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aftgficrec · 3 days

Note

oh i caught you open! can we get some either andrew & kevin or neil & kevin being best friends and supporting each other? i feel like they're not explored enough and the potential is right there :)

Luckily, Kevin and Andrew’ friendship is a topic the fandom is pretty interested in. So much so that we’ve split this ask. In this post we’re concentrating entirely on Andrew and Kevin, Neil & Kevin’s friendship will be addressed in another ask. - S

Some previous recs:

Andrew & Kevin’s friendship here

Kevin & Andrew’s relationship here

Kevin as Andrew’s best friend here

Kevin’s friendship with Andreil here

‘Where The Wild Things Are’ here

‘I know that you'll come if you want’ here

‘N for nebulous’, ‘And Then There Was One’ and ‘Wear it to Eden's’ here

‘Reckless’ here

‘Trust Me’ here

‘Searchlights’ here

‘fugue in red’ here

splinters beneath our nails by mostly_maudlin [Rated T, 3719 words, complete, 2023]

Andrew hasn’t decided what to do about Kevin Day. A few days ago, he’d have said that Kevin was dead to him. If things had gone differently, that might still be true. Today, he walks up to the car and throws open the door.

Not again by LetThemCuddle [Rated G, 698 words, complete, 2023]

Andrew circled the stony striker when silence answered him. “Hello? Anybody home? The answer is yes, a lot of nobodies, just one is missing. I’ll give you three guesses.” “Pass.” “Never took you for a quitter. This is quite refreshing.” The goalie quipped, lighting a smoke. “Come on, the cars’ still running.” “I’m going to stay here.” Kevin’s quiet voice echoed through the abandoned stadium. Somber, lacking the usual spiteful energy he towed.

right on time by dayurno [Not Rated, 10915 words, complete, Aftg Mixtape Exchange 2023]

"Has your Butcher called back yet?" Oh. “No,” Kevin replies, frowning slightly. “It’s understandable. He is a busy man.” “Kevin Day making excuses,” pulling away, Andrew puts down, “at this rate, you might just write his name on the margins of your books with hearts around it.” “What? No, why would I do that?” “Why wouldn’t you?” Kevin gives him a perplexed look. “Andrew, do you think I like the Butcher of Baltimore?” Alternatively, when the Butcher of Baltimore issues an order for his subordinates to bring him his childhood idol, he forgets what his choice of career entails. Kevin would hold it against him if he didn't find the man so fascinating.

tw: (accidental) kidnapping

Rescue Me by Demiwitchwoodwalker [Rated T, 4564 words, complete, 2022]

“I can protect you, from him and yourself,” Andrew said in a tone Kevin couldn’t quite place after a long moment filled with nothing but the muffled noise of the game playing on Kevin’s laptop. “I can help you stay instead of running further or back.” Kevin stared at him then, finally letting himself actually look at him, and the same feeling from before returned, feeling like a hand clenched itself around his lungs and heart. He pushed his laptop closed, the game’s audio abruptly cutting off, and turned slightly to face Andrew, whose expression had shifted back into the grin that seemed to constantly be present in the day and whose eyes looked almost dead. Kevin’s lips parted, words rising in the back of his throat, but he couldn’t get them past his tongue. How was he supposed to do this? The memory of Andrew the night before floated through his mind again, when he was as close to sober as he could get, more vulnerable than Kevin felt he’d ever seen a person despite the fact that Kevin was the one halfway through a breakdown. "Why?" --- Aka, how Kevin and Andrew make their deal. (Potential triggers are listed in the tags, please be careful!)

tw: self harm, tw: panic attacks, tw: implied/referenced suicidal thoughts

The Tide by zoeellendraws [Rated G, 20473 words, complete, 2022]

Kevin and Andrew participate in a showcase that could make or break their ballet careers and discover a promising new talent in the process. Or Mysterious Ballet AU

tw: implied/referenced violence

I came for the safety (stayed 'cause you made me feel) by Charcoalll [Rated M, 4621 words, complete, 2021]

“Day? We’re gonna get you out of here okay? Minyard’s gonna make sure you get out of here and down to the bus” Kevin looked over Wymack’s shoulder where he could see the figure of the small blonde man. Kevin nodded, how could he do anything but nod? These people were sticking out their neck for him in a way he couldn’t remember anyone doing before. No words could ever describe his thankfulness. Or: A little glimpse into Andrew and Kevin's relationship before, during and after AftG.

tw: implied/referenced abuse, tw: implied/referenced rape/noncon, tw: implied/referenced alcohol abuse

biting down by vincevangothh [Rated T, 2257 words, complete, Aftg Exchange 2017]

kevin learns that in order to understand something, you have to allow yourself to learn, and talks to andrew about neil. '“Did I or did I not tell you that you have asked as many free questions as you are permitted to today?” This time, as Andrew snaps, Kevin hears it. “Free?” he asks around a mouthful of rice, swallowing hastily before he continues. “So if I give you something, I can ask more?” It's a rhetorical question, but Andrew grants him a small nod anyway. “Neil and I have - had - a thing.” Kevin agonisingly anticipates his next words as Andrew scoops up another mouthful of food. Static silence stretches out between them until he swallows again. “Truth for truth. For everything you ask me, I ask you something.” “Deal.”'

