#and I had the pre surgery done today

[kipaia]

surprise panic attack???

#that hasn't happened in at least like five years #idly realized i'm double booked for pretty much my entire weekend #and i didn't get done half the shit i was supposed to get done today #and i'm having surgery on monday (which i'm thrilled about) but everything MUST be done before then T.T #had the passing thought that i forgot to warn my partner about a last minute schedule change with work for the weekend #and i think i just bunny trailed a lightning round of thinking about e v e r y t h i n g that needs to get done and i got super overwhelmed #hence panic attack #been so long i forgot what it feels like and it took me a heck of a while to realize what was happening #think im going to end up calling out of all but my two pre-req tests i'm running this weekend #they're only an hour each #uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh time is passing too slow (i want it to be surgery day T.T) and too fast (there's too much to do between then and now)

[on-my-vigilante-sht]

Sorry to Meet You

Carlisle Cullen x Reader

Summary: The moral dilemma of the patriarch of the Cullen clan finally meeting his mate after 350 years. 

Warnings: Angst, death, blood, accident, surgery, not beta’d, turning, grief

Word Count: 5.8k (sorry, I got a little carried away and I’m getting used to writing one shots again)

Masterlist

I rounded the corner within the halls of my father’s hospital, heading towards his oh so familiar office. I  had spent a good portion of my childhood playing in the office halls of the hospital so as to not get in the way of an emergency. Every take your child to work day, every early dismissal, random day off from school, and every weekend he had to work and couldn’t find someone to watch me, he brought me here up until I was about 12.

Now I was in college, studying biology as a pre-med student at Johns Hopkins University. But today I was returning to Forks for my summer vacation in between my freshman and sophomore year. He was supposed to pick me up from the airport tomorrow but I had wanted to surprise him at work so I left a day early.

Reaching the door to his office, I entered. Embarrassingly, I had been so eager I hadn’t even checked if he was busy. As the door swung open I was met with the golden hair and eyes of the most gorgeous man I had ever seen. Given his youth I assumed he was a student or a resident but one look at his badge told me he was an attending.

“Y/N? What are you doing here?” my father’s voice broke me from my trance.

“Hi!” I smiled at my father, ripping myself from the mystery man’s enchanting gaze. “I wanted to surprise you,” I explained, returning his hug. “I was so excited I didn’t even consider that you were busy. Sorry,” I apologized to both men.

“Don’t be,” the blond said in an almost melodic voice. “Trust me I understand the importance of family.”

“Yeah Dr. Cullen’s kids are here all the time,” my father laughed.

‘This guy has kids?’ I thought. ‘Plural? He looks no older than 25.’

Seemingly reading the confusion on my face he explained. “Adopted kids. My sister and I were foster kids so we always agreed we’d adopt as many as possible. So far we’ve adopted five teenagers, hoping to give them a new shot at life.”

“Wow,” was all I said, unsure of how to react. ‘Well this guy was definitely out,’ I noted to myself. ‘Not only is he your father’s colleague, he had five teenagers.’ “Well I should let you get back to it,” I said shyly, already backing out of my father’s office, embarrassed. “I’ll be at the house and we’ll get dinner after?” I suggested to my father.

“Sounds good. See you later sweetie,” he called after me.

~

Carlisle tried his hardest to focus on Dr. L/N’s words but he couldn’t, he was so focused on his colleague’s daughter. When she entered the office he had sucked in a breath he didn’t need. He had heard that some mate connections hit you like a brick but he hadn’t seen it with anyone except presumably between Rosalie and Emmett when she demanded he save him.

So as soon as he was done with his meeting he hopped into his Mercedes and headed towards Dr. L/N’s house. Once he reached it he found no cars in the driveway or any indication that there had been a car there recently, only wet footprints leading up to the porch and inside the door, presumably from Y/N getting out of a cab.

Continuing past the house he parked about half a mile away before running back to the house, a feat that only took him a couple seconds.

Taking a page from Edward’s book he began creeping along the side of the house, trying to spot Y/N through a window. But when he couldn’t find her he was forced to climb up some trees until he found her in what was presumably her bedroom, unpacking a suitcase full of clothes.

He watched, admiring the girl as she sorted through the clothes, tossing some in the laundry bin and others in piles to be sorted in the closet. He realized that he could watch her all day, admiring the quirks of her expression as she reacted to different situations. He hadn’t understood the other Cullens’ obsessions with each other until now.

He continued to watch for hours. His eyes sometimes drifting to the delicate curves of her body but always scolding himself for thinking of her like that given that she didn’t even really know him. But a small part of his mind whispered that she’d be his one day.

He only left when he heard her father’s car approaching, swearing to come back to learn more about her so he could strike up a conversation about her favorite things the next time they “accidentally” ran into each other.

~

The next time I visited the hospital wasn’t just to visit my father, it was because I had managed to slip in a puddle, earning myself a gash on the forehead.

I was sat in the waiting room going on two hours with a blood soaked rag pressed to my forehead. I truly didn’t mind waiting seeing as I knew there were far more injured people getting treated. But as I continued to wait I started to get more and more light headed. I began to make my way to the desk in hopes they could give me some answers when I got a head rush, stumbling into a very cold, hard chest.

“Y/N?” I heard the melodic voice again. This time dripping with concern. “What happened?”

“Oh nothing,” I dismissed, reluctantly pulling away from the grasp he had on my arms. “Just slipped in a puddle and my head kind of ate it,” I chuckled.

“How long have you been here?” he asked, more concern ebbing into his voice.

“I don’t know about two hours?” I shrugged, trying to not make a big deal of it. “Please don’t tell my dad, he’ll just get all concerned and angry and wonder why I wasn’t immediately treated.”

Inside, Carlisle was already feeling all those things I just described. “Well you shouldn’t have to sit there for two hours, bleeding out of your head. You should’ve been brought for a CT. C’mon, can’t have Dr. L/N’s daughter bleeding out in the waiting room.”

I smiled shyly as I felt his strong, cold hand be gently placed on my lower back as he guided me towards an exam room.

~

All throughout the exam Carlisle had to hold his breath. He has excellent control, it’s what many believe to be his special ability and it allows him to do what he loves but Y/N’s blood? The faintest smell alone made venom flood his mouth. And the blood soaked rag along with the fact that he had to bandage up her forehead didn’t help.

“Okay, that should do it,” he smiled, thankfully pulling back from his mate as he finished taping a bandage onto her head. “You’ll have to keep it bandaged for a couple days but your father should be able to help with that. And you most likely won’t scar.”

She breathed a sigh of relief. “Thanks Dr. Cullen. I owe you one.”

He shook his head, breathing a laugh as he looked down at the girl’s chart. “Please, I’m happy to do it. And you can call me Carlisle.”

“Carlisle,” she repeated, nearly melting the vampire right there, “that’s an interesting name, never heard it.”

“Well my parents were a bit old fashioned,” he explained. “So your father tells me you finished your first year at Johns Hopkins? That’s very impressive.”

He admired her blush as she looked down at the ground. “Thanks. I think I was the only one of my graduating class to go out of state.”

“Yeah, I’ve figured out Forks is a very small town. Not many people leave,” he chuckled. “Do you know what you want to study?”

“Um I’ve always kind of wanted to be a surgeon. I know it’s the most difficult specialty but I enjoy the precision of it,” she shrugged.

Carlisle felt a sense of disappointment at the news that his mate wanted to be a surgeon. Being a doctor was hard enough as a vampire but having to literally cut people open? Even he didn’t think he’d be able to focus surrounded by so much blood. He was already dreading having to tell her that she couldn’t be a surgeon after she turned, not at least for decades while she learned control. He was suddenly snapped from his fantasies realizing that this human barely knew him and practically everything he knew about her came from his lurking outside her windows.

Dragging himself out of his thoughts which had no doubt created a long, awkward pause he spoke again. “Yes, well if you made it to Johns Hopkins then I’m sure you can do it.”

“Thanks Doc- Carlisle,” Y/N corrected before standing up off the table and heading for the door.

As she exited, taking most of her intoxicating scent with her, Carlisle sucked in a breath he didn’t need. As much as he hated watching his mate leave he needed a break from her blood. No one had tempted him the way Y/N L/N had, even when he was a starving newborn. And he realized that he would have to figure out a way to get close to her and get her to love him before he even told her about the mate bond. A difficult feat considering her father’s place as his colleague.

~

When Carlisle got home that evening he immediately went to his room, tipping off the family that something was different.

As he collapsed backwards onto his sofa he let his mind wander to his mate. He could picture her face so clearly, and more frighteningly he could still imagine the smell of her blood with eerie accuracy. He imagined all his future endeavors to keep her safe as a human. He’d watch over her, always be within reach to step in when she needed. He pictured their love story. It’d be slow and start with glances and fleeting touches until he invited her out to dinner once she became more comfortable with him. He’d kiss her goodnight on the porch and then make sure she got into the safety of her home before leaving. Their relationship would develop from there with more dates, with Y/N’s father’s approval of course. And when she uttered the words ‘I love you,’ he’d tell her about him and his species because he knew he had earned her love. And as much as he didn’t want to damn her to a life of hiding and being a monster, he couldn’t help but imagine her turning. He’d gently bite into the soft flesh of her throat, injecting his venom into her veins, cementing her as his forever. But the thought of hurting her and turning her into a monster made him hesitate.

As Carlisle continued to immerse himself in his fantasies, his sister entered. “Carlisle?” Esme called softly. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah,” he agreed, sitting up. He wasn’t sure whether or not to tell his family that he had met him mate, considering they were already dealing with the human mate to Edward, Bella, who they had just moved back to Forks for. Of course no secrets stayed secrets for long thanks to Edward and Alice’s gifts. Edward could be counted on for discretion but Alice’s overeager nature wouldn’t allow that. He was surprised that Alice hadn’t already planned a party but maybe she hadn’t seen his mate in her visions yet. He had also wanted to keep her his own little secret for a while but clearly that wouldn’t be happening so he relented. “I- uh met my true mate.”

Esme’s eyes widened as she gasped. Of course living in a house full of vampires everyone heard and immediately began rushing in.

“You met your mate!” Alice practically screamed, nearly knocking over Esme.

“What’s she like?” Emmett asked with a grin. “Or he?” he added hesitantly.

“It’s a she,” Carlisle confirmed. “It’s very new. She doesn’t even really know anything about me and everything I know about her comes from lurking outside her window,” he groaned in embarrassment.

“Well that worked with Bella,” Jasper laughed.

Edward shot his brother a glare before looking back at his adoptive father. “Just find an excuse to be around her, ask her on a date.”

“That’s the thing, she’s 19-”

“You’re physically 23,” Alice cut in.

“Her father is my coworker,” he elaborated. “Besides they think I’m 31 at the hospital. And she just finished her first year pre-med.”

“So you’ll see her around the hospital!” Alice insisted, still trying to convince her adoptive father that everything would be fine. “Suggest that she comes to the hospital more to observe or do an internship! Then you can get to know her and ask her on a date.”

“That’s not actually the worst plan,” Edward admitted.

Carlisle thought for a second. That could actually work, he’d just have to figure out how to bring it up to her and her father naturally.

“So what’s she like?” Rosalie asked suddenly.

If vampires could blush Carlisle would be bright red. “Well um she has H/L, (hair length) H/T, (type) H/C (color) hair. She actually looks a lot like her father, Dr. L/N. She goes to Johns Hopkins. Look can everyone just go back to what they were doing?”

“But we want to meet her,” Alice practically whined.

In his frustration with everything Carlisle blurted out, “You may not even get to meet her.”

That dampened the mood. “What?” Esme asked softly.

“Nothing is decided yet but she’s human. We’re already dealing with Bella, the Volturi are already keeping their eyes on us, and I don’t want to doom her to this life if I don’t have to.”

“But this is your mate,” Alice insisted. “You’ve been alone for 350 years!”

“He has a point,” Rosalie cut in. “We can’t afford to have another human know about us especially with the Volturi sniffing around us. And we shouldn’t be turning people unless they’re actively dying.”

“But she’s his true mate!” Alice maintained, practically stamping her foot on the ground. “He can’t just turn his back on her.”

“Look nothing is decided,” Carlisle tried to calm Alice down. “I have to be back at work in a few hours and I need to hunt so if you’d all please let me be.”

Everyone shuffled out of the room reluctantly except for Edward. “It will break your heart to let that girl go.”

