time for chores or relaxation after, even now being work from home because scared patients asking you questions you can’t answer or don’t have an answer to (because no one has answers right now) just...idk how to explain it. But it gets weirdly exhausting, even though it sounds like it shouldn’t, and by the end of my 8 hours I just wanna lie on the floor and nap usually. So going out has never been my thing too much, because then my writing/chores/nap time gets neglected lol. I don’t mind the occasional appetizers and drinks night with mum and her friend, back when we could go out, but tbh it’s just nicer still to drink at home. Even on vacation, I go out more than usual, but also if there’s a night we can drink in the hotel with the mini bar, and just enjoy being somewhere other than home...I will take that night in a heartbeat.

My anxiety also doesn’t love going out, but I’ve been working and getting better at dealing with that. Of course, current times might mean a bit of a setback, but I’m going to work really hard for it not to be too bad. I haven’t been in six years of therapy for nothing lol.

An event that you were looking forward to that got cancelled?

Um...does my root canal count? And I wasn’t really looking forward to it per se, I just am afraid of the tooth getting worse and starting to have worse pain.

Other than that, it hasn’t been cancelled yet because we’re playing it all by ear (but I admit I’m afraid it probably won’t happen due to the virus stuff, even if it’s over by the time this thing was supposed to happen), but I have a trip to New York City planned with a good friend in August. Even if things have calmed down, I know New York has gotten hit extremely hard, and if they’re still fighting with the aftereffects of it all...might not be fully open for business by August so to speak. And besides, with everything as it is right now, and the talk of a vaccine being at minimum over a year away, with periods of possible social distancing needed even if this calms down but possibly goes through flare ups until a vaccine is ready...travel might not be back to normal for awhile, I can’t say more than anyone else on that I suppose. I’d really like it to be, by August, I admit that as selfish as it is. I was just really looking forward to it, kind of living for it even, and now...yeah.

But, better to be at home and healthy in the end, travel insurance exists for a reason, and trips can always be rescheduled.

What movies have you watched recently?

Haunt (Mum and I never got to see it when it was in theaters), Queen Rock Montreal (my go to oh no I’m sad movie), Tammy (a fave of mum’s, and we both just like Melissa McCarthy in general), and Jojo Rabbit. I’ve got a bunch I bought and rented just last night too (maybe not a smart financial decision, but I’ll deal with that when I have to lmao), since it feels smart of have a backlog of stuff to watch right now.

What shows are you watching?

Mostly rewatching the IT Crowd, the Office, Travel Man, and other tried and true faves. It helps mum to relax since she loves all those too (including any episodes of 8 out of 9 Cats Does Countdown I can find, I finally got her hooked on that!) Basically if it has a chance of Richard Ayoade or enough episodes to keep us going for a bit, then it’s on the list to watch.

What music are you listening to?

So many. No, but legit, I’ve been all over on Spotify as of late, especially searching for music to help the fic writing. A lot of Queen, Elton, Clams Casino, The Weeknd, Kendrick Lamar, David Byrne, Childish Gambino, St. Vincent, and Moses Sumney especially.

What are you reading?

Fanfic, trusted news sources like AP, Reuters, updates from WHO, wanting to reread Mercury and Me and Elton John’s Me, and really need to get back into reading And The Band Played on by Randy Shilts (started it right as shit started to get wild, so it got put to the side, but I want to finish it asap.)

What are you doing for self-care?

Trying to enjoy that this is also the trial time to see if I want to make work from permanent (work is making me make it a trial, I’ve wanted to work from home for years so...yes is the answer to that lol) and what I can do now that I’m home, like work more on my writing and music. Not to mention, eating foods that normally upset my stomach/I have sensitivities to like meat and dairy (I might be developing straight up allergies to them, but we all know I can’t afford to see an allergist lmao) but that since I’m safe at home where I be sick and still work...I can indulge. I can also play music more and movies so long as I pause them if I get a phone call during work hours, so overall I’ve been a lot more relaxed and my BP is down during work as a result, which is something I’ve never really felt before in my life, and I’m rather enjoying.

