#because its like they were trying to make us feel like people are talking about us (honestly

[jflemings]

— party of two

pairing: ucla!jessie fleming x ucla!reader

synopsis: jessie saves you during a frat party, forcing the two of you to confront your feelings head on

warnings: angst lol, unwanted male attention, mild homophobia, jealous!jessie, insecure jessie if you squint, the downstairs bathroom is a character of its own

a/n: i love teags and jess 🫶🏼 my bruins girls 🫶🏼 (this took an angsty turn whoops)

the stale smell of alcohol and sweat invades your senses as you shoulder through the crowded living room of the frat house. you smile politely at the people you know, squeezing past a guy you know from you psych class. his name — brendan or braeden, or something — escapes you as he turns around. the two of you are chest to chest and right in eachother’s personal space, allowing him to easily grip your shoulder and lean right down in your ear, basically leaning his cheek on your own.

his hot breath fans over the shell of your ear “i didn’t know you were coming” he shouts over the loud music, putting his hand on your shoulder as a means to get closer.

you shrug in an attempt to rid your shoulder of him “it was a last minute thing” you yell back before trying to step away from him.

he pulls away from you momentarily and smiles whilst nodding his head, allowing you to smell the vodka on his breath. his tanned hand rubs your shoulder in what you’re sure he thinks in an affectionate manner. you make the attempt to step around him to no avail and your face drops seeing that more people have managed to pack themselves into the already crowded space.

“i was thinking” he begins to say, squeezing your shoulder so you look at him. he’s not ugly, per say, and he seemed like a relatively nice guy everytime you did speak to him but you were into women. women who had freckled cheeks and curly brown hair and who got pissy everytime you scribbled on the corner of her page aimlessly.

before he can speak again he’s shoved from behind and because of his tipsy state, he doesn’t have the reflexes to stop the jungle juice in his cup from spilling all down your chest and top.

you grimace at the sticky feeling and begin to regret wearing such a revealing shirt. you can feel the alcohol drip down you collarbones and the valley of your breasts, furrowing your brows at the sticky feeling and the smell you know is going to linger for the rest of the night.

he shoves his friends blindly “i am so sorry, let me help you clean that up”

“no i’ve got it. i was just heading to the bathroom anyway” you shoot him a tight lipped smile and begin to go in the direction of the only downstairs bathroom.

he follows closely behind and pushes the bathroom door open for you quickly, watching you turn the tap on and reach for a towel. his eyebrows shoot up “let me go get you some paper towel” he says before scampering off, finally leaving you alone.

you don’t bother waiting for him and instead use the last of the toilet paper to clean yourself off. you run it under the tap and pat your chest, trying to rid your skin of the sticky feeling. you can definitely still smell it on your shirt but you’re more worried about getting away from this guy rather than what you smell like so you quickly turn on your heel and walk out of the bathroom.

“y/n!” he yells over the music, a few paper towels fluttering in his hands “did you clean up alright?”

“yeah! yeah, i’m good” you say tight lipped before jerking a thumb behind you “i’m just gonna find my friends”

he once again reaches for your shoulder “hey, y’know i was just wondering if maybe you’d let me take you on a date?” he slurs slightly, his green eyes boring into you “you’re like hot, and smart and stuff. i just wanna get to know you better” he shamelessly checks you out, his eyes hungrily taking over your form.

he’s had a fair bit to drink, that’s obvious, but you don’t even get the chance to say no before he’s talking again “people say that you like girls but, honestly, are you sure? if you’ve never been with a guy how can you be sure?”

you make a point of rolling your eyes before shrugging him off and looking around. it’s only when one of his buddies loudly catches his attention does he tear his eyes away from you, yelling back at his friend.

you beeline for the back door once his back is turned, desperate to find someone you know so that you can shake him. you search every face you pass but come up disappointed each time, sighing deeply at the thought of having to hide in a different bathroom just to get this guy to leave you alone.

the cool air hits your sweaty skin as you step outside. you sneak a glance behind you and see him pushing past a girl he seems to know so he can follow you outside and you huff. can’t he take a fucking hint?

it’s only when you hear teagan micah’s familiar boisterous laugh do you relax a little. you can clearly see the back of her head as she animatedly speaks to some people next to the bonfire, allowing you make your way to her easily.

you appear next to her silently, almost huddling next to the australian in an attempt to hide yourself. she stops mid sentence when she notices you and grins “y/n!” she yells, throwing an arm around you “i’ve been wondering where you were”

you give her a tight lipped smile and duck your head, her arm a welcomed security blanket. when you don’t answer right away she notices the almost distraught look on your face and pulls you into her side.

“what’s up?” she asks thickly

“there’s just this guy from one of my classes— he won’t leave me alone”

teagan’s face hardens and she looks over her shoulder quickly. she looks like she’s about to turn around and mouth off to the next guy that gets in her way when jessie slides up next to the two of you, her hand finding the small of your back easily.

the goalie notices the new presence and in her drunken state, doesn’t immediately see that it’s her teammate. she whips her head around, her mouth open to hand out a snarky comment, before she sees the canadian’s freckled face. “oh!” she says delighted “it’s all good, jessie’s here! that guy should leave you alone now”

she rubs your shoulder affectionately before dropping her arm. she still looks around — in a way that you’re sure she thinks is subtle — before scowling and focusing her attention back to the conversation. jessie on the other hand, is wearing a look of concern as she sits down on the dingy day bed that’s been dragged onto the lawn. her hand stays on the small of your back as she sits “what guy?” she questions quietly.

you chew on your bottom lip for a moment and she drums her fingers on your back “just this guy from one of my classes. he’s kinda been following me around”

jessie can see that you’re clearly uncomfortable and her face softens slightly. she hooks a finger in the belt loop on the back of your jeans and begins to pull you towards her “come ‘ere” she urges whilst spreading her legs.

you let her pull you into her space until you’re standing in between her legs. she keeps an arm around your hips and you place both of your hands onto her shoulders “are you okay? did he touch you?” she says as quietly as she can so she doesn’t draw unwanted attention from her teammates around you.

you shake your head and she immediately lets out a sigh, running her hand across your lower back comfortingly. just the feeling of her arm around you is enough to calm your nerves and you squeeze her shoulders in appreciation.

“sit” she says whilst guiding you into her lap.

you do as she says and settle on her thigh, tossing one leg over the other as you get comfortable. her hand doesn’t leave your waist as you wriggle slightly on her lap, looping both arms around her shoulders gently. the midfielder traces shapes on your body as she takes a sip from her solo cup, making sure to hold eye contact with you through her lashes.

jessie wasn’t an intimidating person by any means but the stare she was pinning you with now definitely made you feel the need to turn away from her. it was the type of look that made you want to do something stupid like kiss her on the mouth.

she slides her hand up your spine and holds the back of your neck whilst ducking her head in an attempt to get you to look into her eyes. “you’re awfully quiet” she teases lightly, squeezing your neck once to get your attention “got something on your mind, pretty girl?”

in an attempt to hide the blush forming on your face you lean your chin on your right arm that’s around the back of jessie’s shoulders. “no” you almost whisper. if your face wasn’t so close to jessie’s ear she probably wouldn’t have heard it which means you wouldn’t have egged her on even more.

“no?” she questions amused “you sure?” she tucks her face into the crook of your neck and breathes in deeply, making your skin prickle. she removes her face from your neck and adjusts her thigh, jolting you in a way that she knows will get your attention. when you tighten your hold around her shoulders and level her with a scowl she smiles and hums, resting her face on just below your collarbone.

she must notice the lingering smell on your chest because her brows are furrowed when she looks at you questioningly. “jungle juice” you say shortly “he spilt it on me when he was trying to make a move”

the canadian rolls her eyes “asshole” she mutters before taking another swig of her drink. she drags her hand back down the length of your back slowly and settling it on the waistband of your jeans. “who is this guy anyway. do i know him?”

you play with her baby hairs at the base of her skull absentmindedly “brendan, or braeden, i don’t know”

“mustn’t be that memorable then” jessie hums, leaning back into your hand and closing her eyes. you smirk at her reaction and tug the hair experimentally making her eyes snap back open. jessie pulls you impossibly closer to her, dragging you up her lap until your thigh is pressed against her abdomen. she looks like she’s decidedly wether or not to kiss you for a moment before ultimately making her decision and craning her neck. you thread your fingers in her hair and move just as slow towards her, wanting nothing more that to kiss her stupid.

“y/n!”

you shut your eyes tightly and sigh at the sound of your name before turning and looking over your shoulder. braeden— or brendan, you still don’t know— smiles and inserts himself into the group. jessie leans back against the thin pillows lining the back of the day bed and frowns. he can’t be fucking blind can he?

“hey…” you trail off awkwardly “what’s up?”

“you ran off, i couldn’t find you!” he answers enthusiastically, practically bouncing on the balls of his feet. he must really be gone because he seems to be completely oblivious to the looks that teagan and jessie are levelling him with.

you feel jessie’s hand thats on your back travel down and rest on your bum, her other hand sliding along the denim of your thigh. “brandon” she says unamused and your eyebrows raise.

“you know him?”

brandon looks over your shoulder and seemingly sees jessie for the first time. his eyes rake over your body and linger on the position of her hand “fleming” he greets politely before turning to you “soccer. we train together sometimes” he explains as if it’s that simple, getting caught up in jessie’s stare before he looks away “sorry, i didn’t know you two were…”

“together. dating. girlfriends.” she finishes curtly for him before patting your thigh for emphasis “but now you do so it’s all good” she shrugs and smiles sweetly. you see teagan stifle a laugh behind her cup, raising her eyebrows at you suggestively once you catch her eye.

apparently brandon wasn’t the only one who didn’t know you and jessie were dating because up until now, neither of you had confronted your feelings head on let alone put a label on your situation.

brandon gives you an apologetic smile and a nod before scurrying away with his tail between his legs. jessie remains sat back and continues to stroke your thigh whilst you refuse to look at her. confusion and embarrassment bubble in your stomach and you suddenly have the urge to get off jessie’s lap and get away from her.

you pull your arms off her “i’m gonna go to the toilet” you say whilst standing “i’ll be five minutes”

the canadian immediately sits up straight and grabs your hand “you okay?” she asks you, the concern evident on her face.

