#and I was ment to get surgery on my back in a month's time

[zorosleftmantit101]

Law x Reader

Law and order

Law x gn reader

A/N: Laws a cootie patootie but i’d peg him

C/W: swearing, corny, spelling mistakes, unedited. 

The day was slow and quiet. You sat at the front desk of the bookstore, sipping your tea, watching the clouds roll over the setting sun. Lost in thought, you barely noticed the chime at the door alerting you to a new customer. Your attention drew to the man that had entered the store. He was tall and skinny, with a coat over his broad shoulders and black hair that framed his tan face. Sharp features and strong arms complimented his physique. You felt the air stolen from your lungs as his gaze locked with yours feeling heat crawl up your cheeks.

The man walked towards you, placing a rather large sword beside him, dragging you out of your trance he spoke up. "Excuse me, you wouldn't happen to have a book called 'Atlas of advanced surgery' by any chance?" His voice was deep and flat, seeming almost uninterested. Shooting out of your seat, you flush at your enthusiasm to help the handsome stranger. "I um," walking out from behind the desk, you beckoned him to follow you. "I'm not 100 per cent sure if we have the exact copy you're looking for." You whispered, "majority of our educational books get donated to local schools."

Taking a turn with him still trailing behind you, you walk down a collum of books. "though I believe," you reached up to pick a book off the shelf you stopped at. "here we are "Atlas of advanced surgery'" you handed the book to him with a smile. His eyebrows razed with a smirk at your enthusiasm taking the books from your hand. "Thank you my name is Trafalgar Law or just Law," he spoke, sticking out a hand. Grabbing it, you shook it firmly, looking up at him. "I'm Y/N it's nice to meet you."

Pacing back and forth through the his office, Law dragged his hands down his face. Law felt like he was about to do something dumb in fact, he KNEW he was about to do something dumb. Flopping into his chair, he groaned in thought. Since Law had seen you at the book store, he was utterly infatuated with you. From the way you jumped up sp quickly to help him to the way you glanced behind you with pink dusting your cheeks. You where so jittery, yet he couldn't get enough.

Law and his crew where ment to leave immediatly after grabbing the book he needed, but he just couldn't. He told the crew he couldn't find it and he needed another day to search, explaing they might as well dock and resupply. Confussed because the crew had only just resupplied on the previouse island. They decided to think nothing of it.

Standing from his seat, Law trugged out of his office, the door closing behind him with a bang. The crew watched quizickaly from their seats as their captain stormed back into town. "Thats a man on a mission if i've ever seen one" Sachi muttered to penguin.

You had just walked out of the book store when Law caught up to you, calling your name you turned around to see who was calling. Your face heated up seeing Law back so soon. Law had discarded his coat now with what looked to be more casual clothings. "Oh, hello Law, um, long time no see I-" clasping his hand in yours, he cut you off, looking you dead in the eye. "Please join my crew."

The polar tang had resurfaced around an hour ago, opting to glide at the surface so everyone could get some fresh air. I walked out onto the deck feeling the midnight breeze blow all my worries away. It had been a few months since Law had asked me to join the crew, I had settled in well, enjoying the company and the job itself. Being Laws assistant wasn't easy but it certainly wasn't hard, the most challenging part was probably keeping myself calm when I feel his eyes rake over me. His stupid, gorgeous, sexy, fucking eyes. 

Sitting on the railing, I dangled my feet off the side, looking at the stars above. Light drops of rain kissed my face as I felt the Seabreeze brush my skin. "Shouldn't sit up there, might fall in," A flat voice called. I already knew it was Law his voice had a distinct 'kill me please' tone. 

"I appreciate the concern Captain, but I'm very comfortable," I replied looking over my shoulder at him. My breath caught in my throat as my eyes raked over him. His shirt was nowhere to be seen, tattoos adorning his chest and torso. His sweatpants were just a little too low, not that I minded. 

"Y/N, your eyes are very explorative today" Law mussed a shit-eating smirk on his face. 

The asshole knew he was sexy. 

Turning away so quickly, I nearly got whiplash, my eyes trained onto the sea below.  

"Not my fault I'm not the one walking around half-naked," I murmured sneaking another glance. Bad idea, he was a lot closer now his chest mere inches from my back and his warm breath fanning against my neck. A shiver ran up my spine and a gasp left my lips when I felt one of his arms snake around my waist. "mmm I really, really don't want you falling in" he whispered against me.

Turning to look at his face, he was so close "I- I just wanted to get a good look at the sky," I splurted out, finally ripping my gaze away from him looking back to the stars still gleaming brilliantly. His head dropped to my shoulder breathing into my neck, "mm your warm" he mumbled looking to the stars with me, "really?" I whispered in reply looking towards him again. His gaze turned to me, then dropped to my lips eyes dilating with curiosity. "Yes, really, everything about you is warm and I appreciate that." Blush dusted my checks and I wasted no time in leaning down to engulf his lips in mine leaning into his embrace as his other arm pulled me off the railing and into his arms.

I wrapped my legs around his waist deepening the kiss. Law's tongue melted with mine sucking on my bottom lip as I pulled away for air "shit Y/N I've wanted to kiss you since I saw you sitting in that bookstore," Law heaved leaving open-mouth kisses along my neck. Pulling away Law rested his head on my shoulder again, the rain was picking up now. "Law, I really like you." I murmured too embarrassed to look at him.

he snorted before looking up at me "Well I would hope so, after all I did just kiss you." He laughed. "Your an ideot," I sighed, leaning back into his warm embrace.

EW CORNY BLUAGH *THROWS UP VILONTLY* anyway finally working on these fucking matchups

#zorosleftmantit #one piece #one piece x reader #one piece funny #one piece headcanons #headcanon #one piece x you #crack post #shitpost #law x reader #x reader #law #law headcanons #law one piece #law op #trafalgar law

[alltoolewis]

Can I request a Ruben Loftus Cheek one where you guys broke up but you’re pregnant and you get in an accident and the doctors contact him explaining the situation. And he wants to get back together scared that he’ll lose you and the baby forever. Lots of fluff please💖

"Shes what?" Ruben yells, dropping the phone as soon as the nurse confirms his worst fear.... you where in hospital after a nasty collision on your way to your ultrasound... the ultrasound you were both suppose to go together.

Ruben quickly grabs his keys which so happened to be right next to the picture of the both you... a time where you both were happy, where he didn't break your heart and leave you to handle your pregnancy on your own. You and ruben broke up 3 months ago, after getting in a fight about his schedule. You wanting him to spend more time with you, wanting him to experience your pregnancy together however Ruben being the idiot he is didn't realise this and instead of being supportive he shut you out of his life... leaving you to handle the final months of your pregnancy alone.

----

"Where is she??" He breathes out, breathless after running into up 4 flights of stairs "wheres my girlfriend??? Wheres (y/fn)"

"Sir please calm down and come with me" a nurse sighs gently pulling ruben into a quiter area so he can calm down.

"Mr loftus-cheek... your girlfriend was involved in a very serious collision, she suffered some very painful injuries including a puncture to her lung which ment we had to take her for an emergency surgery"

"S-surgery" ruben stuttered looking down at the floor trying to get his hands to stop shaking.

"Is she okay?? Can i see her?"

"Shes okay.. shes stable but we will have to keep an eye on her for any complications. You may see her after explain about your ba-"

"What about the baby? She was 8 months pregnant!" Ruben suddenly jumps out of his seat causing the nurse to grab his shaking hands.

" sir we had to do an emergency c-section to deliver your baby... without miss (y/ln) lungs producing enough air it was safer for both of them if we did a c section. But there both fine... hes fine ther both in room 204 I can tak-"

However she was interrupted by the door slamming shut.

---

Room 202.. room 203... room 204... finally ruben made it to room 204 after what felt like a lifetime. Holding his breathe he opens the door, instantly releasing his breathe after seeing you cradling your newborn, who was wrapped tightly in a baby blue woolen blanket.

"Cmere" you whispered breaking rubens trance, grabbing your hand which was reached for him.

"Omg he's so perfect.... hes so tiny wow" ruben sighed speechless agter seeing the little boy on your almost bare chest.

"(Y/n)... I'm so sorry if i wasn't so selfish and gave you more time then this would of never of happened! You wouldn't be wored up to all these machines you wouldn't have had to do all this on your own" he sobs, tears running down his face not being able to stop them, not after realising what he put you through.

"ruben look at me" you sighed grabbing his know wet hand "were okay... were fine.. were safe. This isn't your fault. You didn't crash into me. Okay you messed up and its going to take me a while to forgive someone of those mistakes however i want us to work... i want us to try again.. not only for the sake of our son but also for us.. I'm lost without you rubes" you cry causing ruben to caress your cheek, reaching out his pinkie for you

"For know on my love its just you, me and our bundle of you.. no busy schedules no late nights.. just our family.. my family i promise?"

Smiling you intwined your pinkie with his..

"So know thats cleared up... ruben please meet your son Freddie george loftus-cheek" you whispered gently passing him the small baby.

And it was that moment that ruben knew that he was complete... he had his family.

#ruben loftus cheek #ruben loftus-cheek blurb #thank you anon

[lunasblipsandblurbs]

Donate Luna Coffee/Kofi?

Hi everyone, I hate to even bring this up, it's kind of uncomfortable for me but I need to step up and ask for help. I created this blog about 2ish months ago to help curb with my anxiety and depression.

I had just lost my job. I had to quit due to the fact my employers lied on their covid saftey measures and were not taking the pandemic seriously and were actively putting their essential workers, like myself, at a daily risk. I worked and live in a relatively conservative area so that ment no masks for customers...I was always afraid I was going to catch the virus and bring it home, where I have a family member in extreme high risk category. The constant paranoia and fear tanked my mental health throwing me back years of progress I had made for myself in regards of mental health.

Now here I am, working hard to get back mentally where I was and to go even further. However, I have $40 to my name as of right now and I need help to pay for bills and my medication.

The stimulus check is yet again yanked away from me. I will not be getting it, I was put on as dependent with my parents last year for a breast reduction surgery I needed to have so I could function on a daily basis due to the back pain.

I am not telling you all this to guilt or show a sob story. It's just this has been my life thus far and I'm in need of just a little help to get through until the next President takes office (And thus covid relief for all).

PLEASE ONLY DONATE IF YOU ARE ABLE TO FINANCIALLY. Please continue to put yourselves and safety first during this time, and if on the way you have some spare change to Donate to me I would forever be greatful.

