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#Ive always been curious even if i have no idea what this all means lol
cali · 4 months
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im a different anon but im just curious what advice you would give to someone whos been pillbugging it for um. over a year now
mmm i cant really answer how to stop having depression which im guessing is what u mean + i dont know how ur head works but ive been living mostly NEET-ly for more than 2 yrs now and everyday im getting a better curve at dealing with it so i can tell u what works for me.
half the time when im pillbugging hard im paralyzed by a nontangible fear and the only thing that could stop it is adressing wherever the fear is coming from but the confrontation of the topic, trying to figure out where its even coming from, is terrifying too so i dont do it and stay swimming in tar. theres a sentence people keep saying when they explain why they watch 2 hour video essays "it makes my head go quiet". thats the enemy, the thought, not the person saying it. long term i mean. when its short term anguish that can be bridged by pillbugging its fine i think but if ur "making ur head quiet" for more than a month i urge u to make it go really loud again but thats hard. the only times i can try and confront those thoughts is when i feel otherwise nice, if i got externally forced to have a fun day, hike with my papa, date day with my girlfriend, sometimes just got myself to make a nice meal and it helped, when u feel better its a little less scary and u can maybe try and think out of it a little better. also i think on those days youre generally more positively charged so u got more hope outlook. COOL. i think this is why some people do meditation. im not good at it so i dont really know but i think its a brave pasttime of tackling unpleasant ideas. i used to try and dope my way out of it with lsd cuz everytime i used it it kind of forced me to confront whatever trouble i had but ive forbad myself that cuz i didnt want to rely on it as crutch + it was just unpleasant to get hit over the head everytime. now i only do it when i feel good already (havent done it in half a year lol). sorry, drug tangent. also weed is synonymous with pillbugging 4 me.
otherwise, rituals.... mmmmm..... when therapists and whoevers say stuff like take daily walks daily exercise take daily shower i think all of those are like half about the direct benefits they give and half just about doing anything regularly. cuz it helps. during pillbug hours the point for me is kind of to have time pass as fast as possible so the timeframe to hurt is reduced which is counterproductive cuz if it flows u by rlly hard u cant really grasp onto anything to get off the ride easily. and its never going to come really easy theres no probable single action or event that is going to singlehandedly pull u out of the mire, no rapture, no healing vitamin, its always going to be slow and tedious and boring and stupid but a routine is a nice framework to start that. brushing ur teeth is nice. and when u do something daily the days start becoming more tangible again and u will be able to tell how many days ago tuesday was. maybe u can think abotu what factors motivate u and twist them to do your biddinggg. shame and dissapointment works really well for me if i tell someone i will have this done by then and i dont it usually overpowers the malaise or whatever other reason has been making me not do it prior. but this requires social bonds and i cant guarantee u have those. in summer i started doing therapy cuz in germany i need it for transgenderism and shes also a good beacon for that, if she says do something until next time we meet i dont want to dissapoint her. other than that, um idk, everyting else is just kind of part of that. take walks even if u dont want to think about things even if its scary. be brave like childrens book illustration of knight slaying dragon. and then maybe u get a princess kiss
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spacedlexi · 2 months
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Wait, people think Carver is the best TWDG villain?? I always thought he was basic as hell, and the fact that he was beefing with an 11-years old girl... Now Stranger on the other hand was great, he was super intimidating and off-putting and I was genuinely so scared he would hurt Clementine. I also liked Minnie for the same reasons (she was so creepy/off-putting), but I still think Stranger is the best villain bc he had a great setup while Minnie was kind of a secondary villain. But going back to Lilly/Carver, I also definitely prefer Lilly over Carver even though neither are my favorite... And now I'm kind of curious how you would rank the rest of the TWDG villains? 🤔
carver being the best villain is a sentiment ive heard for years 😭 im sure its coming from the "S2 is the best season" crowd tho which i also dont agree with 💀
the stranger is an effective villain. hes not exactly the typical villain type people expect. but hes very unsettling and him stalking clementine for who even knows how long through the walkie talkie is 🤢 he really makes me feel sick. she was using that talkie to deal with the loss of her parents, and this fucking creep took advantage of that so hard he was able to convince her to trust him. ugh he makes me feel so gross. and think of all the guilt clem must have about that situation. trusting this freak to help her find her parents, when if she had just stayed then lee wouldnt have gotten bit looking for her, and her parents were already dead the entire time anyway. oof. theres no way that isnt one of the biggest regrets of her life
carver is fine. i definitely think his character wouldve made more sense if they put kenny in that role instead. that way theres less "i am a grown man beefing with an 11 year old" and more "this is a child i helped look out for once, and im gonna make sure shes raised Right". but i agree that carver as he is is just over the top. overly villainous to the point of it being a little comical. like when villains are all tough like that my reaction is usually "god i WISH youd fucking kill me already so i dont have to hear your bullshit anymore do you know how GOOFY you sound??". if it was kenny in that role i definitely think they wouldve been able to tone it back a bit, and him "having a good side" wouldve been way more believable. as he is carver is kind of one note
joan.... definitely the weakest of the bunch. i dont really have much to say about her. david isnt even technically a villain but i definitely saw him as the better antagonist for the season. i mean hes definitely a villain in clems eyes. and is a constant semi-antagonist towards javi throughout the whole season. joans just kinda.. there.. doing things behind the scenes to cause conflict until the final confrontation. and then she can just disappear... okay
i like the way the antagonists work in S4. theres more of a discussion around what actually makes someone a villain and the difference between a person who fucked up and made (very horrible) mistakes, and a person who is straight up a threat. and i like that it connects back to the idea of lee and his murder of that senator. did he do something horrible? yes. did he destroy his relationship to his family? yes. does he regret what he did? i think so. and he definitely has guilt about his fucked up relationship with his wife. in S1 they mention how non-guilty people got sent to prison all the time. while lee is Definitely a murderer, we get to see over the season that hes a good guy who just wanted a family and in a moment of rage and betrayal did something he can never take back. this is why i never hated marlon. did he fuck up and do horrible things? of course. but he was a scared fucked up teen leading a group of other scared fucked up teens. he knows he fucked up, and continued fucking up to cover for his previous fuck ups lol. but he can be talked down. its a shame it ends the way it does, but i really like being able to teach aj the difference between people like marlon and people like lilly
lilly takes that kenny/carver idea and applies it to a clementine that has grown up and has been looking out for herself (and baby aj) for years now, instead of the 11 year old trying to figure shit out she was in S2. shes too old for lilly to be able to sway her in a way she couldve been more susceptible to in S2, and when lilly finally realizes this she just turns her attention to aj instead, seeing the potential in him (a potential clem does NOT want aj to live up to, wanting him to get to be a kid and not just a survivor, let alone a killer). lilly is fun because you can see in her that she WANTS clementine on her side, and throughout the season progressively realizes that its just never going to happen. both lilly AND clem come to the realization that this person they once considered family is beyond reason, their views too different, and so the fighting begins. their fight at the end of EP3 really feels like a "so its finally come to this" moment for both of them, their final fight. i always shoot her.
whats interesting about minnie is seeing her evolve from secondary antagonist in EP3 to straight up primary villain in EP4. the things shes done, the way shes been broken. she becomes her own downfall, seeing herself as someone beyond redemption. that this is just who she is now, its how things have to be. because if they didnt have to be this way? well then theres a lot more guilt she'd have to deal with. yelling at her in EP4 to just STOP FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YOU DONT HAVE TO DO THIS ANYMORE but she has been changed (in her eyes) so irreparably that she cant see any other option. and she progressively sees clem as the one who fucked everything up for her, instead of accepting that it could all finally be OVER. after killing sophie, the delta was all she had left. it cant have all been for nothing. and so she blames clem for taking it all away from her, even tho clem is just trying to protect her family. the family that used to be minnies. and so in her rage she gets bit. something else that she couldve avoided. but shes just too lost to her own downward spiral, unable to be reasoned with. by that point she just wants it all to be Over. and she wants to take tenn with her so she can finally pretend things can all go back to the way they used to be. her, sophie, tenn, and their parents all together again, where no more bad things have to happen to them. shes super tragic and i love her for that. and i love how she holds this dark mirror up to clem. clem struggles to let go of her past too, and the guilt she has over the things shes done and people shes hurt. and that if she cant learn to let go and move on she could get lost to it the same way minnie did. theres a reason clem is so quick to accept her fate, but shes finally able to leave that guilt holding her to her past behind in that barn. and she returns to ericson a much happier and lighter person, so much weight finally lifted from her shoulders. its finally over for her too
so yeah. my fave villains are definitely the S4 ones due to their nuance and layers. then the stranger, then carver, then joan. if i had to put david on this list he'd probably be above carver. but thats mainly because he has more nuance than carver ever did
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genopaint · 8 days
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This should be Week 9 of Daily Dragons! Apologies for the delay on updating this but I've been incredibly busy and stressed due to moving. And while things haven't settled down per say I am no longer on a time limit to move out so hopefully I can have the ball rolling on the daily dragon challenge a little better!
As always you can follow me on twitter where they’re posted daily
And read more info on each of them below the cut
Daily Dragon #56 - Fygar
Another cute, arcade dragon! Fygar was always one I was gonna do eventually, and I didn't have a huge oomph to draw tonight so I figured this was a perfect opportunity for a simple one! Tried to do a new take on it inspired by a few different designs :)
i know ive been posting these all so late into the evening, apologies, im all over the place lately lmao also, am i nuts or didn't there used to be grey fygar? i couldn't find ANY sprites of them so I guess I made it up. Oh well
Daily Dragon #57 - Percipitar
A mollusc-like dragon that swims through rivers and ponds, slurping up water to bulk up its pouches, then turns that water into clouds for fighting and hunting! Their shell is very hard, but the yellow flesh is VERY soft and gooey.
Since the last few were all redraws / fanart, I really wanted to make a brand new one today! Originally this was gonna be a poison mist spewing dragon, but I couldn't decide on a color/effect for the poison. And I eventually thought just regular water and mist powers were a little more interesting because we've already had a few poisonous dragons or dragons that spew stuff that has effects on enemies. Note to self, stop making dragons that produce some kind of toxic or mist???
Just for fun and some background because I have it here, this is the unfinished version of the picture when I was making it poisonous instead. I changed it at the last possible moment lol
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Daily Dragon #58 - Mega Charizard Z
"Its head splits into 3 to become a menacing Hydra. While its brain power is divided in this form, its fire power becomes multiplied!" Not sure what type I'd make it? Maybe Fire/Fairy or Fire/Electric or something idk
Also I already have ideas on how I would maybe tackle this design a little differently so, maybe we'll see Mega Charizard Z 2 in the future
Daily Dragon #59 - Feral Cave Dragon
My brother found some ANCIENT art of mine in an old book tonight, so of course I had to redraw all the characters on it!
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This is, as I'm sure you can tell, an old bookmark! From back when I used to read... Horrifying times! My brother said he found it in a book I was reading around 2011 or so?
Daily Dragon #60 - Dragon Girl Green
This fun little dragon is February's most popular dragon as decided by vote!! That means she gets new art! Soaring through the sky and flying by some migrating birds! Seems like she's having a magical day~
My personal favorite from February? There were a LOT of dragons I actually really liked. But ultimately I'm just really smitten with Percipitar! Been a rough month! March is gonna be rough too but we will get through it! Thank you all so much for your continued support!
That means there's like... 305 days left? 306 cause of leap year??? Roughly 300
In case you're curious about the votes:
Dragon Girl Green - 6 votes Three Frilled Clovradon - 1 vote Percipitar - 2 votes Howl Gravwyrm - 1 vote Shellizard - 2 votes Succubusaur - 1 vote Shelldrogon - 1 vote Dragostein - 1 vote Floofizard - 1 vote Neck Lizard - 1 vote
Daily Dragon #61 - Rawrnosaur
A large, feral dragon with some odd properties. It has chameleon-like eyes, salamander-like skin, gecko-like tail, and a long lizard-like tongue. They're often found in places with more humid climates and eat tons of food constantly!
This is yet another redraw of an INCREDIBLY old monster of mine! This one is even older than the Feral Cave Dragon (which I found out is from 2011-ish) as this would've probably been before I was even in Kindergarten. Crazy stuff!
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The original was found while we were helping my grandma clean her house, which is cute. Some things never change, I've been a reptile fan for life! I'm actually SO happy with how this redesign came out. I might have to go through and color it in later!
Daily Dragon #62 - Mountain Dragon
This dragon lives high on mountain tops, where it makes its lair. It rarely comes down to ground level, only occasionally to find shiny things to add to its horde or when food on the mountain becomes scarce. As such, they're a bit rare.
Been having a stressful week, so I haven't been having a lot of original ideas for dragons. So this is another redraw. This dragon from 2023 was just called "random dragon" in my files. So there wasn't much to work with aha
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deadlittledogs · 2 months
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how do you have motivation to produce so much art? ive been having the worst art block ever, thinking about drawing makes me roll my eyes now…
ive always admired your passion for drawing so im curious as to what keeps you going
I MEAN…. I get art block constantly but I actually found some ways to mitigate it!! (*^◯^*)
(Read More becuz it’s long)
1.) Draw cringe. Just the most self indulgent things possible with no expectation to share it with anyone. Think of it as like, ‘this is only for me, so it can be as messy and weird as I want and I don’t have to feel bad for not making a solid, aesthetically pleasing product’. This is what I did when I wasn’t very active online, I like to call it my ‘goon’ year because all I drew was buttsex and boys kissing and really offensive crap lol. But not having the pressure of getting likes or engagements on social media can be a big relief until you feel comfortable again. It’s always good to draw consistently.
2.) HAVE ARTIST FRIENDS TO PUMP YOU UP!!!! Following my bestie breakup I was really depressed and had no energy to draw, especially because I had just separated from someone who was so impactful in my creative process. Not having someone to workshop and get excited about ideas with was really hard, because now I didn’t have someone who could help fine tune my vision and provide input on the stuff I was working on. It’s still not the same without her, but I found that engaging with people who are very optimistic about centering their lives around art creates a certain atmosphere that will leave you feeling energized!!! Having artist friends show you their own process, their own projects, and being able to bond over your shared passion is something really amazing and fun. It made me realize how important art was to me and how I wanted to take the encouragements my friends gave me and make them really proud one day!!!