“yep, just really need to pee” your response is uneasy and you shoot her a tight lipped smile before making your way back to the house. you resist the urge to look back at your apparent girlfriend, choosing to pick your nails to keep you distracted instead.

you find yourself weaving through bodies once again and breathe a sigh of relief when you see the bathroom you were in before unoccupied. you brace yourself against the counter and press a hand to your chest before turning on the tap. the water runs over your warm hands soothingly and you place a palm to your heated cheek.

you can’t recall a time when you’d seen jessie get so outwardly jealous. her naturally timid nature just didn’t allow her to be so quick to voice her distain in a situation off a soccer field. it was undeniably hot but it also left you feeling like you had been kept out of the loop. it was obvious to everyone around you that the pair of you weren’t just friends. you had bering toeing the line between friends and something more for far too long now but not once had you or jessie ever verbalised your feelings, leaving them locked up safely.

but you didn’t need verbal confirmation. you knew how jessie felt about you and she knew how you felt about her.

three knocks to the door interrupt your blurred train of thought, making you jump out of your skin “occupied!” you practically shout

“it’s me” says the voice beyond the door, the unmistakable canadian accent making your skin prickle “i just wanna talk”

stepping away from the mirror, you quickly unlock the door and go back to leaning against the counter. you close your eyes just as you hear the door open and close softly, jessie’s presence almost suffocating you in the small room.

“i shouldn’t have said that” she begins, her hand hovering over your back like she’s unsure if she can touch you. she decides against it “that wasn’t fair on you and in all honesty, i don’t really know why i said it. i think i was just so frustrated that it came out but that isn’t an excuse”

“jess” you sigh heavily, opening your eyes so you can look at her through the mirror “you know that there’s nothing to be jealous about”

jessie’s cheeks burn as she leans on the opposite wall and tucks her hands behind her back. she quickly looks down at her old worn nikes that are scuffing against the tile. “yeah” she weakly says “hey, well, i just wanted to come find you and apologise so i’ll get out of your hair”

sudden anger overtakes you. first she was going to announce in front of all your friends that the two of you were dating and now she won’t even stay and give you a proper explanation?. you shake your head and spin around quickly “jessie don’t you dare” you say sternly, making her stop in her tracks “i deserve an explanation, a real one, not some half-assed apology that you can’t even look me in the eye for”

the canadian’s shoulders sag as she turns to look at you with her hands tucked in her pockets. she looks up to the ceiling and lets out a shaky breath before looking at you “brandon and i have had issues before. about you.”

the confession shocks you. you had barely spoken to brandon besides a few short conversations and note sharing, but beyond that you didn’t know a thing about him. “about me?”

“he just… he was just being disrespectful one afternoon and we got into it, okay!?” she exclaims defensively “and he was just saying shit about you and me, and how you would never date a girl anyway so i should just leave it alone” she shrugs, casting her eyes back down to her feet “when he came over i felt like i had something to prove but i made you uncomfortable in the process. i’m so sorry”

your eyes soften and you tilt your head. tenderly you reach for her hands and pull them out of her pockets and hold them in yours “why didn’t you tell me about this?”

“because it’s embarrassing!” she stresses, looking at you with glassy eyes “the fact that i let some guy get me worked up over practically nothing is embarrassing, y/n. half of the boy’s soccer team thinks that i’m just the little gay lost puppy following a straight girl around begging for a chance.”

jessie screws her eyes shut and takes her hands out of your own “i really am sorry for telling him that we’re dating without talking to you about it. that was wrong, and i know that”

you brush a few of jessie’s stray baby hairs back and let her calm down, having worked herself up again. she blinks back tears and you take her face in your hands “i really would’ve preferred you talk to me about this jess, i had no idea that they were giving you a hard time about me”

she she begins to shake her head you hold her head more firmly “they don’t know anything, okay? they. don’t. know. anything. they have no idea how i feel about you” you assure softly, making sure to keep eye contact with her “i know we don’t say it, or hardly acknowledge it, but i really, really like you”

“i really really like you too” she all but whispers to you “i’m sorry i didn’t talk to you about it”

“make it up to me?”

jessie’s pupils blow out wide and she quickly looks between your lips and eyes, her hands finding your hips and hooking her thumbs into your belt loops. she licks her lips and swallows thickly before smashing her lips into yours.

your hands wrap around her shoulders and pull her into you even further, allowing you to walk back until you hit the counter. jessie leans into you, your mouths slotting together perfectly, and she plants her hands on either side of you body on the bathroom counter.

you can’t help but smirk and swipe your tongue along jessie’s bottom lip slowly. she parts her lips and allows you to slide your tongue into her mouth just as you wrap one of your hands in her ponytail. she hums into your mouth when she feels your hand in her hair and knocks her knee in between your thighs, separating them slightly and gaining the upper hand.

the midfielder crawls a hand up the length of your spine and hold the back of your neck whilst pressing herself impossibly closer to you.

a loud knock on the door leaves the two of you jumping out of your skins. jessie’s knee hits the cabinet below you loudly and she groans in pain “fuck”

“hurry the fuck up!” a booming voice comes from outside the door, whoever is on the other side clearly not happy with how long the only clean bathroom in the house has been occupied for.

“this bathroom is too clean to be used” jessie mumbles against you, rolling her head along your collarbone and shoulder as she straightens out her leg.

you mourn the loss off the warmth between your thighs as you let go of the girl’s ponytail “someone’s poor girlfriend is cleaning this bathroom” you grimace “she must really like him”

she lifts her head off you and your eyes are immediately drawn to her slightly swollen lips. you half smirk and run a thumb over them, collecting lip gloss that had been transferred and wiping it on your jeans “you don’t make your girlfriend clean your dirty bathroom” jessie says as she rolls her eyes “that’s just being lazy”

“so you wouldn’t make me clean your bathroom?” you ask innocently, folding your hands in front of you.

jessie’s eyebrows raise “my bathroom is already clean, thank you very much” she pointedly says “you’ve seen it, you should know”

“jessie”

“what?”

you toss your arms out beside you and give her a look of disbelief “i just gave you the perfect opportunity to ask me to be your girlfriend and you’re telling me how clean your bathroom is”

jessie opens and closes her mouth “you want to be my girlfriend?” she asks “are you sure?”

“of course i’m sure” you say softly “i thought that was obvious”

she grins wide and holds her hand out for you to take, which you do immediately, before leading you out of the bathroom and through the crowd of students. you think she’s taking you back out to the bonfire and your friends before she heads for the front door of the frat house, her grip tightening on your hand as you pass brandon and his group of friends.

you can’t help but cheekily wag your fingers at him as you pass before pressing your body right against jessie’s and wrapping a hand around her arm “where are we going?” you ask loudly into her ear

she looks at you over her shoulder with a sly smile on her face “my place. i’ve still gotta make it up to you”

#jessie fleming #jessie fleming x reader #jessie fleming imagine #jessie fleming fic #woso #woso x reader #woso fic #woso imagine #pegs writes #pegs woso

[daribertduck]

Fucked up Monday.

A/n: this is the first Ellie x female reader I’ve ever written so pls be kind ??? ( let’s be real, first thing I’ve ever written ngl) Also, English isn’t my first language so excuse my mistakes. Otherwise have fun!

Summary: Having Ellie as a friend is great. Having her as you’re patrol partner? Even better. Loving her though, that’s where all the problems begin. Especially since Ellie doesn’t feel the same, right?

Warnings: slightly mention of grief, anxiety,post apocalypse world!! Slightly curse words ( what’s you’re favorite curse word? Probably fuck.)

-5,9K words or something xx

The world suddenly became gray, the clouds got thicker and as the rain started to make its way down onto the dirty ground surrounding your house, you knew today was most definitely not a good day. But It's not like you didn't know that already. The last couple of days weren't great either, and that's not something you can blame on the terrible January weather.

No, partly you blame yourself for those terrible hours that turned into days you spent in front of your living room window wasting away important minutes, stuck with way too many thoughts to function. So many things you have to think over and over, without really ending up with an answer that satisfies you. And you blame her, too, for somehow making the world much darker than it already is. But deep down you knew that this wasn't the right way to go, you could not make her the center of your problems, couldn't build your own mistakes around her. But you'd like to try anyway.

Monday, only a week ago, everything was as fine as it could be, considering the circumstances. Because life in the post-apocalypse isn't always easy, because one of your closest friends, Dina, is in love with Ellie Williams. Because Ellie Williams is the girl you gave your heart many years ago.

This specific Monday,where everything went down, you were on patrol with Ellie. Over the past two months, it had become a ritual. The two of you made the best team in Jackson, using supplies judiciously and working smart and fast. Everyone could rely on you both, and you loved it. The feeling of being needed was something great. The idea of people believing and trusting you was something you wouldn't trade for anything. You loved to help, and God knows you were doing a pretty good job at it too.

That Ellie was the one assigned to you wasn't something you were mad about. You craved nothing more than the attention from the emerald green-eyed girl. Knowing that you two spent hours on patrol with nothing but meaningless conversations filling the air made life taste a bit sweeter. And Ellie felt the same way. From the moment you first exchanged words in Jackson, you both knew right away that whatever you had in your hearts for each other was too precious to let loose.

But now, that specific feeling you get whenever you think about her is probably the reason why you're scared in your living room, hiding from everything and everyone, but especially from her.

Having Ellie as your friend was incredible. You both talked about everything and always found playful words even in serious situations, lightening the burden on your minds. But being friends with her wasn't enough for you. You yearned to be closer, to have her in every way you could possibly want a human being. And that terrified you since your friend made her intentions about Dina very clear.

And having her as your patrol partner was the wisest decision Maria ever made. Even though you weren't always assigned to each other, the moments you shared on patrol were precious. The way you both moved in sync, anticipating each other's actions, spoke volumes. It was more than just duty; it was a connection that defied mere partnership.

At first,starting off new right after the parole training Tommy gave you, you were in a group with your cousin Dylan. He was a smart man, kind and caring—one of the closest people you'd ever call family. Not much older than you or your friends, but he lost his life in a fight with a bloader while the two of you went to check on an Abandoned School near Jackson. When you returned without Dylan by your side, the traumatic experience still etched into your bones, you explained the situation to Maria right away, sharing as many details as you could remember. You hoped that you wouldn't have to recount this nightmare of a story multiple times. You described to her exactly where it happened and how you somehow managed to escape, paying the price of Dylan losing his life while distracting the bloader. Maria promised to be there when you told all your family members and to send out a group of people to the building. Their mission: to finish off the bloater and retrieve whatever was left of Dylan for a somewhat respectful funeral. Something he deeply deserved.

After your conversation with Maria, she immediately called Ellie in to ask if it would be okay for her to pair with you. Returning to work wasn't something you originally had in mind, but in hindsight, Maria probably knew that working would keep your mind off things. She was also aware of the deep connection you had with Ellie. If she had assigned you to someone else, you might have been too terrified to venture close to the outside world ever again.

Ellie, however, always wanted to go on patrol with you. She hated the idea of you going with Dylan instead. It wasn't that she didn't like him; it was more that she felt like she lost control the moment the safe gates of Jackson closed, and she wasn't by your side.

The first couple of times the two of you went on patrol together were more challenging than you had anticipated. Sometimes, you believed you could still hear his screams echoing in the back of your mind. Other times, his anguished facefilled your thoughts, and you grappled with the regret of running in the opposite direction. The guilt of what you *should* have done never truly left your mind.