Stay safe everyone 💜

https://ko-fi.com/lunasblipsandblurbs23

#luna talks #buy me a coffee #buy me a kofi #ko fi account #hi bby #pls help

[child-of-of-the-sunshine]

Someone Else's Duaghter

Chapter 3

Emerson and Trent had been getting to know eachother a lot for two weeks

Emerson was hanging out with Clay at his apartment when there phones went off

"Great," She said

"I can just tell Blackburn you are having a bad day and your head isn't in the right place for this spin up," he said

"No it's fine," She said

"Emerson your best friend died on this day 5 years ago," Clay said

"Clay it's fine," she said

They left Clay's apartment and went to the base, after the briefing they gathered there stuff before getting on the plane and left the states for the mission, it was east get there guy and get out of there. Once the team got there guy there was a gun fight 

"Bravo 7," Jason yelled into the radio

"Wounded eagle," Ray yelled

Clay started running towards Ray not knowing it was best friend, as so

Emerson saw Clay she started crying

"Clay I can't die," Emerson said

"I know," Clay said

"Clay her kids can't lose anyone else," She said

"Emerson if you don't stop talking, they will," he said

"Give me and Clay cover," Ray yelled 

"E you have to keep your eyes open," Clay said

She just nodded

They got her to the helo. On the way back to the airfield Trent was able to stop the bleeding. But no understood why Clay kept squeezing Emerson hand to keep her awake. Once back to the airfield Emerson was evaced to the nearest military hospital and taken back home for surgery were her best friends husband was alerted and rushed to Virginia from Texas military base and was there after she was out of surgery, as soon she woke she was ment with a hand

"Sis if you ever do that again," Aiden said

"Sorry I do it for a living," She said

"So what's new," he asked

"I was shot," She said

"Other then that," He said

"Met my dad really cool guy, have people other then yours that care," She.said

"Wait you met your dad, bit he abandoned you," he said

"No he thought I died when I was 3," She said

"Wow," he said

"Yeah," She said

There was a knock on the door and the doctor came and checked on her after he left

Back at base in Virginia 

"Can we just get out of here because I have heard nothing about Emerson," Trent said

"Not yet I want to know what happened out there," Jason said

"What do mean," Clay said

"Clay your best friend she didn't seem her self on the plane," Ray said

"She's was having a bad day,"Clay said

"No this was more then a bad day," Jason said

"Nothing more," Clay said

"Clay answer the question," Ray said

"Fine her best friend from basic died 5 years ago 2 day ago," Clay said 

"And you didn't tell us," Jason said 

"Its not my job to tell you," Clay said

"As her team mate it is," Jason said

"Guys," Ray said 

"What," Jason Yelled

"I got message," Ray said

"Hi this Emerson brother well adopted brother it hard to explain, she is awake,"  Ray said

"Oh Aiden," Trent said

"What," Clay said

"Her brother from another mother," Trent said

"Don't question it," he said

"Who is Aiden," Clay asked

"Her Best Friends husband," Trent said

"How much do know about Emerson," Ray asked

"From when she 17 to now," Trent said

"Okay everyone go home and Trent go check on your kid," Blackburn said

They left going there separate ways with Trent going to the hospital

2 months later

Emerson went down to Texas with Aiden to spend time with that family after she got out of hospital going on adventures with nieces every day, when she got back everyone noticed the change in her

#seal team #clay spenser #seal team cbs #sonny quinn #jason hayes #trent sawyer #brock reynolds #scott carter #eric blackburn

[cetologies]

i once again... need to vent. so i apologize. i don’t have another outlet but it is under a read more. this is my personal experience, on the off-chance someone reads this and decides to pick a fight with me. i feel like i don’t have to say that but alas, the internet.

posting this late at night so hopefully too many won’t be subjected to it. i go into detail a little bit on this stuff.

tw: ED, body dysmorphia, OCD, depression, SH, anxiety, s//cide ment

i’m sorry i tried to tag it as well as possible to cater to anything blacklisted, i will most likely delete this but otherwise if something needs to be tagged differently please tell me 

this is definitely the worst i’ve felt in a long time. years probably. and some of it is my fault, so i feel like i’m not allowed to complain. but i will anyway. all i’m asking is to get down to 115 again. i was that small when i was 16 and i want to be there again. i haven’t weighed myself with intention to see what weight i am in maybe 4-5 years. 

i make it a point when i go to doctors offices to not tell me my weight. i cover my eyes and *usually* explicitly state that. but i didn’t three years ago, though i said “i don’t want to know my weight” and put my hands over my eyes and she still told me my weight. i remember crying and being loud, the doctor (who had known me for years) had immediately asked the nurse if she told me my weight.

i’ve always had body image issues but holy shit not like this. i’ve suffered with depression and anxiety most of my life. i’ve ticked off almost every single box in terms of diagnosed mental illnesses (except schizophrenia... which even that i’m starting to check off a few). but like i said, holy shit never like this. i would like to say this is harder to deal with than the anxiety/depression i previously have dealt with, but i dont know anymore.

this definitely hurts so bad though. i am getting depressed again, and cannot see this getting better anytime soon. partially my fault once again. i’d just like to lose a little more weight before seeing a doctor. i think i weighed (at the time of that incident above) around 129?? which is... healthy for my height but so is 115. 

my problem is i can’t eat. i can’t think about eating. my default state is now just nausea. i get nauseous from not eating, i get nauseous thinking about eating, and i get nauseous from eating. since october i cant stomach anything. i started adderall in december and it made it 10x worse. i’ve since switched to adderall xr (adzenys?) and i can at least drink water now and only a get half as nauseous. but that was really scary!! i had a little swig of water, no more than a sip, and had to lay down for 4 hours because i was so nauseous. 

my main issue is now i feel guilty for eating. which is normal for eating disorders. but i can’t eat more than 100 calories without wanting to self harm. it’s ridiculous, and i know it’s ridiculous but unfortunately that’s the number i can’t let go. i cried for an hour today bc i ate those lil brownie little bites and it was the second thing i ate today (aside from celery, which i also got sick and felt bad about eating bc i googled the calories: 60) and accidently saw how many calories they were. 240. 

so i ate 300 calories today and that was enough to make me want to vomit (i can’t, i’m emetophobic) and crawl into a hole and disappear. i have never ever dealt with stuff like this before and it’s so scary. i’m afraid my health is failing because of it but i can’t stop. it’s so unrealistic to eat less than 100 calories a day. the standard recommended is 2000, yet for some reason i can’t eat more than 100 without wanting to die

i check my body measurements 3-4 times a day. i spend at LEAST two hours in front of a mirror body checking and looking at my figure from all angles. these issues have definitely stemmed from my figure along with my insecurities. my entire life the only thing i’ve been complimented on is my measurements. it’s all i have. i’m not very pretty, but people are in love with my figure. and i am too! so many people tell me my body is great the way it is but i don’t care what they think, i care what i think. and i think i need to go back down to 115. 

i’ve chalked up my self worth to my body measurements. it’s not something that’s generally achievable without surgery, so it feels almost like a trophy to me because of how fucked up my brain is. i can’t lose it because that’s the only thing that i like about myself. or at least the only thing i like about myself that i don’t want to impulsively destroy like my eyelashes

and it’s not like i’m trying to achieve a completely flat stomach or anything. i just look a little disproportionate to me, since i carry fat only in the stomach. a little pudge is natural and i understand that. like i said, 115 is still healthy for 5′3′’. it’s not like im trying to drop down below 100. i had told myself once i lost the weight, then i’ll go get help for the fact i am violently nauseous no matter what.

which leads me to my next problem: this is my only solution. i can’t lose weight through exercise (esp exercise that involves numbers) bc of my OCD. i have such bad obsessive nature with any numbers (as stated w/ my weight, my body measurements, etc) and like i did when i started looking at calories, i’ll become so obsessive with exercise that if he doesn’t reach my fantastical expectations, i’ll want to self harm.

something that’s really making me upset is i specifically never looked at calories, checked my weight, etc. because i knew this would happen. i went out of my way to avoid stuff like this bc i knew i was susceptible to this kind of thinking and it still happened anyway. my body is going to start shutting down soon if it hasn’t started already. 

it’s fucking ridiculous though! i’ve tried to kill myself (and still, suffering as i am, i still thank god i made it out alive) and it’s just crazy that that was over anxiety, depression, agoraphobia, bullying, etc. and now i want to kill myself bc i ate CELERY!!! bc it’s 60 calories!!! like its so illogical!! i’m a very naturally logical person so this is just like each side of my brain hitting the other with a bat.

it doesn’t look like i’ve lost any weight, despite purposely not eating for 4 months. my grades are bad, my gpa dropped .5 points bc of covid and i’m fucking stupid anyway. i try my best not to self harm bc of my fear of blood but i usually end up scratching myself til i bleed anyway. 

i’m suffering and trying my best to make it through this but i’m trying my best. i just want to wait to get help until i lose a little more. but i am fucking suffering. all i want is to eat again. or at least to eat and not feel guilty afterwards. my portions are so much smaller, i can only eat a few bites of any meal and it’s so fucking scary but i can’t stop myself from wanting to lose more.

like i said, i’ve always had body image issues but nothing like this. i’m so so so scared but. there’s nothing my brain will allow me to do until i lose a little more weight. im afraid im causing/on the road to causing irreversible damage but i just!! can’t stop!! not being able to eat more than 100 calories is so fucking ridiculous i’m ashamed of myself. i shouldn’t be having anxiety attacks over eating celery.

#sorry i've been crying all day over the last thing #daelin speaks #body dysmorphia // #tw body dysmorphia #tw body image #body image // #eating disorder // #tw eating disorder #ocd // #tw ocd #tw depression #depression // #tw self harm mention #self harm mention // #tw anxiety #anxiety // #tw suicide #suicide //

[sageadrianwhite]

***trigger warning possible***

With good news tho

So 2 weeks away as of this Saturday from 7 years clean!!! I've managed nearly for 7 years not to fall back on drugs & drinking. I've managed for almost 7 years not to starve myself either. I struggle in my 20's to not self harm, but always stop myself where I've maybe done one and realized stopping myself.

I've managed to get worlds better I remember being 19 an addict thinking I wouldn't see 21. I was almost right September 5th 2013 about a month before my 20th birthday. I nearly took my own life due to losing someone I loved, after I had found my one, when I had finally gotten free massive truma and the abuse of my ex. The guy I was with who was also my best friend in this world and was the one of the only reasons I was beating my addictions at the time. He was stood by me and pushing me for my best and to finally get better after a 5 year struggle to overcome the truma I've been though. I was the teen you hear about with a Micky or 2-6er taped under the bed frame. A stash of drugs hidden in a buildabear. The "rich kid" that couldn't handle the pressure of being the perfect Islamic daughter and live up to the perfect image keeping it all together spending lots on products and makeup to look not like an addict So my parents, friends and teachers didn't know. It doesn't make it easier when your abusive fiancee at the time gives you the option to be beaten or do the drugs or have your face forced in them and they have their way after.... I was a dumb 18 year old, but I'm the islamic culture not uncommon from 18-26 to marry.

It broke me when a boyfriend of mine died. It went two weeks no contact as of the night we said I love you the first time when he told me he had to pick up his drunk abusive father from the bar.......I told him to be careful and text me when hes home safe turns out he told his dad about us. His father was upset and enraged he was dating a girl who was 19 when he had just turned 18.... so his father grabbed the wheel jerking it. They hit a pole. He died on impact my then boyfriend. His father died 2 days later in hospital.