3.) DRAW AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE….. this is the one that works but hurts the most….. I find that during art blocks I draw really shitty and it lowers my morale lol. I get even a whiff of inspiration but the minute I draw one wobbly line I’m instantly bored over the fact that I haven’t spontaneously created the Mona Lisa.
You just have to push through it (T . T) ITS SO HARD but if you make it a habit to at least be THINKING about the sort of thing you’d like to draw every day, eventually you’ll feel more enthused when it’s time to pick up that pen or pencil.
4.) This one is less size-fits-all but honestly, I recommend not looking at other peoples work too much. This one is a tricky one because getting reference and wanting to feel inspired by others are important elements in creating art too, but sometimes it can be a bit de-valuing if you do it too much. It’s easy to think, “Well, I just want to get the ball rolling and maybe change up my style a bit, what are other people doing?” Just to spiral down a rabbit hole of “Omg, all these other artist are better than me. How come I’m not as talented? This person is much younger than me- how is that even fair?! What’s the point of drawing if I’m always going to be so far behind?!”
DON’T COMPARE YOURSELF TO OTHERS AND JUST GO AT YOUR OWN PACE!!!!!!
ヽ( ̄д ̄;)ノ=3=3=3
Yes, there are a billion other people who are way more talented than you’ll ever be. Who cares? Draw the things that make you happy, and people who appreciate it will come along. It’s not a competition, it’s an expression of the spirit!! 🤓☝🏼
5.) SOMETIMES YA JUST NEED A BREAK MAN…… I recommended not getting too greedy with it and becoming lazy (something I have a problem with lol) but art block can sometimes signify a burn out, plain and simple. Take some time to reconnect with yourself, don’t worry about making art and worry more about doing some self care. Go look at the mountains, spend some time with friends, engage in other hobbies like sticking metal rods in your penis or knitting. A lot of times going to new places and trying new things can help inspiration strike! :3
but yeah…. there’s some advice!
I hope this list helps you, nonnie!! ∩^ω^∩
Good Luck!!!!!!!!!!!!🍀🍰🌈🤍🦅
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spatio-rift · 1 month
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Hiya there! I see a lot of your saiki k content, and I love it sm lol. Now, I'm curious as to what your fave ships are besides kubometo. >.< Considering your recent ask which encouraged me to do this, may I also ask what your least faves are? Also, I LOVE LOVE LOVE the takahashi squad with metori so much, mwa mwa kudos to you.
Hiii im glad u enjoy my stuff even when theres not much of it going around lately😢 when summer break comes i will make more.💓(maybe)
i will answer that question about my other fave pairings with an additional condition which is that they cannot include saiko ^_^ i wont have a looot to say about them because i have really bad tunnel vision but lets try.
i think the one i probably like the most after kbmt is kaiyume ^_^ not in a way where like the situationship is so hilarious that it compels me to write 15 posts in a row about them but i think they have a special kind of really funny like. early 2010s cringe highschool couple vibe. or something. embarrassing couple on the internet. blurry grainy matching profile pics. couple cosplay. the chuunibyou. LOL i do genuinely love their relationship and its evolution from the moment kaidou defended chiyo in okinawa to chiyos confession and the way chiyos feelings for him are so consistent despite being the 'girl who falls in love super easily all the time' archetype and shes so considerate in liking him and i think they fit really well together but most importantly the idea of their romance is so weird and embarrassing to me meaning theyll never be boring (which is as weve established a capital offense for a gag manga). i think it brings out so many fun parts of their character. chiyos unhinged but shes so caring. kaidous so pathetic but hes so brave and gentlemany. its great! 👍
wait hold on i just remembered i have a relationship chart. i couldnt for the life of me remember what else i liked LMFAO. lets see whats on there.
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oh my god right i love satou and hii together. i dont care much for that whole thing about helping her guardian spirit so that shes not life-threateningly unlucky anymore i thought it was hilarious how satous normal powers cancelled her bad luck and they were very cute for the like 2 or 3 chapters they were around. <3 ive got a soft spot for them for real.
lets do a quick round. midori and chouno altered my brain chemistry in a way that i find a little embarrassing to talk about HAHA but its a dynamic i quietly Really enjoy the chapters that touch on it are favorites of mine regardless of the note on which it ends for them. lately ive been really enjoying imu and arisu together for completely baseless reasons i just think theres potential there for real funniness w both thinking the other is a creep. and of course you will always find me fighting on the front lines for kurumi and kuniharu.
as for my least favorite pairings.... i really dont want to be on peoples dash bashing stuff they enjoy so i will just let the chart speak for itself :') its just not for me!
and Lastly. im so happy my $quad awareness campaign is working <3 (gives u a big wet peck on the forehead) saiko and his idiots forever. peace &love.
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chawarin-panich · 1 year
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See this is why I first starting talking to you. The insightful, heartfelt way you write about FK.
Would you believe that before I read all your FK fics I've read less than 10 RPF in all my time in fandom? (And not gonna age myself but thats quite the number of years.) Like I will admit if there was ever any couple to get me to consistently read fic about them it would be FK, but I've always been very happy to keep the boundary between CPs and their characters separate. I was always content to watch videos and see pics settled firmly in what they display to the public and nothing else.
And then you came along with your AK fic and I wanted more kind of fics like that from you I had to try reading your FK fics - and of course they were so wonderful I read them all and lost control of life. I'm obsessed. I've written fic! I might write more! I have a FK fic idea I kind of teased to you. I'm probably gonna draw them too! I don't know what has become of me! 🤯
There's less than a week left until moonlight chicken comes out and I'm a bundle of excitement for two characters that if they even show up in the same area at the same time I may vibrate out of existence! It's 100% your fault! Thank you for the insanity and obsession! I mean it truly! Thank you for inspiring me into a frenzy of fandom creation. It's been so long since it's gripped me this hard. And so I'll continue to send you as many asks until you ask me to stop. Because I blame you and that's absolutely a compliment! =D
hahahaha vibrating out of existence if alan and kaipa are in the same scene is SUCH A MOOD. I cant even blame anyone else. I really did wake up one day and was like alan and kaipa should be in love and everything has been madness since.
ahhhh!! anon this ask!!!. I seriously need to print it and put it up on my wall because i don't think ive ever been complimented quite like this. I am honored to be at the center of your brainrot!! I know I infected a few people with the AK brainrot but to think that contributed to your FK brainrot too!!! aahh!!! we are so brainrot compatible 🤧 and I am ready to take full responsibility and keep writing hahaha and like i can tell that you're feeling some genuine joy and excitement over it! this is it!!! this is how fandom is supposed to make you feel. I try very hard to keep my own energy within this wavelength and to think i helped you find this - im on such a high right now lol i seriously was clapping and squealing and outright cheering reading this. you have no idea how happy you made me. i am really shy about promoting my fics and only do it in the most inconsistent way 😅 (you may notice i dont have it linked anywhere on my blog) but this is such a stellar advertisement that well....if anyone else is curious here's my ao3 hah!
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foxstens · 1 year
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once again having an existential crisis about sexual/romantic attraction
there’s a lot to talk about but rn im kind of questioning the crushes ive had. i’ve explained them before, one was in kindergarten and i rmr nothing about it, one was sometime in high school and lasted like 2 seconds, there really wasn’t much to it, and one has been going on since 5th grade. but now im suddenly wondering if they were even actually what we understand as crushes
google says a crush is ‘a brief but intense infatuation for someone‘ which kinda fits sorta maybe, but people on reddit explain it in a very... romantic way i guess, according to them you want to be around that person, you want to be liked by them, you have an active desire to date them or to just take things further. and im. well. that does not fit. i mean it might have with 2/3 crushes since i don’t remember the actual feeling itself
but with the third crush i do remember the feeling because it never fucking disappeared. like i’ve known this guy since i was 10, the last time i saw him face to face was like 4 years ago, but i still have him on facebook, we still wish each other happy birthday every year, and he still regularly appears in my dreams. and i always get the same feeling in those dreams - the feeling of being curious about this person, of wanting to talk to him and spend time with him and his family because when i met them in the past they always had interesting things to say and they were always nice and warm and friendly and as an only child maybe i was a bit jealous of his close relationship with his sisters.
and. that’s it. that’s all it’s ever been. maybe that feeling was friendship or at least a desire for friendship because i’ve never actually had irl friends and what i just described does not fucking look like what we think of when we use the word ‘crush’. 
why am i so hung up on this, you ask? because i identify with the word aromantic so strongly, it feels more right than my actual fucking name but. i can’t be aromantic if i’ve had three whole crushes, right. lol. im probably just being stupid, but thinking about all of this is interesting. 
and i still don’t understand the concept of romantic or sexual attraction. i guess i can sort of fathom the idea of romantic attraction, like you look at someone and you get the feeling that you want to be more than their friend, though it still feels foreign to me, definitely not something i’ve experienced, let alone with a stranger
but the idea of sexual attraction feels positively alien. maybe people just suck at explaining it or something, but having an actual physical response to just seeing someone, and having sexual thoughts and desires when looking at a person??? i’m sorry but what. does this genuinely actually happen to real people in real life
when i see an attractive person my brain just kind of stops and i just stare and mumble if i have to speak, then i might think about their face for a bit afterwards, trying to recall what i liked about it, and that’s it. very rarely, i might find someone’s aura and confidence attractive, and that’s when i’ll really stare but even then my thoughts are just: i wonder what their life is like, i wonder what it’s like to be them, i wonder what it’s like to be around them regularly when they have this aura. you know??? i guess this might be what google describes as aesthetic attraction, maybe.
so yea i guess this proves that i’m definitely somewhere on the aroace spectrum. i mean i knew this, i have known this for years. but i feel more confident about it, now that i’ve thought more deeply about the ‘crushes’ i’ve had and how they fit.
also hopefully one day i’m not gonna be so surprised when i get reminded that some people see and experience the world completely differently. d a n g.
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elitaxne · 1 year
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hey lita mun! just wanted to pop in and say that i freakin LOVED your "battle cry" drabble. it's honestly one of my favorite things you've written & ive been following this blog for a looooooooonnngggg time. i love everything you write honestly but ~this~ was especially amazing. please please please tell me you're going to continue? and i swear to primus if anything happens to cypher youll be hearing from my lawyer lololol jk jk no but seriously i love him so much! can't gush enough about everything you did here: wordlbuilding, the war paint, the disfigurement cypher has, KUP, seeing more of elita's past as ariel the list goes on and on. ok i'm done rambling anyways you rock & excited to read what else you put out (even if it's not this) big big fan ^3^
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「 OOC. 」
Not me crying in the club right now ;A; Oh gosh, this is one of the nicest things ever to grace my inbox so thank you so much for sending in — NOT BOTHERING AT ALL !! You have no idea how much this made my day, I’ve been grinning at it for hours !!
[ SCREAMS ABOUT CYPHER UNDER THE CUT ]
*cracks knuckles* OKAY LET’S TALK CYPHER because tbh he’s my sweet baby angel and I love him so much. Fun fact: he’s an OC I created wayyyy back in the days when I first started writing fanfic with a group of three via email ( previously we had met on Pinterest of all places !! ). He’s changed a lot over the years and sadly been relegated to living on the shelf since I don’t RP my OC’s much, save for Starburst. The other NPC’s in babe && mine’s threads are shared characters between us rather than what I consider to be an ACTUAL OC born of my own mind... idk if that makes sense ??
BUT YES— I have a headcanon that the Tarnish region have Scottish / Irish influenced accents. Actually, it’s something @lifotni && I talked about recently, funny enough !! That said, I really, really, giving my characters something uncommon about them so I can do research, delve into their psyche and see how those lesser explored traits affect them && their relationships with others, the world, themselves, etc. So, for Cypher it’s his facial disfigurement. 
LOLOL DON’T CALL ARIEL / ELITA OUT LIKE THIS— but I mean you’re 1000% right. She likes mecha ( mecha && femme, she’s bi-romantic, demisexual ) with a broad chassis and large arms, good for hugging. Their connection though is more so a close platonic friendship than romantic. It’s funny, I’ve never imagined any hints of romance shared between them !! Ariel sees him kind of like an older brother, and Cypher is Hella Gay lol.
Also, like, nonnie, I LOVE how you noticed the subtle callbacks like “In for four, out for four” and the spark massaging. I was SO curious if anyone was going to notice those actions, since it’s something Ariel / Elita has carried through now for her life. Idk, I just thought it’d be neat to put in WHERE those things came from && WHY they’re so important to her ??
I honestly could talk about the world building elements I slipped in here for HOURS. Tbh, I’m really looking forward to expanding it further since the Golden Age has always interested me deeply, especially with Ariel / Elita and HOW she came to be this legend that she is.
Anyways, I’m so so so happy you enjoyed it as much as I enjoyed writing it. And I’m pleased to say I’m actually just finishing up a sequel to that drabble !! I’m considering making it an on-going series of sorts when I have free time, since I’ve really been in the Ariel mindset... and early-Councillor / Commander years Elita *eyes emoji*
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crowbones · 4 years
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Judge me ig
@costarastrology
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glilboy · 3 years
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Ateez reactions to finding you reading smut about them: Hyung line
ive had this idea for awhile and even requested it a few times from other writers but..i felt it was time to write it lol
tws under the cut
warning, this piece of fiction contains mentions of somnophilia, slight dom and sub dynamics, and general explicit topics.
Hongjoong:
You had attempted to stay up waiting for Hongjoong, deciding to reread one of your favorite stories in the mean time. Unfortunately that wasnt enough to keep you awake, you ultimately passing out and your phone tumbling onto the floor.
Hongjoong had a feeling you'd passed out since you didnt message him any "i miss you :(" texts after 11pm so seeing you knocked out on the couch was no surprise. He slowly padded over to you smiling softly, then noticing your phone on the floor and went to pick it up for you. He was never the kind to go through your phone but your smart self had no shut down timer which left the fan fiction on display for him.
He couldnt help but be curious seeing paragraphs of text and decided a little reading would do no harm. As he began to read though he felt his gut sweep, in a good way. He was honestly a little upset until he saw his name but when he read his name it was like all of exhaustion disappeared. Luckily he didn't have work the next day he thought to himself.
Sitting down on the couch with a plan he slowly nudged you awake. "Hi dear," he spoked softly with a smirk.
You rubbed at your bleary eyes and looked up at him, "Oh hi Joongie. Sorry I didn't mean to fall asleep." He smiled even bigger at you.