Maria, understanding the weight of your experience, altered the usual patrol routes for you and Ellie. She ensured that you both didn't have to cross the area where the incident with Dylan occurred. Deep down, you knew there was nothing you could have done to save Dylan, yet you couldn't help but blame yourself.

Ellie did her best to empathize, and you noticed and appreciated her efforts. While she couldn't erase all the pain, her presence made the feelings a little less overwhelming. You sensed that she was aware of this too since she let you sleep over at her place almost everyday since and somehow already knew when a new anxiety attack was about to happen without you even knowing it.However, over the past few weeks, you've been avoiding her, along with almost everyone else. The ache in your heart, triggered by thoughts of Ellie being with Dina, became too much for your frightened heart to bear. Distance seemed like the only viable solution—a way to shield yourself from the emotional storm.

On that bittersweet Monday,where the two of you headed out a little earlier than you'd prefer, the sun not yet fully awake, you embarked on a new route. Not far from Jackson, there lay a small town—one that Maria wanted both of you to investigate and "clean." With  that purpose, you made your way over there.

As you and Ellie stepped into this town, its quiet streets greeted you. The air smelled of pine and nostalgia, and the sun cast long shadows across the wooden storefronts. Maria's instructions echoed in your mind.

Ellie walked beside you, her gaze scanning the facades. Her emerald eyes held a mix of curiosity and determination. You wondered what thoughts raced through her mind.

As you explored the town, you noticed faded murals on brick walls, their colors muted by time. Abandoned storefronts stood like sentinels, their windows boarded up, history locked within. The creak of a rusty swing in the town square hinted at children's laughter long gone. And somewhere, perhaps hidden in the shadows, lay the heart of this place.

With each step, you peeled back layers—the layers of dust, of stories, of forgotten dreams. The sun climbed higher, casting warmth on your shoulders.

"Hey, I thought I was funny!" Ellie's voice echoed in the back of your mind, snapping you back to reality and the conversation you and her had going on."God, Ellie, you know I love you lots, but do you have to be so weird?" you asked her, a smirk spreading across your face. "No idea what you're talking about, babe. Am I not allowed to express my love for clothing?" she said dramatically. "Not when you show up at a parole meeting wearing a cowboy hat?!" you said, laughing, recalling the expressions on Maria and Joel's faces when Ellie walked in. "It was a statement!" - "A fashion crime, that's what it was!" Your tone was amused. Ellie didn't respond to your playful jab and just shook her head, her laughter filling the air. That sound, that sweet sound you could never get enough of, made everything feel more than alright. It was just the two of you, on your horses, riding near a lake, continuing to cross the small town, laughing as if this was how it was meant to be. But the comfortable silence that enveloped both of you suddenly halted when you laid eyes on a massive, abandoned mall ahead. "Seems like we need to check this place out," Ellie said, her voice calm as she studied the map in her hands. You tightened your grip on the reins of your horse. "Alright, lead the way?" you asked her. She responded, "Already on it, princess." You rolled your eyes, but the nickname slid off you, making your heart beat faster.

Ellie dismounted her horse, handing you the reins. She strode toward the entrance, determined to open the massive door that separated you both from the darkness within. Meanwhile, you secured the horses to a nearby fence and joined Ellie, who stood waiting. "Ladies first," she quipped, making a sweeping gesture toward the freshly opened door. You rolled your eyes, a small smile tugging at your lips. As you prepared to step inside, Ellie's hand pulled you back. "Spores. Masks on," she mumbled, adjusting her own mask. You followed suit, the cool fabric pressing against your face. Stepping over the threshold, you moved quietly, attuned to the sounds echoing through the abandoned mall from clickers and runners. Ellie held her gun with unwavering resolve, and you mirrored her stance. Her gaze met yours, locking in a shared understanding."Try not to get bit," Ellie said, her voice low. "I don't really feel like shooting you in the head today. Maybe tomorrow, though." Her eyes crinkled, a smile hidden behind the mask. You couldn't help but grin. "Fuck you, Williams," -"Nah, I'd prefer somebody else doing it."

As the two of you make your way deeper into the building, talking nonsense quietly while finishing off Clickers on your way, A loud sound makes you and Ellie stop in your tracks. ''what the fuck was that...'' She mumbled, and you're looking past Ellie in the direction the horror sound was coming from. ''I…”You were unable to speak, move or even breathe because you recognized that sound immediately. ''Hey, are you okay?'' You heard her saying, she moved closer to you and softly grabbed your shoulder with her free hand, shifting your chest so you're looking into her direction again.'' Babe, are you okay?'' Ellie repeated her Question, looking for something in your eyes, you cannot make out. Yet again you were unable to answer, fear slowly making its way up into your lungs, preventing you from breathing properly. She was about to say something again, but she got interrupted by the sound of loud footsteps moving into your direction, revealing one of the most terrifying things this 'new' world has to offer. ''A fucking Bloader...'' Ellie's whisper recalled in your mind and without even knowing it, you're back with Dylan. You were back in the school with him by your side, you hear him screaming your name in pain, begging you to leave, you taste the blood of his on your tongue. You can't breathe. Tears started to form in your eyes, the world got blurry, and that anxious feeling from that same night made its way back into your bones. The feeling of Ellie's hands drifting away from your shoulder, just past to your underarm. Her grabbing your hand was the only thing you noticed before a jerky movement brought you back into reality. Ellie was leading you up an Escalator, running as fast as your guys lungs allowed. ''Fucking shit, we have to move, princess!'' She said, her voice demanding. You couldn't say anything, not even recognizing the nickname she gave you that normally makes your knees weak, the only thing you were able to do was moving with her, her soft hands grabbing your underarm being the only reason you were able to move in the first place.

You couldn't even notice the way Ellie ran a bit faster than you, not letting go of your hand while shooting down upcoming Runners and Clickers, snuffing out whatever life they still clung to. You couldn't even hear Ellie's words as she spoke to you, couldn't see her breaking down a random door and pushing you both inside, closing it firmly and securing it with whatever heavy material she found to lock you two in. Your mind was a whirlwind of panic, grief, and regret. You couldn't move, tears streaming down your cheeks as you tried to control your agonal respiration. The mask felt even more uncomfortable than it already was. Then, two soft hands carefully grabbed your face, removing the mask and gently resting on your skin. It was a lifeline back to reality.

"Babe, you're okay. We're safe. Come on, try to breathe with me, okay?"Her voice slowly penetrated your foggy brain. Your right hand automatically found her wrist, and for a moment, you tried to do what the brown-haired girl in front of you said—you tried to breathe. "Doing so good, Darling,"she encouraged. „Keep going. Focus on me, alright? Breathe in... hold it, love... okay, breathe out." The softness of her voice traveled up to your brain, dispelling the dark smoke that had clouded your thoughts. "Shit..."you whispered, not caring how pathetic you probably looked right now. Her eyes never left yours, and finally, you took your first real breath since arriving in the mall. "Yeah... that probably captures it best,"she said, her touch gentle as she caressed your cheek. She was still a bit out of breath from all the running.

You looked at her for a second longer, and for some inexplicable reason, everything didn't feel so dire anymore. Maybe it was because with Ellie by your side, you could never feel truly unsafe. A grin crept onto your face, and without bothering to hide it, you burst into laughter, tears still wetting your skin. Ellie stared at you, momentarily confused, but her expression softened. She wasn't able to hold on the grinning expression herself.

Ellie looked at you for a moment, her confusion giving way to laughter. "What the hell, the fuck was that?" you said, still chuckling. „I wish I fucking knew“ she said. Ellie's hands remained pressed against your cheeks, and you didn't mind at all. She grinned, pulling you a bit closer until her forehead rested against yours. "You feel okay, though?" she asked, her tone shifting back to concern. You replied quietly, "I'm with you, so... yeah." Ellie didn't say anything, but her touch lingered on your skin before she pulled away.

"Let's try to find a way out of here," she declared, already scanning the small store she'd barricaded you both into. Her movements were purposeful, and you appreciated her practicality. "I'm definitely not cleaning this entire mall up by myself."- „I mean, you did almost half of it already?“ you said, grinning again. „Yeah, the others can do the other half. I’m fucking done with this place.“

The closeness between you wasn't weird; it was familiar. Ellie had always been a touchable person, and you never complained. In fact, you loved the feeling of having her close—the warmth of her skin against yours. It had happened countless times before Hands touching a little too long, hugs that stretched into eternity, and mornings waking up tangled together. It was no longer something to overthink; it just was—a connection that transcended words.

You made your way through the store, noticing only just now that it used to be some sort of clothing shop. ''hey, look at that. Should I grab that for Dina?'' The voice from the opposite of the room bought your attention, you let your eyes travel their way to where your best friend is standing, holding up a basic brownish lined jacket, weirdly posing with it like she's some sort of model getting pictures taken. ''Yeah. Sure, do that.'' You said, already regretting how your voice sounded out loud. Ellie being in love with Dina wasn't news to you, you were the first person she ever told about her undeniable feelings towards Dina. That your heart shattered in about a million pieces isn't something you ever considered of telling her-You wanted to be supportive, knowing that Dina also felt the same about your best Friend. ''Is everything alright?'' Ellie said, confused by your lack of enthusiasm. ''Yeah, all good, just still, you know, fucked up from that bloader trying to rip us apart.'' You answered while pretending to look through some of the clothes. you practically didn't lie. The encounter with the bloader made you feel all weird and anxious, you were already struggling with not allowing yourself to even think about the incident and with that thing crossing your path it was almost inevitable to keep those memories locked away. Ellie looked at you as she isn't really buying it ''Hey, we don't have to leave right away. We surely can take a break?'' she suggested, making her way over to you. ''A break does sound fucking nice.'' You said, giving the slightly taller girl a tired smile. Ellie nodded at you, nudging your shoulder with hers while walking past you. Now opening a gray door behind the cash register with the words ''Employees only.'' written on lined paper.

