“It’s a constant back and forth between my head and my heart. My head tells me to let you go, that you bring me nothing but pain. While my heart tells me to hold on, that some love is worth fighting for.”
I don’t know how you left me so easily. I do know that three and a half months ago you told me that knowing you had hurt me killed you inside. I know that you told me how nice it was to see me smile again. I know you told me I was amazing even when I could only see my flaws. I know that even before we were together, you could tell when I was upset even if I didn’t say anything. I know you would hug me everyday when we said goodbye. I know you would kiss the top of my head when we cuddled. I know you would hold my hand and pull me closer. I know you startled me but immediately wrapped me in a hug. I know you gazed at me from across the room like I was the only thing worth looking at. What I don’t know is why I wasn’t enough for you. Or maybe why I was too much. I don’t know what made you decide to leave without an explanation. I don’t know why it suddenly didn’t bother you that I was hurting. I know a lot of things, but I will never know what made you change your mind.
–late night thoughts about you
Im having the sad because I pushed him away.
Do you remember 3 months ago? When you were still in love with me? When I was in love with you? Do you remember the night I was curled up next to you, with your arm around my waist and my head on your chest? Do you remember how you pulled me closer and held my hand? Do you remember what it was like when I was still exactly what you wanted? I do. Of course I remember all that. I think about it everyday. How could I not? One day you loved me and the next day you didn’t. How could that not consume my thoughts? How do you wake up one morning and decide that the person who occupied every corner of your heart and mind the night before now doesn’t deserve a single spot? I’ve never understood that. I’ve never understood how a person can just wake up and not love someone anymore. I’ve never understood how feelings could change so quickly. How someone who meant the world to you for months now isn’t even a single town. How do you decide to give up on the one person you never wanted to hurt? How does that not break something inside of you? How do you give up on someone without a second thought? Did I really mean nothing to you at all?
-late night thoughts about you
And it makes my heart hurt.
I’m on a path
and there’s only one right way,
and every road off the path will lead me back to the original one
no matter how far
or how long I wander,
ultimately I’m just going to keep finding my way back to you
I guess. :(