"Thats fine, it helped me find out something fun," he tucked your hair behind your ear. Still waking up you made a small "huh?" before seeing the phone in his hand.
"Oh..." you mumbled, starting to be awake enough to get it. You finally looked at him straight on and saw his signature devilish grin.
He moved his hand to slowly move up your thigh, giving it a small squeeze which elicted a sigh out of you. "Didn't think you'd read stuff like that Y/N, but I guess you're just full of surprises huh doll," the pet name made you shiver, Hongjoong never having used that one before.
"I'm sorry Joongie," you mumbled into your arm, face now red. His hand moving up to cup your core and grind his hand into it making you whimper softly.
"Oh dont be sorry dolly, just shows me that you really miss me."
Seonghwa:
Saying Seonghwa was caring was an understatement in a way. Despite his busy schedule he made it a point to showed he cared in different ways. One thing he always did was if you left your phone out at all he would put it on the charger for you. Small things!
Today though he had come home earlier than usual while you were taking a quick shower. Seeing your phone on the counter he waltzed over setting his stuff down to throw it on the charger even if it wasn't that low. He noticed you left it on, open to a book he assumed enough.Him being the lovely man he is he wanted to read a bit to see what you liked and possibly buy you a physical copy. Written porn with his name in it though was not what he was expecting.
Seonghwa gulped, setting down your phone with his hands shaking and his face now flushed pink. He took a deep breath and set down his bag, running his fingers through his hair now being surprisingly worked up. A part of him felt embarrassed for being turned on by the writing but at the same time he knew you didn't read it for no reason.
"Hwa! You're home early hello!" You ran up to him giggling, now clean and dressed in some sweats.
"Hey babe, yeah we got let out early cause we learned the new choreography fast enough. They asked us if we wanted to do more vocal practice but none of us did," He laughed, trying to shift his legs to hide his slight erection.
"None of you stay late ever," you giggled sarcastically up at him. "Well, I was gonna take a nap. Do you want to? I'm sure you're tired."
He nodded softly and took your hand walking to your guys bedroom talking about your day. He changed himself into more comfortable clothing then joined you in bed, you curling into him quickly. Once you settled Seonghwa felt he could actually breathe, feeling like a middle schooler just for getting more worked up from having you close. He heard your breath settle which is when he shifted away a bit from you.
"Fuck..." He mumbled, having the space now laying on his back to palm himself over his erection. Looking over at your sleeping face made it worse, the piece you had opened having involved somnophilia. One thing he never had the guts to suggest to you despite having such an open relationship.
He didn't notice your eyes flutter open at the movement. You only just fell asleep so you were in no means in too deep. You decided to play it though, closing your eyes and throwing a leg over his waist as if you were just adjusting in your sleep.
He inhaled a sharp breath and bit his lip now mildly frustrated at the whole situation. Mumbling a fake sleepy "Hwa" you moved to straddle the man hearing a childish sigh escape his lips.
"If you keep moving, I swear to god," He mumbled out loud thinking youre still asleep since you had always been a chaotic sleeper.
"And what will you do about it horny kid," you giggled against his neck. You could feel his body tense.
"Go back to sleep and I'll fuck you like your sick little fantasy, how about that hm?"
yunho:
Rain was beating against the window as you cuddled up on the couch with your phone in hand. Yunho was on the other side of his personal office playing video games. It was a chill day but something in the air was setting you slightly off the edge.
Besides the sweet glances and cheesy smiles thrown at each other, your screen was very much the opposite of innocent pure love. Getting indulged in the story you started to zone in, missing some of his looks making Yunho curious as to what your interest was delved into currently.
"Be right back guys," he said into the mic mischievously. Quickly making his way over he slipped the phone out of your hand, this behavior wouldve typically been fine but because of the contents on your screen you gasped and reached out for your phone. "You doing something naughty or do you just like acting suspicious?" he grinned before looking at your phone.
His face feel reading the paragraph of a particularly nsfw scene. You were now sitting up staring at him wide eyed, "yuyu please oh god its not what you think, i think." Silence filled the room, the only noises being the sound of his running pc and the dull chatter of the other boys.
"Do you read this often?" he said out of hesitation and pure curiosity, almost feeling that he violated your private space. He kind of got the gist of it all right away, thankfully for your sake.
"Not all the time but i mean, you are busy yunho," you tried to softly explain knowing this was odd territory.
"Do you...ever want to try it," he says, getting to the end of the page and looking at you.
"I can't say that..none of them aren't, nice," the air was filled with an awkward energy that could suffocate another person if they came in at such a weird time.
The two of you stood there for a second, until he moved towards you and took your hand. He placed it on his bulge and you sucked a breathe in.
"Take off my pants," he ordered, a strange harsh tone to his voice. For you guys there was never set roles, not any dom or sub dynamic but it wasnt vanilla per say so him speaking like this was new. Besides that, you did as he said and pushed your thumbs under the waistband of his sweats, pulling them down his legs.
Silently he took your hand then sat down on his gaming chair, pulling out his large cock. He slipped on his headphones before looking up at you with a shit eating grin.
"Sit down, i can tell youve been dying too babe."
yeosang:
You were waiting for yeosang to come home after a shorter than usual practice, deciding to pass the time by indulging in your secret world. In the midst of browsing your favorite blogs you didn't hear the door open, this event made you learn not to have headphones in when participating in such activities.
Walking in, Yeosang looked around for you and spotted your figure on the couch. He slowly moved near with a secret motive of scaring you when he glanced at your phone seeing a photo of him paired with a lot of writing. Tilting his head curiously he squinted to read the text, reading along with you until his face flushed.
Sucking in a breath slightly he moved back to the door, playing off him just entering. You noticed his figure walking towards you and sneakily turned off your phone and got up to greet him.
"Hey babe, it's nice to see you in the sunlight," you giggled and wrapped your hands around his waist. You noticed him hesitantly wrapping his arms around you, causing you to pull away.
"Hey, whats up? you seem a bit off?" you pouted and brushed the hair out of his eyes, not catching the little blush.
"Yeah yeah babe, I'm fine. promise," he cleared his throat and pulled away, making your heart sink a bit. He practically completely ignored what you actually said.
"No Yeo, I- did I do something wrong? Or just a long day?" you pried knowing something was up.
Shifting awkwardly on his feet he looked up at you, his hair back in his face. "I um, saw what you were reading."
The color drained from your face, mouth slightly hanging not knowing what to say. You thought he was pissed, was going to leave and break up with you but right when you were about to talk he spoke again.
"C-can we do that?"
A moment of silence passed and you looked up at him, your boyfriend who was typically very soft and gentle in bed. Knowing what you were reading was likely pretty heavy in his book, you became worried. "Yeo, I just read it. It means nothing I don't want to make you uncomforta-"
His lips cut yours off and one hand entangled in your hair, his other guiding you to the wall by your hip. Back flush against the way you pulled away after a moment to see his eyes wide and sweat already beading down his temple.
"I've wanted to do that, just didn't want to scare you dear."
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szivoszal · 2 years
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started university this autumn and ive been busy with that, so i havent really been making big art things. here's a masterpost of movement figure studies, mostly but not all made out of pure thirst (stray kids, enhypen, nct 127 and some ssireum wrestling sketches)
this is enough and substantial on its own, though. keeping on trying new stuff and making strides in things im familiar with; for now that's campus sketches, dynamic movement sketches, trying out charcoal for the first time, stuff that doesnt require a ton of time and focus, just a bit for fun. (i havent been using color lately again bc it needs more focus...or maybe a different focus than what im capable of rn?) even if its not a serious progress in new mediums/techniques/thoughts/etc, its still worth it.
for a long time now ive wanted to put extra meaning into my drawings and works! but then it just doesnt fit my hand, i always end up focusing on the pure visuals of things, which has a spirituality on its own and its valid, but yeah... odilon redon has been fascinating me, for example. i wanna tap into something too, in my own way. though it doesnt matter what i think i want, bc intuition and affection always leads me in a direction i havent planned/thought of, partly bc inspiration has to have a freshness to really strike (have to do a thing Now or never bc the idea expires), and partly just cuz its the type of thing that gets worse and harder the more u try to control it.
im thinking that direct symbolism and meaning needs more effort/control from my part (for me personally, where im at rn), and although i dont hate the results, its not intuitive and doesnt feel great to make. so im waiting for when my intuition will be curious enough about it to make the effort. maybe now is the time. or maybe ill continue doing studies of stuff. i like observing. observing and studying without added commentary or judgement is very valuable.
another thing ive been thinking abt is the switch from studying in hs to being in tech art school to studying in uni. i cant do artsy stuff full time now (again), but also i dont Have to do artsy stuff full time and thats great actually. the universe didnt intend for me to go to art school and it was right, art uni doesnt sound fun now.
cuz i dont think art is really able to flourish in a space where so much pressure is put on it, when ur self esteem and so many things are dependent on ur output... or at least its not ideal. Or at least not for me. it seems to me that practicing anything is about a balance of structure (like a schedule to follow), pleasant effort (enough to feel youve done something but not straining), natural ease & fun. i tend to be anxious and a tryhard (too sensitive to structure and expectations), or have been for a long time, so the fun and ease aspect has been the main thing i needed for drawing and making things. i cant imagine making good things without a sense of ease.
going to uni for a different thing is also great bc the world gets so much wider... i enjoy spending time with getting to know stuff! ive gotten used to only talking about art, but its not just about art. it was that way when i was rly insecure and my self esteem depended on my drawing output. theres so much more to life and that much more is where art gets its zest from. that much more might be what ive been missing out on if ive concentrated too much of myself on art before. distancing oneself from art can be a good thing for connecting with oneself and the world, in that way.
in any case, i think im doing good. i enjoy doing this. this is the ease. should go study for my exams now lol
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tragedy-for-sale · 3 years
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All You Had to do, Was Stay
That last fic was reposted for a reason. TW for hard-core angst (mentions of death, etc...).
I promised you guys Blyla on Saturday..... Apparently. So I have delievered. So enjoy, but I'm serious about that TW. Also it's kinda long? Lol how did that happen?
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Torturous. That’s what this had been to Commander Bly. He’d pulled himself to shore, water filled his lungs every time he took a breath, but he did it! He stitched his own bleeding heart and stayed silent. He had no one but himself, that he had no issue with. But this, oh! He had an issue with this! With Aayla. ‘Break my heart, and go on acting as if nothing had ever happened.’ Well, actually that first part was a lie, he was not okay with being alone, he was miserable and in the night, he fantasized of death. It didn't concern him too much at first, for he and all his brothers thought about their death so often; where they'd be when it happened and who would be there to hold their hand before they let go.
Bly was enraged by the fact, that Aayla was instantly fine. As if she hadn’t even loved him a fraction of how much he loved her. As if she really hadn’t wanted them to happen. But it had! But it had and Aayla was so insistent on acting fine. As if she didn’t have water flooding into her lungs every time they spotted each other. As if she wasn't drowning in the same ocean of agony Bly had considered drowning in. He's thought about it, letting the waves consume him, letting water fill his lungs. He thought about giving into the ocean. Giving into the sea. The idea of giving in was the reason this happened.
That idea was the reason he became distracted, why he didn't see it coming. There was a shot, sending him flying back, knocking him unconscious. There were screams, 'the commander is down! Get to him!' They cried out and if Bly could've seen his brothers, seen his Aayla, he would've been more inclined to fight. If he had seen his brothers swarm around him, killing everything that stood in their way, seen how they protected him, he would've had a reason to fill his lungs with air. If Bly had seen how Aayla's face dropped, filling with sheer determination to finish the battle to get to him, well, if he had seen her, his heart would of had a reason to beat. But he did not see anything, he did not have a reason to fight.
He hit the ground hard and closed his eyes, willing to accept death, for only a life with love is a life worth living. There was a moment, a split second before the world went black, that he smiled. A small one, mind you, for this he had accepted, you see, he had forgotten how much this galaxy, his galaxy, loved him.
He did not feel the hand of his medic, gripping his hand so tightly, unwilling to let go, "Stay with us Commander, the general is kicking all those droids' asses, for yours." The medic took off his helmet, taking off Bly's too, eyes going wide as he realized his helmet was cracked and his head was bleeding, "So you best live, commander, we won't make it through this war if you're not here for us to love." The medic rambled, cleaning Bly's head wound, stitched it, and put on a bacta patch, "Don't die, sir, we all love you," the medic leaned in as if Bly could hear him, "Aayla loves you too, I know that you've been fighting, but if you don't live, neither will she. So if not for your brothers than for the woman you love." He tried to joke, but he shouldn't have. He then looked up, nodding to his brothers to load their commander on a stretcher and to start making their way back away from the front.
For the woman you love.
── ✦ ──
Who says she doesn't love you.
The medic had yet to leave Commander Bly's side. He was determined for him to live, but even after time in the bacta tank, Bly's stats weren't where they needed to be. Curious, for their commander was in the prime of his life, in perfect shape, he shouldn't be fighting for his life. It was as if he had simply lost the will to live. He was dying. Dying of a brokenheart.
No, no, that was unacceptable. And frankly, ridiculous. "He'll pull through," Galle said from the doorway, the medic shot up, locking eyes, "He's a petty thing, he's gotta be dramatic to make Secura realize she made a mistake dumping his ass"
"That's... A highly insensitive way to view it," the medic looked at him, "But...." The medic looked past Galle, out towards the main room, Secura was there, hovering. "You're right so let's go get lunch, maybe if he hears her voice he'll wake up" the medic giggled, getting up and leaving the chart in a place easy to find.
"That's my boy, Tar" Galle smiled, "Come on, it's soup day." Galle patted Tar on the shoulder, pulling him into a hug.
"Oh hell yeah! I love soup day!" Tar exclaimed as he picked up his pace and soon enough, he was dragging Galle down to the mess for soup. Their plan worked once they were gone.
Aayla circled back around, saw the near empty room with Bly laying in the bed. She then walked in. "Bly." She greeted with the smallest of bows. She frowned as she looked at him, his head was bandaged, as was his chest from where he was shot, his arm in a sling. "My dear, what happened out there?" She asked as if they were still what they were. In love. They still were, very much were they in love, but Aayla tried to end it and in their ignorance, they convinced themselves they had, they convinced themselves they could fight love. They were fools to believe such.