Entering the common room was more than disappointing. Although there was an old sofa welcoming your stay, Ellie and you must've shared the same idea because before you could even make a step towards the in dark blue colored sofa, Ellie already dropped her body on it with a load groan. "Fuck you, move your ass over, El.'' You said, smirking as you moved to the small space. She looked up at you, her face blessed with another grin as she crossed her arms behind her head. ''Nah, I'm quite comfortable, thanks for suggesting it though!'' She closed her eyes and moved around on the cheap looking fabric to find the most comfortable position. ''Oh yeah? I mean, you wanted this. Practically dared me to do it'' You said. One of her closed eyes opened „what do you mean?“ she said. Without saying another word you set yourself as carefully as you can down on her lab. Ellie, on the other hand, dramatically lifted her upper body up, pretending to cough for much-needed air ''Help!! Help!! Doctor, I Can't breathe!'' Her arms went in every direction, making it seem like she's struggling to move, "c'mon, fuck you, I'm not even using my full body weight!" You said defending yourself. "Okay, okay, I'm done for. Dead, you won this round, you're officially the “Ellie defeater”.now get down!" She said, laughing as she gently pushed you from her lap. As you got up, Ellie actually made some space for you to sit down, which you did almost immediately. You lean your head against the wall behind you and look at your best friend now sitting leg crossed facing you. "You actually feeling okay tho?" she' asked for what felt like a million times today, which brought a small honest smile onto your face „yeah, as okay as I can be. Seeing that thing did bring some memories back, if rather forget. Thanks for saving me though" you said, playing with the strands of your jacket. „Yeah, glad to be your savior when time gets rough. You owe me one" she said, grinning. "Yeah, sure I owe you" you said. „Totally. Hmm," she said, pretending to think "what could you possibly do for me to regard me for saving your life?" with a grinning face she looked you up and down, and you knew immediately that what your friend had in mind wasn't something that's going to turn out good. „What are you thinking right now? Should I be scared?"- ''Don't know yet.'' Ellie said, lifting her body into a more comfortable sitting position."How about... I ask you a question, and you'll answer truthfully?" Ellie's words carried a weight of seriousness, and you couldn't help but feel anxious. "I'm always honest?" you replied, looking at her, bluffing with your answer. You knew that you weren't always honest, but you kept your own truth close to your heart because it wouldn't change the outcome anyway. Survival often required pretty white lies.

"Cut the bullshit. Okay, so... why are you avoiding Dina all of a sudden?" The question caught you off guard, and you looked at your best friend as if you'd just seen your dead cousin dancing with a Clicker in the distance. "What? I'm not?" you said, knowing Ellie wouldn't buy your bluff. "Hey, you promised to answer truthfully," she insisted, making you roll your eyes. "I never said I'll answer." You shrugged your shoulders, and Ellie gave you a slightly annoyed look.

"Babe... be honest," her voice calm and almost a whisper, her body leaning against the sofa frame. "Dina and I talked about this. She feels insecure, like she's done something wrong. And thinking about it, I feel like you've been avoiding me as well. The only time I ever see you is on patrol. It used to be more, you know? We barely talk. I think it's rather sad. Have I done something? Has Dina made you uncomfortable? Don't give me that look, love. I'm trying to understand you." Her voice shifted from calm to confused, and you knew right away that Ellie wouldn't let this go until she knew the real reason for your distance.

"No... Dina did nothing wrong."It's the only thing you're able to answer. You look down at your hand, playing with the matching bracelet you share with Ellie. „Did I do something...?"you hear her whisper, her voice filled with insecurity. Your heart clenches at the thought of being the reason why Ellie's overthinking her behavior. So, before you can overthink your next move, you look up to her. You move your body a bit closer and lay your hand on her knee, comfortably caressing the fabric of her skinny jeans.

"No... God, of course not. You did nothing wrong. It's just... it's me."Her eyes meet yours, and you know right then and there that you're fucked, unable to lie with her eyes looking at you like that. „What is it, then?"she whispers, resting her own hand on yours. The touch makes you feel like you need to run away as fast as possible. „I... I'm hurt, okay?"You say it with all the honesty in your heart. „Hurt? From what? Dina and I didn't—"You don't let Ellie finish her sentence. Instead, you get up from the comfortable sofa and run your hands over your face. "... this is exactly why I don't want to talk to either of you!"You're now standing in the middle of the room, looking at Ellie who remains in the same sitting position. Her eyes follow you as you pace the small common room.

"You and Dina, all day... when I hang out with you, you only tell me how beautiful she is, how perfect you guys are together, and how deeply in love you are. If I hang with D, it's the same fucking story."Your voice shakes with all the built-up anger inside of you. You're well aware that you don't have the right to be mad about those two people falling in love. You've never even addressed your feelings to anyone else except your mirror at 3 am. How are Ellie or Dina supposed to know that it's ripping you apart? "And what's your problem with that? And did Dina really say she’s into me too?" Ellie asks, and you couldn't help the tears already welling up in your eyes again. "Yes, she did, Ellie. You know she feels the fucking same," you say, your voice breaking into a desperate whisper.

"Hey, the fuck?" Ellie's voice is already alarmed with worry as she gets up to walk those three more steps, entering your personal space again. Her hand reaches for yours, but you subtly step away from her, your back slightly hitting the white wall behind you. "Love, what? Why are you crying? What does Dina feeling the same have to do with you avoiding us?" She asks, her eyes showing some sort of disappointment the second you stepped away from her."Just... forget it, okay? I don't want to talk about it." You mumble, your voice breaking. "But I want to talk about it." Ellie's eyes never leave yours until you look down at your dirty, almost broken Converse shoes. "Ellie, just leave it b—" You get interrupted by Ellie's sharp voice cutting you off. "For fucks sake, can you be fucking honest for once? I don't get your fucking problem. You don't talk, you ignore me and Dina, and now you're saying it's because Dina and I are falling for each other? I thought you're fucking happy for me! Like a best friend should be! I don't understand you, really, I don't." Her voice grows louder with every word. You try to say something again, but you can't bring yourself to talk. You notice Ellie walking toward you again, the wall behind you failing your escape. You felt anger rushing over you, mixed with regret and.. disappointment.

"How about you finally say what you think, huh? Can't go around treating your friends badly because you have some weird jealousy problems. It’s not my fault you don’t have other friends besides me”She's mad, and you know she doesn't understand your reasoning for drifting away from her. Deep down, you also know she's just hurt and, more importantly, scared of losing you.

"...Why are we still talking about this?" You say, and for the first time in what feels like forever, you look into her eyes. She's already looking at you, and god, she's close—too close. "We're going to talk about this until you tell me what's going on." Tears continue to stream down your face for the second time today but this time not because you were sad. You were angry, without even being sure at who you’re angry at.You shake your head, not wanting to answer, and begging to whatever is above you to somehow make Ellie drop the entire topic. ''No, no, you'll answer me right now. What the hell is wrong with you?'' Her hands grabbing your shoulders, pressing your body more against the wall behind you. „You already know it anyways, now let go of me.'' You said, although you were not even trying to pushing her away. ''Not until you answer me with your own words. I Can do this all day'' She said. ''fuck,els, you don't want to know, okay? Just forget it, let me go and let's get the hell out of here''-''So that you can ignore me again? Hell no, we're having this talk now even if it's the last thing I’ll do'' She demanded. ''I don't know what you want from me right now, Ellie!'' you said, voice rising as well with every new word leaving your lips. ''The truth! Why the fuck are you avoiding us?!'' You closed your eyes, taking all that bravery you have left inside you to speak the next heart wracking words filled with honesty. ''Because I Can't handle you falling for somebody else. Because knowing you want her breaks my fucking heart, because I want to be the girl you think about, talk about, dream about! Because I fucking love you, okay?! I’m sorry!” You looked at her, eyes scared, like a little puppy. She didn't answer but didn't let go of your shoulder either. ''you happy now?'' You said and before Ellie could prevent it, you took the moment of her confusion as a way to escape her grip, pushing her away slightly. That movement was the wake-up call Ellie needed because she grabbed your shoulder again just to push you into almost the same position, back pressed against the cold wall.

And suddenly, you waited—waited what felt like ages—for the eclipse of her cutting words to happen. You anticipated her telling you to never talk to her again, accusing you of selfishness, and lamenting the ruin of a perfectly good friendship. But instead, there was silence. The only sound that reached your ears was her deep breathing, mirroring your own. And in that hot, suspended moment, you feared she could hear your heart beating, laid bare and vulnerable for her to either take or break. You studied her face intently, fear gripping your heart. Scared of what you might find in her expression. She does the same. Ellie's eyes traced every contour, mapping your features as if committing them to memory. And then, abruptly, her gaze halted. It rested on your lips-

"What are you doing?" you barely whispered, your voice a fragile thread in the charged air. The brown-haired girl lifted her gaze to meet your eyes once more, only to trace a deliberate path back down to your lips. A soft, almost imperceptible pressure settled against your chin, her hands holding you in place. Her thumb danced gently over your bottom lip, igniting a flutter of anticipation within you. You swallowed, the moment hanging suspended—a fragile bridge between friendship and something more you’re not ready to cross. "Ellie..." you murmured, the syllables almost lost in the charged silence. Her face drew closer to yours, breaths mingling, and before you could draw your next breath, her lips crashed onto yours without further hesitation. A simple kiss, yet it ignited a cosmic explosion within you. Her lips on yours transformed the quietude into a kaleidoscope of colors. Every rational thought in your brain was stripped away, replaced by her presence—the warmth of her hand still cradling your chin, the delicate shift as it left your shoulder to encircle your waist. Your fingers, guided by instinct, wove through her tousled hair, pulling her closer. Because when it's Ellie, close is never close enough.

As you finally convinced yourself to pull away, the air around you seemed to shimmer with heat. But your brain? It was a tangle of wordless wonder, unable to string coherent thoughts together. So, without hesitation, you drew her back into your space, pressing your soft lips against hers once more.

———————————————————

The ride back was weird. The air around the two of you, once filled with comfortable silence, had shifted. Now, it hung heavy with unspoken words, a chasm between you that seemed insurmountable.

After the kiss, neither of you said much. You swiftly wiped away your tears on the gray sweater you wore—a piece that belonged to Dylan, a memory of another time. Ellie, unable to meet your gaze, chose the only sensible course of action: finding a way out of the mall, escaping the charged atmosphere that clung to you both. Escaping you. And so, you found a backdoor, a clandestine escape from the weirdness that had enveloped you both. Even as you stepped into the outside world, a part of you wished you could linger within those walls a little longer. The horse up front awaited you, and you mounted it, riding away from the mall. The silence between you and Ellie weighed heavily, an unspoken question echoing: Why did it all become so weird?

Embarrassment clung to the silence, and you wondered what comfort you had once found in the noise—the cacophony of everyday life. But answers eluded you. As you returned to Jackson, Ellie by your side, you led the horses back to the stable. Maria received a brief explanation about the situation inside the building, her eyes curious but respectful. And then, without uttering a single word, you and Ellie went your separate ways. The silence remained, a chasm that neither of you dared to bridge.

This was 2 Days, 5 Hours and 54 Minutes ago. But who's Counting, right?

Ever since then, knowing you had three days off parole with her, you barricaded yourself at home. Maria didn't question it; she probably assumed it was because the bloader brought back too many memories. You certainly wouldn't correct her on that theory. Instead, you settled by the big window in your living room, watching raindrops trace their paths on the glass. But it couldn’t it stay that way and you knew eventually you'd have to talk to her, face her, and work with her. You didn't want things to become even more awkward than they already were. So you prepared yourself for a long, difficult talk.

With what felt like hours of convincing yourself and an argument you played out in your head, you got up and made yourself look presentable again. Leaving the comfort of your house, you took a little walk around the built neighbourhood in Jackson, pondering what you'd even say to her. Instead of taking the short road leading directly to Ellie's safe four walls, you made your way to one of the information stations across town, just to have a quick look at next week's schedule.