I found out two weeks later when his mom got into his Skype and called me saying shes glad she finally got in to his social media so she could let me know as he only knew his passwords.

That night My abusive ex found me when I went to the bar. I wanted to drown for a night the feeling of loss as it was the first true close loss I have had to deal with by then and was planning to then get back to sobriety the next day from finding out my boyfriend had died.

That night my abusive ex gave me drugs and convinced me to kill myself before leaving the bar with my ex best friend he cheated with. The fact he made me believe with the abuse, bullying, learning disabilities and mental illness I was the problem and believe I was better off dead due to being hammered and in a severe grieving state..

I don't remember anything after taking the drugs just waking up in my bed at home about 5 in the morning with a damp feeling all around my blanket and sheets, my room smelt coppery, my mouth tasted like a penny, but I was sitting up hugging my knees cold as hell. I felt the urge to pee so I got up fast not thinking and ran to the bathroom soon as I went past the mirror I saw the fact I was all bloody. I had unconsciously self harmed myself to the point I had 167 cuts on my body between my arms, ribs, thighs, ankles and hips. I felt dizzy looking at myself covered in blood trying to stop it. I lost conciousness and fell I hit my cheek on the way down which to this day causes me the odd facial pain due to if I had hit it any harder I would have broke the bone in my cheek and end up needing cosmetic surgery. I passed out waking up 20 mins later. I remember forcing myself to get up falling straight down to a near passout state lying there unable to move call for help or anything. I had still been bleeding and I had fading in and out consciousness at that point and somehow I heard his voice telling me "it isnt my time, I've got so much to do and this isnt where my story ends. I need to get up, I am meant for much better things than this and he better no be seeing me any time soon that when everything feels lost fight against all odds. Prove everyone wrong that you will see 25 and be something"

I somehow pushed myself up fading in and out of consciousness and stumbled bloody down the hall half using the wall and crawling till I managed to get my moms bedroom door open as I managed to grab her ankle and raspiley say "mom I need help I'm sorry"

I passed out again just as she sat up in shock looking at what I looked like last thing I remembered was the horror on her face and. When I came to my mom had saved my life and my little sister who was 13 was crying thinking she was gonna lose me. My mom she had stopped the bleeding, and made me throw up while unconscious to sober and get some of the drugs out which saved my life and she got me drinking wholy detox tea soon as I could drink and swallow plus some watermelon for the sugars.

After I spent 2 months with a massive black eye and healing cuts covering my body. That night I almost died and my mom saved my life on what would have been my little sister's first day of high school, September 5th 2013. I got help I joined therapy, I went to AA in secret till 5 months in when i had a routine, I went to NA for 4 months till I had a solid plan and was sober, started looking at programs for my mental illness and learning disorders. By 21 I had been a year an a month sober.

Now at 26 years old I've been almost 7 years sober as of September 5th 2020.

It will be 7 years sober and clean. I own my own business, I travel, I have my physical health for the first time in 10 years almost and I have the most loving, understanding, compassionate, sweet funny and kind guy possible

These days I couldn't be happier healthier and luckier to be here after what I went through life is too short to be filled with misery and hate and too short to waste being disillusioned by a fake happiness created by chemicals that arent good for you. I remember the monster I was and my lash outs and after seeing others addictions I know what I sadly put my loved ones through.

Please if you need help go seek it it's never too late because addiction is only ment to destroy you and everything you love so please don't let it win and get help

I don't post much besides the odd photo of myself here and there on my tumblr, but too many people I've cared about in my life I've lost them to drugs, I almost lost myself 7 years ago. I've had people who did drugs and turned abusive or into a monster losing themselves in the process of thinking they are medicating their issues like I did. So please if you suffer go get help it may be an underlying reason of why you have addiction mine is due to BPD (Boraderline personally disorder) which also has its issues with impulse control.

Just please get help its never to late to get treatment. Please do not wait till you get where I was. To this day I still deal with lasting effects from being a addict in my formative teen years. Odd stomach pains, not often hungry, a valve issue better my kidneys and bladder, facial pain from the fall and some digestive issues, plus old injuries that didnt heal right due I medicated for because I couldn't lose my sports or music & theater. Addiction is no joke please get help before if destroys you and everything you hold dear to you.

[shawnies-rihno-blog]

E.R Mayhem

 Part 3 of Ready For Me.

I was gonna finish the mini-series but then it got long and i think y/n and Shawn deserve a nice ending chapter. So the next one is probably gonna be the last one. Thank you so much for reading!! Also you can read the other parts in my Masterlist

WC: 2k 

Warnings: Cussing, mention of knife and blood??

Enjoy!

I was about to fully fall asleep in the On Call room, when my pager started beeping. Ugh. It was the E.R. Probably some drunkies who found a way to hurt themselves. I get up, putting on my running shoes and fixing myself up before heading out.

It was Saturday Night, one of the doctors was getting married, so many attending doctors were spending their time celebrating in Vegas. I was invited, but with me just becoming a surgical attending, I thought spending time at the Hospital would build my experience.  

I had barely slept in the past 36 hours, with a recent bus crash and all the victims being rushed to the hospital I worked at, it was hard to sleep and when I finally got some time to myself, some drunk guys showed up.

I walked into the Emergency Room, putting on my gloves and gown. 

“They are 4 minutes out. Also the paramedics said that the patient's friend is coming with them. Their BAC (Blood Alcohol Concentration) is about 0.175, so they are pretty drunk,” the nurse informs as I head to the doors.

As I wait for the ambulance, I can already feel myself dozing off. I hear the siren coming closer, I slap myself on the face to awaken myself. I stretch myself out being prepared for whatever was to come. The paramedics get out of the ambulance, and head to open the back door.

“They are pretty drunk. You’re in for a very long night,” one of them says. I can already hear them yelling at each other, even though the door is locked. 

“A male about the age of 25 and has a knife stuck in his tibia, we assume. We had to drag him out of a party, so we don’t have any I.D and when we asked his friend for his name he called him ‘Dumbass Rich White Boy’ so..” the other one explains.

The paramedics open the door and the person I least expected jumps out. Me saying I’m shocked would be the biggest understatement of my whole entire lifetime.

“Brian?” I exclaim.

“O.M.G it’s y/n!” he slurs.

I look over to the person on the stretcher. I have to do a double take, because I can't help but feel that my eyes have betrayed me. Shawn. The paramedics wheel Shawn down into the hospital, taking him into a secluded room. 

I run behind them, Brian repeated telling Shawn that he was being a wuss for coming to the hospital. I enter the room, seeing Brian slapping Shawn on the face, for whatever reason, and Shawn laughing on top of his lungs. Boy, was this going to be a long night!

I head over to Shawn’s leg, examining the damage. With Shawn constantly laughing, it’s hard to examine. 

“Hey doc, my leg hurts, can you do somethin’ ‘bout it?” Shawn slurs.

“Well you shouldn’t have stuck a knife in there. Don’t you think?” I reply. “Hook up 1 of morphine,” I continue this time talking to the nurse.

“y/n?” he asks, the room eerie now.

“Yes. It’s me Shawn. So can I ask how you ended up with a knife in your lower leg?” I ask, ignoring my heart skipping beats at the way he said my name.

“Oh, Brian said I’m a pussy so I showed him how i’m not a pussy.”

“Well..” Brian starts laughing, “You’re still a pussy, you didn’t let me pull the knife. PUSSY.” Brian exclaims still laughing.

“Okay, well Shawn, we need to get an X-Ray to see how extensive the damage is.” I reply ignoring Brian, because nothing good was coming out of him.

As I’m pushing Shawn’s gurney towards the Radiation Room, with Brian hot on my heels, I spot an intern, I call him over and ask him to assist me on this case, thinking I might as well teach someone something, after all it was a teaching hospital.

“Okay Shawn, you have to stay still, okay?”

“Why?” he questions drunkenly.

“Just listen to her, dumbass,” Brian chimes from the back.

“Brian say another word, and i will cuff you to this chair and put duct tape over your mouth! You hear me?” I state having enough of his bullshit.

“Y/n are you gonna leave me here all alone? Cus’ i’m scared. What if this machine eats me?”

“No Shawn i’m right here. Just stay still for ten seconds, okay?”

I go over to the computer, dragging Brian by the ear with me. I sit on the chair, the intern observing my actions and sitting beside me in another chair.

“Stand there, and don’t you dare move!” I tell Brian, he looks at me with the saddest puppy dog eyes, making me almost go soft for him. 

“So do you know them, Dr.y/l/n,” the intern asks.

“YA! Her and the guy in there use to fuck,” Brian exclaims happily.

“Brian I will kill you! And you know that,” I say to him as I apologize to the intern for Brian’s behavior.

The X-rays load up on the computer screen, the intern, Ethan, and I both examining the X-ray for any fatal damage. 

“Well, he wouldn’t need surgery, so that’s good, but we need to pull out the knife without damaging any nerves, and then we can stitch him up.” I say.

“Well he will for sure have to stay here for the night though, right?” the intern asks.

“Oh ya, for sure, with his drunken state, and the cut being that deep, he needs to be kept under examination for a day,” I reply and head over to Shawn, moving the machine away from him.

“The machine didn’t eat me!!” Shawn gasps. I chuckle at his stupidness, him still being the person he was years ago.

The intern pushes his gurney back to the room he was in, while I grab Brian, making him walk with me. 

“Okay, Listen, Ethan and I are gonna go grab some things so we can pull out the knife. Don’t touch him, okay Brian? And Shawn don’t move, just stay still.” I say to the both of them. It was 3 am and there weren’t enough nurses to help us, and Ethan who just joined about a month ago didn’t know much about the different types of sutures. So me taking Ethan with me was the only choice I had.

On our way back both Ethan and I’s hands were full of medical stuff, we both are right outside Shawn’s room when we hear him scream. It sounded like a painful one, I opened the door, scared to see what I would be served with. Then I see Brian holding a bloody knife in his hand. Did he try to stab Shawn? And then I look over to Shawn’s leg, the knife that was there when I left, now non existent. 

“Here, I made it easier for you! Now you just need to stitch him up.” Brian announces proudly. Shawn still breathing heavily due to the pain. 

I head over to Shawn and push more morphine in him to help him with the pain, paying no attention to Brian. “Ethan take him out and hook him with a banana bag, and make sure he doesn’t move from his place,” I say referring to Brian. 

Shawn calms down and I start re-examining his leg, praying to god I don't have to operate on him, knowing it would make his life ten times harder, for at least a couple of weeks. After examining his leg with a reflex hammer, seeing no nerve damage, I breathed out in relief. 

When I start suturing up Shawn, he starts talking again. 

“Where’s Brian?” He questions.

“I had to send him out, he was being highly inappropriate.”

“Oh.” He replies. After a little while he speaks again, “can i tell you a secret? You can’t tell anyone though. It can only stay between the two of us.”

“Yea sure. I promise, I won’t tell anyone.”

“Because I had you… you know the song I wrote? Yea, well I wrote that song cus’ of you.” He says, staring up at the ceiling.