She grabbed his chart, reading it over, "I don't understand," She muttered, looking up at his stats then back to the chart, "You should be awake, you should be up-" Aayla felt that panic set in, he had to wake up, because even if she thought it was over, their story wasn't over yet. For Bly wasn't the one who dies in this story. As you know, in this story, they get to love each other. At least for now. "Bly." Aayla set the chart down and grabbed his hand, reaching out through the force. What she hoped to find she didn't know, all she knew was that it came from her heart, a rather selfish place, but as Tar said, she would die when Bly did. Regardless of if she still had a breathing body.
"N-no-" A deep, grim voice groaned. Bly. He turned his head, he'd roll on his side if he could, just as he would grip Aayla's hand tightly if he could. All he could do was mumble out that small, insignificant word. It would not be the first time he pleaded that word so helplessly. Knowing the thing he was about to do was out of his control. "Go-" He coughed, managing to move his arm, snatching his hand from Aayla's.
"Bly!" Aayla exclaimed, immense relief flowing throw. "You're awake, I'm so relieved, Tar said you-" She paused as she processed what Bly had said. "Go?" She repeated. Bly let out a cough, as he tried to sit up as best he could. He then nodded.
"Yes," He answered, "You didn't want to love me anymore, I don't know why you're here." He told her, offended that she forgot. There hasn't been a day that has gone by that he hadn't looked at her and wished for her to embrace him yet again. But now that she was, Bly couldn't stand it. "At least mean what you say" He pulled up his blanket, feeling terribly vulnerable.
Aayla blinked, looking at him in shock. Oh, she really did love him. She couldn't stand by her word, "I shouldn't have-" Aayla tried to compose herself, but her shaking hands gave it away. Bly's vision was a little fuzzy, but he noticed, she was nervous alright, her mind going over all she could say, searching for the thing to say. "When you got shot, I could not think of anything but you-"
"Well unlike you, you never leave my mind." He huffed, trying to be angry, but it looked more as if he was pouting, "I didn't need you to get shot to realize I love you and will always love you. I didn't need you to almost die for me to realize it." He shook his head, he looked away. He was too weak to get up and dramatically exit, so his poorly crossed arms and him looking away would have to do.
"Bly, I would be lying if I said you haven't been on my mind-"
"Well you seem to be getting pretty good at lying so-" he tried to hold his grouchy expression, yes, he was mad, but Bly was not one to act on his anger, he was quite a mellow fellow, so his anger, anger that masked his heartbreak, was quite... Pathetic. He got distracted, fiddling with IV to keep his eyes from looking to Aayla, for everytime she was in the room, she was the only he could look at. So he was trying really hard, not to give into love. But Aayla already did.
"Bly, I'm sorry, I thought it was the right thing to do, the honorable thing to do," She started to apologize, even though she was sure Bly was doing his best to tune her out, "I worry constantly about being a worthy Jedi, of following my teachings, but I must follow my feelings too, we are raised surrounded by love but then taught we are not allowed to." Aayla continued to explain, "And for a long time, I thought that if I were to be a good Jedi, I must follow every teaching, but I have since learned that is not true." Aayla held out her hand, incase Bly would want to take, oh how she hoped he would. "So, I refuse to believe that I am serving a worthy purpose if I am not loving with my whole heart. If I am not loving you."
Bly's head shot up. Got him. His eyes were watering. Got him? Bly looked at her as if he was a puppy she'd struck across the face, "You can't say shit like that-" He whined, shaking his head.
"Like what?" Aayla asked, feeling an immense sadness grow in her as she sensed all of Bly's pain.
"Like you do love me."
"But I do-"
"I know!" He cried, dropping his head immediately to hide his tears, "That's the problem." Bly practically whimpered. Aayla felt a lump in her throat, her stomach dropped, for what was she suppose to do? She'd reduced Bly to tears, along with his injured body, she injured his heart further. Aayla didn't move, all she could think to do was to sit there, forcing herself to watch Bly break just as she had when she had caused all that pain. She couldn't stand to think about it, how she'd broken Bly's heart. For she'd done it again.
For a long while, Aayla sat in silence while Bly cried, he needed it. He really did just need to cry. At last, he looked up and sniffled, "I really think you should leave." He whispered. Aayla's face fell, pure shock and hurt. But she should have expected such. She had hurt Bly and broken his trust. So Aayla nodded and begun to leave but before she did, Bly reached out and grabbed her hand, pulling her to him slightly. She didn't say anything but Bly didn't either. He simply held her hand, and when he was ready,
He let go
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sketcheydyslexic · 3 years
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eyyyy rin, honeybee, honeycomb, sugar cube, sweets. i kinda have a little bit of every love languages, sum more than others, and honestly touch has always been a norm for me. i gesture my baby bro tah hold my hand a lot, i held out my arm if am walking with sum family i know like tah hold on tah me, my closest friends and i aren't that big on cuddles cuz we rarely hang out in our houses (we live far from each other :'() so i just hold out mah hand tah them and give them surprise hugs but when we do have hangouts in our houses it's just no sleep fo us. i remember on my friend's bday party we had a sleepover with someone i instantly clicked with (we jokingly called each other girlfriends) one of my friends slept on my lap till i couldn't feel it while simultaneously watching a movie on another friend's phone so i was basically sitting indian spread, my upper body leaning on a pillow watching a movie while another friend leans on my side keeping me from moving much cuz i knew they didn't sleep well, basically my body ached but it was worth it. when we meet i'll make sure ya get as much hugs and cuddle ya need and don't worry bout needing a reason tah get affection mah arms always open tah a friend :D
the first thought i had when ya said people said fresh was "gaster fresh" was: did people really not believe fresh can be that hot and sexy??? also i confessed tah my friends that i simped fo him, a walking neon sign, and i also added that he's a parasite and they were the definition of surprise pikachu face. as much i would love tah be ya beta reader, english ain't even mah first language and all the info bout grammar has disappeared. i just kinda go with whatever sounds/looks right
dust's match up photo look amazing!!! hello???? ghost pap awatching mah reaction and telling dust bout it!??? i would legit just squeal and jump due tah happiness, would 100% just die on spot cuz of giddiness. [at this part i fell asleep cuz of sleep depravation and i just woke up so there might be a lot of wrong grammar and spelling in here and i kept it short too]
I MAY BE STUPID. I DIDN'T REALIZE YA WERE THE AUTHOR OF THE HOME FOR THE LOST SOULS????? I THOUGHT THE TITLE FELT FAMILIAR BUT MY BRAIN KEPT TELLING ME THAT THE FIC I'M THINKING WAS A DIFFERENT ONE????? I FOLLOWED YA CUZ OF A BHC FAN ART, THE ONE ABT YA SELF INSERT BETWEEN RUS' LEGS AND I JUST STARTED TAH INTERACT WITH YA CUZ I WAS WORRIED BOUT YA PHYSICAL AND MENTAL HEALTH. i can't believe i so stupid and i only realized cuz i was reading the "a tyrant and an addict gave me hope" and i got curious so i looked at ya profile not noticing ya name and i noticed the HFTLS fic then ya name and all this time i've been reading ya fics without noticing ya were the author 🤦(amazing fics tho, very curious abt mc's "soulmate" that a-hole >:[)
mah days kinda been 📈📈📉📉📈 the highlight of mah day would be the thunderstorm that approached at 3pm ish yesterday. rather than going out and dance in the rain i decided tah take a nap (it was an amazing nap) but while i was in the brink of sleeping there was a blackout that lasted till midnight. but my nap was still nice, fell asleep with the rain and there were only 2 thunders that made me flinch which is an achievement tah me! the lightning also made me sleepy and i had dream a about nightmare but i can't remember much of it unfortunately but he looked hot tho from what i remember :') anyways, i woke up from a 5+ hour nap with my body aching and sweaty. the saving grace was me daydreaming bout sum fresh fluff (i was supposed tah draw sum angst fresh cuz i felt like it but that feeling instantly disappeared the world wasn't ready for it i guess 🤷) with sum bad sanses poly added tah the mess. in mah current daydreaming, mc and fresh are soul bonded and the bad sans are on datemate level atm but they kept it somewhat a secret.
sorry bout the short message hun, might go back tah sleep again but how's ya day been? - love 🍯💛 anon <3
Hiiiii! Lovely to hear from you again dearest :) AW Thats adorable, I miss when my little bro was young enough when he would cling to my hand 🥺 America is weird, being any form of affectionate with your friends (at least the way me and all mine coddle each other) makes everyone think you are dating :’) I'm don't have a problem with 70% of my YeYe country bumbkin conservative school make gaging faces and call me and my friends the lesbians, but it gets to a point where you have to ask if that is really the only thing they have to talk about all year. Like, we are upperclassmen with jobs and lives, and you are still acting like a brat 😔 at least I live in one of the prettiest states of America. The kinds of friends you just click with are the best 🥰 I am the designated human pillow of my friend group, as well as the mom friend, my friends just love to snuggle up to me in the colder months and call me their space heater LOL. Affection? For lil old me 👉👈🥺thank you!
In their defense, it was probably the fact that I made him shed a few eye bleeding layers Lmao. I have discord screenshots of a “sans phase”conversation I had with my friends Collin... He thought it was a joke that I am still in my undertale ‘phase’ but I'm not, sir I have a whole blog, I'm writing whole ass fanfictions, please do not laugh at my sans and papyrus’s 😭 Haha not everyone gets the class it takes to simp over A skeleton, but one day, hopefully, they will see the beauty of it.
thank you for thinking of it dear :D honestly you seem so fluent in English, I didn't even think about the possibility of it not being your first language. I'm learning Spanish for the 3rd year, I can say the dummest things perfectly but as soon as you ask me to hold a normal conversation? I stutter and mess up everything. You can definitely tell that It's not my first language. I'll find a beta reader one of these days, especially with the Discord server I'm setting up for people in the Undertale/underverse community! It's going to be for artist, authors, fanfic readers, and people who just like undertale. I've been working to get it all nice and shiny for when people do join :) I'm really excited, so I hope people join it.
EEEE THANK YOU! I was going to make dust get dragged along by ghost pap by his hood, but I liked the simplicity of this one :). I would probably stare at ghost pap for uncomfortable amount of time, asking myself if I can really see a ghost outside my door lol. You should always sleep when you need it dear, I'm fine waiting for another day or two to get a message back if it means you are resting <3
OH! YEAH THATS ME :) I've gotten a lot of that recently so I was kind of worried people were mistaking me as the author for a different fic, but I can only find one undertale fic with the name “home for lost souls” 😭 I feel all fuzzy when it happens. OH MY GOD 😭 I swear I laughed so hard I cried when I read “cuz I was worried bout ya physical and mental heath” I WHEEZED. Was it really that concerning? I thought It was cute 😂. (also, that's home for lost souls Mutt btw, thought I should show my boy some love <3) I might make a better version of it soon, since the anatomy is a little wonky. Now you know my dirty secret mwahahaha, I write many a fanfic and I'm proud of all my babies, despite their flaws. AWW thank you, that means along honey 🥺💕 I promise you will meet Christopher in the next two or three chapters, I just want the guys to have a little MORE attachment to reader first, something that makes them care about her in a way that isn't just because their souls are compatible, you know? That way the hurt is even better 😈.
Rain naps are where it's at for me, I don't ever sleep like I do when it rains. Especially since my window is right beside my bed, so get to hear the pitter patter a lot better. Thunder scares my cat, poor baby, Ive never let her go hungry, or get hurt, but she is still spooked to death by thunder. She hides in the most awful of places in out house to hide unless I come get her and hold her close on my lap with a bunch of blankets on my room. One of these days we can have a sleepover and ill make you the best sleepy time tea you've ever had, it always helps me with the headaches I get when I first wake up too! We can play on my Nintendo switch too, I just bought the year pass of online, but nONE OF MY FRIENDS HAVE MINECRAFT or any if the other games I play :’) they were the ones who talked my into getting online too. I do love daydreaming, some people call it maladaptive daydreaming? I call it future planning for my current works 😌. Ooooo! That sounds lovely, have you ever considered writing? Maybe even just headcanons? You have really cool ideas!
My days have been stressful and busy but I'm making it through them, it's lobor day so I got today off, I spend most of it sleeping in, and the first thing I did when I woke up was respond to you, so I'm hoping the rest of the day goes okay as well.
Sleep well dear, I hope your days get better and you have a wonderful week <3
(EDIT NOTE: you can start sending your asks to my other blog @sketchydyslexic instead of this one. Just to keep my page art/writing related.)
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andorwhore · 3 years
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Saudade - IV of VII
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Chapter IV of VII: Care
summary: A year in the life of a rebel with a cause and a rebel in search of one… chapter four: Lose has a tendency to bring people close, and that can be daunting.
author’s note: Who hasn’t updated since October? I guess it’s me, the resident asshole author. I took a very long and unexpected break from writing due to school and work, and I still haven’t written any new content unfortunately. But I thought it would be a shame to let this complete chapter sit around unpublished. So, I’m hoping that this will motivate me to finish up this story (and potentially add that new chapter I’ve been considering). And if I never get around to wrapping this fic up, at the very least this is the perfect chapter to leave it on.
pairing: Cassian Andor x OC word count: 11,465 (longest one yet babey) rating: T, eventual R warnings: is ~*~intimacy~*~ something that requires a warning lol
chapter one || chapter two || chapter three || chapter four
[ff.net] [ao3]
taglist: @justanotherblonde23​
The Festival of Stars was a celebration Jai was quite familiar with, or at least as familiar as the average person could be. She didn't know the exact origin of the festival week, though she knew it had something to do with interstellar space travel; what she did know with certainty is that every year, the Ring of Kafrene became overloaded with travelers during the holiday, en route to destinations all across the galaxy. On Kafrene, the people took to celebrating it as well, though as Jai got older she realized it was a means of ripping off all the gullible tourists that made pit stops on the colony. Residents of Kafrene were smart to jump on the opportunity, Jai's friends and family included, and ironically enough, because of the locals' investment in playing travelers for fools, the festival in its own way became a part of what little culture Kafrene had.
Jai hadn't expected to hear anything about the festival on Yavin 4. Hell, she all but forgot about the holiday week, the last six months of her life having been all consumed by Alliance business. She first heard someone mention the Festival of Stars just as they were heading back to the base after a mission to a planet called Naator (this being yet another world Jai had no prior knowledge of). She was brought along on the mission as tech support, though Jai was fairly certain she wouldn't be needed.