Carlisle paused. He knew that, the idea of letting her go live her life and potentially fall in love with someone else broke his heart. “I know,” he admitted. “But the thought of having to hurt her and make her like this hurts just as much.”

“So love her for the duration of her mortal life.”

“Just to watch her age, live in pain, and die? I couldn’t handle that.”

“But you’re doing it for her,” Edward pointed out.

“But if I’m doing it for her shouldn’t I just let her go live a normal life?”

Edward shrugged. “I don’t know the right answer here just that no matter what you choose it’ll kill you in some way. That’s the unfortunate truth about loving a human.”

~

A few weeks went by and Y/N became a routine part of Carlisle’s day. He’d usually see her at the hospital, working as a secretary. (A job she acquired even without Carlisle’s suggestion.) Because of that he had gained a reputation for hanging around the nurses station, flirting with Y/N. Not only did he learn about her through actually talking to her, he would make frequent trips to her house to watch her through the windows, even occasionally going into her room, which he felt wrong about but being surrounded by her scent dismissed any doubt from his mind.

“Y/N,” he greeted like he did every morning, bringing her a coffee.

“You must be spending a fortune on coffee,” she commented, taking the cup. She had protested several times, insisting that she pay him back but he refused every time so she just began to accept it.

“It’s nothing,” he dismissed. “But if it was it’d be worth it,” he flirted, earning a blush from the girl. Carlisle had learned a lot about flirting in these few weeks. At first it was a bit clumsy but he picked it up fairly easily with a little coaching from Rosalie and Emmett.

“Yeah well you won’t have to spend like $4.50 everyday for much longer, one of my professors is starting a research project a month before the semester begins and he invited me as a fellow,” she explained, a glimmer of disappointment behind her bright, casual expression.

If Carlisle’s heart wasn’t already frozen it would’ve stopped beating. He tried his best to hide his shock and disappointment. “Oh, well congratulations. Getting invited to stuff like this is really good for med school applications.”

“Yeah, and I like being here but it was too good of an opportunity to pass up, y’know? Plus it’ll be nice to see the sun again,” she awkwardly laughed, sensing the doctor’s unease.

“Yeah, um well I have to go get some labs. Congratulations, I’ll see you around,” he rushed out with a forced smile. He didn’t stay long enough to hear her response, rushing out of the room as fast as possible without being suspicious.

He couldn’t think straight. He of course had thought about her just leaving but now that it was actually happening, as well as happening sooner than expected, he didn’t know how to deal with it.

~

Carlisle had no clue what to do when it came to his mate leaving. He couldn’t stop her, that wasn’t fair to Y/N, so instead he kept his distance. Which was easy considering that he could smell her from a mile away. Until one day at the hospital when the scent of her blood was particularly strong.

“19 year old female, car crash. Resuscitated once in the field, three times en route,” the panicked voice of the paramedic echoed through Carlisle’s sensitive ears. He rushed into the ER, spotting her through the window of the trauma room. He mostly recognized her through her scent but would know that H/T, H/C hair and S/T skin through purple and blue bruises from a million miles away. But the next words from her attending doctor only confirmed the worst. “Page Dr. L/N, it’s Y/N!”

It felt like Carlisle had been sucker punched in the gut. It took everything in him not to stagger back and let out a dry sob right there in the ER. When her heart monitor flatlined he wanted to slaughter every person in that room in his grief. It was ridiculous, 350 years of self control would be gone just because of a girl. But not just any girl, his girl.

When they finally got Y/N’s heartbeat back they wheeled her up to surgery, just as Dr. L/N entered the ER. “Where’s Y/N? Where’s my daughter?” he demanded, trying to launch himself at the ER desk.

“D/N, D/N,” Carlisle tried to calm the distraught father. He had to physically hold the man back with vampire strength. Fortunately the ER was too chaotic for anyone to notice. “They took her up to surgery, she’ll be fine.”

“Surgery? Oh god,” the man began to cry. “But that’s my baby, she’s all I have.” With those words Carlisle began to feel guilty. Just a few weeks ago a part of him had been so ready to basically just kidnap this poor man’s daughter and completely shatter his world without a thought. “Oh god, surgery here is a death sentence.”

Carlisle began to protest before really thinking about it. Forks Hospital was small, their surgical staff consisted of two surgeons and whatever nurses that had completed the surgical nurse program. No one came her for surgery, they all went to Port Angeles and their non-emergent traumas went there too. The only people who came here were on the brink of death and unfortunately the two surgeons here weren’t exactly outstanding in their field. They were good enough but nothing remarkable and they usually lost their patients due to the circumstances.

~

Carlisle tried to carry on his day as if the love of his life wasn’t dying in a surgical suite right now. But the ordinarily smooth, confident doctor was distracted and constantly messing up. Until finally his shift was over and he went up to his mate’s room. He had orchestrated the nurses’ charts so she’d be placed in a secluded room should Carlisle need to intervene to prolong her life.

When he entered the room he was met with the most heartbreaking sight. Y/N was laid on the bed, an intubation tube sticking out of her throat. Her entire face was black and blue, some bones in her face looked like they had been broken. She hardly looked recognizable. On the only chair in the room sat her father looking like a worried mess. “Oh, hey Carlisle,” Dr. L/N said dejectedly.

“I’m so sorry, D/N.”

The man shrugged. “She’s tough. She managed to claw her way out of this place. She’ll survive this.”

“I hope so,” Carlisle agreed, staring longingly at his mate.

He didn’t want to arouse too much suspicion from Y/N’s father so he reluctantly went home to change and hunt.

After his quick hunt he re-entered his home finding Alice. “Carlisle, I’m so sorry,” she said softly. He wasn’t sure what to say to that but fortunately he didn’t have to come up with anything because she spoke again. “But you have to stay with her at the hospital if you want any shot at survival.” By now Edward had joined them.

“What?” Carlisle asked.

“She won’t survive this. You’re a doctor, you have to know that. So you’ll have to change her.”

Carlisle would be lying if he said he hadn’t thought of the scenario where Y/N was severely injured and he needed to change her. He looked up at his oldest son. “There’s nothing wrong about saving her life if she’s already dying.”

Not wanting to waste another second Carlisle sped off. He almost ran to the hospital but realized at the last second he should take the car. So he floored it, doing 150mph practically the whole way there. And finally parking in the back so he’d be able to bring her home unseen.

When he got to the hospital his ears were bombarded with thousands of sounds, something he was now used to, but because of his experience he was able to tune into his mate’s heart monitor while he got his plan ready.

Heading to the morgue he found a body that was a similar build and coloring to Y/N. Carlisle was by no means squeamish but it felt weird to break her bones and watch bruises form over her skin until her face was unrecognizable. He then scraped up as many ashes as possible to make it look like someone had cremated her so no one would go looking for her body. Setting the body aside he headed back upstairs finding Dr. L/N slumped over in a chair.

Carlisle hesitantly shook the older man awake. “Hey,” he said softly, willing the man to take his suggestion. “You should go home and rest. Get changed. I’ll watch over her.” The man hesitated, still staring at his fragile daughter. “She'll be fine, I’ll call you if anything happens.”

He reluctantly agreed before heading out, making Carlisle promise to call him even if her heart rate changed by two points.

Carlisle sat for a while, waiting for the hospital to calm down a bit before enacting his plan. First he went to the nurses station while no one was there, turning off the monitors that connected to his mate’s room. He then went back downstairs, using his hearing and sense of smell to bring the body up without being detected. Finally it was time to turn his mate. He stood over her bedside, observing her mortality for the final time. Through the black and blue of her face he admired her beauty, reminiscing the unique, flawed beauty of mortals.

This would be the most difficult transformation of his life. He was more nervous than when he had turned his sister who was his first turn. Y/N’s blood smelled so sweet he wasn’t sure he’d be able to pull away. He took a deep breath through his mouth before lowering his head to her throat, biting quickly. It took everything in him to pull away. He had never killed a human but he had tasted blood when he turned them and Y/N’s was like nothing he had ever tasted before. He knew he had to hold on long enough for the venom to inject into her bloodstream which made it even harder to pull away but he did it.

When he pulled back he could see blood seeping from her puncture wounds telling him he didn’t kill her. He quickly began disconnecting her from the machines before the venom could wreak havoc on her system. He then swapped her body for the one from the morgue, connecting the machines once again. Running down to the car he placed her unconscious figure in the backseat before going upstairs to reconnect the nurses station, alerting them that Y/N L/N was dying.

But by the time they reached her room with a crash cart Carlisle was already escaping with his prize in the back seat.

~

It took three agonizing days for Y/N’s transformation. Carlisle spent every moment he could at her side. He had to go to the hospital in order to not arouse suspicion where he unfortunately had to deal with her grieving father. He had called him on the way home to tell that he had gone to the bathroom and when he got back she was coding. But it didn’t seem to make anything easier for Dr. L/N as the man tried to tackle Carlisle when he walked into work. Fortunately for his secret a nurse stopped him. “You left her!” he screamed. “I lost my baby. I didn’t get to say goodbye because of you!”

At first Carlisle had been elated to finally have his mate (among other conflicting feelings) but now he was confronting the grief he had created. He realized that even if she was going to die anyway, if he hadn’t intervened her father would’ve gotten to say his final goodbye.

Meanwhile at home Y/N was laid on the soft couch in his room. She had spent the first two days sleeping fairly peacefully to the point that Carlisle was afraid he had killed her but her slowing heartbeat was assurance that she was okay. The third day was the hardest, he learned from Jasper that he could feel her pain. He was at work when the pain started and Alice had called him since she would be awake soon and Carlisle had wanted to be the one with her when she woke up.

Carlisle had been sitting by her side for a few hours, admiring her now clear skin, pure from all the bruises and broken bones she had received. In his own cold, stone hand, he now felt the same in her hand, all the warmth having been drained from it now as he played with her fingers adoringly.

~

Even before I opened my eyes I could hear so clearly. I could hear the rustle of clothing, the sound of skin rubbing skin as I realized a cold hand was playing with my fingers. As I became more aware I realized that my throat felt so dry it felt like it was burning.

Peeling my eyes open I was met with what seemed like the brightest object in the universe. I was half convinced I was staring directly into the sun except I could heat the hum of electric lighting.

“Is it too bright?” a voice— Carlisle’s voice asked.

Turning my head I met his warm, golden expression. When I nodded in agreement he ran towards the switch faster than I had ever seen anything move. Weird, but maybe I was just really groggy, but strangely I didn’t feel groggy, I felt more alive than I ever had.

Carlisle’s face reappeared in my field of vision, I could now more clearly see the flawlessness of his skin and the flecks of gold in his irises. Unbeknownst to me he was was also now observing the smoothness of my skin and the deep red hue of my eyes. Something about him felt safe and warm, like I never wanted to leave his side again. “Carlisle?” was all I could think of to say.

His adoring smile widened when I said his name. “Hey, Y/N. How are you feeling?”

“Good…” I answered hesitantly. I felt better than I ever had but his question made me think I shouldn’t feel good.

“That’s good. The transformation can be rougher for some people,” he explained, pulling away slightly to allow me room to sit up.

As I pushed myself up I moved so fast the couch slid to the side. My eyes widened, realizing what happened. “What’s going on? What transformation?”

He took my hands in his, now kneeling on the ground in front of me. “This is going to be strange and you won’t believe me but bear with me, okay?” he asked, looking up at me. One look in his eyes and I was melting so I just nodded, allowing him to explain. “I’m… a vampire. And I made you one too.” Laughs began to wrack my body, this had to be a joke. But one look at the grave sincerity on his face told me he wasn’t joking. “It’s true. It’s why when you sat up the couch moved. Why you’re probably really overwhelmed with all the sound, smells, lights, and feelings. Vampires are the most dangerous predators. We have better senses, are faster, and stronger than anything else.” Seeing my lost expression he rushed out the next words. “I know it’s a lot and I’m sorry I did this to you.”

“Why did you do this to me?”

“How much do you remember?”

“The last thing I remember is driv-” I suddenly realized what must’ve happened. “I was in an accident wasn’t I?”

Carlisle nodded his head regretfully. “You weren’t going to make it. That’s why I turned you. I didn’t want to do it. I was going to let you live your life as a human whether that be with me or with someone else but I couldn’t just let you die.”

“So what? You just turn every dying patient in the hospital?” I asked, trying to wrap my head around his words.