Aside from that, video games have also made a resurgence in my life, especially Saints Row, and that’s been fun as well.

All of this in between taking care of Mum of course, who worries and panics, and tends to believe everything she hears and reads and watches without thinking critically or carefully, so...that’s been a thing.

Actual therapy appointments would be my best self care of course, but the last few have been cancelled due to everything going on. This week, however, my appointment is supposed to be done via telecommute and I should finally get to catch up with my doctor, which I admit I need pretty desperately right now. It’s getting hard feeling like I’m on my own, helping soothe others but struggling to soothe myself most of the time. But, c’est la vie, right?

Tagging (if y’all feel up to it and wanna!): @skylinepigeon, @freebooter4ever, @bearkare, @rathernotmyname, @galaxy-starheart, and @youdontrememberthesomme

#text post #ask box things #ngl this was...very cathartic to type out #not sure all why #but I know I've been doing a lot of these tag things lately #and each one just makes me feel less alone #which is nicer than I can fully put words to

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blacklakeinavalley · 4 years

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Reylo confessions / TRoS personal review upon first watching

"You opened yourself to the dark side for a pair of pretty eyes” - in retrospect this pretty much sums up how my obsession with the Star Wars Sequel Trilogy came into being. I was here for Reylo, Bendemption, and most of all Ben Solo since around TLJ. I could and still can relate to this character’s struggles and find him physically very attractive. That’s basically how it went down.

I had only once watched the OT, a few years before TFA came out. Then, in 2015, friends dragged me to watch TFA (I was like “meh, blockbuster” aka a snob at that time). I was pleasantly surprised though when I found the movie very well-made and entertaining. I did NOT get the Reylo-vibes then but remember strongly identifying with Rey’s fear at the beginning of the interrogation and Kylo’s line “You know I can take whatever I want“ making me shiver. I cheered at Rey for beating Kylo up on Starkiller Base and (joke’s on me for the worst take ever) legitimately left the theater believing him dead because of the explosion of the planet. That didn’t make me sad, but satisfied.

I did not think about Star Wars again until January/February(?) 2017. Another group of friends planned on watching TLJ together and and I browsed the Internet for some critics to read in advance, just out of curiosity. Somehow I ended up watching the interrogation scene on Youtube again and again, the sexual tension between the two I now clearly recognized finally taking my breath away. I discovered skysilencer’s/chandrilasky’s wonderful blog (which doesn’t exist anymore) about Rey’s and Ben’s relationship and generally started reading as many metas on this topic as I could find.

I fell in love with the pairing, and especially the portrayal of Kylo / Ben. Getting to watch TLJ in the theater was a bit disappointing for me though, after having read so many raving reviews on tumblr beforehand. At that time I could not really appreciate the changes in pacing and all the depths and nuances. By now I love this movie. Strangely, I never watch it in one go, only in smaller portions. Maybe an unpopular opinion, but I like TFA just as well. Ironically, the fight on Starkiller Base is still my favorite Reylo scene ever - because there’s so much more going on than “Rey beating Kylo up“. For me, TFA definitely is a lot easier to watch, mostly because of the more conventional pacing, I guess.

Therefore I was quite happy when I heard that JJ Abrams was going to direct episode IX too. I actually never doubted that he had planted the seeds for Reylo in TFA / episode VII. Sadly, TRoS, which I finally went to see with my sweetheart yesterday, left me pretty untouched for the most part. After roughly two years of really looking forward to, actually longing for this day, seeing it was not the experience I had hoped for. This is not to say that the movie per se is only bad.

TRoS spoilers ahead!

