Crack HC, because is there any other kind?
Bruce realises embarrassingly late that his Batkids can’t swim.
Gotham’s beach water is pure chemicals and sewage, and the city’s public school funding doesn’t exactly prioritise teaching kids to swim. Steph, Duke and Jason had never seen a swimming pool before meeting Bruce.
Tim’s parents meant to sign him up for swim lessons after he fell into their indoor fountain when he was three and nearly drowned - it would have been so embarrassing if it happened when they had guests! - but forgot.
So Bruce is like. Oh no my baby-soldiers must learn to swim.
Damian insists that since the League trained him to withstand waterboarding, he’s fine. Bruce pulls a muscle in his cheek from clenching his jaw so hard.
Dick insists that he can swim and manages one impressive mermaid-style undulation before becoming disoriented and slamming into the wall.
Duke covers himself in floaties and clings to a pool noodle for dear life, eschewing dignity because “this isn’t how I die”.
Conversely, Tim sinks like a stone, curls up on the bottom of the pool, and waits for death.
Cass, with the lowest body fat percentage, also sinks but manages to squeeze into one of the drains. She re-emerges six hours later in an estuary in New Jersey.
Steph refuses to let go of the wall by the deep end, scuttling away like a crab when Bruce tries to poke her into the water with a skimmer net.
Jason scoffs at them all and manages a perfect swan dive before flailing and crashing into Steph, causing both of them to panic and use each other as ladders to get out.
Alfred asks Barbara for the security camera footage and makes everyone watch it twice a year to keep their egos in check.
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Bruce before a gala: Alright, rules for tonight. No arson, no one gets married. No pulling the fire alarm. No punching people, faking a medical issue to get out of it, or doing the Gangnam Style dance. No ER trips, no graffiti, and no spiking the punch. No killing anyone, setting anything on fire, or playing Jenga with the furniture. No putting dish soap in the indoor fountain. And NO confetti poppers.
Jason:….. it’s like you just handed us a bingo card of things to do, B.
Tim: I hadn’t even considered the medical thing.
Damian: *silently hides the dish soap behind his back*
Dick: Ah, my entire childhood right there.
Bruce: That reminds me. Also no swinging on the chandeliers.
Stephanie: Well Dick ruined all our fun before we even got here didn’t he. Rude.
Dick: I’m a good example.
Bruce: You are a very not good example. Let’s go.
Alfred: Ah, they grow up so fast. *hands Damian more soap as he walks past*
Duke: I’m scared of all of you and also confused how so many of you made it to adulthood.
Bruce: I can’t figure it out either. The closest I can figure is sheer dumb luck and Alfred.
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Always loves those fics or headcanons where the Justice League just has no clue about the existence of the Batfamily. And usually it's because Bruce wanted to maintain his image of being all mysterious or because he wants to protect his family or something.
But I think it's infinitely better if he just assumes they know. Like, Dick has been around since he was like 10, and he's into his 30's now, Bruce assumes that he had to come up in conversation at some point.
Besides, as secretive as they are, the news in Gotham has to pick up on and connect the family together, at least vaguely, so surely the rest of the league has taken note of that. Signal fights crime in broad daylight, for christ's sake.
Except, in general, they just don't. Sure, Superman and Wonder Woman maybe know, but Flash? Green Arrow? No.
Then one day they need extra hands on a mission, so a handful of the various bats and birds are called in, cue bafflement. On both sides.
Because Bruce assumes that he doesn't need to explain himself. Everyone else assumes he's being secretive on purpose.
Barry: Why did you never tell us you have an entire family/small vigilante army hiding in Gotham?
Bruce: My children are literally friends with the rest your family.
-cue Wally and Bart speeding past them the moment they see Dick and Tim from across the room-
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So my Batfamily brain rot is back (not that it ever really left) and I just had a thought like…
If you’re a henchman/criminal in Gotham, seeing your life flash past your eyes is gonna be a somewhat regular occurance but… what if like… the thing that truly made a henchman’s heart fall to his ass was when they hit Robin just a little too hard and this 10 year old kid just starts crying and goes ‘Daaaaaadddd!’
That’s the moment when they truly think they’re going to die because said dad, the kid is calling for is a 6’6 demon from hell who’s all muscle and shadows and vengance and a lot of Gotham still thinks he’s a cryptid
The henchmen all drop their guns and try to calm the kid down but it’s over in 5 seconds flat. Batman breaks several bones before speaking to Robin in the softest voice they’ve ever heard him use and the criminal world, who was already a bit hesitant to fight a kid have even more reason to take it just a little easy on Robin.