“Shawn you’re drunk, you don’t know what you’re talking about,” I reply taken aback a little.

“Yea I do.”

I stay quiet not knowing what to say, or knowing I would say something stupid. I stitch him up, and then leave the room. I tell the nurse to move Shawn into a real room to spend the night. I don’t see him the entire night, after that.

I head back to the On Call room, kicking of my sneakers, and laying down on the bed. I grab my phone and air-pods, searching up ‘Because I had you.’ I hadn’t made an effort to listen to his new music knowing it would fuck me up. I lay on my side, listening to his song, my eyes a little teary. Man, did he know how to make me cry. I drift off, listening to his music, finally clinging on to some sleep.

----

I wake up the next morning, music still playing. How did my phone not die? I re-do my ponytail and head to the bathroom to brush my teeth, and start on rounds. It’s Sunday morning, a lot of the families of the patients already here spending some quality time with their loved ones. A lot of the families are very nice, and some even offer my breakfast to which I politely declined. I look at the name of the last patient on the charts. Shawn Peter Raul Mendes. 

I take a deep breathe and enter his room. He has company, Brian sitting on the couch, an old woman -who I suppose is his mom, serving him breakfast, and a younger woman -did he get a new girlfriend???

“Oh Hi, Y/n,” Shawn chimes happily. “Meet my family, That’s my mom and that is my little sister,” he says pointing at each one of them. Oh that’s his sister! 

“Nice to meet you,” I say smiling at them politely. “Well I’m sorry but you will have to step back for a second, I just need to take a look at his leg.” His mother moves back smiling at me.

“Well I know for sure Shawn isn’t going to be partying ever after this,” She says. I smile at her comment. 

“Does it hurt here?” I ask him.

“A little.” He replies, his voice betrays him though, or maybe I just know his voice well enough to know he’s lying.

“I’m your doctor, Y’know you can’t be lying to me.”

“Well you could be my girlfriend,” he responds casually. 

I stiffen up for a second. What the hell? First of all, why would he say that, second of all, why would he say that in front of his family and third of all, why would he say that?! I look up at him giving me the softest smile. Oh fuck him and his beautiful face!

“Shawn where are your manners? She is your doctor, and you respect her for helping you after you and Brian tried to almost kill you!” His mother exclaims, I mentally thank her for saving my ass. 

“Well we weren’t tryi-” Shawn is cut off.

“Well, I mean, they were going out before, so the comment isn’t totally inappropriate,” Brian states. What a dumbass.

“What?!” his sister exclaims. 

My cheeks are now burning red, I want to run out of the room. I can feel everyone's eyes burning holes deep inside me. I stay put, and keep examining his stitches.

“Well, I’ll prescribe you some pain meds, and the pain should go away, and then you can be discharged in the evening,” I say as I head out the door.

“Y’know you are supposed to answer all the questions your patient asks you, you still didn’t answer mine,” I stopped dead in my tracks, not knowing how to reply to his idioticness.

“What question?” playing dumb would help right?

“About you being my girlfriend,”

“Well that was more a statement than a question,” I reply, smiling briefly at him and then heading out for breakfast.

-----

TAGLIST: @badpvn @murphymendes88 @shawn-youth @unsolvedhearts @rarestbitxh

OMG!!!!! Thank you for sticking around!!!!! I loved this part!! And i already have the perfect ending in mind! Thank you so much for reading and loving Ready for Me! Also comment if you wanna be apart of the taglist! x

#shawn mendes #Shawn Mendes Imagine #shawn mendes smut #shawn mendes masterlist #fanfiction

[caszscountrycraftsblog]

Update

Hi all,

I haven't posted for a while due to three issues. First up I have had the flue which sat me on my tush being very sick for three months. The flue seasion this year in Australia has been very bad with a lot of deaths.

After developing a really bad chest infection & having trouble breathing I ended up on several lots of antibiotics and cortisone tablets to get on top of it.

I am now over the flue thankfully which with having my flue shot late & the flue running through Australia early it didnt help me this year. Although in saying that I didn't get pneumonia so that was at least a posative.

Im still having treatment on my face which weve been travelling to Melbourne fortnightly which also hasnt helped with trying to stay well. Hospitals are not healthy places.

I am finally on the end of that so am now on Monthly appointments as of next month which Im actually relieved with as the traveling is crippling me atm.

We travel over 600 kilometers to my Accommodation so its a few days of traveling than running around for appointments.

Being patient 0 now since 2015 has been difficult. Mainly as with them never having done this type of facial reconstruction work done it has ment a lot of operations & appointments, due to trying new techniques and correcting mistakes, but on that note we are finally experiencing a win there and I should be finished by the end of October.

They are now also training other surgons in this area & working on other patients so knowing this is pretty humbling as others are now getting there pallets reconstructed better and are now having teeth implants put into newly developed jaw reconstructions which has come from me fighting the hospital systems here wanting a better quality a life.

So there has been many Nurses, surgeons, Specialists, Therapists, Speech therapists helping me fight to live and try to give me a better quality of life! For that I'm extremely grateful & lucky.

Some of my surgeons have also flown in from Canada, Germany, England & France with my Jaw Reconstruction work. That alone was a 19 hr surgery a team of over 100 people. I nearly died as my blood supply failed and because it was life-threatening I was operated in under 30 days. I also missed my youngest daughters wedding from my jaw reconstructions which I was devastated at missing due to the restrictions the hospital placed on me. She did look beautiful in her wedding dress on her wedding day though I will say.

For those of you who dont my history I was diagnosed with mouth & throat cancer in 2009. My life expectancy from my initial diagnosis was 3 to 4 years. Im still alive & have fought my cancer now for over 10 years & endured over 36 surgeries now! I was operated on 48 hours after my diagnosis so it didn't give me much time to process it & fighting it with every doctor and specialist telling me I was going to DIE made fighting it extremely difficult. Its also been extremely hard on my family & children.

From all my surgeries & hospital appointments plus operations I started crocheting & Knitting again, which is how Casz's Country Crafts was born in 2018. You can follow me & support me through Instagram at caszs_country_crafts, Facebook @CaszsCrafts & my website withFree Patterns & Wednesday Pattern Pics Blog, crochet & Knitting Accessories, Needles and Notions.

So come November I'll finally finish I hope & can move on with my life and living. Trying to keep a business running throughout this all has been difficult but Im managing to keep it their and Im looking forward to being active with my business again after all this treatment for Cancer and Cancer reconstruction work!

My Business is still alve thankfully to ALL OF YOU who follow me, purchase from me and support me. So a very big THANKYOU for that for without all of your support #caszs_country_crafts wouldn't be here!

Since January I've had problems walking, sitting and traveling which is my third problem. We finally know whats wrong which is fantastic but it too is goung to take approximately a year to get me on my feet again!

It seems I have torn a glute muscle from thigh off the bone!

Which 1 I keep tearing it with traveling, lifting and walking. At least I now know why Ive not been able to sit at my computer which I need to do to research and write all my articles plus my blogs.

We are now adapting everthing we need to at home, Ive commenced treatment but till my face is finished Im going to keep going forwards & backwards. As I'm tearing the muscle more with lifting and traveling, sitting & walking. Its definitely affected my daily life & very painful.

Im also trying to learn new computer programs to help in this issue plus where about to change my chair plus adapt aids so I can start redoing my blogs & articles. I carnt go back to all my hand dyeing yet but I'll get there.

It is at least repairable and if it dosnt want to cooperate than surgery again is an option to reattach the muscle. Im am hoping though Im able to win with a slow recovery and no surgery.

Where aiming that I csn return to work partime by November at least with all my Social Networking. Untill than I'll do what Im able as health permits.

So, as you see Ive got my hands full with a few issues at present, I'm not giving up so please stick with me with your support!

I'm definitely needing it with my Social Networking sites! Thankyou again too those of you who follow me here, on Facebook, Instagram, Pintrest & twitter! If your not on there please pop in and check me out as your support helps me to keep going forward!

Thought I'd update you all now we know whats going on. Have a wonderful week everyone!

Carey

Caszs Country Crafts

#caszs_country_crafts #crochet #knitting #yarn wool #patterns #freepatterns #wednesdayspatternpicks #knittingneedles #australian knitting #crochetersofinstagram #crochethooks #crochetinspiration #crocheting

[mentallystrongphysicallyfit]

Riding Solo

I have had a lot of appointments this week. Here’s what I’ve had and how they went (this got REALLY long, so I put the rest below).

Monday - follow up evaluation with Physical Therapy for knee pain. I injured my knee at the end of December, but was scared and didn’t go to the doctor until February. I did 6 weeks of PT and I have greatly reduced the pain in my knee! The main cause of pain in my knees and hips is still weight-related, but I’m working on that! I’ve successfully finished my current PT!

Tuesday - first follow up (since the initial appt in November of last year, when this Dr referred me for evaluation for B.E.D.) with the weightloss surgery doctor. This doctor was the one who I had to thank for all the help I’m currently getting!!! I’m so glad that she saw something in me and knew enough to make the right decision to get me evaluated! Anyway, I was extremely nervous to go to this appointment because I’ve never gone alone. Usually I have my mom or husband to support me, but my mom is out of town and my husband needed to go into work, so I was riding solo! I stepped on the scale and the immediate thoughts running through my head were negative and distorted. It’s hard not to evaluate myself and my self worth based on the number on the scale. I felt like the nurse judged me and I started to panic thinking this appointment was going to be out of line with the therapy and treatment I’ve been doing for binge eating disorder. I finally saw the doctor and she was less intimidating this time, and she is a really good doctor, possibly one of the best doctors I’ve EVER seen. She LISTENED TO ME and gave me the best advise and course of treatment. I’m so glad I’m going through this process with her. She asked what I think the problem is that is currently preventing me from losing weight. I told the doctor that it takes a large amount of food for me to feel physically full. She decided to prescribe me a low dose of Topiramate, an appetite suppressant. I took my first dose last night and my second pill this morning. I can already tell the difference. I think this is a game-changer! I’ll keep you updated!

Also Tuesday - Binge Eating Disorder therapist appointment with Michelle. I have really enjoyed my personal therapy sessions. We always talk about whatever I’m struggling with at that time. She is so helpful and gives me tools to combat my distorted thinking. This week we talked about my thoughts surrounding my weight. The number is something that always seems to send me into destructive thoughts, which leads to binge eating, which leads to more destructive throughts, and then more bingeing and so on and so on. First, I have been able to identify the thought, and then challenge it. I’ve only been in therapy for a little over two months, but I’ve learned so much and progressed so much!