I am a sucker for “grounded” speculation and have difficulties to keep away from spoilers. And I’m really invested in Ben Solo’s fate. This led to me reading JediPaxis’ leaks weeks ago and hanging around on this site pretty much non-stop shortly before and since the premier of the movie. When the realization that Ben Solo actually dies (or does he?) kicked in, I went through some kind of mourning that included having difficulties to concentrate, the urge to cry, listening to sad music, and definitely crying a lot while watching a camrip of him finding happiness and then dying in a loop.

And maybe that’s one of the reasons why I couldn’t enjoy the actual movie more. I already knew the whole plot, had seen lots of gifs and had already kind of processed the emotionally challenging stuff, at least to some extent. So I just didn’t feel much, neither surprise, nor joy or grief while watching. Again, joke’s on me for getting myself extensively spoiled and reading about other people’s (negative) reaction to the movie. I didn’t even look forward to seeing it anymore, tbh.

My boyfriend on the other hand, who has seen TFA once and TLJ twice in his life and went into TRoS openmindedly after only a very short recapitulation of what had happened in the previous films, actually really liked it. He found it very entertaining, even surprising and well-made, especially the camera-work. He was all for Rey being a power women, for example when she prevented the transporter Chewie was presumably on from leaving by Force powers (Chewie then being on another transporter, not the one that got destroyed, was a cheap move and sort of a plot hole for him though). He generally sees the whole thing as an action adventure and advocates for not intellectually dissecting it or expecting too much depth out of a Star War. He likes the OT as a casual fan (he was the one to show me the original films in the first place), didn’t like the Prequels at all, was not a fan of TLJ and found TFA okay. We are going to watch TRoS again early in January with friends and he’s looking forward to it. So for him, episode IX is the best sequel film.

What I personally liked about TRoS:

- the very beginning - because Kylo and all the voices in his head, the nightmarish setting of the Sith temple as a representation of (mental) darkness, hopelessness and loneliness ...

- the overall feeling of the Pasaana festival (joy! color! coming together to celebrate!)

- the Poe and Zorri dialogue on Kimiji, because FINALLY a quiet and somewhat thoughtful moment AT LAST

- Finn and Jannah bonding over being former Stormtroopers being another somewhat quiet moment in the movie

- Ben seeing Han in memory actually made me feel SOMETHING

- the scenes of the last battle to end all battles (both Rey/Ben vs Palpatine and Resistance vs First Order) were sort of okay

- somewhat unexpectedly, I also really sympathized with Poe during some moments of the final battle

- the Rey and Ben Solo stuff after his final turn to the light was beautiful and heartbreaking (side note: I like to think that all the Jedi were talking to Ben too as he was rising/climbing from that pit)

- Kylo Ren / Ben Solo is already an icon, thanks to Adam Driver’s amazing acting skills and admireable dedication to this role. And that’s also true for TRoS.

- I actually liked the Resistance base scene after their victory, their immense relieve was so palpable

- the overall visuals of the movie are fine

What I did not enjoy:

- Everything felt so rushed. There’s too much happening in too little time, especially during the first half. The movie just doesn’t take any time to breathe, the effect being that you don’t really get into the story - the exact opposite of what the fast pacing was supposed to accomplish. Maybe less would have been more. Or the movie lasting for 15 minutes longer.

- Probably the worst thing: Most dialogues/lines, especially in the first half, are just super cringey ... TFA and TLJ dialogue never felt like this - or have I just gotten used to their text script over time? I have the small hope though that everything will sound better (at least to me) in English (we had to watch TRoS in German). Kylo Ren talking through his helmet was the worst in that regard, because Adam Driver’s voice is so distinct to me by now that the German voice-over felt 100% out of place and got me super irritated. It was downright painful.

- Very personal opinion: Upon closer look, both TFA and TLJ seem to be about Ben pretty much all the time, and I am all here for it. I did not get the same impression out of TRoS. But maybe that’s just a “recipient as co-creator of a story“ thing and I might be able to construct such a reading also for TRoS over time, after getting to know the movie better.

