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#break up

i hope you know
that i could cry
just thinking of
the people i
have turned away
have pushed and left
just because
of what you did
to me

when you said
and said
and saidandsaidandsaid

its unfair.

every voice in my head
with a name and a face
all yell
four letter words
over and over
say i shouldn’t
but i should and i will and i Should

bc its unfair

and lying does nothing for me
ive coated years and months and days and words
in sugar
just to stomach it
coated others in sour dust
to feign disgust
to pucker and wince
like its deserved
for me

but its unfair

and crying cleans nothing of me
or the experience
nor do i want it to
i stood for years
and months and days and minutes
of my own volition
even as those voices yellled
4 letter words
at me
saying i shouldn’t
i just can’t help but think…
all the time i think…

how unfair

and i mean it.
i mean it with my heart and soul
with my being
as it vibrates
thinking of you and him and him and you
and me with him and you with me
when you had me.
bc you had me.

its so unfair

nothing is MORE unfair
than sitting here saying
that it was all your fault.

“You broke me.”

bc you didn’t.

it’s unfair to put the blame on you
you did bad things but they don’t make you bad
and even making everybody angry
isn’t a sin
or a sign of a monster
i did everything and nothing right in your eyes.
not even that
i did everything right and everything wrong in your eyes
and that was the WORST part…

but i have nothing to say about it.
i have everything to feel but nothing to say.

it’s just unfair.

and maybe so were you.
maybe you felt things about me that weren’t fair
but i can’t change you.

never could
no matter how much you tried to work yourself over
knead at yourself to be malleable
it never worked
bc you did it with your nails
and poked holes in yourself
and asked me to fix you
manage you
into something more loveable
as if the form that you were
when we were first starting
wasn’t something
that i was supremely interested in.

as if you were never enough
and needs something more more even more
i just… don’t know what to tell you.

other than
it’s unfair.

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Nothing is making me feel better. Therapy isn’t working. Meds are not making a difference. Everything is going to shit and I feel irreparably broken. Nothing can fix me.

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I wanted him to feel the seething pain I’d had burning in me for months.

But the difference between us is, I’d never wish this kind of heartbreak and devastation upon anyone. Not even the devil himself.

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My boyfriend of 2.5 years broke up with me after saying I was the love of his life and talking about marriage.

This is the only place I can talk about it. Might spam you all with my sadness. Sorry/not sorry

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The Garden of Eden

It’s over.

We fucked up one too many times to ever go back to that old place we called home.

No matter how much we might want it. No matter how much we might miss it.

Like Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden, we’ve been banished from a holy place because of our sins.

I sincerely hope the future proves that all this pain was worth it.

And that we may find bliss and happiness on our own paths.

Even if we hear that empty void inside us, calling home to one another.

In a choir of heartbreak.

From you to me, from me to you.

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i miss how he told me i was his good girl whenever i whined and buried my face in his neck

i miss how he moaned “princess” while i was grinding on his thigh

i miss how he pinned my hands behind my back whenever i got bratty

i miss how he told me how cute i was whenever i got needy

i miss how he gave me a million billion kisses all over my face whenever he felt like it

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