Online self-harm is not a loudly talked topic but it is indeed a real thing. When I say this I mean looking specific harmful feedback introducing yourself in places you know you will recive it. By no means I justify it, any insult, threat or humilliation you recive is the abuser’s fault and they should take responsability for that. However I can’t hide the fact that even tho it hurts me when I see people sending me messages insulting me and willing to be as painful as possible I can’t forget the fact that I was actually actively looking for it. I wanted that feedback, I have certain accounts dedicated to looking for people that will treat me like trash and I let them, I respond to them insulting myself too, I accept and look for this harm. This is self harm, even tho I am not cutting my skin or breaking my bones I am hurting myself in purpose. I never talk about this…but I think I should. And I wonder how many people do never talk about it neither.
A part of me wants these painful emotions to end. Wants these thoughts to disappear. Wants these feelings to leave. I’d chop off my arm if it meant I could have a mind free of worry, self hatred, hopelessness, sadness, and depression. I’d shock my brain 16 times if it meant I could feel like my old self again. I would do anything to feel different. I feel too much and I think too much. My mind never stops. My mind never stops. It never stops, it never stops. It’s not going to stop until the day I say I’ve had enough and end it all.
A part of me wants to stay alive. A part of me wants to end it all. These two parts of me fight like wrestlers in a match. They’re aggressive and they’re mean and they’re unpredictable. Some days I think I know who’s going to win but other days I’m left crippled by this undying need to just end it all.
Me: wow, I feel like I’ve come so far in my mental health journey!
BPD: that’s only because you haven’t split on anyone lately
Me: but that’s the point - I HAVEN’T split. Therefore, I feel there’s improvement!
BPD: that’s only because you haven’t split on anyone lately
BPD: You’re still a nightmare and will be reminded of how bad you are when that time inevitably comes again
Me … *lies down*
4 months self harm clean
// Tw self harm
My therapist admitted I have bpd traits bc I change who I am based on who I’m dating and bc I harmed myself out of anger due to my boyfriend being annoyed with me ((:
She doesn’t want to diagnose yet but we will see I guess
Edit just so y’all don’t accuse me of self diagnosing: I’ve been prof recognized (diagnosed but not on paper) but it was like 3 years ago so my current therapist wants to thoroughly understand my symptoms before she diagnoses.
Im honestly so annoyed at my inability to kill myself rn ima take these pills and i bet my whole ass i just wake up tomorrow with a headache
Psychiatrist: See you in two weeks. You are so unpredictable that if I see you in more time you probably return married or decided to live in another place.
I am alone. Completely and utterly alone. Even my head is working against me. My whole existence is painful. I have to convince myself that I should keep living every single morning. What kind of life is this?
I hate that I want someone to save me from all of this pain.
I hate that I fantasize of someone holding me through the worst of it.
Waking up in a panic, and them being there saying,
“You’re Safe Now”
my mood: His Theme
my mood 15 seconds later: Tem Shop
this is what bpd feels like ngl
I had to learn to be the adult when I was just a child and now that I’m “actually” an adult I still feel like I’m just a little kid trapped in playing a role bc I never got the time to learn how to actually be an adult
You know what fuck love I’m just gonna hate everyone so i don’t hurt them when we talk
They just won’t like me and will leave and that’s better than anything else
hey, i’m feeling very depressed right now and i’m trying not to relapse and self harm, if someone could please message me and talk to me i would really appreciate it
sometimes I still think about you, I don’t tell you all the things I used to, don’t like to admit that it’s bad for me, but I spend too much time in my room
Public Service Announcement:
I absolutely hate that I need to repeat this so many times but here I go:
This blog is not yours. This blog is MINE. If I’m gonna post something vague, I am 100% allowed to. If I’m gonna preemptively ask people not to probe me for more information, I’m 100% allowed to.
I created this blog as a safe space for me. Quite often it becomes the opposite, with people sending me hateful and attacking messages. The good outweighs the bad, and I’m keeping my blog.
But for the love of all things holy, if you have a problem with something I post then I’ll tell you how to fix it:
DON’T READ IT.
Genius, I know.
attention to my fellow pwbpd; please don’t go to r/bpdlovedones! the content there is extremely hateful and a good chunk of it suggests that those posting there don’t even think of us as human. dm me if you need proof just please do not go to that site. i saw the subreddit thinking it would be full of positivity, but it definitely was not
Los miedos por momentos me atacan, parecen pesadillas pero sin dormir y en mi cabeza…me destruyen un poquito mi alma y la fuerza de voluntad que me tiene aun aqui… la verdad me tengo miedo a veces, por que? Porque no se que día ni porque razón y motivo pueda yo descontrolarme nuevamente, malograr todo, sacar algunos pensamientos malos y un poco obsesivos y ni decir paranoicos de mi cabeza… y que al final me arrepienta.. lo que conllevaria a mi muerte ya que no soportaria vivir si es que al hacerlo pierdo esto que es importante para mi… muchas veces muy normal y otras muy extraña, muy loca o muy sana… es que siento que por momentos no soporto esta condición… este estar viva pero sentirme un poco muerta, este parecer fuerte pero estar tan debil… es que hasta el más minimo roce puede producirme dolor… lo malo es que no se cuando podria pasar esto, cuando puedo estar aqui o en el pasado… llorando o riendo… me queman mis lagrimas, que curioso… siempre tan asi… en ocasiones desearia estar normal pero en otras pienso que es lo mejor tener esto, que casi es como un don… pese a todo… como dije, no quiero malograr lo que más amo con mis cosas, miedos, pensamientos y acciones impulsivas… porque este amor es lo más preciado para mi… porque esa persona es lo más importante para mi ❤🐇