He shook his head no. “You’re the first I’ve turned in nearly 70 years. I couldn’t let you die because… well you see-” Carlisle was struggling with the best word choice to keep from scaring his mate off. “We’re mates… I knew the instant I saw you. Humans can’t feel it as strongly and it’s rare to meet your true mate but that’s what we are.” I didn’t know how to react, I didn’t even know exactly what I was feeling. “You don’t have to stay, you certainly don’t have to accept our bond but I thought you should know about it. Before you got hurt I was planning to hopefully be worthy of your love the old-fashioned way but given the circumstances…”

Before I could say anything the door swung open, revealing three more vampires. One had blonde curls, another with a brunette, short pixie, and the third had caramel hair and had a strong resemblance to Carlisle. “Hi, I’m Alice!” the bubbly brunette introduced.

“Um, girls-” Carlisle attempted to dismiss them so as to not overwhelm his mate.

“She’s probably thirsty,” the blonde insisted. Everyone looked over at me expectantly. Remembering the burning in my throat I nodded. Alice approached, opening a cup allowing the most appetizing scent to permeate through the air. I took it eagerly, frowning when I looked into the cup to find a thick, red liquid. Blood.

“It takes a bit of getting used to,” the caramel-haired one empathized.

“Trust me, you’ll like it,” Alice encouraged.

I gingerly brought it to my lips. The more I could smell it the thirstier I got so I downed the drink. The second the blood touched my lips I couldn’t get enough as I began to down the drink. Once it was all gone Carlisle gently brought the cup from my hands. “C’mon, you should meet the others,” he said, gently taking my hand in his. He led me out of his room, the three women following us into what looked like a very modern living room where there were three men waiting for us. “Y/N, these are my adoptive kids,” Carlisle explained as the blonde and Alice went to stand with their… brothers? “That’s Alice and Jasper, Emmett and Rosalie,” he pointed out the couples, “Edward, and my sister, Esme.”

~

The Cullen clan welcomed Y/N with open arms, including Bella when she eventually met the new vampire. It took a day or two of warming up but soon enough Carlisle and Y/N began to behave just like other mates. They were constantly together, and the rest of the Cullen clan were happy to finally see Carlisle so happy with his mate after 350 years.

Masterlist

#carlisle cullen #carlisle #carlisle cullen x reader #carlisle x reader #carlisle imagine #twilight #twilight x reader

[sevcasejay1chicago]

Surgery- Jay Halstead/ Matt Casey/ Kelly Severide

Summary: Your boys before and after you have a diagnostic procedure. You have anxiety, but you have the best support system.

Mentions: Maggie Lockwood, April Sexton, Wallace Boden, and Crocket

Warnings: nausea, talk of needles, basically an anxiety attack

—————————

In order for you to have someone with you at all times for the few days after your diagnostic laparoscopic procedure, Matt was working on shift today, but Kelly and Jay were by your side. Jay had managed to get two days off to be with you on the day of your surgery and the day after, and Kelly had managed to get this shift off.

Though you knew lots of the doctors and nurses at Med, you were extremely nervous. Maggie promised to be with you through pre-op, Dr. Marcel had convinced Nat to allow him to do the procedure rather than an OB, and April was going to be your post op nurse. Kelly and Jay were going to be with you when you woke up, knowing that you panic when coming out of anesthesia, so everything seemed to be planned out perfectly. Your nerves were just giving you a really hard time.

———pre-op———

“I don’t want to do this.” You said, practically pleading with Kelly and Jay. “Please. I’ll do more tests and even do blood work, but I don’t want to do this.” you had tears streaming down your face as Maggie walked around getting you all prepped while your boys tried to comfort you.

Jay was stood next to your head and Kelly was sat next to you on the bed. Both boys were on the same side so that Maggie had room to work. Jay had a hand massaging the back of your neck as Kelly held the hand that Maggie wasn’t preparing to put an Iv in.

“Baby. It’s gonna be okay.” Kelly said, locking eyes with you. “You’ll be asleep before you know it and then we will be right there with you again. Then we can go home and call Matt. He might even have some time to come see you for a few minutes.” Kelly tried to reason with you, but you shook your head and turned to Jay instead.

Jay’s eyes were showing slight amusement but mostly sympathy. All three of you had masks on, so you had to read his eyes. “Sweetheart.” Jay sighed, shaking his head. “You know I don’t like needles or hospitals any more than you do, but this is going to help you. Nothing bad is going to happen to you.” Jay said, leaning down and pulling off his mask long enough to place a kiss on your forehead.

“I’m gonna numb your hand. Quick poke.” Maggie spoke up, already inserting the needle. The boys shushed you as Kelly cradled your face and wiped the tears that began to spill anew. “All done. Just let it get numb and then I’ll insert the Iv. You won’t even know it happened.” Maggie said, rubbing your arm.

The boys watched as your face grew pale and glanced at each other. You had your eyes closed as you focused on trying to take deep breaths. You didn’t say anything until the IV was in place. “Feel sick.” You muttered, just loud enough for the boys to hear you.

“Mags. She’s not doing so hot.” Kelly said, catching the charge nurse’s attention.

Maggie whipped her head in your direction and started giving out orders. “Deep breaths Y/n.” Maggie soothed, jogging to the Iv cart. “Jay, pull down her mask for me.” Maggie grabbed an alcohol cloth and tore the packet open as Jay pulled down your mask. “Sniff this. I know it’s weird but trust me.” Maggie said, holding the packet to your nose.

You looked at her strangely before sniffing the swab. It was odd and a first for you. Maggie coached you through a few more breaths before she pulled back. “Better?” Kelly asked, rubbing your hand. The color had began to return to your face at this point.

“Yeah.” You said with a slow nod. “Still a tiny bit nauseous but definitely better.” You closed your eyes and leaned your head back, nuzzling into Jay’s hand that had found its way to your forehead where his thumb was rubbing soothingly against your hairline.

“Let me call Dr. Marcel and let him know that happened. You also get very nauseous and anxious coming out of anesthesia, right?” Maggie asked as she walked to the door and began typing on her handheld.

“Yeah. That’s what my mom says anyways. I was super little when I had my only other surgery, so I honestly don’t remember.” You said, shrugging slightly.

“Well, let me go get you a patch that Crockett normally recommends his patients in your predicament, and I’ll be back to put it on just before you go into surgery, okay?” Maggie said, smiling at you and your lovers.

You nodded and smiled back before pulling your mask back up. Your boys said an audible thank you as you all settled in to wait your turn.

———skip procedure to recovery———

As I slowly started to regain consciousness, I felt a weight in both my hands. I grunted and tried to move only to be unable to do so. It sent me in a panic and my eyes flew open as I gasped in a huge breath. I could hear the heart monitor beeping loudly as chairs squeaked and both my boys started talking to me.

“Shhhh shh. It’s alright. Breathe.” Jay said, leaning over and pressing the call button next to me. The room was small, just cut off by a curtain for privacy.

“April!” Kelly said loudly, stepping back a bit away from me to not startle me more, but looking for our friend.

The curtain swung open as April shuffled in, coming to mute the monitor that was next to Kelly. “Do you want me to push some anxiety meds?” April asked Kelly as he was the closest to her at the moment.

Kelly shook his head and turned to you, rubbing a hand through your hair. “Give us a second. Let her get her bearings.” Kelly didn’t want to disorient you further, so he knew that he and Jay had to calm you down soon.

Jay wiped the tears that were falling down your face as Kelly spoke to April. Jay kept up his comforting words and soon had your full attention. “Hey sweetheart. It’s alright. We’ve got you. It went well. You with me?” Jay asked, locking eyes with you.

You nodded slowly, reaching for him. Jay allowed you to pull him closer and kissed you softly on the nose before connecting your foreheads. “Home?” You whispered, breathing in time with Jay as Kelly soothed your hair down and held your hand.

“Soon.” Jay whispered, kissing your lips softly. “Think you can drink something for me?” Jay asked, pulling back to examine your face.

“Sprite?” You muttered, turning to look at Kelly and April.

April smiled and nodded her head. “I’ll go grab that really quick. You guys good?” April asked, giving Kelly and Jay a quick look. Both boys nodded and April took off.

“Call Matty?” You whispered, looking between your two boys.

Kelly smiled softly as Jay smirked. “Of course baby girl.” Kelly whispered, kissing your forehead. He pulled his phone out and dialed Matt, talking to him for a very brief moment. “Someone wants to talk to you Case.” Kelly said, drowning in your puppy dog eyes.

You smiled and took the phone. “Matty?” You whispered, giving a water smile at the sound of his voice.

“Hey princess. How are you feeling?” Matt asked, pacing his office.

Tears slid down your face as you croaked out your answer. “‘M okay. Miss you.” You sniffed, looking down at the blanket in your lap and picking at a piece of fluff on it.

Matt sighed and scrubbed his face. “Baby. I know. I miss you. When you’re all settled and I get some time, I’ll swing by with the truck and come snuggle you for a few minutes. Sound good?” Matt asked, trying to bargain with you. He hated when you cried and he knew this was hard on you.

You nodded, even though you knew he couldn’t see you. “M‘Kay.” You muttered. “Be safe.” You said, needing to end the conversation before you full out sobbed.

“I always am Angel. Let me talk to Kelly, okay? I love you.” Matt said, stopping his pacing as he caught the picture of the four of you on his desk. It really pained him not to be there, but he knew you would need him in a couple days, so this was something he was willing to do in order for you to get the care you would need.

“Love you.” You whispered before handing the phone back to Kelly.

Kelly smiled and walked a few steps away as he spoke to Matt. Jay leaned down and kissed your head and wiped more tears from your face. April returned as Jay had finally got you settled against him. It took some slow adjusting, but you managed to convince Jay to sit in the bed with you and hold you. He was desperate to calm you down, so he complied once he made sure he wouldn’t accidentally hurt you.

April smiled at the sight of the couple. It was rare to see any of the four alone with just a certain part of the couple. You all liked to stick together, all being better as one, but the sight in front of April was heartwarming. You were curled into Jay’s side as he quietly shushed you and fiddled with the blankets as he attempted to warm you back up and sooth you. Kelly was off in the corner, speaking quietly on the phone with his back to his lovers, missing the exchange but focusing on convincing Matt that you would be fine.

“Hey sweetie. Drink this and if you can keep it down, these knuckleheads can take you home.” April said, handing the small sprite to Jay for him to hold.

You carefully took the straw in between your lips and took a few cautious sips. Jay pulled back when you stopped for a second, worried about you immediately rejecting the beverage, but sighed in relief when you smiled and took the straw back, slowly drinking your favorite drink. April waited until you were done and took the can as Kelly walked back over.

“Getting cuddles already I see.” Kelly teased lightly, coming and kissing your head and then Jay’s forehead.

“Yep. Hate to see our girl cry. Had to do something.” Jay said, turning and kissing your cheek. “She just finished a sprite. If it stays down, we can go home.” Jay filled in Kelly as you snuggled deeper into his side.

Kelly nodded and looked to April. “Can we get her dressed?” He knew you felt extremely exposed under just a hospital gown and blanket. You had made that clear while you were in pre-op. He was desperate to get you comfortable.

April smiled and nodded. “Of course. There is a bandage on the incision site. She’s gonna be sore for a couple days. Just go slow, okay?” April coached, handing Kelly your bag.

“Of course.” Kelly confirmed with a nod.

“I’ll be back in a bit. Just holler if you need anything.” April said, smiling at you before she left, shutting the curtain behind her.

Jay held back a laugh as you immediately tugged at the gown, pulling it off yourself. You were in nothing but underwear, which Jay and Kelly had slipped on you when you came into post op. Kelly smirked and shook his head as he pulled out Jay’s Army hoodie and handed it to its owner to be put on you. Though, if everyone were honest, the sweatshirt now belonged to you. After Jay carefully pulled the hoodie onto your form, Kelly shimmied a pair of Matt’s CFD sweatpants onto your body before he covered your feet with your favorite fluffy socks.

Kelly stepped back and admired his work as you snuggled back into Jay’s side. You had the most content look on your face as Jay brushed the flyaways back. “Comfy?” Kelly asked, a hint of humor in his voice.

You smiled, kissing Jay’s chest. “Very.” You nodded, closing your eyes. “Home now?” You asked, not bothering to look at either of your boys.