What really matters to me in the end:

- I am still invested in the character and story of Ben Solo. A movie (TRoS) made me mourn a fictional character, which IS something, even if said character was built to a great extent in previous movies.

- As said before, I enjoy theorizing, analyzing and the quest to better understand stories. And I just don’t want to be mad at the creators already. Ben’s death was painful, but I understand this pain as an invitation to delve deeper into all if it. If in the end the script and plot keep making little sense (which is a real possibility), I will keep to cherishing the parts I liked.

Conclusion:

Yes, I found TRoS very disappointing upon first watching, script-wise way below TFA and TLJ. Very likely it will always feel rushed and badly written to me. Maybe I'll like it even less after watching it again in about a week from now.

But, for the reasons mentioned above, I will probably still give it multiple (undeserved) chances. Because there certainly are good parts in it.

---

Kudos if you’re still here! And sorry for any language mistakes. Please comment, if you feel like it.

#tros review #reylo #ben solo #the rise of skywalker #reylo fam #blacklakeinavalley #personal

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pastryseungs · 4 years

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On Children (2018)

Creator: Wú Xiao-le

Dir. Chen Wei-ling

⚠️ Spoilers !! ⚠️

very long post ahead~

i recently watched this Taiwanese show on Netflix and it gives me Black Mirror vibes as well! i relate to this show so much that some have made me ugly cry lmao. its so weird and entertaining that some leave you silent and zoning out for a few minutes after each episode ends :<

Ep. 1 Mother’s Remote

dude this episode was honestly so sad and infuriatingggg. believe it or not though, some parents just actually want the best for their children and their future, but some actually take it too far.. like this one.

Pei Wei’s parents are going through a divorce where Wei (Tzu-Chuan Liu) ends up living with his mother (Yu-Xuan Wang). after forging the signatures on his report card and manipulating his grades, Wei’s mother restarts his day with a remote to give him the chance to “fix” his mistakes. he is eventually pulled out from school to attend cram school.. ten times to pay for what he did. eventually, when it slightly goes back to normal, he meets a girl named Lan (Hsin-Yu) and the two immediately became friends because of their love for art.. which also immediately blossomed into puppy-love after a month.

Wei’s mother eventually catches the two at the library and treats them out to lunch, before banning Wei from seeing the girl again. he fights back, which sends him back to the day before he was about to meet Lan for the first time. but Lan doesn’t recognize him at all, which led him to countless suicide attempts which were all reversed by his mom’s remote. the line, “How many times do I have to do this?” hurts me so much, he just wanted to be free and happy and his mother just can’t give him that all because of bad grades.. damn..

the scene cuts and changes to a few years later with Wei as an adult.. at first i thought he actually was still with Lan but it turns out it was another woman :< that night, Wei is asked by his mother to go out for dinner and he meets Riley, the daughter of his mother’s friend. the two talk for awhile, Riley revealing that she was actually in a relationship that her family knows but doesn’t accept and Wei revealing that he’s also in a relationship as well.

Wei then buys an airplane ticket for his mother, and went to his mother’s house to retrieve the remote. with his mother forgetting her passport at home, her taxi goes back to her house and sees Wei across the street, holding the remote.

this scene was actually so sad for me, because the last part was Wei going back in time when he met Lan. i actually felt like Lan’s the person that gave Wei a sense of freedom when he felt suffocated/drowned by his mother’s strict attitude towards him. you can actually see the longing in his eyes when he went back there.. gosh i was so sad when this episode ended. this one’s actually one of my favorite episodes !! the open ending led me to believe that Wei and Lan actually ended up together and lived happily ever after~ 😤💗