And like, I can picture different reactions with every Robin.
Like, for Dick, he’s ten and we all know he was the most violent Robin second only to Damian so maybe when he’s ten or eleven and has calmed down a little, a henchback who still remembers what a little shit he used to be decides to get back at Robin, slips on a pair of brass knuckles and BAM
And then, little Dick just stares for a moment in shock, cheek already starting to bruise, the criminals he’d been fighting all stay still because it was a nasty punch and then…
“Daaaaad!!!” He cries out in a whiny voice that reminds them that Robin really is just a kid and it all clicks into place.
Even Bruce wasn’t expecting that, Dick has just started calling him dad and he still isn’t used to being called that so to hear his kid calling for him in the moment where he is startled and hurt and a little scared… the henchmen don’t even have time to react and they wake up in the hospital with concussions and maybe a few broken bones.
It doesn’t take Dick long to calm down, it was mostly that the hit from a random henchmen really startled him and got him right in the cheekbone. But Bruce still finishes patrol early and Dick still hides under Bruce’s cape all the way to the Batmobile.
Then comes Jason and Jason was such a sweet kid, I headcannon he was the one that called Bruce dad the most often while being Robin. So one night during patrol maybe he finds himself fighting Penguin or Two-Face and it’s been a long night and he has an exam the following day and Bruce is fighting another villain at the other side of the warehouse
The point is, the henchmen and Two-Face start landing hits on eleven year old Jason in his gut and at some point he loses sight of Batman fighting on the other side of the room. Jason gets scared because he’s never really fought without Batman and while he knows that Bruce is still in the warehouse, he can’t see him and the handle of a gun hits the back of his ankle and he falls and he sees Two-Face or Penguin or one of the henchmen getting ready to grab the front of his uniform and beat him up and…
“Daaaaddd!”
The criminals freeze for a moment. They’ve heard the stories of what happened the last time a Robin called scared for dad.
They’re fucked.
They all drop their guns and try to get Jason to calm down, but he’s crying just a little bit and calls again, his voice breaking and despite having been at the other side of the warehouse just a second ago, Bruce somehow drops from the ceiling and it’s over before the criminals can keep pleading with Robin to calm down.
Jason tries to apologize for ‘acting like a baby’ but Bruce is having none of it and carries him back to the Batmobile and Jason is happy to just hide his face in Bruce’s cape because he knows his dad will always be there to save him.
Then comes Tim.
And Tim gets found out while doing reconnisance and somehow he finds himself face to face with Bane who manages to wrench away his bo staff and Tim is just eleven and he is scared because Bane doesn’t look like he’s going to hold back
All Tim knows is that the crack he hears must surely be his ribs either cracking or breaking and he can’t breath and he can only muster enough air for a single word… and he calls for his dad through tears and fear
And at this point… at this point Batman has already lost a Robin, Tim may not be his legally but he is his son just as much as Jason was
Bane spends a month in the ICU
Tim is embarrased that he reacted like that. He thinks it makes him less of a Robin to called scared for Batman… for dad.
So Bruce tells him of the other two times it happened. It’s one of the first times he’s spoken about Jason to Tim so bluntly.
Then comes Stephanie.
Stephanie never calls Bruce dad when she’s Robin. She’s not his daughter and he’s not her dad. They’re not sure what exactly they are to one another.
As far as Bruce knows, Stephanie’s version of Robin never called out to him when she was scared.
What he doesn’t know is that it did happen. Just once
It was the last time she was Robin. When Black Mask had her and she thought she was going to die
At some point while bleeding and feeling nauseous and so scared she could barely hear anything that wasn’t her own heart beating wildly against her chest… she called for dad. Not for Arthur Brown, but for Bruce
Black Mask laughed at her
Stephanie never tells Bruce
And finally… Damian
Now, we know Damian would probably never be startled enough to call for Bruce out of instinct, so I can see 2 scenarios in which this could happen.