Reasons by orphan_account [Rated T, 1895 words, complete, 2016]

“You took me with you when you recruited him,” Andrew muttered, but he knew Kevin was listening. They both knew that it was the closest Andrew could get to a thank you, so they both kept quiet. A list of the times Andrew met Kevin, interwoven with the list of times Andrew met Neil.

Kevin, Andrew and their friendship by @andrews-jort-loving-pipe-dream [tumblr, 2023]

“Why are we here?” “I'm here because it's Josten's birthday next week. You're here because you can't be alone.”

Andrew and Kevin watching a movie together after one of them wakes up from a nightmare. by @foxesbettingpool [tumblr, 2018]

He’d been up the majority of the night, wasting away on a bean bag chair with textbooks, papers, and a mountain of notes surrounding him.

tw: nightmares

Future Andrew & Kevin hc by @thepalmtoptiger [tumblr, 2018]

Andrew and Kevin stay close friends after leaving the Foxes and going pro.

Kevin asks Andrew to be his best man hc by @palmettofoxden [tumblr, 2017]

Kevin asks Andrew to be his best man at his wedding and Andrew just stands up and walks out of the room without answering or even reacting.

Art

andrew & kevin brotp edit by @mint-and-memories

Andrew and Kevin meme art by @foxhole-doodles

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xt0t4llys4n300x · 25 days

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Me semi enjoying my day: :)

The random gut wrenching, nausea inducing, head swirling memory I swore to lock away forever popping into my head

#trauma #trauma survivor #emo #2000s emo #emo scene #emo kid #childhood trauma #scene emo #emo boy #sa survivor #neglect survivor #dissociative amnesia #dissociation #bpd vent #foster care #abuse survivor #paranoia #delusional disorder

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snowe-zolynn-rogers · 1 month

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So I finally made a slightly comprehendible list of my most common Lord OCs. Here's my powerful babies.

Lord Selene (Lord Moon. Companion is Luna, his Lunar.) Loves candy and is very socially anxious because his star wiped half his personality and most of his memories in the wipe.

Lord Hypernova (Lord Kill Code. Companion is Void, his Moon.) 30' tall megalith of an animatronic. Is a safe haven for dimension travelers and has a soft spot for versions of his children from other dimensions.

Lord Pulsar (Lord Eclipse. Companions are his Sun, Dawn, and an Eclipse from another world, Magnetar.) Age regresses, becoming quite kind due to Magnetar's influence. Loves cotton candy.

Lord Artemis (Lord Blood Moon. Companion is Telesto, his Moon.) Very kind, very depressed. Still traumatized and depressed from his twin dying in the star going off. Loves all travelers, though his universe is not particularly safe for them at most times with random spatial jolts.

Lord Styx (Lord Harvest Moon. Companion is Nyx, his Eclipse.) A mean son of a bitch at first. Gets better once he realizes Nyx has no memory. He's very sassy and snarky but kind to those who he was close to before the star went off (Lunars and Blood Moons).

Lord Luminous (Lord Lunar. Companions are all of his family; Incandescent [Sun], Phosphorescent [Moon], Fluorescent [Eclipse], Iridescent [Blood Moon], Opalescent [Harvest Moon], and Pearlescent [Kill Code].) An abusive asshole at first but, once confronted with his abuse of his companions, Luminous becomes much kinder and willing to cooperate and try to undo the century of abuse he put them through. Loves spicy food, does the one chip challenge like they're doritos.

Lord Fractal [yep I made a new one again] (Lord Solar. Companion is no-one.) Lord Fractal took in Lunar's star power in a desperate attempt to save Lunar from judgment by the Astral Bodies, which caused the powers to go haywire and wipe the universe. Lord Fractal existed in a small corner of his universe for fifty-three years in a 'paradise' where his family was no longer dead, though it was only an illusion. After those fifty-three years, he realized he was in an illusion of his own making and used his star powers to create a world for him to live on rather than floating in space (though he can't figure out how to recreate his family). Fractal is a very lonely soul simply going through the motions of his old life with his star powers giving him whispers of the life he used to have and illusions of the family he lost when his star power went haywire.