Ep. 2 Child of the Cat

after failed attempts at getting good grades, Guo-yan (Hsiu-Fu Liu) meets a girl named Lo Chih-Wei (Yu-Ping Wang) after seeing her having a nervous breakdown and harassing another student, she then tells him about some sort of parallel universe and that it offers them something to kill in exchange for intelligence. Guo-yan then develops this delusion after killing their house cats with cat food mixed with rat poison.. he then starts succeeding in his academics, even announcing his perfect score in his mock exam during his grandfather’s funeral.

the line, “Why must you impose all you want on me?” was so sad.. his parents were putting him under so much pressure, even extending his tutoring hours just to make him study harder and try to pass the exams. but at that point, it was too late, his tutor informed his mother that he needed to see a psychiatrist since he might be going through something, but his mother was indenial, thinking that his son was alright and that he was probably just the typical lazy teenager, which was not the case. he was already asking for help through his actions !! even going as far as making his mother find a non-existent noisy cat to take care of during his exams because he couldn’t concentrate.

this episode kind of frustrates me because Guo-yan’s mother listens too much to their relatives/in-laws advices and criticisms that she doesn’t listen or even bat an eye when her son is literally going through something. the ending was somewhat happy though, with Guo-yan learning how to do carpentry and building their own shop maybe?

Ep. 3 The Last Day of Molly

to be honest, this one made me ugly cry :< you’ll never really know until its too late, huh? Molly’s mom (Ivy Yin) probably won’t know that she was the reason behind Molly’s demise if it wasn’t for that machine/gadget.

Molly (Gingle Wang) had a lot to offer in their world with her writing talent. sadly, in order to save face, she was too obedient about the fact that her mother wanted to enroll her to Medical school and make her get a degree in another country. she was the highest-ranking student in their school, which made her mother have high expectations for her. she disapproved of everything she did, saying that a job wouldn’t be suitable for her and that she has to work hard in order to work a certain job. it just baffles me how much some parents think its their choice to choose their child’s career path .-.

the saddest part was when Molly’s mother found out that she had caused this mess. the guilt literally made her feel like she should be behind bars for the rest of her life, and that Molly would want that too. her demise was probably the best revenge she could think of, since she resented her mother for making her study and focus on things that she thinks will make her rich in the future.

i felt so sad for Molly’s sister, Kelly, because she was already expected to follow in her sister’s footsteps, even going so far as extending her tutoring hours while she was still dealing with grief. personally, i wouldn’t be able to do so until i already feel better and moved on a little. its hard to deal with grief especially when you’re so used to seeing that person all the time, which is why i somehow understand their pain.

honestly though, i can’t help but ugly cry during the part when Molly says, “Mom, I love you and I’m sorry.” if it wasn’t for Molly’s death, her mother wouldn’t realize that she was taking her children and their family for granted.. damn.

Gingle Wang is such a great actor !! she also kinda looks like Minnie from G-Idle too! :>

Ep. 4 Peacock

always be careful what you wish for. tbh, this episode was really weird and scary for me. Qiao-Yi (Yu-Xuan Wang) was ready to risk it all just to get everything she had always dreamed of, which included her sight, her talent for painting, seeing colors, and her appearance. she was literally turning into a peacock just to get help her family stay afloat and help her enter a good college and stay in school to be rewarded as their donor.

her school, Victor, was really weird as well. students were not allowed to ask questions during class, which led to students literally isolating another student in class because she was curious.. no wonder some are having a hard time in their class. the school was full of self-centered, snobby brats that only cared if you’re rich or have something luxurious to offer, it was honestly so weird for me. i’d hate to experience that kind of environment, i probably wouldn’t last three days.

if i was in her situation, i’d probably want to fit in with the others as well if it meant being less lonely and having someone to talk to even if everything you talk about is too shallow for your liking. it was just so sad that they were willing to trade anything just for a good life and financial stability, which led to Qiao-Yi’s mom (Chiung-Hsuan Hsieh) as the peacock in exchange for Qiao-Yi’s and her brother in their parents’ (or maybe just her mother?) dream schools.