She had ended up spending a whole day on Naator just sitting in the ship and waiting for her team to return. The most thrilling thing that happened to Jai was when some local animal spooked her as she did an engine check in the morning, and she nearly fried the creature with her blaster. Her team returned successful, and they were off of the planet just as quickly as they had arrived.
As they started on their few hours journey to return back to Yavin 4, one of the team members reminded everyone that the holiday was going on that week, and that they should make a pit stop to pick up a few things to celebrate. Jai listened with intrigue as the group excitedly discussed the festivity, curious to hear about it from the perspective of those that didn't grow up trying to find ways to profit off of the holiday.
Apparently, quite a number of the rebels celebrated it every year, along with the other two Fete Weeks. Jai, of course, didn't know about these other weeks - they had their own dumb holidays back on the Ring of Kafrene, and the Festival of Stars was the only one she knew of that was celebrated in all corners of the galaxy. Rebels, no matter what planet they came from, all seemed to love the holiday, saw it as an opportunity to relax and forget their responsibilities for a while.
Although the festival was traditionally celebrated over the course of five days, the Rebellion only had two evenings unofficially dedicated to it - after all, it wouldn't be very practical if they spent an entire week partying. The "unofficial" part, someone explained to Jai, was because the council of superiors didn't recognize it as any kind of reprieve from work - they were happy to allow their rebels to celebrate, and even happy to take part in the festivities if time allowed, but the Festival of Stars wasn't something marked on everyone's calendars as time off. In the Rebellion, there was no such thing as time off. If someone was lucky enough to have one of the two evenings free, then they were welcome to join in the party.
Jai's team were all planning to attend once they got back to Yavin 4, encouraging the slicer to join them - and Jai was never one to turn down a party.
The Naator mission team ended up going a little crazy during their pit stop on one of the planets in the nearest trading belt - apparently, Jai observed, the Festival of Stars was more like the Festival of Drinking among the rebels. They grabbed everything from spicebrew to malts to drinks that Jai had never even heard of; and, of course, she made sure they grabbed as much Merenzane Gold as they could manage. Jai could only wonder just how much alcohol there would be at base once the other rebels returned from their missions as well, all surely having the same idea as her team.
By the time they returned to Yavin 4, evening was slowly closing in, and the hangar seemed far more crowded than usual - it would seem the partying was far too big for the confines of the mess hall, as the rebels took to setting up out here instead. The Naator team was already buzzing with impatience as the gunship settled on the tarmac, everyone waiting to jump out and join the party that had just begun over on the west side of the hangar. Everyone grabbed up the boxes of alcohol scattered across the ship - Jai made sure she grabbed at least one of the crates of Merenzane.
As she stepped off of the ship, Jai felt a warmth swelling in her chest, hearing her teammates chattering excitedly and the carefree voices of their fellow rebels drifting towards them from the west side. Back home, Jai and her brothers loved the Festival of Stars, and they almost always managed to convince Tillian and Vinis to let them run off amongst the crowds each evening rather than have them work at Vinis' shop in the market (or have them take advantage of the tourists' guards being down). When the three of them were out together, watching the performances other locals put on, hearing the excited chatter of people on the streets, climbing up on rooftops to watch the crowd with interest and awe, they were unstoppable. They always ended those evenings on the roof of their home, staying up into the wee hours of the mornings to watch all of the excitement - up there, they felt as if they were on top of the entire world.
Those were simpler times, before Tillian passed, before Jai's brother ran off with some unscrupulous stranger, when they were still young and hopeful and without a care in the world. Jai missed those days and missed what her family used to be. The holiday didn't feel the same after they lost Tillian, and by the time her brother left, the festival was practically nonexistent to her - they could never go back to the dream of their childhood, and Jai had come to accept that. But as she walked through the hangar with her excited teammates, each with a bit of a skip in their steps, Jai felt as if this could start a new festival tradition for her, one that, though not the same as that of her past, would be just as good. This was the next chapter of her life, and with the next chapter came new things to love and be excited about.
Another half a dozen or so ships had pulled into the hangar after the Naator team, all landing on the opposite end of the hangar from where the enlivened rebels were setting up drinks and tables. Jai was about halfway to her destination when she looked back towards the new ships, but they were too far off for her to immediately identify any of them. Beside her, the team leader, Kinall, asked Jai if she felt steady enough to take another box of alcohol on top of the one she already had - Kinall had to head up to Command to report to her superior about the mission. Jai gave a histrionic sigh, but agreed to take the second crate, readjusting her grip on the box of Merenzane Gold before Kinall set the second box atop it. The captain spun around to head towards the turbolift, Jai watching her walk off while she ensured her grip was steady before continuing towards the party.
"I think you have a drinking problem." a voice teased noncommittally from somewhere behind Jai, causing a smile to pull across her face as she rolled her eyes. Turning around carefully so as not to drop anything, she spotted Cassian and K-2SO approaching her, looking as if they, too, had just returned from a mission. Cassian had a teasing smirk on his lips, and yet the expression didn't even remotely reach his eyes; and, though Kay was expressionless, he still somehow seemed eternally judgmental.
"My only drinking problem is that I haven't had enough yet to deal with you." Jai retorted, looking past Cassian at all the other rebels that had come back from their various missions, wondering briefly if Cassian had gone with a team or if his job had been solo.
Nearly everyone returned with something in hand, most of which Jai was sure had to be booze, though unsurprisingly, Cassian was empty handed.
For another moment, Jai watched the other rebels as most of them walked in her direction, though she noted the few that quickly made their way for the turbolift instead, heads down and expressions distraught. Must have been a sour mission that dampened their mood.
Jai looked between Cassian and the two crates she carried as they began to feel even heavier, "Help a girl out, would you?"
Cassian glanced with disinterest at the boxes in her arms, though Jai could now recognize the waggish glint on his face that, once again, didn't quite seem to reach his eyes, "You look like you've got a handle on it."
She gave him a small glare before turning her eyes up towards K-2SO, but before Jai could say anything, the droid spoke, "Don't assume I'll help you with it."
Jai scoffed, "Such gentlemen…"
She and Cassian met eyes again as he gave a tired, agreeing grin, stepping up to take the top box from her, Jai's arms immediately feeling relieved at the lightened load. As she turned back around for them to head toward the tables, she eyed Cassian curiously, noticing that his posture seemed exhausted and his face worn.
"What, didn't bring anything for the party?" The man looked back at her, his expression a little less amused than before. His lips seemed to press tightly together for a slight second. There was something on his mind, that much Jai could discern, but she was certain that Cassian would avoid mentioning it.
"I have no interest in parties."
Jai shouldn't have been at all surprised by the answer. Of course Cassian wasn't the party going type - he preferred his brooding to having a good time. Ever since their night of drinking two months back, Jai hadn't been able to get him to do so since. Sure, Cassian had a drink here or there that she knew of, but the two haven't since sat down and dedicated a couple of hours to simply drinking and chatting as freely and carelessly as they had back then. That evening caused a shift in their relationship, even if by this point they couldn't exactly remember all of that night.
They were friends now, even if Cassian refused to ever say so out loud. That didn't mean they saw each other everyday nor did they have the chances to make great efforts to spend time together, however, they could both feel it in the way they talked, the way they seemed to feel more at ease with one another, the way they simply seemed to fit together.
Jai had somehow convinced Cassian to spend meals with her and her other friends in the mess hall on a few rare occasions, and when she wasn't busy with something Jai wandered her way to Cassian's ship or up to the control room to take some time to chat with him if she knew he was around base. Neither had been back to the other's dorm, however - that evening months ago was a strange exception, and without saying so they both had a feeling that the next time that happened, it'd be very different from that time before.
Jai liked Cassian - most of the time, she was pretty sure she knew it was just as a friend, but every now and again she caught herself looking at him a certain way, looking at him with a warmth in her chest that she didn't feel often enough to be able to surely identify it. It didn't linger all too often, but when it did it wasn't easy to ignore; Jai could tell herself it was the kind of warmth one felt for a friend, but then she'd catch herself admiring him too closely or getting lost somewhere in her head if someone mentioned his name, and she knew there was no way this warmth was simply one of friendship.
It wasn't a crush - that word certainly felt too juvenile to describe whatever this was. Jai simply saw it as the part of her that got caught up in the "what ifs" - what if we met in a different way in a different place, what if we weren't in this rebellion, what if he wasn't so guarded and distant? The "what ifs" were casual and non committal - they weren't real wants or desires, Jai told herself. They were simple considerations that passed through her mind as if they were foolish impulses, like those pesky voices that asked "what if you just shocked yourself with one of your tools to see what would happen" or "what if you went and jumped out of a ship without taking any precautions?"
And this was a ship that Jai had no intention of jumping out of - it was better if it all just stayed up in her head. She didn't dare let herself wonder if Cassian ever had those random intrusive thoughts - he struck her as the kind of guy who simply didn't have the time for intrusive thoughts. Even when he wasn't busy, his mind was at work, and there was no room for useless thinking as far as she could tell.
So, the fact that Cassian didn't do parties was something Jai could have guessed about him - just like useless thoughts, Cassian didn't seem to have time for useless events either. Though, it was still disappointing to hear from him, because Jai saw Cassian as someone that was in desperate need of some lighthearted fun every now and again.
Jai hummed as they set the crates atop a table full of alcohol of all varieties, other rebels already swarming to grab some for themselves, "That's a shame, I really could use someone to help me drink all this Merenzane."
As she grinned at Cassian, Jai snagged a bottle of her favorite drink before they could all disappear. Cassian glanced at the bottle before his eyes flicked back up to meet Jai's for a moment with a raised brow; he looked behind himself at Kay as if he could get Cassian out of this party, but the damned droid had already retreated with disinterest.
"You'll have to find another drinking partner, Jai." He replied plainly… no, it wasn't plain, he sounded exhausted; he knew, though, that the woman almost surely wasn't going to accept his answer. Jai was persistent when she wanted to be, and something about Cassian always seemed to make her more tenacious than she usually was. Cassian discovered that, apparently, after making some passing comment to someone about Jai's persistence, she was never so stubborn with others, as his comment surprised the rebel he was talking to. She must have reserved all of that tiresome stubbornness for him and him alone. Upon discovering that, Cassian repeatedly had to stop himself from overthinking what that meant.
Cassian could tell from the look in Jai's eyes that she was about to attempt to persuade him to stay for a little while, and he could also see that she was hoping that she'd succeed. Giving her his own resolute look, Cassian turned his shoulder and started walking out of the crowd of other rebels.
"You know you can relax every now and again." Jai's voice chimed up from right alongside him; she sounded caring, as if she wasn't simply asking for his company, but asking for him to be at ease for once, "Maybe a party would be good for you."
"I think not." He glanced down at her. His tone nor his expression were either harsh or dismissive, but that weariness Jai spotted earlier seemed almost more present in his eyes, "I have to go debrief with Draven."
Jai couldn't argue with that particular point, knowing it to be true, though she was sure a debriefing couldn't take up much of his time. She sighed a little through her nose as she looked down at the Merenzane she was carrying. Something seemed to be bothering Cassian, or maybe this last mission was just so draining that he couldn't commit himself to socializing.
"Come back down for one drink?" She tried one final time, seeing the consideration on Cassian's face when she looked back toward him.
A part of Cassian wanted to say yes. Despite how awful he felt, and despite his complete lack of interest in the Festival of Stars, a part of him wanted to agree to a drink with some good company. He began to consider that maybe a drink is exactly what his drained heart needed right now, what his weathered mind could use. Though he wasn't keen on joining a pointless party, Cassian felt some kind of pull towards spending time with Jai, especially given the way she looked at him with such hopefulness. Whether that be because he was fond of her or because he knew he had something important to say to her, he wasn't sure.
After all these months, Jai had become a friend, though her tactics were relatively new ones to him - any time she was told "Cassian doesn't do this" or "Cassian doesn't like that," she blatantly did whatever those things were to challenge them, to test them and see if they were true or if simply no one else dared to try to get any closer to him.
Cassian would have expected himself to become annoyed by Jai's persistence, but despite himself he found that he respected it, found that he even came to genuinely like it - because he kept so many people at arm's length, he was refreshed by Jai's resolve to get to know him, to be his friend and to see him open up. Sure, Jai's disregard for his space could occasionally be a pain in his ass, but more often than not it turned out to be exactly what Cassian needed in a companion, in a friend, in… well, he didn't want to consider what she could be beyond a friend.
Jai raised one brow as a grin spread across her lips - Cassian's silent consideration was a promising reaction, she had come to learn. The silence meant he was interested in her offer, at least to some degree, he just simply didn't want to admit so. As he recognized the look on Jai's face, Cassian sighed with an indignant roll of his eyes.
He lifted his index finger between them for emphasis, "One drink."
Jai's smile grew wider as she motioned with her head towards the turbolift, hoping her smile would help lift some of that obvious stress off of his shoulders, "Go take care of your debriefing, captain."
The trace of a sad smile pulled at Cassian's face as he turned away from the woman to make his retreat. Jai watched him go with a content expression, eyeing her friend closely until finally the doors of the lift closed, only catching at the very last second that there appeared to be some kind of a sadness in his eyes.
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Jai had a feeling Cassian was going to flake on her.
Captain Kinall from Jai's mission already returned to the hangar, and the woman had gone up to command only a few minutes before Cassian. She'd been back long enough to finish one drink, and Jai found herself wondering if Cassian's debriefing had run over, or if he changed his mind and went back to his dorm without telling her.
She shouldn't be upset at him. It felt childish, this anxiety that bubbled in Jai's chest as she considered why Cassian didn't show. If he didn't want to join her for a drink, then so be it - she shouldn't let herself get upset over that, it was far too out of character.
But a small, nagging part of Jai was, at the very least, disappointed - despite how uneventful their conversations could be sometimes, she nonetheless was looking forward to getting some time with Cassian tonight. She always looked forward to even the briefest of minutes she got to see him.
Jai sat at one of the tables dragged out for the party, Abe and Miona across from her, and beside her another doctor named Pek. For what felt like the hundredth time, Miona was encouraging Abe to talk to another rebel that he fancied, and Pek was telling Miona and Jai to stop pestering him about it.