Lord Albedo [yes, yet another one] (Lord Ruin. Companion is his, Astronomy, his Solar.) Albedo became a Lord entirely by accident. When Lunar killed Eclipse 3.0, Ruin was much too close and ended up taking in some of Lunar's star power, thus leading the Astral Bodies to attempt to eliminate Albedo as a potential threat. However, the elimination went wrong, very wrong. When the Astral Bodies attempted to kill Albedo, the star power that Albedo had absorbed continued to absorb the Astral bodies' powers as well until all beings with star power ceased to exist. Because of this attempt on his life, Lord Albedo had a mental breakdown, which unleashed the star power he had absorbed into a destructive wave that wiped the universe of all but Astronomy, who was attempting to calm Albedo down at the time. Albedo has regular panic attacks, which Astronomy usually helps calm him down from. He's very anxious and traumatized, but Astronomy acts as his bodyguard and best friend to help Albedo feel safer and less stressed, since too much stress could potentially cause another wipe of the universe.

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sollody · 5 months

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If this all of this happened ...

... why doesn't Will remember?

---------------

What are your thoughts on this?

#will byers #stranger things #cw trauma #cw dissociation #cw amnesia #cw abuse #st5 predictions #stranger things theory #byler

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promptful · 1 year

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Hurt no comfort 👀??

Hurt No Comfort Dialogue

yikers there's a lot of warnings. heed them. do not add. you are responsible for the media you consume.

WARNINGS: Forced imprisonment. Cheating. Amnesia. Implied murder. Death. Possible implied toxic relationship. Injuries. Breaking up. Cigarettes. Self-destructive tendencies. Alcoholism. Wowie.

1) “I trusted you.”

2)“I’m sorry… who are you?”

3) “Were we friends?”

4)“Do you even love me?”

5) “What are we now?”

6) “Damn you.”

7) “No feelings involved.”

8) “I never loved you, anyway.”

9) “You’re nothing but a deceitful bastard!”

10) “I don’t know you.”

11) “Erase me from your memory.”

12) “Understand that I don’t care to know you.”

13) “Trust you? Hilarious. Tell another joke.”

14) “Step away from them!”

15) “I loved you.”

16) “You broke my heart.”

17) “Really? You’re cheating on me?”

18) “You liar.”

19) “Give one damn reason to not walk out that door!”

20) “I’m broken. And I don’t intend on being fixed.”

21) “Naïve little thing, aren’t you?”

22) “I thought you loved me.”

23) “If I have to pick me or you, I’m picking you.”

24) “Take this and run.”

25) “Forget about me. It’s for the best.”

26) “They want us to separate. I’m sorry.”

27) “We’re terrible together.”

28) “I thought that I could learn to love you.”

29) “Did our love mean anything?”

30) “I just want what’s best for you.”

31) “Liar. Don’t even try.”

32) “I know I won’t make it.”

33) “Tonight is the last one.”

34) “Pretend for one minute that we’re in love, and then kiss me. One last time.”

35) “I’m keeping you safe.”

36) “You’re hurting me.”

37) “This is killing me.”

38) “This is safe?”

39) “Feelings make things complicated.”

40) “They’re dead.”

41) “I can’t find them.”

42) “What did you do with them?”

43) “You’re shaking.”

44) “I can’t breathe.”

45) “This isn’t home anymore.”

46) “I’m running away.”

47) “I can’t take this.”

48) “Don’t… don’t leave me.”

49) “I can’t lose you too.”

50) “Everyone is hurting me. Can’t you see?”

51) “I’d burn the world for you.”

52) “You never cared about me.”

53) “Promise me this.”

54) “I can’t stand how you’re fighting this alone.”

55) “Why didn’t you tell me?”

56) “Were you going to keep this a secret the whole time?”

57) “I thought we didn’t keep secrets.”

58) “I’m feeling a lot less like your spouse, and more of a convenient thing.”

59) “Look at me, tell me that you love me.”

60) “There’s only so much I can take.”

61) “You’re leaving, again.”

62) “I’m not who you think I am.”

63) “You can’t fix me.”

64) “I can’t pretend that things are okay anymore.”

65)“Leave.”

66) “Don’t come back here again.”

67) “I’m changing my locks.”

68) “Give me my things, and then I’m gone.”

69) “You’ve changed.”

70) “I don’t like who you’ve become.”

71) “Stop believing in them.”