Kelly and Jay both chuckled. “Let me go ask April.” Kelly said, leaning over to kiss your cheek before leaving.

“I love you. You are so brave.” Jay said, kissing your forehead and then your nose.

“Only cause you both make me feel safe.” You said, opening your eyes as Jay searched for yours. You fell in love with Jay’s eyes. They always told the truth and looked at you with such adoration. You were his sun. The boys were his stars, but you were the center of his universe.

“I told you we would never let anything bad happen to you sunshine.” Jay said, smiling brightly at you.

You began to answer when Kelly walked in. “Alright! April said we are good to go. Now, it’s hospital policy to be wheeled out in a wheelchair, but I figured you would rather be carried.” Kelly said, smiling as you nodded enthusiastically and threw yours arms up with little grabby hands.

Kelly and Jay laughed at your response. Jay helped you make quick work of getting in a position to where Kelly could grab you up. Though he was quick, both boys made sure to be extra careful with you. You waved to April over Kelly’s shoulder as Jay led the way out of the hospital and back out to the truck.

~~~~~ back home~~~~

Once Jay pulled into the driveway, Kelly gently unbuckled the two of you and pulled your sleeping body into his arms once again. Jay opened the door and led you both into the house. You remained mostly asleep until Kelly sat you down into a familiar set of arms.

You practically jumped up, tears immediately slipping down your face. “Matty?!” You screeched, shoving your face into his neck as you sobbed and held onto him as tightly as possible.

Matt chuckled as he cradled your head and rubbed your back. “Hey princess.” Matt whispered, kissing the side of your head. “Shhhh. It’s alright baby. I’m here now.” Matt shushed, rocking slightly to help sooth your sobbing form. The drugs were making you overly tired so you were overly emotional.

“Glad you could come home.” Kelly said, leaning down to kiss Matt before backing away and letting Jay do the same.

“I was a mess. I couldn’t stand her crying.” Matt said, looking between Kelly and Jay with a questioning look. “What’s got her so worked up?” Matt asked his best guys.

“It’s the meds. She’s been teary eyed since she woke up.” Jay said, walking into the kitchen to get you some food and some Gatorade.

“She needs to eat and then she can sleep.” Kelly said, grabbing a few tissues out of the box and sitting down next to you and Matt. “Baby. You gotta slow down.” Kelly said, rubbing your side.

Matt kissed your head again and pulled back slightly. “Baby girl. Let me see your beautiful face.” Matt whispered.

You pulled back slowly and looked to Matt and then Kelly. Kelly reached up to wipe your face before holding the tissues to your nose. “Blow.” Kelly instructed, and you did, but followed it with a whine. “What is it baby?” Kelly asked.

“Hurts.” You mumbled, putting your hand on your stomach.

“I know princess. I know.” Matt said, rubbing your back. “But Jay has some food here and something to drink. Think you can manage something and then we can see about taking something before we nap?” Matt asked, putting his hand on the side of your face as a stray tear escaped.

You nodded, sniffing as you allowed Matt and Kelly to adjust you to sit between them on the couch. You smiled as you saw Jay, who was balancing a tray with your favorite food, your favorite flavor of Gatorade, and a slew of medications.

“Dinner is served.” Jay said in his best fake French accent. Everyone burst out laughing as Jay laid the tray in your lap. “Need anything else while I’m up?” Jay asked you, leaning down to kiss your forehead.

You shook your head and dug into your meal, starving after not eating all day. You were more than content. You had all your men and your favorites in front of you. Even with the discomfort you were feeling, your soul was happy.

Jay smiled and nodded before settling on Matt’s other side. “Glad you’re here. Her crying for you broke my heart.” Jay said, snuggling into Matt’s side.

Matt smiled and kissed Jay on the top of the head. “Broke me too. Kelly tried to convince me that she would be fine, but I couldn’t focus so Chief sent me home.” Matt said, running a hand up and down your back.

You leaned into Matt’s touch with a sigh. You were exhausted and in pain, but you were so glad that you had your boys.

#maggie lockwood #one chicago #jay halstead #matt casey #one chicago x reader #kelly severide #fluff #matt casey x reader #jay halstead x reader #comfort #kelly severide x reader #matthew casey #detective jay halstead #jay halstead imagine #anxiety attack #jay halstead fluff

[valkyrieandstrangeridingaragorn]

Every time i see something about mcu's blip i have those macabre flash thoughts of someone in-universe walks out of home and see bodies falling from the sky (people that were in planes and got snapped), people getting ran over by cars and/or kinda "flying" in a car's seat height until they hit the ground and get ran over (y'know, people that got snapped while crossing the street and driving cars), patients appearing in hospital bed all open....

OMG the last one. New fear activated 😳

I'll admit that scene of Scott in EG when he sees birds flying and singing as a sign that their plan had worked was pretty nice (a little cheesy maybe, but hey... a bit of cheesy is fine sometimes) but the repercussions of the Blip should be huge like you just mentioned.

Especially because they refused to go back in time. That would have solved so many things even if they had only wanted to go back 5 years and not more. The odds that the people who came back would die almost instantly were super high. And their main mistake was this line:

Stark: "You remember - everyone Thanos snapped away five years ago and just bringing them back to now, today. Don't change anything from the last five years."

They worded that awfully wrong. I think what Stark should have said there is "Bring them back safe to today, spread them around the entire globe because this is a huge chunk of people, and they must return in a safe space. Anyone flying, comes back on the ground. Anyone in surgery, comes back on the bed and pre/post-surgery, etc".

But they didn't say that so what they were left with is this weird as fuck attempt at convincing the audience through interviews that the people who had been snapped appeared in the same place they had disappeared prior... and that ruined it even more. But that was made canon so WV gave us just that with Monica, we also saw Yelena... but then there's May.

I don't remember right now if we have other characters talking about it, but May said in FFH that when she came back from the Blip other people were living in her home. So this is a statement that applies to every single person in the universe, which means that someone flying on a plane would appear in the same spot (but no plane), someone driving a car would appear in the same spot (but no car), etc etc.

When they could have done it so much better by either rewinding time (sure, Morgan is gone and there are other repercussions to this, but that would have made EG's story better, not worse) OR Stark words his statement better and he says a variation of what I wrote earlier: Don't change the past, just bring the people back but do so with them scattered around the globe - no need for the "they show up in the same spot they disappeared in" bullshit.

#anti endgame

[eddiemunsxn]

How you meet for Henry x female reader plz

Fluff plz

— cherry blossom.

masterlist. / nav.

❰ warnings. fem!reader, slight angst (blame hawkins lab), surgery scene (blood, wounds), there’s lots of fluff i promise

❰ word count. 2.6k

❰ note. if he just…had a healthy, soft connection with someone he might not have ended up as a moist walnut

danny elfman’s “ice dance” heavily inspired the last scene! 🥰

Trading off a concrete, jungle city for miles of trees and open sky had an unexpected change in pace. Everything from buying groceries to drinking coffee was done slower and more deliberately than in a bustling city.

Hawkins had that cafe sense of community; sitting down with someone they’d known since preschool, which meant the small town was like a knitting circle. Word got around.

Your arrival in the suburban neighborhood drew eyes like flies to a corpse. Especially your work clothes. Blank and professional, it was off putting. You didn’t have patterned scrubs or with characters, but a callback to the second world war; a white ward dress and hat.

Fitting, since your new job was established after that war, built as an X with only one road in and out. Secluded in the woods, barbed wire fences cradled the building. It didn’t have windows, but was covered with chain mail-esque grating, and atop the roof, disks jutted out like a cluster of white mushrooms.

You slowed your car at the gate, and provided your identification tag to the military police. Looking through the many eyes of the gate, something cold breathed down your throat; spreading like food coloring throughout your body.

The other thing you learned about small towns—they weren’t safer. There was a preconceived notion of them being more secure than big cities, but the opposite was true.

Your job was the most perilous thing in Hawkins. In your history of government work, little fazed you, but when you first saw the children, lined up in order of height like Russian nesting dolls, it weighed down your heart. Their names were numbers. Their childhood was white walls, bloody noses, and tests.

“Children,” Brenner said. “This is your new nurse. Say hello.”

In unison, they greeted, “Hi, miss (Y/N).”

Their voices were innocent, but in their spare time they spied through closed eyes and compressed animals to death. They were being trained to kill people.

In a backlash of pre-teen rebellion, one of them had accidentally killed the previous nurse. It wasn’t their fault to lash out in such a way, seeing as where they were being raised and how they were treated. It frightened and saddened you.

But one person, an orderly, was very human with them. You didn’t know his name, but you had watched how he interacted with the children. He never stood over them, looked down at them, or watched them with the stiff demeanor of a prison guard. He was always eye level, sitting on the floor, or across from them in a game of chess.

Without windows to look outside, he became their idea of sunlight; bright at every angle in their days, and warming the cold, emotionless space within the otherwise colorful walls.

Some of that light shone on you, calming the tightness in your chest. You wished to feel all of it. To know him, and to be of some comfort to the children like he was.

The gate peeled open, and you eased your car through—just as you now encouraged one of the children through the door of the rainbow room. Hand on his shoulder, you walked in with him, and your heart hiccuped as the orderly, standing in the middle of the room, turned to you.

He neatly held his hands at his abdomen. His hair, swept in waves, recalled the color and sheen of gold pearls, contrasting his alabaster skin. He made you think of Apollo. Suitable. A god associated with the sun.

“Feeling better today, are we?” He tilted his head, his small smile dimpling his cheeks.

The child nodded.

“Great, why don’t you join the others? You've got some catching up to do.”

The child left your side, and the orderly’s eyes were drawn to you. He approached, and your heartbeat became more quick and pronounced against your chest.

His eyes held the inviting warmth of summer’s first day, but little did you know his heart was the shape of the devil’s forked tongue. Funny how he always wore white, which symbolized purity.

“We haven’t properly met.” He extended his hand out to you. “I’m Peter Ballard. And you?”

“Y/N.” You took his hand, but he was the first to squeeze. He held your eyes, entrancing you with how kind he looked, and how he kept your hand in his. “I’ve been meaning to say…” You trailed off, but he waited, patient, and smiling thoughtfully.

“The way you…interact with them. The children. It’s so human, which might be strange to say, but…no one else has that connection to these kids, not even Brenner. You sit and talk with them. You listen.”

“I used to be very close to the first one they brought in. I knew him well.” Peter stepped closer to you, dipping his chin to keep eye contact as his height grew more over you. Goosebumps traced up your spine like a sensual hand. “But I haven’t gotten to know you. And I want to.” He quieted his voice. “If you’ll let me.”

You marveled at him, lips parted. A worded response refused you, and you nodded.

The brightness in his broad smile echoed in his eyes. He looked relieved.

Peter made sure he lingered in your thoughts, whether in the moment, or when you were apart. You attracted him like flies to a dead body, and he was all over you with subtle touches—standing so close your hips brushed, walking by you and his hand kissing yours in passing.

He once removed a stray thread of your uniform stuck to your chest, letting his fingers draw along the curve of your breast. He was neat and orderly, after all. At least, that was your excuse.

It wasn’t just physical touches. His eyes always sought you out, admiring you as though you were his favorite flower in the garden, as he did now. The children blurred into the background with you around, his central focus.

“Where were you before Hawkins?” He asked. He always had an abundance of questions for you. About you.

“Macon, Georgia.”

“Is there something you miss about it?”

“Only one thing. The cherry blossoms. Each spring, Macon turns into a pink fairground for the International Cherry Blossom Festival, with amusement rides and blossom-themed events. I miss it. The trees were always so beautiful. Especially at night. And I loved sitting beneath them when the wind would blow the petals away.

“I never fit in well with others. I’ve always been reluctant in new places, believing them to be indifferent to how everyone and everything else treated me. Because I was different. With the cherry blossoms, I found…” Your throat closed like a fist, and hurt crawled into your chest; talons writing burning marks.

It wasn’t easy to convey something which could not be conveyed in words. It was in your bones, and could only be felt in those same bones.

Pain’s language was pure presence—pure feeling. Like reading braille. One would have to reach into you and feel the cracks on your bones, the rough texture of uneasy healing in order to understand.

“Solace…” Peter murmured. He looked at you differently this time. A wound recognized another wound.

Vision blurred, you met his eyes.

“I know.” He spoke so softly, with so much understanding it proved a balm to your raw nerves. “My label was ‘broken’.”

“How did you…?”