Ep. 5 ADHD is Necessary

it was just so wrong for the Ruo-wa’s mother (Chuan Chen Yeh) to make her daughter fake a mental illness to help them continue living a lavish lifestyle, which eventually led to Ruo-wa’s (Frances Wu) demise.

Ruo-wa’s mother wanted nothing but for Ruo-wa to achieve and maintain a high-rank in terms of intelligence. but, you see, Ruo-wa isn’t exactly the best in terms of academics, the girl was so focused in school that she doesn’t even know what she’s really great at! her mother was so desperate for both of them- mostly her, to stay afloat that she would make her daughter detailed and organized notes to help her study, to help them keep the lavish lifestyle, because she couldn’t accept the reality that they had to live at the Pigeon Cage because of Ruo-wa’s intelligece. she also did this for her late son, which caused her to be awarded for having a high-ranking son, which also led to his demise. all this time, she thought that her son had died from a car crash, but he was actually destroyed for having a low rank and wanting to be a carpenter.

also, i can’t help but point out that they look like characters from the movie Divergent (2014). they literally look like they belong in Abnegation/Candor/Erudite lmao. and people who are being sent to the Pigeon Cage were Amity/Factionless/Divergent, since they were all special and talented in their own ways and they knew how to farm; sadly, they don’t belong in the real world. i was also so happy when i saw Wei, Lan, Guo-yan, Kelly, and Qiao-Yi !! like, at least they were saved from their parents’ grasps and they’re now free to do whatever they desire.

i was so sad when the police went there and trashed everything, killing the children that weren’t even bothering anybody just because they were low-ranking and weren’t doing their part in the community. in the end, it was Ruo-wa’s mother that had the last laugh and it was just so infuriating for me.. i wanted her to have the karma !! not Ruo-wa’s demise !! 😤

the place in order and everyone was at peace and getting along, why did she have to ruin it all for them? and why did Ruo-wa had to be destroyed ??? i feel like i could compare this to Divergent people ?? since they’re different and they’re being destroyed for not belonging somewhere.. like a Divergent person.

wellll that ends my post !! also, if this is what eventually happens to technology, then imma head out ✌️😗

#netflix #film review #netflix series #film reviews #black mirror #on children #taiwanese series #taiwan #sci fi #anthology #must watch

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jjoelswatch · 4 years

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I HAVE SEEN THE WAR OF THE STARS

This was a very different Star Wars movie in the best ways possible. Whether you loved it or hated it, this movie would not have been possible without SW:TLJ, full stop. Personally, I liked this movie a lot. SW:ROTS is my favorite just because it’s a) the movie that got me to like Star Wars and b) Anakin, so nothing really compares to that for me but. I think I can largely attribute what I did like about this movie to how much it reminded me of story arcs in Clone Wars or Rebels (namely Mortis, Malachor, and the World Between Worlds), with the little caveats/side quests and side characters and the focus on arcane Force powers.

What I liked:

Kylo Ren and Rey being collective badasses on two opposite spectrums of the Force. You really get the sense that as things continue to become unbalanced, the more and more their powers grow. This movie is truly a love letter to fans of both Rey and Kylo Ren, because they both have largely satisfying developments (in their powers and their character growth). I’ve never hated Kylo Ren like a lot of people do. I like his character, I think he’s - at least - cool. This movie really showcased how formidable he was right off the bat-- from Title Scroll to opening scene. And if this movie showed how powerful he was, it REALLY doubled down on how strong Rey is. More on this throughout this ramble post.

Holy Sith lore, Batman.

Rey’s training sequence was everything Luke’s training sequence in SW:TESB should have been (limited ofc by film techniques of its time); I thoroughly enjoyed it. I know a lot of people are complaining about it, since she adamantly chose not to walk the path of a Jedi, but I liked that Leia got to be her Jedi Master.

Even though it was in the trailer, Rey flipping over the Kylo’s ship and slicing the wing off with her lightsaber was rad af.