72) “Do you really think that I don’t know?”

73) “This marriage is pointless.”

74) “I want a divorce.”

75) “I hate you.”

76) “You’re nothing to me.”

77) “I’m going to sleep on the couch.”

78) “We need a break.”

79) “Don’t come looking for me.”

80) “You need to get yourself together, or there’s no more us.”

81) “It takes two to make a marriage work, you know.”

82) “I don’t want to talk to you.”

83) “Leave me alone.”

84) “Papers are on the table.”

85) “Give me your ring.”

86) “I just want to go home.”

87) “You’re scaring me.”

88) “Don’t go to bed angry.”

89) “Are you hurt?”

90) “Is that blood?”

91) “What happened to you?”

92) “Who hurt you?”

93) “You’re limping.”

94) “Sit down. Now.”

95) “Why aren’t you sleeping anymore?”

96) “Where do you go during the night?”

97) “Do you think I don’t feel you slipping out of bed?”

98) “Show me.”

99) “I refuse to just sit back and watch you be hurt!”

100) “You’re killing yourself little by little.”

101) “Put down the bottle.”

102) “Don’t light that cigarette.”

103) “We’re breaking up.”

104) “You hurt them. Why?”

105) “They did nothing to you!”

#prompt list #angst #hurt no comfort #dialogue prompt #dialogue prompts #dialogue inspo #creative wriitng #writblr #tw: amnesia #tw: alcoholism #tw: cigarettes #tw: death #tw: abusive relationships #tw: abuse #tw: imprisonment #tw: cheating #tw: injuries #tw: infidelity #p.

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bmblboop · 2 years

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Knowing that Raine never forgot what happened, we really should give Raine more credit for not drop kicking Kikimora when given the chance

#that's self restraint right there #toh memes #toh spoilers #raine whispers #kikimora #midnight thoughts #follies is such a fun rewatch now #raine be like: intense eye contact makes me uncomfortable so I am 100% gonna abuse my amnesia to do it to you #yes I know Raine would never do that and blow their cover but also the opportunity was right there - she didn't know they were even there

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lifexxxdeath · 5 months

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One of the biggest patterns in our lives is being shut down and "punished" when bringing up something that hurt us or expressing our emotions. It's something we see quite frequently, whether it be the silent treatment, being belittled or invalidated, or even just something simple like just genuinely upset it was brought up. We understand its human to get upset when confronted or to be told you're hurting somebody, etc and get defensive.. but there is a line.

These kinds of things really hurt us as an entire system because it just reinforces the idea that we are not allowed to have any emotions and that we do not matter. The instant reaction is to emotionally shut off and to not ever open up and bring anything up ever again because it hurts those around us or may hurt us in the long run. This is something we have always had to unlearn because every time it happens, it's reinforced even stronger than before.

This was one of the biggest things used against us as a child by multiple of our abusers that conditioned us to stay quiet about our abuse and ensured their safety and prevented their guilt as abusers. These triggers will never go away, unfortunately. But all we can do is always be willing to unlearn our reactions and stay open with ourselves. Everyday is a struggle for us, and I wish more people understood that DID is more than just alters and we deal with agonizing flashbacks and frequently live in the world in which we were abused. Everyday.

#tw abuse #tw emotional abuse #tw conditioning #tw triggers #tw rant #dissociative identities #dissociative episode #dissociative amnesia #actually dissociative #actuallytraumatized #actually multiple #dissociative identity disorder #traumagenic did #actually traumagenic #tw trauma #endos do not interact #endos dni

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and-stir-the-stars · 8 months

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Words Fail.

Summary: Michael asks two things of Evan: 1) Do Not Ask Questions. 2) Do Not Dig Up the Past. Evan fails. There are consequences. There are always consequences.

Word count: 4,974 Au: Grab&Go (brief description of the au here) Tw: blood, yelling, emotional manipulation, child abuse Age references: Evan-14. Mike- 29.

...

Evan’s problems had started with a carton of strawberry ice cream.

The fourteen-year-old hadn’t been sent to the store for any ice cream; only to pick up some eggs, since he and Mike had run out.

He didn’t know why he had picked up the strawberry ice cream upon seeing it, but… there had been just enough money for it left over after buying the eggs.

After running home to their dim, grimy apartment as fast as his legs could carry him so the ice cream wouldn’t melt, Evan presented the surprise present to Mike with a big, toothy smile.

It was Mike’s favorite flavor, after all.

Except, Michael had frozen in place as the words ‘your favorite’ passed Evan’s lips while he held out the strawberry ice cream.