“Cope?” He lifted his brow. “My solace was black widows nested in a vent. They fascinated me. Comforted me in how misunderstood they were. Like you and I. But then I was take—” Peter cut himself off, swallowing hard, tendons swollen as scratches in his neck. “Forgive me. Memory is a rope around the neck.”

Taken?

“Can you do something for me?” This time, he looked straight on as if to appear indifferent to anyone watching. “I want to show you something, but I am unable to without your help.”

“What is it?” You asked, mirroring his action.

“Meet me after the children are asleep. The infirmary.” He tucked his hands behind his back, and left your side.

Doors shutting, and keys jangling in the locks resounded in the hall. The children were put in their rooms, numbered like their wrists.

You waited in yours, the infirmary, for Peter. What would he ask you to do? Why did it need to be in private?

The door opened, and Peter slipped through.

You strode toward him. “Peter, what’s this about?”

He held his index finger to his plush lips. “Softly.”

“Peter…”

He lowered his hand. “This place is a prison, Y/N.” He spoke slowly in his mellow tone. He wanted to emphasize each word, their importance—to sew them into you. Intricate patterns required the most steady needle. “Everyone here is a prisoner, not just the children, but the guards, too. You. Me.”

Your eyebrows squished together, and you looked down. Words evaded your mind as sudden coldness pricked your core. You hugged yourself, cupping your elbows.

“You may have a home to leave to at the end of the day, but they will always have you—body, and mind, like they do me. And they will kill you.”

You looked back up to him, eyes wide.

“Or electrocute you into mental paralysis if they so choose. What they do here will always be above your life, no matter what you do for them.”

Your stomach quivered, and sweat leaked from the lines of your palms. You believed him. Why else would he approach you with this? The government was always fucked—you didn’t need a reminder, but you never thought, as a nurse, you’d end up in this end of it.

“I’m not trying to scare you.” Peter gently took your hand in both of his, squeezing in promise. “I want to free you from this hell, and the children.” He lifted his brow. “They don’t belong here. You’ve seen, day after day, the brutality. I’ve lived it, too, and they don’t want to let me go. But you can help me, and I can help you.”

They hurt him? Christ. Your heart stuttered at the thought. “What you said before in the rainbow room, or…almost did. Were you…” You winced. “Taken by them?”

“A long time ago, when I was Henry Creel.” He released your hand, leaving a shadow of his warmth on your cold body. “They took my name, and then they took something else from me.”

He angled his head, and drew his hair back, exposing his neck. He touched a scar there—or, rather, what was below it—in him. Something the size and shape of a pill. He was able to push on it, and it rolled up beneath his skin. “Brenner calls it Soteria. It weakens me, tracks me.”

“You want me,” you said softly. “To take it out?”

Peter angled his head back and looked at you, but you saw Henry Creel. Eyes blue as Morning Glory flowers, softened by his silent pleading from the weariness of being Peter Ballard.

He had been bound to these eyeless walls, and the colors of him were flushed white—his individuality and freedom taken. All he had left was that yellow light, that sunlight you always saw radiating from him. What else could he do but try to cling to a color that meant warmth when he never received it in any form. All he had left was the meaning.

You released a breath you had been holding. “Okay.”

“Remember, you can’t hurt me more than they already have.” Henry lay on the bed, and pulled his belt from his waist, bending it into a loop to bite between his teeth.

On a stool, you sat next to him, holding a scalpel. He angled his head, exposing his neck again, and you leaned to him, brushing your fingertips along his skin to push his hair away. You touched the edge of the scalpel to the scar, glancing up at Henry with a silent apology before you drew a clean slit.

He shut his eyes as you had to trace the incision with the blade once more, due to the thick scar tissue. Blood drooled out from the cut, and you switched the scalpel for tweezers.

As you dipped them into the wound, Henry stiffened, and the cords in his neck bulged. You massaged the pill-like device upwards as you pushed the tweezers deeper to grab it.

Henry bared his teeth, and you imagined they’d leave imprints in the leather of his belt.

You clamped the tweezers down on Soteria, and pulled it out. Slick with blood, you held it up in front of you, brow furrowed. What did this thing do? Why did Henry need to be weakened? Did the other orderlies have one?

Henry relaxed beside you, letting the belt fall from his mouth. He worked his jaw, loosening it. His tolerance for pain made your heart heavy. Why did he have to go through so much of it?

He moved to sit at the edge of the bed, his eyes bearing into the device trapped in the jaws of the tweezers. “Who knew such a small thing could be a nuisance.” He grabbed Soteria from the tweezers, and stood from the bed, unconsciously walking away as he admired the device as though it were a rare jewel.

He looked over his shoulder at you, his thumb and index fingers patchy with his own blood. The sunlight in him was brighter than before. “Now I can show you.”

Henry walked you to the doors of the rainbow room, but he trailed behind, letting you approach first.

You turned to him—him, standing there all proper again, hands hidden behind him. Your incredulous look made him smile. He gestured forward with a nod, encouraging you.

Reluctant, you faced the doors, and your spine grew sensitive under his gaze. What could there be to show in here? You grabbed the handle and pulled.

Then you felt a cool breeze, and heard the wind ruffle branches, heavy with billowy pink blossoms. You drew in a breath, and the slightest, sweet smell, faintly of lilacs, caressed your lungs.

You stood in a tunnel of Cherry Blossom trees. Looking up, a blue sky veined the pink canopy.

Like making a wish on a dandelion clock, the petals blew away from their branches, and drifted around you as pink snow.

It was exactly as you remembered it—as if you had stepped into the memory itself. Third Street Park in Macon.

Happiness—golden, wonderful happiness gave you wings. You felt so light on your feet.

But as you looked around, you didn’t see Henry, and your smile faded. Your heart hesitated. “Henry?”

“I’m here.”

And then you were okay, relieved, at the sound of his voice—soft and comforting. Since you met him, you often felt strange, or abandoned, without his nearness. You had longed for people before, but not like this.

You turned, and he stepped toward you, holding all of his tenderness for you in his eyes. How blue, how much brighter they were because of you—like the wings of a morpho butterfly.

“How are you—how is this possible?”

Henry’s eyes dropped, and you looked down to his overturning wrist. He pulled away his sleeve, unveiling bolded numbering against a map of blue veins.

001.

You understood now. They took him because he was just like the children. Except, he was patient zero. The first of them.

You held his wrist, thumb grazing the numbers. Your brow furrowed as you remembered all his pain associated with that branding.

“It’s alright,” Henry murmured, reaching his free hand up to cup your face.

You nuzzled his hand, touching your lips to his palm.

Around you, petals gathered like snowflakes, carpeting the ground in pink. Some clung to your hair, and his golden waves.

He rested his forehead against yours, your noses kissing. “It’s you and me now. I’ll keep you safe.”

#henry creel x reader #peter ballard x reader #001 x reader #henry creel x fem!reader #henry creel imagine #peter ballard x fem!reader #peter ballard imagine #001 x fem!reader

[transgenderteensurvivalguide]

Lee says:

TransBucket has been an invaluable resource for me throughout my medical transition.

I would spend hours on the site looking at photos that I’d already seen because it helped me prepare for my own medical transition and it helped me feel like what I wanted was a possibility.

Seeing the ‘before and after’ photos from other trans people who had gotten top surgery and phalloplasty gave me so much hope at a time when I was really struggling with dysphoria and depression.

I’m someone who has benefited in ways that I can’t even fully express from the post-op community’s generosity. I don’t know if I would have the life that I have now without it.

After I had my top surgery and hysterectomy, I chose to upload my photos to TransBucket to give back to the community (in a small way) and help others as I had been helped.

This is largely why I hesitated in sharing photos of vulnerable moments depicting surgical healing, although I ultimately did upload several photos showing the early weeks and months of recovery.

I didn’t upload any photos after I had fully healed and gotten tattoos to hide my surgery scars because I was worried about my privacy, which is something I still struggle with, and I ultimately decided to not upload photos of my genitals after phalloplasty for the same reason.

While I always knew TransBucket was publicly accessible, the mention of the site in the news made me reconsider whether I wanted to continue having my images hosted there.

The site being down for the past couple of months has given me some pause, but today, 5+ years after getting top surgery and making my first TransBucket submission, I have gone back and deleted some (but not all) of my post-top surgery and post-hysterectomy images.

I’m still considering what the best way is for me to protect myself from transphobic cisgender people who might use my images in ways that are incompatible with my views and how I feel about my body, and also protect myself from some of the hate coming from within the community as many of the most hurtful comments about about post-op bodies like mine are often made by pre-op and non-op trans people.

I became a mod on this blog when I had just turned 16 and I had top surgery at 18. I shared things online that I probably wouldn’t have shared if I had been if I had become a mod at my current age in my early 20’s, but the internet is forever and I can’t take it all back, even if my feelings on my online privacy have changed.

I would like to encourage our followers to take a moment and reevaluate their internet privacy as well, and think about what things they’re comfortable with sharing going forward.

I’m not saying that you should delete your images from TransBucket specifically— I might even end up reuploading mine there at some point, with some redactions for privacy. But you should think about what photos you are okay with sharing online a lot longer and harder than I did.

All that said, I’d like to circle back to my original point— that TransBucket has been an incredible resource for me (and many others) and it continues to be one of the first things that I recommend to anyone who is considering gender-affirming surgery (and is not a minor in the jurisdiction in which they reside as the site hosts images of genitals and it is against the terms of service for minors to join).

I would like to thank the admin of @transbucket for all the work they’ve done, and encourage our followers to assist them if they are able to:

#Lee says #transbucket #trans #transgender #top surgery #phalloplasty #hysterectomy #hysto #phallo #medical transitioning #post-op

[theoasiswinds]

Update time!

Hey darlings! I have 2 commissions left and then I am all caught up! Super excited, sorry I haven't been posting a lot of art here, a lot of work I've recently done is private. I've only had time to sketch and do commissions, I've been busy with a mom routine.

Anyhow for update, my surgery for now is being postponed, since we found out my son also needs a small surgery. It's nothing major I believe he has his pre-op today. And then we'll find out when he will have his surgery. And I need to be there for him 100% and once he is healed and ready to be his happy energy filled self again, I'll schedule my surgery.

Now an update on my health, I still have issues with the endometriosis, but since I changed my diet and mind you, I still eat forbidden foods when I'm weak... Not often but stress makes me want bread.... I'm weak. ... Ahem. But for sure I've had no coffee since I posted about the diet change, that's a big one since the medicine stays in my gut longer to be more effective so that helps with my thyroid and i feel so much better, also changing my diet has helped my the autoimmune and my stomach isn't as swollen any more, and my feet and hands aren't swollen anymore, and bigger plus, it's rare for my hands to shake as before so I can do more traditional art again without worrying about shaking hands. I don't have pain every time I eat and that's helped with the endometriosis since there is less pressure, so that's really cool. Still need surgery, but it's not as painful therefore not as urgent.

As for my book, I'm still working on it and also have ordered some custom merchandise for it like stickers, keychains and magnets, but I'm actually looking into making my own stickers because I want high quality big huge stickers..... So I'll be dabbling into that soon hopefully. And do special MPO gift give away as well.

Again sorry for not posting as much art as before, I do hope everything goes smoothly enough to post more art and fan art as well.

As always you guys thank you so much for all your support! It means so much to me and my small family!

#oasiswinds #update #also i send hugs and love #stay happy

[pteroducktyll]

FtM Hysto Recovery + Tips (Plus general tips for dealing with low/no spoons or recovering from any surgery)

I haven't been on Tumblr for years, but recently re-joined to check out art, as I start to work on getting my idea for a graphic novel off the ground (as well as getting serious about improving my art again). However, I'm hoping these first few posts get found by an entirely different audience. This is being written in 2023.

I'm going in for a laparoscopic hysterectomy on Thursday (today is Monday) and want to share my experience, as much as spoons will allow, so that other people can hopefully benefit in the future. I, personally, have struggled to find things online that fit my situation as a trans man with a history of pre-cancerous pap smears, abnormal bleeding, PID and ovarian cysts (but not PCOS). Although hysterectomies for "GRS" or gender affirming surgery purposes are easy to get where I live, mine in particular is primarily being done to avoid cancer and to stop the abnormal bleeding and random debilitating pain that comes out of nowhere every few years and upends my life for weeks/months. So if you're someone facing the prospect of a laparoscopic hysterectomy, regardless of your gender identity, and have a history of medical issues (but not PCOS or endometriosis) in your reproductive region, this blog may help you! Or, alternatively, if you're a trans man looking to get a laparoscopic hysterectomy, whether or not you've had issues in that region, this might help you, too!