Arriving there, you meet a friendly face: Sophia. She's almost like Maria's right hand, diligently putting up new lists every week. You give her a small smile, though the turmoil inside you threatens to spill over. Her pitying look doesn't go unnoticed. Your eyes scan the handwritten list, searching for your and Ellie's names, followed by the assigned route. But something catches your attention: Ellie's name isn't next to yours anymore; it's now paired with Dina. You blink, thinking it's some cruel, messed-up joke. Your eyes dart around, seeking your initials, and there they are—next to Jesse.

"What the hell?" you mumble, the confusion swirling in your mind. Sophia approaches, sensing your distress. "Can I help you with anything?" she asks, her voice gentle. You hesitate, then blurt out, "Why am I assigned with Jesse instead of Ellie? Is this some sick joke?"

Regret tinges your voice; it's not Sophia's fault. Mistakes happen, right? She shifts uncomfortably, glancing at You. "Oh, Maria didn't talk to you yet?" she says, reading your expression. "Uhm, Williams, here." She points to the list, where Ellie's name is scrawled in an unsteady handwriting. "Asked Maria to switch parole partners... I don't know why," Sophie mumbles, fear evident in her eyes on how you'd take the news.

You turn to the door hearing a cracking sound, and there's Maria, striding toward you with multiple papers in hand.

"Maria, what the—" Your words catch in your throat. Maria's weathered face meets your gaze. "Hey, sweetie, don't give me that look," she says gruffly. "I tried to talk Ellie out of it, but she insisted on changing partners. Didn’t even gave me an explanation but I could tell she was serious. And since you and Jesse are friends as well, I thought it wouldn't make much of a difference. He can help you out” she said, making it sound like not a big deal.

She insisted on changing.

The words hang in the air, a sledgehammer to your already fragile heart. Is this how it’s going to be from now on? What are you supposed to do?

#ellie tlou #ellie williams #joel and ellie #the last of us #ellie the last of us #tlou #tlou2 #joel miller #joel tlou #elliexreader #elliewilliams #ellie x fem reader #ellie #ellie x reader #reader x character #ellie x you #last of us

[valsdelulucorner]

Belphie head cannons <3

Belphie is a very cuddly person with the right people. With Beel and you, he can easily just lean against you and fall asleep. With Lucifer however, he would rather wake up and be productive then lay against him.

I feel like belphie likes to do things with his hands like knitting and crocheting. Since he got locked in the attic, there wasn't anything interesting in there for him to do so he decided to teach himself knitting. He can now knit without looking so if he feels sleepy or is watching a movie with the others, he might just subconsciously start knitting.

If MC comes down as a singer, Belphie will probably love laying on your lap while you sing to him and play with his hair. He mostly loves listening to sing songs like "rises the moon" or "I don't want to set the world on fire" while he cuddles into your lap. He loves listening to you belt out songs like "my heart will go on" aswell but he prefers the softer songs he can fall asleep to

Will just fall limp against you randomly if he wants you to stay with him, if he wants you to carry him or if he's jealous. Your trying to leave bed to get ready? He's limp on top of you so you either have to stay in bed for the day of have one of his brothers remove him. He sees you talking with some other lowlife demon? Suddenly your holding him up and focusing on him now, not that scum you were talking to. He gets tired walking around and Beel isn't around? He's now nuzzling into your neck while you give him a piggyback ride, his tail wrapped around you both to make sure he doesn't fall off

Now I hate the fact that we just forgave belphie so easily after he literally killed us then tried to kill us again. Imagine MC was actually really weary around belphie for a few weeks/months after the incident and it was just eating belphie up inside seeing how scared we were of him

He kept trying to prove to MC that he got better and he wouldn't hurt them but sometimes it came off as to much and mammon stood in-between you both and took you away. It was only until he caught you in the observatory and decided to have a long conversation with you about everything. You saw how genuine he was in his apology so you guys made up and went on as friends

100% would share you with Beel. Cuddle piles, food runs, movie marathons, classes, he wouldn't mind Beel being there but he does like having one on one time with you without beel there

Your the only one he doesn't mind waking him up. He has and will again cuss out his brothers for waking him up (cough Lucifer cough). He might get annoyed initially but when he realizes its you, he will calm down and reach for you

He butts his head into you often, like how cats show their affection. He does it often while cuddling you, if you both are just laying in bed and talking about anything, he will gently butt his head into your jaw, side or neck and just act like nothing happened

Belphie does love cuddling you, that's pretty obvious but he also loves doing other things with you. He absolutely adores it when you listen to him nerd about the constellations and planets in devildom, gently holding your hand as he points to which one is which. He does love going on walks with you and stopping at shops that have crystals and little trinkets, buying matching things with you

Crystal and zodiac girly, need I say more

If you have scars from when he killed you, it breaks his heart every time he sees them once you guys start dating. While cuddling or even just sitting together, he will gently trace star protection spells over them, making sure they don't hurt or open up again

He finds it funny when your focused on something then he randomly brushes his fluffy tail across your face. Your annoyed and surprised face is just the cutest thing. If you go back to working, he will just curl up on your lap and wrap his tail around you, nuzzling his face into your neck while his tail keeps you close to him, making sure your safe in his embrace

Because he used to be infatuated with humans in his younger years, he likes to admire the way you age or the way you experience things differently to them. Your tastebuds, your hands, your skin, your hair, your eyes, everything is different to him but he loves that about you

He like to trace little spells into your skin when you both are cuddling in bed, he wants to make sure his starlight has the best of dreams while being held by him. After he makes sure all of his protection spells are in place, he will wrap his tail around you and let you spoon him, feeling safe in your arms

"will i see you in my dreams my dear?" "of course, my love"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This was suggested by @cuddlybelphie, Thank you so much for the suggestion! This was such a fun write

Who should i do next?

#valsdelulucorner #obey me nightbringer #obey me one master to rule them all #obey me x mc #obey me shall we date #obey me x reader #obey me #obey me fanart #obey me belphegor #obey me belphie #obey me belphie x mc #obey me belphie x reader #obey me beel #omomtrta #obey me! #om! shall we date #om! nightbringer #om! belphegor #om! belphie #obey me x gender neutral reader #obey me x y/n #obey me x you #obey me imagines #obey me fluff #obey me hcs #obey me headcanons

[mihai-florescu]

Putting a message i sent earlier under a read more, it has some thoughts ive expressed before tho. ES, of course

My thoughts as an EichiP... i view ! and !! as different stories in the way they're approached tbh, what i fell in love with enstars for was the character driven storytelling of one event seen through different perspectives, where you see the antagonist in one perspective become a protagonist in another story and can empathize with the entire cast like this. I fell in love with eichi's story of second chances, getting what you want and regretting your actions in the process, redemption, desperation, overcoming fate and asserting one's self into the story, saving a school in a dying industry that saved your life by giving you a dream; i consider it an arc fulfilling to the reader at the end of ! era. But we still had to continue... and it's not like we didnt get inklings of eichi's dreams of idol utopia, the idol soldier idea goes back to main story 1, but !! loses the charm of the original series through expanding the worldbuilding so much and shifting to a plot driven story that opens 10 cans of worms instead of offering resolutions. There's not really room to breathe if the stakes just keep getting higher and higher...

As for the colonisation plotline, it's been here since the beginning of ES2. The SS arc makes it obvious, but i remember even before, the talks about ES taking over from local businesses, trying to be seen as the standard, it was always the direction ensemble square as an institution would take. But the "antagonist in one story, protagonist in another" approach doesnt work anymore with such subjects. The guys responsible for this are your coworkers you share dorms with. I read the stories but cant empathize anymore, so i've been feeling disconnected from eichi for a while. I see enstars with eichi at its core but i didnt care for his center event, i read it, didnt like the ending, and overall felt off. Eichi becoming the villain of ! to attone for the war kind of loses significance if a year later he is a cartoon villain idol colonialist you can't even sympathize with anymore because of the magnitude of events. However i do think !! has done good things for some characters pushing them further or developing them in a way ! didnt. But for others...

I also have my issues with sci fi elements becoming the norm, even taken metaphorically or as hyperboles, when one of the central themes i love about enstars is humanity. Then again, i am a war era fan that relied on manipulating human desires and perceptions, and the fact that there were no monsters or gods, just humans framed as such, playing on people's fears and beliefs, it's a bit jarring to me to have them introduce AIs forming from escaped comatose brains (im minimizing the switch climax rn, i didnt even hate it as a whole, just this resolution im unhappy with)

It also feels like we've lost some of the meta aspects of the writing i liked, a certain awareness of being characters in a story and there being an audience. But im still struggling to word my thoughts on this matter. I felt it present in main story 2, even if it annoyed me at parts in its obviousness ("good thing we're not protagonists, no one would want to read about us" youre right aira you are not interesting to me. And yet i'll read your story to try and empathize nevertheless. I have other thoughts on aira too, perhaps for another time). I wish we explored a bit more what it means to no longer be the central protagonist, from trickstar's perspective...and brought back the successors topic. But i havent read every ts story yet so i'd be foolish to complain before really making sure i've checked everything. To me ! ended satisfyingly with room left for elaborations and imagination, but i dont feel like !!'s ending is really ending anything at all. Not necessarily bad since it's not like the game is shutting down, but overwhelming worldbuilding wise while underwhelming character wise...

Let's see... im not sure how to end this. Just a bit of a stream of consciousness as a ! fan who still loves enstars despite my critiques. Mainly, well, no one's gonna take away the stories that already exist that i do love and impacted my life greatly. And i do think !! had some really good things too it brought, or at least stories i hold dear too. Change is scary and i don't think it's always for the best, but it's also fun to see where it goes next...

#enstars

[umbraticstickerz]

Content warning for talking about nsfw topics and mention of suibaiting

I use the term 'schizo' here as a shortening of 'schizophrenia' this is just for ease of writing as I'm mentally exaughsted. I do not condone people using the term 'schizo' if they're not schizophrenic.

Okay I'm far calmer now but I feel this needs to be stated because I genuinely can't believe so many are tolerating this behavior.

Minors SHOULD NOT be posting kink art, at all. Especially they shouldn't be showing it to other minors regardless of if the work is 'sfw'.

The fact I've seen several people tolerating a minor making inflation and weight gain content and calling those against it fatphobic genuinely disgusts me. A person is not fat phobic for criticizing a kid making kink content.

The excuse that it was just comfort stuff doesn't work either because not only were hastags for the kinks themselves used, but an art piece reposted on that account was actual genuine fat fetish artwork. Terms like Vore, and talking about wanting to make a vore piece were also mentioned. Vore is inherently a kink and exclusively a kink for being eaten alive. Kinks themselves can be coping mechanisms so trying to claim it is such doesn't change that it was kink content. Regardless you would've been actively putting yourself in harms way for creeps who did view it sexually to interact with you.