Of all the twi'leks Jai had met through the years, Abe was by far the most peculiar - the twi'leks back on Kafrene always seemed bold, fearless, and without any hesitation, but Abe was constantly getting caught up in his own head, always questioning and calculating everything before coming to any decision. It's what Jai found charming about him; the fact that he shared that quality with her younger brother is what drew her to Abe in the first place.
"Jai," Miona's voice stressed, drawing her friend from her daze - stupidly, Jai had been staring at the turbolift and once more got caught up wondering where Cassian was. Jai quickly collected herself, looking around the table, "Tell Abe he just needs to go talk to Chiri."
Jai could see Pek and Abe both roll their eyes, and the slicer gave a half-assed grin, "Abe, tonight is kind of the perfect night to go for it, what could go wrong?"
"I'm not going to make an idiot of myself trying to flirt with anyone." Abe argued nervously, looking tired to be having this conversation yet again.
Jai shrugged noncommittally, lifting her glass to her lips, "Then stop ogling her every time you see her - she might start to notice you."
Miona laughed good-naturedly, setting her hand on Abe's forearm as reassurance.
"Leave him alone, you guys." Pek rolled her eyes at them, giving Jai a little jab with her elbow, "We've had this conversation a thousand times already."
Jai gave her friend a nudge back, the corner of her mouth pulled up slightly, "Fine, fine, I promise no more talking about Chiri."
"You don't make promises." Miona scoffed around the rim of her glass.
Jai paused before nodding in agreement, raising her glass, "You got me there."
Jai's eyes drifted back toward the turbolift, and she mentally reprimanded herself for it - she shouldn't let Cassian trouble her. It was a stupid thing to keep focusing on; she was here with her friends, so why let one man's disinterested agreement to make an appearance linger in her thoughts?
A minute later, the turbolift doors opened, and dumbly Jai perked up a little, only to be immediately let down when she saw it wasn't Cassian. She hoped the others didn't notice her.
She sighed a little through her nose, knocking back the rest of the Merenzane in her glass in one swift swig before she started chewing on the inside of her lip, her brows pulled into a slight glare as she started down at her empty glass.
This was stupid. Why did she get herself excited for Cassian in the first place? They were friends, but they weren't that close. And yet, Jai felt a distinct fondness, a feeling of closeness despite knowing they weren't that. It was that draw she felt to him, the one stirred up when she started thinking "what if" again - it was the things in her head overriding what was going on in reality. She just needed to relax and have another drink, and the rebel captain would be forgotten for the remainder of the evening.
And yet… Jai felt some distinct pull to the man this evening, something she couldn't shake. It had to have been that look in his eyes earlier - Cassian looked exhausted despite putting up at least a decent front of impassivity, he looked downcast despite trying to make jokes to keep Jai off his scent. Maybe she should have read his body language better - he was probably so drained from whatever his latest job was, both emotionally and physically, that there was no way he could try to take part in socializing tonight.
'I don't think he's okay.' The thought suddenly struck Jai, though she tried to dismiss it as being her own anxiety just creating extra worry. Cassian was probably as fine as one could be after a rough mission, he just didn't care about this party. But then again, he seemed more off than usual earlier, like he was not entirely there despite trying to pretend he was.
Jai came back to reality again, looking around the table at her friends, wondering if they had noticed just how long she'd been silent. Miona seemed to give her a look of at least recognition that she had zoned out, but it wasn't a knowing expression as if she could figure out what was on Jai's mind. Jai sighed a little, glancing at her glass again before pushing up from the table without entirely thinking about it.
"I need another drink." The group's eyes drew toward her, and Abe lifted his own glass and shook it a little.
"Grab another for me, too?"
Jai nodded, though she wasn't entirely sure she'd be back to the table any time soon; but she didn't want them being suspicious about her disappearance, at least not from the get-go. As her friends returned to their discussion, Jai glanced back towards the turbolift as she started walking away - she knew she had herself convinced that something wasn't right, and now there was no shaking that though. Her legs carried her toward one of the tables full of drinks, but as she glanced down at it, she had no interest in refilling her glass.
Jai sighed - it looked like she was going to search for the rebel captain after all.
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Cassian wasn't sure when he had zoned out or how long he had been sitting still as a statue on the edge of his bed, but a knock at his door drew him out of his daze. As he blinked rapidly a few times, the knocking sounded again - how long had someone been at his door? Cassian's eyes drifted toward it, staring weakly - he was too exhausted to deal with anyone right now, and there wasn't anything that could be that important right now.
"Cassian." A voice sounded from the other side, causing his brows to perk and his back to straighten in recognition - Jai. She came looking for him, much to his own surprise.
When he agreed to return to the hangar, he was still on the fence about whether or not he'd even show, about whether or not he wanted to tell Jai what was on his mind. When he returned to his room to clean up after his meeting with Draven, Cassian knew he didn't have the emotional energy to put up with a crowd, even if it were just for a few minutes. He figured Jai would be content with her friends and forget all about asking him to show up, but evidently his assumption was false.
Cassian pushed his elbows off of his bare knees, staring at the door again as he sighed, deciding whether or not he even wanted to get up. Jai's knocking had stopped - did she give up? Despite himself, Cassian felt a certain disappointment, imagining Jai sighing on the opposite side of his door and walking away in defeat - maybe he wanted to talk to her, maybe he wanted some company. No, he wasn't the type that ever wanted someone around, especially not when he felt like shit as he was feeling tonight. Yet, something in him wanted to let Jai in.
Cassian rose to his feet while pushing his damp hair off of his forehead, hurrying to his small closet to dig out a pair of sweatpants, which he stumbled his legs into as he made for the door. As one hand finished pulling them up, the other snatched his discarded jacket from where he'd dropped it onto the floor.
He stuck his head out the door, seeing that Jai had, in fact, begun to retreat down the hall. For a moment, he simply stared at the back of her head, wondering what exactly he wanted - should he let her go, or should he call out to her? Why did he even go to his door to begin with? And why did he feel this craving for company somewhere in his chest, a craving for Jai's company?
"Jai?" His voice was quieter than he expected, and Cassian wondered if the slicer even heard him. But she paused and turned back, a small grin on her face as her eyes fell on the man that was halfway out in the hall. Upon spotting his damn hair and semi-bare chest, Jai looked Cassian up and down while he finished jerking the jacket over his shoulders; she quirked a brow slightly before looking back at his face while approaching.
"I thought you were gonna stand me up." She teased, making a joke out of the very real disappointment that she had been feeling earlier. As she paused in front of him, though, Jai noticed the conflict in Cassian's expression that had been there all night.
"… I thought about it." He admitted while looking into his room, silently leading Jai back inside. Just like before, she looked around the space, noticing this time though that there was a trail of discarded clothes leading towards the refresher. Her eyes turned back up toward Cassian, who stood between his bed and his closet, his head turned in consideration, as if deciding whether to face her or turn away, whether to remain on his feet or sit down. Despite the man giving no real clues, Jai knew there was something off about Cassian tonight, she just couldn't put her finger on why that was.
The two were quiet for a nearly uncomfortable length of time, Cassian's back still turned to her as they both stood dumbly in the middle of the room. So, Jai thought, she had been right to come looking for him, though she felt bad for her immature worry over why he didn't show.
"So, I take it you don't want that drink tonight." Jai finally said in a somewhat serious tone, though the answer was already obvious. She moved to take a seat on the couch, eyes still watching Cassian attentively as he finally turned to face her. He didn't have to say anything, Jai saw in his expression the confirmation she needed - it wasn't a good night. He was no longer putting up the front he had on down in the hangar as the two stared at each other for another long beat, Cassian hoping that he simply looked tired rather than distraught. But the observant shine in Jai's eyes made it clear to Cassian that he had been figured out.
Jai bit the inside of her cheek, wondering what she should say next - she never was one for serious conversations, especially when she knew the topic was something unideal. She especially wasn't prepared to have one with Cassian, and she wondered why the hell the man let her into his room - he wasn't the type who'd want to share an upsetting conversation with just anyone. Should she just go and leave him be?
"What happened?" Jai heard herself ask without thinking, her brow furrowed in worry. Another long silence stretched out between them; Cassian stared into Jai's eyes for a moment, but eventually looked down at his bare feet, hands resting on his hips as he let out a small sigh.
"It's nothing." He said, his tone nearly convincing - it would have convinced someone else to drop the subject, but Jai could see that this wasn't nothing, and she was never one to immediately give up, especially not with Cassian. Jai nodded while looking away, though she didn't accept his answer. Her eyes fell on the trail of clothes again as she considered.
"Look, I'm shit at this, but… do you need to talk about it?" She turned her gaze back toward Cassian, who was motionless as his tired eyes continued to look at her with reservation. Cassian knew he needed to tell her. Sure, Jai would have heard about this eventually, he already knew the information would make its rounds tomorrow - she should just wait till then. But something about it still nagged at him, something that felt as if it were important for him to discuss it with her now before it was too late. He had to be the one to tell her. it wouldn't be right if she heard it from anyone else, but he didn't know how he'd do it.
Finally, he shook his head slowly, his jaw tight as practiced authority briefly lit his eyes, though it only lingered for a moment. Jai in return gave a disheartened nod, pushing herself back up to her feet as her eyes continued to search Cassian's doleful face, her own worry evident in her expression.
As she took one defeated step towards the door, though, Cassian found himself taking a step forward as well, causing Jai to pause and look back at him. For a moment, Cassian sucked in his lips as he studied the woman's expression. There was yet again another long silence between them as they stared into each other's eyes unblinking.
Finally, Cassian took a deep breath, his voice quiet, "It's Gar."
Immediately, Jai's eyes widened with worry, nearly gasping as she inhaled through her nose - once she started to realize how dire Cassian's mood was, she feared that this was something she wouldn't want to hear, and the dread of that suddenly weighed heavily in her stomach.
If Gar was… Jai didn't even want to think the word. If he was, then that would be the first Rebellion casualty that would leave a mark on her heart. Jai knew others had passed in her six months as a rebel technician, but none of them she knew - though Jai tried to be at the very least friendly with each person that crossed her path, she knew only a sliver of the people on Yavin 4.
She wasn't like Cassian - she didn't feel connected to every single person here, she didn't feel weighed down every time another rebel didn't return home, she didn't let those losses linger. So many had been lost and Jai simply accepted it while moving on, knowing it came with the territory and finding it hard to feel anything when she didn't even know the person.
But Gar? A man who had been a boss and a mentor to her, who had been nearly a brotherly figure as of recent? She almost didn't want to hear what Cassian would say next.
Jai didn't even feel her feet move beneath her as she closed the distance between her and Cassian, pausing only a few inches in front of him as her wide eyes stared up into his. Those dark eyes were practically begging him to not utter what she feared, begging him to say he was just pulling her leg. But Cassian's downcast expression didn't change as he stared back at her.
"We got separated," Cassian started, his voice a dismal monotone, "The Empire got to him and Halu before we could."
Jai's next breath came out shaky, her wide eyes dropping to stare at Cassian's chest, afraid to look into his eyes for fear of losing her composure. Her mouth hung open slightly as she tried to process the information, but she could feel herself trembling as the grief started to creep in. Her hands began to wring at her sides, eyes slowly beginning to water. But tears didn't fall as she tried to blink them away - no, even in her worst moments, Jai had always been good about holding them back, about reeling herself in before she became a complete mess. The last time she cried in front of anyone was the day Tillian died. And just like what happened that day, what happened to Gar was completely out of Jai's control, and that silent mantra is what kept her even slightly stable as she stood here now, even if she knew that stability was only temporary.
Jai found herself warily looking up into Cassian's face again, a part of her desperate to reach out to him, but she continued to stand there stiffly, feeling her body ache suddenly as if she'd just run a marathon, exhausted and ready to collapse.
Cassian, though still obviously feeling that deep disappointment, had had at least some time to accept what happened - the ship ride back to Yavin 4 gave him and his team some time to mourn. As a captain, he had to be the grounding strength for everyone else whenever missions went awry, and having to do that through the years helped him develop his own means of coping with distress. But staring down at Jai as she tried to process the information, dealing with the emotions of a loss one-on-one rather than with a team, threatened to turn his exhaustion back into grief.
Silently, Cassian reached out to set a light hand on Jai's wrist, his pinky barely resting in her palm, but his touch caused her to start in surprise and jerk back from him. Her eyes widened a little as she met his stare, taking in another deep, shuttered breath as she tried to calm herself, holding her arm in her other hand as if Cassian's delicate touch had burned her. Slowly, she turned away and dropped down to sit on Cassian's bed as if she couldn't hold herself up any longer, her shoulders sagging and her head hanging lowly to hide her face from Cassian.
Jai never liked to be touched when she was emotional, ever since she was a kid she shied from it - if someone ever tried to offer her comfort, it often opened up the floodgates, and the last thing she wanted was to be blubbering in anyone's arms. Before she could even think about letting someone comfort her or talk to her about what she was feeling, Jai first had to deal with the pain herself, and if that meant running from the comfort of others, then so be it. And despite that part of her that wanted to reach out, that wanted to cling to the person nearest to her, Jai couldn't bring herself to do it - being so raw and vulnerable in front of anyone else terrified her.
Cassian stared at Jai knowingly, studying her pained expression as he felt his own fatigue from the day rising up again. He hesitated to move, even if it was to walk to his couch or to the seat in his kitchen - he didn't want to startle Jai again. So, once more, he stood stock-still, watching and waiting patiently.
A few long minutes passed in thick silence before Jai suddenly stood and darted into Cassian's refresher with barely any time for him to process that she had jumped up. His concerned eyes lingered on the closed door briefly before he finally started moving again, his knees feeling stiff as he walked to his kitchenette for a glass of water. He sighed as he chugged it down, having not realized how dry his mouth was beginning to feel.
He couldn't have anticipated that he'd feel so awful having to tell Jai what happened - Cassian had dealt with loss through the years, and had dealt with telling others about loss more times than he could count. Though it never necessarily got any easier, Cassian had grown accustomed to being the bearer of bad news, to seeing his fellow rebels mourn. And yet, something about this last time hurt more than it should have, something in Jai's eyes stung unexpectedly when she pulled away from him.
Jai had done something to him, though Cassian couldn't quite say what that was. Some time between their last night alone together and this one, Cassian started to feel something unfamiliar for the woman, and that something made it so much harder to see her broken and despairing, retreating from his touch and hiding on the opposite side of the door from him. Cassian was surprised to find that he wished he could be right there by Jai's side and consoling her as she mourned.