It should be noted that this is written from the perspective of someone in their 30s with a complicated medical history, including Type 2 Diabetes and a very rare kidney disease (which has an average life expectancy of 29 years for men, but we aren't sure how it affects trans men), so the pre-surgery process I've been through is not the typical one. I also have chronic pain and know from my past experiences with very severe pain that a) I have a low tolerance for any pain beyond what I deal with day-to-day and b) I have a high tolerance for opiate pain medication, which means it takes a higher dose for me to address the level of pain that a lower dose would address in someone else. These both affect the length of time that I'll likely need to be on painkillers, and how functional I'll be while I'm on them. This, in turn, affects how quickly I'll be able to do things like return to work and driving.

I should also note that although it's common in some places for this surgery to be completed as day surgery, my jurisdiction almost always keeps people in overnight; this is because it takes almost 24 hours for the anesthetic to work its way out of your system, and until it does they won't have a true indication of your pain levels and, therefore, won't be able to make sure it's adequately controlled before sending you home. It's much easier (in my experience, and according to the doctors!) to stop you from having pain in the first place than to get it under control once you do.

Also, I live with my partner and a roommate, and my retired parents are about 90 minutes away and have a guest room. My support network isn't huge, but it's high quality. My partner managed to get 3 days off work for my surgery and the 2 days following, and after that is on a light workload for about a week in case she needs to take care of me. She also has a lot of flexibility with her job, and her boss really likes me, so if there are complications or she needs to spend more time at home to look after me, I don't think it's completely out of the question. All of this is to say that I'm going into this surgery from a very privileged place, in terms of not having to do much to look after myself in the aftermath. My surgeon did advise me, however, to take 1 week (for sure) off work if I could, and that I may need a second week. My work consists of two research jobs that draw heavily on my brain power, but don't require me to move around at all, especially as I work from home, so the issue is the painkillers, rather than actual healing time. Other jobs will require different amounts of time off work.

Because I'm neurodivergent and like to have as many details as possible about ... literally everything, I'm going to make this as detailed as I can. Essentially, I'm hoping to share everything I know and experience without leaving anything out. If it's too much detail for you, I'm going to be doing my best to include useful headers.

Notification of Surgery & Lead-up

I received notice about my surgery just over a month before my surgery date; it was around June 26th that I was emailed and told my surgery would be on August 3rd. I had previously met my surgeon in January, and was told it would be a 6-8 month wait until surgery. Between that appointment and being given my surgery date, I'd had bloodwork done, as well as an internal ultrasound. I've had several internal ultrasounds before and while they are far from pleasant, they are not as dysphoria-inducing for me as they are for other trans men, I'm sure. I am more physically uncomfortable during them than mentally/spiritually uncomfortable.

In the notification email, my surgeon sent additional attachments; about 200 pages of information from a) their office specifically and b) the health authority [one document about hysterectomies, one document about recovering from surgery in general]. These documents answered most of my questions, and also had instructions about fasting, pre-surgery instructions (there's a special sponge I have to buy and use the night before surgery and the morning of surgery) and recovery information. The documents were very generic, and because they came from different sources, the information was sometimes contradictory. I, personally, took the information on board in this order of trustworthiness:

Things my surgeon had said in-person during my consultation appointment in January

Things included in the information from my surgeon's office directly

Things included in the documents from the health authority

If there were contradictions that seemed extremely important (e.g. one document said to wash everything my face with the special sponges, while another said, in all caps, to absolutely NOT wash my head or face with the sponges), I followed-up with the surgeon's office or the most appropriate person (e.g. pharmacist).

Pre-surgery Appointments

Because of my medical history (diabetes and Alport's Syndrome), I had an extra step in here. My surgeon required me to have a consultation with my internal medicine doctor's clinic (but not with my specialist) to get the all-clear and make sure my risk level wasn't too high. This doctor made some assumptions about the medications I'm taking, which led him to think I had both diabetes and a heart condition, which would have put me in a much higher risk category. Because of that, he ordered extra bloodwork, and an ECG, and booked a follow-up with me for a few days later. That initial appointment with him ended on the assumption that the surgery likely would be postponed. However, the bloodwork and ECG all came back fine, and at the follow-up he gave me the all-clear and said my risk wasn't very high at all.

I had a few other pre-surgery appointments.

One was with the surgeon. In my case, the doctor actually doing my surgery is a resident colleague of the surgeon I initially consulted with. Now that I had a specific date for the surgery, and my life situation had changed a bit since the consultation (e.g. work), I asked to meet with the surgeon to ask questions that had come up since the initial consultation, and so that I could meet the person who would be cutting into me and make sure I was comfortable with her. She answered all my questions really well, and it turned out I was more comfortable with her than the original surgeon. This was a quick 5-10 minute talk, but I highly recommend asking for it, even if your surgeon hasn't changed. You'll have another chance to talk to your surgery just before being wheeled into the OR, but you'll be nervous and may be medicated by then, and it's just nice to have this conversation ahead of time and in an environment where you can look at a list of questions you've written down, and actually pay attention to the answers.

The hospital required another two appointments before surgery:

The pharmacist

About a week before my surgery, the pharmacist called for 5-10 minutes to discuss my current medications, supplements, vitamins and holistic medicines (if I were taking any) and to find out what time of day I take them at. Easy peasy.

2. The anesthetist

Exactly a week before my surgery, the anesthetist called to discuss the operation itself and the anesthetic. I'm not sure if the doctor I talked to will be the anesthetist who is actually in the room with me, or if it was just her job that particular day to call and get the information that will get passed onto the one who will be in the room. She was very nice, and explained the method of anesthesia, as well as how I'll likely feel when I wake up, etc. She also saw on my chart that I have a history of chronic pain, and zeroed in on my back and shoulder. She asked if there are any positions that make me more comfortable, and then explained the position I'd be in for my surgery -- tipped back toward my head -- and that this sometimes gives people back and shoulder pain even if they don't have any to begin with. She said my arms would be alongside my body, fairly tight to it, and I said that would be fine. I practiced laying them beside my body later that day and promptly discovered that's actually pretty painful for one arm, but I'll mention that when I get there and hope for the best! If I was having the conversation again, I'd answer by saying I wasn't sure how that would feel but that I'd practice it before the surgery day to see, and then ask who I could talk to if it turned out there's a better position or if that one wouldn't work. Ultimately though, the surgery should be 1.5 hours to 4 hours at most, so I'm not overly concerned. What you should take away from this if you're having this surgery and don't already have back/shoulder pain is that you might wake up with some, but that it should go away in a day or maybe a little less. This type of surgery also requires the surgeon to inflate your belly with gas in order to make room for the scopes and so that they can see what they're doing. That gas can stick around for a day, sometimes two, according to the anesthetist and can be a little bit painful or uncomfortable. I can't remember anything else that came out of this conversation.

In terms of pre-surgery appointments, that was it.

Tips and Tricks for Being Prepared

The next little bit is information I acquired through talking to my therapist (who's had several laparoscopic surgeries!) and many hours of research online, as well as living as a person who often has few spoons.

Get your first 1-2 weeks of meals planned and ready in advance. For me, this means I've picked up a large number of cans of Alphaghetti-type foods, and I'll be buying as many frozen meals as I can but have VERY little freezer room because my partner and I share with our tenant. Other options include things like HelloFresh, identifying nights when it will be easier for your partner if you order food in (if you can afford to), making big batches of food leading up to surgery while you're well and then freezing them, creating a list of meals you'd appreciate friends bringing over [remind them to bring them in disposable containers, so you don't have to feel guilty when it takes you weeks to get the containers back to them!], etc

Buy some Depends/adult diapers. I bought store brand (Life brand, specifically, which is Canadian) ones. The only ones I could get were maximum absorbency unless I wanted to pay twice the price for name brand ones, but I suspect I could do with a minimum absorbency one. I bought the underwear-style ones. In the store brand, they don't look very underwear-like at all, but if you have more money to spend, some of the name brand ones look convincingly like underwear! I also bought 'Unisex' ones, but would have bought womens if the unisex ones weren't an option; I suspect the mens' might have a built-in bulge area that would be awkward for me. The point of the adult diapers is that their 'waistband' is not a traditional waistband -- it's about 8" tall, very thin, and crinkle-cut so that it doesn't put pressure on your skin. This will stop you from having clothing pushing on your incision sites. BONUS is that they ARE absorbent, so you won't have to also wear pads to deal with discharge (which can, apparently, last for 6 weeks). Try the Depends on for a day a few days before surgery. Yes, it will be awkward and you'll feel silly. I am literally sitting in bed, with nothing wrong with me, wearing nothing but an adult diaper and a tee shirt while my partner's at work. But this has 2 purposes: 1) chances are you haven't worn these before, and you want to make sure you've got the most comfortable ones you can in terms of fit and style; 2) if you've worn them once already, it'll be familiar when you go to put it on when you're ready to leave the hospital; you'll know which side is the back and which side is the front, and the 'weirdness' of wearing them will be less unsettling. You're going to have other weird stuff going on, this doesn't have to be yet another weird thing happening!

If you live alone or your partner doesn't (or can't) change the sheets, layer sheets on the bed. That's right, layer your mattress with bottom sheets. That way, you can peel the top one off and have a cleaner sheet beneath it. It won't be the same as being able to sleep on a fresh, clean sheet straight out of the cupboard or dryer, but it's going to be better than the one you've slept, sweat or, universe forbid, bled on.

Get a LEAKPROOF (truly) travel mug with a handle. After surgery you'll have maybe one comfortable position to lay in. You're not going to want to get out of that position to retrieve your water, but you're also going to need to be drinking a lot of water (it helps you recover, and also helps get your bowels moving again). Being able to lose your water in the bed is a luxury, but a necessary one. I got mine at Winners for pretty cheap.

Get a nightie or onesie. I usually sleep naked. I don't really own pyjamas -- when I need to cover up to sleep (like when I visit friends or travel), I throw on a pair of joggers, or boxer briefs. But those both have waistbands and, remember, we're trying to avoid waistbands. I ordered a sleep shirt from Oodie, which was on sale, but still expensive (I paid around $60, including 1-2 business day shipping because I didn't think of it until the last minute), as well as a halloween one-sie from Old Navy that's apparently leftover from last year's halloween stock. I'm expecting the onesie to be way too hot, but I need something I can wear out in public in case I have to get groceries, or pick something up at the pharmacy, or stand outside because the building's burning, without exposing myself. I also borrowed a robe to go over the sleep shirt when I leave the hospital.

Have whoever's picking you up bring 2 pillows. One goes between your abdomen and the seatbelt, and you sit on the other one.

Have whoever's picking you up bring fast food. When you leave the hospital you're going to either be ravenously hungry or feel like you never want to eat again. Either way, fast food is going to be the one thing you didn't realize you needed so badly in your life until that moment. Your body's going to be craving carbs and fat, and fat is also what's going to help your pain pills kick in.

Have ice cream, chips or other junk food on hand. This is mostly so that you have something to eat when you take your pain pills. Fatty foods help opiates work faster; as someone who takes them several times a month for chronic pain, I've sometimes noticed a difference of -hours- between taking them with fatty foods and taking them on their own.

Get a walking aid. We use our abdomens for everything. If you don't already have something like a cane, pick one up. Keep the receipt though; if you don't end up using it, you can usually take them back. With that said, my therapist said it's at about the 2 week mark when you feel like you actually need one. If you don't have a cane but you have walking/hiking sticks, dig them out and keep them handy.