First, he sees another kid do it. He sees a kid close to his own age laughing and playing, then tripping and staying quiet for a split second before crying out for mom and dad and he just… assumes that’s something kids do when scared and hurt and startled and does it mostly in an attempt to be a little more ‘normal’
Or, my favorite scenario… he hears of the other times it has happened. He overhears maybe Dick remind Jason of what Bruce did when Jason called out to dad as Robin. Tim maybe jokes that a Robin calling for dad is still the villains’ greatest fear
So Damian stores that knowledge away as a battle strategy just in case he ever needs it… and maybe a small part of him wants to put it to the test, to see if his father would protect him as brutally as he’s protected the Robins before him
So some random night during patrol, he’s up against several henchmen, a few of them grab him from behind, trying to hold him down. Damian is fighting against them when one of them swings a cylinder of metal that Damian thinks might’ve been meant for the plumbing and…
The henchman breaks Damian’s nose, there’s blood dripping down his chin and staining his uniform
Now… it is most certainly not the first time he’s broken something, he’s more than used to the pain, in fact, he barely feels it. However, it gives him a chance to put his little theory to the test
And so Damian allows himself to sound like the ten year old that he is and in a whiny, teary voice, goes… “Babaaaaa!” (Bonus points if it’s the first or second time he’s called Bruce baba instead of father)
What Damian didn’t take into account though, is that Batman and Robin aren’t the only ones on patrol that night. They made a big bust. The biggest part of the operation was over but they were still fighting a few stragglers. The whole fucking family is here.
And they all hear his cry.
Damian doesn’t think he’s ever seen a fight end so quickly. The henchmen only have a split-second of surprise before vanishing, being tackled or shot or having knives buried on their shoulders by his siblings.
The one that actually broke Damian’s nose is being beaten up by Nightwing, Damian doesn’t think he’s ever seen Grayson so angry.
A shadow kneels in front of him, father. Baba. He’s checking Damian and Todd is right at his side, both speaking in hushed tones, checking his injuries and wiping the tears that usually came with a broken nose.
And now… Damian is used to his father and Grayson treating him like a child, trying to be as soft as they can with him. Even Cain does it to some extent.
But… having Drake wrap an arm around him, calling him baby when knocking out one of the criminals that had hurt him ‘that’s my fucking baby brother!’ and continue to hold him later into the night on the couch, having Brown willingly give up all the snacks she keeps in her utility belt and promise to take him to Batburger the following day for milkshakes because he was ‘a champ’. And Thomas wraps his favorite blanket around Damian while they’re fixing him up.
Todd decides to stay the night at the manor. Which he never does. They all decide to spend the night at the manor when Damian still sniffles on the Batmobile and they have breakfast all of them together. Which Damian isn’t sure has ever happened before and Cain gets Alfred to make pancakes with chocolate chips instead of blueberries.
They call him baby in hushed whispers but for once, it doesn’t bother him even though it really should
But most of all, Bruce refuses to let him go for a good five minutes after he first cries for him. Smoothing down his hair and whispering that it’ll be okay and just being soft in a way Damian has never seen before.
He sleeps between his Baba and Grayson and he knows that Todd and Drake and Cain check in on them at least twice in the night for some reason.
And he realizes it’s… it’s nice. Maybe this really could be an effective battle strategy to be employed again someday.
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Superman: Does Batman talk a lot at home? He doesn’t say all that much here.
Nightwing: Yeah, it’s cuz he’s an Impulsive Parental Figure. If he talks too much he’ll start using his Dad Voice and then his entire Batman image would be ruined.
Superman: His… Dad Voice?
Red Hood: It’s not that different from his I Am Vengeance Voice, but there’s more of a tone of resigned WTF Did I Do To Deserve These Kids, or the Loving What Did I Do To Deserve These Kids. Or irritation, depending on what we broke this week.
Nightwing: Sometimes it’s an antique worth thousands of dollars. Other times, it’s the final thread of his remaining sanity. It differs week to week?
Red Robin: Remember that one week we accidentally broke the antique lamp he hated when we were trying out new Batarangs? I think we hit the trifecta that night.
Nightwing: I’m still confused as to why that was down in the cave.
Superman: I’m just confused.
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Batfam Head Canon
One of my personal head canon's is that Dick Grayson is a contortionist in addition to the acrobatic stuff. He's used this to freak out and get into trouble every one of his siblings, super villians, and Batman that one time.
Riddler: *Pushes Nightwing off a deck*
Nightwing: *lands with limbs horrifyingly askew*
Red Hood: *leaping over the deck* Well, well, well, look who just killed the Bat's favorite son.
Riddler: That was three feet off the ground! That's not physically possible!
Red Hood: I'm not the one you have to explain it to, man. I'm just gonna hold you 'til Batman gets here.
Riddler: NO! What if I tell you my whole plan?
Red Hood: Tell me the whole plan and hand over the money and I might let you leave.
Riddler: *gives up every piece of information he's ever had and his cash*
Red Hood: *Kicks Nightwing in the ribs* I got the stuff, let's get a burger or something.
Nightwing: *Laughs maniacally*. Let's do Two Face Next.
Batman: *watching from the shadows, not sure if he should be impressed or not*
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