Lilith you, and your friends, actively were harassing Haz for criticizing(justifiably) vaguely what you were doing. I especially do not like how you actively tried to paint an anonymous person sending asks that can be literally anyone, hell can literally be you because you can send anon asks to yourself, as if the Anon was Haz with literally 0 proof. I'm genuinely pissed that you only apologized to me, which you did after I made it clear to you I DO NOT WANT an apology from you as I WOULD NOT forgive you. I especially won't forgive you after you attempted to suibaited me to attempt to guilt me into forgiving you. The timing of that post being MINUTES after I told you explicitly to leave me alone for like the 5th time and that I just calmed down from a panic attack makes me come to that conclusion that was what you were actively doing.

I could genuinely be misinterpreting but this is still how that came off.

I am schizophrenic, I'm public about this fact, you knew this fact. For those who don't know, Schizo is not just seeing things. Its a disorder that severe paranoia, delusions, etc. Stress induced episodes are possible.

Your actions already triggered my paranoia really badly. Especially after the suibaiting, Suicide is already a massive trigger for me.

I genuinely cannot believe some of you are supporting a person who actively already harassed one person and spread a blatant lie about them, that posting fetish content knowing it will be seen as such, but also actively was triggering a person's mental disorder ignoring the person's pleads to be left alone.

Also DO NOT blame Haz for me finding your kink account for fucks sake. Haz was not why or how I found it, I found it because YOU reblogged it onto your OWN MAIN BLOG. Stop blaming Haz for literally everything. Quit acting like you're some victim in this situation. And get my god damn name out of your mouth. I'm not speaking about this any further and will go back to regularly posting after this. I only made this because this seriously needs to be addressed and y'all need to quit condoning this behavior especially since I know at least some of you are my same age or close to it. Deer Ragdoll you are not exempt either which is why this is being posted on twitter too, I know you're still on your accounts just because you deleted your tumblr doesn't mean I don't know you have a Twitter and can't see that you're still retweeting things. You both need to be held accountable for this genuinely disgusting behavior.

#wii deleted you #cw suibaiting #tw suibaiting #tw fetishization #louies random rat rambles #rant

[racharii]

coming from an enby whos tme (tho i myself am not transmasc), i feel like a lot of transmasc people are doing this "have their cake and eat it too" thing where they want to be perceived as men or men adjacent, in our society a part of the oppressor class, while also still wanting to benefit from structures meant to protect against said class. specifically ones that have been set up in queer spaces. ive met quite a few trans men who were just as vehemently misogynysitic as your average dude bro. and (this is speculation based on convos ive had with trans men im not in every transmascs head) a lot of transmascs have a lot of internalized misogyny that they project onto trans women. ive had an irl ex friend of mine say something that i think encapsulates this particular issue fairly well. this was like 8 years ago, we were talking about trans rep in media (specifically orange is the new black iirc) so im paraphrasing; 'its messed up that we (afabs in this context) are sidelined for people who used to be men, we cant escape the patriarchy.' that was horribly transmisogynistic, so lets unpack it.

it assumes that trans women are just men

it assumes sex essentialism, that they and i were just women. that we were just poor Females having 'our space' encroached on by mean 'former men.'

im not saying that all transmascs think like this ofc. #notallmen. im saying that some do, and enough transmascs have internalized misogyny and not enough self reflection.

just because you are trans doesnt mean you are immune to bigotry and recouping oppressive structures. none of us are free of Sin™️. you as an individual have to make an effort to reflect on your thoughts and actions and how they might affect yourself and others, so that you are not a willing participant of our communities oppression.

for example, ive talked a lot privately about my journey to being a better person, (and pobodies nerfect, its always a learning process, you always will have things you can improve on. and thats okay, were all just human) i initially hated it/its pronouns. 'it' gave me the ick. i was called 'it' as a kid incessantly to make fun of my gender presentation, i couldnt fathom someone else finding peace and even euphoria in using it/its. i bought into the conservative talking points about neopronouns and it/its being detrimental to the trans community. they were "the bad transes" and me? well i use they/them but shakespeare used the singular they so im fine :), im one of the good ones. then one day, i was listening to some video essay idr what or who, but something they said stuck with me, "if it/its makes me happy, why do you care? how does 'it' hurt you really?" my trauma is not everyones trauma, people will find comfort in things that i wont, and thats okay. 'it' hurt me when i was young, by cruel kids and uncaring adults. why am i hurting my community, my fellow transes, by continuing to deny them their autonomy to identify how they like? so i got over 'it.' i saw the real harm was the fucking wedge being driven between us by conservative grifters trying to pick off the weakest in the herd before they go in for the rest of us.

visibility isnt necessarily a good thing for marginalized people. transfemmes are the biggest target of hate in our community atm. they unfortunately serve as the canary. global fascism is on the rise and to be frank, a targeted hate campaign against a trans woman is asking for her to be killed. outed, paraded as a freak, doxxed, swatted, killed. protect trans women, fascism doesnt stop with one group nor will you be saved by being "one of the good ones." trans solidarity, even the people you dont like, even if you think theyre icky or gross or whatever the fuck else you do Not give up trans solidarity. you dont make callout posts, you dont send death threats, you dont send hate mail, if you dont like someone Block Them and move on.

we stand together or we will be eradicated.

#sorry this turned into a rant about impending fascism #but its all connected #rach rants #real cut a liberal a fascist bleeds vibes here recently #also im not proof reading this so sorry for typos #trans

[oddmawd]

I was trying to write before and it’s didn’t turn out good and I just stop writing and it don’t take practice you just have to be good at writing the first time you do it that is my opinion tho

i'm gonna assume you're like...12 years old...because there's no way an adult would be able to type that with a straight face

i'm not about to coddle you and give you a happy little pep-talk about ✨believing in yourself✨ after the way you treated that author...calling them a "bitch" because they don't PANDER TO YOUR SPECIFIC TASTES was a bully tactic and you should be ashamed of yourself

FURTHERMORE using a gendered insult like "bitch" and then demanding they write you a male reader insert story (while insulting female/gender neutral inserts in the same breath) is misogynistic as hell, i don't feel even the littlest bit sorry for you, so save the "woe is me, i can't write" bullshit for someone who gives a damn

but let me give you something to chew on while you throw yourself a pity-party about "not being good at writing" and pretend that gives you the right to bully people who actually TRY to be good writers:

Do Olympic athletes show up winning gold medals without ever setting foot on the practice field?

Do painters show up to their first class knowing how to use oil paints and watercolors and how to hold a brush effectively?

Did Hemingway roll out of the womb and write The Old Man and the Sea without writing a single damn thing beforehand?

no, they didn't...every writer you love wrote some SHITTY first drafts they didn't share with anyone because they sucked first (in private!) and THEN got good (in public)....and they got good by showing up and failing and trying again, and failing again and trying again and FAILING AGAIN (because that's what practicing is!!!!) until they finally started succeeding regularly...

UNLIKE YOUR CLOWN ASS THAT RAN AWAY SCARED WHEN YOUR FIRST STORY DIDN'T TURN OUT PERFECT

i'm not gonna take the easy road here and point out how fucking LAZY you sound when you say you tried once and gave up, because that's a cheap fucking shot and way too easy (you set me up so badly bro, like c'mon)

what i'm gonna do instead is point out that you just admitted that you were too fucking scared to try more than once

"BOO HOO, i wrote something, it was shitty, i was scared of what people might say and then i gave the fuck up" - you, probably

and that's the difference between we "lazy bitch" reader insert writers who actually post our work, and you: we show up and we TRY, every goddamn day, and we put ourselves out there despite the risk of being bullied by people like you who can't be bothered to try more than once

do you know what writing is, at its most fundamental level? it's showing your work to people and saying "please read this and enjoy it, i worked really hard," and PRAYING they don't tear your hard work apart for no reason at all, but that's what YOU did! you saw someone writing something they enjoyed and went "fuck you, i don't care that you labored and practiced for weeks and months, it wasn't to MY TASTES and therefore you're a lazy bitch," and you're apparently so un-selfaware that you don't realize the irony of YOU, a person who can't be bothered to try writing more than once, A) calling someone lazy, and B) demanding they spend their time/expertise to write something just for widdle ol' you, in the same breath

do you not fucking hear yourself????? huh?????

you tried writing ONCE and found out it was too hard for you, so now your answer is to bully writers and make demands of them? when you should know through your ONE attempt how difficult writing must be?

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK BRO?

you should never message a writer again with your demands when you can't even be bothered to live up to your own standards, you entitled tone-deaf hypocrite

writing takes courage, and you have ✨N O N E✨

#i've been writing for 25 years #i think i only got good in the last 5 #don't devalue our time and hard work to get good #demanding ass entitlement from a person who can't even be bothered to TRY #the only reason you don't realize how hard it is is because YOU GAVE UP #but we didn't #we wrote until we got good #now buckle down and TRY or take what we write with a smile

[widevibratobitch]

my god. skinny people really just have like. No Idea huh just absolutely not a single clue lmao it's almost funny to watch fr but then id lie if i said i wouldn't fucking kill to be able to be that ignorant

#girl i am SO sorry people react with surprise when you say you're studying to be an opera singer because you're #*checks notes* skinny and attractive. so so sorry that must be literal hell for you huh how will you ever recover :(((( #no no please keep talking about how equally bad that is to the brutal fucking fatshaming and ED glorifying #in the industry that me and the only other fat girl in the room were talking about before you interrupted us <3 #anyway. we were talking about this one review of a quite famous professional music critic whose only comment about a fat mezzo in the cast #was 'miss xyz.... lose some weight'. not a single word about her singing/acting/whatever. but yeah no you're too sexy for an opera singer #and THAT is the real problem here girl i totally understand yeah <3 thoughts and prayers dearest. #earlier that same day this same girl was standing next to me in her bodycon dress and went #*pointing at her stomach that's so flat its almost concave* 'ughhhh what do i have to do to not look pregnant in this dress 😩😫' #and i said 'girl' and just looked at her and like the sudden horrified realisation on her face was lowkey hysterical #like omg you really did forget you're not talking to your other skinny friends with whom you can pat each other on the backs #and reassure each other that 'dw girl ur not fat at all ur so so sexy!' huh sjshsjshsjs #but yeah i dont like making people uncomfortable irl so i did reassure her she looks hot and pretty and skinny as all shit #let at least one of us have a nice evening and not feel Absolutely Fucking Disgusting ig <3 #and the day before that after i saw our (last ever btw never photographing myself with them ever again <3) picture and had a mini break down #the other even skinnier and smaller and petite-er crouched down next to me with the most guilty fucking expression and quietly asked me #if im alright and do i want her to delete those pictures (that she posted on two separate social media pages) and like #the look of immense fucking pity on her was even worse than seeing those pictures #like i know she meant well and was trying to be nice but my god. this really is how you all see me huh #like looking like me would be fate worse than death for yall #not even gonna mention the thing i just learned this friday that the retired ballerina who leads our ballet classes said about me #trying to cheer up the other fat girl who happened to have a bit of an emotional breakdown in the middle of the class :))))))) #like i am sooooooo so glad and honoured to be an inspiration to you. really. always happy to help. the exemplary Fat Girl Who Fucking Sucks #But Doesnt Let It Bother Her <333333 #like on one hand. yeah it really does make me wanna jump off a cliff. but on the other. its just hilarious sjdgsjsgsj #you sure are right miss ma'am. i sure don't let this bother me at all. i am famous for my uncanny ability to Not Be Bothered by all this <33 #but shes new. its ok. how could she know about the last two years when i was getting panic attacks and sobbing myself to sleep every tuesday #but yeah no. [lauren cooper voice] am i bovvered? am i bovvered tho? i aint even bovvered!