Grab some baby wipes. You can get laparoscopic incisions wet, but that doesn't mean you're going to feel like you have the energy or endurance to shower right away. You're still going to want to keep your pits and bits clean.

If you take daily medications, organize them in a pill organizer. Things can get confusing when you're on painkillers, or when a partner is dishing out your meds. You know exactly how many you take, and how often, so the best way to approach this is to get a pill organizer and get all your doses for a week ready before your surgery. Monday AM, Monday PM, Tuesday AM, Tuesday PM, that kind of thing. There's nothing worse than being on painkillers and trying to remember if you've already taken That Very Important Medication You Can't Miss or not. Or, worse, not even realizing you've missed something that can give you withdrawal symptoms, and suddenly waking up a few days after surgery feeling worse than you've ever felt in your life and wondering if you need to go to the ER, only to have it turn out that you missed your meds.

Buy something for yourself that you can look forward to. I bought a video game that I've wanted for a couple of years that was finally on sale. I haven't touched it, and won't until sometime after surgery when I feel up to it. Giving yourself a little reward when you're going through something hard is always nice.

If you're diabetic...take a minute before your surgery to remind your partner/anyone you live with/anyone who's going to be looking after you about how and when to check your blood sugars, what numbers are abnormal for you, and what to do about them. Being ill or recovering from a surgery can really throw your diabetes out of whack, even if it's well-controlled beforehand, and recovering from surgery might make you feel a lot of the same symptoms you'd feel from a hypo/hyper or DKA, so make sure you (or someone else) test your sugars regularly and have things on hand to deal with abnormal or worrying results.

Take your phone everywhere. Painkillers (and pain) can make us unsteady. As someone who's taken a fall and had to wait hours for my partner to wake up and find me and help me back to my feet (and then bed), I don't recommend it.

These are the things I know about pre-surgery, but I'll try to update...eventually if I learn anything new post-surgery.

#transmasc #trans guy #trans man #transmasculine #ftm trans #surgery #medical stuff #hysto #hysterectomy #disability

[scruffyplayssonic]

Are the ArchieSonic comics actually an 80's/90's syndicated cartoon? Episode 46: Unusually serious "drugs are bad" episode.

Welcome back to my look at the ArchieSonic comic series, and how it shared a lot of the same story tropes as a typical ‘80s or ‘90s syndicated cartoon! Well friends, it’s finally time. Today we need to discuss A Very Special Episode.

Episode 46: Unusually serious "drugs are bad" episode.

I have three words for you: Lemon. Sundrop. Dandelion. Yes, we’re finally going to talk about one of Ken Penders’ more infamous stories. But then again, does the word infamous become redundant after a certain point? Does anyone have a count of how many infamous stories Penders wrote? A lot. There’s a lot. Anyway, let’s talk about The Chaotix Caper!

Taking place in Knuckles #13 - 15, the Chaotix Caper chronicled the Chaotix’s efforts to keep the Floating Island safe while Knuckles was busy on the planet's surface, guiding the Lost Tribe to the promised land (long story). Our favourite detectives (pre-detective days) had their hands full investigating cases of food poisoning, while also having former Dark Legionnaire Julie-Su thrust on them. This put a lot of stress on the team as Julie-Su had supposedly betrayed them to Kragok several issues prior during the return of Enerjak. While Espio and Mighty were willing to give her the benefit of the doubt, considering that Kragok had ordered her to execute them and she’d left them alive with a chance to escape, Vector was not having it and took every opportunity he could to pick a fight with her.

The story opened with a cab driver named Harry discovering Charmy in an alley screaming for help, as his best friend Mello was having what appeared to be a seizure. Harry rushed them to the hospital as quickly as he could but the doctors were unable to save Mello. Constable Remington and the Chaotix showed up quickly afterwards, hearing that a patient resembling Charmy had been brought in. To their surprise, they discovered that Charmy had been able to change his size to that of a typical (albeit short) Mobian this entire time, but had never done so around them for some reason.

…that's suspiciously retcon-ny, but okay, whatever. 

In Remington’s office, Charmy explained that his friend Mello had convinced him to go to the newly reopened Happyland amusement park with him. The rest of the Chaotix were surprised to hear this, as Happyland was where the Chaotix had first been formed after Renfield T. Rodent and Dr. Robotnik had used it to imprison the Freedom Fighters and depower Knuckles. But Charmy explained:

After Charmy had told his story, Remington explained that Charmy had been a number of similar cases to what had happened to Mello recently, with numerous children being found with Lemon Sundrop Dandelion poisoning. Yes, subtle. 

…okay, admittedly it was subtle enough that I didn’t notice it back when I first read this at the tender and naive age of 15. :P

Don't ask me why Jughead Jones is a doped-up echidna child now, because I have no idea.

At any rate, Remington asked the Chaotix to go investigate Happyland, and all of them except for Julie-Su showed an astounding lack of common sense when they decided to eat something at a place where they suspected the food was laced with drugs.

The results are predictable:

And thus the titular Chaotix were effectively written out of the rest of the story as they were all admitted to hospital.

We even got to see a rather gory page of Charmy in surgery.

Thanks for that, Kenny P.

The story then became about Julie-Su and Remington tracking down the bad guys who were lacing the chilli dogs, with Mighty, Espio and Vector only recovering towards the end, just in time to join the fight against Downtown Ebony Hare’s forces.

As for Charmy, he was busy having flashback lore dumps.

Turned out that he was actually the Prince and heir to the throne of the Goldenhive Colony, who ran away to the Floating Island because he didn’t want the responsibility. At the end of the story he returned to Goldenhive to accept his birthright and return Mello’s body to his parents.

And thus Charmy was written out of the book completely for six whole years, except for one story where Knuckles asked him for help after everyone on the Floating Island was trapped in another dimension by the Dark Legion.

…no, I’m still not going to explain why Knuckles is green.

So look, I don’t want this to devolve into another Penders rant, especially since I did that in the previous post. …but that’s pretty much what’s going to happen, so let’s all just try to come to terms with it. :) 

So, the whole drugged chili dogs plot point in this story. Was Penders intentionally trying to make A Very Special Episode? If he was then he really didn’t accomplish that. My understanding of the A Very Special Episode trope is that the point is to highlight the dangers of drugs and show the character struggling to overcome their addiction. But none of the characters ate the laced chilli dogs knowing what they were, and despite Remington saying that the unnamed victims had become addicted to Lemon Sundrop Dandelion overnight, we didn’t actually see anyone struggling with addiction. Granted this is a Sonic the Hedgehog comic book for kids, so that kind of thing would have been bizarrely out of place. ...more than what we got already was.

Even ignoring the weird drugs angle, the story has plenty of other problems. The biggest one to me is the way the Chaotix are used (or rather, they were are not used) in a story named after them. They very stupidly ate food that they knew might be drugged - seriously, that has got to be one of the dumbest choices any character ever made in the entire ArchieSonic series, and it’s an insult to their intelligence that the writer thought any of them would do that.

…okay, maybe modern day Charmy would be dumb enough, but this story came out before he was retconned back into childhood. Anyway this is a problem we saw a lot with Penders’ writing, where he sidelined the SEGA and SatAM cast in favour of using his own original characters instead. The Chaotix were definitely some of the characters who got the most neglect under his pen, in my opinion. But don't just take my word for it - this is a list of the Chaotix’s appearances from their introduction in 1996’s Knuckles’ Chaotix special up to this story, which came out four years later:

In the Knuckles’ Chaotix special the team was introduced (although Vector had already been introduced prior in the Triple Trouble special). They helped fight Metal Sonic and then played a game of tag.After that they were kidnapped by Archimedes. They remained in his custody until the first issue of the Knuckles mini-series, which came out five months later, and immediately afterwards they were captured and brainwashed by Enerjak until Knuckles saved the day.

In the Super Sonic vs. Hyper Knuckles special, Knuckles discussed his fears of the Floating Island falling out of the sky with Mighty, and asked him to guard the island while he tried to get another Chaos Emerald as a backup power source.

In the Sonic-Quest mini series, the Chaotix helped Knuckles fight off the giant Burrobots that tried to steal the two Chaos Emeralds on the island.

In Sonic #50 Espio used his stealth to restrain Sonic, who had been framed for murdering Princess Sally. After that misunderstanding was cleared up, Knuckles asked Espio to gather the rest of the Chaotix and guard the island while he went to help Sonic.

In Knuckles #1 - 3, Knuckles and the Chaotix were captured by the Dark Legion. They escaped and foght the Legion in their underground base.

In Knuckles #4 - 6 Vector fought a Legionaire that turned out to be Julie-Su. Knuckles, Archimedes and Julie-Su went to investigate seismic activity nearby while the Chaotix were told to stand by and wait for Knuckles to call them if he needs help.

In Knuckles #7 - 9, the Chaotix were captured offpage by the Dark Legion (or Enerjak himself, probably). They attempted to escape but were knocked out by Julie-Su and left tied to stakes in the desert to die before being rescued by Knuckles.

In Knuckles 10 - 12, the Chaotix discussed whether or not Julie-Su had reformed. They were then summoned by Constable Remington, who told them that they’d been deputised to guard the island in Knuckles’ absence and that Julie-Su would be working with them.

Can you see the problem? While they got to take part in a few battles, the Chaotix as written by Penders mostly existed to either be kidnapped or to play offscreen guard dogs. At the time it came out I was really looking forward to The Chaotix Caper, because I thought that we’d finally get to see them get a chance to properly shine. But no, they were once again taken out of the action and the comic became The Adventures of Constable Remington and Julie-Su.

If you want another example, scroll back up and look at the covers for these three issues. Remington and Julie-Su are both front and centre on the cover of issue #14 - they've hijacked the story from the Chaotix. Also, while Julie-Su is featured on the covers for both issues 14 and 15, Espio doesn't appear on any of the three covers.

And then there's Charmy being written out of the story entirely. I have no idea why Penders decided to get rid of him - the only explanation I can think of is that maybe he thought Knuckles had too many friends and he (Penders) didn’t know what to do with them. But instead of cutting back on his precious OCs, of course he decided to get rid of an official SEGA character. A SEGA character who’d only appeared in one game at that point, but a SEGA character nonetheless.

Things wouldn’t really get any better for the Chaotix after this story either, with them mostly being side characters only making occasional appearances as the focus shifted more and more to Penders' beloved Brotherhood of Guardians. Mighty and Espio would eventually get their own backup stories in the book, but by then it was too little too late and the Knuckles series was cancelled around that time.

There’s other things I could talk about too, such as Knuckles being mostly absent from his own comic book except for brief cameos when his father and grandfather spied on him fighting a biker gang...

...or how on the nose the gangster Downtown Ebony Hare was...

...or the creative team's weird pitch for an echidna Rugrats reboot.

...no, I don't know what they were thinking either. Perhaps they were taking some of that Lemon Sundrop Dandelion themselves. :P Anyway, I think I’ve probably ranted long enough. 

Were there any other unusually serious “Drugs are bad,” stories in ArchieSonic that I missed? What did you think of The Chaotix Caper? Let me know in the comments! Next time we’ll be going into space again for episode 47: evil alien invasion!

#archiesonic syndicated

[lifeinkinder]

Stuff and things in no particular order and all random.

My Christmas present to myself was a Google nest hub thing - not the expensive one, but the on sale one. So I moved the old nest to the nursery since we spend a ton of time in there anyway.

I lowered the crib mattresses today. While neither baby is able to sit without someone putting them that way, Tiny Sir has decided he's going to start trying to use the sides to pull himself to sitting. So down go the mattresses - they'll be 9 months Friday, so it was time anyway (we have mini cribs, so the highest level isn't really that high).

Tiny Sir is having a sleep regression. It's incredibly frustrating, not really because he's waking up multiple times a night but because he's waking up and doesn't want me to hold him but also doesn't want to be in his bed. Squish just had a sleep regression a couple of weeks ago, so I knew his was coming.

My daycare is closing on Friday. This isn't new news, I've known since October and the babies have a new daycare lined up to get us through the rest of the school year and then a second new daycare lined up for when they turn 15 months old to get us either until they turn 3 or start kindergarten (the daycare isn't where we live so if tiny Sirs EI family plan thing needs to become an IEP when he ages out of EI, they'll have to change daycares - also if squish ever needs EI/eventually an IEP). The point of this was though, I'm really sad about it. I love their teachers they have been the most amazing people who have loved my babies and have done so much to be proactive and protective of little man's health pre and post surgery. And most importantly, the babies love their teachers. I know we will likely find that at their new center, but it's not the same. I had planned for them to stay at their daycare forever - seriously, they did a school age program, and I sure did plan for them to attend once they were in school.