And also still on Tuesday - Binge Eating Disorder Nutritionist appointment with Sharon. In the past, going to see a nutritionist always ment a lot of rules and guidelines around what to eat, when to eat, how much to eat, etc. All of these things. But for anyone with Binge Eating Disorder, these rules and strict eating guidelines can do more harm than good. Instead, with my nutritionist I talk about food in a new way. All food is just that - food. It isn’t good or bad (no judgements) but instead it is just food. The first thing I’ve had to learn is that it is okay to eat. Diet mentality has me brainwashed into believing all these rules about eating that have led to me having distorted thinking, which leads to bingeing. Just being given permission to eat when I feel hungry has actually cut back on my eating because I stop and ask myself “am I physically hungry or just feeling some other emotion that is driving me to eat.” It has been a huge change in my thinking about food. We’ve focused on so many other great things together, but the thing that we reviewed this week is the H.A.L.T. way of thinking. It gives the four main reasons people eat. H stands for hunger, which is our body’s cue that we need energy or food. A stands for Anger/Anxious, feeling these emotions can lead to eating. L stands for Lonely/Bored and T stands for Tired. If you can HALT before you eat and figure out which reason you are using to eat, it will help you make the decision if food will fix the problem. The only one of these that food fixes is if you are Hungry. Otherwise, food might make you feel better in the moment if you are bored, tired, upset, but it will only mask these things until they come back. I’m tracking my eating in an app called Recovery Record. This is so different from all other types of food tracking methods because it doesn’t count calories or points. Instead, it asks you to identify emotions when you are eating, and there is also a small place to journal your thoughts. This has proven very helpful for me! I encourage others who are struggling to use it! Our appointments are only 30 minutes, but I learn so much from them!!

Friday (today) - Binge Eating Disorder Group. This was the 6th week of a 17 week group/class. This isn’t a traditional “group” where you sit in a circle and talk about your feelings. It is more like a class, an education in this eating disorder I have and a group of four other women who also struggle with Binge Eating Disorder. It is a three hour class, which sounds like a long time, but it really does goes quickly! The first hour is led by a therapist, Lisa, and we discuss different ways of battling our distorted thinking. It’s great to have other people to bounce ideas off of who get it. The second hour is with a nutritionist, Niki, who gives us tools for how to deal with eating situations that come up, or with guest speakers who come in and talk with us. The third hour is a meal. We work on the skills we’ve talked about. It has been great!

If you made it this far, thank you so much for reading!

#binge eating #binge eating disorder #b.e.d. #solo #doctor appointment #appointments #long post #personal #update #recovery

[blackdogmelancholyooc]

Reflection

So starting on Monday I will be having a consultation with a surgeon for top surgery. In about a months time, I can schedule my surgery and then from there it only keeps going. 

Everything has been happening so fast and its honestly hard to believe. Simply for the fact that I did not find it possible when I first came out as trans. I think the hardest thing for me was simply the fact that I knew this was me, and it was who I was truly ment to be, but getting there was hard. 

I am also putting this under the cut due to for mention of suicide and depression.

So I cut my hair, ordered a binder(Which was too tight and hurt a great deal) but I wore it anyways, found a name that suited me from a comic, simply cause I felt the character and name fit me. And went from there.

It was a struggle and it was by no means easy in terms of family and relationships. While most people have this perception that all families love their transgender children due to stories on facebook or what not, that is not the case.

My mother cried and screamed when I came out to her as Transgender in late 2013. She threw me into therapy, told me that I betrayed her and she kept asking why she was a bad parent. Stating that all she wanted was a girl and never once did she want a boy. It was a terrible time, my depression worsened and every time she called me she, it cut me deeply. I was basically alienated, I hid in my room and when I exited it, there was silence and we didn’t speak for a long time. I felt like I wasn’t me in my own skin or I wasn’t allowed to be. That I was an abomination and the whole world turned its back on me.  There was no moral support with her for the first six months to a year. It was awful and I wanted to kill myself. All I wanted to do was simply give release and leave the world. I cut myself several times within the process of this time, crying, hiding away, avoiding people and everything. 

 However I didn’t go through with killing myself, as its obvious since I’m here. 

The greatest support I had and still do was my wife. Twice when she first moved in, I mentioned who I thought I was male and that I was always ment to be. I brought up the question of what if I was male, would she still love me and all. Every time she said “It doesn’t matter if you are male or female, you are the person I love”. And I think it was that very sentiment that made me have the bravery to escape my shell and be me. I simply wanted to truly be who I was ment to be. She is the greatest woman I know, because she had my back, defended me against my mother and others. And still defends me to this day, and not just me-- all people who are transgender.

Within time, my mother saw that this was who I wanted to be, and gave me some support. It was still filled with tension, but she accepted me to a degree. Calling me by my correct pronouns, calling me by my preferred name.  It wasn’t till 2017 that she noted me as her son. My mother, being who she is, granted very awkward. Sent me a pendant with the word ‘son’ in it. 

I cried, I held it close and cried. It was a break through that I thought would never happen. It was small, but it was enough.

I have had great moral support through my wife and various friends, and it simply touches my heart. If I hadn’t met my therapist I wouldn’t know where I would be. Likely dead in a street somewhere, but I am thankful to be alive and healthy. 

My name is Avery, I am a 24 year old transgender male, 9 months on T. 

And in the next coming months, I will have had top surgery.

#Transgender #reflection #tw: sucide mention #tw: self-injury #tw: self harm #trans #trans male #transgender male #ftm #f2m #pre top surgery #9 months on T

[bestillmybeefyheart]

So if yo missed my post yesterday, haven’t followed me before or don’t remmeber... I wanted to recap my life for you since March 2016. I do so because I literally, and I mean that literally, was, I dont eve know the word... Blessed (life not faith wise) with such amazing results and news after a long hard struggle. So here’s a summary.

Up until March 2016, I was 178lbs of muscle, training to be a boxer, could go many rounds in the ring and take a beating and I trained every day, be it hiking, biking, the gym, walking, you name it.

I had just begun a very long slow taper of Benzodiazepines, whichI was kicking ass at so far at this point. This journey was goign to take me 2 years at that point and is another story.

On March 24th (I believe) of 2016, I had a seemingly minor bicycle accident while riding to my doctors office, then the gym. I tried to hop up onto a curb, but due to heat exhaustion, dehydration and having just ridden 10 miles approx, I was not up to the task. I hit the curb at an angle, faster then I realized, and my front wheel made it, the back did not. Result, broken leg at the ankle.

I had surgery that required 2 plates and 10 screws, and due to the nature of the break, my surgeon who is quite skilled, had to work extra hard to put me back together the best he could.

I then spent months healing on the sofa, lost ALL of that muscle I had worked so hard for, gained weight, but was actually lighter then I had been and my spirit and heart were broken. But I did not let that pull me down. I did everyting I was told by the doctor. Everything. My progress was sped up by my previous amazing physical fitness levels right up to the incident, even though I had waited since due to inactivity.

Once I got permission to start PT, I had to learn to walk again. This was very scary. Not only did I have no idea how far I could go before the damage I caused became a roadblock, but it was painful beyond belief. It also tore my mental status into shreads. BUt, I kept going, as my Dr and PT person told me, no matter how hard.

Months later, and 2 months before I should have been to this point, I was walking again. The Orthopedist and my Dr were both thrilled and complimented me on m progress. Knowing how bad my break was, its location, and how most people deal with this stuff, they gave me encourage ment and a reminder that I could do this.

I kept working hard, furthering my progress. Eventually getting permission to bicycle again. Thanks to my eBike’s help, I used it to do even more rehabilitation and it also sped up my recovery. Plus it made me feel great again, free, happy, and that sense of accomplishment was just making me glow. But deeper inside I was still scared to death, in a good amount of pain, and worried. Doctor then had me do more PT at home, from 1-3x a day to 4-8x a day. And I did, every single day.

Well, this change in frequency improved my ROM (Range of Motion) dramatically, so much so that I could walk down stairs normally again for the first time in over a year. But, it also caused me to hit the first and biggest hurdle yet, one I could never get over... I had reached my newly set bone’s limit during dorsal and plantar movement. That’s forward and backward movement like pushing on the gas in your car (plantar) and bending your ankle back (dorsal).

My bone in my leg was now hitting my Talus bone (this is the bone your leg moves forward and backward on to make your foot move those directions) when I bent it far enough, just short of my good ankle’s natural limit. This wasn’t a muscle stretch problem it was a hard limit, for life. I was devastated and spiraled into a depression, but i kept biking, walking best I could and worked through best I could.

While this was happening, this working out and PT etc, I was in pain, all the time. It started to go from a hospital 3-4 (0-10 scale), to a 5-7, then 6-8, and soon it was 8 daily. It got so bad I passed out multiple times from the pain, got even more depressed not even realizing why, and eventually told my PCP Dr, who told me to tell my Orthopedist. I did, and we decided to try taking out the plate, and while he was in there, he was going to see what the impinging point was and why. We hoped for a magic solution, maybe it was a small piece of bone that had come off or something in the hardware we hoped.

Those screws I mentioned? They were also through the whole bone and poking into my leg muscle inside. I thought maybe that is causing internalized pain as well as pain I could feel? Hoped maybe it might help if they weren’t there. And so the doctor did the surgery, 3 weeks ago, removed the plate and screws and found nothing but what he should.

Mom told me he told her with a disappointed look on his face right after surgery that he found nothing magic, but it was otherwise a success. And we geared up for 2 months+ of healing and rehabilitation.

Within 3 days, I was on my feet, no crutches, no boot.

Within a week, I was walking better then I had since the surgery in 2016.

And the most important parts... removing the plate and screws had STOPPED the agonizing pain. I went from a 6-8 the day of, to a 5 maybe right after, days later, I was 1-2 max.

During this whole time, and this is the 2nd important part, my blood pressure was sky high the whole time. We had no clue why and blamed it on my Benzo taper. But, those screws I mentioned that were inside my leg meat, THEY were the cause of not just the pain but my high blood pressure. I didn’t know this until I was checked at my last Orthopedist appt, and then reconfirmed yesterday when my 190/107 BP went to 120/90.

I know this is a long story, but it’s been part of my life, the pain, the healing, the agony, the mental anguish, all of it, they’ve been here since the first surgery. And now, minus the talus impingement, I felt better then I had in ways I can’t explain. I told the dr at one point that if the surgery to remove the plate didnt work, I wanted him to cut off the foot and part of the leg, it was that bad.

Today, I sit here typing to you, normal blood pressure, almost no pain, light discomfort after a long day of moving the ankle, and a different man.

The moral here, beyond reminding you that I have been through hell and I came back flipping off the devil, is...

Don’t give up.

Don’t stop trying.

Always do what your doctor says.

And always educate yourself. Me learning how the leg and ankle works, examining x-rays, all of that helped me to help the doctors make me better.

I am the same guy I was before, just out of shape and cannot run or jog again for the rest of my life, nor can I hike without poles and good boots. But, I overcame one hell of an obstacle.

So if you struggle with something, don’t take it laying down, learn about your problems, what goes on in your body or life that might cause them, and talk to your doctors, therapists or whomever. And never ever give up.

I’m going to be 50 this December. I have the heart of a 25 year old athelete. I am proof that age has nothing to do with it. It’s all about what you can put into it.

Thanks for reading if you got this far. I hope someone finds this inspirational, as I want to shout it from the rooftops. I am -that- much happier. Unmeasurablely so.