[caffeinatedopossum]

I'm having the sudden urge to make a discord server for all of us but I'm almost definitely not qualified. Like idk I just like you guys and you seem so cool and funky and sometimes I think we should talk and listen to music and show each other our art and our outfits and vent and celebrate together and play games and shit

#but oof thats a terrifying thoughts #ive had bad experiences in discord before #because they were not moderated well or people just decided to make a bunch of drama for some reason #one time a person legit called me several slurs?? when i was just trying to ask if they could be a little more respectful #and then they were like 'well ACTUALLY im only racist and violent because im autistic so stop being ableist maybe' like??? #skgkfj it was honestly so absurd its just kinda funny #but then the LITERAL PERSON THAT MADE THE SERVER started insulting people too #saying that we were all boring npcs and didnt care about them at all and saying how much they hated all of us #like ??? ok i kinda feel for you but also the only reason no one was talking was because it wasnt being moderated at all #it was like they didnt pay attention to what was actually happening in the server at all #they were fifteen and mentally ill though so idk how much i can blame them. i just hope theyre ok cause it was a lot honestly

[godsfavoritescientist]

As someone who is aspec myself, I love the idea of aroacespec Ford within the context of billford. *Especially* Ford grappling with a lifetime of bafflement about romantic and sexual attraction, and then feeling *some* kind of powerful emotion about Bill and getting excited about it like "this is it! This is the attraction thing that everyone always talks about! I'm finally experiencing it for someone, I'm doing 'humaning' correctly!!!" and maybe he's correctly identified it, or maybe its something else, such as queerplatonic attraction, or scientific fascination, but either way, feeling something like this for someone for the first time that feels more genuine than any of his attempts to feel heteronormative love in the past for an *eldritch god* is a whole other thing for him to grapple with, like, the internal confusion of "Why am I feeling this for the first time for a non-human entity? Does that cancel out the increased normalcy of me feeling This Kind of Love? Does it outweigh feeling Love and make me even weirder??"

And maybe, with any luck, this could end with Ford realizing that it *doesn't matter* what kind of love and/or affection and interest he and Bill have towards eachother, and it doesn't matter how much he conforms to society's ideals for what a human being "should be like." It doesn't *have* to be romantic for them to want to be together from now til the end of time. And even if sometimes their relationship might seem like it crosses into romantic and/or sexual territory, *they're* the ones who get to define it, and the multiverse is the limit. They don't *need* to confine the way they see their love for eachother to the human definitions and expectations for how people should feel and act within a long term relationship. And if humanity thinks that makes Ford less human, well, he doesn't fucking care, because what has the seemingly-always-just-out-of-reach ideal of "being human" that society has pushed upon him ever done for him except make him feel intensely isolated and unworthy? It doesn't matter if society hands him the title of "human" that they've cruelly dangled over his head his whole life or not. He is living the life he wants to lead, in the company of the person he cares for most, and that is all that truly matters.

#aroace billford #not gonna say anything either way on bill's sexuality because im very hesitant to call the nonhuman evil guy aro and/or ace. #and bills sexuality doesnt matter here. you dont need to define it in order to say 'bill enjoys spending time with ford' #ford really truly Does Not Care if bill is 'capable of love' or whatever amatonormative society is so obsessed with #Why Does It Matter if Bill is 'capable of love.' Why Does It Feel Like That's Sometimes Brought Up As Proof That He Is 'More Evil' #the fucked up things that bill Does are what make him evil in canon. not whatever people think he can or cant feel. #it feels like throwing ford under the bus when people say 'bill isnt capable of love' tbh #because wondering if oneself is 'capable of love' in the amatonormative sense is Such an Aspec experience #and tbh? having an intimate relationship with a being that isnt sure if he's capable of love sounds great! #ford can be with bill without worrying if he's loving bill 'the right way' or 'enough for bill to be happy' or whatever #he can just Be. and he can trust that bill is perfectly okay with literally any reasons ford has for wanting to be wifh him #he doesnt have to try and pinpoint what kind of feelings he has for bill because it doesnt matter to bill #and that is Such a Relief for ford #of course all of this is ignoring the fact that bill was only ever using ford as a tool to get what he wants #but im talking about prebetrayal fords perspective! these are his thoughts based on the info he had at the time! #its still very meaningful for ford! bill betrayed him but that doesnt erase the way ford felt prebetrayal #someone turning out to be a liar doesnt completely undo the things they made you realize about yourself while you were together #which also REALLY complicates fords feelings post betrayal. he cant COMPLETELY dismiss everything. #otherwise he would be dismissing the good realizations he had about himself too. #original post #tags essay #long post #kinda

[catgirlwizard]

.

#personal #its ridiculous how i was so depressed 2 days ago and then my partner was like. whay if i came over right now even though #its almost midnight. and what if i slept over at your house for 3 nights in a row. and now im sitting here having eaten breakfast for the #first time in like 4 weeks and feeling happy waiting for him to wake up so we can shower together and were #gonna go on a build-a-bear date and i no longer feel like i deserve to d*e with him here #hes just so sweet and i love him a lot and im really lucky to have him in my life <3 ive never been in a relationship where i felt this #safe and comfortable and accepted before and i know he hasnt either and its just nice #definitely helps that were both trans autistic queers with parental trauma so theres a lit about each other that we understand without #needing to explain it in depth #but also he really values communication and even thiigh im so used to shutting all my feelings off and not telling people about them #im trying really hard to not do that with him and its? nice not bottling everything up for once? #he really listens to me when i talk and tries to understand and respect my boundaries all the time and its realy nice to have that #ive been awful at establishing boundaries in past relationships and i didnt feel like my boundaries mattered to at least one ex so its #a nice change of pace to have someone go out of their way to make me feel reapected and valued like thay #and thats not even mentioning all the hot gay transgender sex we have because like. both being on t kind of makes that a necessity dhdjdjdj #its just nice having him in my life and feeling loved and cared for and getting to love and care for him back and im so lucky #that everything fell into place for us to date each other because i really dont know what id have done without him this past half a year #this is so long fhdjsjsjsj im just waoting for him to get up and feeling emotional about how much of a good influence he is in my life <333

[pepprs]

ykw that was exactly the thing i was vaguing about earlier this morning btw (sorry). since saturday night the whole topic of [pausing here to transform into a hideous beast because of the word my phone was trying to suggest i put after ‘topic of.’ like could this get any more meta and/or disturbing] anyways the whole topic of.. me and how i am or am not situated like.. r*mantically. it’s been multiple times every day since saturday night that it’s come up in posts i see in irl convos in photo memory reminders in shows my family is watching etc. ajd im not like mad at anyone/thing for posting / talking about it it’s just i feel like exploding a little bit between me myself and i that’s all

#purrs #i know i am 23 years old and i have a lot of life left ahead of me. but i think it’s just hard because im almost always the least #experienced / most sheltered person in the room. and some of that isn’t my fault bc it’s a product of 💖generational trauma💖 but some of it i #is ithink. im skittish like a horse. i had to cut off my life here when i went abroad and then covid hit and i think i got so used to things #being fucked up and to seeing fewer people that isolation became normal for me and now trying to push myself past that is terrifying and i #get so easily overwhelmed by socializing and i hate it but also that’s everyone rn i guess bc we are living in hell. but im skittish like a #horse. i have damaged friendships with people i really cared about because they told me they liked me and i couldn’t handle that and im #haunted every single day by the thought of how i mishandled things at 17-18 and probably caused certain individuals a lot of pain that they #may still be feeling and i want to apologize but that might only make it worse so i never can. and ofc like im jealous and insecure bc ive n #never even been like.. idk. the closest i ever got to being in a relationship was w one of those ppl and i ran away at the point that we rec #reciprocated and i just feel stupid and defective and i hate that if i had to do it all over again i would probably do the same thing. #ive grown a lot emotionally in the last 5 years but im still so like… weak in some ways and there’s common sense / natural compassion things #that i can sense Wojld make sense to do but i just can’t. i am not a good friend or family member right now and so how on earth could i ever #be a good partner to someone. but also uhmmmmmmmmmmmmm life is very very hard to do alone and i would like to not do it alone. and i know #there’s hope but i also like. can’t handle it. idk. it’s a mess and im just depressed about it so hopefully talking about it candidly will b #be enough to like.. eliminate the possibility of it coming up again bc it’s hard enough when im not thinking about it it’s even harder when #there are signs and reminders everywhere that i am young and inexperienced and feeling cringefail misery and doom and jealousy about it #delete later #its also fucking insane bc you grow up and realize what you’ve been missing out on bc you were a kid and it’s like how do i even get there a #and then the older adults you live with and interact with regularly rub it in your face both intentionally and unintentionally and sometimes #without malice but it’s still like… can there please not be about 15 examples of the exact thing i want that are unavoidable and inescapable #at al times by virtue of my life situation rn. in the back of my mind there is always a thread agitated by that and it sucks

[tordthing]

ignore the tags please some venting n stuff. Not actually bad I just overthink a lot

Thought too hard accidentally hit 30 tags whoops lmao

(no tonetags apologies this is more for my eyes than anything. I'm not upset at anyone in particular tho)

#tom doesn't follow this blog i dont think so ill talk here #but him and a bunch of other singlets that know that were a system. have said stuff about missing matt when i front #and i know they're not complaining about me but being told that they're actively waiting for me to leave #and won't contact us when im around uh. hurt #i know you guys miss matt i don't know what to do . xe cant be here right now xe is more important and has important things to do and stuff #just. i don't like singlets very much #so tom himself saying like 'hey i know matts not here because theres stuff going on and you're doing a good job'. hit very hard #i thought he hated me #and i feel so guilty fronting for too long because! everyone misses matt! or they miss some other person who hasn't fronted #but nobodys ever. been excited to see me? or missed me when i dont front. #matts never noticed. hes mentioned when some people dont front for a while but he never mentions anything when i dont #and ive been. super stressed out about trying to relate to singlets too lately #because people want to talk to me! for me! for the things that i say! not because im just someone they like's sysmate. but it's. #difficult to relate to them a lot. feel like a burden bringing up my own memories while talking about fandom but that's part of it #and its hard to talk about normal stuff like how im doing because i don't know? ive been productive and ive gotten gifts and given gifts #ive talked to new people ive made edits ive made actual friends that want to talk to me! #me specifically. i think #but ive done stuff. ive been productive and happy. so it doesnt really make sense for me to be stressed out #how am i supposed to relate to singlets? i dont know much about our life. i don't hold a lot of our memories and im part of a subsys #so amnesia barriers are pretty high #and they don't live with this i can't be relatable talking about headspace stuff?? #it just feels like im faking and not being singlet enough. #i love my friends. #oh yeah now that i do have friends that aren't just kyle ive been really freaked out by legacy #because i relate to source a lot thats not a secret #but. but i did that in source too? later. #and now i do have friends. i do have people i could accidentally hurt and i don't want to do anything wrong #so now im just watching everybody else talk and deleting the stuff i type before i send it and just. being here #it's stupid! i know thats not me. it's fake. #but it is in a way and it makes me feel horrid and disgusting.