Despite himself, Cassian hated that he had to tell Jai, though he also couldn't have allowed anyone else to tell her. It had to be him, that much he knew, but that only made it somehow hurt more when he watched her face crumble.
Cassian refilled his glass and shuffled back towards his bed, taking a long sip of water once he sat down. His eyes drifted back towards the refresher door as he set the cup aside, feeling a pull to rise back to his feet and check on Jai. But he knew better than to try - he had to leave her be. For all he cared, Jai could keep herself locked up in his refresher all damn night, and he still wouldn't disturb her.
Once Cassian had finished his second glass of water, he looked down at the jacket he had quickly thrown on when Jai knocked at his door, slowly pulling it off of himself and dropping it in the pile of dirty clothes he stripped off earlier, wanting to simply lie back, let out a deep sigh, and close his eyes for a while. But as his gaze lingered on the pile that sat just before the refresher door, he tiredly pushed himself to his feet, knowing he shouldn't leave it there for Jai to accidentally trip over on her way out. He quickly hid all his dirty clothes away and retrieved a fresh tank top, hearing the door open behind him just as he had pulled it over his head.
Cassian turned to look at Jai as he pulled the shirt down his torso, noticing immediately that she wasn't looking at his face but rather at his chest, even if for a split second. Though there were bags under her tired eyes, Jai looked a little more refreshed - he could tell she had been crying and that she tried to clean herself up to hide the evidence of it. Her face and hairline were damp from splashing water onto her skin, and her eyes even had a different quality to them now. Through their tiredness, her eyes looked a little brighter and clearer - maybe she was trying to shove away any pain she was feeling. But her energy, too, had shifted, and Cassian felt a little less rigid than before - he was reminded that this wasn't the first loss Jai had dealt with, and it looked as if she had found a way of coping with the pain life threw at her.
The two stared at one another once more, studying the other's expression thoughtfully. Jai gave Cassian a weak, cagey smile, one that made the sadness in her eyes a touch more obvious - he suspected the look was to reassure herself rather than him. She let out a slight sigh and finally stepped back into the room, slowly approaching Cassian, once more coming to a pause only about a foot in front of him. She looked down while licking her dry lips, her eyes darting back and forth as if she were searching for the words that clearly wanted to leave her mouth.
Her eyes finally met his again through her lashes, "… Thanks for telling me." Her voice was quiet, and Cassian's brows rose a little at the words, "I wouldn't want to hear it from anyone else."
Cassian felt an unexpected stutter in his chest before he spoke slowly, his tone as quiet as hers, "I wouldn't have wanted anyone else to tell you."
Jai gave a slight nod in understanding as she looked down again, her eyes falling onto one of Cassian's hands as his thumb slid across the pads of his fingers edgily. She reached out and grabbed his hand firmly, drawing Cassian's surprised eyes down to their point of contact as well. Neither of them moved for a few long moments until finally Cassian gave Jai's fingers a reassuring squeeze. A faint sad smile ghosted across her lips again as she looked back up at his face, studying his features fondly, and despite how emotional they both were, Cassian nonetheless felt a warmth stir in his chest thanks to the look Jai was giving him.
"Draven wants me to tell your department tomorrow." Cassian started as his eyes returned to linger on their joined hands, "Chase is going to take over as supervisor."
Jai nodded, pushing down the lump that dared to rise in her throat again, "Chase'll be great, Gar trained her well."
Cassian turned his warm eyes back up to Jai's face, surveying her expression carefully as he thought, "Do you want to take tomorrow off?"
"No," she gave him a quick, reassuring smile and a shake of her head, and Cassian wasn't sure if he was imagining it or if Jai did move a touch closer, "I'll be better if I keep busy. I don't need you treating me any different than the rest of the hangar techs."
Her words weren't accusatory but thankful and appreciative that Cassian even asked her the question - if Jai needed evidence that Cassian had any interest in her, that was it. Cassian showing that kind of care to her eliminated any doubt Jai had regarding their friendship.
Jai squeezed Cassian's hand before slowly pulling away, her fingers gliding across his almost as if she didn't want to let go. Cassian's fingers clenched slightly, finding that he suddenly missed her touch. Jai took a single step back, sighing as she looked around the room while in thought.
"I should go." Her tone nearly contradicted her words, as if she disdained to even say them. But she was drained from the news about Gar, and she was certain that Cassian was as well - they both could use some good rest. She took another couple of steps before turning on her heel, and once more Cassian found himself taking a step forward.
"You could stay." Jai's eyes turned back to meet his, a questioning look in them. Cassian's expression was softer than she'd ever seen it, "Maybe we could both use the company."
A contented smile spread across Jai's lips, a warmth rising in her chest that helped to ease some of the pain that had been weighing on her just minutes prior.
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Cassian awoke to the sound of blankets ruffling and Jai breathing unevenly. He wasn’t sure what time it was or what time the two had finally fallen asleep, but without checking the clock he was almost certain it was very early morning. Cassian had been a light sleeper almost his entire life, so although Jai’s movements probably would not have disturbed most people, she was just loud enough for his ears to prick up and notice.
Though the room was nearly pitch black, when he turned his head Cassian could tell Jai was still on the couch where he had left her, having not heard her rise from it. He insisted, once he started to see how tired Jai was, that she take his bed, but she just as adamantly argued that his cramped little couch would be fine, seeing as she was shorter so it would be less uncomfortable for her. Though Cassian tried to argue, he knew Jai wouldn’t budge, so at the very least he gave her his good blanket, hoping it would be some comfort to her.
For a minute, he simply lied still listening -- after Jai’s initial movement, which must have been her sitting up and rearranging, she hardly made a sound. If it weren’t for her uneven breathing, Cassian would have suspected that she had fallen back asleep; but those uneven breaths were shaky, as if the loss of Gar was coming right back up and threatening to wear so deeply at her mind that she couldn’t sleep again.
Cassian debated whether or not to say something, whether or not he should sit up and ask if she wanted to talk, wanted some kind of comfort. Maybe she had a nightmare that roused her, and maybe she’d simply want to be left alone; but maybe this time she’d want to talk to him.
As he heard Jai shift around again, as if fighting to find a comfortable position but to no avail, Cassian finally spoke up, his voice thick with sleep, “Jai.”
He heard the slightest of surprised noises escape her, and if he were looking Cassian was sure the startled look on Jai’s face might be mildly comical.
“I’m sorry,” Jai whispered, “I didn’t mean to wake you.”
Cassian propped himself onto his elbows to look in her direction, though because of the darkness he still could only just make out Jai’s silhouette, “I’m a light sleeper. You alright?”
“Fine…” Her tone wasn’t entirely convincing, but at least she didn’t sound as sad as Cassian feared she would -- she just sounded tired, “Just woke up suddenly. Must’ve been something in my dream, I guess.”
Cassian could see the way Jai slumped down a little, again making a feeble attempt at getting comfortable, “Or maybe your body’s protesting against the couch.”
Jai let out a huffed laugh, rolling her eyes, “My back does suddenly feel like it’s aged a couple of decades.”
Cassian sat upright, and he could feel Jai’s eyes trying to make out his silhouette in the darkness as well. As he grinned at Jai’s response, he stared in her general direction for a couple of moments, “Let’s trade.”
“You think your back will manage any better on this thing?” Her voice sounded humored by the suggestion, “Stay put, Andor.”
Cassian nearly laughed as he started to push himself out of the bed, retrieving his glass from the bedside table while shuffling towards the kitchen, which supplied the one small bit of light into the room from an emergency light that sat on the wall above the bar between the kitchen and the rest of the living space.
“I don’t think I’ll be falling asleep again too soon.” He said while refilling his cup. Turning back to the room, he could make Jai out a little better now that he was closer, and he held the glass in her direction, “Thirsty?”
Without answering, Jai lifted herself off the couch and padded over towards Cassian, circling the bar to retrieve the glass from his outstretched hand while leaning her hip against the counter. Cassian mirrored her position, though he rested some of his weight on his palm atop the bar as well as he stared into her face. Cassian could now make out her features just a little thanks to the faint light and their proximity to one another -- the outlines of her nose and lips, the slight glint of the light reflecting in her eyes. He looked down at her throat as he heard her swallow back nearly the entire glass of water.
Jai felt Cassian watching her far too closely, and yet she didn’t feel as uncomfortable under his gaze as she normally would have. As she set the cup carefully on the counter, she, too, stared up at him, trying to make out as much of his face as possible in the minimal lighting. Silence lingered between them as they stood there, neither having anything to say.
Though he could see her arm move from where it was crossed with the other, Cassian still jumped just slightly when he felt Jai’s hand slide over his, her thumb faintly rubbing circles on the outside of his wrist. He glanced down at their connected hands before finding the glint of her eyes again.
“Thank you, again, Cass.” Just like the first time, the gentle delivery of the unexpected nickname caused a shiver to work it’s way up Cassian’s spine. He hoped Jai didn’t notice.
“There’s nothing to thank me for.” He answered in a similarly quiet tone, tilting his head down slightly; he couldn’t help but feel guilty about what happened to Gar. The expert technician rarely went into the field anymore, but Cassian allowed him to go on this mission because the man showed interest. If Cassian had just told him no, Gar would still be here. Jai had no reason to thank him a second time, let alone the first time from earlier in the evening.
 All of Cassian’s attention briefly focused on where Jai’s thumb still brushed delicately against his skin -- how was it possible that the touch simultaneously calmed him and made his heart beat just a little louder in his ears?
Jai shrugged, attempting to speak jocularly, “You didn’t give me shit about crying in your ‘fresher and you let me stay here -- that’s worth some thanks.”
Cassian couldn’t help the small step forward he took, moving in even closer to Jai than he already was -- something about the dismissiveness of her earlier upset bothered him, “Your feelings are not a joke, Jai.”
 The seriousness of his tone took Jai by surprise, causing her to look up at him curiously, though Cassian couldn’t quite make out the expression in the darkness. He could tell her eyes were burning into him, and he stared right back with just as much weight. He found his mind focusing back on her hand atop his -- Jai’s thumb had already stopped moving, but it felt as if her grip tightened just slightly. In that same moment, Cassian became acutely aware of how close he had moved to her, how he felt an almost static energy bouncing between them. Without her saying so, Cassian knew Jai felt it as well. 
Jai lightly exhaled through her nose, her next words taking Cassian by surprise, “If someone asked me six months ago if I’d ever care about you, Cassian, I would have laughed in their face.”
Jai could see the faint light bounce off of Cassian’s teeth as he smiled unexpectedly at the remark, causing a grin to pull across her own lips. Cassian considered her for just a moment with fondness, “If someone had asked me, I would have done the same thing.”
The admissions caused them both to laugh smally, but it also felt like another spark of static surged between them. They stared at each other for another brief beat before Jai dropped her gaze to the darkness between them, feeling her heart beating far too heavily against her chest. Little did she know that Cassian’s heart was pounding just as quickly.
Did he understand the full weight of the meaning in her confession? Did she? Jai was surprised by her own admission, by the way her heart drummed in her ears, by this sudden need to lean into the man before her. The pull she felt towards Cassian seemed so much more palpable then it had been before, as if she could no longer keep it at bay; Jai knew she was doomed to succumb to that unfamiliar fluttery sensation in her stomach.
She called on her courage that felt as if it were trying to evade her, her voice coming out quieter and even hesitant as she looked up through her lashes, though thanks to the dark Cassian didn’t notice, “… I probably care about you more than I should.”
A weight felt as if it dropped in Cassian’s stomach, the confession seeming to echo between his ears as his heart drummed off-rhythm against his rib cage. His eyes widened in surprise and he stared intensely and unblinkingly at Jai, feeling his free hand twitch with some unfamiliar need to reach towards her, as if he still had to search for something to clarify what her words meant.
He realized then exactly what it was that had been building up inside of him, what these nerves were that only seemed to pop up when Jai was around. Cassian had had an understanding of what he was beginning to feel towards Jai, but in the past he was able to suppress it and shove it aside, to pretend it was unimportant, that it would pass. With the woman in question standing here mere inches before him, owning up to her own feelings, his weren’t quite as easy to ignore.
Cassian dipped his head, hoping it would draw Jai to look back up towards him as he leaned a little closer in search of her gaze. He understood exactly what Jai had meant, and yet he wanted to ask her, to hear the explanation exactly as she meant it to be understood. He wanted to hear it straight from her lips.
Jai continued to stare up at Cassian through her lashes, her stomach knotting when he moved in closer to her. If either of them moved any further, she would be leaning into him, her forehead pressed to his cheek, losing all traces of distance between their bodies. Despite trying to keep herself together, Jai’s breath came out in a waver that she tried to control, and she knew there was no way Cassian could have missed it.
In a brief moment of confidence, Jai slid her hand from it’s spot atop Cassian’s, fingertips slowly gliding over his forearm and securing a grip on his bicep. In the same second that she gave his upper arm a slight squeeze, as if to assure herself that he was really right there in front of her and that this conversation was really happening, Cassian’s hand steadily reached up and found a secure hold at the nape of her neck, his fingers twisting delicately in her dark locks and pulling her head back. For a beat, they breathed in unison, a shared look of yearning in their eyes as Cassian briefly pressed his forehead to Jai’s, giving them both one last moment to consider what was about to happen.
And then their lips met frantically, noses bumping and teeth nearly clashing together, neither certain who moved first as their need for one another took charge. Cassian’s lips were rough against her own, but the sharp taste of him drew a sigh from Jai’s throat, her free hand moving to grip the front of his t-shirt, pulling herself even closer as if he was her oxygen supply. Cassian’s tongue licked across her lower lip in a frenzied response, the heat of her body seeming to engulf him as she drew him nearer, her other hand jumping up to securely rest against his cheek.
Cassian’s arm wrapped around Jai’s narrow waist desperately, his palm pressing her flush against him while the fingers in her hair tightening their grip, twisting a little. An eager sound rumbled in his chest as he slipped his tongue between her lips, tangling with her own heatedly, feeling Jai grab at him with urgency, the scratch of her nails along his torso stirring a second moan from his throat.