#broken leg #trigger #possibly gross #journey #my story

[ecogoth1]

not long ago my grandma like 5 years ago my grandparents where married almost 90 years. the last two years of her life she could barely watch or listen to anything or write.. i would call her on the phone every chance i got. and we go over her dreams and memories and fears.. sadness she loved me.. her and Grandfather would litterally hurt everyone who stolen lied brought meth in my home when I was supposed to be having the type care at home that you get a nursing home.. what ive done the last 7 months is a miracle.. Now my body heading back the other way.. for millionth time. its hard to pysically speak i shake inside when i talk.. i can sing certain things for months i tried to communicate with everyone because for years i asked for help my life has been inside a home like boy in the bubble but i got to go walk around where i live. no real hiking here... 10 years of people promising to take me to places you take for granted... or to food giveaways.. to get clothes.. i have had much in the way of clothes. nor been able to wash them. I gave up going to nursing home when i git out surgery years ago to stay alive for my son.. because i love him my family said not to expect anyone to help that ment they wouldn't help my son.. if i hadn't stayed here stayed alive amy be in prison for adler missing school Darlene would never had Logan she knows why. i would never got this home biggest home ive ever had my whole life.. that they couldn't take away from me and my son.. it was my dream to have family dinners for holidays or be invited.. i took home economics as kid I hung out in the kitchen i never stopped progressing mentally because i wanted more anything in life just to be included and be a father.. now all the families have treated me like crimnal and a drug addict since i started going to church at 13 ... when i wasn't allowed to dont believe me. look in my room in the closet at 4932 Rochelle Irvine ca 92070 i hadcseceret room back there id hide my christain stuff.. not one of you shelly billy lisa the cusions went church with me or grandmother hell i went with GreatGrandma to the temple in salt lake.. https://www.instagram.com/p/Bwgiqu9nm6a/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1pfcifwrgkvkj

[cannolicas]

Secret relationship with Jungkook

♡ The Love started when you were young

♡ like realy young

♡ highschool young

♡ you were 15 and so was he when you 'met'-and by met I mean he just stared at you shyly for months bc he was angstious

♡he was a new trainee, and girls were flocking to him and he, being shy, hated this new popularity. He just wanted to be a quiet nerd, with a beautiful geeky girlfriend in fact he fantasized about the quiet life he wished the two of you had.

♡you were a new student in his highschool. Aperently you dad was some businessman who moved your family to Seoul for work, after you grew up in England, Rome, France and Singapore.

♡you were v shy.

♡ just like him- the him he liked and felt like home.

♡you had a cute lil stutter and blushed a lot, and he was obsessed (in a non creepy way)

♡he would just daze off lovingly and smile at every little thing you did.

♡so he was just so drawn to you

♡ you, little ole you, sitting with your head in a book drinking little sips of your aloe, taping your clean nails against the table, trying to keep to yourself so the queenkas wouldn't pick on you again.

♡he thinks your super pretty.

♡and of corse you think he’s handsome I mean he’s beautiful

♡He was so angstious he asked makeup noonas for help, like how do I talk to a girl anbunch of 19 year old boys raised me ahhhim scared.

♡he would just come up to you on a rainy day when a lot of kids didn't come in- less fear that day.

♡maybe 10 other people in the normally 100 person cafeteria. Rich kids don't come on in the rain.

♡"Hey" "o-oh H-Hey"

♡ "can I sit here?"

♡ "O-oh Sorry I'll move"

♡"no I ment with you"

♡"o-oh"

♡and boom, he fell hard in love, and you hated were scared to admit that you did to.

♡his first love and is last.

♡ after a few months of sitting, staring, and asking the time/date/your ringsize and how you like ya eggs in the morning after the good good he confessed.

♡but see, he was about to debut as an idol at that time.

♡you all ready knew how hard it was for him to do this, he called you his only escape a million times

♡ you decided to date in secret, or Just keep doing what you were doing. You grounded him, kept him sane.

♡it was hard, but here you were, blood sweat and 2 years later and he was admiting to his members.

♡ "hyungs theres a girl. I-I love her"

♡they were sceptical ofcorse.

♡ like who the fuck is this gold diggin hoe after out Kookie. They thought any girl the makane would be home would be a bitchy mrs popular, and only after fame.

♡’there just after your fame, jeonguk’ hoseok said softly, not to upset the baby.

♡”no hyung she’s different-she's Y/N, you don't get her"

♡but then they met you and they got it.

♡you were v sweet and v shy and v cute

♡Kookie met the only person ever shyer then him. To the boys they were like ¿?¿wow?¿? clone much?¿?

♡ you literally used him as a human shield, and bowed while formally addressing the members. Always using honorifics and it was so funny to them bc you were like when they first met kookie.

♡"oh my fucking god these dorks"- yoongi

♡like Namjoon was shook after watching you two talk in Jungkooks room, which you thought was private. After he was like this girl realy loves Jungkook

♡ you had a heavy stutter and hugged Jungkook in a clingy koala way when you talked to him, looking up at him, deep in his eyes, as he played with your hair.

♡and it made Kookie gush like ahhh my baby's so cute.

♡you were the only person ever who saw him as big and strong, and he ate that sit up. Ｌｏｖｅｄ it

♡ "I-I don think they like me, jeo-kookie" you said, with a few tears.

♡a-and I know how much you love them like brothers and I don’t want to devide you all”

♡"why? What's not to like? It's you Jagi"

♡ "I-i don't think they think I'm good enough. Their right your so handsome Jungkook you could get a queenka if you wanted but your wit-"

♡he kisses you and shuts you up.

♡ "I love you. And I'm with you because I want you, only you. They don't love me for me, but you do, baby. I'll be by your side forever" "promise?" "I'll die on that promise. Your my life"

♡ you hugged him and he smiled. "They'll come around to you. Your the best. I know that will"

♡'ok boys she's good enough'-Namjoon

♡ you almost broke up once, tho

♡you did it to protct him, his image, his brand and his fandom. Gf= bad

♡he didn’t like the idea and neither did you, but you insisted even though it hurt like a knife to the heart. It was so fucking hard on you. You didn't leaves your bed, just crying for 2 days.

♡ but two days later he want having it. He herd about your state from your sister and he wa steady to kill the jerk who hurt you so... himself?

♡never gonna give u up

♡it was like a movie, crying in the rain and hungrily kissing. "I love you your never leaving me again"

♡ that night you got back together you shared your first time in a hotel room

♡yes it was very romantic and sweet and emotional and the aftercare was on point and you just cuddled him as he whispered in your ear about your future for hours and it was so wpsweet hou criend and it was just beautiful.

♡ next day Jungkook had they glowy 'I just got fucked' look

♡they were on set for a mv, And as grown ass men they know that look.- the 'I just got fucked look'

♡’yall finaly fucked?’-Hoseok

♡’no hyung we made love’

♡ and your were a little bit more confident after that

♡meaning that now you too, believed in your love and would fight for it! This was it!!!

♡ so you did.

♡ flash forward to age 20

♡blood sweet, and 5 years later (lol).

♡ management just found out about you

♡in a realyyyyyy bad way

♡ you got stabbed by a saesang in a grocery store when you kissed Jungkook as he petted your tummy affectionately.

♡ but it's even worse-don't tell anyone it's a secret- Shh your 9 weeks along

♡yEs I mEaN pReGgErS

♡ Jungkook called management crying

♡he spilled all about y'all (except the baby thing)

♡like ‘I might loose everything hyung' (exact words to Namjoon later)

♡ and of corse they handled international police on the crazy bitch for him while making arrangements for the best suite in the hospital.

♡ considering how Namjoon flies into bangs office yelling about how great you are you were now family to big hit.

♡all 6 boys vouged for you as family

♡ VVVIP epward secured for ya post op- aka after surgery

♡3 longggg (6 hours plus, like 20 hours of surgery) surgeries.

♡ Jungkook was a mess.

♡first two were the riskiest. And he cried for hours.

♡ spent that time explaining the relationship to management, from high school to now(minus the secret baby)

♡ they rolled you back into the room and Jungkook went crazy.

♡ hugged you, petted your tummy, said how much he loved you, and you two just talked, and cried, and snuggled and cried and called his mom and he told stupid jokes and you just giggled until you saw management

♡then y'all panicked- it was jumping but the. A nurse came in.

♡ "don't worry, Mr.Jeon, as we just told mrs. Y/L/N, your baby is perfectly fine, and they affected. Perfect as new"

♡as blessed as the new father felt he was a little worked abput something else.

♡’Well hyung Y/Ns tired you should leave’

♡ haha to late- you've herd of anger management, but what about 'angry management ™️''?

♡ JeOn JuNgKoOk whAt Do YoU mEaN pReGnAnT?!? NoT iN mY lObBy

♡"we will discuss this later, Jungkook. Just take care of your familly for now, they've been through a lot today' (*breaks door handle from squeezing anger ly and has,little baby stress stroke*)

♡ calm now, but rip Jungkook l8r tho

♡happily ever after

[throwingideasatthewall]

Clone Wars      Revenge

Fun fact; I acc-         idental-ly started the wrong episode

       [So a little Spoiled]

   Didn’t make it far past the intro of          “Re-Vival,”

     [Past           “Outer Rim,”]

      Onto the actual             episode;

       [Logo Red]                   Still weakest-

      [also yeah whatever happened to      Grievous?

     Like, he complained about it being           beneath him,

      And then      we never saw him        again,

    That entire-    episode;

    As well as        Ana kin;

   That entire        dinner          scene;

      [Seriously was that only for cheap trick to     establish tension?.]      [Obi         -Wan           ]  

      Oh yeah      he straight up       murdered         a person

      [Fun.     -          little de          tail-]

       (Like yeah he murders a lot of people        but I’m pretty sure      that was a big one)

    -

  Any how,    

     ?           Aight             -      oh yeah 

return    -ing       to the abuser-

    -       

   ?    Can      Relate-          -    B-r

   He’s - basically screaming

     Also couldn’t you just set it to auto pilot -

     - and go take care of him?

      Like - I know it’s a junker

       Also-

  Oh,

   You left the person-

    Who are you found curled            -up,           Under several things-            Of garbage-             In a quite literal            labyrinth,

         In an enclosed space            ~with no way to get to you-             ~ if something goes wrong           and/or              they feel afraid

            ~Like~          Trauma is it’s own animal and venting is fucking weird

          But if you’re going to be involved-

            I don’t think throwing them in the back is the best idea-

            Like yeah

           The idea in this case is sending them to accoun-                 tability-

           With just           them-selves-

            But the difference-

           Is it just a sterile environment         with the basics they need to survive,

            And an environment that is stable and pretty            much completely in their control,

          [as much that can be allowed]

           Here there are  plenty of boxes                   (Things out of               control-)         and the vehicle is constantly moving

            No wonder        dude’s               freaking                 Out,

           [You’re                  Damn-

   [Point        being;

      Savage’s           bedside             manner;          Accoun-tability?                Pretty               bad,

                 [Like even I am most known for my                       vengeance,                         And you know it’s bad                        when I’m telling you to cut him a                      fecking break]

                     Like                          dude’s                    pathetic,

                    [Can’t help pity-                         ]                        [Enabler]

 That also makes a lot of sense

Like, yeah he’s far above the ground

         When stability-

   [Dude ate the full       tox]

 [Like dude completely bought his own        lies]

 I-  don’t know how to feel about that situation other than please take him to accountability  before he hurts him self        Please,

 ,

Yeah gaslighting will clearly help    toaster strudel,       here,

      ?            ?

