when you don’t know who you are and you think you’re human and normal until you find out you’re not human, not normal, you’re something else entirely and whatever idea you had about yourself was fucking wrong and you can do weird unnatural things that scare you and aren’t fully controllable yet. and you just want to understand yourself and control yourself so you don’t hurt anyone and can still be the person you think you are instead whatever the truth holds for you.
and you try and use this weird new truth about yourself to try and do good and help the world you were born in and come to love so much and you’re like a hero you wanna be a hero. but the world doesn’t love you back or see you as a hero, it hates you. it doesn’t believe you’re a hero. it doesn’t know what you are , it doesn’t know why you’re here , it demands that you answer the same questions you’ve had your whole life
and instead of finding the answer you find something else . You find a way to do good and be loved and accepted and feel normal despite yourself and you think you’ve found a foothold you think you’ve found understanding at long last . You think you belong snd you think This Is Who You Are until it’s ripped the fuck away from you when finally you learn the truth you’ve been fearing yet searching so hard for. you finally have answers to the lifelong questions of who are you what are you really where do you come from and boom. You’re not a hero . You’re the very threat and danger that the world kept saying you were, kept hurting you because they thought you were.
Every single weird thing you can do has a purpose to destroy and kill and you are born to be a weapon and you can never love anything. Or be loved in return because what you are is a weapon a monster a freak a thing that should not be a thing that will never belong and is fundamentally unlovable . And you’re sorry that’s what you are. You’re so sorry that’s what you are and you hate that it’s the truth and you wish you could go back to not knowing anything at all and you wish you could stop being this fucking Thing but you can’t because it’s in your fucking blood and your DNA and your double helixes and your flesh and nerves and everything.
Your entire body and being and existence and core is made for something horrible and evil and you hate it but you can’t do anything about it except say you’re sorry and offer yourself to the gun or the altar because you still. At the point where you’ve relegated yourself to only being this thing, you still don’t want to, . The last good thing you can do at this point is let yourself die and spare the world from your own inescapable inherent biological ruinousness.
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Godstiel 2.0
This part of Moriah was not mentioned enough.
DEAN: All right. So, I guess we got to find Jack.
SAM: Yeah. Then what?
DEAN: ...Maybe we call Rowena, see if she can put together one of those, um, "soul bombs."
They were going to basically use the nuclear bomb to kill Jack.
In my AU: They went ahead with the plan. Cas caught wind of the plan and desperately searched for ways to protect Jack. He found only one. Just as they detonated the bomb, Cas used his S6e22 spell to absorb all the souls into him.
Except these are not monster/leviathan souls, they are decent human souls who didn't want to be obliterated by the Winchesters as a weapon against a child (we saw from 8x02 that Dean was perfectly willing to sacrifice more than a million souls from heaven to win the demon tablet in an auction). The souls were grateful to Castiel for sheltering them, and they were sympathetic to Castiel having witnessed his mind and his feelings. They willingly powered Castiel and supported him (see my hc about endosymbiosis).
A stable and immensely powerful Godstiel 2.0 now was able to see his and Jack's painful past for what it really was.
I won't write this fic because I don't know what happens next. It would be up to Godstiel 2.0. How would he help Jack recover and heal and thrive? What would he do to the Winchesters? I don't have what it takes to do justice to these tasks, but Godstiel does.
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In a way, the events of 12x19 The Future kinda happened, just not for Cas.
(This is so awful, I’m sorry. ) He saw the future through Jack’s eyes, but Cas interpreted it through his own psyche, needs, motivations, and imagery:
From above (12x19):
Kelly, standing on a BEACH— in the surf— looking out at the ocean.
Sam, racing across an OPEN FIELD. Chasing something.
Dean, in tight closeup. A look of relief— of happiness on his face.
DEAN: Cas— thank you.
Castiel. Shirtless. Standing against a wall, as his WINGS FLARE. But they’re not broken anymore. They’re full and majestic.
These images are script only, but they're a fascinating window into Cas's mindset.
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Full wings:
Jack did get his wings back, full-glory, when he ate Michael in 14x14 Ouroboros.
From above (14x14):
Jack drops his arms, opens his mouth, and inhales the grace! All that’s left of Michael. He consumes it. As Jack closes his mouth and swallows, everything goes quiet. Jack’s eyes return the normal, and Michael is finally dead.
DEAN: Jack—
JACK: Michael… he’s dead. (he turns to our guys, calm and emotionless) I’m me again.
Suddenly, he bursts in a golden, fiery glow. His eyes flare hold, and his wings flare behind him. Jack has his powers back.
The shirtless majesty in the 12x19 vision was just Cas’s perspective/reinterpretation, superimposing a psychosexual component on top of the vision— his need to be strong and protect his human family.
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Thank you (script only):
And Dean did say, with relief, “Jack…Thank you,” in 14x17 Game Night.
From above (14x17):
On Dean. Knows how much he owes this kid, he got there in the nick of time.
DEAN: Jack, I— thank you.
Jack smiles, so happy to be needed, so loved.
Again, Cas’s 12x19 vision tightened that image into an intimate, close-up, because it’s filtered through his desire for Dean to be relieved and safe. (Remember, in 12x19, Cas comments that he didn’t mean to ignite “Dean’s distress.”) That’s why this vignette directly triggered the shirtless Cas/protector-driven imagery in the script. They’re one after another-> Kelly at peace -> Sam (supposedly) running free -> Dean intimately relieved & thankful -> Cas majestic, healed, and strong. Seeing Dean like that made Cas feel like that.
///
Open field:
Sam did run through a small field, when rushing to stop the Equalizer confrontation in 14x20 Moriah.
From above (14x20):
EXT. ROAD - DAY
The road outside the cemetery. A car rips up—
And Sam bursts out— racing for— (Through what looks like an open field, Sam enters the cemetery)
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Beach:
As for Kelly and the beach, this is a loose allusion to Jack’s place of birth: Washaway Beach in North Cove, Washington.
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The future vision was a tragedy. Perhaps, Jack wasn’t making promises at all.
Perhaps, it was merely Jack’s power surging, tapping into the potential of the cosmos, and Cas saw what he wanted to see because he has trouble facing his own desires.
That’s the problem with seeing the future, Missouri Moseley might say, even when you see it, it’s hard to interpret, and it can be out of order and wrong and misleading in so many heartbreaking ways. You might not even be getting your own perspective.
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(Text Attributions// Supernatural scripts here via @spnscripthunt. Transcripts are located here via SPNWiki. Visit their Tumblr to donate.)
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