As their kiss grew deeper, each feeling drunk off of the other, Cassian pressed forward until he had Jai’s back pinned against the bar, his hands snaking down her body with groping fingers that needed to feel every inch of her, his lips not straying from hers for even a second. When he found a secure grip on her ass, Cassian swiftly lifted Jai up onto the counter, causing a slight moan to escape her as he pressed himself against the warmth between her legs.
Jai’s fingers threaded messily into Cassian’s hair, nails scratching against his scalp as he finally pulled his mouth from hers, Jai gasping for air as he hardly paused for breath before starting to leave open-mouthed kisses along her jaw and down her neck, his teeth scraping hungrily against warm skin. He bit down lightly on the side of Jai’s neck, causing her to gasp and arch her back, the press of her breasts against his chest encouraging Cassian to nibble at her skin again before sucking it between his lips to leave a faint bruise. Jai let out another clipped moan as Cassian’s wandering hands squeezed her ass and pressed her forward against him as he gave a firm roll of his hips. His own shuddered groan muffled against Jai’s collarbone, his breath fiery hot on her skin.
Cassian worked his way back up to Jai’s mouth, nipping at her skin before finally crashing onto Jai’s waiting lips again. One of his hands trailed up her side, giving extra care to press firmly against her breast before continuing up to settle against her cheek, desperate to somehow pull her closer than she already was. Cassian pressed forward hungrily as Jai slipped her slick tongue back into his mouth with a smile pulling at her lips, leaning back under him until she finally let her weight fall onto her elbow. Cassian braced himself on his forearm as he continued to urge Jai down onto her back, the two moaning in unison as he gave another slow roll of his hips against her. As Jai lay flat on the counter, Cassian’s hand pulled away from her cheek, the delicate trailing of his fingers causing a shiver to travel up Jai’s spine as his hand found its way to her own. Jai desperately deepened the kiss as they laced their fingers together, slowly moving their joined hands above Jai’s head.
Their hands bumped into something that they didn’t spare a second thought for until it suddenly crashed down onto the floor, causing Jai to jolt up with a gasp, bumping into Cassian’s forehead before he could pull back from her.
“Shit.” He hissed in surprise, the hand that had been laced with Jai’s now pressed to his forehead. He continued to linger over Jai, the both of them trying to collect themselves and catch their breath, the air red hot between them. They met eyes, their breath mingling, and gently Cassian lowered his forehead to rest against Jai’s delicately, his hand finding a new resting place at the base of her neck.
Despite herself, a pure laugh sprang out of Jai, her amused smile wide as she closed her eyes, nearly embarrassed, “We broke your glass.”
A beaming smile crossed Cassian’s lips as well as he laughed, his nose brushing against Jai’s as he answered breathily, his accent thicker, “Doesn’t matter.”
He leaned forward to brush his lips against Jai’s briefly, pulling back far enough to look into her eyes again, his chest still heaving against hers. Slowly, he pushed himself up, his hands finding a resting place atop Jai’s thighs, his thumbs rubbing slow circles into the fabric of the sweatpants he let her borrow. For a moment longer, Jai stayed on her back, her hands sliding their way up Cassian’s forearms, fingertips pressing firmly into his skin as an eased smile tugged at her lips.
“Come here.” Cassian’s gentle yet commanding tone caused Jai’s middle to tighten with need, just the timbre of his voice alone causing her to let out a yearning sigh. Her hands secured around Cassian’s biceps again and used him as leverage to pull herself up, bringing her nose within centimeters of his as she sat up.
Cassian sighed contentedly, his breath brushing against Jai’s skin as he thought for a few long moments; he couldn’t find the words for any of his thoughts, so instead he pressed his lips tenderly to hers, one of his hands rising to cup her cheek affectionately. Once more, they pressed their foreheads together, mindlessly grazing their fingers along one another’s skin as they tried to collect themselves.
The longer Jai sat here and considered her current position, the more unexpected yet warming it became -- here she was, wrapped around Cassian Andor and feeling so completely at peace enveloped in his touch. She had considered in the past what this would be like, to be close to him and out of breath, to feel his lips against hers, to feel a heat twisting in her abdomen, but those daydreams were nothing like the reality. She had thought they would always remain daydreams, thoughts that passed her by not to be taken too seriously. Getting close to Cassian like this didn’t seem possible, and yet somehow here she was, high on his touch, drunk on his passionate eyes. Cassian, the man who didn’t like to get too close to anyone, whose best friend was a droid, who six months ago had vowed to distrust her… and he was standing here between her legs, his hold on her possessive and in want of more.
She wouldn’t say lucky was the right word, but Jai certainly felt satisfied as she and Cassian remained wrapped around one another.
Cassian finally took a step back from her, his fingers gliding along the top of Jai’s thighs and making her shiver. Her eyes had to readjust to the lack of lighting in the room, but she was sure she could see Cassian grinning fondly at her response to his touch.
His hands found hers as he took another step back, whispering, “Come on,” as he helped Jai hop down from the counter, the broken glass that had fallen to the floor somewhere completely forgotten -- he didn’t care enough to deal with it right now, he’d come back to it in the morning.
Cassian’s fingers lazily tangled with one of Jai’s hands, his eyes straining to find the glass shards on the floor so that neither of them stepped on something sharp. He carefully led Jai out of the kitchen, pausing in his cramped living space with the bed just a step behind him to look back at Jai with a tired smirk. Despite how close they were earlier, she felt her cheeks heat up, feeling the power of his gaze though she could no longer see it in the near-darkness. Cassian lightly tugged on Jai’s hand until she stepped closer, and she could feel Cassian’s free hand just hovering over her face until finally he set it on the base of her neck.
Cassian’s past fears and concerns about Jai crossed his mind as he held her in a comfortable and intimate silence -- he recalled their evening of drinking, when she first managed to send some kind of electric spark through him, when she first made him question the feelings going on inside of him. He had been so afraid to consider them and acknowledge them, because he knew what they meant -- he wanted to get close to someone, get close to her, despite all of his precautions through the years to avoid ever wanting that.
He realized that night two months ago that Jai would be trouble for him, but a completely different kind of trouble than what he had originally projected when they met. She was persistent with him, familiar with him, always making efforts with him -- no one had ever shown that exact combination of traits to him before. Jai had been throwing him for a loop for months now, and somehow she managed to wiggle her way into his heart, somehow slipping past all the emotional safeguards he built up through the years.
Cassian used to be afraid of this feeling. In many ways he still was. And yet, once his lips were on Jai’s, that fear dissolved away, at least temporarily. He wanted -- needed -- to be close to her, yet something in him continued to fear what would happen if he got too close. It was a habit that held him back, the habit of keeping people at arm’s length. But Jai… as much as it scared him, Jai made him want to break the habit and start a new one.
If anyone asked Cassian prior to this evening if he found himself attracted to Jai Tillian, he would have fervently denied it to the point of suspicion.
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                                                  Care [kair]
                                                      noun
a cause or object of concern; serious attention
provision of what is needed for the well-being or protection of a person
                                                      verb
to be concerned; have thought or regard; to have a special preference
to wish; desire; like
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cosmosrival · 3 years
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HI UH,, just wanted to say you are a HUGE inspiration for me and i frickin love all of your analyses and art, it’s made my love for kama multiply by thousands and now i try to research so much about them ?? so THANK YOU I OWE SO MUCH
but i also wanted to ask have you ever thought abt what vasanta would be like in fgo? i’ve always hoped we’d get vasanta and rati so kama can have more happy relationships.... but ik rati’s been talked abt before
feel free to correct me if im wrong but from what ive been getting vasanta was made to be kama’s companion and friend ? fsr i just: thought vasanta could have a similar skill set to nobukatsu and just be MADE to support kama and their quick crit spam
but i was a bit curious for a second opinion and wondered if you ever thought similar, sorry if this is a bother just wanted to share this!! again i love ur work so plz keep it coming !! it always brightens my day :D
i need you to realize that this ask means the WORLD to me 
anon, u gave me so much inspiration back that ... i finally ended up finishing the kama(pre-death), rati and vasanta designs i’ve been thinking about for so long!!! and constantly revamping!!! i’ll post them then edit this post to link it to them <3
EDIT: RIGHT HERE YEAA
i’ve indeed thought about this, and it seems that other gacha games also had that idea before, (kama and vasanta are literal lesbians in age of ishtaria even though their designs arent rly good lol) and i was like BRO imagine if fgo eventually does give us a vasanta that’s sort of the same kind as nobukatsu...? rati might not be a possibility bc they wanna push the waifu agenda for cash but vasanta... :thinking:
vasanta is the concept of spring that follows kama around as his eternal companion and amongst the only people that will literally never betray kama EVER because he was made to be by his side, because thanks to the love that kama embodies, spring can come after winter and flowers can bloom. kama is his life.. ok in a sense it’s just as romantic as being married actually JDNSJJDS
gameplay wise i’ll be honest with u... I HAD NO IDEA because i believe that kama isn’t really lacking ! THEY’RE ALREADY SOOOO POWERFUL, they’re amongst the best three assassins in the entire game, that’s why i wondered what vasanta could add to their kit that they don’t already have... and then i was like... bro, its not about adding its about additional buffing. so i think. that vasanta being a quick caster that only gives additional quick card strength buffs to kama because they both share the “Embodiment of Spring” trait... would be sooo selfish but also, i think they GENUINELY deserve to be a little selfish at this point DJNADNJADNJANJSNDSJ
anyways i kept this ask in my box for a while bc i wanted to keep it with me and not post it JDNAJDNJSNJSDNJSNJS I’LL TAG IT LIKE A MADMAN SO ILL FIND IT BUT thank u so much anon i hope u have a great month and stay safe and happy bc this ask did just that for me
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ice-emperor-zane · 3 years
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*inhales* Yellow cyan violet black gray claret penny ash jade pecan wine cherry ginger rust honey frost coconut fulvous mauve erin
Sorry not sorry I’m a curious simp
Oki, wow, this is a lot, aight lets do this lmao :)
Yellow: Name of an artist you think is underappreciated
oh god idk, hmm, @bigeloo? Idk im in a ninjago discord with them and sometimes they send their art there and its really cool
Cyan: Are you Religious? Spiritual?
I was raised Catholic but im now Agnostic (meaning I don’t know if theres a God or any Gods and im not gonna pretend to know)
Violet: Are you a part of the Lgbt+ community?
Yup :) Im nonbinary, im asexual, and i might be panromantic, or demiromamtic, im not sure, still questioning on that part tbh
Black: Would you ever try going vegetarian or vegan?
Im currently vegetarian, tho I dont care if yall eat meat or whatever, im lucky to be in a situation where I can be vegetarian and I completely understand that some ppl can’t or just don’t want to, besides, theres way bigger problems on this earth right now than wether people eat meat or not. I doubt i’ll ever go vegan, because cheese and chocolate is very tasty, but maybe someday when the vegan substitutes for those things improve, then maybe I might :)
Gray: How many Languages Do you speak? Do you want to learn more?
Mostly English, and very minimal French and Spanish from school. I’ve tried to learn Japanese before too from like duolingo, so i know a little bit of that, and I made myself memorise how to say ‘sorry, I don’t speak much of [insert language], do you speak English?’ in a few languages for if I ever end up traveling there before learning to speak the language. But im only really like fluent in English lol
Claret: Do you play an instrument? do you want to learn to play any?
I did piano lessons for about a year until quarantine and I’ve learnt a few songs from those youtube tutorials, but other than that I dont know any. It would be cool to do singing lessons, because unfortunately I am a little bit of a theatre kid and would love to randomly start singing ‘Michael in the bathroom’ from Be More Chill
Penny: Icecream or cake?
Both are poggers, probably icecream, but oh my fsm, my Mom makes the best cakes ever, she could do it professionally, they are so nice, yall have no idea
Ash: Can you do your own makeup?
Yeah, i love doing makeup, i once tried to have a makeup instagram account, it didnt go too well (i quit after about a month) but i still love doing it as a hobby :) (im actually trying to do makeup less at the moment though, it was making me a little bit dysphoric, but as an occasional thing, like being a drag queen, its great!)
Jade: Ever written fanfiction?
Yeah, mostly just one shots and little drabbles though, and I haven’t in a while, might start doing stuff again soon, maybe, idk
Pecan: Shuffle your playlist, what’s the first song that comes up
It was this: https://youtu.be/DGTDcZxs0ww (“Sub Urban- Cradles (slowed)”)
Wine: do you have a ‘type’?
Kinda debatable,, most/all the people I’ve dated have had similar vibes, but wether I actually liked any of them is a different question 😳😳😳
Cherry: youtubers you enjoy watching
Maybe Jessie Paege? Or Pm Seymour? To be honest, most of my youtube recommendations are somehow tiktok compilations, because my tiktok fyp has always been really weird so instead of actually using tiktok on the app i use it via youtube
Ginger: any sideblogs?
yeah and im embarrassed of them, yall will never know 😳
wait theres one yall can know about, i have the url “Wohira” but I’ve never like posted anything there
Rust: form of art you enjoy doing?
As well as makeup which i mentioned before, theres also digital art, which i do the most often :)
Honey: your thoughts on magic? Does it exist?
I think it’d be very cool if it did, and i hope it does? Like ive never seen magic stuff ofc, and i have my doubts that its real, but it sounds fun so like idk, maybe it is? I’d like to believe it is?
Frost: a -core you enjoy
Looking at the aesthetics wiki, i think maybe mostly bloomcore?
Coconut: a subject you enjoy learning about
Psychology, its all really interesting and i wish they taught it at my school, because where I am you have to take it as an option that only starts in 11th grade (currently in 9th grade)
Fulvous: another name you think would suit you?
Buddy im still trying to find one, im currently going by Rae and that seems nice maybe? but oh my god ive used like 20 names before now and not a single one of them seemed right lmao
Mauve: any unpopular oppinions?
I probably have a few, but i can’t think of them off the top of my head, and im not really looking for discourse,, so,,, no?
Erin: What Was/Is your best school subject
Ive already answered this one, i’ll copy/paste it? Oki so
Maybe maths? Or art? Tho honestly, none of my grades are consistent and I can go from an A to an Ungraded and back again in a heartbeat 😎 (and not even an F, an ungraded, like they litterally cant grade it its so bad lmao 🤩✨) I think it depends more on what teacher i have for the lesson and how tired I am on the day of any tests more than subject itself? If that makes sense lol
And its done! Heck yeah! :)
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