Their new daycare has dumb rules that I don't love. Like you can only take your child if you're going to work or going to class. Like, no, I pay yall a lot of money; they will be going even when I'm out of school as long as yall aren't closed. How else will I ever accomplish anything?

I am deep cleaning and rearranging and purging my house this week. I accomplished one room today, but the goal tomorrow is 3 rooms.

[contentment-of-cats]

On bed rotting, a day of rest, and an anniversary.

I can't remember the last time I voluntarily spent the day in bed. My grandmother, born in 1906 spoke of 'taking to bed' - something the energetic but sickly child I was could not understand unless one was ill. As I grew older, weekends became productive time - to study, do homework, write papers, maintain my living space, run errands. The cup of life ran over and drowned the calendar. No rest, or precious little of it even as my body began to fail under a diagnosis of fibromyalgia in 2007. I'd had viral meningitis in 2004, and my immune system never turned off.

Then there came the time when all I could do was rest, but it was miserable instead of restorative. Sickness, growing debility that I tried to deny and rationalize and bring to a doctor. Then hospitalization, tests and scans, diagnosis, preparation, and Stage 4a aggressive treatment. I came home and would sleep until I had to wake up and take Zofran, or in the really bad cases Ativan, or Clonazipine in order not to vomit myself into dehydration. After surgery, nothing but bed. Unable to lift anything heavier than a gallon of milk from November to April.

Today is second Monday in November, the anniversary of my big surgery, the removal of six feet of colon and intestines followed by a resection that literally gave me a new asshole. They removed my uterus and ovaries where the cancer had begun to spread. They re-sectioned my left ureter and bladder because the cancer was spreading there, too. They placed a uretal stent while I healed. I had an ileostomy done so my stitched-together innards could close. Finally, they removed 22 lymph nodes of which seven were found to be precancerous or cancerous. They say you forget the pain, and to an extent that is true. You forget the physical sensation, but you never forget waking up screaming, passing out, waking up again, and begging to die.

I know what a ten on the pain scale is like now. It's been revised up and up. Just when I thought I knew ten, I found out differently. My torso is marked by scars that look as if they were drawn in black Sharpie. I'm in remission, and far from wanting to be the busy, productive person I used to be, I find that I don't want to be anything. With my mother's death in the spring, the burden of daughterhood to a cluster b disordered woman, of shepherding her through dementia as I shepherded myself through cancer was lifted. I grieved the mother I wished for and she could sometimes be, but I was relieved that this stranger who came to wear my mother's body was finally gone. She could rest, and now so can I now that her energy has returned to the universe.

I am still working, but I am selfish now. My weekends are just for me. Despite being in remission, I don't know how many more I will have. That makes them precious. I cook, make jewelry, and 'watch telly' as Gran used to say. It was while I was rotting in bed on Sunday - my pre-Recession habit revived - that I came upon this interview in the Washington Post. Susan Gubar was a formative writer of my teen years, a time when the ERA failed because the male-dominated worldview (with a pushback spearheaded by 'traditional' women) didn't think we needed more rights than we already had, if anything they thought we had too many.

The Madwoman in the Attic, For Adult Users Only: The Dilemma of Violent Pornography, No Man's Land: The Place of the Woman Writer in the Twentieth Century : The War of the Words all ended up in my mother's shelves - she laid claim to my library when I moved out. With her death, I now get them back, plus more. My ten boxes of books donated in the first spate of Swedish Death Cleaning are nothing compared to my mother's hoard of books over her 80+ years of life. On top of that there are the books that she borrowed from me, that somehow also became hers.

Susan Gubar is a cancer patient in remission, and I have downloaded her two books on cancer and survivorship. Memoir of a Debulked Woman: Enduring Ovarian Cancer, and Reading and Writing Cancer: How Words Heal. I plan to rot in bed this pre-Thanksgiving weekend, and read. Also of note, her recent book Still Mad: American Women Writers and the Feminist Imagination. I'm delighted to find her all over again, a writer whose 1979 work spoke to me as much as Virginia Woolf's 'A Room of One's Own.'

Hey. Mom had my copy of that, too, dangit.

Perhaps I can get my library back. A snapshot of myself circa 1991. I know she borrowed my Bell Hooks and Audre Lorde. Angela Davis was someone Mom knew somehow and bought her books on principle. I read a lot of Second and Third Wave feminism, queer theory, psychology, sci-fi, fantasy, and comic books. My first copy of 'Our Bodies: Ourselves' - Mom had to buy that one for me, the bookstore owner refused to sell it to me despite my being female I was not a woman. My old D&D guides.

Perhaps my remission Sundays need to be spent rotting in bed, rediscovering the voracious reader I was all those years, before the busy-ness of life nibbled my time away.

It's a resolution, voted, and carried.

#cancer #remission #identity #rotting in bed #time well spent #stuff and death

[clippy]

alluded to this on my side blog + Twitter but I'm gonna flat out say it here: I am currently having my first period in 6.5 years. T stopped them for me and I am HOPING this is because my gel dose is not a full dose atm (I haven't been able to get back into planned parenthood to get labs done to get the dose upped... It's really expensive out of pocket, but I'm hoping if I beg for a payment plan I can get one...)

Thankfully the flow is really really light at the moment + I was able to get a few pads from my work (they stock them in employee restrooms, so I can get some from the single stall ones) and my roommate had some she could spare but what sucks is I am getting all my PMS symptoms and generally Bad Feelings Of Menstruation all at once. I felt okay when I was at work but it has progressively gotten worse. I have felt weak and shakey and I unfortunately only have one day off for my current weekend and I am out of sick time so I have no clue what I'm gonna do tomorrow if I still feel this bad

Going to attempt to make phone calls tomorrow for getting HRT stuff sorted out (since I can't double my gel dose until blood work is done showing my levels are low (but not pre-T levels meaning I would need to go back to injections)) but it's so draining because I'm always on 30+ min holds when I call planned parenthood

But. Yeah. I am not doing well. I am in pain and depressed (because that is just something that always got worse when I was on my periods and this is no exception). My dysphoria is in high gear, which sucks because it's been almost non-existent since I had top surgery... The only plus side is this has finally pushed me to reach out to insurance about a hysterectomy so I'm hoping I can get that done ASAP once the new year rolls over for insurance purposes

I feel bad complaining about it since I haven't had one in so fucking long and there are tons of people who have worse ones than me but like. It's bad. It's so so bad.

Also while I was pre-T I would never fully disclose "oh I feel shitty today because I'm on my period" to male coworkers but I could confide with the women I worked with but now that I am stealth and (seemingly) the only transmasc person in my crew at work I just have to suffer in silence or just say it's a stomach ache which does not get the same understanding as period pain does from people who experience it

#menstruation / #guys i am suffering

[thatdamnmutt-exe]

Too Sweet • Charon (Fallout 3)

Plot:

Charon accidentally gets too horny after constantly watching his boss all day. After trying to ignore it, it becomes too much to bare for him.

Pairing:

Charon x Masc!OC (Name: Ren)

Warnings:

Pre Bottom Surgery Masc, Size Kink, Choking, Thigh Riding, Needy!Charon, Hickeys, Blow Job/Face Fucking, Praise, Spitting, and Gay Shit.

Extras:

Maybe I’m a gay lil homo boy for a big ghoul man.

Song:

Too Sweet • Hozier

“I’d rather take my whiskey neat.”

————————————————————————

“Charon, what do you think of this look? These road leathers fit better with my armor.” Ren asked his ghoul bodyguard who was looking around the store, watching others gather what they needed.

Charon grumbled, “Looks good boss.” He avoided looking at Ren. Today was just an off day for him- he felt overly… horny as the humans would say. He didn't understand why, he never feels this way.

Ever since last night when he accidently walked in on his boss changing from his shirt and into one of his own, something in him just clicked. Seeing his boss in his very clearly oversized shirts- god the memory made his pants even more tight. He was so thankful that he had armor on to cover it.

"You didn't even look. Charon, you've been weird all day? Are you doing okay?" Ren asked, concerned for his body guard. Charon grumbled out a 'I'm fine' before moving away to leave the store.

Ren watched, confusion clear on his face as he watched Charon leave. He made his way to pay for the outfit and quickly left the store. He looked around for Charon, calling his name a few times.

"Where did he go?" He moved over to the back of the building, only to be grabbed and pushed up against a wall. "Char-" Ren was cut off by rough lips against his while the other's hips ground against his own. A small moan fell between their lips, making Charon's pants to grow tighter. That small sound drove him mad.

"Ren... last night... fuck you looked so good in my clothes." Charon's hand moved to pin Ren's above his head, his other hand snaking under his shirt. Charon has never been more happy that Ren forgot to put his armor back on.

Charon's thigh moved to open Ren's legs as he moved his leg to grind against Ren's clothed pussy. "Get off on my leg." Charon commanded, his voice deep and raspy. Ren's body shivered as he felt himself pulse at Charon's voice.

"Yes, Charon." Ren breathed out before matching Charon's rhythm, his legs nearly going weak from the sudden spike of pleasure. Charon kept Ren up, absolutely loving how much bigger he was. He loved that he could hold Ren up and in place.

Ren's arms moved to wrap around Charon's neck, his face buried in the Ghoul's chest to muffle is whimpers and moans. He angled his hips a bit, hitting his clit better, sending his legs to shake. His climax slowly climbing as he moved a bit faster.

"C-Charon- can I cum?" His voice comes out muffled against Charon's chest. The words make Charon's eyes roll back, the fact that he could get Ren off by just his thigh, it made him feel so powerful for the first time in forever.

Charon grabbed Ren's neck, squeezing slightly as he tilt his head back before spitting in his mouth. Ren was caught off guard at first, but ended up swallowing. “Cum for me- Show me how good my thigh feels.”

Ren’s head spun as he felt his legs nearly give out as he came hard against Charon’s thigh. His grip on the ghoul tightened as his breath was shaky. “Charon!” He moaned against the ghoul’s chest, the sound muffled by the chest.

Charon held onto Ren until the smaller composed himself and moved himself to lean against the building. It had been awhile since Ren had done anything like that and it hit him hard.

He looked up at Charon, lust still in his eyes as he moved down to his knees. His hands moved to rest on Charon’s buckle, his eyes trained up at the ghoul, waiting for permission. Ren earned a grunt as a response, giving him all the permission he needed.

His fingers worked fast to undo the belt and throwing it to the side. He moved the pants low enough to reveal Charon’s decently sized dick. He takes it into his hands and slowly starts pumping, making the ghoul groan and move to rest his arm against the wall, leaning against it for support. “Just like that.” He huffed out while his eyes closed.

Ren moved his face closer before doing small licks against the tip, licking up all the precum. Within a second, Ren took most of the ghoul’s length into his mouth. He hallowed his cheeks and sucked a bit while his tongue focused on the tip. His hand pumping the rest of the shaft while his other hand massaged the balls.

Charon, who was unaware of just how skilled Ren was with his mouth, became a grunting mess at this new sensation. His free hand moved to grasp a handful of Ren’s hair to hold him in place before rocking his hips, face fucking his boss.

Ren gagged a bit and struggled to gain breath from Charon’s sudden harsh movements. As sudden as the actions were, they couldn’t help but turn Ren on more from how Charon manhandled him.

“Keep doing that- I’m going to-“ Before Charon could finish, he came down Ren’s throat, forcing the smaller to swallow it all. It was bitter, as to be expected. Ren didn’t pay attention to that, he was too focused on making sure he sucked out the last drop.

Charon slowly started to let Ren out of his grasp, allowing him to breathe. Ren moved to stand and lean against the wall, his head spinning from the lack of oxygen.

Before Ren could say anything more, an arm wrapped around his waist and held him close. Ren looked up and was met with Charon’s eyes. They were full of need, lust, love, confusion, and desire. The ghoul was very unfamiliar with this territory, but what he did know was that he wanted to explore it more with Ren.

“Charon?” Ren’s voice broke the silence, his voice scratchy and hoarse. Charon didn’t answer, he instead pulled Ren closer, kissing him deeply as he did.

Ren understood what Charon was trying to tell- show- him what he was feeling and thinking. He smiled in the kiss as his heart fluttered. He loved the Ghoul with his whole heart.

————————————————————————

“My coffee black in my bed at 3,

you’re too sweet for me.”

#Spotify #fallout #fallout 3 #fallout charon #charon fallout #charon fallout 3 #fallout 3 charon #charon x lone wanderer #charon x male oc #charon x male #charon gay #charon gay smut #fallout 3 charon gay smut #charon x male lone wondered #charon smut #fallout 3 charon smut #fallout charon smut #ghoul smut #i’m gay for the ghoul #i like my men radiated