    How are you supposed to do that when           you trapped him in an         en-closed           Space-

         ?

        Dude some ship contain-ers shifted and now you’re blaming him for not moving,

        (Like I get the implication that he scared and he moved it in front but we really didn’t see much to indicate that)

       Like they just moved on their     own,

    And dude did literally nothing to help his cornered brother out of the thing

    [like I’m not for enabling tox]

   But self-defense and         anticipatory           [as well as innocent until            done guilt,                   “

   Is pretty high     on my list of reserv         -ations,

         [Gen             Stick as close to              Account.                as possible,               -]

            ?

          Yeah probably a good idea           considering War zone,

            ?

           Yeah they’ve         been dead for a while and did it largely of their              own regard-                  ,

              ?

            Yeah             sucks for him,

           Coming back,

              To this

             [also you think the Flashy amulet would be telling him not to because you know the attack ,

             Green smoke

             [Time to get        gasolighten]        -          ?

    Mother-       -         He-re

   Clearly dead

   [and your      Gen clearly didn’t have medical on staff              .               Like yeah they have magic that can bring back the dead but they don’t know first aid,

         Great

 [For witches they really don’t know a lot about      herbs and      stuff

  (The Cauldron       yeah,)

    Which is weird because   mred is generally associated with physical    knowledge

   (The science       s)

   And he did a real good job,

    Like we-akest dude on the board whose job amounts to         widespread warfare           (But a pretty disastrous record in          guerilla warfare)

        And you still lost him with the late present playing in              (What was even their focuses              ?)

      Su-rvive

     Lady, there is one of you,

     Two if you count Ventress,

  Unless,

   Oh no

   Nope keep your weird       creepy re-venge        cult,

      In the past,

      ?

       -

    “Would,”

          [which is why            I didn’t get him                 myself         ]

                    [Better]

                    [For                        Every

                     One,]

        “Damage                  ed,”

     Which is why I brought            him to you              Gas-lighter                         -                   “Life,”

    Oh instead of taking into accountability

         Let’s subject him to more                 abuse;

            Some                   Thing             The past        is tox,

  Would definitely be better for him to wake up in a nice        warm place with food,

    Kenobi

   Didn’t he     just rem-ember that         now?

      Like;

     Why is there the        rattling of chains?

     (Oh yeah let’s re-introduced to          enabler to its toxic abuser;

        Like yeah           I know it’s still there            because he didn’t deal with it,

          But he’s clearly not in the head space

            [Seriously just send the bastard to accountability]

                  [empathetically]                          Gas light

                     [i’m trying not to make as many jokes about the gaslighting but that is a literal gaslight]

                     Hey isn’t that the    illusion of help,

                     [Also how is that supposed to help with the        crates?]

     Also yeah wouldn’t that piss him off more because of light, light saber the last time that occurred?

     [Like I’m not saying don’t use herbs on the guy who got injured, I’m just saying try to make it less pain...ful?

              Ok, seriously those boxes were a lot hotter to move a few seconds ago what the heck

        [it’s not major.     but it is a minor          thing?]

          .                  F-ollow

        And make the injured, toxic dous-ed-              Person run,

           (This family’s bedside manner is               fuckin awful,

             His horns?

              Seriously is no one          going to help him,

               ?

   And a graveyard

    Perfect nothing better to put your patients at ease then being surrounded by the dead women’s of the last patients

                 Great

    Guessing the surgery isn’t going to be approved by any            surgeons lately-

         ?

        Un-attainable

         ?

       Geez,

        Like some herbs could’ve done that you didn’t need to     poke him,

        Like how is that supposed to help him go to    sleep?

      ?

      That’s clearly not sleeping,

       Which is good because that’s not a           Gaslighter talent         (TALENT is used          very loosely here,)

     “Symptom”       is more           like it,

        [Like, that was         fear as he fell back and she        poked him in the face,]

Aw,

  [This was way too screwed up to be             Complete acceptance of guilt                    And healing,

               So,

              Symbolism wise,

    I’m going to have to go with more gaslighting

  Aka, pretending to fix the       issue,

      Because that’s not how it works in either a       psychological sense or            (Obvious               ly           Medical)

                                                        The witches                                                              practice                                                           pho-science

                          Not a line                              I’d thought                            I’d be uttering,

                                   But up to this point they’ve been keeping it mostly on point for gaslighting        (Sy-mbolism)

                       Here it   kinda breaks down,

                        Like, how

Unless    it’s higher point.

     But No.

    Scene         doesn’t really make       sense,

 (Like the     ani-      mation have no idea what    theo-      retically          is going on,

         Emotions,                Nada,

 Damn, herbs       Lady, herbs,

  Like,        I don’t-      Think        The      Medicals        Would          Be         Too       Happy,          With the lack           of            anesthetic              There,

       (Like             Geez-  Think dude would        ra-

      ?

  (Like that’s some       tox feckin      medical lady,)

    Also great now he’s gone unconscious from stress; hopefully you didn’t emotionally scar the bastard,

       Geez,

     Yeah I would’ve that kinda      frozen terror reaction to if that shit happen  

    “Ow!”

     Like, dude, no wonder,

    ?

    Feels wrong,

    Oh, those were his feet

    Also yeah leave your patient in a terrifying          ce-met-        ery

   I don’t think anyone could       blame       me for feeling bad for this guy at this point,

    Like lady is a bunch of malpractices wrapped in a bunch of         ‘fucking don’t’

     Terrible bedside

        Tor-ment-

         Legs

     [Honestly, surprised         dude isn’t screaming in terror, pain and agony

      [That take some serious breathing exercises]

      [excuse me if I sound a bit pho-science]           ]

      Geez

    Re-stored

   Not the      word,

   Some humor      might’ve been appreciated there

    Also yeah what about his organs and      shit?

     How.

   [i’m getting too much in the    medical.

   Just,

   This,     shouldn’t have wor      -k       -ed           -            Seriously 

   That is your reaction?

   [I was honestly expecting          his vocal cords             to be shot,]

      Like I was not expecting Lord Butter              of the Fucking Edgy

        Was expecting like a       stutter or some thing,

      [You know a gradual recovery       Period]

      Dude talking like it’s been a few months, a few years since this whole thing went down

     “ oh yes it was a very dark place.”

        Like I feel like that’s kind of cheating,

         Like,

         That shouldn’t            have fixed it,

         You just ran past a very             interesting conflict           with space magic-

         [Like I guess I don’t have to worry about his grudges              with anyone]

       -and Tal-Zin surprisingly didn’t use this make the        trauma go away button with           Ventress

            [That feels like              cheating,]

             Oh, so he has probl-e-ms                 sta-nding?

               [Like, what?

                Is the            problem?

                 ]

                 Also yeah don’t help him at all dude

           Like going on about how           im-portant he is-

                                  I mean his bed-side-

            No on second thought you stay over there, you’ll probably attempt to gaslight him otherwise,

             Anyway after that Adventure in  Malpractice and Gaslighting                    ,              Dark music,

            Just stumbles          ar-ound,

       Sur-vive

       ?

      Was that an an-swer?

       I-

     Well that went from Captain Butter I-am-       Over-it,

     To Murder,

    Pretty damn         fast,

       ,

     Also what about the male tribe,       you know where these guys came from?

    Like Ventress only screwed with a small portion of    them,

    (Like a significant portion of their offspring        , but not the whole village)

       Then that other          village?

       (The one-   on the other planet?)

     Any-way,

    Stop

 Well this just went    from one to     basket Case-       -  

[Ok where did this come from?]

  [what’s-       with the soliloquy)         ]

    -        Found

   Seriously,

    Whoa,

    Like that   anger takes time to build up,

   Don’t get me     wrong   I’m no expert on space magic;

  However this is why I have issue with magic;

                  [Specifically                         non-elemental;                         (Earth, water                         fire, air,                            And                          Lightning)

                          Because you have to be really specific about what it represents and get the side effects right

         Otherwise it’s just a reality breaking                    cheap trick,

                     Skipping past a lot of interesting    conflict and emotions,

                     [Had they done that and just started it off at   some     random           Emotional)         Plot point)

       I think I could follow              -ed it easier,              (Or at all)

        Because right now he’s just acting very inconsistently and        irrationally

  (And not the           emotional     “drank the whole bottle of          tox,”           ,The puppet shouting lines with no connection with each other, making absolutely no sense            Kind

 Like “Congrats, you’ve got the emotion        now you need the consistency,”

      (You can’t have your time skip      and        your emotional conflict too,

    They are connected    and you have to earn them,

         E-motion

   (Yeah,        people who swallowed the whole tox pill don’t tend          To be        very good at that,)

      That’s why they’re sent accountability

       So there’s no additional pressure

       (And they can go through the long relatively painful process in as much peace as possible,  should they decide            to,

      In-stead of stewing in their own      mi-sery-            -                |.  

         ?

    Heck did you find     that?

     Like he and his light saber presumably fell to the ground and will deliver to the same dump,

      (Is that Savage’s?)

        ?

          Or an        instigating abuser who has less power than literally anyone else                 (Their victims)

            Aside from the                Gen break,

              -                   Great recap

             It’s completely unnatural 

     and forced,

              [Like you could’ve had him slowly regain his memory and repeat this back,

         This being like a prime recovery arc moment

           The arc words     of recovery,

      But you rushed it

       Now, it’s non-       sense,

       [This is why    you have to take time doing things,]

         Heck it didn’t even have to be an               arc long-

           Maul runs the top of a hill,                 With Savage- cha                  s-ing,

              [Stops suddenly,]

               [Silence]

               [you get a nice cinematic shot of the sun or some of the     celestial bodies,

     [with the emotions im-plied of      someone who just came back to        life-]

       [and is seeing the world         sentient for the first time,             ]

        “I-

          [Fumbled                   for              Words]

             I- was                   -The                      Appren-

               [Really adding               that depth of                 loss,]

                 [Savage possibly                        taking his shoulder,                     possibly emphasizing                            a new edge                          to his character,      An empathetic one,

                   “you can start anew,”

                    “C’mon let’s head back to the                      ship,”  

                       [Guide Maul back to the ship

                        [Dying sunlight]             

 For some      humor;         *Turns           Back,            Keys           hanging           off          finger,”

     “you can ride          in the front           this time             around,”

     [MIGHT BE TOO             FLUFFY]

    [Can adjust       using color scheme;         And more aggressive              tone,]

           So, yeah, that was episode              [not the side pieces]

    The first half         was         relatively good...

      Before promptly descending into        bat shit insanity        (Not in the good               way....)