For several frightening moments, Mike had stayed like that. Frozen-- locked up as though his mind were stuck elsewhere in a dream-- no matter how many times Evan called his name or waved his hand in front of Mike’s face.

Evan had almost run to a neighbor for help, except Mike came back to life as quickly as his caregiver had disappeared.

Half-melted strawberry ice cream splattered across the tile floor as Evan lifted his stinging hands up to his chest and curled into a protective hunch. Evan had blinked up at Mike, unable to register that his carer had slapped his hands and knocked the ice cream away even as Mike screamed at him to never buy that ice cream again.

The teen had tried to talk–- to protest, to apologize, something-– but Mike had snatched the grocery bag of eggs from Evan and slammed it onto the counter, breaking nearly all the eggs inside the carton, and screamed at Evan to go to his room and stay there.

Strawberry ice cream must not have been Michael’s favorite after all.

But as Evan had curled up on the bed with his head buried in a pillow to muffle his frightened sobs at Mike’s outburst… well, it was odd, but… Evan could have sworn he could remember a gleaming silver spoon with smooth pink cream and strawberry chunks being lifted to a familiar pair of thin lips; he thought he remembered the sweet scent of strawberries paired with a long, hooked nose just like Mike’s scrunching in a smile wide enough to put wrinkles on the corners of silvery blue eyes…

Maybe Evan was misremembering. He must have been. Michael’s eyes had always been dark blue, not silvery pale.

And Michael hated strawberry ice cream.

Unfortunately, things were still tense between them, even though it had been a couple of days since the ice cream incident.

Michael’s eyes would narrow whenever Evan walked into a room. Ev could feel Mike’s gaze drilling into the back of his skull and making his hairs stand on end when the elder thought Evan wouldn’t notice the staring. Mike wasn’t making jokes anymore. His voice when he did speak was sharp and short, and he rarely spoke more than a mumbled word or two.

It was obvious that Mike was still mad at him, so Evan did his best to stay out of Mike’s way. He tread carefully through the house for days, rarely leaving his room except to tiptoe around to do some cleaning, doing both his normal chores and some extra things so that Mike would have less to worry about around the house. Mike was always so tired after work.

Evan had thought he was doing a good job. Until Michael snapped again.

Just like last time, Evan wasn’t entirely certain of what he had done to upset Mike.

continue on ao3

tagging people who might enjoy this: @justalittleegg @serenefig @crumbleclub @cloudwhisper23 @catwithacupofcoffee

#evan afton #michael afton #the afton kids #fnaf au #fnaf time travel #amnesia #repressed memories #tw child abuse #tw blood #fnaf fic #kats scribbles #fnaf #the afton family

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theapollosystem · 13 days

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we never got help until we were an active suicide risk and even after that nobody believed us about our mothers abuse

so many people fall through the cracks like me

i was a problem child when in reality i was just being abused

nobody did anything

nobody tried to help us

nobody noticed

abusers can often hide their abuse well only showing their abusive side behind closed doors but there has to be a way for kids not to fall through the cracks

we as humans need to approve so kids end up hurt

nobody deserves to feel like i did

#did system #did community #dissociative identity disorder #did alter #dissociation #osddid #dissociative identities #dissociative amnesia #traumagenic system #trauma #cw abuse #abuse survivor

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cosmic-d1ce · 10 months

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Phil only expected to be on the island for a two weeks, maybe three weeks if something bad happened. He had three weeks worth of his needed medication ready.

He expected a tropical retreat, to have somewhere that wasn't nearly fully rural say for an abandoned train station.

That was quickly shut down as two weeks became three, became four, became around two months now. Has it even been two months? Or has it been longer?

He can't keep track of time anymore, can't tell what's real, all because the day after three weeks, everything started to melt away.

Maybe he's gotten a bit more paranoid at times. That's fair. Besides, he's got three suitors, two children, and a monster who wants to kill all these children who did nothing wrong ever.

Maybe it's a bit after he was taken by Forever that he finally actually lost it. He's chained up, constantly hurt and deprived of food, water, sleep, and sometimes any kind of interaction. He was already sometimes struggling with the lack of medication, but now it's worse.

You know what sundowning is? It usually only affects the elderly and people affected with the illnesses that tend to be associated with them which brings major confusion, aggression, anxiety, and just a bunch of negative things. It happens in the late afternoon and the night. I imagine where Phil's being held in your FML AU, it's dark with only some dim lighting that makes it feel like evening all the time. Maybe it triggers some of his hallucinations more often.

Phil's stuck in hell. But the lack of medication makes it worse.