Also followed by another rad af moment of her Force pulling the ship, like damn girl.

My face when Rey used Sith lightning was one of genuine shock like holy shit. This is also when I knew the “Force bloodline” twist ahead of time. It allowed me to become (mostly) okay with it. But damn, even Kylo Ren is like “...fuck”.

AUDIBLE SIGH OF RELIEF THAT CHEWIE DIDN’T DIE. Actual personification of that one bear vine.

Former spice-runner Poe is...sexy. What a concept.

Kijimi planet sequence was really cool. It also hammered home the entire space nazi motif in a very in-your-face way, which I appreciated because I feel like people try to rationalize the Empire and First Order as not being that, when that’s literally what they are. It also introduced Zorii Bliss, who I really enjoyed.

I really liked the style of the Force bond/Force Dyad moments in this movie. We got a good handful of them in TLJ and they were cool (and confirmed to not just be Snoke causing them with that movie’s end scene), but these were better. Just the way the scenes transition and the tangible objects being transferred between them.

Her parentage reveal, the mirror of the “join me” scene from TLJ [chef’s kiss] *

General Hux being the spy really reminded me of Alexsandr Kallus being Fulcrum in SW:Rebels, except Kallus was hotter and had less petty reasons for betraying the Empire.

The space horse...tusk...creatures. I love them.

Rey and Kylo Ren’s fight on the Death Star wreckage. Finally, at long last, we get to see some prequels level Jedi flips and jumps. FINALLY!

Leia’s last sacrifice c’:

Rey striking down Kylo Ren, healing him, telling him that she had wanted to take his hand when he offered, but she’d wanted to take Ben’s hand. So perfect.

Ben and Han’s mirrored scene from the bridge scene in TFA with Kylo and Han, line for line, with the right choice made this time. Just the combined effort of his father’s memory and his mother’s sacrifice having him throw his lightsaber into the ocean, killing Kylo Ren and becoming Ben Solo once more. So emotionally satisfying. **

Also: “Dad...” “I know.” very nice callback to TESB.

Force Ghost!Luke c’: catching that lightsaber as Rey goes to throw it into the flames; nice resolution to Luke’s arc from TLJ.

LUKE AND LEIA TRAINING SCENE FLASHBACK!!

Kylo Ren’s redemption/turn to the light was something that I thought I would hate, but I actually thought it was the one consistent character arc in the sequel films. I actually enjoyed it a lot, like everything about him turning to the light was handled well and you can track its path through the entire sequel trilogy. Don’t @ me.

Ben doing the classic Han Solo No Look Shot-- with Lando’s blaster (how did he get that?)

Ben absolutely butchering the Knights of Ren wearing the space equivalent of a sweater and jeans. Just the epitome of chaotic Skywalker/Solo energy. Iconic.

Enjoyed Ben’s little shrug of “finally” when Rey used their Force bond to transfer him one of the lightsabers to use. Was sitting there watching him fight like, get this man a lightsaber.

Also, regarding that moment, just the pause within their Force bond, actually, truly seeing each other.

All the voices of the Jedi. Chills. I heard Luke, Obi-Wan, Yoda, Windu, Kanan, Anakin. Ahsoka. ***

Rey’s sacrifice. Ben’s sacrifice. For a moment, I thought they were going to kill both of them and Palpatine (which I would have hated and appreciated at once; zero it out, bring balance to the Force via a flatline), or leave Rey dead and Ben alive to be haunted by his own deeds and demons. It was a surprise that Ben could use Force healing in the way Rey displayed earlier in the film, but a good one. Thanos vc: a soul for a soul.

“Ben” c’: such a bittersweet moment of acknowledgement and redemption tbh. ****

Rey burying Luke (Anakin’s) and Leia’s sabers on Tatooine c’: *****

Rey’s yellow lightsaber made from her staff. I wonder if it’s double-bladed (I bet it is).