      [Around the resurrection of Maul              from the           gas magic)

  From there,         The tone gets pretty thin        and intel..

     With the brief whiff           of emotion,

        That barely passes decent            on the fun scale,

          Not passing fun

         Just luke warm humor,

             Over images                  happening,

             With little (or-no                   connection)-

                ?                       [They still haven’t fixed Obi-wan’s                           eyes,                           Or his tone,                             Or his                               face,

                           Man is like an expression- less       Emotion-less doll,]

                               Competing with Anakin                                  for the youngest looking Jedi

                              [not sure if that was the point with the re-assignment      surgery/     Facial   reconstruction).      Arc

   But they really need to talk with the med Droid         that approved that       and get a       fix,

    The inability to express emotion        isn’t cute,

     (He looks        like a toy!)

     -Not Good-

     -

[douglasmusante-blog]

There are two engine choices

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[dogon779-blog]

See you soon

Today is the day, the day when I finally get my surgery. I been waiting months for this so much pain has been built up I'm ready to be free of pain. Me and my girlfriend Ash talked about this day and thought how good life was gonna be. So May 4th I went in for my surgery, I was ready but I also was terrified but it seems like I wasn't alone as my parents and Ash were crying too. “You guys are such cry baby jezz” Said quietly with a chuckle but without knowing a tear was going down my face. Dam I was trying to keep my tears in, I didn't want them to worry about me. “Says you” My dad jokingly said, I'm just glad I'm not the only jokester. (Wooo) the door opens suddenly and the smell of a hospital floods the room like a storm. “Hey parents and mr and Ms” He laughed but his smile left fast as it came. Things got surios he went on and on about doctor talk, It only made things more scary. *Knock knock* ”Bradleigh are you ready to go?” A nurse asked. My mind went crazy I still had so much to say and so much to do all my emotions came out at once and I didn't know what do you. “Okay say your goodbyes and follow me please, Father you can come too” I followed quietly behind her not knowing where to go, Then she turned into a room *prep room* “Okay if you may just lay down on the bed for me please” she said so openly like this was the best bed in the world!? More doctors came in, I felt overwhelmed and started to panic but got myself in control. “Ok we willl put a mask on you which will make you sleepy” One of the doctors said. “ Take big breaths in and outttt, there you go just like that” “Hey can I get a bucket of chicken after this” The room filled with laughter……. *12 hours later* I was still under in drug indouced sleep I don't know how long I been sleeping but it felt like forever. My eyes creeked open very slower I must have fell back to sleep 20 times. I finally got the strength to move my head to my right and I seen my mother. “Ahinruoebeijsh” I tried to speak but I was still to sleepy to speak clearly. My mom laughed at me then I started to cry not because I wanted to just because I did. It's like a baby being born if they don't cry then something is wrong so it's a good thing I was crying it ment I still felt my back and pain. But of course my mom freaked out and ran and got a nurse, His name was Tyrone. He put medication in my iv to help the pain but before I knew it I was back asleep again. I didn't wake up until tomorrow morning but that's only because they woke me up and aslo I smelled bacon so I was ready to wake up lol. The breakfast cart was coming out and giving out breakfast, I got well my dad got me bacon, eggs and sausage. But little did I know how hard it would be to eat snice my whole Spain is in allot of pain and sensitive. So I got like 25% of one piece of bacon down before I quit. Then before knowing it I was asleep again all the way until 12 tomorrow. Let me just say these medications are very strong and they kick my ass like a kid playing kickball. So another day where I still don't know what's going to happen. But I was awoken by two lovely nurses, Jae and rox. Apptly they want to move me from my bed to a chair but remember I can barley move as is. “Okay bradleigh we are going to lift you up slowly, tell us if it hurts.” I was about to scream before they even moved me just because I was scarred. But secretly they amped up my meds just for this moment, So they started to move and I didn't even feel a thing thankfully. So eventually the nurses got me into the chair. Lucky me there was fooodddd!!!!! So in the end I was happy. But little did I know it would be my last day at that hospital before I got transferred to a rehab hospital. This is when everything went downhill, after eating and getting back into my bed. I finally decided to ask where Ash has went? My mom replied “She left shortly after you went in” I was confused because she said she would spend the whole weekend with me so why isn't she here. So I asked for my phone back and it's my first time using it snice the surgery. *Samsung startup screen* I waited for it to start then boom it's up, I was expecting a message or a missed call but there was nothing. So I was gonna sen*Knock knock* “Coming in bradleigh, Sorry for the interpurten but we moved your transfer from tomorrow to today within two hours” I didn't want to leave or move yet but I couldn't do anything about it. So my mom packed my bags and they took me to the ambulance for transferring. To be honest I was nervous again but I didn't have anyone there to support me. After a long 20min ride that felt like a lifetime we finally arrived to the rehab hospital. The doors on the ambulance opened them soon after my cart start to move. They are moving me to my new room. Where I found out I had a room mate, His name was hybob he was a Indian kid probably 9 years old but I couldn't tell why he was there, no real obvious reasons. Little later we were all set in my new “Room”. I was too tired to do anything, that trip from hospital to hospital had wore me down. So I went to sleep once again not knowing what to expect when I wake up.i slept until 5 in the morning I wanted to flip to my other side but I physically can't sense my Spain. So I lied there for about 2 hours before my dad woke up which then he called the nurse to flip me. But then they also start giving me self indouced medication instead of iv. It's so dam nasty like I wanna throw up it turns my stomach so bad. I couldn't eat because of it. So when I did eat I would eat a salad, Which is healthy but for me I don't need healthy rn. So day by day my stomach was getting worse and I ate less but I tried my best to make sure no one knew. To make everything worse my girlfriend wasn't answer, But to be honest no one was answering not even my best friend. I just needed someone to be there for me, I was struggling my mind was getting to me. I left voicemails waiting for a reply which never came, Until the very next day when my girlfriend finally called back. “Hey baby, Everything okay I haven't heard from you in a while” I said sadly “Oh sorry I didn't notice, I was busy….*in a faint voice which grew louder then boom laughter* (Male voice)” Haha I gotcha now” “Um I got to go bye” she hung up before I got the chance to even say anything. Who was that? I feel like I know that voice, Just shut up don't worry everything well be fine, i thought to myself. It was time for therapy anyways so I had to focus on getting better, We we're working out for about an hour before he let me go back to my room. As I was wheelchairing myself into my room I heard my ringtone, maybe that's my girlfriend calling back but soonly realized it wasn't a call it was a notification from Instagram. Someone sent me a video, I heard of this kid before but never really talked. So I clicked on the video and my heart stopped I couldn't believe what I was seeing. My girlfriend was making out with my best friend…. How could they, I trusted them why me, why now, just why. Its my fault I'm in this hospital, It's my fault I had to get this surgery, All of this is my fault. If I wasn't here then none of this happened but now it's to late *Grabs the iv bag line and wraps it around my neck* No one will get tthe chance to hurt me again *Wraps it tighter and throws myself off the bed making the iv choke me* I don't wanna live to tomorrow I wanna die Fuck tomorrow, I'm dieing tonight, My own life is like my kryptonite, I know this isn't right, but I lost this fight, So fuck today I'm not living tonight. No time to ask if I'm alright so just goodbye and goodnight…. *Beeeeeeeep*”Nurses to b11 we've a 212” The nurses come in and are shocked to there soul, They never ever seen something like this “Check his pulse”......”Hes gone, Wait what are these?” “ They look like cuts, Go check his file and see if he has any mental health issues” *2 mins later* “Been struggling with depression for then yeah*Ringtone blares* It was his girlfriend calling, one of the nurses pick it up “Hello?” The nurse cationly said “Umm is Kenny there? I need to talk to him” she said but Kenny isn't alive anymore, The nurse didn't know how to tell her other then just coming out “Ma'am I don't know how to tell you this but, Kenny took his own life today” The nurse mumbled. It was complete slience “Hey baby hurry up the movie is starting” Came from the background of her phone “um I will call back later” she said. The nurse yelled “Fucking hell because of you he's dead, All he needed was a friend but instead of being there for him you decided to cheat on him with his best friend” Then the nurse hung up but then suddenly “Kenny I'm here” a girl named McKenzie showed up holding flowers with such a beautiful smile which disappeared and quickly was joined with tears flowing down her face. She ran towards Kenny until one of the nurses grabbed her “KENNY NO PLEASE NO” McKenzie screamed. She was escorted out the room and taken to the waiting room. Little did Kenny know McKenzie saved up money to buy flowers and a taxi ride to get all the way there to spend a whole week with him. Now it's to late for that, He's gone forever now. *A week later at Kenny's funeral* “Kenny was a light hearted funny person, He never wanted to hurt anyone but only to help. So to see someone go through so much pain just to make other people happy, Makes me proud of him but also sad that no one wanted to make him happy. Today I wish he was here just to here his corny jokes, Knowing him he would have climbed into the casket and said “Well it's nap time see you tomorrow” *Laughter* But today is yesterdays tomorrow and he isn't here. So let's not forget him ever because he never got a tomorrow.” Kenny's dad said. “Hey Kenny's dad” McKenzie said “ Oh hey what a nice surprise, McKenzie right?” “Yeah but how did you know?” “Well Kenny talked about you and always told us stories about yall. He was grateful to call you his friend” “Aww I didn't know that, But should've knew he always liked talking”.... *Funeral ended* McKenzie stayed behind to say her final goodbyes at his grave, She talked and talked about there life and what they've done. But it ended in tears. “ Well the sun is going down so I should go home, See you soon kenny” McKenzie said. Later that week her mom went into McKenzie room but couldn't find her but noticed a letter to Kenny on her desk. Which read out “Dear Kenny I can't believe your gone, I wake everyday excepting your good morning text with a light but generous conversation. I go to school and walk the halls waiting to see your face or hear your voice but all I get is a emptiness slience. Everywhere I go and everything I do, I think about you and think how we used to do stuff. It's really hard to see everyone act like life is normal and nothing happen, But to me life will never be normal again. I still have so much to say to you but I won't get the chance too. So I will put everything in this letter.. Kenny you showed me so many beautiful things in life and gave me unforgettable memories which I will hold close forever. I always had a crush on you but you were dating Ash so i just kept it in. All I wanted is for you to be happy and if it meant letting you date Ash then let it be. So I tried my best everyday to make you smile because little to be known you had such a amazing smile which complemented your blue eyes.. God your eyes there were so filled with love and life I never get tired of them. Damnit Kenny I loved you and always wanted to tell you but I was sacred now I regret not telling you. Now I have to live with knowing I won't ever get the chance to… You were the best thing in life I had and it got taken away, I really miss you Kenny and I'll see you soon I promise” ~Mckenzie Her mom was crying by the end of the letter but wondered where she was *Woolsh* a cold breeze flew by her neck. She looked behind her and seen a open window, Her heart sunk. It took everything to walk to the window and look down to see her precious daughter laying completely face first 27 floors down on the road. McKenzie took her life at age 16…. The end