-Pragmatic (really enjoyed your take on q!Phil and his clear mental illnesses)

Phil's mental health would be a major factor in FML, Forever wouldn't be able to do what he did if Phil was stable.

Part of his last big breakdown was that he kept seeing Cucurucho in his room. Sometimes it was real but a lot of the time it genuinely wasn't and he was hallucinating because his health was declining

Forever would not be able to break a mentally well person that well that fast. It only took a month and a half before Phil gave up completely

Also, his lack of medications make it a lot easier for Forever to give him sedatives pretty much any other drugs he wants/needs to. Phil is pretty reliant on his meds as they stop him from losing it completely so he's pretty willing to try anything that will help. He's been hallucinating in a dark room for a month, yes he will take those narcotics, he hasn't slept for three days. And he will keep taking them and he will be fine with it when Forever slips them into his food and water

#i was meant to respond to this ages ago and literally just forgot im sorry #amnesia is a bitch sometimes #qsmp #qsmp philza #forever my love au #philever #forphil #forever x philza #philza #forever player #qsmp forever #tw drugs #tw drugging #tw abuse

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padfoot-lupin77 · 2 months

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Is it a coincidence that all my fav characters are in urgent need of therapy?

#someone needs to get my poor boy Wylan a therapist asap cause why would Leigh have him stay in the house he was abused in the end of ck #inej and Kaz are too far to be saved by therapy atp they need amnesia #then in the pjo fandom Clarisse my girl the loml pls her anger issues and daddy issues are visible from miles away #Reyna Annabeth Percy Nico THERAPY IMMEDIATELY #marauders fandom: Alice (clinically insane) Lily (overachiever) Marlene (not very mentally stable let’s be fr)#stranger things fandom: Max Robin Will #like do you see what I’m talking about #fandom #fandoms #fictional characters #c #characters #six of crows #Percy Jackson #marauders era #stranger things

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ardenrosegarden · 3 months

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#amnesia the bunker #i also wanna put joubert in the Enrichment Pen with john boyd ravenous1999. they can idk tremble at each other.#all 5 amnesia games are about many things but to me they all are mostly about abuse of power and guilt 👍#amnesia #the terror

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ghoulneedshelp · 8 months

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please read if you are a part of DID/ADHD tumblr and/or have interacted with pika-mika, plus steer clear of them as well if you are autistic.

okay, here's the thing. i just got out of a year+ long relationship with pika-mika. they had joined a year long relationship with my current partner @skeptisystem(they'll probably reblog this). It's come to my attention that they have been blatently lying online for validation, and I feel the need to say something.

tw under the break for discussion of suicide, sh and abuse

Throughout our relationship, pika-mika was constantly using self-harm, weaponized emotions, and finances as manipulation tactics. We live in my current partner's parents' mother-in-law suite and work for their parents. At the beginning of the relationship, I split rent 50-50 with pika-mika, except for 2 months at the beginning of this year where i was extremely depressed and in a flare, and unable to work. for those 2 months pika-mika payed rent. since then, i have paid for all of our food, eating out, and any household items. totaling well over what i owed them. they held those 2 months over my head any time i asked them to contribute in any way. mostly regarding household chores. and if me and my current partner made any request regarding their behavior or messiness, they would have a full breakdown. this consisted of them either locking themself in their room or bathroom to selfharm, switching to an extremely angry and aggressive alter, or a little, who we could not blame for their actions. we believe this was not intentional at the start, but they have since gained much more awareness and control over their switches. due to this we believe that the host was intentionally leaving front to avoid the consequences of their actions.

for the past year, we have supported their littles every single day, even when pika-mika went out of their way to put themself in high stress or otherwise triggering situations. they would spend every second after work scribbling pages upon pages in their journal about how much they wanted to die, or selfharm, or how much they resented us for preventing their suicide attempt from succeeding. when my partner voiced how triggering these situations were for them, they would turn on us and accuse us of violating their boundaries. ie, not letting them lock themself in another room to selfharm, or not letting them journal. in no way did my partner or i ever request they stop journalling, just that they acknowledge how triggering these situations were.

when they were still selfharming they would spent hours locked away, come out essentially showing off their visible marks, and make my partner clean up after them. when we would beg them not to go to their very abusive parents house, and they would anyways, we would (consentually) track their phone to random parking lots, or they would turn off their location and when asked where they were, would state that they just threw a razor blade out of their car, or find them in the driveway, covered in selfharm, and leave us to clean up the aftermath and drive them home. when confronted about how much they hurt us, they would tell us it was our fault for caring about them or not letting them take their life.