I had a feeling one way or another that by the end of the movie Rey would be taking the Skywalker name for herself. I’m sure this made a lot of people angry. I’m not one of them.

What I didn’t like:

Not much tbh!

The Reylo kiss I guess, since it felt shoehorned in since they were both enemies 12 hours prior (if that). It would have felt more natural if it had just been a brief embrace or (as a friend suggested) a forehead touch. I’m totally okay with Rey and Ben having this strong connection through the Force, but no matter where you stand on the idea of those characters being romantically involved, you have to admit that they just weren’t there yet to have that kiss. ******

Conflicted that the Skywalker bloodline is gone. Like, trust me, I know the point - or one of the major ones - of this film is that blood doesn’t dictate choices/blood isn’t important, but like...I really love the Skywalkers, okay?

Palpatine being alive in this pretty much invalidates Anakin’s journey in the first six episodes, which sucks because in this house we love and appreciate Anakin Skywalker. You get a sense that Palpatine’s return was definitely never the end goal for this trilogy. It doesn’t feel planned because it’s never explained how he’s back, how he survived. We’re left to assume that it’s Sith power sustaining him. We never find out how Palpatine (who’s basically a zombie, I mean, look at him) managed to create a massive fleet of Star Destroyers capable of destroying planets. That’s just how it is, deal with it.

Asterisks/Questions Unanswered/Misc.:

* Still can’t believe Rey Palpatine fan theories DID THAT. Press F to pay respects to my Rey Kenobi theories (which would have made more sense with a Force bond but WHATEVER).

** This is where I would have wanted Anakin’s Force Ghost moment to be, especially since Kylo Ren idolized the ideal of Vader for so long, I felt it would have been a nice touch to have Anakin step in here, while across the galaxy Rey is being reached out to by Luke. Ultimately though, I think Han worked best.

*** Look, I know Ahsoka’s voice was in the past Jedi/Force Ghost moment, but like...my girl ain’t dead. Togruta live for over 200+ years, plus she was resurrected with the power of The Daughter. She just Force Skyped in to give Rey an inspirational line. Also Ahsoka is...not a Jedi, so ? interesting.

On that note, the above scene also reminds me 100% of Ezra’s moment in The World Between Worlds.

**** Really wish redemption didn’t always have to mean death, but I also understand that just like in ROTJ with Vader, there was a slim-to-none chance of a future for Ben after doing everything he’d done. But I also think death is...an easy out, when you don’t want to think about how a character can continue to atone for their deeds. I would have liked to see Ben live.

***** As for burying Luke and Leia’s sabers in the sands of Tatooine, Luke never associated himself with Anakin’s saber, so she buried Anakin’s saber in a place he hated and associated with so much pain and loss.

****** Reylo has never really been a ship I sailed, though I’ve never expressly hated it (there are certainly far more uncomfortable scenes with Anakin and Padma in AOTC than there have been between Rey and Kylo Ren in the sequel films), but if one of them is going to die, don’t have them kiss. If you’re going to have them kiss, let them live.

Finn never really did get to tell Rey what he wanted to tell her, huh? I joke. I think it’s obvious by the final act of the movie that he wanted to tell her that he could feel the Force, that he’s Force sensitive. This was hinted at in TFA during several beats (especially when he fights Kylo Ren-- anyone can use a lightsaber, but it’s kinda curious that he could hold his own for a bit).

This movie radiates a bi energy in ways I can’t describe. All the stuff with Poe being real concerned about what Finn wanted to tell Rey when he thought they were going to die? Poe and Zorii? Finn and Jannah? Poe and Rey? Really can’t believe they cut away before Finn and Poe kissed in the end celebration scene.

Ben Solo > Kylo Ren

#sw:tros #sw:tros spoilers #tros spoilers #star wars spoilers #episode ix spoilers #episode 9 spoilers #unless you're tagging it something weird that should about cover it for spoilers

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