[dyketubbo]

making posts on here is like trying to navigate a minefield sometimes bc i swear this fandom has given me like upgraded paranoia about being misunderstood/taken in the wrong way bc of my wording. like i already grew up with this fear bc autism and disorganized speech esp w having a speech impediment etc etc but while i get the instinct to try and bite back i feel like sometimes i can never just say personal feelings or mess around without it being made into a Big Deal. like sometimes im not making takes or super indepth analysis im just talking at the air about my own experiences and frustrations yknow. being scrutinized over word choice is fucking scary when you have like 50 fucking things that make it incredibly hard to be able to get your point across in a concise and understandable manner

#still have such intense leftover fears from the qpr drama #people widespread the idea that i was arophobic for so fucking long even after the fact and constantly took what i said in the worst way- #-possible and im not even sure if its stopped yet considering even like in. what was it early june. i had someone say they heard i was- #-arophobic #n like nowadays yeah i see where there were points where i messed up with wording #but other times it was like. definitely Intentional misreading #like somehow claiming i thought the word relationship wasnt connected to friendship and then mocking me (an aro person.) for supposedly #not having friends #or claiming i was calling ppl misogynistic/racist/fatphobic bc i . said i felt weird about kristin being shoved to the side #or ppl who fucking somehow got the idea that i was arguing that qp relationships were inherently platonic #when the whole point was that i felt like people were using qprs as a way to hide that they were just doing romantic shipping #and were putting qprs behind a /p tag or talking abt them as if theyre not much more than 'platonic spouses' #when the entire point . is that they arent strictly platonic. and that was what i was trying to address was that i felt #they werent just headcanons. because theyre committed and intimate relationships with a wide variety of descriptions #based on the individuals in the relatio ship. and making it into a 'two bros who kiss' thing and nothing more was yeah! a bit weird! #like disregarding the discussion of cc boundaries n if ccs should get involved with that esp bc i dont feel comfy talkin abt that point #nymore. the point was just. that i felt like reducing qprs to 'close friends but More' or Just Headcanons was disingenuous #and that in the dsmp fandom for a good fucking while yeah people would slap /p or the qp label onto a relationship that they clearly just- #-shipped so they could pass it as just headcanons and Not Shipping #but instead it got misconstrued into the idea that *i* thought qprs were strictly platonic relationships #slash just another word for best friends. when that was what i was actively Against labeling qprs as #and then i went down as arophobic and had people fucking harass me over it for like a month like #it felt fuckin shitty to be put in a situation where i was (even if indirectly) the center of attention in such a large negative way #with a bunch of full grown adults dismissing my actual concerns and points while widespread vaguing me to a point #where i would have to doublecheck posts even ppl I followed reblogged .bc i had 2 check if the person i agreed with secretly was vaguing me #and i got told i was playing the victim card for saying as a teenager that was stressful for me to go through #like even now i still feel intense anxiety around emduo fans that i dont already know are chill bc that shit ruined me for a good while #i couldnt even enjoy the characters themselves. and i always feel like itll happen again #i know a lotta ppl hold me as som1 good w words but its scary to be held to that standard when ive so many mental problems tht make it hard #mask mews

[hamletthedane]

I was meeting a client at a famous museum’s lounge for lunch (fancy, I know) and had an hour to kill afterwards so I joined the first random docent tour I could find. The woman who took us around was a great-grandmother from the Bronx “back when that was nothing to brag about” and she was doing a talk on alternative mediums within art.

What I thought that meant: telling us about unique sculpture materials and paint mixtures.

What that actually meant: an 84yo woman gingerly holding a beautifully beaded and embroidered dress (apparently from Ukraine and at least 200 years old) and, with tears in her eyes, showing how each individual thread was spun by hand and weaved into place on a cottage floor loom, with bright blue silk embroidery thread and hand-blown beads intricately piercing the work of other labor for days upon days, as the labor of a dozen talented people came together to make something so beautiful for a village girl’s wedding day.

What it also meant: in 1948, a young girl lived in a cramped tenement-like third floor apartment in Manhattan, with a father who had just joined them after not having been allowed to escape through Poland with his pregnant wife nine years earlier. She sits in her father’s lap and watches with wide, quiet eyes as her mother’s deft hands fly across fabric with bright blue silk thread (echoing hands from over a century years earlier). Thread that her mother had salvaged from white embroidery scraps at the tailor’s shop where she worked and spent the last few days carefully dying in the kitchen sink and drying on the roof.

The dress is in the traditional Hungarian fashion and is folded across her mother’s lap: her mother doesn’t had a pattern, but she doesn’t need one to make her daughter’s dress for the fifth grade dance. The dress would end up differing significantly from the pure white, petticoated first communion dresses worn by her daughter’s majority-Catholic classmates, but the young girl would love it all the more for its uniqueness and bright blue thread.

And now, that same young girl (and maybe also the villager from 19th century Ukraine) stands in front of us, trying not to clutch the old fabric too hard as her voice shakes with the emotion of all the love and humanity that is poured into the labor of art. The village girl and the girl in the Bronx were very different people: different centuries, different religions, different ages, and different continents. But the love in the stitches and beads on their dresses was the same. And she tells us that when we look at the labor of art, we don’t just see the work to create that piece - we see the labor of our own creations and the creations of others for us, and the value in something so seemingly frivolous.

But, maybe more importantly, she says that we only admire this piece in a museum because it happened to survive the love of the wearer and those who owned it afterwards, but there have been quite literally billions of small, quiet works of art in billions of small, quiet homes all over the world, for millennia. That your grandmother’s quilt is used as a picnic blanket just as Van Gogh’s works hung in his poor friends’ hallways. That your father’s hand-painted model plane sets are displayed in your parents’ livingroom as Grecian vases are displayed in museums. That your older sister’s engineering drawings in a steady, fine-lined hand are akin to Da Vinci’s scribbles of flying machines.

I don’t think there’s any dramatic conclusions to be drawn from these thoughts - they’ve been echoed by thousands of other people across the centuries. However, if you ever feel bad for spending all of your time sewing, knitting, drawing, building lego sets, or whatever else - especially if you feel like you have to somehow monetize or show off your work online to justify your labor - please know that there’s an 84yo museum docent in the Bronx who would cry simply at the thought of you spending so much effort to quietly create something that’s beautiful to you.

#shut up e #long post #Saturday thoughts #this has been in my drafts for a week haha #also this is the heart of why AI art feels so wrong #forget the discussion of copyright and theft etc - even if models were only trained on public domain they would still feel very wrong #because they’re not art. art is the labor of creation #even commercial art and art commissioned by the popes and kings of history: there is humanity in the labor of it #unrelated: I did not know living in the Bronx was now something to brag about. How the fuck do y’all New Yorkers afford this city???

[readymades2002]

it is very frustrating because my mom does not know What The Deal Is but she certainly Suspects (for good reason. to be fair to her.) and she has Insinuated and she has Implied but she has not asked anything specifically. and its...not unreasonable for her to do this i guess because the last relationship i was in i didn't tell her for a year and a half. because the relationship BEFORE that was my first and it was with a girl and i asked her EXPLICITLY AND URGENTLY to not tell my dad about it because he was a massive homophobe and i knew this and saw this where she did not and she told him anyway and i have not trusted her since though, having few other options, i have continued to confide in her things that i should not confide in her that have then mysteriously made their way through all our shared coworkers back to me. and its.....its so. i don't know what to do about it. she..."stalked" is the wrong word but she followed my blog against my wishes and knowledge as a child and the more i lost trust in her and stopped talking to her the more she pried into my private life. i know my sister had similar experiences with her. and it has created this cycle where i keep trying to keep her out for my own privacy and dignity and safety and she just gets even more desperate and pathetic trying to get in after breaking my trust over and over and OVER again but i live with her and depend on her for far too many things and so it just. is this. awesomesauce

#have talked about it a bit with a few people and its...difficult? #i have always felt like i was the person standing between my parents when my dad was at his worst #and as kind of like. someone who failed to protect my family from him #and the last few months ive started recognizing patterns where 1) when my parents were united #was when there was a common threat and that common threat was ALWAYS me and my insanity. which feels. bad #and 2) my mother had no one to talk to about the horrific shit he said and so often ended up relaying #some of the worst things youve ever heard to me and my sister very conversationally #every thing he said about me that haunts me i heard when she told me and then went 'ha! isnt that so stupid he would say that?' #like. i guess its. she was a...i hate using it here but a Victim in thatsituation but im also starting to learn #that she was also a collaborator. and that she failed to protect us or take care of us often because she was scared of him #or sometimes because she agreed with him or hated/resented us or whatever. its. um #it is difficult. and every time i try to change and talk openly around her instead of being passive aggressive as i learned from her #she responds in the same guilt trippy icy way and says i am pissy or i think too black and white or do i think shes a bad person #and so i cannot...i cannot grow with her because it HURTS. every time. and ive just kind of...found it harder and harder to talk to her #at all. and her pain fills the apartment because she sees it happening. and it makes coming back here every day #even more unbearable even more crushing and i don't know what to do about it #it has been so weird. ive been trying to...change and grow. to be Real. to be truthful and to communicate well #for my friends and coworkers and family and i feel i've come so far sometimes #and then when it comes to her i just don't know how to do it because i don't trust her. #and when i try it only hurts both of us and i can't explain that to her because she WILL take it personally and she #she...everyone is capable of change. i believe that. to be alive is constant changing. but she refuses. #when she asked me if i thought she was a bad person she answered her own question going 'i dont think so. #i think you see things so much more black and white than i do and you're so easily offended and sensitive. i think im a good person' #not in a...not in a combative way but in a sincere way. and its like. i dont think i even responded i was fucking flabbergasted #where do you even GO from a statement like that lmao!!! god. its so frustrating. it is so so so fucking frustrating