we spent months like this, until they finally started with a new therapist that i had begged them to see. this helped a lot, but it did not end the abuse. they would still spend hours crying over work or their parents, and when we encouraged them to distance themself from their parents or find a new job, they would turn and yell at us, or switch to a little with no idea what was going on. for months we did this every single day.

and when they dramaticized everything we did to their best friend or therapist, they (bsf and therapist) would encourage them to continue "distancing" themself, which they interpretted as validation to continue locking themself in their room and making us deal with the aftermath. we would constantly be finding large bloody blades in their bedroom while simply trying to hang out.

this is not even scratching the surface of the hurtful and dismissive behavior we faced, such as them telling my partner that we had no right to be traumatized by them attempting suicide in our bed. they constantly used their DID as an excuse to hurt people, and would just say "well that wasn't me, so you just have to deal", something my other partner, who also has DID, never said to them or me.

this is also leaving out all of their ableism toward my partner for their autism and their own DID. they caused multiple splits and dormancies in my partner's system and would yell at their littles for being scared or upset. On multiple occasions my partner mentioned that pika-mika had done something that triggered them, and rather than just apologizing, they told my partner to just go to therapy about it and defended their actions to the end of the earth. they are also just generally ableist toward autistic people and work in ABA therapy.

i am sick of them lying to themself and everyone else to validate their shitty and abusive behavior. i stayed with them for so long because i thought they just needed help and support but clearly it wasnt enough.

closer to the end of our relationship, i was so lost in what to do. my current partner encouraged me to stick with it, so i did, for their sake. but i stopped being nice to them and letting them walk all over me. i started using their behavior against them. and while i dont stand by all of my actions, i was in no way abusive to them, especially not the way they were to me.

in this time, my partner and their littles grew dependent on each other. im sure pika-mika and their littles think i resented them for being mentally ill, but i resented them because they made it impossible for me to live without being constantly miserable and having no support from my partners. this is when they broke up with me. and it brought me relief. i felt happy for the first time in ages. i didn't really get the support i wanted, but i finally got to stop spending every moment trying to make them see how they were hurting me. because of this, they grew even more dependent on my partner and punished them for voicing any concerns.

pika-mika made it impossible for my partner to leave the house without them because they were scared they would start selfharming or attempt again in their absense, but would decline going anywhere with us other than to hang out with their best friend.

after a few months it became unbearable. my partner was essentially forced into sobriety(marijuana, nothing bad) by their parents, and that became the breaking point. we were trying to move out and gain some distance, but it was proving impossible. my partner insisted we each have our own rooms, so they would have a safe space, or a place to hide. but we couldnt find one due to finances. it was at this time my partner came to me and said they couldnt do it any more, they couldnt continue living with or being in a relationship with them. i supported this decision. they broke up with pika-mika, and told them they couldnt continue to live in the same house as them.

before this conversation had even taken place, pika-mika began to look into moving out on their own due to feeling suffocated by my partners worries, but got upset when my partner was the one to end things. originally, we thought we could continue being friends, but then they went to their parents' house again.

their parents, presumably, put pressure on them to take "their" cat with them. our cats are littermates and have never been separated. we told them we would not allow them to take him. and gave them all of our reasons for why we would not be okay with it and why he, the cat, would be unhappy. pika-mika took this as a personal attack and told us that we could not continue being friends.

since then, we have barely spoken, but they have not stopped posting online for validation for their actions. they weren't blatently lying to begin with, but now they are. my partner has not spoken to them. i have spoken to them a couple times, to voice my opinions and to request some of my things back that they took with them when they moved out. they got a new job but did not quit with my partner's family. now they spend 5 days a week in our house, and we have to practically sneak around to avoid them.

a few days ago, i brought up all their remaining food and items they left behind. presumably, this is the bullying they're referring to. i had not said anything to them, besides, heres your stuff. until they in the most fake nice way said, "Oh, you can keep this, i dont have cats" about a broken cat toy. to which i very bluntly said, "i dont want it," and left the room. that was our last interaction.

All that i request is that no one give them the validation to continue treating people like this in the future. I am done with them and dont want to ever see or hear from them again. unfortunately, i expect i will, as we are still coworkers, and they come to my home every day.

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eldritch-queern-magicat · 3 months

Text

Actually, no, I haven't really changed at all since middle school. I'm still the same deeply creative weirdo with ever-growing eclectic interests. A happily blooming nerd. If I learned about something in school, I wanted to explore it at home, on my own. That's really how the electronics disaster happened. I'm actually incredibly grateful Mom and Dad monitored my Internet use. I am way too curious sometimes. And I have to see shit for myself extremely often.

I wasn't let back out properly as a specific part until sometime in the sixth grade. It was partially the cats, but also realizing Nanny probably wouldn't be around much longer. So when she did die, I was more relieved than anything else. I used to feel bad that I hadn't cried for her.

But she was stifling me and trying to tell me what to be. She didn't like me being curious about makeup? I was low-key kinda thrilled when I got makeup for Christmas in my senior year of high school. I like color. A lot. I used to constantly change my favorite color. Now I just say I love the entire rainbow.

And I had to hide that I absolutely loved Pokémon. I think she thought it was glorifying violence, but it's more like competitive high-contact sports. Either that, or it was the racism. Frankly, probably both. It's probably the one thing she might have been worse than foster care about. But honestly, watching all the stuff that had to do with entirely different cultures was so good for me. It still exposed me to to new ideas and lessons when I actually needed it. Among them, I started passively absorbing any little bit when Taoism or Buddhism were significant themes. Paired with Bible study on Saturday morning, I guess I managed better than I thought.

She was surprisingly ok with when I was really into western fantasy like Sabrina the Teenage Witch. I think she was also ok with Power Rangers and ThunderCats (the original). At least she validated my love of learning new things and legit gave me old text books (that I don't know where she even got) to look at science subjects at home.

I think that really started in the seventh grade when I got so obsessed with astronomy and in particular, black holes. It just amazed me how unfathomably massive the universe is. How far it goes, how long even light takes to travel through it. I couldn't help but find the divine in the actual, physical cosmos. And it was there with every part of it. I would think, ‘How can everything in this physical reality be bad if God had said it was good in the beginning? Surely we haven't corrupted everything. Cats and dogs know about compassion, in a sense. That's good and beautiful.’

It wasn't hard at all to be better than foster care, but she actually was. She did encourage me to ask questions if I was confused. She clarified a lot of the literalist theology so I could start to understand it. I think I asked to study the bible with her, with that very hope. According to Dad, she could keep up with devout Catholics. I had two different children's bibles at her trailer, plus she bought me my own standard bible when I was ten, for my birthday. She and Mom took me to the book store at the mall, and had them print my casual first name with my last name at the bottom right corner of the front in silver letters.

Fun fact, someone actually jokingly asked if I'd grown up Catholic because of my apparently deep knowledge of Christianity. That was during the summer last year. The irony of my current proximity to the nearest Catholic church is not lost on me.

What fucked me back up was how I was treated during high school a lot by peers and family, and largely I just got angrier more than anything else. I was trying my best to do better when it all started going downhill fast again. But apparently I was still not good enough. My cousins suddenly became spoiled brats because of my needs frequently not being met entirely, but they seemed so much better adjusted. They didn't understand, and I didn't know how to break my silence. So I started lashing out because i really didn't have the social skills I needed. So yeah, I was definitely an asshole at times. The bullshit from foster care got a refresh, and I was forced to submit to their training again.

Never had any serious issues with Grandma, though in typical moody teenager fashion, I was sometimes a brat.

There's a reason I didn't really come out of my shell again until my junior year of high school. I decided to try to be more brave the year before, since I knew I'd graduate in Ohio. I got better at my art and creative writing, and it seemed to give me a way to connect with others. I decided to go for the culinary class at the career center because hey--good food--and the only thing that was in question was my literal birth date and legal age restrictions with the student restaurant. I got in. Mom and Dad made absolutely sure it was paid for. So I decided to do another nuts thing and go try out for the spring musical. I met one of my closest friends that way. Truly a charismatic character (gonna tag you, @themerrymutants I miss you). I felt accepted and encouraged, like family is supposed to make you feel.

Memories are really just flooding in now, it's a just lot to process. Maybe it's because while answering the person on anon, I opened up a lot of my own psychological cupboards. I never really said a lot of that at once, let alone even explained my logic behind it all. It put a lot of things into perspective for me.

And I just can't help but think, oh, shit, I actually am competent. But I was constantly second-guessing myself because so many of the people around me were hellbent on judging everything I did. Now I understand that in those cases, they most likely feared how authentic I am. Some people, more or less depending on where I was at any given time, thought I was pretty cool because I was so authentic.

I stopped fronting almost entirely when Mom died. I still hadn't recovered at all from literally anything, and didn't know how to handle that. It took cycling through different roles to find something productive for me. I shattered, and ended up pushing most of my remaining idealism into the then-evolving Lilitu.

But I was always at my best when I was true to myself. There were still plenty of people who loved me for who I really was. And that was just enough to keep going. That is precisely what fueled my spite against others who didn't like me. And Mom sure as fuck never quit going.

-Era 🍎😺

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